Chapter XLIV: Book III (3)

Cervantes has been frequently caught napping, and here in particular:
How could this be any proof of the antiquity of ruffs, when the
adventure happened after the first part of Don Quixote was published?
But, perhaps, this is no other than an ironical animadversion upon the
trifling discoveries of antiquarians.

CHAP. XIII.
GIVING AN ACCOUNT OF THE MANNER IN WHICH SANCHO PANZA
TOOK POSSESSION OF HIS ISLAND, AND BEGAN HIS ADMINISTRATION.

O Thou! perpetual explorer of the antipodes, torch of nature, eye of Heaven, and agreeable motive for wine-cooling jars, Thymbrius here, Phœbus there, archer in one place, physician in another, father of poetry, and inventor of musick; thou who always risest, but never settest, although thou seemest to set. Thee I invoke, O sun! by whose assistance man is by man engendered; thee I implore, that thou would’st favour and enlighten the obscurity of my genius, and enable me to write with precision an account of the great Sancho Panza’s administration: for, without thy aid, I find myself lukewarm, feeble, and confused.

To begin, then: Sancho, with his whole retinue, arrived at a town containing about a thousand inhabitants, one of the best in the duke’s possession; which they told Sancho was called the Island Barataria, either because the name of the place was really Barataria, or because he had very cheaply purchased the government[187]. When he reached the gates of the town, which was walled, the magistrates came forth to receive him, the bells were set a ringing, and the inhabitants, with expressions of universal joy, conducted him with vast pomp to the great church, in order to return thanks to Heaven for his safe arrival; then, with some ridiculous ceremonies, they delivered to him the keys of the town, and admitted him as perpetual governor of the Island Barataria.

The equipage, matted beard, corpulency, and diminutive stature of the new governor, furnished food for admiration to every body who did not know the juggle of the contrivance; aye, and even to those acquainted with the mystery, who were not a few. In fine, they carried him from the church to the town-hall, and placing him upon the bench, the duke’s steward addressed himself to the governor in these words: ‘It is an ancient custom in this famous island, my lord governor, that he who comes to take possession of it is obliged to answer some difficult and intricate question that shall be put to him, and by his response the inhabitants feel the pulse of their new governor’s genius, according to which they rejoice or repine at his arrival.’ While the steward pronounced this address, Sancho was contemplating a number of large letters written upon the wall that fronted his tribunal, and as he could not read, he desired to know the meaning of that painting on the wall. ‘In that place, my lord,’ replied the steward, ‘is written and recorded, the day on which your excellency has taken possession of this island, for the inscription runs, On such a day and such a month, Signior Don Sancho Panza took possession of this island, and long may he enjoy the government thereof.’—‘And whom do they call Don Sancho Panza?’ said the governor. ‘Who, but your excellency,’ answered the steward; ‘for this island never saw any other Panza than him who sits on that tribunal.’—‘Take notice, then, brother,’ replied Sancho, ‘that Don belongs not to me, nor did it ever belong to any of my generation. Simple Sancho is my name; so was my father called, and so my grandfather; and they were all Panzas, without addition of Don or Donna; and I begin to imagine there are as many Dons as stones in this island; but no more of that: God knows my meaning; and peradventure, if my government lasts above three days, I shall weed out these Dons, which, from their swarms, must be as troublesome as vermin. But pray, Mr. Steward, proceed with your question, which I shall answer to the best of my understanding, whether the townsmen should repine or not repine.’

At that instant two men entered the hall, one in the habit of a labouring man, and the other a taylor with shears in his hand, who, approaching the bench, ‘My lord governor,’ said he, ‘this countryman and I are come before your lordship about an affair which I am going to explain. This honest man comes yesterday to my shop—for, saving your presence, I am an examined taylor, God be praised! and putting a remnant of cloth in my hand, “Gaffer,” said he, “is there stuff enough here to make me a cap?” I having handled the piece, replied, “Yes.” Now he supposing, as I suppose, and to be sure it was a right supposition, that I wanted to cabbage part of the stuff, grounding his suspicion on his own deceit, and the bad character of us taylors, desired I would see if there was enough for two caps; and I, guessing his thoughts, answered, “Yes.” And so my gentleman, persisting in his first and evil intention, went on adding cap to cap; and I proceeded to answer Yes upon Yes, until the number increased to five caps. This very moment he called for them; and when I produced them, he not only refused to pay me for my work, but even demanded that I should either restore the cloth, or pay him the price of it.’—‘Is this really the case, brother?’ said Sancho. ‘Yes, my lord,’ replied the countryman; ‘but I beg your lordship would order him to shew what sort of caps he has made.’—‘With all my heart,’ cried the taylor; who immediately pulling out his hand from under his cloak, produced five small caps fixed upon the tops of his four fingers and thumb; saying, ‘Here are the five caps which this honest man desired me to make; as I shall answer to God and my own conscience, there is not a scrap of the stuff remaining; and I am willing to submit the work to the inspection of the masters of the company.’ All the people in court laughed at the number of caps, and the novelty of the dispute, which Sancho having considered for a few moments, ‘Methinks,’ said he, ‘this suit requires no great discussion, but may be equitably determined out of hand: and therefore my determination is, that the taylor shall lose his work, and the countryman forfeit his cloth; and that the caps shall be distributed among the poor prisoners, without farther hesitation.’

