Chapter V: Introduction (4)

It would appear that Mr. Sawin found the actual feast curiously the reverse of the bill of fare advertised in Faneuil Hall and other places. His primary object seems to have been the making of his fortune. _Quaerenda pecunia primum, virtus post nummos._ He hoisted sail for Eldorado, and shipwrecked on Point Tribulation. _Quid non mortalia pectora cogis, auri sacra fames?_ The speculation has sometimes crossed my mind, in that dreary interval of drought which intervenes between quarterly stipendiary showers, that Providence, by the creation of a money-tree, might have simplified wonderfully the sometimes perplexing problem of human life. We read of bread-trees, the butter for which lies ready-churned in Irish bogs. Milk-trees we are assured of in South America, and stout Sir John Hawkins testifies to water-trees in the Canaries. Boot-trees bear abundantly in Lynn and elsewhere; and I have seen, in the entries of the wealthy, hat-trees with a fair show of fruit. A family-tree I once cultivated myself, and found therefrom but a scanty yield, and that quite tasteless and innutritious. Of trees bearing men we are not without examples; as those in the park of Louis the Eleventh of France. Who has forgotten, moreover, that olive-tree growing in the Athenian's back-garden, with its strange uxorious crop, for the general propagation of which, as of a new and precious variety, the philosopher Diogenes, hitherto uninterested in arboriculture, was so zealous? In the _sylva_ of our own Southern States, the females of my family have called my attention to the china-tree. Not to multiply examples, I will barely add to my list the birch-tree, in the smaller branches of which has been implanted so miraculous a virtue for communicating the Latin and Greek languages, and which may well therefore be classed among the trees producing necessaries of life,--_venerabile donum fatalis virgae_. That money-trees existed in the golden age there want not prevalent reasons for our believing. For does not the old proverb, when it asserts that money does not grow on _every_ bush, imply _a fortiori_, that there were certain bushes which did produce it? Again, there is another ancient saw to the effect that money is the _root_ of all evil. From which two adages it may be safe to infer that the aforesaid species of tree first degenerated into a shrub, then absconded underground, and finally, in our iron age, vanished altogether. In favourable exposures it may be conjectured that a specimen or two survived to a great age, as in the garden of the Hesperides; and, indeed, what else could that tree in the Sixth AEneid have been, with a branch whereof the Trojan hero procured admission to a territory, for the entering of which money is a surer passport than to a certain other more profitable (too) foreign kingdom? Whether these speculations of mine have any force in them, or whether they will not rather, by most readers, be deemed impertinent to the matter in hand, is a question which I leave to the determination of an indulgent posterity. That there were, in more primitive and happier times, shops where money was sold,--and that, too, on credit and at a bargain,--I take to be matter of demonstration. For what but a dealer in this article was that AEolus who supplied Ulysses with motive power for his fleet in bags? What that Ericus, king of Sweden, who is said to have kept the winds in his cap? What, in more recent times, those Lapland Nornas who traded in favourable breezes? All which will appear the more clearly when we consider, that, even to this day, _raising the wind_ is proverbial for raising money, and that brokers and banks were invented by the Venetians at a later period.

And now for the improvement of this digression. I find a parallel to Mr. Sawin's fortune in an adventure of my own. For, shortly after I had first broached to myself the before-stated natural-historical and archaeological theories, as I was passing, _haec negotia penitus mecum revolvens_, through one of the obscure suburbs of our New England metropolis, my eye was attracted by these words upon a sign-board,--CHEAP CASH-STORE. Here was at once the confirmation of my speculations, and the substance of my hopes. Here lingered the fragment of a happier past, or stretched out the first tremulous organic filament of a more fortunate future. Thus glowed the distant Mexico to the eyes of Sawin, as he looked through the dirty pane of the recruiting-office window, or speculated from the summit of that mirage-Pisgah which the imps of the bottle are so cunning in raising up. Already had my Alnaschar-fancy (even during that first half-believing glance) expended in various useful directions the funds to be obtained by pledging the manuscript of a proposed volume of discourses. Already did a clock ornament the tower of the Jaalam meeting-house--a gift appropriately, but modestly, commemorated in the parish and town records, both, for now many years, kept by myself. Already had my son Seneca completed his course at the University. Whether, for the moment, we may not be considered as actually lording it over those Baratarias with the viceroyalty of which Hope invests us, and whether we are ever so warmly housed as in our Spanish castles, would afford matter of argument. Enough that I found that sign-board to be no other than a bait to the trap of a decayed grocer. Nevertheless, I bought a pound of dates (getting short weight by reason of immense flights of harpy flies, who pursued and lighted upon their prey even in the very scales), which purchase I made, not only with an eye to the little ones at home, but also as a figurative reproof of that too-frequent habit of my mind, which, forgetting the due order of chronology, will often persuade me that the happy sceptre of Saturn is stretched over this Astraea-forsaken nineteenth century.

Having glanced at the ledger of Glory under the title _Sawin, B._, let us extend our investigations, and discover if that instructive volume does not contain some charges more personally interesting to ourselves. I think we should be more economical of our resources, did we thoroughly appreciate the fact, that, whenever Brother Jonathan seems to be thrusting his hand into his own pocket, he is, in fact, picking ours. I confess that the late _muck_ which the country has been running, has materially changed my views as to the best method of raising revenue. If, by means of direct taxation, the bills for every extraordinary outlay were brought under our immediate eye, so that, like thrifty housekeepers, we could see where and how fast the money was going, we should be less likely to commit extravagances. At present, these things are managed in such a hugger-mugger way, that we know not what we pay for; the poor man is charged as much as the rich; and, while we are saving and scrimping at the spigot, the government is drawing off at the bung. If we could know that a part of the money we expend for tea and coffee goes to buy powder and ball, and that it is Mexican blood which makes the clothes on our backs more costly, it would set some of us athinking. During the present fall, I have often pictured to myself a government official entering my study, and handing me the following bill:--

WASHINGTON, Sept. 30, 1848.

