Chapter LI: A Bath

The chevalier and his bodyguard arrived at Master Hugonnet's.

"A bath for me instantly," said Passedix; "and while I am in the water, my page here will take my garments to the cleanser's."

Master Hugonnet escorted the Gascon to the hot baths.

"I do not see your daughter Ambroisine, La Belle Baigneuse," Passedix said to him on the way.

"She is rarely here now, seigneur chevalier; she passes a great part of her time with Madame la Comtesse de Marvejols, who, although she has become a _grande dame_, has not ceased to be a most affectionate friend to my daughter."

"Oh, yes! I know; I have heard the story of the interesting Bathilde."

"But, in any event, monsieur le chevalier, even if my daughter was here, you would hardly expect her to act as bath attendant for you, I presume?"

"Eh? who the devil said anything about that? Everybody knows that La Belle Baigneuse is as virtuous as she is cruel. I would like my bath to be rather hot; my page and my esquire will help me to get into it."

In a twinkling the ex-clerks undressed their new master, who entered the water without observing the grimaces and contortions to which the young men were obliged to resort in order to avoid laughing at the aspect of the Gascon's thin, yellow body. Bahuchet hastily made a bundle of the doublet and breeches, took it under his arm, and started for the cleanser's.

"Does monsieur le chevalier wish his esquire to remain in attendance while he is in the bath?" inquired Plumard, when his comrade had gone.

"I do not see the necessity; go out into the street and take the air; but do not go far away, so that you may be at hand to hasten hither if I require your services."

"I will remain below, at the shop door, where I can hear if you ring."

Plumard left the cabinet in which Passedix was bathing. He went downstairs and chatted with Master Hugonnet, who, taking advantage of his daughter's absence, had already emptied several jars of wine with his neighbors, and was consequently in the mood for talking and for drinking more.

A half-hour passed. The Gascon was thinking of Miretta, of his wealth, and of the effect he would produce with a page and an esquire. But after giving sufficient thought to all these subjects, he began to find the time rather long. He pulled a bellrope, and the bath attendant appeared; he was a new servant, who had been in Master Hugonnet's employ but a short time, and seemed as yet unfamiliar with his duties.

"Was it monsieur who rang?"

"To be sure it was I!"

"Does monsieur want anything?"

"As I rang, it is probable that I want something--but not you, sandis! for you seem to me not to be very bright! Send my _écuyer_ [esquire] to me."

"You want your _écu_--"

"I said nothing about my _écu_! I want my _écuyer!_--An _écu_ is a shield--perhaps you don't know that, blockhead! A gentleman takes his _écu_ only when he is about to go into the lists or into battle. What in the devil do you suppose I want of my _écu_ when I am in the bath? Do you imagine that I am going to wield a lance while I bathe?"

"Why, I don't know!"

"Begone, and send my esquire to me!"

The attendant went down into the shop, where he found his master drinking with Plumard and several shopkeepers of the neighborhood.

"Who is the esquire of that tall, lanky, ugly gentleman bathing upstairs?" the attendant asked.

There was no reply; they were all too busily occupied, drinking, talking, and laughing, to pay any heed to what he said. Finding that no one answered him, the attendant calmly took a seat at the rear of the shop, saying to himself:

"The esquire doesn't seem to be here. No matter! it isn't my fault."

After waiting five minutes for his esquire to appear, Passedix concluded to ring again.

"That bath attendant looks so stupid," he thought, "that I'll wager he didn't understand what I said!"

The attendant, seated at the rear of the shop, heard the bell distinctly, but he did not stir; he settled down comfortably in his chair and said to himself:

"There's that tall skeleton ringing again; it can't be anybody else, for there's nobody else in the baths just now.--But it isn't worth while for me to go there, as he wants his esquire and not me.--As if I knew where his esquire is! it's probably that little bit of a fellow that ran off with a bundle under his arm, and he hasn't come back!"

Several more minutes passed, and the bell rang again, more violently.

The attendant kept his seat; it even seemed to amuse him to hear such a merry peal.

Soon the jangling of the bell became incessant; and as there came a moment when no one of the drinkers was speaking, because they were emptying their glasses, Master Hugonnet at last heard the _carillon_ in which his customer was indulging.