If the sentence he afterwards passed upon the herdsman’s purse excited the admiration of the spectators, this decision provoked their laughter: nevertheless, they executed the orders of their governor, before whom two old men now presented themselves, one of them having a cane, which he used as a walking-staff. The other making up to the governor, ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘some time ago, I lent this man ten crowns of gold, to oblige and assist him in an emergency, on condition that he should pay them upon demand; and for a good while I never asked my money, that I might not put him to greater inconvenience in repaying than that which he felt when he borrowed the sum; but as he seemed to neglect the payment entirely, I have demanded the money again and again, and he not only refuses to refund, but also denies that I ever lent him the ten crowns; or, if I did, he says he is sure they were repaid: now, I having no witnesses to prove the loan, nor he evidence of the re-payment, for indeed they never were repaid, I entreat your lordship to take his oath; and if he swears the money was returned, I here forgive him the debt, in the presence of God.’—‘What have you to say to this charge, honest gaffer with the staff?’ said Sancho. ‘My lord,’ replied the senior, ‘I confess he lent me the money; and since he leaves the matter to my oath, if your lordship will lower your rod of justice, I will make affidavit, that I have really and truly returned, and repaid the sum I borrowed.’ The governor accordingly lowering his wand, the defendant desired the plaintiff to hold his cane until he should make oath, because it incumbered him; then laying his hand upon the cross of the rod, he declared that the other had indeed lent him those ten crowns which he now demanded; but that he, the borrower, had returned them into the lender’s own hand, and he supposed he dunned him in this manner, because he had forgot that circumstance. This oath being administered, the great governor asked what farther the creditor had to say to the allegation of the other party. And he answered, that doubtless the defendant had spoke the truth; for he looked upon him as an honest man, and a good Christian; and that as he himself must have forgot the particulars of the payment, he would never demand it from thenceforward. Then the defendant, taking back his cane, and making his obeisance, quitted the court; while Sancho seeing him retire in this manner, and perceiving the resignation of the plaintiff, hung down his head a little, and laying the fore-finger of his right-hand on one side of his nose, continued in this musing posture for a very small space of time: then, raising his head, he ordered them to call back the old man with the staff, who had retired: he was accordingly brought before Sancho; who said to him, ‘Honest friend, lend me that staff, I have occasion for it.’—‘With all my heart, my lord,’ replied the elder, reaching it to the judge: then Sancho took and delivered it to the plaintiff, saying: ‘Now, go your ways, a God’s name! you are fully paid.’—‘How, my lord!’ said the old man, ‘is this cane then worth ten crowns of Gold?’—‘Yes,’ replied the governor, ‘otherwise I am the greatest dunce in nature: and now it shall appear, whether or not I have a noddle sufficient to govern a whole kingdom.’ So saying, he ordered the cane to be broke in publick; and when, in consequence of his command, it was split asunder, ten crowns of gold were found in the heart of it, to the astonishment of all the spectators, who looked upon their new governor as another Solomon. When he was asked how he could conceive that the money was in the cane, he answered, that seeing the deponent give his staff to the other party before he made oath, then hearing him declare that he had really and truly returned the money; and lastly, perceiving that after his deposition he took back the staff, it came into his head that the money was concealed within the cane. And in this instance, we see that governors, though otherwise fools, are sometimes directed in their decisions by the hand of God: besides, Sancho had heard such a story told by the curate of his village, and his memory was so tenacious, in retaining every thing he wanted to remember, that there was not such another in the whole island. Finally, the two old men went away: the one overwhelmed with shame, and the other miraculously repaid; the by-standers were astonished; and he whose province it was to record the sayings, actions, and conduct of Sancho, could not determine in his own mind, whether he should regard and report him as a simpleton, or a sage.

