Chapter III: Part 3

Four of my Guests, _Viz._ The Captain, and three of the rest did employ themselves in looking after the Ships unlading; but the other two, who were the youngest (and therefore, as I thought, fittest to take pains) did still stay at home in my house, or else walk out for their recreation. This, and some other things that I observed, made me curious in my observations of them in all their actions, suspecting they were either personages of greater quality than ordinary, or that there was some other mystery in the case: but they being as cunning as my self concealed that from me which I since knew, though I tryed them with several speeches and discourses, in which I thought my self cunning enough; I observed this, that these two young men never lay together, but sometimes the Captain lay with one of them, and another person of his company with the other. The greatest part of their business being for the present dispatched, they often times staid at home and feasted, where they drank off great quantities of _Persian_ Wine, and other the Country drinks, the best I could get for them. They having all drank one time to a good height, and being very merry, the Captain asked which was the best house for handsome Women now. I informed him of the best I knew; but says he, _yee have no English Girls here_, no said I, seldom any such blessings come into this Country, we are forced to content our selves with the brown Natives: _I believe_, said the Captain, _if these two young men_, William _and_ George (for such was the names of the two young men I spake of) _were hansomly drest in Womens cloaths, they would pass for hansom Women_. I then of a sudden turning my eyes towards the parties he spake of, saw that their cheeks were dy’d of a Vermilion hew, deeper than lately they had acquired by drinking: This caused me to distrust something; but the rest of the Company falling into a kind of a laughter, which I supposed was somewhat forced, they altered their discourse, and began a fresh health to all their friends in _England_, which I pledged them with a very good will, telling them that I had some, whose company I had heartily wished for; _what are they_, said the Captain; Sir, said I, they are such as I beleeve you love, that is, hansom Women in general; and of these I had the good fortune to be particularly and intimately acquainted with several. At the ending of this discourse, I was called for down to attend some of my guests who were going, which having done, I again went up, where I found the Captain and the rest in a standing posture, ready likewise to be gone, at which I wondred, but let them take their pleasures: So five of my six guests left me, and he had gone too had he not been a little flustred, and then a sleep. After they were gone several thoughts possest my mind of what these two youngest persons should be; and it was long ere I could hit upon the right, but having one person in the house, with whom I was more intimate than the rest, I resolved to use my utmost interest with him to be satisfyed: he in few hours awaked, and would have been gone after his companions; but I so far prevailed with him, that he lay there that night; and because I would have the better opportunity for my discourse, I lay with him; when we were in Bed, I told him, that I could heartily wish I could accommodate him with a female Bedfellow; he replyed, _that would do very well_; I offered my assistance in procuring the best of our Country, but he was cold in his reply; whereupon I told him, that by that time he had been so long in the Country as I had, he would be glad of one of those whom I sometimes made a shift to spend a night with: but continued I, I had rather be at Mother _Cr----_ in _Moorfields_: Are you acquainted there, replyed my Bedfellow, yes, said I, and at most of those houses of hospitality in or about _London_, to which Colledges I was a good Benefactor; why, said my Bedfellow, you have bin right; or else I had never come hither, said I: whereupon I acquainted him with many of my rambles about _London_, and gave him such satisfaction in my discourse that he began to be more free with me; and then I conjured him to deal truly with me in resolving me one question, to which he promised me, that he would: I having gained thus much upon him, told him that my request was to know what those two young persons were, which were called _William_ and _George_: truly said he, you could not have asked me any thing that I should be more unwilling to discover than that; but since I have promised you I will tell you, and that the truth without any disguise, provided, you swear to me, not to discover or take any notice thereof without my consent, to this I agreed, and having sworn to him, he told me, that they were not of those names, nor sex, that they went for, but Women. I told him I had long since doubted so much, and now I knew it, I would take no notice thereof, but rather assist than hinder any design wherein there was so much pleasure, for I had bin as very a wag as any of them, and had in my time run through as many and various adventures as any man of my age; he hearing me say so, asked me where I had lived, and the most part of my life: I without any dissembling, gave him a short account of my life, which so pleased him, that we spent most part of the night therein, and at my earnest request he promised me that the next day, he would give me an account of his life, and adventures, wherein said he, you will find so many different chances of fortune, as had hardly befallen any man, and I hope said he, I shall be able to give you a good account thereof: for since my coming from _England_, I have had time to recollect my self, of some things that else I had forgotten, but now I have placed the chief passages of my life into such a Method, as I shall be very exact in; though I was impatient to hear what he promised me, yet the night being far spent, sleep seized on us both for some hours, but awaking in the morning, and putting him in mind of his promise, after a mornings draught taken, and a command that none should interrupt us, he began as follows.

