Chapter IV: Act THE THIRD: Scene I

_MISS ALSCRIP's Dressing-room._

_MISS ALTON, discovered._

_Miss Alton._ Thanks to Mrs. Blandish's inexhaustible talent for encomium, I shall be relieved from one part of a companion that my nature revolts at. But who comes here? It's well if I shall not be exposed to impertinences I was not aware of.

_Enter CHIGNON._

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] Ma foi, la voila--I will lose no time to pay my addresse--Now for de humble maniere, and de unperplex assurance of my contree [_Bowing with a French shrug.--MISS ALTON turning over Music Books._] Mademoiselle, est-il permis? may I presume to offer you my profound homage [_MISS ALTON not taking Notice._] Mademoiselle--if you vill put your head into my hands, I vill give a distinction to your beauty, that shall make you and me de conversation of all de town.

_Miss Alton._ I request, Mr. Chignon, you will devote your ambition to your own part of the compliment.

_Mr. Als._ [_Without._] Where is my daughter?

_Miss Alton._ Is that Mr. Alscrip's voice, Mr. Chignon? It's awkward for me to meet him before I'm introduced.

_Chignon._ Keep a little behind, mademoiselle; he vill only pashe de room--He vill not see through me.

_Enter ALSCRIP._

_Alscrip._ Hah, my daughter gone already, but [_Sees CHIGNON._] there's a new specimen of foreign vermin--A lady's valet de chambre--Taste for ever!--Now if I was to give the charge of my person to a waiting maid, they'd say I was indelicate. [_As he crosses the Stage, CHIGNON keeps sideling to intercept his Sight, and bowing as he looks towards him._] What the devil is mounseer at? I thought all his agility lay in his fingers: what antics is the monkey practising? He twists and doubles himself as if he had a raree-show at his back.

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] Be gar no raree-show for you, monsieur Alscrip, if I can help.

_Alscrip._ [_Spying MISS ALTON._] Ah! ah! What have we got there? Monsieur, who is that?

_Chignon._ Sir, my lady wish to speak to you in her boudoir. She sent me to conduct you, sir.

_Alscrip._ [_Imitating._] Yes, sir, but I will first conduct myself to this lady--Tell me this minute, who she is?

_Chignon._ Sir, she come to live here, companion to my lady--Mademoiselle study some musique--she must not be disturbed.

_Alscrip._ Get about your business, monsieur, or I'll disturb every comb in your head--Go tell my daughter to stay till I come to her. I shall give her companion some cautions against saucy Frenchmen, sirrah!

_Chignon._ [_Aside._] Cautions! peste! you are subject a' cautions yourself--I suspecte you to be von old rake, but no ver dangerous rival.

[_Exit._

_Alscrip._ [_To himself, and looking at her with his Glass._] The devil is never tired of throwing baits in my way. [_She comes forward modestly._] By all that's delicious! I must be better acquainted with her. [_He bows. She courtesies, the Music Book still in her Hand._] But how to begin--My usual way of attacking my daughter's maids will never do.

_Miss Alton._ [_Aside._] My situation is very embarrassing.

_Alscrip._ Beauteous stranger, give me leave to add my welcome to my daughter's. Since Alscrip House was established, she never brought any thing into it to please me before.

_Miss Alton._ [_A little confused._] Sir, it is a great additional honour to that Miss Alscrip has done me, to be thought worthy so respectable a protection as yours.

_Alscrip._ I could furnish you with a better word than respectable. It sounds so distant, and my feelings have so little to do with cold respect--I never had such a desire--to make myself agreeable.

_Miss Alton._ [_Aside._] A very strange old man. [_To him, more confused._] Sir, you'll pardon me, I believe Miss Alscrip is waiting.

_Alscrip._ Don't be afraid, my dear, enchanting diffident (zounds, what a flutter am I in!) don't be afraid--my disposition, to be sure, is too susceptible; but then it is likewise so dove-like, so tender, and so innocent. Come, play me that tune, and enchant my ear, as you have done my eye.

_Miss Alton._ Sir, I wish to be excused, indeed it does not deserve your attention.

_Alscrip._ Not deserve it! I had rather hear you, than all the signoritininies together.--These are the strings to which my senses shall dance.

[_Sets the Harp._

_Miss Alton._ Sir, it is to avoid the affectation of refusing what is so little worth asking for.