This suit being determined, a woman came into court, holding fast by a man habited like a rich herdsman, and exclaiming with great vociferation, ‘Justice, my lord governor, justice! which, if I find not on earth, I will go in quest of to heaven! My lord governor of my soul, this wicked man has forced me in the middle of a field, and made use of my body as if it had been a dirty dishclout: alack, and a-well-a-day! he has robbed me of that which I had preserved for three and twenty years, in spite of Moors and Christians, natives and foreigners: and have I, who was always as hard as a cork-tree, maintained my virtue entire, like a salamander in the midst of flames, or wool among brambles, to be handled by the clean hands of this Robin Goodfellow?’—‘That must be enquired into,’ said Sancho, ‘whether the gallant’s hands be clean or no.’ Then turning to the man, he asked what he had to say to the complaint of that woman? To this question the culprit replied, with great perturbation, ‘My lord, I am a poor herdsman who deal in swine, and this morning went to market, saving your presence, with some hogs, and the duties and extortions, and one thing and another, ran away with almost all they were worth; and so, in my return, I lighted on this honest damsel on the road; and the devil, who will always meddle and make, and have a finger in every pye, yoked us together. I paid her handsomely; but she, not satisfied, laid fast hold on me, nor would she quit her hold until she had brought me hither: she alledges I forced her; but, by the oath I have taken, or am to take, she lyes; and this is the whole truth, without the least crumb of prevarication.’ Then the governor asked if he had any money about him; and when he owned he had a leathern purse with twenty ducats in his bosom, Sancho ordered him to pull it out, and deliver the whole to the complainant. The man obeyed this command with fear and trembling; the woman received this money, and making a thousand curtsies to all the by-standers, prayed God would preserve the life and health of my lord governor, who took such care of damsels and orphans in necessity. So saying, she went away, holding the purse with both hands, though not before she had examined the contents. Scarce had she quitted the court, when Sancho said to the herdsman, who stood with tears in his eyes, sending his heart, and many a long look after his purse, ‘Harkye, friend! go after that woman, and take the purse from her, either by fair means or force, and bring it hither to me.’ This command was not imposed upon one that was either deaf or doating; for he darted like lightning, in order to put it in execution: while all the spectators waited in suspence to see the issue of the suit. In a little time the parties returned, but more closely engaged, and clinging faster together than before; she, with her petticoat tucked up, and the purse in her lap; and he struggling, to no purpose, to take it from her; so vigorously did she defend her acquisition, crying aloud, ‘Justice, in the name of God and his creatures! Take notice, my lord governor, of the impudence and presumption of this miscreant, who, in the very face of the people, and the middle of the street, wanted to rob me of the purse which I received by your lordship’s decree.’—‘Has he taken it from you, then?’ said the governor. ‘Taken it from me!’ replied the wench; ‘I’ll sooner part with my life than with my purse. I should be a precious ninny indeed! otherguise cats must scratch my beard, and not such a pitiful muckworm as he. Pincers and hammers, mallets and chissels, should not tear it out of my clutches; no, not the claws of a lion; my soul and body shall rather be tore asunder.’—‘It is even so,’ said the man; ‘I submit as the weaker vessel, and own I have not strength enough to recover my purse.’ He quitted her accordingly. Then the governor said to the woman, ‘Come hither, my virtuous and spirited dame; let me see thy purse.’ Which, when she delivered it, he restored to the man; and turning to the wench, who was too forceful to be forced, ‘Sister of mine,’ quoth he, ‘if you had exerted the same vigour and perseverance, or even half so much, in preserving your chastity, as you have shewn in defending the purse, the force of Hercules would not have forced you. Be gone, a-God’s name! be gone, I say, with a vengeance, and never more appear in this island, or within six leagues of it, on pain of receiving two hundred stripes. Be gone immediately, you chattering, shameless impostor!’ The woman, terrified at his menaces, sneaked off, hanging her head, and discontented; and the governor spoke to the man in these words: ‘Honest friend, get you home with your money, in the name of God; and unless you are inclined to lose it again, from henceforward avoid all temptations to yoke with any woman whatsoever.’

The herdsman thanked him as sheepishly as he could, and went away, and the audience were struck with admiration afresh, at the judgment and decisions of their new governor; every circumstance of which being recorded by his historiographer, was immediately communicated to the duke, who waited for the account with the utmost impatience.

But here let honest Sancho rest a little; for we are summoned in all haste by his master, who is greatly disturbed by the musick of Altisidora.

Footnote 187:

_Barato_, signifies cheap.

CHAP. XIV.
OF THE DREADFUL CONSTERNATION, AND CATTISH CONCERT,
TO WHICH DON QUIXOTE WAS EXPOSED,
IN THE COURSE OF THE ENAMOURED ALTISIDORA’S AMOUR.

We left the great Don Quixote wrapped up in those cogitations that were suggested by the musick of the enamoured damsel Altisidora. With these companions he crept into bed; but, as if they had been fleas and vermin, they would not suffer him to sleep, or indeed enjoy a moment’s repose, especially when reinforced with the reflection of his wounded stocking. But as time is so light and nimble, that no rub can retard his career, he galloped along upon the hours, and soon ushered in the morning, which was no sooner beheld by the knight, than he forsook the gentle down, and being the reverse of lazy, dressed himself in his chamoy suit. He put on his travelling boots to conceal the misfortune of his hose; threw his scarlet cloak over his shoulder, cased his head in a green velvet cap trimmed with silver, slung his trusty hanging sword in his buff-belt, took up his large rosary, which always depended from his wrist, and with great port and solemnity went forth into the hall, where the duke and duchess, already dressed, stayed for him. As he passed through a gallery, he perceived Altisidora, and the other maiden her friend, who stood waiting for his appearance; and he was no sooner beheld by the love-sick damsel, than she pretended to faint away; while her companion received her in her arms, and with all possible dispatch began to unclasp her bosom. The knight seeing her fall, approached the place where they were, saying, ‘I know whence these accidents proceed.’ And the companion replied, ‘I do not know whence; for Altisidora is the healthiest damsel of the whole family, and I never knew her so much as fetch a sigh from the first minute of our acquaintance. Ill betide all the knights-errant in the world, if they are all so shy and scornful. Signior Don Quixote, I wish your worship would leave the place; for this poor girl will not come to herself while you stand here.’ To this entreaty the knight replied, ‘Be so good, Madam, as to order a lute to be left in my apartment; and, at night, I will, to the best of my power, console this unfortunate damsel: for a speedy explanation in the beginning, is often an effectual cure for those who are indiscreetly in love.’ So saying, he went away, that he might not be observed in conference with the damsels; and scarce was he gone, when the swooning Altisidora coming to herself, said to her companion, ‘It will be requisite to leave the lute; for, doubtless, Don Quixote intends to entertain us with musick, which cannot be bad if he is the performer.’ Then they went and gave an account of what had passed, and in particular of the lute, to the duchess, who was rejoiced beyond measure, and concerted with her lord and her women, how to execute another joke which should be more merry than mischievous. This being accordingly contrived, they with great glee waited for night; and it came posting along in the same pace that brought in the day, which their graces spent in savoury discourse with Don Quixote. On this day the duchess really and truly dispatched one of her pages, who acted the part of the enchanted Dulcinea in the wood, to Tereza Panza, with her husband’s letter, and a bundle, which he had left on purpose to be sent home; and the messenger had particular orders to bring back a circumstantial detail of every thing that should pass between him and the governor’s lady.