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CHAP. IV.

_The Traveller describeth the place of his birth and Parents, the death
of his elder Brother, and how through the perswasion of his Father; he
resolved to follow thieving._

I was born in _Goldin-Lane_, a place scituate in the Suburbs of _London_, my Fathers name was _Isaac_, and by reason of his small stature was commonly called little _Isaac_, being a native of the same place, and by profession a Cobler; but such was his courage that he was much troubled when any one called him Cobler; and would reply, that he was a Translator, or a Transmographer of shooes. His Wife, who I believe was my Mother, was named _Ursula_; she was in the beginning of her dayes one of those sort of people that we call _Gipsies_, or _Canting-Beggars_, and my Father travelling into the Country, and wanting money to pay for a bed at night, he was forced to take up his lodging in a barn, where he first came to be acquainted with my Mother; whether they were ever married or no, I cannot tell, though I suppose they only took each others words, as being willing to save the charge of a Priests-hire. But notwithstanding the darkness of her complexion (as those sort of people commonly have,) there is not so bad a Jill, but there is as bad a Jack, for it was not long before she hornifid my Father by a Banbury Tinker: which thing was so well known amongst the neighbors, that they would commonly make horns with their fingers, and point at him as he passed along the streets. My eldest brother at seven years of age attained to such ingenuity that he seldom carried home any mended shooes to a Gentlemans or Citizens house, but he would filch either linnen, silver-spoons, or something else of worth, which by negligent servants was not laid up safely; which trade he drave for some space of time, being by reason of his childish years not in the least suspected, but the pitcher goes not so often to the well, but at length it comes broken home: In processe of time he was taken with the theft, and for the same carried to _Newgate_, where poor little Angel (peace be with him) he dyed in prison, under the pennance of a discipline which was applied to him with a little too much rigour.

Our whole family smarted in his punishment, my father sighed, my mother sobbed, and I wanted my part of those dainty morsels, which his theft furnished us withall, for by him my father drave a pretty trade; having those who always furnished him with ready money for whatsoever he brought, and indeed his loss would have utterly disconsolated my father, but the great hopes that he had in mee, who was now come to the same age that my brother was of when he first began to exercise his gifts in the mystery of theivery; and that I might tread the same steps that my brother had done before me, my father (upon a certain day, when my mother and he and I were alone by our selves) began thus for to endoctrinate me.

My son (said he) the profession of a thief is not of so base repute as the world gives it out, considering what brave men have in former times exercised themselves in this way: I have heard the Clerk of our parish say, who I assure you was a well read man, that _Robin Hood_ that famous thief was in his yonger dayes Earl of _Huntingdon_; and that _Alexander the Great_ was no better then a thief in robbing other Princes of their Kingdoms and Crowns. (_This it seems he spake in vindication of the Sexton, who used to rob the dead corps of their sheets and shirts, and those other necessaries which they carried along with them in their voyage to heaven._) I tell thee he who steales not, knows not how to live in this world, nay doth not almost each thing in the world teach us for to steal? doe we not see youth steal upon infancy, manhood steale upon youth, and old age upon manhood, until at last death stealeth upon us undiscern’d and bringeth us to our long homes: How doth summer steal on the spring, autumn on summer, and winter on autumn, untill all the whole year is stole out of our sight. Pray what doe rich Farmers and griping Cormorants, but steal when they exact in their prices of corn, and grind the faces of the poor; and how can shop-keepers wipe off the aspersion of theft from themselves when they sell a commodity for twice the worth of it, and thereby cozen the buyer; so that we see if things be rightly scanned, there be more thieves in the world than only Taylors, Millers, and Weavers. And what I pray you makes Serjants, Bayliffs, and Catchpoles so to envy us, and persecute us as they doe, but that one trade still envies and malignes another; and would by their good wills suffer no other theives but themselves; this it is that makes them so double diligent in the surprizal of us, though oftentimes our craft forestals their malice, as I shall instance to you in one memorable example.

My self and two of my comrades had agreed to rob a rich Usurer, whose younger brother having vitiously wasted his estate, was forced to take this his brothers house for sanctuary, where he kept as close as a snail in his shell, unless only at such times when as he imagined the darkness of the night might shrewd him in obscurity, he so dreaded these shoulder clappers, who stick closer to a man than a bur on his cloak, for being once got into their clutches, you may as soon wring _Hercules_ club out of his fist, as get free from their fingers; and herein have thieves a great priviledge over debters, for the most notorious thief that ever was, once in a months time he is carted out of prison, as others for smaller matters are freed from durance by following the cart, where a fellow with a catt of nine tayles doth play him such a lesson, as makes him to skip and mount for joy of his deliverance; but with a poor debter the case is far different, for being once in prison, the best teame of Horses that ever drew in a waggon, cannot draw him out from thence without a silver hook.