[_Takes the Harp and plays a Few Bars of a lively Air.
ALSCRIP kisses her Fingers with rapture._

_Alscrip._ Oh! the sweet little twiddle-diddles!

_Miss Alton._ For shame, sir, what do you mean?

[_ALSCRIP gets hold of both her Hands and continues
kissing her Fingers._

_Miss Alton._ [_Struggling._] Help!

_Enter Miss ALSCRIP._

_Miss Als._ I wonder what my papa is doing all this time?

[_A short Pause--MISS ALSCRIP surprised.--MISS ALTON confused.--ALSCRIP puts his Hand to his Eye._

_Alscrip._ Oh, child! I have got something in my eye, that makes me almost mad.--A little midge--believe.--'Gad, I caught hold of this young lady's hand in one of my twitches, and her nerves were as much in a flutter as if I had bit her.

_Miss Als._ [_Significantly._] Yes, my dear papa, I perceive you have something in your eye, and I'll do my best to take it out immediately----Miss Alton, will you do me the favour to walk into the drawing room?

_Miss Alton._ I hope, madam, you will permit me, at a proper opportunity, to give my explanation of what has passed?

[_Retires._

_Miss Als._ There's no occasion--Let it rest among the catalogue of wonders, like the Glastonbury thorn, that blooms at Christmas.----To be serious, papa, though I carried off your behaviour as well as I could, I am really shocked at it--A man of your years, and of a profession where the opinion of the world is of such consequence--

_Alscrip._ My dear Molly, have not I quitted the practice of attorney, and turned fine gentleman, to laugh at the world's opinion; or, had I not, do you suppose the kiss of a pretty wench would hurt a lawyer? My dear Molly, if the fraternity had no other reflections to be afraid of!

_Miss Als._ Oh! hideous, Molly indeed! you ought to have forgot I had a christened name long ago; am not I going to be a countess? If you did not stint my fortune, by squand'ring yours away upon dirty trulls, I might be called your grace.

_Alscrip._ Spare your lectures, and you shall be called your highness, if you please.

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Madam, Lady Emily Gayville is in her carriage in the street, will your ladyship be at home?

_Miss Als._ Yes, show her into the drawing room. [_Exit SERVANT._] I entreat, sir, you will keep a little more guard upon your passions; consider the dignity of your house, and if you must be cooing, buy a French figurante.

[_Exit._

_Alscrip._ Well said, my lady countess! well said, quality morals! What am I the better for burying a jealous wife? To be chicken pecked is a new persecution, more provoking than the old one--Oh Molly! Molly!--

[_Exit._

SCENE II.

_The Drawing Room._

_MISS ALTON, alone._

_Miss Alton._ What perplexing scenes I already meet with in this house? I ought, however, to be contented in the security it affords against the attempts of Heartly. I am contented--But, O Clifford! It was hard to be left alone to the choice of distresses.

_Enter CHIGNON, introducing LADY EMILY._

_Chignon._ My Lady Emily Gayville--Madame no here! Mademoiselle, announce, if you please, my lady.

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] Did my ears deceive me? surely I heard the name of Clifford--and it escaped in an accent!--Pray, sir, who is that?

[_To CHIGNON._

_Chignon._ Mademoiselle Alton, confidante of my lady, and next after me in her suite.

[_Examines her Head Dress impertinently. MISS ALTON with great modesty rises and puts her Work together._

_Lady E._ There seems to be considerable difference in the decorum of her attendants. You need not stay, sir.

_Chignon._ [_As he goes out._] Ma foi, sa tete est passable--her head may pass.

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] How my heart beats with curiosity! [_MISS ALTON having disposed her things in her Work Bag, is retiring with a Courtesy._] Miss Alton, I am in no haste. On the contrary, I think the occasion fortunate that allows me to begin an acquaintance with a person of so amiable an appearance. I don't know whether that pert foreigner has led me into an error--but without being too inquisitive, may I ask if you make any part of this family?

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I am under Miss Alscrip's protection: I imagine I am represented as her dependent: I am not ashamed of humble circumstances, that are not the consequences of indiscretion.

_Lady E._ That with such claims to respect you should be in any circumstances of humiliation, is a disgrace to the age we live in.

