Chapter VI: Tib's Malpractyzes

As about this Time, it being stark Winter, _Tib Pyebaker_ went near to burn the House down after the Manner following. She took some red-hot Coals between two Saucepan-lids to warm her Bed therewith; and, whenas she deemed it heated enow, she would needs not be at the Pains of carrying the Coals down again, but hid them under the Stairs in a Broom-cupboard. And by Reason of the undermost Lid-handle making the Lid to lose its Balance, it fell Topside-t'otherway, and the lighted Coals were spilled, whereof I passing the Cupboard, was made ware by the strong Smell of burning. And, looking therein and moving sundry Rags that were already Tinder, I found the Boards beneath them just ready to burst into a Flame. Whereupon, without running for Water, I cast my Gown thereon and crushed it out with my Hands. Now, could I have hidden my Burns, I might have saved _Tib's_ Credit; whereas the Thing could not be hid, seeing I could not so much as cut my Meat; and Mistress _Fraunces_ bruiting it abroad, it came to the Ears of the Bridge Wardens, who, because of the imperilling of the whole Bridge, would not be hindered of setting _Tib_ in the Cage, as a Warning to other careless Servants. I was grievous for her, the Place was so publique; and a Lot of 'Prentice Boys were staring at her all Day, and offering her Eatables and then plucking them away. Also _Miles_ made no end of Pretences for going of Errands past that End of the Bridge, and always feigned to look away from _Tib_, yet took Care to spy her in her Trouble, out of the Corner of his Eye, all the Time.

I never knew one Woman treat another with more silent Contempt than _Damaris_ expressed for _Tib_, after this Affair of the Cage. It was a long Time afore the 'Prentices (who now called me _Fire-and-Water_,) left off asking of _Tib_ where she now kept her Warming-pan, and whether she cast her hot Ashes out on the Boats that shot the Bridge. For this, she would sometimes catch them by the Ears and pull them well; but then they would cry "Clubs!" and a Score of Lads were over their Counters in a Minute, and she had to run for it and dart breathless into the House, whither they dared not follow her. Howbeit, when the pleasant Month of May came, and the Damsels danced before their Masters' Doors to the Timbrels, _Tib_, who well loved to pound away with the Rest, was so cross that she would not come forth.

During the last few Months, _Tomkins_ had been much eased of his Lameness; and the worn Look of Suffering had altogether departed, leaving him a much younger looking Man than before this Relief. One day, to my great Surprise, he told me he was going to be married. I asked him, to whom; and he said, to an old Acquaintance of his he had long lost Sight of, but had fallen in with in St. _Magnus_' Church ... one who would gladly have had him when they were many Years younger, but who was kind enough to care for him and wish to make him happy now. He added, reflectively, when he had told me this, "There are a great many good Women in the World."

So he removed his Loom to a tidy Lodging in _Shoreditch_, which Master _Hewet_ furnished for him; and Mistress _Fraunces_ gave him his Wedding Dinner, and _Miles_ and I helped to eat it. The Wife, though middle-aged, had a pleasant Aspect; and I thought _Tomkins_ had done a very good Thing for himself; but his Attick looked very dreary without him.

The Marching Watch was revived with great Splendour this Year by the Lord Mayor, Sir _John Gresham_, both on St. _John's_ Eve, and the Eve of St. _Peter_: and the Array was augmented by three Hundred Demi-lances and light Horse, prepared by the City to be sent into _Scotland_ for the Rescue of the Town of _Haddington_. Five Hundred of the Cressets were furnished by the great Companies, the other two Hundred by the Chamber of _London_, and every Cresset had two Men, one to hold, and one to trim it: and every Cresset-bearer had Wages, his Breakfast, a Badge, and a Straw Hat. And, what with Halberdiers, Billmen, etc., there mustered about two Thousand. There were also many City Feasts, some of which Master _Hewet_ and Mistress _Fraunces_ attended very richly dressed.

It was some little Time after this, that I, copying a Letter at my Master's Behest, could not hinder myself of hearing the following Address made to him by Mistress _Fraunces_.

"_William_, I have been laying up thy black Velvet Suit with Care, this Morning, thinking thou wouldest have no more present Occasion for it.—How well thou becamest it, I thought! And so thought Mistress _Beatrix_. She said she had never seen a Man look so well since thou warest thy white Sarcenet Coat in the great Muster for King _Harry_."

"Sarcenet Speeches, Sister," sayth Master _Hewet_.

"Nay, I know not what you mean by Sarcenet Speeches," returns she, "I am sure they were sincere enough; and truly I think, Brother, if you pushed your Fortune a little in that Quarter, you might have Success."

Finding he uttered no Word, she, after a little waiting, saith, "Dear _Alice_ hath now been long in her Grave, and would, I am certified, wish you to be happy."

—"And what is to make me so?" asks he, huskily.

"Nay, Brother, a good Wife."

"I've had one," quod he, "and one is enough to my Share.—Are you tired of keeping House for me? What would you do, now, if I set a Lady above you at my Table?"

