Chapter C: C. F. (rising slowly). Ye-ye-yes, sir! s-s-s-s-sometimes. (Sitting.)

TEACHER. Next!

B. F. S. (_drawling_). My father knows you. He used ter go to school with you. Says you and him played hookey one day and tumbled inter the mill-pond--and--he! he! ye both got a flogging!--My name's Benjamin Franklin Squeers, like my father's. (_Scholars titter._)

TEACHER. That will do, Benjamin Franklin. Your father evidently had some one else in mind. The class may sing the multiplication table. (_Class sing "Five times one are five," etc., to the tune of Yankee Doodle._)

TEACHER. You may now all take your books and slates. The infant class may pass out on the floor. You may look at the words on the board and get ready to read them. (_Class forms a semicircle in front of teacher's desk or board. Teacher writes the following on board:_)

1. Herod the tetrarch. 2. This is a worm; do not tread on it. 3. This is the heir; come, let us kill him.

FIRST BOY (_reads slowly_). He--rode--the--Don't know that word.

TEACHER. Didn't I tell you to study while I was writing?

BOY. Yes, sir. (_Crying._)

TEACHER. Then go on.

BOY. Boo-hoo! I can't read it.

TEACHER. Try it again immediately.

BOY. He (_boo-hoo!_) rode--the--tater--cart! (_Weeps profusely._)

TEACHER. Next scholar read it.

GIRL. Herod--the--the--the (_is prompted by someone_) the tetrarch.

TEACHER. Very good. Next boy, the second sentence.

BOY. This--is--a--warm--This--is--a--warm--doughnut--tread on it.

TEACHER (_presenting dunce cap_). Put that on and stand in the corner. (_Boy scuffs to corner, where he spends his time throwing spitballs and eating doughnuts, thrown him by pupils when the teacher is not looking._) Next read. (_Boy steps up to ask teacher about an example._)

GIRL (_prompted by one of the boys_). Thith ith a wurrum. Be--careful--not--to--tread--on--it (_again prompted_), or it will bite you.

TEACHER (_to boy_). You have multiplied wrong. Let me see: five times nine are forty-five, put down the five and carry the four, etc. (_Class push and pull, but straighten into line when the teacher looks up._) Next read.

BOY. This--is--the--hair--comb. Let--us--kill--him!

TEACHER. I am ashamed of you. Does c-o-m-e spell comb? (_Sends boy with slate to his seat._) Hands up--those who can tell me what it does spell. Well, John?

JOHN. It spells come.

TEACHER. Right. You may read it.

JOHN. This--is--the--hair. Come--let--us--kill--him. Ow-oo-oo! (_Dancing round._)

TEACHER. Well, John! What's the matter?

JOHN. Somebody pulled my hair!

TEACHER (_severely_). Who pulled John's hair?

PUPIL. I did; I couldn't help it. (_Hanging head._)

TEACHER. Couldn't help pulling hair! That is a likely story. You may pass to the foot.

PUPIL. No, I couldn't. I went to raise my hand and his hair was right in the way. (_Scuffs to foot._)

TEACHER. I will try you on one more sentence, and if you cannot read that properly you must take your seats and study. (_Writes: "Stephen says that the girls are knitting."_) Next read.

PUPIL. Step-hen! (_Hands of class go up._)

TEACHER. Wrong! Next! (_Is interrupted by boy who wants a drink. Two boys are appointed to get a bucket of water and pass it to the others in tin cups._)

NEXT PUPIL. Stephen--says--that--the--girls--are--kissing. (_Boys laugh._)

GIRL (_indignantly_). He didn't read that right!

TEACHER. Very well. You may read it.

GIRL (_still unmollified_). Stephen says that girls are kittens.

(_Teacher sends class to seats in disgrace to study their lesson._)

BOY (_in seat_). Teacher, how many is five less one?

TEACHER. Think that out yourself. If there were five crows in Squire Green's field and you should shoot one, how many would there be left?

BOY. Only one.

TEACHER. What? Think again.

BOY. The other four would fly off, wouldn't they?

GIRL (_raising hand_). How many scruples are there in a drachm?

TEACHER. Jonathan, tell Maria how many scruples there are in a drachm.

JONATHAN. Don't know, only that ma said as how pa took his dram every morning without any scruples. I guess some drams don't have no scruples.

TEACHER. Both of you refer to your tables.

GIRL (_raising hand_). Teacher, why does an elephant have a trunk?

BOY (_raising hand_). So's't he'd be an elephant, of course!

TEACHER. I will now hear the class in history. (_They pass out to places, the boys trying to get a drink on the way._) The first scholar may tell me something about Christopher Columbus.

FIRST GIRL. Christopher was once a little boy like me--no, I mean he was a little girl like me--no, I don't!--well, he went to school like me anyway. His mother's name was Geneva.

BOY. Hoh! It wasn't either. That was his father's name.

ANOTHER GIRL. Teacher, wasn't Geneva where he was born?

TEACHER. Yes, Mary, go on.

MARY. Somebody bought him a yacht or a steamer, I believe, and one Friday he sailed over here to America and asked us if we had been discovered yet, and we told him "No." "All right," he said, "you have." So he took some of our Indians home with him to tell the king that they had been discovered, and we named the United States after him.

TEACHER. That is right in the main. One or two points I might take exceptions to. The next may take George Washington and tell us about him. (_Is interrupted by a boy in seat who raises his hand and asks how many days there are in a year._) Who can tell Julius how many days in a year?

VENUS. Three hundred and sixty-five days and a fourth.

BOY. What d'ye mean by "a fourth"?

DANIEL. Fourth of July, of course!

TEACHER. We will hear the next scholar.

PUPIL. George was born in Washington, D.C., and was named for that city.