Chapter V: Act THE THIRD: Scene I

_Enter SIMO and DAVUS from the house of the former. MYSIS and LESBIA
are coming toward the house of GLYCERIUM._

MYS. (_not seeing SIMO and DAVUS._) Upon my faith, the fact is really as you mentioned, Lesbia, you can hardly find a man constant to a woman.

SIM. (_apart to DAVUS._) This maid-servant comes from the Andrian.

DAV. (_apart to SIMO._) What do you say?

SIM. (_apart to DAVUS._) It is so.

MYS. But this Pamphilas----

SIM. (_apart to DAVUS._) What is she saying?

MYS. Has proved his constancy.

SIM. (_apart._) Hah!

DAV. (_apart to himself._) I wish that either he were deaf, or she struck dumb.

MYS. For the child she brings forth, he has ordered to be brought up.

SIM. (_apart._) O Jupiter! What do I hear! It’s all over, if indeed this woman speaks the truth.

LES. You mention a good disposition on the part of the young man.

MYS. A most excellent one. But follow me in-doors, that you mayn’t keep her waiting.

LES. I’ll follow. (_MYSIS and LESBIA go into GLYCERIUM’S house._)

SCENE II.

_SIMO and DAVUS._

DAV. (_aside._) What remedy now shall I find for this mishap?

SIM. (_to himself aloud._) What does this mean? Is he so infatuated? {The child} of a foreign woman? Now I understand; ah! scarcely even at last, in my stupidity, have I found it out.

DAV. (_aside to himself._) What does he say he has found out?

SIM. (_aside._) This piece of knavery is being now for the first time palmed upon me by this fellow; they are pretending that she’s in labor, in order that they may alarm Chremes.

GLY. (_exclaiming from within her house._) Juno Lucina,[60] grant me thine aid, save me, I do entreat thee!

SIM. Whew! so sudden? What nonsense! As soon as she has heard that I’m standing before the door, she makes all haste. These {incidents}, Davus, have not been quite happily adapted by you as to the points of time.

DAV. By me?

SIM. Are your scholars forgetful?[61]

DAV. I don’t know what you are talking about.

SIM. (_aside._) If he at the real marriage {of my son} had taken me off my guard, what sport he would have made of me. Now it is at his own risk; I’m sailing in harbor.

SCENE III.

_Re-enter LESBIA from the house of GLYCERIUM._

LES. (_speaking to ARCHYLIS at the door, and not seeing SIMO and DAVUS._) As yet, Archylis, all the customary symptoms which ought to exist toward recovery, I perceive in her. Now, in the first place, take care and let her bathe;[62] then, after that, what I ordered to be given her to drink, and as much as I prescribed, do you administer: presently I will return hither. (_To herself aloud._) By all that’s holy, a fine boy has been born to Pamphilus. I pray the Gods that he may survive, since {the father} himself is of a good disposition, and since he has hesitated to do an injustice to this most excellent young woman. (_Exit._

SCENE IV.

_SIMO and DAVUS._

SIM. Even this, who is there that knows you that would not believe that it originated in you?

DAV. Why, what is this?

SIM. She didn’t order in their presence what was requisite to be done for the woman lying in; but after she has come out, she bawls from the street to those who are in the house. O Davus, am I thus trifled with by you? Or pray, do I seem to you so very well suited to be thus openly imposed upon by your tricks? At all events {it should have been} with precaution; that at least I might have seemed to be feared if I should detect it.

DAV. (_aside._) Assuredly, upon my faith, it’s he that’s now {deceiving} himself, not I.

SIM. I gave you warning, I forbade you with threats to do it. Have you been awed? What has it availed? Am I to believe you now in this, that this woman has had a child by Pamphilus?

DAV. (_aside._) I understand where he’s mistaken; and I see what I must do.

SIM. Why are you silent?

DAV. What would you believe? As though word had not been brought you that thus it would happen.

SIM. Any {word brought} to me?

DAV. Come now, did you of your own accord perceive that this was counterfeited?

SIM. I am being trifled with.

DAV. Word has been brought you; for {otherwise} how could this suspicion have occurred to you?

SIM. How? Because I knew you.

DAV. As though you meant to say that this has been done by my contrivance.

SIM. Why, I’m sure of it, to a certainty.

DAV. Not yet even do you know me sufficiently, Simo, what sort of person I am.

SIM. I, not {know} you!

DAV. But if I begin to tell {you} any thing, at once you think that deceit is being practiced upon you in guile; therefore, upon my faith, I don’t dare now {even} to whisper.