_Miss Alton._ Madam, my humiliation (if such it be) is just. Perhaps I have been too proud, and my heart required this self-correction. A life of retired industry might have been more pleasing to me; but an orphan--a stranger--ignorant and diffident, I preferred my present situation, as one less exposed to misrepresentation. [_Bell rings._] I can no longer detain Miss Alscrip from the honour of receiving your ladyship.

[_A respectful Courtesy, and exit._

_Lady E._ There is something strangely mysterious and affecting in all this----what delicacy of sentiment--what softness of manners! and how well do these qualities accord with that sigh for Clifford! she has been proud--proud of what?--of Clifford's love. It is too plain. But then to account for her present condition?--He has betrayed and abandoned her--too plain again, I fear.--She talked too of a self-corrected heart--take example, Emily, and recall thine from an object, which it ought more than ever to renounce. But here come the Alscrip and her friend: lud! lud! lud! how shall I recover my spirits! I must attempt it, and if I lose my present thoughts in a trial of extravagance, be it of theirs or my own, it will be a happy expedient.

_Enter MISS ALSCRIP and MRS. BLANDISH._

[_MISS ALSCRIP runs up to LADY EMILY and kisses her Forehead._

_Lady E._ I ask your pardon, madam, for being so awkward, but I confess I did not expect so elevated a salute.

_Miss Als._ Dear Lady Emily, I had no notion of its not being universal. In France, the touch of the lips, just between the eyebrows, has been adopted for years.

_Lady E._ I perfectly acknowledge the propriety of the custom. It is almost the only spot of the face where the touch would not risk a confusion of complexions.

_Miss Als._ He! he! he! what a pretty thought!

_Mrs. Blandish._ How I have longed for this day!--Come, let me put an end to ceremony, and join the hands of the sweetest pair that ever nature and fortune marked for connexion.

[_Joins their Hands._

_Miss Als._ Thank you, my good Blandish, though I was determined to break the ice, Lady Emily, in the first place I met you. But you were not at Lady Dovecourt's last night.

_Lady E._ [_Affectedly._] No, I went home directly from the Opera: projected the revival of a cap: read a page in the trials of Temper; went to bed and dreamed I was Belinda in the Rape of the Lock.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Elegant creature!

_Miss Als._ [_Aside._] I must have that air, if I die for it. [_Imitating._] I too came home early; supped with my old gentleman; made him explain my marriage articles, dower, and heirs entail; read a page in a trial of divorce, and dreamed of a rose-colour equipage, with emblems, of Cupids issuing out of coronets.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Oh, you sweet twins of perfection----what equality in every thing! I have thought of a name for you--The Inseparable Inimitables.

_Miss Als._ I declare I shall like it exceedingly--one sees so few uncopied originals--the thing I cannot bear--

_Lady E._ Is vulgar imitation--I must catch the words from your mouth, to show you how we agree.

_Miss Als._ Exactly. Not that one wishes to be without affectation.

_Lady E._ Oh! mercy forbid!

_Miss Als._ But to catch a manner, and weave it, as I may say, into one's own originality.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Pretty! pretty!

_Lady E._ That's the art--Lord, if one lived entirely upon one's own whims, who would not be run out in a twelvemonth?

_Miss Als._ Dear Lady Emily, don't you dote upon folly?

_Lady E._ To ecstacy. I only despair of seeing it well kept up.

_Miss Als._ I flatter myself there is no great danger of that.

_Lady E._ You are mistaken. We have, 'tis true, some examples of the extravaganza in high life, that no other country can match; but withal, many a false sister, that starts as one would think, in the very heyday of the fantastic, yet comes to a stand-still in the midst of the course.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Poor, spiritless creatures!

_Lady E._ Do you know there is more than one duchess who has been seen in the same carriage with her husband--like two doves in a basket, in the print of Conjugal Felicity; and another has been detected--I almost blush to name it--

_Mrs. Blandish._ Bless us! where? and how? and how?

_Lady E._ In nursing her own child!

_Miss Als._ Oh! barbarism!----For heaven's sake let us change the subject. You were mentioning a revived cap, Lady Emily; any thing of the Henry Quatre?

_Lady E._ Quite different. An English mob under the chin, and artless ringlets, in natural colour, that shall restore an admiration for Prior's Nut-brown Maid.

_Miss Als._ Horrid! shocking!

_Lady E._ Absolutely necessary. To be different from the rest of the world, we must now revert to nature: Make haste, or you have so much to undo, you will be left behind.