REV. HOMER WILBUR _to_ UNCLE SAMUEL, _Dr._

To his share of work done in Mexico on partnership
account, sundry jobs, as below.

" killing, maiming, and wounding about 5,000 Mexicans $2.00

" slaughtering one woman carrying water to wounded .10

" extra work on two different Sabbaths (one bombardment
and one assault) whereby the Mexicans were prevented
from defiling themselves with the idolatries of high
mass 3.50

" throwing an especially fortunate and Protestant
bomb-shell into the Cathedral at Vera Cruz, whereby
several female Papists were slain at the altar .50

" his proportion of cash paid for conquered territory 1.75

" do. do. for conquering do. 1.50

" manuring do. with new superior compost called
"American Citizen" .50

" extending the area of freedom and Protestantism .01

" glory .01
------
$9.87

_Immediate payment is requested._

N.B. Thankful for former favours, U. S. requests a continuance of patronage. Orders executed with neatness and despatch. Terms as low as those of any other contractor for the same kind and style of work.

I can fancy the official answering my look of horror with,--"Yes, Sir, it looks like a high charge, Sir; but in these days slaughtering is slaughtering." Verily, I would that every one understood that it was; for it goes about obtaining money under the false pretence of being glory. For me, I have an imagination which plays me uncomfortable tricks. It happens to me sometimes to see a slaughterer on his way home from his day's work, and forthwith my imagination puts a cocked-hat upon his head, and epaulettes upon his shoulders, and sets him up as a candidate for the Presidency. So, also, on a recent public occasion, as the place assigned to the "Reverend Clergy" is just behind that of "Officers of the Army and Navy" in processions, it was my fortune to be seated at the dinner-table over against one of these respectable persons. He was arrayed as (out of his own profession) only kings, court-officers, and footmen are in Europe, and Indians in America. Now what does my over-officious imagination but set to work upon him, strip him of his gay livery, and present him to me coatless, his trousers thrust into the tops of a pair of boots thick with clotted blood, and a basket on his arm out of which lolled a gore-smeared axe, thereby destroying my relish for the temporal mercies upon the board before me.--H. W.]

No. IX.

A THIRD LETTER FROM B. SAWIN, ESQ.

[Upon the following letter slender comment will be needful. In what river Selemnus has Mr. Sawin bathed, that he has become so swiftly oblivious of his former loves? From an ardent and (as befits a soldier) confident wooer of that coy bride, the popular favour, we see him subside of a sudden into the (I trust not jilted) Cincinnatus, returning to his plough with a goodly-sized branch of willow in his hand; figuratively returning, however, to a figurative plough, and from no profound affection for that honoured implement of husbandry (for which, indeed, Mr. Sawin never displayed any decided predilection), but in order to be gracefully summoned therefrom to more congenial labours. It would seem that the character of the ancient Dictator had become part of the recognised stock of our modern political comedy, though, as our term of office extends to a quadrennial length, the parallel is not so minutely exact as could be desired. It is sufficiently so, however, for purposes of scenic representation. An humble cottage (if built of logs, the better) forms the Arcadian background of the stage. This rustic paradise is labeled Ashland, Jaalam, North Bend, Marshfield, Kinderhook, or Baton Rouge, as occasion demands. Before the door stands a something with one handle (the other painted in proper perspective), which represents, in happy ideal vagueness, the plough. To this the defeated candidate rushes with delirious joy, welcomed as a father by appropriate groups of happy labourers, or from it the successful one is torn with difficulty, sustained alone by a noble sense of public duty. Only I have observed, that, if the scene be laid at Baton Rouge or Ashland, the labourers are kept carefully in the background, and are heard to shout from behind the scenes in a singular tone, resembling ululation, and accompanied by a sound not unlike vigorous clapping. This, however, may be artistically in keeping with the habits of the rustic population of those localities. The precise connexion between agricultural pursuits and statesmanship I have not been able, after diligent inquiry, to discover. But, that my investigations may not be barren of all fruit, I will mention one curious statistical fact, which I consider thoroughly established, namely, that no real farmer ever attains practically beyond a seat in General Court, however theoretically qualified for more exalted station.

It is probable that some other prospect has been opened to Mr. Sawin, and that he has not made this great sacrifice without some definite understanding in regard to a seat in the cabinet, or a foreign mission. It may be supposed that we of Jaalam were not untouched by a feeling of villatic pride in beholding our townsman occupying so large a space in the public eye. And to me, deeply revolving the qualifications necessary to a candidate in these frugal times, those of Mr. S. seemed peculiarly adapted to a successful campaign. The loss of a leg, an arm, an eye, and four fingers, reduced him so nearly to the condition of a _vox et praeterea nihil_, that I could think of nothing but the loss of his head by which his chance could have been bettered. But since he has chosen to baulk our suffrages, we must content ourselves with what we can get, remembering _lactucas non esse dandas, dum cardui sufficiant_.--H. W.]

I spose you recollect thet I explained my gennle views
In the last billet thet I writ, 'way down frum Veery Cruze,
Jest arter I 'd a kind o' ben spontanously sot up
To run unanimously fer the Presidential cup;
O' course it worn't no wish o' mine, 't wuz ferfiely distressin',
But poppiler enthusiasm gut so almighty pressin'
Thet, though like sixty all along I fumed an' fussed an' sorrered,
There did n't seem no ways to stop their bringin' on me forrerd:
Fact is, they udged the matter so, I could n't help admittin'
The Father o' his Country's shoes no feet but mine 'ould fit in,
Besides the savin' o' the soles fer ages to succeed,
Seein' thet with one wannut foot, a pair 'd be more 'n I need;
An', tell ye wut, them shoes 'll want a thund'rin' sight o' patchin',
Ef this ere fashion is to last we 've gut into o' hatchin'
A pair o' second Washintons fer every new election,--
Though, fur ez number one 's consarned, I don't make no objection.