SIM. This one thing I am sure of, that no person has been delivered here. (_Pointing to GLYCERIUM’S house._)

DAV. You have discovered {that}? Still, not a bit the less will they presently be laying the child[63] here before the door. Of this, then, I now warn you, master, that it will happen, that you may be aware of it. Don’t you hereafter be saying that this was done through the advice or artifices of Davus. I wish this suspicion of yours to be entirely removed from myself.

SIM. How do you know that?

DAV. I’ve heard so, and I believe it: many things combine for me to form this conjecture. In the first place then, she declared that she was pregnant by Pamphilus; that has been proved to be false.[64] Now, when she sees that preparations are being made for the wedding at our house, the maid-servant is directly sent to fetch the midwife to her, and to bring a child at the same time.[65] Unless it is managed for you to see the child, the marriage will not be at all impeded.

SIM. What do you say {to this}? When you perceived that they were adopting this plan, why didn’t you tell Pamphilus immediately?

DAV. Why, who has induced him to leave her, but myself? For, indeed, we all know how desperately he loved her. Now he wishes for a wife. In fine, do you intrust me with that affair; proceed however, as before, to celebrate these nuptials, just as you are doing, and I trust that the Gods will prosper this matter.

SIM. Very well; be off in-doors; wait for me there, and get ready what’s necessary to be prepared. (_DAVUS goes into the house._) He hasn’t prevailed upon me {even} now altogether to believe these things, and I don’t know whether what he has said is all true; but I deem it of little moment; this is of far greater importance to me-- that my son himself has promised me. Now I’ll go and find Chremes; I’ll ask him for a wife for my son; if I obtain my request, at what other time rather than to-day should I prefer these nuptials taking place? For as my son has promised, I have no doubt but that if he should prove unwilling, I can fairly compel him. And look! here’s Chremes himself, just at the very time.

SCENE V.

_Enter CHREMES._

SIM. I greet you, Chremes.

CHREM. O, you are the very person I was looking for.

SIM. And I for you.

CHREM. You meet me at a welcome moment. Some persons have been to me, to say that they had heard from you, that my daughter was to be married to your son to-day; I’ve come to see whether they are out of their senses or you.

SIM. Listen; in a few words you shall learn both what I want of you, and what you seek {to know}.

CHREM. I am listening; say what you wish.

SIM. By the Gods, I do entreat you, Chremes, and {by} our friendship, which, commencing with our infancy, has grown up with our years, and by your only daughter and by my own son (of preserving whom the entire power lies with you), that you will assist me in this matter; and that, just as this marriage was about to be celebrated, it may be celebrated.

CHREM. O, don’t importune me; as though you needed to obtain this of me by entreaty. Do you suppose I am different now from what I was formerly, when I promised her? If it is for the advantage of them both that it should take place, order her to be sent for. But if from this course there would result more harm than advantage for each, this I do beg of you, that you will consult for their common good, as though she were your own {daughter}, and I the father of Pamphilus.

SIM. Nay, so I intend, and so I wish it to be, Chremes; and I would not ask it of you, did not the occasion itself require it.

CHREM. What is the matter?

SIM. There is a quarrel between Glycerium and my son.

CHREM. (_ironically_) I hear {you}.

SIM. So much so, that I’m in hopes they may be separated.

CHREM. Nonsense!

SIM. It really is so.

CHREM. After this fashion, i’faith, I tell you, “the quarrels of lovers {are} the renewal of love.”

SIM. Well-- this I beg of you, that we may prevent it. While an opportunity offers, and while his passion is cooled by affronts, before the wiles of these women and their tears, craftily feigned, bring back his love-sick mind to compassion, let us give him a wife. I trust, Chremes, that, when attached by intimacy and a respectable marriage, he will easily extricate himself from these evils.

CHREM. So it appears to you; but I do not think[66] that either he can possibly hold to her with constancy, or that I can put up with it if he does not.

SIM. How then can you be sure of that, unless you make the experiment?

CHREM. But for that experiment to be made upon a daughter is a serious thing----

SIM. Why look, all the inconvenience in fine amounts to this-- possibly, which may the Gods forfend, a separation may take place. But if he is reformed, see how many are the advantages: in the first place, you will have restored a son to your friend; you will obtain a sure son-in-law[67] for yourself, and a husband for your daughter.

CHREM. What is {one to say} to all this? If you feel persuaded that this is beneficial, I don’t wish that any advantage should be denied you.

SIM. With good reason, Chremes, have I always considered you a most valuable friend.

CHREM. But how say you----?

SIM. What?

CHREM. How do you know that they are now at variance?

SIM. Davus himself, who is privy to {all} their plans, has told me so; and he advises me to expedite the match as fast as I can. Do you think he would do so, unless he was aware that my son desired it? You yourself as well shall presently hear what he says. (_Goes to the door of his house and calls._) Halloo there! Call Davus out here. Look, here he is; I see him just coming out.

