Chapter XXX: Many Ways of Drinking Champagne

"Come, Alfred! some champagne--right away! I want some champagne--and I want it frappe."

"Here it is, my siren; it's behind us, cooking in the ice.--Ah! now is the time when Monsieur de Roncherolle is going to teach us a lot of pretty things.--Jericourt, monsieur knows thirty-three ways of drinking a glass of champagne!"

"Monsieur is quite capable of it."

"For my experiments," said Roncherolle, "I must have cups, not goblets."

"Here are some; I ordered two kinds of glasses."

"I fill my glass--this is the first way; attention!"

Roncherolle coolly emptied his glass and said:

"First of all, there's that way--to drink as everybody else does."

"Oh! I know that."

"It's lucky that you know one," said Zizi; "otherwise it might be thought that you had to be driven to water."

"Let us go on to the second way."

"You will allow me to eat a little sweetbread first?"

"That is only fair."

"Otherwise," sneered Jericourt, "one might think that you invited monsieur to dinner for the sole purpose of learning to drink."

"And if that were so," rejoined Roncherolle, "I should not bear my neighbor a grudge; that would prove that I am still good for something, and one so often entertains people who are good for nothing!"

"The second way, my dear fellow, the second way!" said Zizi, with a playful tap on Roncherolle's cheek.

"At your service, _belle dame_.--Look--this glass is full; I put it on this plate, and the point is to drain it without touching it with the hands or spilling a drop."

"Oh! that must be extremely difficult--I will go farther and say that it seems to me impossible," said Saint-Arthur.

"Not at all--look."

Roncherolle took the plate on which the glass stood, lifted it, put the glass to his lips, then tipped it toward his mouth, still holding it steady with the plate, and swallowed all it contained.

"Ah! charming, delightful!" cried Alfred.

"I have seen that done before, but I had forgotten it," said Zizi; "wait; I believe that I can do it."

The young actress did exactly as Roncherolle had done, and succeeded perfectly.

"It's your turn, Jericourt."

"Do that! why that's the ass's bridge!" replied the man of letters, with a shrug.

"Well, do it then."

"No, I didn't come to dinner to play tricks."

"That's a pity," said Roncherolle, "for I am sure that monsieur must know some that we do not."

"In that case," said Saint-Arthur, filling a glass to the brim with champagne and putting it on a plate, "it's my turn; now that I have seen the thing done twice, I don't see why I shouldn't do it too; I am no more of a fool than other people."

"That's too bad, my dear; if you were, it would be a way of attracting attention!"

"Hush, Zizi! don't say nasty things, but watch; I am going to begin."

The pretty youth succeeded in raising the glass to his lips, but just as he was about to drink, he lifted the plate too high, and all the contents of the glass fell on his shirt and his cravat. Alfred cried aloud in dismay, while his three guests roared with laughter, that incident having restored Jericourt's good humor.

"_Sapristi!_ I am done for. I was on the edge of success, for I certainly should have drunk it all without spilling a drop."

"But you didn't spill a drop," said Roncherolle; "the whole business went."

"I am wet through, my shirt is drenched and my cravat; what shall I do? I can't show myself in this condition."

"Well then, don't show yourself, my friend, keep out of sight. At all events, it will be dark when you leave here, and you'll only need to button your coat military fashion; that will give you the air of a hero, it will change you completely."

"But I am all wet, I am----"

"Nonsense! take a napkin and wipe yourself, and above all things don't be sulky; we came here to enjoy ourselves, and you still have to learn thirty-one ways of drinking champagne."

Saint-Arthur made no reply; he stuffed three napkins into his bosom and began to eat again.

"Deuce take it! my dear man," said Jericourt, drinking his wine slowly, "that is what comes of trying to learn original things in order to make yourself agreeable in society; you don't always succeed."

"In fact, there are some people who never succeed," observed Roncherolle.

"I request a suspension of the lessons in drinking champagne," said Alfred; "I must dry myself before attempting anything else."

"We consent," said Zizi, "on condition that it is not to interfere with our drinking."

"It seems to me that you are doing very well," said Jericourt; "you will be rather gay in your play to-night!"

"So much the better! The play lacks gayety, and I shall do well to impart a little to it."

"I came near acting once," said the host, still sponging himself. "Do you remember, Jericourt, that place in the country you took me to some weeks ago--at Nogent-sur-Marne?"

"Yes, it was very amusing."

"There was one thing that I didn't call amusing, and that was being obliged to escort that lady back to Paris--an ex-pretty woman."

"Why were you such a fool as to tell her that we had a coupe waiting? She instantly caught the ball on the bound and asked us to give her a little room in our carriage."

"Little was hardly the word; that lady may have been thin once, but she isn't now."

"Ah! I never heard of this lady that you brought home!" cried the young actress, with an American glance at her lover. "That has rather a crooked look!"