"Oh," quod she cheerfully, "I would gladly take the second Place. Or, if she preferred my Room to my Company, I would take Pattern by the old Lady at the Bridge End that lives all alone by herself with her Cats."

"No, dear _Fraunces_" sayth he,—and I have Ground for thinking he kissed her,—"you shall need neither Alternative—_Alice_ shall have no Successor in mine House, since she can never have one in my Heart ... and, as to happy,—why, except for that one great Loss, am I not happy as Man can be? Believe me, I am content with the Present, and trustful for the Future. I hope to see...."

But what he hoped to see, I heard not.

About this Time, _Miles_ had formed close Acquaintance with some Lads on the Bridge, who gave their Masters more Trouble than enough. I suppose he thought it spirited of them, and worthy of all Imitation. One Night, I awoke out of my first Sleep, and lay listening to the Uproar of the Winds and Waters, which seemed quite to drown _Miles'_ Snoring, when the Door suddenly opened, and my Master, with a Lamp in his Hand, sayth, "_Ned_, are you in Bed?" I say, "Yes, Master." "Then," quod he, where is _Miles_?" I said, "In Bed too, Master." But he turned his Light on _Miles'_ Bed, and it was empty. Then quod he, "The Bridge Watchman hath just called under my Window to say one of my 'Prentices was abroad, but he wist not which, for in chasing him, he stumbled over an Heap of Rubbish before a House under Repair, and lost him in the Dark."

Then he left me, and I lay wondering how _Miles_ could have got out, since Mistress _Fraunces_ kept the House-key, and what Account he would give of himself when he came back. Master _Hewet_, I afterwards learnt, found the Key in the Door, outside, and took it in, and locked the Door. And so, sate in Wait a good While, till at length some one tries the Door from without, then gropes about the Ground for the Key, then loudly whispers through the Keyhole, "_Tib!_ _Tib!_"

Thereupon the Door is opened, but not by _Tib_; and my Master, collaring _Miles_, strikes him, but not so severely as for him to do what he did, which was to fall all along on the Ground and emit one or two hollow Grones. Master _Hewet_, witting him to be scarce hurt, waxed very angry, and pulling him up, would know how he got out, but _Miles_ would not tell. Then he would know why he called on _Tib_ through the Keyhole, as though expecting her to be at Hand; and he made Answer, Because her Name came readiest, and he was less afeard of her than of any else, but she wist not of his being out. My Master said, That should be seen to, and how did he get the Key? He said Mistress _Fraunces_ had forgotten to take it up. But Mistress _Fraunces_, when called up, remembered well to have laid it on her Toilette ere she went to Bed, and was avised _Tib_ must have fetched it while she was asleep. But, on going to _Tib_, Mistress _Fraunces_ found her sleeping so heavily, that after much shaking, all she could get out of her was, "Thieves! Thieves!" So the Matter stood over; Master _Hewet_ putting it to _Miles_ whether he wist not that he might have him up before the Wardens, and see him hardly dealt with. So _Miles_ came back to his Bed, sullen enough.

But a Woman's own Tongue is oft her worst Enemy. The next Morning, though Nothing could be got out of _Miles_ nor of _Tib_, yet Mistress _Fraunces_, being in her own Bed-chamber, instead of at Market, as _Tib_ supposed, hears _Tib_, who was concluded to be making my Master's Bed, a talking from his Window to the Maid in the corresponding Window across the Strete. And although, by Reason of the two Tenements being so very few Feet apart in their upper Stories, there was hardly need for _Tib_ to speak above her Breath, yet Mistress _Fraunces_, quickened by Curiosity, could hear almost every Word, and how that _Tib_ had come into her Chamber when she was asleep, and took the Key and lent it to _Miles_, who had promised her a tawdry Ribbon for it: and how the Watchman saw him go forth, and aroused my Master, who set on him when he returned, and beat him within an Inch of his Life. And how Mistress _Fraunces_—But here Mistress _Fraunces_ spoiled all, in her Anxiety to hear the Particulars of her own Character; for, advancing a little too near the Casement, that she might not lose a Syllable, she was caught Sight of by the Neighbour's Maid, who, without Doubt, made a Signal to _Tib_. Whereupon, _Tib_, after a Moment's Pause, added, and how that if Mistress _Fraunces_ were not the sweetest and mercifullest of Ladies, there would be no Chance of her forgiving such a Misdeed when she came to hear it, as _Tib_ meant she should the very first Time she could find Heart to confess it to the sweetest and best of Ladies.

Oh what Potence hath a flattering Tongue! Here was Mistress _Fraunces_ ready to fly out upon _Tib_ and give her Warning on the Spot, and, in a Minute, in a Breath, her Wrath was allayed and brought within Compass by the Commendation of an artful Woman. She goeth to the Stair-foot and calleth, "_Tib!_ _Tib!_ come down with thee this Instant!" but by the Time _Tib_ appeared with her Apron at her Eyes, she had lost all Mind to cast her, characterless, forth of the House, and it sufficed her to bestow a severe Chiding. Whereat _Tib_ wept, and took Shame to herself, and made her Peace; and so was kept on. Which I ever thought an ill-advised Thing. Where there's no Fidelity, there's no Safety.