This step being taken, and the hour of eleven at night arrived, Don Quixote found a lute in his apartment; this he tuned, and having opened the window, perceived people walking below in the garden: he immediately ran over the strings of his instrument, making as good a prelude as he could, then hemming and clearing his pipes, he with an hoarse, though not untuneful voice, sung the following sonnet, which he had that very day composed.

SONG.

‘Love, with idleness combin’d,
Will unhinge the tender mind:
But to sew, to work, and move,
Will exclude the force of love.
Blooming maids that would be married,
Must in virtue be unwearied:
Modesty a dow’r will raise,
And be trumpet of their praise.
A cavalier will sport and play
With a damsel frank and gay;
But, when wedlock is his aim,
Chuse a maid of sober fame.
Passion kindled in the breast,
By a stranger or a guest,
Enters with the rising sun,
And fleets before his race be run.
Love that come so suddenly,
Ever on the wing to fly,
Neither can or will impart
Strong impressions to the heart.
Pictures drawn on pictures, shew
Strange confusion to the view:
Second beauty find no base,
Where a first has taken place.
Then Dulcinea still shall reign
Without a rival or a stain;
Nor shall fate itself controul
Her sway, or blot her from my soul:
Constancy, the lover’s boast,
I’ll maintain, whate’er it cost.
This my virtue will refine;
This will stamp my joy divine.’

So far had Don Quixote proceeded with his song, which was overheard by the duke and duchess, Altisidora, and almost all the people in the castle, when all of a sudden, from the top of a corridore immediately above Don Quixote’s window, came down a cord to which above a hundred horse-bells were tied; and after these was discharged a whole sackful of cats with smaller bells fastened to their tails. Such was the noise occasioned by the tinkling of these bells, and the mewling of the cats, that even the duke and duchess, who invented the joke, were terrified and confounded, and Don Quixote astonished and dismayed; especially when two or three cats chanced to enter his window, and coursed up and down through his apartment, which seemed to be haunted by a whole legion of devils; for they extinguished the lights, and ran to and fro, endeavouring to escape, while the rope with the large bells was lowering down, and pulling up incessantly; so that the greatest part of the people in the family, who were ignorant of the scheme, listened with fear and admiration. Then Don Quixote starting up, and unsheathing his sword, began to fence with the window, exclaiming aloud, ‘Avaunt, malignant enchanters! avaunt, ye wizzard crew! for I am Don Quixote de La Mancha, against whom your whole power and malice shall not avail.’ So saying, he laid about him among the cats, which had entered his apartments; and they sprung towards the casement, from whence two of them made their escape; but the third, finding itself hard pressed by the valour and back-strokes of the knight, flew at his face, and laid fast hold on his nose with its teeth and claws. The pain of this assault affected Don Quixote in such a manner, that he began to roar with vast vociferation, which being heard by the duke and duchess, who guessed the cause of his cries, they ran instantly to his chamber, which they opened with a master-key; and lights being brought, they found the poor knight endeavouring with all his strength to disengage the cat from his visage. Seeing the unequal fray, they made haste to part the combatants; when Don Quixote called aloud, ‘Let no man part us; but leave me hand to hand with this dæmon, this wizard, this enchanter; and I will make him sensible of the difference between him and me, who am Don Quixote de La Mancha.’ The cat, however, without minding his threats, stuck fast to his nose; but, at length, the duke tore it away, and threw it out at the window; so that the knight remained with his face like a sieve, and his nose in no very sound condition; though he was very much dissatisfied, that they would not suffer him to finish the engagement he had so obstinately maintained with that felonious enchanter.

Oil of Aparicio was immediately fetched, and Altisidora herself, with her snowy hands, applied the balsam, saying in a low voice, as she bound up his wounds, ‘All these misadventures befal thee, hard-hearted knight, as a punishment for thy cruelty and disdain; and God grant thy squire Sancho may forget to scourge himself, that they so much beloved Dulcinea may never be disenchanted, nor thou enjoy her as a wedded wife; at least, during the life of me, by whom thou art adored.’ To all this apostrophe Don Quixote answered not a word; but, heaving a profound sigh, laid himself along in his bed, and thanked their graces for this instance of their concern; not that he was afraid of such a cattish-enchanting and bell-ringing crew, but on account of the kind intention they had manifested in coming to his relief. As for the duke and duchess, they left him to his repose, and went away extremely sorry for the unfortunate issue of his joke; for they did not think Don Quixote would have suffered so terribly by the adventure, which cost him five days confinement in his bed, where he was engaged in another still more diverting, which, however, the historian will not at present recount, that he may return to Sancho Panza, who proceeded in his administration with equal pleasantry and solicitude.

CHAP. XV.
CONTAINING A FARTHER ACCOUNT OF SANCHO’S
BEHAVIOUR IN HIS GOVERNMENT.