"Someone is ringing! Sarpejeu! someone is ringing! Don't you hear, Jean? you sit there as calmly as you please! Go, see what is wanted."

"Oh! I hear the bell well enough, and I've heard it a long while, monsieur; but it's no use going to see; I have been once."

"But the gentleman in the bath is calling."

"Yes; and I tell you that I went to see what he wanted. He wants his esquire--that's what he wants; but I am not his esquire."

"His esquire!" cried Plumard, placing his glass on the table. "The devil! you should have told me; I am his esquire!"

"I called you, but you didn't answer."

"Fichtre! I am going to be scolded. I must hurry; he is ringing as if he would tear everything to pieces."

Plumard entered the cabinet where Passedix was bathing; he found him exasperated, frantic with rage.

"Did monsieur le chevalier ring?"

"Did I ring! knave! gallows-bird! you presume to ask me! Why, I have been ringing an hour!"

"Don't charge it to me, monseigneur; it's the fault of that fool of an attendant. He said nothing to me; I only learned a moment ago that you wanted me. I am terribly distressed, O my master!"

"I will thrash that attendant when I am out of the bath!"

"You will do well, monsieur le chevalier."

"Tell me, esquire, have you not yet seen my page return?"

"No, monseigneur, not yet."

"It seems to me that he is very long; it is nearly an hour that I have been in the water, and I am beginning to have enough of it!"

"If monsieur le chevalier wishes to get out of the bath----"

"Get out! what in the devil shall I put on? I have neither short-clothes nor doublet; I cannot go into the street in my shirt and cloak simply!"

"That is true; if monseigneur wishes, I will go to see if Bahuchet is coming."

"No, no! Cadédis! I have no desire to be forced to ring another hour, to recall you.--Sandioux! this water is getting cold; my page is making a fool of his master!"

"Perhaps the spots are difficult to remove."

"I am afraid--I am shivering--I shall take cold.--Go, tell the bath attendant to bring me some hot water."

In those days, persons who indulged in baths had not at their hand faucets with which to heat or cool the water at pleasure; bath keepers have progressed, like other people; but at that time the attendant brought water in a pail to put in the bath tub.

Plumard went out to perform his master's commission.

"The fire's out," said the attendant, "there's no more hot water; your tall, withered master has been in the bath more than an hour, and the best thing he can do is to go away; it will take too long to start up the fire again."

"Well-managed baths these, on my word! It's evident enough that Master Hugonnet is drinking and that his daughter is away from home!"

And Plumard returned to the chevalier, who was beginning to shiver.

"I regret to announce, monseigneur, that there is no more hot water in the establishment."

"No more hot water? Cadédis! what does this mean? are they laughing at me?"

"No, my honored master; but the attendant has allowed the fire to go out that heats the water for the baths. Master Hugonnet has been drinking so much with some friends that it is impossible to obtain anything from him!"

"O fair Ambroisine! it is evident that you pass all your time with a countess! These baths are being managed wretchedly; it will be very hot when I bathe here again!--And that rascally page does not return!--I cannot pass the whole day in the water, however; it weakens me terribly!"

"If monsieur le chevalier wishes--there must be some second-hand shop hereabout; I could go there and buy a doublet and a pair of breeches!"

"I' faith! you are right; that is what we should have done long ago.--Here, take my purse, which, luckily enough, I did not leave in my short-clothes, and hasten to buy me something to wear--the first things that you see, provided they are decent."

"Yes, monseigneur."

"And of some light color--they are most becoming to me. Do not consider the price, but make haste, sandioux! for I am all gooseflesh. Have you my purse?"

"Yes, monseigneur; I fly to the second-hand shop."

Plumard left the cabinet, and called to the attendant as he passed through the shop:

"We will do without your hot water; my master is going to leave the bath."

"In that case," said the attendant to himself, as he looked after the esquire, "it seems that the tall, thin man won't want it any more; if he's going to get out of his bath, I can begin to draw the water out of his tub."

He went to a room situated directly beneath the men's bathrooms, pressed a spring corresponding to the tub that he proposed to empty, and opened a cock through which the water ran out of doors.

As for Master Hugonnet, urged by his friends, and no longer in full possession of his reason, he had left his house, to make himself completely drunk at his favorite wine shop.