I wuz agoin' on to say thet wen at fust I saw
The masses would stick to 't I wuz the Country's father-'n-law
(They would ha' hed it _Father_, but I told 'em 't would n't du,
Coz thet wuz sutthin' of a sort they could n't split in tu,
An' Washinton hed hed the thing laid fairly to his door,
Nor dars n't say 't worn't his'n, much ez sixty year afore),
But 't aint no matter ez to thet; wen I wuz nomernated,
'T worn't natur but wut I should feel consid'able elated,
An' wile the hooraw o' the thing wuz kind o' noo an' fresh,
I thought our ticket would ha' caird the country with a resh.

Sence I 've come hum, though, an' looked round, I think I seem to find
Strong argimunts ez thick ez fleas to make me change my mind;
It 's clear to any one whose brain ain't fur gone in a phthisis,
Thet hail Columby's happy land is goin' thru a crisis,
An' 't would n't noways du to hev the people's mind distracted
By bein' all to once by sev'ral pop'lar names attackted;
'T would save holl haycartloads o' fuss an' three four months o' jaw,
Ef some illustrous paytriot should back out an' withdraw;
So, ez I aint a crooked stick, jest like--like ole (I swow,
I dunno ez I know his name)--I 'll go back to my plough.
Now, 't aint no more 'n is proper 'n' right in sech a sitooation
To hint the course you think 'll be the savin' o' the nation;
To funk right out o' p'lit'cal strife aint thought to be the thing,
Without you deacon off the toon you want your folks should sing;
So I edvise the noomrous friends thet 's in one boat with me
To jest up killock, jam right down their hellum hard a lee,
Haul the sheets taut, an', laying out upon the Suthun tack,
Make fer the safest port they can, wich, _I_ think, is Ole Zack.

Next thing you 'll want to know, I spose, wut argimunts I seem
To see thet makes me think this ere 'll be the strongest team;
Fust place, I've ben consid'ble round in bar-rooms an' saloons
Agethrin' public sentiment, 'mongst Demmercrats and Coons,
An' 't aint ve'y offen thet I meet a chap but wut goes in
Fer Rough an' Ready, fair an' square, hufs, taller, horns, an' skin;
I don't deny but wut, fer one, ez fur ez I could see,
I didn't like at fust the Pheladelphy nomernee;
I could ha' pinted to a man thet wuz, I guess, a peg
Higher than him,--a soger, tu, an' with a wooden leg;
But every day with more an' more o' Taylor zeal I 'm burnin',
Seein' wich way the tide thet sets to office is aturnin';
Wy, into Bellers's we notched the votes down on three sticks,--
'T wuz Birdofredum _one_, Cass _aught_, an' Taylor _twenty-six_,
An', bein' the on'y canderdate thet wuz upon the ground,
They said 't wuz no more 'n right thet I should pay the drinks all
round;
Ef I 'd expected sech a trick, I would n't ha' cut my foot
By goin' an' votin' fer myself like a consumed coot;
It did n't make no diff'rence, though; I wish I may be cust,
Ef Bellers wuz n't slim enough to say he would n't trust!

Another pint thet influences the minds o' sober jedges
Is thet the Gin'ral hez n't gut tied hand an' foot with pledges;
He hez n't told ye wut he is, an' so there aint no knowin'
But wut he may turn out to be the best there is agoin';
This, at the on'y spot thet pinched, the shoe directly eases,
Coz every one is free to 'xpect percisely wut he pleases:
I want free-trade; you don't; the Gin'ral is n't bound to neither;--
I vote my way; you, yourn; an' both air sooted to a T there.
Ole Rough an' Ready, tu, 's a Wig, but without bein' ultry
(He 's like a holsome hayinday, thet 's warm, but is n't sultry);
He 's jest wut I should call myself, a kin' o' _scratch_, ez 't ware,
Thet aint exacly all a wig nor wholly your own hair;
I 've ben a Wig three weeks myself, jest o' this mod'rate sort,
An' don't find them an' Demmercrats so different ez I thought;
They both act pooty much alike, an' push an' scrouge an' cus;
They 're like two pickpockets in league fer Uncle Samwell's pus;
Each takes a side, an' then they squeeze the old man in between 'em,
Turn all his pockets wrong side out an' quick ez lightnin' clean 'em;
To nary one on 'em I 'd trust a secon'-handed rail
No furder off 'an I could sling a bullock by the tail.
Webster sot matters right in that air Mashfiel' speech o' his'n;--
"Taylor," sez he, "aint nary ways the one thet I 'd a chizzen,
Nor he ain't fittin' fer the place, an' like ez not he aint
No more 'n a tough ole bullethead, an' no gret of a saint;
But then," sez he, "obsarve my pint, he's jest ez good to vote fer
Ez though the greasin' on him worn't a thing to hire Choate fer;
Aint it ez easy done to drop a ballot in a box
Fer one ez 't is fer t' other, fer the bulldog ez the fox?"
It takes a mind like Dannel's, fact, ez big ez all ou' doors,
To find out thet it looks like rain arter it fairly pours;
I 'gree with him, it aint so dreffle troublesome to vote
Fer Taylor arter all,--it 's jest to go an' change your coat;
Wen he's once greased, you 'll swaller him an' never know on't, source,
Unless he scratches, goin' down, with them air Gin'ral's spurs.
I 've ben a votin' Demmercrat, ez reg'lar ez a clock,
But don't find goin' Taylor gives my narves no gret 'f a shock;
Truth is, the cutest leadin' Wigs, ever sence fust they found
Wich side the bread gut buttered on, hev kep' a edgin' round;
They kin' o' slipt the planks frum out th' ole platform one by one
An' made it gradooally noo, 'fore folks know'd wut wuz done,
Till, fur 'z I know, there aint an inch thet I could lay my han' on,
But I, or any Demmercrat, feels comf'table to stan' on,
An' ole Wig doctrines act'lly look, their occ'pants bein' gone,
Lonesome ez staddles on a mash without no hay-ricks on.

