Chapter I: Front Matter

_HUMOUR SERIES_

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EDITED BY W. H. DIRCKS

THE HUMOUR OF AMERICA

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ALREADY ISSUED

_FRENCH HUMOUR_
_GERMAN HUMOUR_
_ITALIAN HUMOUR_
_AMERICAN HUMOUR_
_DUTCH HUMOUR_
_IRISH HUMOUR_
_SPANISH HUMOUR_
_RUSSIAN HUMOUR_

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THE
HUMOUR OF AMERICA

SELECTED, WITH AN INTRODUCTION
AND INDEX OF
AMERICAN HUMORISTS, BY
JAMES BARR. ILLUSTRATIONS
BY C. E. BROCK

THE WALTER SCOTT PUBLISHING CO., LTD.,
PATERNOSTER SQUARE, LONDON, E.C.
CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS,
153-157 FIFTH AVENUE, NEW YORK.
1909.

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CONTENTS.

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PAGE

NOTE xi

MY DOG—_Bill Nye_ 1

KNEE-DEEP IN JUNE—_James Whitcomb Riley_ 4

BAKED BEANS AND CULTURE—_Eugene Field_ 8

THE NICE PEOPLE—_H. C. Bunner_ 12

THE EUREKY RAT-TRAP—C. B. Lewis (“_M Quad_”) 24

THE SCHOOL EXAMINATION—_George Washington 28
Cable_

“WOULDN’T YOU LIKE TO KNOW?”—_John G. Saxe_ 35

THE ARTLESS PRATTLE OF CHILDHOOD—_Robert 38
Jones Burdette_

SPEECH ON THE BABIES—_Samuel L. Clemens_ 44
(“_Mark Twain_”)

ON CYCLONES—_Bill Nye_ 49

OUR CORRESPONDENT HAS THE HONOUR TO BE—_R. H. 51
Newell_ (“_Orpheus C. Kerr_”)

YAWCOB STRAUSS—_Charles Follen Adams_ 61

THE MINISTER’S WOOING—_Harriet Beecher Stowe_ 63

ALBINA MCLUSH—_Nathaniel Parker Willis_ 73

A LONG TIME AGO—_John Barr_ 77

THE PROFESSOR UNDER CHLOROFORM—_Oliver 82
Wendell Holmes_

OUR TRAVELLED PARSON—_Will Carleton_ 85

A RAILROAD “RECUSSANT”—_L. Gaylord Clark_ 91

AN UNMARRIED FEMALE—_Marietta Holley_ 93

THE COURTIN’—_James Russell Lowell_ 103

THE WONDERFUL TAR-BABY STORY—_Joel Chandler 108
Harris_

POMONA’S NOVEL—_Frank R. Stockton_ 111

TEMPEST IN A TUB—_J. M. Bailey_ 128

THE STOUT GENTLEMAN—_Washington Irving_ 131

MY SUMMER IN A GARDEN—_Charles Dudley Warner_ 144

THE QUAKER COQUETTE—_Charles Graham Halpine_ 156

CAT-FISHING—_W. L. Alden_ 158

CAPTAIN STICK AND TONY—_Johnson T. Hooper_ 162

“ITEMS” FROM THE PRESS OF INTERIOR 166
CALIFORNIA—_Ambrose Bierce_ (“_Dod Grile_”)

AN AVALANCHE OF DRUGS 168

MUSIC—_Ambrose Bierce_ (“_Dod Grile_”) 174

MAXIMS—_Benjamin Franklin_ 175

MODEL OF A LETTER OF RECOMMENDATION OF A 176
PERSON YOU ARE UNACQUAINTED WITH—_Benjamin
Franklin_

ECHO-SONG—_Thos. Bailey Aldrich_ 176

COLONEL MULBERRY SELLERS—_Samuel L. Clemens_ 179
(“_Mark Twain_”)

THE OWL-CRITIC—_Jas. T. Fields_ 187

ANNIHILATES AN OBERLINITE—_Petroleum V. 191
Nasby_

AN ECONOMICAL PROJECT—_Benjamin Franklin_ 193

MISS MEHETABEL’S SON—_Thos. Bailey Aldrich_ 199

PECK’S BAD BOY—_George W. Peck_ 216

THE BRITISH KNOCK—_William Austin_ 221

A CAPTIVE MAIDEN 225

MRS. PARTINGTON IN COURT—_Benjamin Penhallon 227
Shillaber_ (“_Mrs. Partington_”)

THE MUSIC-GRINDERS—_Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 228

MISS CRUMP’S SONG—_Augustus Baldwin 232
Longstreet_

A POLYGLOT BARBER—_Samuel S. Cox_ 238

AT THE GIANT’S CAUSEWAY—_Robert Barr_ (“_Luke 243
Sharp_”)

HANS BREITMANN’S BARTY—_Charles Godfrey 250
Leland_

OUR NEW BEDSTEAD—_Frederick Swartout Cozzens_ 253

A QUILTING—_Sam Slick_ 259

A PATENTED CHILD—_W. L. Alden_ 265

A TALK ABOUT TEA—_Frederick S. Cozzens_ 269

OLD AUNT MARY’S—_James Whitcomb Riley_ 273

A PETITION OF THE LEFT HAND—_Benjamin 275
Franklin_

WOMEN’S FASHIONS—_Nathaniel Ward_ 277

THE NEWSBOY—_Joseph C. Neal_ 281

THE BOYS AROUND THE HOUSE—_C. B. Lewis_ (“_M 285
Quad_”)