But to speak of that (some) which more properly belongs unto thee (for I suppose thou wilt never attain to such credit as for to be laid up in prison for debt,) by the help of a servant of the house, who went sharers with us in our prey, we got a false key made to the back door, whereby (one night) we attained an easie entrance, and loaded our selves, to our hearts content; but in our return one of our companions chanced to sneeze, and therewithal brake wind so violently behind, that it waked the old usurer, who suspitious of the least noise presently cryed out _Thieves, thieves_: _Trusty Roger_ his man was very ready to rise at first allarm, fearing that our discovery might prove prejudicial to his liberty, and lighting a candle, pretended to search every hole in the house, into which it was possible for a mouse to enter; In the meane time we lay close, yet not, unperceived by this false servant, who very formally told his Master that all was safe and well, and that he might take his rest without any fear; But the dread of his hearing us prolonged our stay, so long, that day began to approach, whereupon fearing more danger from without than from within, we prepared for our departure, but having opened the door, we found that we had leapt out of the frying pan into the fire, and by shunning _Scylla_ were fallen into _Charibdis_, for four of these Catchpoles were waiting at the door for the Usurers brother, having intelligence belike that he used to make the dusky morning and dark evening the two shrowds that carried him safely out and into his Brothers house; Now I going out of the door first, one of these robustious fellows laid hands upon me, taking me for the party they waited for, my two companions endeavouring to rescue me were seized on by the other three Baylifs, so that we seeing no hopes of escape, resolved to cry whore first, and with full mouth cryed out _Thieves, thieves_; _Trusty Roger_ and the man that should have been arrested, hearing this cry, took weapons in their hands, and out of doors they came, where _Roger_ soon perceiving how the business went _ah you Rogues_ (said he) _doe you come to rob my Master_? and thereupon laid so nimbly about him, being seconded by the other, that the Bailiffs were glad to let us go to defend themselves. Whilest they were thus busied in pelting each other, we slipped away with our prize, and to take a full revenge of those Catch-poles, raised several of the neighbors, whom we sent to the apprehending of the Bayliffs, whilest we marched away in safety; what became of them afterwards I doe not know, onely this I tell thee, to let thee see that there is not any danger whatsoever so great, but by wit and cunningness may be avoided. This story I heard with great attention which so wrought upon my mind that I thought my self no less than a second _Robin Hood_ or little _John_, and thereupon resolved to put in speedy execution my fathers dictates which yet proved very unfortunate to me, as you will finde by that which follows.

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CHAP. V.

_His robbing of Orchards, how he was cachett by a Night-spell; the
extremity their family was brought unto, and how to relieve it, he
robbed a Grocer._

My mind being thus fully fixt to follow thieving, I began my trade in robbing of Orchards, returning home with laden thighs, the trophies, and spoils of Cherry-trees, Pear-trees, and Plum-trees. My mother instead of correcting me for what I had done, encouraged me to proceed on as I had begun; for indeed hunger had pinched us sorely ever since my brothers death, my fathers credit being so eclipsed thereby, that until people saw he would mend his life, scarce any one would employ him to mend their shoes. One Orchard I especially haunted it being stor’d with most gallant fruit, whose very looks me thought did cry, _Come eat me_: but so often I frequented the same, especially one tree of more choice fruit than all the rest, that the owner of the Orchard (being a rich miserable chuff, and one who knew on which side his bread was butter’d) began to mistrust the same, and therefore that his apples might not depart away without first taking leave of him, he resolved for the future to prevent the same, and having some little skill in negromancy, against my next coming he inchanted his Orchard with a Night-spel.

This he placed at the four corners of his Orchard, in the hour of _Mars_, and is of such force being rightly applyed, that who ever comes within the bounds thereof, must be forced to stay there till Sun-rising. Now I that knew not any thing of what was done, according to my accustomed course, having the dark night for my coverture, boldly enter’d the Orchard, with winged haste ascended upon one of the trees, where having filled a bag with Apples which my mother had furnished me withal for that purpose, I thought to depart away as formerly I had done, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; for I found my self in such a Labyrinth that the best clue of my invention could not winde me out; Here did I wander about with my bag on my shoulders (having not the power in the least to lay it down) till such time as _Aurora_ begun to usher in the day, when the old chuff enter’d the Orchard to see what fish his net had caught, resolving with severity to punish the _Caitifs_ that had stoln away his goods, but in stead of a Gudgeon finding but a sprat, beholding my Childish years, he could not imagine me to be the Author of so much wrong as he had received; and thereupon altering his resolution of breaking arms and leggs as he first intended, he stepped back to his house & fetched from thence a great burchin rod, the instrument wherewith he intended to chastise me withal, with much silence he approached unto me; (for a words speaking would dissolve the charm) and having with some strugling untrust my Breeches, laying me over his knee, he began to exercise the office of a Pedagogue upon me; now I having for some space of time before eaten nothing but green fruit, had gotten a terrible looseness, which with the fright that I was in, and the smart that I felt, wrought such effects in my belly, that opening my posteriors, I discharged a whole volley of excrements in his face. This action of mine made him at once to shut his eyes, open his mouth, and unloose his hands, so that the charm being broken, and my body at liberty, I quickly conveyed my self out of the Orchard, leaving the old catterpillar in a very stinking condition, not to be remedied without the benefit of that cleansing element of water.