I spose it 's time now I should give my thoughts upon the plan,
Thet chipped the shell at Buffalo, o' settin' up ole Van.
I used to vote fer Martin, but, I swan, I 'm clean disgusted,--
He aint the man thet I can say is fittin' to be trusted;
He aint half antislav'ry 'nough, nor I aint sure, ez some be,
He 'd go in fer abolishin' the Deestrick o' Columby;
An', now I come to recollect, it kin' o' makes me sick 'z
A horse, to think o' wut he wuz in eighteen thirty-six.
An' then, another thing;--I guess, though mebby I am wrong,
This Buff'lo plaster aint agoin' to dror almighty strong;
Some folks, I know, hev gut th' idee thet No'thun dough 'll rise,
Though, 'fore I see it riz an' baked, I would n't trust my eyes;
'T will take more emptins, a long chalk, than this noo party 's gut,
To give sech heavy cakes ez them a start, I tell ye wut.
But even ef they caird the day, there would n't be no endurin'
To stand upon a platform with sech critters ez Van Buren;--
An' his son John, tu, I can't think how thet air chap should dare
To speak ez he doos; wy, they say he used to cuss an' swear!
I spose he never read the hymn thet tells how down the stairs
A feller with long legs wuz throwed thet would n't say his prayers.

This brings me to another pint: the leaders o' the party
Aint jest sech men ez I can act along with free an' hearty;
They aint not quite respectable, an' wen a feller's morrils
Don't toe the straightest kin' o' mark, wy, him an' me jest quarrils.
I went to a free soil meetin' once, an' wut d' ye think I see?
A feller wuz aspoutin' there thet act'lly come to me,
About two year ago last spring, ez nigh ez I can jedge,
An' axed me ef I didn't want to sign the Temprunce pledge!
He 's one o' them thet goes about an' sez you hed n't ough' to
Drink nothin', mornin', noon, or night, stronger 'an Taunton water.
There 's one rule I 've ben guided by, in settlin' how to vote,
ollers,--
I take the side thet _is n't_ took by them consarned tee-totallers.

Ez fer the niggers, I 've been South, an' thet hez changed my mind;
A lazier, more ungrateful set you could n't nowers find.
You know I mentioned in my last thet I should buy a nigger,
Ef I could make a purchase at a pooty mod'rate figger;
So, ez there 's nothin' in the world I 'm fonder of 'an gunnin',
I closed a bargin finally to take a feller runnin'.
I shou'dered queen's-arm an' stumped out, an' wen I come t' th' swamp,
'T worn't very long afore I gut upon the nest o' Pomp;
I come acrost a kin' o' hut, an', playin' round the door,
Some little woolly-headed cubs, ez many 'z six or more.
At fust I thought o' firin', but _think twice_ is safest ollers;
There aint, thinks I, not one on em' but 's wuth his twenty dollars,
Or would be, ef I hed 'em back into a Christian land,--
How temptin' all on 'em would look upon an auction-stand!
(Not but wut _I_ hate Slavery in th' abstract, stem to starn,--
I leave it ware our fathers did, a privit State consarn.)
Soon 'z they see _me_, they yelled an' run, but Pomp wuz out ahoein'
A leetle patch o' corn he hed, or else there aint no knowin'
He would n't ha' took a pop at me; but I hed gut the start,
An' wen he looked, I vow he groaned ez though he'd broke his heart;
He done it like a wite man, tu, ez nat'ral ez a pictur,
The imp'dunt, pis'nous hypocrite! wus 'an a boy constrictur.
"You can 't gum _me_, I tell ye now, an' so you need n't try,
I 'xpect my eye-teeth every mail, so jest shet up," sez I.
"Don't go to actin' ugly now, or else I 'll jest let strip,
You 'd best draw kindly, seein' 'z how I 've gut ye on the hip;
Besides, you darned ole fool, it aint no gret of a disaster
To be benev'lently druv back to a contented master,
Ware you hed Christian priv'ledges you don't seem quite aware of,
Or you 'd ha' never run away from bein' well took care of;
Ez fer kin' treatment, wy, he wuz so fond on ye, he said
He 'd give a fifty spot right out, to git ye, 'live or dead;
Wite folks aint sot by half ez much; 'member I run away,
Wen I wuz bound to Cap'n Jakes, to Mattysqumscot bay;
Don' know him, likely? Spose not; wal, the mean ole codger went
An' offered--wut reward, think? Wal, it worn't no _less_ 'n a cent."