_Miss Als._ I dare say so. But who can vulgarize all at once? What will the French say?

_Lady E._ Oh, we shall have a new treaty for the interchange of fashions and follies, and then say, they will complain, as they do of other treaties, that we out manufactured them.

_Miss Als._ Fashions and follies! O what a charming contention!

_Lady E._ Yes, and one, thank Heaven, so perfectly well understood on both sides, that no counter declaration will be wanted to explain it.

_Miss Als._ [_With an affected drop of her Lip in her Laugh._] He! he! he! he! he! he!

_Lady E._ My dear Miss Alscrip, what are you doing? I must correct you as I love you. Sure you must have observed the drop of the under lip is exploded since Lady Simpermode broke a tooth--[_Sets her Mouth affectedly._]--I am preparing the cast of the lips for the ensuing winter----thus--It is to be called the Paphian mimp.

_Miss Als._ [_Imitating._] I swear I think it pretty--I must try to get it.

_Lady E._ Nothing so easy. It is done by one cabalistical word, like a metamorphosis in the fairy tales. You have only, when before your glass, to keep pronouncing to yourself nimini-pimini--the lips cannot fail taking their plie.

_Miss Als._ Nimini--pimini--imini, mimini--oh, it's delightfully infantine--and so innocent, to be kissing one's own lips.

_Lady E._ You have it to a charm--does it not become her infinitely, Mrs. Blandish?

_Mrs. Blandish._ Our friend's features must succeed in every grace! but never so much as in a quick change of extremes.

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Madam, Lord Gayville desires to know if you are at home?

_Miss Als._ A strange formality!

_Lady E._ [_Aside._] No brother ever came more opportunely to a sister's relief, "I have fooled it to the top of my bent."

_Miss Als._ Desire Miss Alton to come to me. [_Exit SERVANT._] Lady Emily, you must not blame me; I am supporting the cause of our sex, and must punish a lover for some late inattentions--I shall not see him.

_Lady E._ Oh cruel!

[_Sees MISS ALTON._

_Enter MISS ALTON._

Miss Alscrip, you have certainly the most elegant companion in the world.

_Miss Als._ Dear, do you think so? an ungain, dull sort of a body, in my mind; but we'll try her in the present business. Miss Alton, you must do me a favour.--I want to plague my husband that is to be--you must take my part--you must double me like a second actress at Paris, when the first has the vapours.

_Miss Alton._ Really, madam, the task you would impose upon me--

_Miss Als._ Will be a great improvement to you, and quite right for me.--Don't be grave, Lady Emily--[_Whose attention is fixed on MISS ALTON._] Your brother's penance shall be short, and I'll take the reconciliation scene upon myself.

_Lady E._ [_Endeavouring to recover herself._] I cannot but pity him; especially as I am sure, that do what you will, he will always regard you with the same eyes. And so, my sweet sister, I leave him to your mercy, and to that of your representative, whose disposition, if I have any judgment, is ill suited to a task of severity.

_Mrs. Blandish._ Dear Lady Emily, carry me away with you. When a lover is coming, it shall never be said I am in the way.

_Lady E._ [_Looking at MISS ALTON.--Aside._] What a painful suspense am I to suffer? another instant, and I shall betray myself--adieu, Miss Alscrip.

_Miss Als._ Call Lady Emily's servants.

_Lady E._ You sha'n't stir--remember nimini primini. I am at your orders.

[_Exit._

_Mrs. Blandish._ I follow you, my sweet volatile. [_Coming back, and squeezing MISS ALSCRIP's Hand, in a half whisper._] She'd give her eyes, to be like you.

[_Exit._

_Miss Als._ Now for it, Miss Alton--Only remember that you are doubling me, the woman he adores.

_Miss Alton._ Indeed, madam, I am quite incapable of executing your orders to your satisfaction. The utmost I can undertake is a short message.

_Miss Als._ Never fear. [_Knock at the Door._] There he comes--Step aside, and I'll give you your very words.

[_Exeunt._

_Enter LORD GAYVILLE, conducted by a SERVANT._

_Lord G._ So, now to get thorough this piece of drudgery. There's a meanness in my proceeding, and my compunction is just. Oh, the dear, lost possessor of my heart; lost, irrecoverably lost!

_Enter MISS ALTON, from the Bottom of the Scene._

_Miss Alton._ A pretty employment I am sent upon!