Warned by this disaster, I was very fearful to enter into any more Orchards, and indeed had I met no Remora in my proceedings, yet this trade would soon have failed, for not long after the Apples were all transplated out of the Orchard into the Cellar, and winter began to hasten on apace. And now hunger which will not be treated withal without bread, began to reign Lord and King in our family; the Chandler would let us have no more cheese for chalk, nor peny loaves for round O’s, we had made a black poast white already with our score, and his belief would extend no further to trust us for any more: nay the very Ale-house-keeper (to whom we were such constant customers) was now grown such a Nullifidian, that he would not believe us for small-beer, wherefore we were forced to make a vertue of necessity, and to prevent starving, our houshold goods marched away one after another; the first thing that we sold was the Cup-board as the most unnecessary thing in all the house, having no victuals to put therein; soon after followed the Table as an appendix to it, for seeing the Table will hold no victuals thereon for us to eat, we in revenge thereof did eat up the Table; That (with some joynt-stools belonging to it) being devoured and gone, our stomacks were so hot that it soon melted away the pewter dishes; for we considered with our selves that good meat might be eaten out of wooden platters; then followed the napkins and table-cloaths, for we were not so much cloyed with fat meat but that a little linnen would serve to wipe the greace off of our fingers; in fine this pinching hunger was the _Habeas corpus_ that removed all our goods out of the House unto the Brokers, and now our dwelling place corresponded with our bellies, being alike both empty.

In this comfortless condition we remained for the space of three days, having neither money nor any thing to make money of; being thus sadly necessitated, my father and I set our witts upon the Tenter-hooks which way to recruit our decayed estate, many inventions we had for that purpose, and present necessity urged us to make a speedy use of one of them, which not long after we brought to pass in this manner.

It being then winter time, the Evenings long and dark, we bought a Link for three pence, the remainder of our whole estate; with this about ten of the clock in the night we marched out, resolving to fasten on the fairest opportunity that should present its self to our sight; many streets we traversed, but found not any thing that might answer either our intent or expectation. Coming at last to _Basing-lane_, and casting our wandring eyes into a Shop, we there espyed a Grocer telling of money on a Counter, being lighted only by a single candle; this made for our purpose, whereupon my father planting himself, I boldly entered the Shop, desiring him to give me leave to light my Link; which being granted, I with the same soon popt out his Candle, snatching up a handful of mony, ran out of the doors with the same as fast as I could; the Grocer hasted after me amain, in the mean time my father stept into the shop, and took away the remainder of the mony. My nimbleness had soon out stripped the Grocer, who returned back, and found that the Devil might dance upon his Counter, for there was never a cross to keep him from it. About an hour after we met together at home, where having counted our purchase, we found it amounted to seven pounds eighteen shillings and six pence. So long as this mony lasted, the pot, the spit, and pitcher was never idle; but what was thus got over the Devils back was soon spent under his belly, and in a short time we were reduced to as great want as we were in before.

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CHAP. VI.

_He cheateth a Cutler, afterwards robbeth a bacon man, his father is
prest away for a Soldier, his mother dyeth, and he being left alone
goeth to live with an uncle, where he acteth many Rogueries._