Wal, I jest gut 'em into line, an druv 'em on afore me,
The pis'nous brutes, I 'd no idee o' the ill-will they bore me;
We walked till som'ers about noon, an' then it grew so hot
I thought it best to camp awile, so I chose out a spot
Jest under a magnoly tree, an' there right down I sot;
Then I unstrapped my wooden leg, coz it begun to chafe,
An' laid it down jest by my side, supposin' all wuz safe;
I made my darkies all set down around me in a ring,
An' sot an' kin' o' ciphered up how much the lot would bring;
But, wile I drinked the peaceful cup of a pure heart an' mind
(Mixed with some wiskey, now an' then), Pomp he snaked up behind,
An', creepin' grad'lly close tu, ez quiet ez a mink,
Jest grabbed my leg, and then pulled foot, quicker 'an you could wink,
An', come to look, they each on 'em hed gut behin' a tree,
An' Pomp poked out the leg a piece, jest so ez I could see,
An' yelled to me to throw away my pistils an' my gun,
Or else thet they 'd cair off the leg an' fairly cut the run.
I vow I did n't b'lieve there wuz a decent alligatur
Thet hed a heart so destitoot o' common human natur;
However, ez there worn't no help, I finally gev in
An' heft my arms away to git my leg safe back agin.
Pomp gethered all the weapins up, an' then he come an' grinned,
He showed his ivory some, I guess, an' sez, "You 're fairly pinned;
Jest buckle on your leg agin, an' git right up an' come,
'T wun't du fer fammerly men like me to be so long from hum."
At fust I put my foot right down an' swore I would n't budge.
"Jest ez you choose," sez he, quite cool, "either be shot or trudge."
So this black-hearted monster took an' act'lly druv me back
Along the very feetmarks o' my happy mornin' track,
An' kep' me pris'ner 'bout six months, an' worked me, tu, like sin,
Till I bed gut his corn an' his Carliny taters in;
He made me larn him readin', tu (although the crittur saw
How much it hurt my morril sense to act agin the law),
So 'st he could read a Bible he 'd gut; an' axed ef I could pint
The North Star out; but there I put his nose some out o' jint,
Fer I weeled roun' about sou'west, an', lookin' up a bit,
Picked out a middlin' shiny one an' tole him thet wuz it.
Fin'lly, he took me to the door, an', givin' me a kick,
Sez,--"Ef you know wut 's best fer ye, be off, now, double-quick;
The winter-time 's a comin' on, an', though I gut ye cheap,
You 're so darned lazy, I don't think you 're hardly wuth your keep;
Besides, the childrin's growin' up, an' you aint jest the model
I 'd like to hev 'em immertate, an' so you 'd better toddle!"

Now is there any thin' on airth 'll ever prove to me
Thet renegader slaves like him air fit fer bein' free?
D' you think they 'll suck me in to jine the Buff'lo chaps, an' them
Rank infidels thet go agin the Scriptur'l cus o' Shem?
Not by a jugfull! sooner 'n thet, I 'd go thru fire an' water;
Wen I hev once made up my mind, a meet'nhus aint sotter;
No, not though all the crows thet flies to pick my bones wuz cawin',--
I guess we 're in a Christian land,--

Yourn,

BIRDOFREDUM SAWIN.

[Here, patient reader, we take leave of each other, I trust with some mutual satisfaction. I say _patient_, for I love not that kind which skims dippingly over the surface of the page, as swallows over a pool before rain. By such no pearls shall be gathered. But if no pearls there be (as, indeed, the world is not without example of books wherefrom the longest-winded diver shall bring up no more than his proper handful of mud), yet let us hope that an oyster or two may reward adequate perseverance. If neither pearls nor oysters, yet is patience itself a gem worth diving deeply for.

It may seem to some that too much space has been usurped by my own private lucubrations, and some may be fain to bring against me that old jest of him who preached all his hearers out of the meeting-house save only the sexton, who, remaining for yet a little space, from a sense of official duty, at last gave out also, and, presenting the keys, humbly requested our preacher to lock the doors, when he should have wholly relieved himself of his testimony. I confess to a satisfaction in the self act of preaching, nor do I esteem a discourse to be wholly thrown away even upon a sleeping or unintelligent auditory. I cannot easily believe that the Gospel of St. John, which Jacques Cartier ordered to be read in the Latin tongue to the Canadian savages, upon his first meeting with them, fell altogether upon stony ground. For the earnestness of the preacher is a sermon appreciable by dullest intellects and most alien ears. In this wise did Episcopius convert many to his opinions, who yet understood not the language in which he discoursed. The chief thing is, that the messenger believe that he has an authentic message to deliver. For counterfeit messengers that mode of treatment which Father John de Plano Carpini relates to have prevailed among the Tartars would seem effectual, and, perhaps, deserved enough. For my own part, I may lay claim to so much of the spirit of martyrdom as would have led me to go into banishment with those clergymen whom Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal drave out of his kingdom for refusing to shorten their pulpit eloquence. It is possible, that, having been invited into my brother Biglow's desk, I may have been too little scrupulous in using it for the venting of my own peculiar doctrines to a congregation drawn together in the expectation and with the desire of hearing him.

I am not wholly unconscious of a peculiarity of mental organization which impels me, like the railroad-engine with its train of cars, to run backward for a short distance in order to obtain a fairer start. I may compare myself to one fishing from the rocks when the sea runs high, who, misinterpreting the suction of the undertow for the biting of some larger fish, jerks suddenly, and finds that he has _caught bottom_, hauling in upon the end of his line a trail of various _algae_, among which, nevertheless, the naturalist may haply find somewhat to repay the disappointment of the angler. Yet have I conscientiously endeavoured to adapt myself to the impatient temper of the age, daily degenerating more and more from the high standard of our pristine New England. To the catalogue of lost arts I would mournfully add also that of listening to two-hour sermons. Surely we have been abridged into a race of pigmies. For, truly, in those of the old discourses yet subsisting to us in print, the endless spinal column of divisions and subdivisions can be likened to nothing so exactly as to the vertebrae of the saurians, whence the theorist may conjecture a race of Anakim proportionate to the withstanding of these other monsters. I say Anakim rather than Nephelim, because there seem reasons for supposing that the race of those whose heads (though no giants) are constantly enveloped in clouds (which that name imports) will never become extinct. The attempt to vanquish the innumerable _heads_ of one of those aforementioned discourses may supply us with a plausible interpretation of the second labour of Hercules, and his successful experiment with fire affords us a useful precedent.