Passedix sat in his tub, as motionless as a statue, because he knew that the more one moves about, the more quickly the water grows cool. That in his tub had fallen nearly to zero. The poor chevalier turned purple and counted the minutes, saying to himself:

"Capédébious! I trust that my esquire will move more rapidly than my page; I should have left him unrestricted in the matter of colors; he will try to find a pretty shade, and that will delay him.--Well, what does this mean? I have no water on my shoulders! But I had some a moment ago. One would say that my bath was running away! Why, yes--it is not a dream--my water is falling--my breast is dry!--Ah! ten thousand muskets! this is the climax of our adventures!--Who is the gallows-bird, the villain, the blockhead, that amuses himself emptying my bath tub? It must be that dolt of an attendant! By Roland! the rascal shall pay me for this! In a moment I shall be left high and dry, and all naked! This is horrible! May the devil fly away with my esquire and my page!--Let us ring! let us ring!--Ah! I shall not forget this bath!"

Passedix seized the bellrope and pulled it so hard that it broke in his hand; but luckily the attendant heard the bell, and, as he knew that the esquire had gone, he concluded to go up, saying to himself:

"It must be me that this gentleman wants now, as he has sent his servants away; he wants to pay for his bath, I suppose, and give me a _pourboire_."

But he was stupefied, on opening the door of the cabinet, to see the chevalier still naked in the bath tub, where there was no longer a drop of water, glaring savagely at him and threatening him with his fist.

"What! are you taking a dry bath, monsieur?" said the surprised attendant.

"A dry bath, knave! a dry bath, blockhead! Why am I left high and dry in my bath tub? Because you have drawn the water off, I presume!"

"Well! monsieur's esquire called to me when he went out: 'My master's going to leave the bath!' so then I said to myself: 'I can empty the tub.'"

"Ah! you clown, if I die of inflammation of the lungs, you shall pay me for this! I am frozen!"

"But, monsieur, after all, why do you insist on staying in the tub instead of dressing yourself?"

"Dressing myself! They are all in a plot to drive me frantic! Here is my esquire doing just as my page did! He doesn't come back! How well I am served! It was worth while setting up a staff of servants!--Well, I must make up my mind to something. Give me my linen, rascal! and while I am putting it on, that infernal bald-head will return, I trust--or perhaps my page, Bahuchet!"

But Plumard, on leaving Master Hugonnet's house, weighed in his hand the purse that his new master had bade him take. It was a large purse and well filled; the ex-clerk could not resist the desire to know how much it contained; so he stopped, sat on a stone, and counted out in the hollow of his hand twenty-two gold pieces. That amounted to a considerable sum; the ex-Basochian had never possessed so much. The sight of the gold dazzled him; and the numerous bumpers he had drunk at Master Hugonnet's having made him slightly giddy, he passed his hand across his brow and muttered:

"By Saint Grimoire! I shall never earn as much as this in a year, playing the esquire to that long, loose-jointed chevalier. Suppose I should begin by enjoying myself with this money? The opportunity is all the better because I shall not have to share with Bahuchet. I am in luck, on my word! I'll go to the tavern which the pretty girls of the quarter frequent; it's at the Pré-aux-Clercs. I have enough to treat them like a great nobleman!--Oh! I'll wager that they will not refuse to dance a courante or a Périgourd step with me to-night."

And Monsieur Plumard placed the purse in his belt and betook himself to the Pré-aux-Clercs, without another thought for him he had left in the bath.

Bahuchet, having no purse intrusted to him, had been unable to follow the same course of action as his friend Plumard; but other reasons kept him from returning to the chevalier.

Having taken his new master's garments to the cleanser's, where he was told that it would take a long quarter of an hour to remove the spots on the doublet and breeches, the little man left the shop and strolled aimlessly along the street, stopping to look at everything that could possibly amuse him for a moment.

Suddenly, as he was watching two dogs fight, Bahuchet felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned and recognized Miretta, the young Marquise de Santoval's pretty lady's-maid.

"I have found you at last, Monsieur Bahuchet," she said; "I have been looking for you all over Paris for a long time."

"You have been looking for me, captivating brunette?"

"Yes; I went to your solicitor's to find you."