Necessity is the best whetstone to sharpen the edge of a mans invention, when the gutts begin to grumble against the belly for want of food, oh in what a confusion is then this little microcosme of ours? how is the invention rack’d, tortur’d and stretched forth to supply that defect, my hungry belly found this to be too true, which made me set my wits on work for a speedy remedy; a project quickly came into my head, but to effect the same I wanted mony; this was a double task for me to doe, but a willing minde overcomes all difficulties; away went I to a Cutlers, where in the cheapning of one knife, I stole another, and lest the Cutler should mistrust me, I came up to his price, but pretended I had forgotten my mony, and therefore must goe home and fetch it. This stoln knife I sold for a groat, which money I intended for a bait to catch a bigger fish; some few streets I traversed before my project would fasten, at last coming to _Warwick Lane_ I saw in a Bacon-shop a fellow standing in a pocket blew-apron whose innocent looks gave me confident hopes of a golden prize; in I went and asked him the price of a pound of bacon, six pence boy said he of the rib, and four pence of the gammon; then give me a pound of the gammon (said I) and here is a groat the whole estate of a poor boy who hath been a long time in getting the same. Whilest he was weighing it I told him I had a curst mother in law, who fed me only with a bit and a knock, which made me to go with an empty belly and a heart full of sorrow; that if shee should know I were in possession of so eatable a commodity, she would take it from me, and that she did often search my pocket for that purpose: I therefore desired him to prevent the worst that might happen, to put the same down my back betwixt my doublet and shirt, which whilst he was doing, I leaning my head against him, with a short knife cut the pocket out of his apron, and having thanked him very kindly, away I went, leaving my poor Bacon-man with a bottomless pennyless pocket.

My purchased prize was about thirty shillings, of which some four of it was in brass farthings; but all was currant coyn that came into my hands, for I made no scruple at all in the receiving it; with this I returned home, thinking to be received with much joy, as having gotten that in my pocket which would make us all merry, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; my mother was on a sudden fallen sick, my father pressed for a soldier, & hurried away. This much abated the edge of my mirth, but my years not being capable of much sorrow, although my Mothers death ensued not long after, yet it was soon over, and indeed her outward condition was so deplorable, it had been almost impiety to have wished her longer life.

Now though my condition was bad enough before, yet by my Mothers death it was much worse; I was now left to the wide world, friendless, monyless, and pittyless, for not any one of the neighbors would give me entertainment, expecting no good fruit from the loyns of such a bad stock. To follow my trade of theiving I began to dread, for every line, rope, & halter that I saw, methoughts did admonish me to leave it off, for fear I came home short at last, and to follow the occupation of begging was then a very bad time to begin in, it being about the depth of winter: at last I remembred my Mother had a brother, a Barber-Chyrurgion, living in St. _Martins_; thither I went, acquainted him with his sisters death, my own sad condition, and what a boy I would prove if it would please him to give me entertainment; he being ignorant of the trade that I drove, and moved with compassion at my pittiful tale, told me if I performed what I promised, I should not want for any thing he could assist me in: hereupon I was had into the house, and though my Aunt scowled on me, my Uncle commanded my rags to be taken off, and a suit of one of my Cousins put upon me, as being the more durable, although my own were a thousand strong.

Having thus with the snake cast my skin, and attained to good diet and lodging, I quickly began to be as brisk as a body-Lowse, and to vapour amongst the boys like a Crow in a Gutter; and (notwithstanding my promise) my mind was now wholly fixt upon Roguery, but in a lower orb than what I practised before, tending rather to mirth then much mischief; to doe this I had several inventions, according as time and place were convenient; one of my first exployts was, that being sent of an errand to a Grocers shop in a frosty morning, where was a pan of coals to warm their fingers, I secretly conveyed therein some Guinney peper, which set the Prentices in such a violent coughing fit that they were not able to speak to a Customer; their Mistress hearing this noise below, came running down staires, where senting the matter, she began to speak aloud at both ends, and being something laxative by drinking of Sider, she bewrayed in what a condition she was in by what was scattered on the floar.

Sometimes would I in a clean place where wenches were to pass, lay a train of Gun-powder; and at the very instant that they went along, set fire to it, which was a great pleasure to my Worship to see how the poor Girles would skip and leap, just like a horse when he hath a nettle under his tayle. At other times in the night would I tye a line from one side of the street to the other about half a foot high, whereby those that came next were sure to have a fall; nay I could not forbear to act my Rogueries in the Church it self, having a Goose-quill filled with lice and fleas, which I would purchase of the Beggars for broken meat; these would I blow into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that I could see. At other times would I with a needle and thread (which I always carried about with me in my pocket) sow mens cloaks and womens Gowns together as they stood in the Crowd, so that when they went away, there would be such pulling of one another, that they would never leave until one of their Garments had a piece of it rent out.