MR. DOTY MAD—_Eugene Field_ 287

OUR TWO OPINIONS—_Eugene Field_ 289

ONE OF MR. WARD’S BUSINESS LETTERS—_Artemus 291
Ward_

THE SHOWMAN’S COURTSHIP—_Artemus Ward_ 292

YE PEDAGOGUE—_John Godfrey Saxe_ 295

SETTLING UNDER DIFFICULTIES—_Robert J. 298
Burdette_

MR. HIGGINBOTHAM’S CATASTROPHE—_Nathaniel 300
Hawthorne_

GOING TO CALIFORNIA—_Benjamin Penhallow 316
Shillaber_ (“_Mrs. Partington_”)

“ROUGHING IT”—_Samuel L. Clemens_ (“_Mark 318
Twain_”)

THE HEAD-WRITER—_C. B. Lewis_ (“_M Quad_”) 322

PELEG W. PONDER; OR, THE POLITICIAN WITHOUT A 326
SIDE—_Joseph C. Neal_

THE SHAKERS—_Artemus Ward_ 332

“EARLY RISING”—_John G. Saxe_ 340

HOW SANTA CLAUS CAME TO SIMPSON’S BAR—_Bret 342
Harte_

THE BREACH OF PROMISE CASE—_Ralph Keeler_ 362

EPITAPH FOR HIMSELF—_Benjamin Franklin_ 373

THE DUKE OF BRIDGEWATER—_Samuel L. Clemens_ 373
(“_Mark Twain_”)

A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG—_Artemus Ward_ 380

DUET FOR THE BREAKFAST-TABLE—_Charles Graham 385
Halpine_

KITTY ANSWERS—_William Dean Howells_ 387

PUCK—_James Whitcomb Riley_ 395

THE REVENGE OF ST. NICHOLAS—_James K. 396
Paulding_

AN APHORISM AND A LECTURE—_Oliver Wendell 412
Holmes_

APHORISMS—_Thoreau_ 419

AN ENGLISH FUNERAL—_William Austin_ 420

A LOST CHILD 420

AMONG THE SPIRITS—_Artemus Ward_ 422

POETRY AND THE POET—_H. C. Bunner_ 426

A NEW SYSTEM OF ENGLISH GRAMMAR—“_John 427
Phœnix_”

BIOGRAPHICAL INDEX OF AMERICAN HUMORISTS 437

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NOTE.

WHEN the unfortunate man standing on the scaffold was asked by a spectator to make a speech, he said that, considering the interesting programme which had been prepared by their good friend the Sheriff, he could not hope to say anything likely to amuse them. The compiler of a book of humour may recognise a like anxiety on the part of the public to push on to the principal attraction. There arises on his mental vision the eager face of the book-buyer, as he hurriedly skims over the leaves at the commencement of the volume, to find the end of the introduction and the beginning of the humour.

Once upon a time when I was young—in fact, more than eighteen months ago—I wrote an introduction to a volume of American humorous verse. It didn’t say much, but it covered a great deal of space, and looked imposing. The few statements made, however, have risen up and smitten me night and day, and I have never to this moment been able to get away from them. After the volume had been before the public for a few months, I made an everlasting resolve to abstain from all theories, deductions, speculations, prophecies, warnings, and prognostications in regard to any and every humour, whether American or British, new or old, known or unknown. It occurred to me that a new and delightful feature might be added to a book of humour if the reader were permitted the privilege of forming his own conclusions and choosing for himself his favourite among the authors. No doubt many a man has been forced, sorely against his will, to acknowledge, theoretically, the irresistibility of certain writers’ humour, and to spend the best part of his life in trying to see something funny in the writers’ work. No such hopeless task will be imposed by this volume. The different authors included between the covers of this book will speak for themselves. They need no bush.

But instead of writing an introduction for no one to read I have thought it better to arrange a biographical index of American and Canadian humorous writers, giving such pertinent particulars of each author’s life and work as may be of value to the student of American literature. This index will be found at the end of the volume. It comes, it is hoped, within reasonable distance of completeness, and although in the majority of cases the data given is of a broad and general kind, still it is sufficiently explicit to set the student in the way of finding for himself the chief characteristics and work of the different authors. This index, to the best of my knowledge, is the first of its kind that has been arranged, and should at least prove of benefit to any unfortunate compiler who in future ages is asked to prepare a volume of humorous extracts from American authors. The job is a big one now. What it will be if America continues to produce “funny” men at the rate she has done for the past hundred years it is impossible to imagine.

In conclusion, I gladly acknowledge my indebtedness for particulars of the works of many writers to Mr. Oscar Fay Adams’ valuable little work, _Handbook of American Authors_. The dates which appear in this book are chiefly taken from Appleton’s _Dictionary of American Biography_.

J. B.

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THE HUMOUR OF AMERICA.

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_MY DOG._