But while I lament the degeneracy of the age in this regard, I cannot refuse to succumb to its influence. Looking out through my study-window, I see Mr. Biglow at a distance busy in gathering his Baldwins, of which, to judge by the number of barrels lying about under the trees, his crop is more abundant than my own,--by which sight I am admonished to turn to those orchards of the mind wherein my labours may be more prospered, and apply myself diligently to the preparation of my next Sabbath's discourse.--H. W.]

GLOSSARY.

A.

Act'lly, _actually_.

Air, _are_.

Airth, _earth_.

Airy, _area_.

Aree, _area_.

Arter, _after_.

Ax, _ask_.

B.

Beller, _bellow_.

Bellowses, _lunge_.

Ben, _been_.

Bile, _boil_.

Bimeby, _by and by_.

Blurt out, _to speak bluntly_.

Bust, _burst_.

Buster, _a roistering blade_;
used also as a general superlative.

C.

Caird, _carried_.

Cairn, _carrying_.

Caleb, _a turncoat_.

Cal'late, _calculate_.

Cass, _a person with two lives_.

Close, _clothes_.

Cockerel, _a young cock_.

Cocktail, _a kind of drink_;
also, _an ornament peculiar to soldiers_.

Convention, _a place where people are imposed on_;
_a juggler's show_.

Coons, _a cant term for a now defunct party_;
derived, perhaps, from the fact of their being commonly _up a tree_.

Cornwallis, _a sort of muster in masquerade_;
supposed to have had its origin soon after the Revolution, and to
commemorate the surrender of Lord Cornwallis. It took the
place of the old Guy Fawkes procession.

Crooked stick, _a perverse, froward person_.

Cunnle, _a colonel_.

Cus, _a curse_;
also, _a pitiful fellow_.

D.

Darsn't, used indiscriminately, either in singular or plural number,
for _dare not_, _dares not_, and _dared not_.

Deacon off, _to give the cue to_;
derived from a custom, once universal, but now extinct, in our New
England Congregational churches. An important part of the
office of deacon was to read aloud the hymns _given out_ by
the minister, one line at a time, the congregation singing
each line as soon as read.

Demmercrat, leadin', _one in favour of extending slavery_;
_a free-trade lecturer maintained in the custom-house_.

Desput, _desperate_.

Doos, _does_.

Doughface, _a contented lick-spittle_;
a common variety of Northern politician.

Dror, _draw_.

Du, _do_.

Dunno, dno, _do not_ or _does not know_.

Dut, _dirt_.

E.

Eend, _end_.

Ef, _if_.

Emptins, _yeast_.

Env'y, _envoy_.

Everlasting, an intensive, without reference to duration.

Ev'y, _every_.

Ez, _as_.

F.

Fer, _for_.

Ferfle, ferful, _fearful_;
also an intensive.

Fin', _find_.

Fish-skin, used in New England to clarify coffee.

Fix, _a difficulty_, _a nonplus_.

Foller, folly, _to follow_.

Forrerd, _forward_.

Frum, _from_.

Fur, _far_.

Furder, _farther_.

Furrer, _furrow_.
Metaphorically, _to draw a straight furrow_ is to live uprightly
or decorously.

Fust, _first_.

G.

Gin, _gave_.

Git, _get_.

Gret, _great_.

Grit, _spirit_, _energy_, _pluck_.

Grout, _to sulk_.

Grouty, _crabbed_, _surly_.

Gum, _to impose on_.

Gump, _a foolish fellow_, _a dullard_.

Gut, _got_.

H.

Hed, _had_.

Heern, _heard_.

Hellum, _helm_.

Hendy, _handy_.

Het, _heated_.

Hev, _have_.

Hez, _has_.

Holl, _whole_.

Holt, _hold_.

Huf, _hoof_.

Hull, _whole_.

Hum, _home_.

Humbug, _General Taylor's antislavery_.

Hut, _hurt_.

I.

Idno, _I do not know_.

In'my, _enemy_.

Insines, _ensigns_;
used to designate both the officer who carries the standard, and the
standard itself.

Inter, intu, _into_.

J.

Jedge, _judge_.

Jest, _just_.

Jine, _join_.

Jint, _joint_.

Junk, _a fragment of any solid substance_.

K.

Keer, _care_.

Kep, _kept_.

Killock, _a small anchor_.

Kin', kin' o', kinder, _kind_, _kind of_.

L.

Lawth, _loath_.

Let day-light into, _to shoot_.

Let on, _to hint_, _to confess_, _to own_.

Lick, _to beat_, _to overcome_.

Lights, _the bowels_.

Lily-pads, _leaves of the water-lily_.

Long-sweetening, _molasses_.

Loon, _the northern diver_.

M.

Mash, _marsh_.

Mean, _stingy_, _ill-natured_.

Min', _mind_.

N.

Ned, a slang phrase, going it like Ned, equivalent to our 'going like
old Harry.'

Nimepunce, _ninepence_, _twelve and a half cents_.

Nowers, _nowhere_.

O.

Offen, _often_.

Ole, _old_.

Ollers, olluz, _always_.

On, _of_;
used before _it_ or _them_, or at the end of a sentence, as _on 't_,
_on 'em_, _nut ez ever I heerd on_.

On'y, _only_.

Ossifer, _officer_ (seldom heard).

P.

Peaked, _pointed_.

Peek, _to peep_.

Pickerel, _the pike, a fish_.

Pint, _point_.

Pocket full of rocks, _plenty of money_.

Pooty, _pretty_.

Pop'ler, _conceited_, _popular_.

Pus, _purse_.