"To Maître Bourdinard's?--He dismissed me because I made blots on the paper with my pen, and that wasted the ink. I say! what a skinflint!--So you have been looking for me! I beg you to believe that, if I had known it---- Do you require the services of your humble servant?"

"No, not I, but my mistress, madame la marquise.--Come, come quickly, away from all these people."

"Oh! pardon me, pretty maid, but if I must go to the Hôtel de Santoval again--many thanks! I am not your man! I remember the way I was treated at the time of the last visit I paid you; I remember very well too that, after beating me outrageously with stirrup leathers, the lackeys said: 'This is how you will be received every time that you come to this house!'--After that, you may well be sure that I would not risk the end of my nose there for anything in the world!--Look you--I am entirely devoted to your lovely mistress, but more than all else I love my own shoulders, I have the warmest regard for my ribs, and I have no desire to be cudgelled again!"

"You will not be asked to go to the Hôtel de Santoval again, although everything is changed there now."

"Where are you taking me, then?"

"Wherever you choose; select for yourself the place where you will await my mistress; she will meet you there, for she is most desirous to speak with you in secret, and to intrust to you a letter for the Comte de Marvejols. If you undertake to deliver the letter, she will give you money, as much as you ask."

"As much money as I ask!--By Mercury! pretty lady's-maid, this deserves consideration!--Moreover, I am too gallant to refuse to hold an interview with your mistress, whom I know to be as generous as she is beautiful.--Faith! so much the worse for my new master; I will tell him that the spots stuck like the devil; I can always find some fable to tell him.--Let us be off."

"Choose the place where you will await my mistress."

"Let me see; I must try to think of a place where there are not too many passers, so that we may talk undisturbed. Yes; I have what we want--on Rue des Francs-Bourgeois, I know a place where there have been no houses built as yet; there is a hollow there, where one can talk as comfortably as in one's own house; and it is not far from madame la marquise's hôtel."

"Let us make haste, then."

Bahuchet and Miretta doubled their pace. The sometime clerk knew his Paris perfectly, and the streets one could take to lessen the distance. In a short time they reached Rue des Francs-Bourgeois. The little man stopped at a vacant lot, where building materials had been dropped.

"This is the place; it is very convenient for a private conversation, you see."

"It is well. Remain here, while I go to fetch my mistress."

"She will not be long?"

"I promise you that she will be here within half an hour."

"Very good! Above all things, do not let her bring one of her tall lackeys with her! If I see one of them in the distance, off I go, and I give you my word that you will not catch me!"

"Do you think that my mistress is setting a trap for you, Monsieur Bahuchet?"

"No, pretty brunette, I certainly do not think that; but, look you, when one has been thrashed as I was, one may well retain some apprehension."

"Fie! a man, and afraid! At least, you should not admit it. I am only a woman, but I have never known what fear is!--Stay here, Monsieur Bahuchet, and fear nothing; you will be handsomely paid."

Miretta fled with the swiftness of a deer; and Bahuchet seated himself on a stone, saying to himself:

"That girl is well fitted to enter one of these new companies of mousquetaires which are said to be forming; I am sure that she would march into fire without a tremor.--After all, I have no occasion for fear; although there are very few passers on this street, still there are some. I myself chose the place of rendezvous.--So the fair Valentine is still in love with the handsome Comte Léodgard! Hum! these women! when a passion has taken firm root in their heart, all the obstacles they encounter simply whet their appetite.--And that man who is waiting for me in his bathtub? Faith! let him wait! he will be all the cleaner for it! Besides, Plumard is with him; he will tell him lies to keep him patient. But money--all the money I want! That I know is a way of speaking; but still, the fair marchioness is generous--generous and amorous; and she flings her money away freely!"

Bahuchet had not been at his post twenty-five minutes, when he spied two women at the end of the street; one of them, enveloped in a cloak, and with her head covered by a thick veil, glanced occasionally to the right and left. They were the marchioness and her confidante. About fifty yards from Bahuchet, Valentine told Miretta to stop, and went forward alone toward the little ex-Basochian, who bowed low in the distance.

"Here I am, Monsieur Bahuchet; I have not kept you waiting too long, I hope?"

"No, madame. Oh! I knew that with madame la marquise I should not lose my time."

"Do not waste it in empty words. Will you undertake to carry this letter to the Comte de Marvejols?"

