Chapter II: Act THE FIRST: Scene I

_A Lady's Apartment._

_MR. BLANDISH and MRS. LETITIA BLANDISH discovered writing: Letters folded up, and Message Cards scattered upon the Table._

_MRS. BLANDISH leans upon her Elbows, as meditating; writes, as pleased with her Thought; lays down the Pen._

_Mrs. Blandish._ There it is, complete----

[_Reads conceitedly._

_Adieu, my charming friend, my amiable, my all
Accomplished associate! conceive the ardour of
Your lovers united with your own sensibility--
Still will the compound be but faintly expressive
Of the truth and tenderness of your_

LETITIA BLANDISH.

There's phrase--there's a period--match it, if you can.

_Blandish._ Not I, indeed: I am working upon a quite different plan: but, in the name of the old father of adulation, to whom is that perfect phrase addressed?

_Mrs. Blandish._ To one worth the pains, I can tell you--Miss Alscrip.

_Blandish._ What, sensibility to Miss Alscrip! My dear sister, this is too much, even in your own way: had you run changes upon her fortune, stocks, bonds, and mortgages; upon Lord Gayville's coronet at her feet, or forty other coronets, to make footballs of if she pleased,--it would have been plausible; but the quality you have selected----

_Mrs. Blandish._ Is one she has no pretensions to; therefore the flattery is more persuasive--that's my maxim.

_Blandish._ And mine also, but I don't try it quite so high--Sensibility to Miss Alscrip! you might as well have applied it to her uncle's pig-iron, from which she derives her first fifty thousand; or the harder heart of the old usurer, her father, from which she expects the second. But come, [_Rings._] to the business of the morning.

_Enter PROMPT._

Here, Prompt--send out the chairman with the billets and cards.--Have you any orders, madam?

_Mrs. Blandish._ [_Delivering her Letter._] This to Miss Alscrip, with my impatient inquiries after her last night's rest, and that she shall have my personal salute in half an hour.--You take care to send to all the lying-in ladies?

_Prompt._ At their doors, madam, before the first load of straw.

_Blandish._ And to all great men that keep the house--whether for their own disorders, or those of the nation?

_Prompt._ To all, sir--their secretaries, and principal clerks.

_Blandish._ [_Aside to PROMPT._] How goes on the business you have undertaken for Lord Gayville?

_Prompt._ I have conveyed his letter, and expect this morning to get an answer.

_Blandish._ He does not think me in the secret?

_Prompt._ Mercy forbid you should be!

[_Archly._

_Blandish._ I should never forgive your meddling.

_Prompt._ Oh! never, never!

_Blandish._ [_Aloud._] Well, dispatch----

_Mrs. Blandish._ Hold!--apropos, to the lying-in list--at Mrs. Barbara Winterbloom's, to inquire after the Angola kittens, and the last hatch of Java sparrows.

_Prompt._ [_Reading his Memorandum as he goes out._] Ladies in the straw--ministers, &c.--old maids, cats, and sparrows: never had a better list of how d'ye's, since I had the honour to collect for the Blandish family.

[_Exit._

_Mrs. Blandish._ These are the attentions that establish valuable friendships in female life. By adapting myself to the whims of one, submitting to the jest of another, assisting the little plots of a third, and taking part against the husbands with all, I am become an absolute essential in the polite world; the very soul of every fashionable party in town or country.

_Blandish._ The country! Pshaw! Time thrown away.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Time thrown away! As if women of fashion left London, to turn freckled shepherdesses.--No, no; cards, cards and backgammon, are the delights of rural life; and, slightly as you may think of my skill, at the year's end I am no inconsiderable sharer in the pin-money of my society.

_Blandish._ A paltry resource----Gambling is a damned trade, and I have done with it.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Indeed!

_Blandish._ Yes; 'twas high time.--The women don't pay; and as for the men, the age grows circumspect in proportion to its poverty. It's odds but one loses a character to establish a debt, and must fight a duel to obtain the payment. I have a thousand better plans, but two principal ones; and I am only at a loss which to chuse.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Out with them, I beseech you.

