Chapter X: Act IV: Scene I

_Enter_ PHANISCUS.

PHA. (_to himself_). Servants who, though they are free from fault, still stand in awe of punishment, those same are wont to be serviceable to their masters. But those who fear nothing, after they have merited punishment, hit upon foolish plans for themselves: they exercise themselves in running; they take to flight. But, if they are caught, they acquire from punishment a hoard, which by good means they cannot. They increase from a very little, _and_ from that they lay by a treasure. The resolution that's in my mind is to be determined to be on my guard against punishment, before my back comes to lose its state of soundness. As hitherto it has been, so does it become my hide _still_ to be, without a bruise, and such that I should decline its being beaten. If I have any control over it, I shall keep it well covered up [1]. When punishment is being showered down on others, don't let it be showered down on me. But as servants wish their master to be, such is he wont to be. He is good to the good, bad to the bad. But now at our house at home there do live so many rogues, lavish of their property [2], bearers of stripes. When they are called to go fetch their master, "I shan't go; don't be plaguing _me_; I know where you are hurrying off to," _is the reply_. "Now, faith, you mule, you're longing to go to pasturage out of doors [3]." With better deserts, this advantage have I reaped from them, _and_, in consequence, I have come from home. I alone, out of _so_ many servants, am going to fetch my master. When, to-morrow, my master comes to know this, in the morning he will chastise them with bull's-hide spoils. In fine, I care less for their backs than for my own. Much rather shall they be bull's-hide-scourged than I be rope-scourged [4]. (_Moves on._)

_Enter another_ SERVANT.

SER. Hold you and stop this instant. Phaniscus! look round, I say!

PHA. (_not turning round_). Don't be annoying to me.

SER. Do see how scornful the monkey is!

PHA. I am so for myself; I choose to be. Why do you trouble yourself about it? (_Walking on._)

SER. Are you going to stop this instant, you dirty parasite? PHA. (_turning round_). How am I a parasite?

SER. Why, I'll tell you: you can be drawn anywhere by victuals. Do you give yourself airs, because your master's so fond _of you_?

PHA. (_rubbing his eyes_). O dear, my eyes do ache [5].

SER. Why so?

PHA. Because the smoke's _so_ troublesome.

SER. Hold your tongue, will you, _you clever_ workman, who are in the habit of coining money out of lead [6].

PHA. You cannot compel me to be abusive to you. My master knows me.

SER. Why, really, his own pillow [7] he ought to know, _for resting on when drunk_.

PHA. If you were sober, you wouldn't be abusive.

SER. Am I to give heed to you, when you won't to me?

PHA. But, you rascal, you come along with me to fetch him.

SER. Troth now, Phaniscus, prithee, do leave off talking about these matters.

PHA. I'll do so, and knock at the door. (_Knocks at the door of the house of_ THEUROPIDES.) Hallo there! is there any person here to protect this door from a most serious injury? (_Knocking again._) Is any one, is any one, I say, coming out here and going to open it? Why, really, no one comes out here. Just as befits _such_ worthless fellows, so they are. But on that account, I've the more need to be cautious that no one may come out and use me ill. (_They stand aside._)

[Footnote 1: _Well covered up_)--Ver. 865. He alludes to the practice of stripping disobedient slaves, for the purpose of flogging them.]

[Footnote 2: _Lavish of their property_)--Ver. 870. That is, of their backs.]

[Footnote 3: _To pasturage out of doors_)--Ver. 876. This was probably a proverbial phrase for going to the "thermopolium," the "hot liquor-shop" or "tippling-house," so much frequented by the slaves. See the Trinummus, 1. 1013, and the Note to the passage.]

[Footnote 4: _bull's-hide-scourged--rope-scourged_)--Ver. 882. "Bucaedae--restio." The latter word properly signifies "a ropemaker." The former is probably coined by Plautus.]

[Footnote 5: _My eyes do ache_)--Ver. 890. Phaniscus probably means to say, that the sight of him is as annoying to his eyes as smoke can be.]