Put out, _troubled_, _vexed_.

Q.

Quarter, _a quarter-dollar_.

Queen's arm, _a musket_.

R.

Resh, _rush_.

Revelee, _the reveille_.

Rile, _to trouble_.

Riled, _angry_;
_disturbed_, as the sediment in any liquid.

Riz, _risen_.

Row, a long row to hoe, _a difficult task_.

Rugged, _robust_.

Row-de-dow, _troublesome talk_.

S.

Sarse, _abuse_, _impertinence_.

Sartin, _certain_.

Saxon, _sacristan_, _sexton_.

Scaliest, _worst_.

Scringe, _cringe_.

Scrouge, _to crowd_.

Sech, _such_.

Set by, _valued_.

Shakes, great, _of considerable consequence_.

Shappoes, _chapeaux_, _cocked-hats_.

Sheer, _share_.

Shet, _shut_.

Shine, _a fancy or liking_, also written _shindy_.

Shut, _shirt_.

Skeered, _scared_.

Skeeter, _mosquito_.

Skooting, _running_ or _moving swiftly_.

Slarterin', _slaughtering_.

Slim, _contemptible_.

Snaked, _crawled like a snake_;
but _to snake any one out_, is to track him to his hiding-place;
_to snake a thing out_ is to snatch it out.

Soffies, _sofas_.

Sogerin', _soldiering_;
a barbarous amusement common among men in the savage state.

Som'ers, _somewhere_.

So 'st, _so as that_.

Sot, _set_, _obstinate_, _resolute_.

Spiles, _spoils_; _objects of political ambition_.

Spry, _active_.

Staddles, _stout stakes driven into the salt marshes_, on which the
hay-ricks are set, and thus raised out of the reach of high
tides.

Streaked, _uncomfortable_, _discomfited_.

Suckle, _circle_.

Sutthin', _something_.

Suttin, _certain_.

Swan, _to swear_.

T.

Take on, _to sorrow_.

Talents, _talons_.

Taters, _potatoes_.

Tell, _till_.

Tetch, _touch_.

Tetch tu, _to be able_;
used always after a negative in this sense.

Tollable, _tolerable_.

Toot, used derisively _for playing on any wind instrument_.

Thru, _through_.

Thundering, a euphemism common in New England, for the profane English
expression _devilish_. Perhaps derived from the belief,
common formerly, that thunder was caused by the Prince of
the Air, for some of whose accomplishments consult Cotton
Mather.

Tu, _to_, _too_;
commonly has this sound when used emphatically, or at the end of a
sentence. At other times it has the sound of _t_ in _tough_,
as _Ware ye goin' tu? Goin' ta Boston_.

U.

Ugly, _ill-tempered_, _intractable_.

Uncle Sam, _United States_;
the largest boaster of liberty and owner of slaves.

Unrizzest, applied to dough or bread;
_heavy_, _most unrisen_, or _most incapable of rising_.

V

V spot, _a five-dollar bill_.

Vally, _value_.

W.

Wake snakes, _to get into trouble_.

Wal, _well_;
spoken with great deliberation, and sometimes with the _a_ very much
flattened, sometimes (but more seldom) very much broadened.

Wannut, _walnut_ (_hickory_).

Ware, _where_.

Ware, _were_.

Whopper, _an uncommonly large lie_;
as, that General Taylor is in favour of the Wilmot Proviso.

Wig, _Whig_;
a party now dissolved.

Wiz, _to whiz_;
_go off_ (like a rocket).

Wunt, _will not_.

Wus, _worse_.

Wut, _what_.

Wuth, _worth_;
as, _Antislavery perfessions 'fore 'lection aint wuth a Bungtown
copper_.

Wuz, _was_, sometimes _were_.

Y.

Yaller, _yellow_.

Yeller, _yellow_.

Yellers, _a disease of peach-trees_.

Z.

Zach, Ole, _a second Washington_, _an antislavery slaveholder_, _a
humane buyer and seller of men and women_, _a Christian hero
generally_.

INDEX.

A. B., information wanted concerning, 76.

Adam, eldest son of, respected, 10.

AEneas goes to hell, 101.

AEolus, a seller of money, as is supposed by some, 101.

AEschylus, a saying of, 51, _note_.

Alligator, a decent one conjectured to be, in some sort, humane, 120.

Alphonso the Sixth of Portugal, tyrannical act of, 120.

Ambrose, Saint, excellent (but rationalistic) sentiment of, 35.

"American Citizen," new compost so called, 104.

American Eagle, a source of inspiration, 45
--hitherto wrongly classed, 51
--long bill of, 51.

Amos, cited, 34.

Anakim, that they formerly existed, shown, 124.

Angels, providentially speak French, 23
--conjectured to be skilled in all tongues, _ib._

Anglo-Saxondom, its idea, what, 21.

Anglo-Saxon mask, 21.

Anglo-Saxon race, 16.

Anglo-Saxon verse, by whom carried to perfection, 11.

Antonius, a speech of, 40
--by whom best reported, _ib._

Apocalypse, beast in, magnetic to theologians, 83.

Apollo, confessed mortal by his own oracle, 83.

Apollyon, his tragedies popular, 72.

Appian, an Alexandrian, not equal to Shakspeare as an orator, 40.

Ararat, ignorance of foreign tongues is an, 53.

Arcadian background, 106.

Aristophanes, 34.

Arms, profession of, once esteemed especially that of gentlemen, 10.

Arnold, 42.

Ashland, 106.

Astor, Jacob, a rich man, 91.

Astraea, nineteenth century forsaken by, 102.

Athenians, ancient, an institution of, 41.

Atherton, Senator, envies the loon, 60.

Austin, St., profane wish of, 43, _note_.