_Blandish._ Whether I shall marry my friend's intended bride, or his sister.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Marry his intended bride?----What, pig-iron and usury?--Your opinion of her must advance your addresses admirably.

_Blandish._ My lord's opinion of her will advance them; he can't bear the sight of her, and, in defiance of his uncle, Sir Clement Flint's, eagerness for the match, is running mad after an adventure, which I, who am his confidant, shall keep going till I determine.--There's news for you.

_Mrs. Blandish._ And his sister, Lady Emily, the alternative! The first match in England, in beauty, wit, and accomplishment.

_Blandish._ Pooh! A fig for her personal charms; she will bring me connexion that would soon supply fortune; the other would bring fortune enough to make connexion unnecessary.

_Mrs. Blandish._ And as to the certainty of success with the one or the other----

_Blandish._ Success!--Are they not women?--But I must away. And first for Lord Gayville, and his fellow student, Clifford.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Apropos! Look well to Clifford. Lady Emily and he were acquainted at the age of first impressions.

_Blandish._ I dare say he always meant to be the complete friend of the family; for, besides his design on Lady Emily, his game, I find, has been to work upon Lord Gayville's understanding; he thinks he must finally establish himself in his esteem, by inexorably opposing all his follies.--Poor simpleton!--Now, my touch of opposition goes only to enhance the value of my acquiescence. So adieu for the morning--You to Miss Alscrip, with an unction of flattery, fit for a house-painter's brush; I to Sir Clement, and his family, with a composition as delicate as ether, and to be applied with the point of a feather.

[_Going._

_Mrs. Blandish._ Hark you, Blandish--a good wish before you go: To make your success complete, may you find but half your own vanity in those you have to work on!

_Blandish._ Thank you, my dear Letty; this is not the only tap you have hit me to-day, and you are right; for if you and I did not sometimes speak truth to each other, we should forget there was such a quality incident to the human mind.

[_Exeunt._

SCENE II.

_LORD GAYVILLE's Apartment._

_Enter LORD GAYVILLE and MR. CLIFFORD._

_Lord G._ My dear Clifford, urge me no more. How can a man of your liberality of sentiment descend to be the advocate of my uncle's family avarice?

_Cliff._ My lord, you do not live for yourself. You have an ancient name and title to support.

_Lord G._ Preposterous policy! Whenever the father builds, games, or electioneers, the heir and title roust go to market. Oh, the happy families Sir Clement Flint will enumerate, where this practice has prevailed for centuries; and the estate been improved in every generation, though specifically spent by each individual!

_Cliff._ But you thought with him a month ago, and wrote with transport of the match--"Whenever I think of Miss Alscrip, visions of equipage and splendour, villas and hotels, the delights of independence and profuseness, dance in my imagination."

_Lord G._ It is true, I was that dissipated, fashionable wretch.

_Cliff._ Come, this reserve betrays a consciousness of having acted wrong: You would not hide what would give me pleasure: But I'll not be officious.

_Lord G._ Hear me without severity, and I'll tell you all. Such a woman, such an assemblage of all that's lovely in the sex!----

_Cliff._ Well, but--the who, the how, the where?

_Lord G._ I met her walking, and alone; and, indeed, so humbly circumstanced as to carry a parcel in her own hand.

_Cliff._ I cannot but smile at this opening of your adventure.--But proceed.

_Lord G._ Her dress was such as a judicious painter would chuse to characterise modesty. But natural grace and elegance stole upon the observation, and, through the simplicity of a quaker, showed all we could conceive of a goddess. I gazed, and turned idolater.

_Cliff._ [_Smiling._] You may as well finish the description in poetry at once; you are on the very verge of it.

_Lord G._ She was under the persecution of one of those beings peculiar to this town, who assume the name of gentlemen, upon the sole credentials of a boot, a switch, and round hat--the things that escape from counters and writing desks, to disturb public places, insult foreigners, and put modest women out of countenance. I had no difficulty in the rescue.

_Cliff._ And, having silenced the dragon, in the true spirit of chivalry, you conducted the damsel to her castle.