[Footnote 6: _Money out of lead_)--Ver. 892. According to Erasmus, (Adagia Chil. v. Cent. 1,) this was a proverbial expression among the Romans, signifying the ability to put on a specious appearance.]

[Footnote 7: _His own pillow_)--Ver. 894. There is an indelicate allusion in this line; and another turn has been given to it in the Translation.]

SCENE II.--_Enter_ TRANIO _and_ THEUROPIDES, _from the house of_ SIMO.

TRA. What's your opinion of this bargain?

THEU. I am quite delighted.

TRA. Does it seem to you to have been bought too dear?

THEU. I' faith, I'm sure that I never anywhere saw a house thrown away, this one only excepted.

TRA. Does it please you, _then_?

THEU. Does it please me, do you ask me? Why yes, upon my faith, it really does please me very much.

TRA. What a fine set of rooms for the women! What a porch!

THEU. Exceedingly fine. For my part, I don't think that there is any _porch_ larger than this in the public buildings.

TRA. Why, I myself and Philolaches have taken the measure of all the porches in the public buildings.

THEU. _Well_, what then?

TRA. _This_ is far larger than all of them.

THEU. Immortal Gods--a splendid bargain! On my word, if he were now to offer six great talents of silver, ready money, for it, I would never take it.

TRA. Upon my faith, if you were inclined to take it, I would never let you.

THEU. My money has been well invested upon this purchase.

TRA. Boldly confess that by my advice and prompting it was done, who urged him to take up the money of the Banker upon interest, which we paid this person by way of deposit.

THEU. You've saved the whole ship. Eighty minae [1], you say, are owing for it?

TRA. Not a coin more. THEU. He may have it to-day.

TRA. By all means so, that there may be no dispute arising; or else pay them over to me, I'll then pay them over to him.

THEU. But still, don't let there be any taking me in, if I do give them to you.

TRA. Could I venture to deceive you in deed or word even in jest only?

THEU. Could I venture not to be on my guard against you, so as not to trust anything to you?

TRA. Why, have I ever imposed upon you in anything, since I was your _servant_?

THEU. But I've taken good care _of that_; I owe thanks to myself and my own judgment for that. If I'm only on my guard against you solely, I'm quite wise enough.

TRA. (_aside_). I agree with you.

THEU. Now be off into the country; tell my son that I've arrived.

TRA. I'll do as you wish.

THEIU. Run with all speed; bid him come to the city at once together with you.

TRA. Very well. (_Aside._) Now I'll betake myself this way by the back-door to my boon-companions; I'll tell them that things are quiet here, and how I have kept him away from here. (_Exit._

[Footnote 1: _Eighty minae_)--Ver. 919. Forty having been already paid (according to his story) as a deposit, and there being 120 minae in two talents.]

SCENE III.--THEUROPIDES, PHANISCUS, _and another_ SERVANT.

PHA. (_coming forward_). Really, I don't hear either the sound of revellers here, as once it was, nor yet the music-girl singing, nor any one else. (_Goes towards the door._)

THEU. What's the matter here? What are these people seeking at my house? What do they want? What are they peeping in for?

PHA. I shall proceed to knock at the door. (_Knocks._)

Hallo there, unlock _the door_! Hallo, Tranio! are you going to open it, I say?

THEU. (_advancing_). What story's this, _I wonder_?

PHA. (_aloud_). Are you going to open it, I say? I've come to fetch my master Callidamates.

THEU. Harkye, you lads! what are you doing there? Why are you breaking down that door?

PHA. Our master's at a drinking-party here.

THEU. Your master at a drinking-party here?

PHA. I say so.

THEU. You're carrying the joke too far _my_ lad.

PHA. We've come to fetch him.

THEU. What person? PHA. Our master. Prithee, how often must I tell you?

THEU. There's no one living here _my_ lad; for I do think that you are a decent lad.

PHA. Doesn't a young gentleman _called_ Philolaches live in this house?

SER. (_aside_). This old fellow's crack-brained, surely.