The history relates, that from the town-hall Sancho Panza was conducted to a sumptuous palace, in the great hall of which was a royal table, most elegantly furnished. When the governor entered, the waits struck up, and four pages came forth and presented him with water for his hands, which he received with great solemnity; then the musick ceasing, he took his place at the upper end of the table, which was accommodated with one seat only, and a cover for himself alone: while close by him stood a personage, who afterwards proved to be a physician, with a rod of whalebone in his hand. They removed a very fine white cloth that covered the fruit and a great variety of dishes. One who looked like a student, said grace; a page tucked a laced bib under Sancho’s chin, and another person, who acted the part of sewer, set a plate of fruit before the governor; but scarce had he swallowed a mouthful, when the doctor touching the said plate with his wand, it was snatched from him in a twinkling: the sewer presented him with another dish, which the governor resolved to prove; but, before he could finger or taste it, the plate being also touched by the wand, one of the pages conveyed it away with incredible dispatch, to the amazement of Sancho, who, looking round him, asked if he must be obliged to eat like a juggler, by slight of hand!

To this interrogation he of the wand replied: ‘My lord governor must, in eating, conform to the use and customs of other islands where governors reside. I, my lord, enjoy a salary as physician to the governors of this island, and take more care of their health than of my own; studying night and day, and considering the governor’s constitution, that I may be able to cure him, in case he should be taken ill; but the principal part of my office is to be present at his meals, where I allow him to eat what I think will agree with his complexion, and restrain him from that which I conceive will be hurtful and prejudicial to his stomach. I therefore ordered the fruit to be removed, because it is dangerously moist; and likewise commanded the other dish to be conveyed away, because it is extremely hot, as containing a number of spices which create thirst, and copious drinking drowns and destroys the radical moisture, which is the essence of life.’—‘By that way of reasoning,’ said Sancho, ‘that there dish of roasted partridges, which seems to be very well seasoned; will do me no harm.’ To this hint the physician replied: ‘Of these my lord governor shall not eat while there is breath in my body.’—‘And pray for what reason?’ said the governor. ‘Because our master Hippocrates, the north star and luminary of physic, expressly says, in one of his aphorisms, “_Omnis saturatio mala, perdix autem pessima_;” that is, All repletion is bad, but that with partridge worst of all.’—‘If that be the case,’ said Sancho, ‘good Mr. Doctor, pray examine all the messes on the table, so as to point out that which will do me least harm and most good, that I may eat without fear of conjuration; for, by the life of the governor, and as God shall prolong it! I am ready to die of hunger; and to deny me victuals, even though Signior Doctor should prescribe fasting, and say a thousand things in its praise, will, instead of preserving my health, deprive me of life entirely.’—‘Your lordship is very much in the right,’ replied the physician: ‘and to begin, I would not have you touch these ragoo’d rabbits, because they are a sharp haired food: of that veal, indeed, you might pick, a little, if it was not roasted _a la daube_; but as it is, touch it not.’—‘The dish that smokes yonder,’ said Sancho, ‘seems to be an _olla podrida_, and considering the variety of ingredients of which these _ollas_ are composed, surely I cannot fail to light on something that will be both savoury and wholesome.’—‘_Absit!_’ cried the physician, ‘far from us be such a thought. There is not a more pernicious nutriment upon the face of the earth: leave your _ollas_ to canons, rectors of colleges, and country weddings; but let them never appear upon the tables of governors, where elegance and neatness ought to reign. The reason is clear; at all times, in all places, and by all the learned, simple medicines are more esteemed than those that are compound: for in the first, no mistakes can be committed; whereas, in the other, numberless errors may take place, in the quantity and proportion of the ingredients; but what I would advise my lord governor to eat at present, in order to preserve and corroborate his health, is about a hundred confected wafers, and a few thin slices of quinces, which will sit easy on his stomach, and assist digestion.’

Sancho, hearing this prescription, threw himself backwards in his chair, and surveying the physician from head to foot, asked in a grave and solemn tone, ‘What was his name, and where he had studied?’ To this question, the other replied, ‘I, my lord governor, am called Doctor Pedro Positive de Bodewell[188], native of a place called Snatchaway, on the right hand between Caraquel and Almodobar del Campo; and I took my doctor’s degree at the university of Ossuna.’ To this declaration Sancho replied, in a rage, ‘Hark ye, then, Mr. Doctor Pedro Positive de Bode-ill, native of Snatchaway, which is on the right hand as we go from Caraquel to Almodobar del Campo, graduate of Ossuna, get out of my presence this instant, or by the body of the sun! I will snatch up a cudgel, and beginning with you, employ it in such a manner as not to leave a physician on the whole island; of those, I mean, who are ignorant fellows. As for the learned, virtuous, and discreet members of the faculty, I will place them on my head, in token of respect, and honour them as things divine. But, I say again, be gone, Doctor Pedro Positive, or positively I will take up this chair on which I sit, and make immediate application to your skull; and, should I be called to account for it, when I resign my government, I will exculpate myself by proving that I have done service to God, in slaying a wicked physician, who was a scandal to the commonwealth. Let me have something to eat, therefore, or take back your government; for a post that will not afford victuals, is not worth a pease-cod.’