_Lord G._ The utmost I could obtain was leave to put her into a hackney coach, which I followed unperceived, and lodged her in the house of an obscure milliner, in a bye street, whose favour was soon conciliated by a few guineas. I almost lived in the house; and often, when I was not suspected to be there, passed whole hours listening to a voice, that would have captivated my very soul, though it had been her only attraction. At last----

_Cliff._ What is to follow?

_Lord G._ By the persuasions of the woman, who laughed at my scruples with an unknown girl, a lodger upon a second floor, I hid myself in the closet of her apartment: and the practised trader assured me, I had nothing to fear from the interruption of the family.

_Cliff._ Oh, for shame, my lord! whatever may be the end of your adventure, such means were very much below you.

_Lord G._ I confess it, and have been punished. Upon the discovery of me, fear, indignation, and resolution, agitated the whole frame of the sweet girl by turns.--I should as soon have committed sacrilege, as have offered an affront to her person.--Confused--overpowered--I stammered out a few incoherent words--Interest in her fortune--respect --entreaty of forgiveness--and left her, to detest me.

_Cliff._ You need go no farther. I meant to rally you, but your proceedings and emotion alarm me for your peace and honour. You are on a double precipice; on one side impelled by folly, on the other--

_Lord G._ Hold, Clifford, I am not prepared for so much admonition. Your tone is changed since our separation; you seem to drop the companion, and assume the governor.

_Cliff._ No, my lord, I scorn the sycophant, and assert the friend.

_Enter SERVANT, followed by BLANDISH._

_Serv._ My lord, Mr. Blandish.

[_Exit._

_Cliff._ [_Significantly._] I hope every man will do the same.

_Blandish._ Mr. Clifford, do not let me drive you away--I want to learn your power to gain and to preserve dear Lord Gayville's esteem.

_Cliff._ [_With a seeming Effort to withdraw his Hand, which BLANDISH holds._] Sir, you are quite accomplished to be an example.--

_Blandish._ I have been at your apartment, to look for you--we have been talking of you with Sir Clement--Lady Emily threw in her word.--

_Cliff._ [_Disengaging his Hand._] Oh, sir, you make me too proud. [_Aside._] Practised parasite!

[_Exit._

_Blandish._ [_Aside._] Sneering puppy.----[_To LORD GAYVILLE._] My lord, you seem disconcerted; has any thing new occurred?

_Lord G._ No, for there is nothing new in being disappointed in a friend.

_Blandish._ Have you told your story to Mr. Clifford?

_Lord G._ I have, and I might as well have told it to the cynic my uncle: he could not have discouraged or condemned me more.

_Blandish._ They are both in the right. I see things exactly as they do--but I have less fortitude, or more attachment than others:--The inclinations of the man, I love, are spells upon my opposition.

_Lord G._ Kind Blandish! you are the confidant I want.

_Blandish._ What has happened since your discovery in the closet?

_Lord G._ The lovely wanderer left her lodgings the next morning--but I have again found her--she is in a house of equal retirement, but of very different character, in the city, and inaccessible. I have wrote to her, and knowing her to be distressed, I have enclosed bank bills for two hundred pounds, the acceptance of which I have urged with all the delicacy I am master of, and, by Heaven! without a purpose of corruption.

_Blandish._ Two hundred pounds, and Lord Gayville's name--

_Lord G._ She has never known me, but by the name of Mr. Heartly. Since my ambition has been to be loved for my own sake, I have been jealous of my title.

_Blandish._ And pr'ythee by what diligence or chance, did Mr. Heartly trace his fugitive?

_Lord G._ By the acuteness of Mr. Prompt, your valet de chambre. You must pardon me for pressing into my service for this occasion, the fellow in the world fittest for it.--Here he comes.

_Enter PROMPT._

_Prompt._ Are you alone, my lord?

[_Starts at seeing his Master._

_Lord G._ Don't be afraid, Prompt--your peace is made.

_Prompt._ Then there is my return for your lordship's goodness. [_Giving the Letter._] This letter was just now brought to the place appointed, by a porter.