_Lord G._ [_To himself._] Could she but know the sacrifice I am ready to make!

_Miss Alton._ [_To herself._] The very picture of a lover, if absence of mind marks one. It is unpleasant for me to interrupt a man I never saw, but I shall deliver my message very concisely.--My lord----

_Lord G._ [_Turning._] Madam. [_Both start and stand in surprise._] Astonishment! Miss Alton! my charming fugitive?

_Miss Alton._ How, Mr. Heartly--Lord Gayville!

_Lord G._ My joy and my surprise are alike unutterable. But I conjure you, madam, tell me by what strange circumstance do I meet you here?

_Miss Alton._ [_Aside._] Now assist me, honest pride! assist me, resentment.

_Lord G._ You spoke to me--Did you know me?

_Miss Alton._ No otherwise, my lord, than as Miss Alscrip's lover. I had a message from her to your lordship.

_Lord G._ For Heaven's sake, madam, in what capacity?

_Miss Alton._ In one, my lord, not very much above the class of a servant.

_Lord G._ Impossible, sure! It is to place the brilliant below the foil--to make the inimitable work of nature secondary to art and defect.

_Miss Alton._ It is to take refuge in a situation that offers me security against suspicious obligation; against vile design; against the attempts of a seducer--It is to exercise the patience, that the will, and perhaps the favour, of Heaven meant to try.

_Lord G._ Cruel, cruel to yourself and me--Could I have had a happiness like that of assisting you against the injustice of fortune--and when to be thus degraded was the alternative?--

_Miss Alton._ My lord, it is fit I should be explicit. Reflect upon the language you have held to me; view the character in which you present yourself to this family; and then pronounce in whose breast we must look for a sense of degradation.

_Lord G._ In mine, and mine alone. I confess it--Hear nevertheless my defence--My actions are all the result of love. And culpable as I may seem, my conscience does not reproach me with----

_Miss Alton._ Oh, my lord, I readily believe you--You are above its reproaches--qualities, that are infamous and fatal, in one class of life, create applause and conscientious satisfaction in another.

_Lord G._ Infamous and fatal qualities! What means my lovely accuser?

_Miss Alton._ That to steal or stab is death in common life: but when one of your lordship's degree sets his hard heart upon the destruction of a woman, how glorious is his success! How consummate his triumph, when he can follow the theft of her affections by the murder of her honour.

_Enter MISS ALSCRIP softly behind._

_Miss Als._ I wonder how it goes on.

_Lord G._ Exalted! Adorable woman!

_Miss Als._ Adorable! Ay, I thought how 'twould be!

_Lord G._ Hear me! I conjure you--

_Miss Als._ Not a word, if she knows her business.

_Miss Alton._ My lord! I have heard too much.

_Miss Als._ Brava. I could not have played it better myself.

_Lord G._ Oh! Still more charming than severe.

[_Kneels._

_Miss Als._ Humph! I hope he means me, though.

_Lord G._ The character in which you see me here makes me appear more odious to myself, if possible, than I am to you.

_Miss Als._ [_Behind._] By all that's treacherous I doubt it.

_Miss Alton._ Desist, my lord----Miss Alscrip has a claim.----

_Miss Als._ Ay, now for it.

_Lord G._ By Heaven, she is my aversion. It is my family, on whom I am dependent, that has betrayed me into these cursed addresses.--Accept my contrition--pity a wretch struggling with the complicated torments of passion, shame, penitence and despair.

_Miss Als._ [_Comes forward--all stand confused._] I never saw a part better doubled in my life!

_Lord G._ Confusion! What a light do I appear in to them both! How shall I redeem myself, even in my own opinion?

_Miss Als._ [_Looking at LORD GAYVILLE._] Expressive dignity!--[_Looking at MISS ALTON._] Sweet simplicity! Amiable diffidence!----"She should execute my commands most awkwardly."

_Lord G._ [_Aside._] There is but one way.--[_To MISS ALSCRIP._] Madam, your sudden entrance has effected a discovery which with shame I confess ought to have been made before--The lady, who stands there, is in possession of my heart. If it is a crime to adore her, I am the most guilty wretch on earth--Pardon me if you can; my sincerity is painful to me--But in this crisis it is the only atonement I can offer.

[_Bows and exit._

_Miss Als._ [_After a Pause._] Admirable!--Perfect! The most finished declaration, I am convinced, that ever was made from beggarly nobility to the woman that was to make his fortune--the lady, who stands there--the lady--Madam--I am in patient expectation for the sincerity of your ladyship's atonement.