The doctor was frightened at seeing the governor in such a passion, and was going to snatch himself away from his presence; when, at the very instant, their ears were saluted with the noise of a post-boy’s horn in the street; and the gentleman sewer going to the window, informed the governor that there was a courier arrived from my lord duke, with some dispatches of importance. Accordingly the messenger entered the hall, sweating, with marks of consternation in his countenance; and taking a packet out of his bosom, delivered it into the hands of the governor, who gave it to the steward, with orders to read the superscription, which ran thus: ‘To Don Sancho Panza, governor of the island Barataria, to be delivered into his own hand, or that of his secretary.’ Sancho hearing the direction, ‘Who is my secretary?’ said he. One of the people who were present, answered, ‘I am secretary, my lord; for I can read and write, and am a Biscayan.’—‘Nay, with that addition,’ said Sancho, ‘you might be secretary to the emperor himself: open this packet, and see what it contains.’ The new-born secretary obeyed the command; and having perused the contents, told his excellency, it was business for his private ear. Then Sancho ordered every body to quit the place, except the steward and gentleman sewer: accordingly the rest retired, with the doctor at their head: and the secretary recited the letter to this effect—

‘I have received information, Signior Don Sancho Panza, that certain
enemies of mine and of the island, intend one of these nights, to
give you a furious assault; you will therefore be vigilant and
alert, that they may not find you unprepared. I am likewise
informed, by trusty spies, that four persons in disguise have
entered the town, with intention to take away your life, as they
dread the extent of your abilities: be upon your guard, therefore,
examine every person who comes to speak with you, and taste nothing
that comes in a present. I will take care to reinforce you, should
you stand in need of assistance; meanwhile, you will act in every
thing according to the good opinion I have of your understanding.
Your friend,

‘THE DUKE.

‘From my castle, August 16th,

at 4 in the morning.’

This epistle overwhelmed Sancho with astonishment, which the rest pretended to share; and turning to the steward, ‘What is to be done,’ said he, ‘and that immediately, is to confine Doctor Positive in a dungeon; for if any body has a design to take away my life, he is the man; aye, and by the most pitiful, and worst of all deaths; namely, hunger.’—‘True’ replied the gentleman sewer; ‘and, in my opinion, your lordship ought not to eat any of the victuals now on the table, for they were a present from certain nuns; and, as the saying is, The devil skulks behind the cross.’—‘That is a truth not to be denied,’ said Sancho; ‘but, in the mean time, let me have a luncheon of bread, and about for pounds of raisins, which cannot be poisoned: for really and truly, I cannot live without eating; and if we must be prepared for those battles with which we are threatened, at least let us be well fed; for the stomach supports the heart, and not the heart the stomach. You, secretary must write an answer to my Lord Duke; and tell him his commands shall be obeyed to a tittle. You shall likewise make my compliments to my Lady Duchess, beseeching her, in my name, to remember to send an express, with my letter and bundle, to my wife Teresa Panza; in so doing she will lay me under great obligation, and I shall take care to be her humble servant to the utmost of my power. By the bye, you may thrust in a How d’ye to my master Don Quixote de La Mancha, that he may see I am not of an ungrateful leaven; you may, as a faithful secretary, and honest Biscayan, add what you shall think proper, and most likely to turn out to advantage. At present, take away these things, and let me have something to eat; and I shall manage any spies, murderers, or inchanters, that may presume to attack me or my island.’

Here he was interrupted by a page, who, coming into the hall, told him there was a countryman without, who wanted to speak with his lordship upon some business of the utmost importance. ‘Those people of business are strange fellows,’ said Sancho; ‘is it possible they are so ignorant, as not to see that this is not a proper hour for the transaction of business? Mayhap they think, we governors and judges are not made of flesh and blood, and therefore require no time for refreshment, any more than if we were created of marble. As I shall answer to God! if my government holds, (though I begin to perceive it will not be of long duration) I will sit upon the skirts of more than one of these men of business[189]. At present, tell that honest man to come; but, first of all, take care that he is not one of the spies or murderers.’—‘There is no occasion, my lord,’ answered the page; ‘for he seems to be a simple soul, and either I am very much mistaken, or he is as honest as a well-weighed loaf.’—‘While we are present,’ said the steward, ‘there is nothing to fear.’—‘Mr. Sewer,’ said Sancho, ‘now that Doctor Pedro Positive is not here, might not I eat something substantial, even though it should be nothing better than a luncheon of bread and an onion?’—‘This night your supper shall make amends for the defect of dinner, so as that your lordship shall be perfectly well pleased, and satisfied,’ replied the sewer. ‘God grant I may be so!’ quoth the governor.