Amongst other instruments of mischief wherewith I exercised my self, one was a hallow trunck to shoot with, in which I was such an artist that I seldome mist hitting the mark I aimed at; and that I might be the better undiscovered I on purpose brake a hole in the glass-window, through which I used to shoot at my pleasure, scarce could an oyster-wench or Kitching-stuff wench pass by, but I would hit her on the neck, hands, or some naked place, which would set her a rayling and scolding for a quarter of an hour together at she knew not whom. One Monday morning a shoo-makers maid had been fetching a great pitcher of beer for the Crispins to begin their weeks work withall; now as she sayled along with the pitcher in her hand, which with the weight thereof drew her quite a one side, to prevent the wenches growing crooked thereby, I levell’d so right that I hit her on the fingers, so that down came the pitcher, and with the weight thereof brake all in pieces, and spilt the good liquor; the poor wench cryed pittyfully, the Crispins stormed for loosing their mornings draughts, and being informed it was I that did it, they vowed to be revenged on me, which not long after they brought to pass.

For I that could not live without Roguery no more then a fish without water, still continued my trade notwithstanding all their threats. One day whilest I was watching for my prey, thorow the hole of the glass-window aforesaid, there came by a man with a basket of drinking-glasses on his head; scarce was he past me, when I saluted him with a dirt-bullet on the Calf of his leg, which made him give such a leap, that down came the basket with the glasses clattering upon the stones, making such a murther amongst them, that never was a Citizen (though he owed ten thousand pound more then he was worth) so much broken as they. The fellow seeing his glasses thus mortified, cursed most bitterly, breathing forth nothing but revenge, if he did but know who it was that did it. I who was conscious of my own guilt, hearing him so to thunder, thought some of his anger might lighten on me, and therefore to prevent the worst, I ran up the stairs, and hid my self under the bed; but he that hath a bad name is worse then half hang’d, the shoomakers who I had mischiefed before, right or wrong, said positively that it was I, urging him on to revenge hiself on my Uncles glass-windows; the fellow who was easily induced to believe what they said, and to act accordingly, made no more adoe but up with his empty basket, and to revenge his quarrel made such havock of the windows, that there was scarcely ever a quarrel left. O how did my Uncle look, and my Aunt scold to see their house thus metamorphosed into the shape of a Bawdy-house; but it was in vain for them to complain, every one took the mans part, and laid all the blame of the mischief upon me; hereupon was a privy search made all the house over for me, and being found my poor buttocks paid full dearly for the breaking of the windows, my Aunt standing by all the while to see execution done upon me, and urging my Uncle on to beat me, for which I cursed her in my heart most bitterly.

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CHAP. VII.

_He discovers his Aunts playing loose with a Shopkeeper, his Vncles
invective against women._

My Aunts unkindness to me vexed me to the heart, so that I vowed to my self to be revenged on her; the print of the rod did not stick so fast on my buttocks as the remembrance of her words did stick in my minde; I was not so watched by _Argus_ as I watched her, for I knew that women were subject to many faults, and my Aunt as subject as any of the rest; One Shopkeeper used constantly to haunt our house, not a day passed in which we had not his company; This man my uncle entertained with very much respect, for what reason I know not, unless it were that of the Poets.

_Experience plainly doth unto us shew,
Cuckolds are kind to them that make them so._

One day my Uncle went forth to dress a patient, no sooner was he gone but the Shopkeeper was there; Now our whole family consisted only of four persons, my Uncle and Aunt, a maid and my self; in order therefore for their more privacy, the maid was sent to the market to buy eggs, and my self had liberty to go forth to play; I kindely thanked my Aunt for this courtesie, and taking my hatt, with a seeming forwardness pretended to go forth: but clapping to the door on the in side, I softly sneaked back and hid my self under the staires, where undiscerned I could plainly see all the passages between my Aunt and the Shopkeeper. He thinking us gone, took my Aunt by the hand, and clasping his arm about her neck, fell to kissing her with as much eagerness as a hungry dog snatcheth at a bone; no doubt but her lips were very sweet, for he was still hanging at them as if he had taken a lease of them for three lives; at last my Aunt began to struggle (I suppose for want of breath) and opening her mouth (which I wisht a hundred times had been closed eternally) she thus said to him: _No pish, why do you thus trifle? now that the Coast is clear, let us take time by the for-lock lest we be prevented of our design: in sooth you are so long about the prologue, as may chance to marr the Comedy; make not such a long stop at the porch, but enter loves Cittadel, and ransack all her treasures_, and so giving him a short kiss, hand in hand up stairs they went. No sooner were they gone, but I slipt out of my peeping hole, and coming to the door at the stairs foot, softly locked the same, and putting the key in my pocket, with as little noyse conveyed my self out of the house.

Thus whilest they were playing their game, I resolved to play mine, and hiring a Porter, sent him to my Uncle, to certifie him that my Aunt was swounded away, and laid upon the bed in such a condition as would grieve him to the heart to behold it, desiring him to make all the haste home that possibly he could; and having given him his message, I stept aside to a neighbors house to observe (when my uncle came home) how the project would take.

