Chapter I: Preface

I claim no merit for the following pages, other than may attach to industry, application, the gift of copying accurately, and the acquisition of writer’s cramp. The mechanical writing is—to the great joy of the compositors who have dealt with it—every letter mine own; but the best part of the book has been conveyed from other sources. In fact the book is, as the old lady said of the divine tragedy of _Hamlet_, “full of quotations.” The hand is the hand of Gubbins, but the voice is, for the most part, the voice of the great ones of the past, including Pliny and Gervase Markham. The matter, or most of it—I am endeavouring to drive the fact home—is culled from other sources; and if this is the most useful and interesting work ever published it is more my fortune than my fault.

The genial reception of my earlier effort, _Cakes and Ale_—which was condemned only by worshippers of _Ala_, who were not expected to applaud—together with the hope of earning something towards the purchase of a Bath Chair—have induced me to issue this little treatise on liquids, as a companion to my first cloth-bound book. And innate modesty—I stick to “innate,” despite the critics—compels me to add that I think the last is the better work. I will, however, leave a generous and discriminating public to decide that question for itself.

LONDON, CHRISTMAS EVE, 1898.

CONTENTS

CHAPTER I

THE OLD ADAM

Introductory — Awful habits of the ancients — A bold, bad book — Seneca on the Drink Habit — The bow must not be always strung — _Ebrietatis Encomium_ — The noble Romans — “Dum vivimus vivamus” — The skeleton at the banquet — Skull-cups — “Life and wine are the same thing” — Virgil and his contemporaries — Goats for Bacchus — The days of Pliny — Rewards for drunkenness — Novellius Torquatus — Three gallons at a draught — A swallow which did not save Rome — The antiquity of getting for’ard — Noah as a grape-grower — Father Frassen’s ideas — Procopius of Gaza — New Testament wine — Fermented or not? — Bad old Early Christians — Drunkenness common in Africa — Religion a cloak for alcohol — Tertullian on cider — Paulinus excuses intemperance — Excellence of Early Christians’ intentions . . . Pages 1–10

CHAPTER II

MORE FRIGHTFUL EXAMPLES

Eating and drinking the only work of the monks — Nunc est bibendum — An apology for Herodotus — A jovial pope — Good quarters in Provence — Intemperance of holy men — A tippling bishop — Alexander the Great — “Lovely Thais sits beside thee” — A big flare-up — Awful end of Alec — Cambyses always shot straight — Darius the strong-of-head — Philip drunk and Philip sober — Dionysius gets blind — Tiberius loved the bowl — So did Flavius Vobiscus, the diplomatist — Bluff King Hal — The Merry Monarch and the Lord Mayor — Dear Old Pepys — A Mansion House wine-list — Minimum allowance of sack — A slump in brandy — A church-tavern — Dean Aldrich — The Romans at supper — “The tippling philosophers” . . . Pages 11–21

CHAPTER III

DRINKS ANCIENT AND MODERN

The Whitaker of the period — France without wine — Babylonian boozers — Beer discovered by the Egyptians — A glass of bitter for Cleopatra — Brainless Persians — German sots — Turning the tables — Intemperance in the North — Chinese intoxicants — Nature of Sack — Mead and morat — Vinous metheglin — Favourite tipple of the Ancient Britons — Braggonet — Birch-wine — “The inwariable” of Falstaff — A recipe by Sir Walter Raleigh — Saragossa wine — Usquebaugh — Clary — Apricock wine . . . 22–35

CHAPTER IV

SOME OLD RECIPES

Indifference of the Chineses — A nasty potion — A nastier — White Bastard — Helping it to be eager — Improving Malmsey — Death of the Duke of Clarence — Mum is _not_ the word — English champagne — Life without Ebulum a blank — Cock ale — How to dispose of surplus poultry — Painful fate of a pauper — _Potage pauvre_ — Duties of the old English housewife — Election of wines, not golf — Muskadine — Lemon wine — Familiar recipe — King William’s posset — Pope’s ditto . . . Pages 36–47

CHAPTER V

GLORIOUS BEER

Nectar on Olympus — Beer and the Bible — “Ninepenny” at Eton — “Number One” Bass — “The wicked weed called hops” — All is not beer that’s bitter — Pathetic story of “Poor Richard” — Secrets of brewing — Gervase Markham — An “espen” full of hops — Eggs in ale — Beer soup — The wassail bowl — Sir Watkin Wynne — Brown Betty — Rumfustian — Mother-in-law — A delightful summer drink — Brasenose ale . . . 48–60

