Chapter II: Part 2

A band of musick then struck up in the assembly-room, one of the largest and handsomest I had ever seen; this was adorned with a gallery for those who did not chuse to dance.—The windows were blinded, and the room illuminated by a number of globes, beside branches of wax candles; we danced and went through all the ceremonies of a ball, or rather ridotto, there being sweet-meats and every other thing elegantly disposed in the buffettos, and about eleven the bell rung for supper which ended at twelve, and then all retired; and every gentleman-lover, was lighted to the scene of delight by his respective sultana. In the morning, I arose and bid my guide who did not dance, nor celebrate any of the mysteries, except taking two or three glasses of wine, to pay the night’s expences, which came in all to no more than a chequin, or nine and six-pence of our money; the cheapest entertainment I had ever met with in my life; for the courtezan herself receives nothing from her lover; and yet they all live in the most accomplished elegance and affluence. The madona, or mother-abbess pays a great rent to the Pope for her license, as do two thousand other houses in this city. What then must all the licensed brothels in Italy pay? this income, thus produced, it is pretended, goes to maintain certain vessels of war to fight against the Turks, but I believe this immense sum centers in the coffers of his holiness, which minds of a tribute arising, formerly in ancient Rome, from the temples of _Cloacina_, imposed by one of the emperors, and which one of his ministers told him stunk in the noses of the people of Rome; the emperor shewed him a great heap of gold, and asked him if that stunk.—no says the minister; why then says the emperor, why should the tap stink which produces so flagrant, so sweet a smell? We left the temple of Venus, and having discharged my guide, and seen every thing worth attention in Leghorn, took ship to visit the _Archipelago_, where are dispersed a great number of islands, small and great. Having set to sea, we were overtaken by a storm, and were drove on shore on an island of which the captain said he knew nothing more than that it must certainly be one of the Arches. This made us cautious of going up into the land, without being armed.

CHAP. XII.

_Discovery of a new Island not to be found in our Maps._

Therefore forty of us (among which I was one) declared our inclination of reconnoit’ring this island: It was rocky, sandy, and therefore desart, which we supposed to be the reason of it’s being never noticed by seamen; for as the Arches are a kind of a serpentine walk on the sea, a Dedalean labyrinth, it is more than possible, it is morally probable, that one thousand mariners in one thousand years, might never be obliged by storm, course, chance, or accident to have entered into the narrow ferry, or ferries, dividing it from forty others, insignificant as itself, which surround it. So that we were not surprized that after searching all the maps, charts, gazetteers, and even the great geographical dictionary for this island, we found all our attempts to find it entirely fruitless and abortive; on the hazard of reconnoit’ring the island, which was not seemingly more than two leagues in length and one in breadth, we took four rounds of cartridge, that in case of an attack, we might be able to facilitate our retreat to the boats; we went up about half a mile into the country, when we could plainly espy without glasses, a great number of the inhabitants on a hill who seemed flocking together to observe our motions, not without seeming apprehension of an invasion, which notwithstand from their numbers compared to ours, they must have laughed at; however, we made friendly signals of distress to invite them down, which they seemed, either not to understand, or to disregard; we then took courage, thinking that they could be no more than a parcel of peasants, or at best a raw militia, so we proceeded to the foot of the hill, but on our advancing so far, and looking forward, instead of having the least retrospect towards the ground we had passed, our small corps was quite surrounded, and made prisoners of war. They took from us our arms, without entering into any discourse with us, and taking the barrels out of the stocks with more dexterity than a gun-smith, they planted them on a rising ground, and returning us the empty stocks, pointed to the artillery they had just planted, with the greatest solemnity and presence of mind, and then making signs that we should depart, dismissed us, still pointing to our gun-barrels, significantly expressing by their silence, (for they said not a word) that our own arms should be pointed against us, if we dared come there again; we were very well satisfied with this discharge, since as there appeared several thousand of them against us poor forty, we prudently did not discharge one piece at them, which might have irritated them to such a degree, as to cut us to pieces; so we made a fine expedition of it, and returned in safety to our boats, which conveyed us on board, where when we appeared with our empty stocks without barrels, we were heartily laughed at by our ship-mates.

Here _Hugh of the Borough_ interrupted _Tom Traveller_, by asking him, what manner of people the natives of the island were, seeing they were so grave, reserved, and silent, to which _Tom_ replied, will you believe me, _Hugh_, every mother soul of them _Monkeys_.—_Monkeys_, I assure you upon the word of a traveller, and ever since from our journal of observations, we have marked down the place, and given it the name of _Monkey-Island_, and it is well known in a true and correct map, since engraved and published.—Now as we cannot attest the truth of this last part of _Tom Traveller_’s relation, concerning either the discovery of this new island, or the circumstantial particulars of their being disarmed, yet this we are sure of, that there are several miraculous events, and as equally unknown islands set down in the maps, charts, journals, voyages, and travels of very grave and credible writers both ancient and modern, whom, nevertheless we do not pretend to discredit, nor do presume to dis-authenticate, since they, bear an equal shew of probability with the relation of _Tom Traveller_, who by his name has a right to stretch as well as those worthy voyagers or map-makers. Here ended his narrative, however, and upon that sole account here endeth the twelfth chapter of our history.