_Miss Alton._ I am confounded at the strange occurrences that have happened; but be assured you see in me an innocent and most unwilling rival.

_Miss Als._ Rival! better and better!--You--you give me uneasiness? You moppet--you coquet of the side table to catch the gawkey heir of the family, when he comes from school at Christmas--You--you you vile seducer of my good old honoured father; [_Cries--In a passion again._] What, is my lady dumb? Hussy? Have you the insolence to hold your tongue?

_Miss Alton._ Madam, I just now offered to justify this scene; I thought it the part of duty to myself, and respect to you. But your behaviour has now left but one sentiment upon my mind.

_Miss Als._ And what is that, madam?

_Miss Alton._ [_With pointed expression._] Scorn.

[_Exit._

_Miss Als._ Was there ever any thing like this before?--and to a woman of my fortune?--I to be robbed of a lover--and that a poor lord too--I'll have the act revived against witchcraft; I'll have the minx tried--I'll--I'll--I'll----

[_Exit._

SCENE III.

_ALSCRIP's Room of Business._

_ALSCRIP and RIGHTLY._

_Rightly._ Upon all these matters, Mr. Alscrip, I am authorized by my client, Sir Clement Flint, to agree. There remains nothing but your favouring me with the inspection of the Charlton title-deeds, and your daughter's settlements may be engrossed.

_Alscrip._ I cannot conceive, my friend Rightly, any such inspection to be requisite. Have not I been in constant quiet possession?

_Rightly._ Sir Clement insists upon it.

_Alscrip._ A client insist! and you, an old practitioner, suffer such a demur to your infallibility!--Ah! in my practice I had the sure means of disappointing such dabblers and divers into their own cases.

_Rightly._ How, pray?

_Alscrip._ I read his writings to him myself.--I was the best reader in Chancery-lane for setting the understanding at defiance--Drew breath but once in a quarter of an hour, always in the wrong place, and made a single sentence of six skins of parchment--Shall I give you a specimen?

_Rightly._ [_Smiling._] I have no doubt of your talent.

_Alscrip._ Then return to Sir Clement, and follow my example.

_Rightly._ No, Mr. Alscrip, though I acknowledge your skill, I do not subscribe to your doctrine. The English law is the finest system of ethics, as well as government, that ever the world produced, and it cannot be too generally understood.

_Alscrip._ Law understood! Zounds! would you destroy the profession!

_Rightly._ No, I would raise it. Had every man of sense the knowledge of the theory, to which he is competent; the practice would revert to the purity of its institution, maintain the rights, and not promote the knavery, of mankind.

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] Plaguy odd maxims.--Sure he means to try me--[_To him._] Brother Rightly, we know the world and are alone--I have locked the door.

[_In a half whisper._

_Rightly._ A very useless precaution. I have not a principle nor a proceeding that I would not proclaim at Charing Cross.

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] No! then I'll pronounce you the most silly, or the most impudent fellow of the fraternity.

_Rightly._ But where are these writings? You can have no difficulty in laying your hand upon them, for I perceive you keep things in a distinguished regularity.

_Alscrip._ Yes, I have distinct repositories for all papers, and especially title deeds--Some in drawers--Some in closets--[_Aside._] and a few under ground.

_Miss Als._ [_Rattling at the Door._] What makes you lock the door, sir? I must speak to you this instant.

_Alscrip._ One moment, child, and I'll be ready for you.

[_Turning again to RIGHTLY, as to dissuade him._

_Rightly._ [_Coolly._] If the thoughts of the wedding-day make any part of the young lady's impatience, you take a bad way, Mr. Alscrip, to satisfy it; for I tell you plainly our business cannot be completed till I see these writings.

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] Confound the old hound--how he sticks to his scent!

[_MISS ALSCRIP still at the Door._

_Alscrip._ I am coming, I tell you. [_Opens a Bureau in a confused hurry, shuffles Papers about, puts one into RIGHTLY's Hand._] There, if this whim must be indulged, step into the next room--You, who know the material parts of a parchment lie in a nutshell, will look it over in ten minutes.

[_Puts him into another Room._

_Miss Als._ I won't wait another instant, whatever you are about--Let me in----

_Alscrip._ [_Opening the Door._] Sex and vehemence! What is the matter now?