"Oh! really, my diva, when I tell you that she was on the decline!"

"It seems to me that you too were on the decline--with her."

"However, she was a woman of great distinction, a baroness!"

"Listen to that! monsieur must have baronesses now!"

"The Baronne de--de Grangeville--that's the name."

"De Grangeville?" said Roncherolle, who, on hearing that name, replaced on the table the glass that he was about to put to his lips. "Did you say that the lady you brought home was the Baronne de Grangeville?"

"Yes, my dear neighbor; do you know her?"

"No--that is to say, her name recalled a person whom I used to know."

Roncherolle had become thoughtful; Zizi tapped him on the knee, saying:

"Well, well, tell us what you're dreaming about, my Knight of the Round Table? Is that baroness's name going to spoil your spirits? I don't propose to have that! Don't let me hear any more of your great ladies; I call for a third way of drinking champagne."

"Here! present!" said Roncherolle, resuming his playful air. "See, my dear girl, here is a third way: we put the glass on the plate like this just now, didn't we? Well, now we are going to stand this second glass on the first one; that is easy enough; but then we fill the glass that is on top, and drink the contents by lifting the plate as we did just now, without touching either glass."

"Oh! that must be terribly hard!"

"Look--here goes."

Roncherolle performed the feat he had described, without spilling a drop of wine. Saint-Arthur was lost in admiration, but Jericourt muttered as he tipped back in his chair:

"I have seen clowns on the boulevard do that."

Roncherolle glared at Jericourt with a half-angry, half-bantering expression, saying: "In truth, monsieur, I was a clown a very long while! And with the permission of the company, I will undertake to make you as flat as this knife blade in a very few moments."

Jericourt did not know what reply to make. Zizi, who, with the tact which all women possess, divined a quarrel on the point of breaking out, made haste to say to Roncherolle:

"Come, my dear gallant, since you are so obliging and are willing to instruct us in your science, show me again what you have just done, and I will try to copy you; I will be your assistant."

"I shan't try this third way of drinking," said Saint-Arthur, "except in my own room and with unsophisticated water."

"You will do well, my boy, for you would break too many glasses here."

The young actress did what Roncherolle had just shown them, and did it with equal success.

"Bravo! bravo!" cried the host. "Honor to Zizi! You know three ways already, dear love!"

"And I don't propose to stop at that."

"These ladies succeed in whatever they choose to undertake," said Roncherolle.

Jericourt, with a curl of his lip, muttered:

"Madame Saqui could do no better!"

"Oh! you always look as if you were sneering!" said Zizi; "but you would be hard put to it to do as much. It's easy to criticise, my dear man!"

"This much is certain, that I shall not venture to contend with you."

"Because you realize your inferiority."

"But I am waiting till you come to the thirty-third way. I fancy that you will do some very extraordinary things then!"

"Oh! my boy, we're not such fools. We mean to have some fun, to get a little screwed, but we don't propose to get drunk. We will learn one more way and that will do for to-night; what do you say, my gallant?"

"As you command, _belle dame_."

"Why, do you know that you're a hard-headed party? Champagne doesn't seem to affect you at all. You drink more than we do, and you don't seem to notice it."

"That is the result of my long studies--another advantage of age!"

"Look at Alfred; he hasn't drunk half as much as you, I'll bet, and his eyes are in curl-papers already; anyone would think he was going to sleep."

"I--oh! I haven't any desire to sleep; I was engaged in thought."

"Of what?"

"Of the baroness whom he escorted home, no doubt!" said Jericourt, with an ironical glance at the gentleman who aroused his displeasure, and whose emotion at the mention of the baroness's name he had noticed.

"Are you going to stuff us some more with your titled lady?" cried Mademoiselle Zizi; "bah! what a tease this Jericourt is!"

"That subject bores you, my sweet angel; forgive me, I won't mention that lady again. However, I believe that this Madame de Grangeville is nothing more than a counterfeit baroness."

"What makes you think so, monsieur? By what right do you insult that lady?" demanded Roncherolle, in a tone in which there was no trace of jesting, and with a by no means amicable glance at the man of letters.

"What! I insult her? Why do you set yourself up as the lady's champion, monsieur, if you don't know her?"

"I do know her, monsieur, and I have a right to defend her. The Baronne de Grangeville is more noble than you are eminent in letters; but perhaps that is not saying overmuch for her nobility."

"You are attacking me now, monsieur; do you mean to insult me?"

"Come, come, messieurs! upon my word! how is this? do you propose to quarrel now?" murmured Alfred, whose mouth had become dry and sticky. "I won't have it; I----"

"Hold your tongue, Bibi!" cried Mademoiselle Zizi. "Don't you see that it's a joke? It would be pretty, wouldn't it, to come to dinner with a lady and take to squabbling in her presence!--In the first place, I believe monsieur is too well bred for that; and as for Jericourt, he knows well enough that it doesn't pay to make me angry; I have ways of revenging myself! Come; let's have no more talk about it, and our dear neighbor will show us the fourth way to drink champagne; and everybody must try to imitate him this time. What do you say, my dear friend?"