CHAP. XIII.

_The Biographer returns to the history of his own hero, after a
short remark on landing on an enemy’s country._

We would not be understood to reflect any oblique hints, innuendos, or insinuations on our own affairs, by this landing of a single ship’s company on an enemy’s coast, and we desire the politicians to forbear construing the affair of the barrels being taken from the stocks by an army of Monkeys, to the disadvantage of the ministry. Far be it from us to frame any such sly reflections: This landing of forty men, on an unknown island, can bear no analogy to a premeditated plan of harrassing the well-known boast of a well-known enemy. There is so great a disparity between the two incidents, that we hope to be acquitted of this charge, by every wise politician, as it is remote from our purpose to make any such odious comparisons.

We shall resume our respectable history, verily believing, and nearly assured, that when it is read and thoroughly examined by the reviewers, whether monthly, or critical, it will appear, for truth, candor, wit, humour, learning, ingenuity and invention to exceed, either the ancient history of _Reynard_ the Fox, or the modern one of _Pompey_ the little.

_Tom_ the _Cat_, being rejoiced at his releasement, exerted himself that night in the greatest inactivity, according to the philosophic dream of _bis inertiæ_. For he slept heartily and had several pleasant dreams, which _Artemidorus_ never dreamed of, as we do not find one of them in his collection of dreams. His fellow servant lately discharged, had ever since her quarrel fell enamoured of _Tom_’s beauty, and consequently resolved to wheedle him away the first opportunity she could lay hold of. _Tom_, she knew would follow her all over the world, and she thought it was a thousand pities, so fine a fellow as _Tom_ should spend his days with so despicable a wretch as her late mistress, to which species of women, I think they give the common name of a _Brimstone_, and others tack that of a dog’s wife to it.

_Tom_ was now a quarter old, being born on the 21st of _December_ 1751, whence some think he was called _Tom_: However, as his mistress _Clotilda_ was a Methodist, we can give no credit to this surmise. Though he was but three months of age, yet was he gigantic in his stature, being at this age as large, as some old full-grown Cats. His make was of the athletic; his shoulders were brawny, and his hinder parts resembling those of the tyger, but in nothing more did his beauty consist, than in the exteriour, which strikes first, and which saved him from being drowned; for he was beautifully variegated in colour like the leopard, neither two much streaked, nor too much spotted, but finely intermingled on a milk-white ground, the streaks and spots justly proportioned in the most admirable symmetry: His belly and breast were immaculate as the swans, which greatly heightened the characteristic beauty of his face, which looked like that of a fine woman, when she adds half a dozen small patches, disposed with art in such a manner, as to impart an additional strength to each charm. His eyes, which were of the sapphire, had an unspeakable tenderness, mixed with a masculine significancy, and the other appurtenances of his face, his whiskers long and short were of an elegant projection. His constant play-fellow, his tail was of the serpentine spiral, sometimes he would curl it, and then it bore a near resemblance to the streamer of a man of war when the breezes curl it, at the top-mast head. It was _tipt_ with _silver_, like a _verger_, when he introduces one into a pew of the Cathedral. His mien and carriage were stately, august, and solemn, except when he ran, and then neither the _Hind_ nor the _Panther_ could vie with him in fleetness.

Thus formed, thus arrayed in robes of ermin, who could have eyes, and not confess the superiour beauties of _Tom_, in comparison of which all other _Cats_ seemed _Rats_, either in size or excellence. In genius he was a _Mouser_, but many and great were his acquired abilities. The boys, who loved him from a kitten, had taught him to play at leap-frog, but he soon exceeded his young masters by leaping over half a dozen of them standing. They used him to leap over a horizontal stick as high as they could hold it up. They had taught him to pick pockets with his mouth, as well as his paw, by putting a bit of meat or cheese therein, and he was able at length to cap a man of six feet high, by jumping at his hat, and pulling it off with admirable dexterity. It would be tedious to enumerate all his parts, natural and acquired, be it sufficient to say, that he was possessed of all those eminent good qualities, which distinguish the monkey.—One evening, his fellow-servant seized a favourable opportunity, and calling to him, _Tom, Tom_, she turned the corner to be out of sight; he followed the well-known voice, and leapt into her arms; she covered him with her apron, and during the eclipse, he was agreeably entertained with a slice of very fine _Glou’ster_. When she brought him home, she performed the ceremonies of _Extreme Unction_, rubbing the soles of his feet with butter. This extreme unction differs from that of the papists, as the _feline_ is purely _local_, and applied to those extreme parts of the Cat, called the feet, whereas the other is temporal, and applied at the last moments to persons expiring. Those wags, called the casuists, will have it that this temporal application at the hour of death, is in imitation of a heathen custom, common among the Roman Athletæ, or wrestlers, who used to anoint their naked bodies with oyl, the better to _slip_ out of the _gripe_ of their antagonist. But whether this analogy will bear, we leave to those profound theologists, who deal in such learned disquisitions. _Tom_’s new mistress, the better to endear herself to his affections, poured out a libation of sweet milk to entertain him the longer in lapping, that during his perambulations across the room, he might be induced at every stage to visit the fountain-head, which she liberally supplied. And thus _Tom_ became intimately acquainted with his new appartment, and his new mistress, both of which he was so well satisfied with, that tho’ he had known the way, he had not the least inclination to revisit the place of his _Nativity_; and thus he absolutely forgot, or neglected all his _domal_ dignities to the great disgrace of _judicial Astrology_, wherein, however, he very much excelled most of his cotemporaries whether of the feline or human species.