PHA. You are entirely mistaken, respected sir [1]; for unless he moved from here to-day or yesterday, I know for certain that he's living here.

THEU. Why, no one has been living here for these six months past.

SER. You are dreaming. THEU. What, I?

SER. You. THEU. Don't you be impertinent. Let me speak to the lad. (_Pointing to_ PHANISCUS.)

PHA. No one lives _there_? O dear--

THEU. It's the fact.

PHA. Really! why, yesterday and the day before, four, five, six days ago, all along, _in fact_, since his father went abroad from here, eating and drinking have never ceased for a single three days here.

THEU. What is it you say?

PHA. That eating and drinking have never stopped for a single three days here, bringing in wenches, living like Greeks, hiring harpists _and_ music-girls.

THEU. Who was it did this?

PHA. Philolaches. THEU. What Philolaches?

PHA. He whose father I take to be Theuropides.

THEU. (_apart_). O dear, O dear! I'm utterly undone, if he says the truth in this. I'll continue to question him still. Do you say that this Philolaches, whoever he is, has been in the habit of drinking here together with your master?

PHA. Here, I tell you.

THEU. _My_ lad, contrary to your appearance, you are a fool. See now, please, that you've not perchance been dropping in somewhere for an afternoon's whet [2], and have been drinking there a little more than was enough.

PHA. What do you mean? THEU. Just what I say; don't be going by mistake to other persons' houses.

PHA. I know where I ought to go, and the place to which I was to come. Philolaches lives here, whose father is Theuropides; and who, after his father went away to trade, made free a music-girl here.

THEU. Philolaches, say you? PHA. Just so; Philematium, I mean.

THEU. For how much? SER. For thirty talents.

PHA. _No_, by Apollo [3]; you mean minae.

THEU. Do you say that a mistress was purchased for Philolaches for thirty minae?

PHA. I do say so. THEU. And that he gave her her freedom?

PHA. I do say so. THEU. And that after his father had departed hence abroad, he has been carousing here continually with your master?

PHA. I do say _so_. THEU. Well, has he made purchase of the house next door here?

PHA. I don't say _so_. THEU. Has he given forty minae, too, to this person, to be as a deposit?

PHA. Nor yet do I say _so_.

THEU. Ah me! you've proved my ruin!

PHA. Aye, and he has proved the ruin of his father.

THEU. You prophesy the truth! I could wish it false!

PHA. A friend of his father, I suppose?

THEU. Ah me! Upon my faith, you do pronounce him _to be_ a wretched father.

PHA. Why really, this is nothing at all--thirty minae, in comparison with the other expenses he has incurred in good living. He has ruined his father. There's one servant there, a very great scoundrel, Tranio _by name_; he could even waste the revenue of a Hercules [4]. On my word, I'm sadly distrest for his father; for when he comes to know that things have gone on thus, a hot coal will be scorching his breast, poor man.

THEU. If, indeed, this is the truth.

PHA. What am I to gain, that I should tell a lie? (_Knocks again at the door._) Hallo, you! is any one coming to open this _door_?

SER. Why do you knock in this way, when there's no one in the house?

PHA. I fancy that he's gone elsewhere to carouse. Now then, let's begone. (_They move as if going._)

THEU. What, _my_ lad, are you off then? Liberty's the overcoat for your back [5].

PHA. Nothing have I with which to cover my back, except to pay respect and service to my master.

(_Exeunt_ PHANISCUS and SERVANT.

THEU. (_to himself_). By my troth, I am undone! What need is there of talking? According to the words I have heard, I surely haven't lately voyaged hence to Aegypt, but even to some desolate land and the most remote shores have I been borne about, so much am I at a loss to know where I now am. But I shall soon know; for see, here's the person of whom my son bought the house.

[Footnote 1: _Respected sir_)--Ver. 944. "Pater," Literally, "father."]

[Footnote 2: _An afternoon's whet_)--Ver. 958. "Merendam." According to some, this meal was the same as the "prandium," or "breakfast;" while others take it to have been a slight meal or luncheon, taken at about four or five in the afternoon.]