"With great pleasure, madame."

"Here it is; accept at the same time this purse, and my promise to give you twice as much as it contains if you bring me a reply from the count--a line written by him."

Bahuchet could hardly hold in his hand the purse that Valentine placed there, it was stuffed so full of gold pieces to its very mouth. He was dazzled; he gazed at the purse in respectful admiration; and when he heard the marchioness promise him twice as much more, his devotion could contain itself no longer, and he cried:

"You shall have a reply from monsieur le comte, madame! You shall have it, even if I have to write it myself!--No, not that; my zeal carries me away; I do not know what I am saying!--But, once more, madame, the count shall send you a reply; I will make it my business."

"You will take this letter to him at once?"

"Yes, madame. Oh! on the instant.--The other man may keep on bathing; I don't care a fig for that!"

"Do you know where the count is now?"

"At his little hôtel in Rue de Bretonvilliers, I presume?"

"No; he is at present at the Hôtel de Marvejols, on Place Royale."

"Very good; I fly thither----"

"One moment! Léodgard is under the same roof with--his wife; you will understand that you must give this letter into his own hands. Do not intrust it to any other person. Ask to speak with the count in private; see to it that there is no one with him when he reads my letter."

"I understand, madame, I understand. Never fear! I see that mystery is necessary; I will act with all prudence."

"Do not say, when you present yourself at the house, that you come from me; in that case, you would not be allowed access to Léodgard!"

"I am not so stupid!--By the way, madame; this reply which, I make no doubt, the count will give me--where shall I deliver it to you?"

"Come here again this evening, at nine o'clock; you will find Miretta here--she will await your coming."

"Very good! And Miretta will--will hand me what madame la marquise is generous enough to promise me?"

"I always fulfil my promises, monsieur."

"Then I will go at once to Place Royale."

"And at nine o'clock this evening----"

"I will return here."

The marchioness joined Miretta and walked rapidly away with her, while little Bahuchet, after fondling for a moment the purse filled with gold, thrust it into his belt, and hastened away toward Place Royale.

And while all these things were happening, the Chevalier de Passedix, clad only in shirt, ruff, and funnel-shaped boots, paced the floor of his bathroom, stamping angrily and muttering:

"Knave of a page! blackguard of an esquire! Where on earth are they? What has become of them? Cadédis! if this is the way those villains serve me, I will kick them out of my employ at the earliest possible moment!--But I shall not have the trouble of doing it if they do not return. Miserable knaves! they have robbed me again! They shall have a taste of Roland!--Woe to them if I ever fall in with them!"

And in his rage Passedix seized his sword, drew it from the scabbard, and threatened everything within his reach; which performance caused the bath attendant, who had remained in one corner of the room, to shudder with fear. At last, losing patience, and feeling extremely cold, Passedix halted in front of him and said:

"We must make an end of this! Come, varlet, take off your short-clothes instantly! be quick about it!"

"Take off my short-clothes! What for?"

"Sandis! so that I may put them on, of course! I can't stand here all day in my shirt!"

"But I have no others, monsieur; and if you take mine, then I shall be in my shirt."

"That makes no difference to me--a terrible calamity, truly, that you should be a little cool in your turn!"

"No, no! I won't give you my short-clothes!"

"Give them to me this instant, knave, and your miserable doublet too, or I'll run you through with Roland!"

Passedix made such a terrible face, and held the point of his sword so near the poor fellow's breast, that he, trembling for his life, quickly removed his doublet and his breeches. The chevalier lost no time in donning them, saying to himself:

"I shall be a horrible-looking creature in this costume! but, after all, it is preferable to being naked!--Now, I will conceal it as well as I can with my cloak.--Come, don't cry, you fool! Do you imagine that I propose to steal your clothes? They will be returned to you as soon as I have been home and have dressed myself in orange, pending the purchase of a lovely costume, new throughout. I shall select a sky-blue this time!--If my people return, you will say to them that I shall expect them at the Hôtel du Sanglier, Place aux Chats; but I begin to doubt whether they will return--the vagabonds!"

And Passedix, having finished his toilet to the best of his ability, left the bathing establishment, grumbling between his teeth:

"These breeches are horribly unbecoming to me!--O my esquire! O my page! you shall pay me for all this!"