The Porter quickly dispatched his errand, and my Uncle suddenly posted home, where entering the house and finding not any one within, he began first to call for the maid, then for me, and last of all for my Aunt; but receiving no answer, he attempted to go up stairs, when the locksmiths daughter denyed him entrance. The two Lovers (who by this time had verified the saying to be true, that a man may be made a Cuckold in the short time of going to a neighbors house, as well as going a voyage to the _West-Indies_) hearing my Uncle below, were almost distracted with this surprize; my Aunt dreaded my Uncles anger, knowing him to be of a very chollerick disposition; and the poor Shopkeeper feared to be served as the Country Clown served the Curate whom he took in bed with his wife, and whom he thus menaced.

_Make me a Cuckold, reading Rogue:
No pulpit serve but Susan’s,
Must Susan’s smock your pulpit be?
Ile take away that Nusance.
And though Priest wept, and wife did beg,
Churl slighted words and tears,
And at one gash from Curate took
Musquet and Bandaliers._

This feare of loosing his generals made him to shake worse than if he had had a Tertian ague, and therefore to prevent it he crept underneath the bed, whilest my Aunt went down stairs intending to smother up all with a dissembling kiss; but when she saw the door was fast, and my uncle asked her why she locked it? she could not tell what answer to make at present; but being well principled in the mysteries of _Venus_, she soon recollected her self, and with a sorrowfull voice (as if she had been sick of a feaver for a fortnight together) she pewled out these words: _Ah dear Husband_ (said she) _I was lately taken with such a great swimming in my head, as not able to sit up longer, I was forced to go up stairs and lie down upon the bed; in the mean time I suppose your unhappy kinsman (who minds nothing but mischief) hath in revenge of me for causing him to be beaten, locked the door, and thrown away the key_. Whilest she was thus exclaiming on me, I came in puffing and blowing as seeming quite orewearied with play, and as if ignorant of what had hapned, asked very earnestly what was the matter? My Aunt though she were mue’d up like a hawk, yet hearing my tongue, could not forbear to vend her spleen against me in these words: _You impudent young Rogue_ (said she) _doe you act mischief and then plead ignorance? O that I were but well for thy sake, I would make every limb of thee feel the weight of my displeasure_, concluding her invective with as horrid a yelling as an old woman grown hoars with crying of Sprats, or as a company of dogs when they bark at the Moon.

My Uncle who was of the same nature that other Cuckolds are commonly of, to believe whatsoever their Wife doe say unto them, hearing her so positively to affirm it was I that did it, he began presently to ransack my pockets for the key, protesting if he found the same about me, he would make me an example of his severity. But I who always dreaded what might ensue, to prevent such after claps, had before bestowed the same in a house of office. No sooner had my Uncle examined my pockets, (where was not any thing to be found that might do me a prejudice,) but I began to enveigh against my Aunts malice in blaming my innocency, and to perswade him it could be no other then some thief, who whilest my Aunt slept, having locked the door, had hid himself in one of the Chambers. This though it carried but little show of probability in it, yet the fear of loosing his Mammon made him believe any thing, and therefore presently sent me for a Smith to break open the door, which being done, we all three ascended the stairs to search for his hidden Thief, although my Aunt vehemently urged the contrary, alleadging it was impossible that any one should go up the stairs but she must needs hear them; how ever my uncle would not be so pacified, but searching about, he at last spyed the poor Shopkeeper as he lay shaking underneath the bed half dead with fear. But when he saw who it was, turning to my Aunt he said, _You impudent whore, do you abuse me thus? you could feign sickness with a pox to you, when you were so rampant as to Cornute me in my absence: is this your pretended chastity and reservation? I shall take a time when to be even with you; In the mean time Master Shopkeeper_ (said he) _I will have my pennyworths out of you_, and thereupon falling on him with his fists, (anger giving him at once both strength and courage) he so buffeted the Shopkeeper, that had not the Smith interposed, I suppose he would go near to have killed him; but after an hundred or above of blows, the Smith stepped in betwixt them, giving the Shopkeeper liberty to run away, bearing along with him the marks of my Uncles anger, which he wore as badges in his face for a long time after.

My Aunt seeing how bad the Shopkeeper had sped, and knowing the business too apparent to be denied, fell down on her knees, desiring my Uncle to pardon her for what was past, and protesting amendment for the time to come; this her humiliation much mollified the edge of my Uncles anger, who in stead of beating her (which I heartily wished) fell a railing on the whole sex of women in general, in these or the like words.