[Footnote 3: _No, by Apollo_)--Ver. 965. [Greek: Ma ton Apollo]. He uses a Greek adjuration.]

[Footnote 4: _The revenue of a Hercules_)--Ver. 976. It was the custom with many to devote to Hercules the tenth part of their possessions. Consequently, the revenues belonging to the Temples of this Deity would be especially large.]

[Footnote 5: _The overcoat for your back_)--Ver. 982. Schmieder thinks this is said insultingly to Phaniscus. It would, however, appear otherwise: Phaniscus having no "paenula," or "overcoat," on, Theuropides, who thinks him a very worthy fellow, says, "My good fellow, your freedom would make you a very fine overcoat." ]

SCENE IV.--_Enter_ SIMO.

THEU. What are you about?

SIM. I'm coming home from the Forum.

THEU. Has anything new been going on at the Forum to-day?

SIM. Why yes. THEU. What is it, pray?

SIM. I saw a dead man being carried to burial.

THEU. Dear me! that is something new!

SIM. I saw one who was dead being carried out to burial [1]. They said that he had been alive but just before.

THEU. Woe to that head of yours _for your nonsense_!

SIM. Why are you, _thus_ idling about, enquiring after the news? THEU. Because I've just arrived from abroad.

SIM. I'm engaged out to dine: don't suppose I shall invite you [2]. THEU. I' faith, I don't want.

SIM. But, to-morrow, unless any person invites me first, I'll even dine with you.

THEU. I' faith, and that, too, I don't want. Unless you are engaged _with something_ of greater importance, lend me your attention.

SIM. By all means. THEU. You have received, as far as I understand, forty minae of Philolaches.

SIM. Never a coin, so far as I know.

THEU. What? _Not_ from my servant Tranio?

SIM. Much less _is_ that _the case_.

THEU. Which he gave you by way of deposit?

SIM. What are you dreaming about?

THEU. What, I? Why, really, 'tis yourself, who hope that, by dissembling in this manner, you'll be able to make void this bargain.

SIM. Why, what _do you mean_? THEU. The business that, in my absence, my son transacted with you here.

SIM. How did your son, in your absence, transact any business with me? What pray, or on what day?

THEU. I owe you eighty minae of silver.

SIM. Not to me, indeed, upon my faith; but _still_, if you do owe them, give them me. Faith must be kept. Don't be attempting to deny it.

THEU. Assuredly, I shall not deny that I owe them; and I shall pay them. Do you take care how you deny that you received the forty from him.

SIM. Troth now, prithee, look this way at me, and answer me. He said that you were wishful to give a wife to your son; for that reason, he said that you intended building on your own _premises_.

THEU. I, intended building here? SIM. So he told me.

THEU. Ah me! I'm ruined outright! I've hardly any voice left [3]. Neighbours, I'm undone, ruined quite!

SIM. Has Tranio been causing any confusion?

THEU. Yes; he has thrown everything into confusion. He has made a fool of me to-day in a disgraceful manner.

SIM. What is it you say?

THEU. This matter is just as I am telling you; he has this day made a fool of me in an outrageous manner. Now I beseech you that you'll kindly aid me, and lend me your assistance.

SIM. What would you have?

THEU. I beg of you, come this way together with me.

SIM. Be it so. THEU. Lend me the assistance of your slaves and some scourges.

SIM. Take them _by all means_.

THEU. At the same time I'll tell you about this, in what a fashion he has this day imposed upon me. (_They go into the house of_ SIMO.)

[Footnote 1: _Being carried out to burial_)--Ver. 991. It is supposed that in this reply he plays upon the question of Theuropides, who uses the word "processit" in his question, which may either mean, "what has been going on?" or "what procession has there been?"]

[Footnote 2: _I shall invite you_)--996. He alludes to the universal custom of giving friends a "coena viatica," or welcome entertainment, on arriving from off a journey.]

[Footnote 3: _I've hardly any voice left_)--Ver. 1019. "Vocis non habeo satis." Literally, "I have not voice enough."]