SCENE VI.

_Enter DAVUS from the house._

DAV. I was coming to you.

SIM. Why, what’s the matter?

DAV. Why isn’t the bride sent for?[68] It’s now growing late in the day.

SIM. Do you hear me? I’ve been for some time not a little apprehensive of you, Davus, lest you should do that which the common class of servants is in the habit of doing, namely, impose upon me by your artifices; because my son is engaged in an amour.

DAV. What, I do that?

SIM. I fancied {so}; and therefore, fearing that, I concealed from you what I shall now mention.

DAV. What?

SIM. You shall know; for now I almost feel confidence in you.

DAV. Have you found out at last what sort of a person I am?

SIM. The marriage was not to have taken place.

DAV. How? Not {to have taken place}?

SIM. But I was making pretense, that I might test you {all}.

DAV. (_affecting surprise._) What is it you tell me?

SIM. Such is the fact.

DAV. {Only} see! I was not able to discover that. Dear me! what a cunning contrivance!

SIM. Listen to this. Just as I ordered you to go from here into the house, he (_pointing to CHREMES_) most opportunely met me.

DAV. (_aside._) Ha! Are we undone, then?

SIM. I told him what you just now told me.

DAV. (_aside._) Why, what am I to hear?

SIM. I begged him to give his daughter, and with difficulty I prevailed upon him.

DAV. (_aside._) Utterly ruined!

SIM. (_overhearing him speaking._) Eh-- What was it you said?

DAV. Extremely well done, I say.

SIM. There’s no delay on his part now.

CHREM. I’ll go home at once; I’ll tell her to make due preparation, and bring back word here. (_Exit._

SIM. Now I do entreat you, Davus, since you by yourself have brought about this marriage for me----

DAV. I myself, indeed![69]

SIM. Do your best still to reform my son.

DAV. Troth, I’ll do it with all due care.

SIM. Do it now, while his mind is agitated.

DAV. You may be at ease.

SIM. Come then; where is he just now?

DAV. A wonder if he isn’t at home.

SIM. I’ll go to him; and what I’ve been telling you, I’ll tell him as well. (_Goes into his house._)

SCENE VII.

_DAVUS alone._

DAV. (_to himself._) I’m a lost man! What reason is there why I shouldn’t take my departure straightway hence for the mill? There’s no room left for supplicating; I’ve upset every thing now; I’ve deceived my master; I’ve plunged my master’s son into a marriage; I’ve been the cause of its taking place this very day, without his hoping for it, and against the wish of Pamphilus. Here’s cleverness {for you}! But, if I had kept myself quiet, no mischief would have happened. (_Starting._) But see, I espy him; I’m utterly undone! Would that there were some spot here for me, from which I might this instant pitch myself headlong! (_Stands apart._)

SCENE VIII.

_Enter PAMPHILUS in haste from SIMO’S house._

PAM. Where is he? The villain, who this day-- I’m ruined; and I confess that this has justly befallen me, for being such a dolt, so devoid of sense; that I should have intrusted my fortunes to a frivolous slave![70] I am suffering the reward of my folly; still he shall never get off from me unpunished for this.

DAV. (_apart._) I’m quite sure that I shall be safe in future, if for the present I get clear of this mishap.

PAM. But what now am I to say to my father? Am I to deny that I am ready, who have just promised to marry? With what effrontery could I presume {to do} that? I know not what to do with myself.

DAV. (_apart._) Nor I with myself, and {yet} I’m giving all due attention to it. I’ll tell him that I will devise something, in order that I may procure some respite in this dilemma.

PAM. (_Catching sight of him._) Oho!

DAV. (_apart._) I’m seen.

PAM. (_sneeringly._) How now, good sir, what are you about? Do you see how dreadfully I am hampered by your devices?

DAV. Still, I’ll soon extricate you.

PAM. You, extricate {me}?

DAV. Assuredly, Pamphilus.

PAM. As you {have} just {done}, I suppose.

DAV. Why no, better, I trust.

PAM. What, am I to believe you, you scoundrel?[71] You, indeed, make good a matter that’s all embarrassment and ruin! Just see, in whom I’ve been placing reliance-- you who this day from a most happy state have been and plunged me into a marriage. Didn’t I say that this would be the case?

DAV. You did say {so}.

PAM. What do you deserve?[72]

DAV. The cross.[73] But allow me a little time to recover myself; I’ll soon hit upon something.

PAM. Ah me! not to have the leisure to inflict punishment upon you as I desire! for the present conjuncture warns me to take precautions for myself, not to be taking vengeance on you. (_Exeunt._