"I told you just now, _belle dame_, that I am always at your service."

"Good! now you are agreeable again."

While Roncherolle filled his glass, Jericourt rose, took his hat, and said, bowing coldly to the company:

"It is eight o'clock and I have an appointment at that hour; I am distressed that I cannot stay longer."

"What! leaving us so early?" faltered Alfred.

"Liberty! _libertas!_" said Zizi; "all sorts of good wishes, monsieur!"

When Jericourt had left the room, the young woman sprang to her feet and began to dance a sort of _cachucha_ in front of the mirror, singing:

"Il est parti
Ce cher ami!
Ah! ca m'enchante!
J'en suis contente!
Traderi dera la la
Traderi deri! Biribi!"

"Faith!" said Roncherolle, "I must tell you frankly, my dear Monsieur Saint-Arthur, that Monsieur Jericourt doesn't attract me at all, and that I ask you as a favor not to invite me to dine with him again!"

"Nor me; I won't dine with that ill-licked fellow any more; do you hear, my dear?"

"I hear.--But let's see the fourth way."

"Attention!--You must sing: 'When the bells of the village ring the hour of work, _eh bon, bon, bon_!' I have my glass full, I drink after your three _bons_, and I answer _bon_. You repeat _eh bon bon bon_ three times; I answer _bon_ every time, after drinking; and when I say _bon_ the last time I must have finished my glass."

"_Fichtre!_ that's rather complicated!"

"Not at all; it's simply a matter of emptying your glass in three swallows; you mustn't begin till after the _eh bon bon bon_, and you must finish it before you say the last _bon_.--Sing, fair Zizi."

"Here goes!

"When the bells of the village
Ring the hour of work,
Eh bon bon bon!"

Roncherolle, after drinking:

"_Bon!_"

Zizi:

"_Eh bon bon bon!_"

Roncherolle:

"_Bon!_"

Zizi:

"_Eh bon bon_----"

"_Bon!_ and you see, it's empty!"

"Ah! that's a very pretty way!--It's my turn; fill my glass, old fellow, and sing; I'm ready."

Roncherolle sang and Mademoiselle Zizi drank, answered _bon,_ and swallowed her wine at one gulp.

"You went a little fast," said the professor; "but never mind, you'll do it all right."

"My turn!" cried Alfred, lifting his glass in a hand that was far from steady. "Sing, and you'll see; I'm sure of succeeding at this method; I am waiting at the post."

Mademoiselle Zizi sang the ballad. At the first _bon bon!_ Saint-Arthur spilt his wine on the floor; at the second he struck his nose with his glass; and at the third he swallowed the wrong way and strangled; they were obliged to pound him on the back and make him look at the ceiling, in order to bring him to life.

"My dear boy, I think that you have done enough for to-day," said Zizi; "you are not adroit to-night, and I don't want you to learn any more ways.--Great heaven! it's nine o'clock! I must go and dress--I wear a costume that it takes a long while to put on.--I say, I'm a little dizzy; but no matter! it will pass off on the stage.--Adieu, monsieur; I hope to see you again."

"Are you going away alone?"

"I have only to cross the boulevard. Alfred, you will come to my dressing-room for me at half-past eleven, not a minute earlier; I forbid you."

"Yes, dear angel.--Isn't she enchanting, neighbor, with that little demoniacal expression?"

"And he'd like me not to love anybody but him, the idiot!" whispered Zizi in Roncherolle's ear; "can you imagine such conceit?"

"That certainly would be a great pity."

Mademoiselle Zizi disappeared. Alfred paid the waiter, doing his utmost to stand erect on his legs.

Roncherolle took his arm, to help him to go downstairs, and before leaving him on the boulevard, said:

"Do me the favor to give me the address of the lady whom you took home--the Baronne de Grangeville."

"Ah! the Baronne de--you want to know her address? Villain! monster! you have criminal designs!"

"Perhaps so--but her address."

"Wait--I know it perfectly."

"Well then, where is it?"

"Ah!--Rue de--what do you call it--you know it well enough!"

"If you should tell me the name, I should know it better."

"Rue--parbleu! Rue Fontaine-Saint-Georges; number 21 or 24--it's in the twenties."

"Infinitely obliged."

"Au revoir, my dear friend! I'm going to the Cafe Turc for a game of billiards; I feel in condition to make fifteen cannons in succession."

"Much pleasure to you."

And Roncherolle walked away, saying:

"I know her address at last! To-morrow I will carry her a bouquet myself."