At that instant the countryman entered the hall, of a goodly presence, and indeed one might have seen that he was an honest soul, even at the distance of a thousand leagues. The first thing he said, was, ‘Which of all this company is my lord governor?’—‘Who should be governor,’ replied the secretary, ‘but he who sits in the chair?’—‘Then, I humble myself before him,’ said the peasant; who, falling on his knees, begged leave to kiss his lordship’s hand. This request, however, Sancho would not grant; but ordered him to rise and explain his business. Accordingly, the countryman getting up, ‘My lord,’ said he, ‘I am a husbandman belonging to Miguel Turra, a place about two leagues from Cividad Real.’—‘What! have we got another Snatchaway?’ cried Sancho: ‘proceed, brother; for I can tell you, that I am very well acquainted with Miguel Turra, which is not far from our own village.’—‘This here, then, is the case, my lord,’ said the countryman; ‘by the mercy of God, I was married in peace, and in the face of the holy Roman Catholick church; and I have two sons now at college, the youngest of whom is to be a batchelor, and the elder is intended for a licentiate. I am a widower; for my wife died, or rather she was killed by a wicked physician, who gave her a purge when she was big with child; and, had it pleased God that the fruit of her womb had come to light, and had been a boy, I would have bred him up a doctor, that he might not have envied his brothers, the batchelor and licentiate.’—‘So then,’ said Sancho, ‘if your wife had not died, or been killed, in all likelihood you should not now be a widower.’—‘No, my lord, by no manner of means,’ answered the countryman. ‘Agad!’ cried Sancho, ‘we are in a thriving way! Pray, go on, brother; for this is an hour more proper for sleep than for business.’—‘Well, then,’ replied the countryman, ‘this son of mine, who is to be bred a batchelor, became enamoured of a young lady of the same town, called Clara Paralina[190], daughter of Andrew Paralino, a very wealthy yeoman; and this name of Paralino does not come from their pedigree, or any family descent; but they have acquired it, because the whole race of them is paralitick; and so, in order to improve the sound, they are called Paralino; though to say the truth, the young lady is a perfect oriental pearl, and when you look at her, on her right side, seems to be a very flower of the field; on the left, indeed, she is not quite so amiable, being blind of an eye, which she lost in the small-pox; and although the pits in her face are very large and numerous, her admirers say, that these are not pits, but graves, in which the hearts of her lovers are buried. Then she is so cleanly, that to prevent her face from being defiled, she carries her nose cocked up, as the saying is, so that it seems to be running away from her mouth; yet, for all that, she is extremely beautiful, for she has a very wide mouth, and if she did not want some ten or a dozen teeth, might pass for a very phœnix of beauty. Of her lips I shall say nothing; but they are so thin and delicate, that if it was the custom to reel lips, they might be made up into a skein; but as they are of a different colour from common lips, they appear quite miraculous; for they contain a mixture of blue, green, and orange tawny. My lord governor will pardon me for painting so exactly the parts of her who is to be my daughter, for I love her exceedingly, and like to dwell upon the subject.’—‘Paint what you will,’ said Sancho; ‘for my own part I am hugely delighted with your description, and if I had dined, should not desire a better desert than the picture you have drawn.’—‘That shall be always at your service,’ replied the countryman; ‘and though we are not at present known to each other, the time will come when we shall be better acquainted. And now, my lord, if I could describe her genteel deportment, and tall stature, you would be struck with admiration; but that is an impossible task, because she is so doubled and bent, that her knees touch her mouth; and yet, for all that, one may see with half an eye, that if she could stand upright, her head would touch the cieling; and she would have given her hand in marriage to my batchelor before this time, if she could have stretched it out, but it happens to be shrunk and withered; though, by the long channelled nails, one may easily perceive the beauty of its form and texture.’

‘Very well,’ said Sancho. ‘Now, brother, let us suppose you have painted her from head to foot; tell me what is your request, and come to the point, without going about the bush, through lanes and alleys with a parcel of scraps and circumlocutions.’—‘Well then, my lord,’ replied the countryman, ‘my request is, that you would give me a letter of recommendation to the young lady’s father, entreating him to give his consent to the match, as the parties are pretty equal in the gifts of fortune, and of nature; for, to say the truth, my Lord Governor, my son is possessed, and scarce a day passes, but he is three or four times tormented by the foul fiend; and, in consequence of having once fallen into the fire, his face is shrivelled up like a skin of parchment, and his eyes are bleared, and run woundily; but yet he has the temper of an angel, and if he did not beat and buffet himself, he would be a perfect saint.’—‘Do you want any thing else, honest friend?’ replied Sancho. ‘I did want something else,’ said the countryman, ‘but I dare not be so bold as to mention it: but, out it shall go; for, take or not take, it shall never rot in my belly. Why then, my lord, I wish your lordship would bestow three or six hundred ducats, to help to set up my batchelor; I mean, to furnish his house; for, the truth is, the young couple are to live by themselves, without being subject to the peevishness of us old folks.’—‘Consider if you want any thing else,’ said Sancho, ‘and speak without bashfulness or restraint.’—‘Truly, I want nothing else,’ replied the countryman. Scarce had he pronounced these words, when, the governor starting up, and laying hold on the chair that was under him, exclaimed, ‘I vow to God, you Don lubberly, rascally rustick, if you don’t get you gone, and abscond from my presence this instant, I will with this chair demolish your scull, you knavish son of a whore, and painter for the devil himself; is this a time to come and demand six hundred ducats? Where the devil should I find them, you stinkard? or, if I had found them, why the devil should I give them to you, you idiotical scoundrel? What a pox have I to do with Miguel Turra, or any of the generation of the Paralino’s? Be gone, I say, or, by the life of my Lord Duke, I’ll be as good as my word; thou art no native of Miguel Turra, but some fiend sent from hell to torment me. Hark ye, miscreant, I have been governor but a day and a half, and you would have me already in possession of six hundred ducats!’