Aye-Aye, the, an African animal, America supposed to be settled by, 25.

Babel, probably the first Congress, 53
--a gabble-mill, _ib._

Baby, a low-priced one, 98.

Bagowind, Hon. Mr., whether to be damned, 63.

Baldwin apples, 125.

Baratarias, real or imaginary, which most pleasant, 102.

Barnum, a great natural curiosity recommended to, 49.

Barrels, an inference from seeing, 125.

Baton Rouge, 106
--strange peculiarities of labourers at, 107.

Baxter, R., a saying of, 35.

Bay, Mattysqumscot, 119.

Bay State, singular effect produced on military officers by leaving
it, 21.

Beast in Apocalypse, a loadstone, for whom, 83.

Beelzebub, his rigadoon, 61.

Behmen, his letters not letters, 76.

Bellers, a saloon-keeper, 111
--inhumanly refuses credit to a presidential candidate, 112.

Biglow, Ezekiel, his letter to Hon. J. T. Buckingham, 1
--never heard of any one named Mundishes, 2
--nearly four-score years old, _ib._
--his aunt Keziah, a notable saying of, 3.

Biglow, Hosea, excited by composition, 2
--a poem by, 3, 66
--his opinion of war, 4
--wanted at home by Nancy, 7
--recommends a forcible enlistment of warlike editors, _ib._
--would not wonder, if generally agreed with, 9
--versifies letter of Mr. Sawin, 11
--a letter from, 12, 57, 77
--his opinion of Mr. Sawin, 12
--does not deny fun at Cornwallis, 14, _note_
--his idea of militia glory, 17, _note_
--a pun of, 18, _note_
--is uncertain in regard to people of Boston, _ib._
--had never heard of Mr. John P. Robinson, 27
--_aliquid sufflaminandus_, 28
--his poems attributed to a Mr. Lowell, 33
--is unskilled in Latin, _ib._
--his poetry maligned by some, 34
--his disinterestedness, _ib._
--his deep share in commonweal, _ib._
--his claim to the presidency, _ib._
--his mowing, _ib._
--resents being called Whig, 35
--opposed to tariff, _ib._
--obstinate, _ib._
--infected with peculiar notions, _ib._
--reports a speech, 40
--emulates historians of antiquity, _ib._
--his character sketched from a hostile point of view, 52
--a request of his complied with, 64
--appointed at a public meeting in Jaalam, 77
--confesses ignorance, in one minute particular, of propriety, _ib._
--his opinion of cocked hats, _ib._
--letter to, _ib._
--called "Dear Sir," by a general, _ib._
--probably receives same compliment from two hundred and nine, _ib._
--picks his apples, 125
--his crop of Baldwins conjecturally large, _ib._

Billings, Dea. Cephas, 14.

Birch, virtue of, in instilling certain of the dead languages, 100.

Bird of our country sings hosanna, 16.

Blind, to go it, 98.

Blitz pulls ribbons from his mouth, 16.

Bluenose potatoes, smell of, eagerly desired, 17.

Bobtail obtains a cardinal's hat, 25.

Bolles, Mr. Secondary, author of prize peace essay, 15
--presents sword to Lieutenant Colonel, _ib._
--a fluent orator, _ib._
--found to be in error, 17.

Bonaparte, N., a usurper, 83.

Boot-trees, productive, where, 100.

Boston, people of, supposed educated, 18, _note_.

Brahmins, navel-contemplating, 74.

Bread-trees, 100.

Brigadier-Generals in militia, devotion of, 38.

Brown, Mr., engages in an unequal contest, 63.

Browne, Sir T., a pious and wise sentiment of, cited and commended, 11.

Buckingham, Hon. J. T., editor of the Boston Courier, letters to, 1,
12, 33, 57
--not afraid, 13.

Buffalo, a plan hatched there, 115
--plaster, a prophecy in regard to, _ib._

Buncombe, in the other world supposed, 41.

Bung, the eternal, thought to be loose, 7.

Bungtown Fencibles, dinner of, 26.

Butter in Irish bogs, 100.

C., General, commended for parts, 29
--for ubiquity, _ib._
--for consistency, _ib._
--for fidelity, _ib._
--is in favour of war, _ib._
--his curious valuation of principle, _ib._

Caesar, tribute to, 66
--his _veni, vidi, vici_, censured for undue prolixity, 85.

Cainites, sect of, supposed still extant, 10.

Caleb, a monopoly of his denied, 15
--curious notions of, as to meaning of "shelter," 19
--his definition of Anglo-Saxon, 20
--charges Mexicans (not with bayonets, but) with improprieties, _ib._

Calhoun, Hon. J. C., his cow-bell curfew, light of the nineteenth
century to be extinguished at sound of, 55
--cannot let go apron-string of the Past, _ib._
--his unsuccessful tilt at Spirit of the Age, 56
--the Sir Kay of modern chivalry, _ib._
--his anchor made of a crooked pin, 57
--mentioned, 58-61.

Cambridge Platform, use discovered for, 24.

Canary Islands, 100.

Candidate, presidential, letter from, 74
--smells a rat, 78
--against a bank, 79
--takes a revolving position, _ib._
--opinion of pledges, 80
--is a periwig, _ib._
--fronts south by north, 81
--qualifications of, lessening, 85
--wooden leg (and head) useful to, 96.

Cape Cod clergymen, what, 24
--Sabbath-breakers, perhaps, reproved by, _ib._

Carpini, Father John de Plano, among the Tartars, 123.

Cartier, Jacques, commendable zeal of, 123.

Cass, General, 59
--clearness of his merit, 60
--limited popularity at "Bellers's," 111.

Castles, Spanish, comfortable accommodations in, 102.

Cato, letters of, so called, suspended _naso adunco_, 76.