_Lord G._ By a Cupid, honest Prompt, and these characters were engraved by the point of his arrow! [_Kissing the Superscription._] "To ---- Heartly, Esq." Blandish, did you ever see any thing like it?

_Blandish._ If her style be equal to her hand-writing--

_Lord G._ If it be equal!--Infidel! you shall have proof directly. [_Opens the Letter precipitately._] Hey-day! what the devil's here? my bills again, and no line--not a word--Death and disappointment, what's this!

_Prompt._ Gad it's well if she is not off again--'faith I never asked where the letter came from.

_Lord G._ Should you know the messenger again?

_Prompt._ I believe I should, my lord. For a Cupid he was somewhat in years, about six feet high, and a nose rather given to purple.

_Lord G._ Spare your wit, sir, till you find him.

_Prompt._ I have a shorter way--my life upon it I start her myself.

_Blandish._ And what is your device, sirrah!

_Prompt._ Lord, sir, nothing so easy as to bring every living creature in this town to the window: a tame bear, or a mad ox; two men, or two dogs fighting; a balloon in the air--(or tied up to the ceiling 'tis the same thing) make but noise enough, and out they come, first and second childhood, and every thing between--I am sure I shall know her by inspiration.

_Lord G._ Shall I describe her to you?

_Prompt._ No, my lord, time is too precious--I'll be at her last lodgings, and afterwards half the town over before your lordship will travel from her forehead to her chin.

_Lord G._ Away then, my good fellow. He cannot mistake her, for when she was formed, nature broke the mould.

[_Exit PROMPT._

_Blandish._ Now for the blood of me, cannot I call that fellow back; it is absolute infatuation: Ah! I see how this will end.

_Lord G._ What are your apprehensions?

_Blandish._ That my ferret yonder will do his part completely; that I shall set all your uncle's doctrine at nought, and thus lend myself to this wild intrigue, till the girl is put into your arms.

_Lord G._ Propitious be the thought, my best friend--my uncle's doctrine! but advise me, how shall I keep my secret from him for the present? 'Faith, it is not very easy; Sir Clement is suspicion personified: his eye probes one's very thought.

_Blandish._ Your best chance would be to double your assiduities to Miss Alscrip. But then dissimulation is so mean a vice.--

_Lord G._ It is so indeed, and if I give into it for a moment, it is upon the determination of never being her husband. I may despise and offend a woman; but disgust would be no excuse for betraying her. Adieu, Blandish; if you see Prompt first, I trust to you for the quickest communication of intelligence.

_Blandish._ I am afraid you may--I cannot resist you. [_Exit LORD GAYVILLE._]--Ah! wrong--wrong--wrong; I hope that exclamation is not lost. A blind compliance with a young man's passions is a poor plot upon his affections.

[_Exit._

SCENE III.

_MRS. SAGELY's House_.

_Enter MRS. SAGELY and MISS ALTON._

_Mrs. Sagely._ Indeed, Miss Alton, (since you are resolved to continue that name) you may bless yourself for finding me out in this wilderness.--Wilderness! this town is ten times more dangerous to youth and innocence: every man you meet is a wolf.

_Miss Alton._ Dear madam, I see you dwell upon my indiscretion in flying to London; but remember the safeguard I expected to find here. How cruel was the disappointment! how dangerous have been the consequences! I thought the chance happy that threw a retired lodging in my way: I was upon my guard against the other sex, but for my own to be treacherous to an unfortunate--could I expect it?

_Mrs. Sagely._ Suspect every body, if you would be safe--but most of all suspect yourself. Ah, my pretty truant--the heart, that is so violent in its aversions, is in sad danger of being the same in its affections, depend upon it.

_Miss Alton._ Let them spring from a just esteem, and you will absolve me: my aversion was to the character of the wretch I was threatened with--can you reprove me?

_Mrs. Sagely._ And tell me truly now; do you feel the same detestation for this worse character you have made acquaintance with? This rake--this abominable Heartly?----Ah, child, your look is suspicious.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I have not a thought, that I will not sincerely lay open to you. Mr. Heartly is made to please, and to be avoided; I resent his attempts, and desire never to see him more--his discovery of me here; his letters, his offers have greatly alarmed me. I conjure you lose not an hour in placing me under the sort of protection I solicited.