O Nature! why didst thou create such a plague for men as women; how happy were men had they never been; oh why could not Nature infuse the gift of procreation in men alone without the help of women? then should we never be acquainted with the deceitful devices of those Devils, Harpies, Cockatrices, the very Curse of man, dissembling monsters, only patcht up to cozen and gull men; borrowing their Hair from one, Complexions from another, nothing of their own that’s pleasing, all dissembled, not so much as their very breath is sophisticated with Amber pellets and kissing causes, and all to train poor man unto his ruine. A woman shee’s an Angel at ten, a Saint at fifteen, a Devil at forty, and a Witch at fourscore, so stufft with vice as leaves no place for vertue to inhabit; of such crooked conditions, and corrupt actions, that if all the world were paper, the Sea inke, trees and plants, penns, and all men Clerks, Scribes, and Notaries, yet would all that paper be scribled over, the inke wasted, penns worn to the stumps, and all the Scriveners weary, before they could describe the hundredth part of a womans wickedness, so that I may very well conclude with the Poet.

_There is not one good woman to be found;
And if one were, she merits to be crown’d._

This my Uncles invective puts me in mind of a story which I have heard since, concerning the scarcity of good women, that above five hundred years agone, there was a great sickness almost throughout the whole world, wherein there dyed forty four millions, eight hundred seventy two thousand, six hundred and eighty three good women, and of bad women only two hundred and fourteen; by reason whereof there hath been such a scarcity of good women ever since, the whole breed of them being then almost utterly extinct.

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CHAP. VIII.

_His Aunt and the maid joyn together, and by a blinde wager make him to
be laughed and hooted at by the boyes; he is soundly revenged on them
both for the same._

Never was Prentice more subject to a Master then my Aunt was to my Uncle, after the discovery of her leachery; his desires were commands, and those commands laws which were by her put in speedy execution, if he bid her go, she would run; doe that, it was no sooner said then done, but the greatest miracle of all was, that if she were never so busy in talking, yet if he said but _peace_, she would suddenly hold her tounge, which before used to be in perpetual motion, and was as hard to be stopped as a stream when it hath overflowne its banks, or the sails of a mill when the wind blows in its greatest violence, so that a serene sky seemed to have succeeded that storm that all things were pacified, and that my Uncle had contentedly put his horns in his pocket.

But though she carried fair weather in her countenance, she had storms of revenge in her heart towards me; for she did more than conjecture that it was I which had caused her all this mischief; and therefore since she durst not vend her spleen upon me her self, she used the help of her Maid, who brought the same to pass after this manner.

One evening (my uncle being abroad) whilest she, the maid and I were sitting alone by the fire, after some other discourse, the maid profer’d to lay a wager with me that I could not blindfolded with my tongue lick forth a six pence from betwixt her breasts, this I thought so easy a thing to do, that I willingly laid a shilling with her on the same, and presently accorded for to be blinded: which whilest she was doing, my Aunt (as it was before agreed) stepped forth of doors, and called in a Boy who was to act their design, as also some of the neighbours to be spectators of this my folly. Now in stead of the Maids brest, the Boyes Hose were put down, and his naked breech exposed to be the object for me to lick, which I greedily persued: but presently hearing a gigling, and senting a ranck smell, I soon desisted, as being very apprehensive what the matter was. But when I was unblinded, and beholding my shame before my eyes, I hung down my head and look't like a dog that had stole a pudding, much blaming my credulity, and bitterly cursing the great cause of that their jollity.

For a long time after I could not walk the streets, I was so laughed and hooted at by the Boyes, my Aunt and the Maid having spread the same abroad in every place, flesh and blood could not endure this, to see my enemies triumph in my shame, so that nothing now ran in my mind but revenge, the very thought of mischief was more sweet unto me than Muscadine and Eggs, and soon I thought upon a way for to do it. One of our neighbours who beared a little love to my Aunt, as she did to me, or loyalty to my Uncle, having a burning glass, I imparted my project unto him, who applauding my invention, willingly lent me the same; thus fitted with an instrument, I soon found out an opportunity to work my revenge. My Aunt being extreamly proud, used to wear Lawn Ruffs of a great value. One Sun-shiney day, sitting in the Shop a sowing with her back towards me, I took the burning-glass, and by attracting the Sun-beams set her Ruffs on a flame about her neck, which made her to shreik and bellow most hiddeously; whereupon I started up, and as if affrighted snatched up a payl of dirty water away from the Maid wherewith she was washing the Kitchin, and poured the same on my Aunts head; this though it made her to look like a Bawd that was newly alighted from the Cart wherein she had ridden for the sin of leachery, did she take as a great courtesie at my hands, having thereby extinguisht the fire wherein otherwise she might (she said) have perisht; not in the least judging it was I that did it, but imputing it as a just Judgment upon her for her intollerable pride, and vowing thereafter to be more humble in her carriage, and loving unto me.