The gentleman sewer made signs to the countryman to leave the place; and he accordingly quitted the hall, hanging his head, and seemingly afraid that the governor would execute his threats; for the rogue acted his part to admiration. But let us leave Sancho’s indignation to cool, and peace attend him in his career, while we return to Don Quixote, whom we left with his face bandaged up for the cure of his cattish wounds, which were not healed in the space of eight days; and in that time an adventure happened to him, which Cid Hamet promises to recount, with that truth and punctuality he has hitherto maintained, in recording even the most trivial and minute incidents of this authentick history.

Footnote 188:

The Spanish name is Pedro Rezio de Aguero; which, together with Tirte
Afuera, the place of his nativity, I have translated into English,
that the humour may be better understood.

Footnote 189:

The original _Ponga en pretina_, signifies, I will put in my girdle.

Footnote 190:

She is in the original called Perlerina, which I have changed into
Paralina, in order to preserve the subsequent play on the words.

CHAP. XVI.
OF DON QUIXOTE’S ADVENTURE WITH DONNA RODRIGUEZ, THE DUCHESS’S
DUENNA—AND OTHER INCIDENTS WORTHY OF ETERNAL FAME.

Exceedingly peevish and melancholy was the sore wounded Don Quixote, with his face bandaged and marked; not by the hand of his Maker, but by the claws of a cat; and, indeed, such misfortunes are annexed to chivalry. Six days did he remain in his chamber, without appearing in publick; and during this time it was, that one night, while he lay watchful and awake, musing upon his disaster, and the persecution of Altisidora, he heard a key turning in the door of his apartment, and straight imagined the enamoured damsel was come to surprize his chastity, and tempt him to forego the fidelity he owned to his mistress Dulcinea del Toboso. On this supposition, he pronounced with an audible voice, ‘No! the greatest beauty upon earth shall never have such an effect as to interfere with my adoration of her, who is impressed and engraved in the midst of my heart, and in the depth of my bowels! No, my dear mistress! whether thou art transformed into a garlick-eating wench, or as a nymph of the golden Tagus, art weaving webs of gold and silver twist: whether thou art in the power of Merlin or Montesinos; wheresoever thou mayest be, mine thou art, and wheresoever I am, I must be thine.’ This ejaculation being uttered, just as the door opened, he stood upright in his bed, wrapped up in a quilt of yellow silk, with a woollen night-cap on his head, his face and whiskers being bound up; the first, on account of the scratches he had received, and the last, in order to preserve the buckle; and in this equipage, he appeared the most extraordinary phantom that the imagination can conceive. His eyes were fixed upon the door, and when he expected to see the yielding and afflicted Altisidora enter, he beheld a most reverend duenna, with a white hemmed veil, so long as to cover her from head to foot. Between the fingers of her left hand she held a lighted candle’s end, and with her right she formed a shade to keep the glare from her eyes, which were furnished with large spectacles; and, in this trim, she came treading very softly, and moving her feet with great tranquillity as she advanced. Don Quixote surveyed her from his post, and marking her silence and appearance, concluded she was some hag or sorceress, come in that equipage to annoy him; and, in this opinion, he began to cross himself with great eagerness and devotion. The apparition advancing to the middle of the chamber, and lifting up its eyes, perceived the knight busily employed in these devout precautions: if he was afraid at sight of her, she was no less terrified at his figure; for seeing him so tall and yellow, wrapped up in the quilt, and disfigured by the bandages, she cried aloud, ‘O Jesus! what do I see?’ and in the surprize dropped the candle. Finding herself now in the dark, she attempted to make her retreat, and treading upon her own skirts in the confusion of her fear, she stumbled and fell to the ground: while Don Quixote, sweating with terror, began to ejaculate, ‘I conjure thee, O phantom! or whatever thou mayest be, to tell me who thou art, and what thou would’st have. If thou art a perturbed spirit, let me know, and I will do all that lies in my power to give thee relief; for I am a catholick Christian, well-disposed to befriend all mankind; and, in consequence of this disposition, I received the order of knight-errantry, which I now profess, and the exercise of that profession extends even so far as to give assistance to souls in purgatory.’

The duenna, bruised as she was with her fall; hearing herself exercised in this manner, guessed from her own fear the terrors of Don Quixote, and in a low and plaintive tone replied, ‘Signior Don Quixote, I am no phantom, apparition, or soul in purgatory, as your worship seems to suppose, but Donna Rodriguez, chief duenna to my Lady Duchess, and I come with one of those necessitous cases which your worship is wont to remedy.’—‘Pray, tell me, Signora Donna Rodriguez,’ said Don Quixote, ‘are you come in the office of a go-between? because, I would have you to know, that I am altogether unfit for any such commerce, thanks to the peerless beauty of my own mistress Dulcinea del Toboso. Finally, I say unto you, Signora Donna Rodriguez, if you will suppress, and lay aside all amorous messages, you may go and light your candle, and return; and we will discourse upon any subject you shall think proper to introduce, saving, as I have already observed, all your dainty incitements.’—‘Signior,’ answered the duenna, ‘I carry messages for no person. Your worship is but little acquainted with my character. Nor am I so stricken in years as to take to those fooleries; for, God be praised! there is still some soul in my body, and my teeth, grinders and all, are still in my head, except a very few I have lost by the rheums that are so rife in this country of Arragon; but, if your worship will wait a minute, I will go and light my candle, and return in an instant, and then I shall recount my disaster to you, as the physician of all disasters upon earth.’