_Mrs. Sagely._ If you are resolved, I believe I can serve you. Miss Alscrip, the great heiress, (you may have heard of the name in your family) has been inquiring among decayed gentry for a companion. She is too fine a lady to bear to be alone, and perhaps does not look to a husband's company as a certain dependence. Your musical talents will be a great recommendation--She is already apprized, and a line from me will introduce you.

_Miss Alton._ I will avail myself of your kindness immediately.

_Prompt._ [_Without._] I tell you I have business with Mrs. Sagely--I must come in.

_Mrs. Sagely._ As I live here is an impudent fellow forcing himself into the passage!

_Miss Alton._ Oh Heaven! if Mr. Heartly should be behind!

_Mrs. Sagely._ Get into the back parlour; be he who he will, I'll warrant I protect you.

[_Exit MISS ALTON._

_Enter PROMPT._ [_Looking about._]

_Mrs. Sagely._ Who are you, sir? What are you looking for?

_Prompt._ Madam, I was looking----I was looking--for you.

_Mrs. Sagely._ Well, sir, and what do you want.

_Prompt._ [_Still prying about._] Madam, I want----I want--I want--

_Mrs. Sagely._ To rob the house, perhaps.

_Prompt._ Just the contrary, Madam--to see that all is safe within it.--You have a treasure in your possession that I would not have lost for the world--A young lady.

_Mrs. Sagely._ Indeed!--begone about your business, friend--there are no young ladies to be spoke with here.

_Prompt._ Lord, madam, I don't desire to speak with her--My attentions go to ladies of the elder sort--I come to make proposals to you alone.

_Mrs. Sagely._ You make proposals to me? Did you know my late husband, sir?

_Prompt._ Husband! My good Mrs. Sagely--be at ease--I have no more views upon you, that way, than upon my grandmother--My proposals are of a quite different nature.

_Mrs. Sagely._ Of a different nature? Why you audacious varlet! Here, call a constable--

_Prompt._ Dear madam, how you continue to misunderstand me--I have a respect for you, that will set at nought all the personal temptations about you, depend upon it, powerful as they are--And as for the young lady, my purpose is only that you shall guard her safe.--I would offer you a pretty snug house in a pleasant quarter of the town, where you two would be much more commodiously lodged--the furniture new, and in the prettiest taste--A neat little sideboard of plate--a black boy, with a turban to wait upon you--

_Mrs. Sagely._ And for what purpose am I to be bribed? I am above it, sirrah. I have but a pittance, 'tis true, and heavy outgoings--My husband's decayed bookkeeper to maintain, and poor old Smiler, that so many years together drew our whole family in a chaise--Heavy charges--but by cutting off my luxuries, and stopping up a few windows, I can jog on, and scorn to be beholden to you, or him that sent you. [_PROMPT tries at the Door, and peeps through the Key-hole._] What would the impertinent fellow be at now? Keep the door bolted, and don't stand in sight.

_Prompt._ [_Aside._] Oh! oh!--She is here I find, and that's enough.----My good Mrs. Sagely--your humble servant--I would fain be better acquainted with you--in a modest way--but must wait, I see, a more happy hour. [_Aside, going out._] When honesty and poverty do happen to meet, they grow so fond of each other's company, it is labour lost to try to separate them.

[_Exit._

_Mrs. Sagely._ Shut the street door after him, and never let him in again.

_Enter MISS ALTON, from the inner Room._

_Miss Alton._ For mercy, madam, let me begone immediately. I am very uneasy--I am certain Mr. Heartly is at the bottom of this.

_Mrs. Sagely._ I believe it, my dear, and now see the necessity of your removal. I'll write your letter--and Heaven protect you. Remember my warning, suspect yourself.

[_Exit._

_Miss Alton._ In truth I will. I'll forget the forbearance of this profligate, and remember only his intentions. And is gratitude then suspicious? Painful lesson! A woman must not think herself secure because she has no bad impulse to fear: she must be upon her guard, lest her very best should betray her.