CHAPTER VI

ALL ALE

Waste not, want not — The right hand for the froth — Arthur Roberts and Phyllis Broughton — A landlord’s perquisites — Marc Antony and hot coppers — Introduction of ale into Britain — Burton-on-Trent — Formerly a cotton-spinning centre — A few statistics — Michael Thomas Bass — A grand old man — Malting barleys — Porter and stout — Lager beer — Origin of bottled ale — An ancient recipe — Lead-poisoning — The poor man’s beer . . . 61–71

CHAPTER VII

A SPIRITUOUS DISCOURSE

What is brandy? — See that you get it — Potato-spirit from the Fatherland — The phylloxera and her ravages — Cognac oil — Natural history of the vine-louse — “Spoofing” the Yanks — Properties of Argol — Brandy from sawdust — Desiccated window-sills — Enormous boom in whisky — Dewar and the trade — Water famine — The serpent Alcohol — Some figures — France the drunken nation, not Britain — Taxing of distilleries — _Uisge beatha_ — Fusel oil — Rye whisky — Palm wine — John Exshaw knocked out by John Barleycorn . . . Pages 72–82

CHAPTER VIII

OTHER SPIRITS

Old Jamaica pine-apple — “Tots” for Tommy Atkins — The grog tub aboard ship — _Omelette au rhum_ — Rum-and-milk — Ditto-and-ale — A maddening mixture — Rectifying gin — “The seasoning as does it” — Oil of turpentine and table-salt — A long thirst — A farthing’s worth of Old Tom — Roach-alum — Dirty gin — Gin and bitters — “Kosher” rum — An active and intelligent officer — Gambling propensities of the Israelites — The dice in the tumbler — Nomenclature at “The Olde Cheshyre Cheese” — “Rack” — “Cork” . . . 83–90

CHAPTER IX

CUPS WHICH CHEER

Claret combinations — Not too much noyeau — A treat for schoolboys — The properties of borage — “Away with melancholy” — _Salmon’s Household Companion_ — Balm for vapours — Crimean cup — An elaborate and far-reaching compound — Orgeat — A race-day cup — “Should auld acquaintance be forgot?” — Sparkling Isabella — Rochester’s delight — Freemason’s relish — Porter cup — Dainty drink for a tennis-party . . . 91–100

CHAPTER X

PUNCH

Derivation of the word questioned — Not an Asiatic drink — “Pale-punts” — No relation to pale punters — Properties of rum — Toddy as a tonic — Irish punch — Glasgie ditto — O’er muckle cauld watter — One to seven — Hech sirs! — Classical sherbet — Virtues of the feet of calves — West India dry gripes — Make your own punch — No deputy allowed — Attraction of capillaire — Gin punch — Eight recipes for milk-punch — University heart-cheerers . . . Pages 101–114

CHAPTER XI

STRANGE SWALLOWS

“Wormwood!”—The little green fairy — All right when you know it, but⸺ — The hour of absinthe — Awful effects — Marie Corelli — St. John the Divine — Arrack and bhang not to be encouraged — Plain water — The original intoxicant — Sacred beverage of the mild Hindu — Chi Chi — Kafta, an Arabian delight — Friends as whisky agents — Effervescent Glenlivet — The peat-reek — American bar-keeper and his best customer — “Like swallerin’ a circ’lar saw and pullin’ it up again” — Castor-oil anecdote — “Haste to the wedding!” . . . 115–125

CHAPTER XII

“THE BOY”

Definition of the youth — The valley of the Marne — An Archbishop in sparkling company — All is not cham. that fizzes — Beneficial effects of Pommery — Dire memories of the Haymarket — The bad boy at York — A hair of the canine — The good boy — Gout defied — Old Roman cellars — A chronic bombardment — Magnums to right of ’em — Duties of the disgorger — Simon the cellarer — Fifteen millions of full bottles — Pro-dig-i-ous! — Gooseberry champagne a myth — About Médoc — The ancients spelt claret with two “r’s” — Hints on adulteration — “Château Gubbins” — New wine — Gladstone claret — “Pricked!” . . . Pages 126–136