_Enter MISS ALSCRIP in the most violent emotion._

_Miss Als._ So, sir; yes, sir; you have done finely by me indeed, you are a pattern for fathers--a precious match you had provided!

[_Walking about._

_Alscrip._ What the devil's the matter?

_Miss Als._ [_Running on._] I, that with 50,000 independent pounds, left myself in a father's hands--a thing unheard of, and waited for a husband with unparalleled patience till I was of age----

_Alscrip._ What the devil's the matter?

_Miss Als._ [_Following him about._] I, that at fourteen might have married a French Marquis, my governess told me he was--for all he was her brother----

_Alscrip._ 'Gad a mercy, governess----

_Miss Als._ And as for commoners, had not I the choice of the market? And the handsome Irish Colonel at Bath, that had carried off six heiresses before, for himself and friends, and would have found his way to Gretna-green blindfold!

_Alscrip._ [_Aside._] 'Gad I wish you were there now, with all my heart--What the devil is at the bottom of all this?

_Miss Als._ Why, Lord Gayville is at the bottom--And your hussy, that you was so sweet upon this rooming, is at the bottom; a treacherous minx!--I sent her only for a little innocent diversion, as my double----

_Alscrip._ Your what?

_Miss Als._ Why, my double, to vex him.

_Alscrip._ Double! this is the most useless attendant you have had yet.--'Gad I'll start you single handed in the art of vexation against any ten women in England!

_Miss Als._ I caught them, just as I did you, with your----

_Alscrip._ Is that all? 'Gad I don't see much in that.

_Miss Als._ Not much? what, a woman of my fortune and accomplishments turned off--rejected--renounced----

_Alscrip._ How! renounced?--has he broke the contract?----Will you prove he has broke the contract?

_Miss Als._ Ay. Now, my dear papa, you take a tone that becomes you; now the blood of the Alscrips rises;--rises as it ought; you mean to fight him directly, don't you?

_Alscrip._ O yes, I'm his man--I'll show you a lawyer's challenge, sticks and staves, guns, swords, daggers, poinards, knives, scissors and bodkins. I'll put more weapons into a bit of paper, six inches square, than would stock the armory of the Tower.

_Miss Als._ Pistols!----Don't talk to me of any thing but pistols,--my dear papa, who shall be your second?

_Alscrip._ I'll have two----John Doe, and Richard Roe----as pretty fellows as any in England to see fair play, and as used to the differences of good company.--They shall greet him with their fieri facias----so don't be cast down, Molly, I'll answer for damages, to indemnify our loss of temper and reputation--he shall have a fi-fa before to-morrow night.

_Miss Als._ Fiery faces and damages--What does your Westminster-hall gibberish mean?--Are a woman's feelings to be satisfied with a fie-fa--you old insensible--you have no sense of family honour--no tender affections.

_Alscrip._ 'Gad you have enough for us both, when you want your father to be shot through the head--but stand out of the way, here's a species of family honour more necessary to be taken care of--If we were to go to law, this would be a precious set off against us. [_Takes up the Deed, as if to lock it up._] This--why what the devil--I hope I don't see clear--Curse and confusion, I have given the wrong one--Here's fine work--Here's a blunder--Here's the effect of a woman's impetuosity.

_Miss Als._ Lord, what a fuss you are in: what is in the old trumpery scroll?

_Alscrip._ Plague and parchment, old Rightly will find what's in it, if I don't interrupt him--Mr. Rightly--Mr. Rightly--Mr. Rightly----

[_Going to the Door RIGHTLY went out at._

_Enter SERVANT._

_Serv._ Sir, Mr. Rightly is gone.

_Alscrip._ Gone! whither?

_Serv._ Home, I believe, sir----He came out at the door into the hall, and he bade me tell your honour you might depend upon his reading over the deed with particular care.

_Alscrip._ Fire and fury, my hat and cane--[_Exit SERVANT._] Here, my hat and cane.

[_Stamps about._

_Miss Als._ Sir, I expect before you come home--

_Alscrip._ Death and devils, expect to be ruined----this comes of listening to you----The sex hold the power of mischief by prescription--Zounds!--Mischief--Mischief--is the common law of womankind.

[_Exit in a rage._

_Miss Als._ Mercy on us--I never saw him more provoked, even when my mother was alive!

[_Exit._