CHAP. XIV.

_Some account of the person, and character of_ Dolly Tinder,
Tom’_s new mistress_.

Here would have been a fair opportunity for some writers, fond of digressions, to indulge their favourite passions, by making, or fabricating a good long chapter upon _judicial Astrology_, but we scorn to swell our book to an enormous size by any such mean expedient, as we do not want matter, (we will not say subject matter, for fear of offending that delicate mythologist, master _Launcelot_, the templar) sufficient to carry on a larger volume, than the present, without having recourse to such low stratagems.

We shall give the reader a concise, and more entertaining chapter on the charms and morals of _Dolly Tinder_, daughter of an eminent lamp-lighter of this metropolis. Her mother was as famous in her branch of business, being a very substantial linen-draper, (as the Welch collier says in the recruiting officer of his wife, poor Mary ——) it being this matrons business to gather rags for the paper mills. Thus born of mean but honest parents, _Dolly_, who, as she grew up, was a jolly bucksom wench, seemed cut out for servitude, and to this she applied herself with indefatigable industry; but unhappily for her among the other places in which she had lived, she was in the sixteenth year of her age, in the employ of a warfinger, in the regions of _Black Fryars_, here it was that she contracted an acquaintance with the water-men, and an amour with one of the lads of the skullers. Many were the voyages she made on the Thames, with her lover, who always refused the least fee, or gratuity for his beloved mistress, as he had reason to expect, she would pay him the fare in another coin. Neither did she prove ungrateful, or unfavourable to his wishes; for before she was in her seventeenth year, she found her stays grow narrower, and narrower, so as not to be able to contain that waist, so often commended for it’s taper symmetry; when those evident marks of her pregnancy appeared, she quitted her mother’s house, and fled for refuge to that of her mother-in-law, who received her as the wife of her son, and she was brought to bed of a chopping boy, which, when she was well, was by general consent, carried by the good old matron to the foundling hospital, and there deposited; whether he is as yet received into the marine society, we cannot be assured, but being begot under _Aquarius_, he may probably one day become an able commander at sea, and be an honour to the element from whence he sprung. The waterman her lover, like his native river, was like all other lovers, liable to inconstancy, so he soon manifested his neglect by a very cold indifference, and once by a severe beating. She was not behind hand with him, for she revenged the insult by immediately throwing herself into the element of _Fire_, and took up with a glass-man. Thus she became again connected to her own family affinities, since her lover had a near correspondence with the occupation of her father,—_Glass_ and _Fire_. As she had lived so long among the _Pleiades_, she now removed her quarters to the hotter constellations, and since her Aquarius with his buckets, was unwilling any longer to quench that flame which he had lighted up in her bosom, she resolved to repel _heat_ by _heat_, choosing her residence under the sultry influence of _Sirius_, the Dog-star; by him she had, during the succession of ten years, a litter of whelps, most of which fell to the lot of the above repository, which as the grave receives the _forlorn dead_, is appointed to receive the _forlorn living_. After so long a cohabitation, and a visible decline in her charms, from incessant child-bearing, it is no wonder if the Glass man, burnt up with the flames of coals, and the flames of love, was now burnt to a cinder, which indeed he was in a metaphorical sense, for he died of a decay, and left her a widow to the wide world, and forlorn-hope.—But _Dolly_ was not so very much fallen into the vale of years, being now twenty-eight, but she retained some reliques of her former beauty, and one day as she was walking across the Temple courts, an old gentleman of the Middle Temple became enamoured of her, and giving her the keys of his chambers, was soon admitted to her embraces, though not to his affections, for she was of too liberal a nature to refuse the repeated sollicitations of several young Templers, with whom she lived successively, being nevertheless constant to each of her paramours, during her legal administration among them. By their bounty, she became possessed of ten pounds, which she generously bestowed on an eminent chimney-sweeper, being unwilling to quit the precincts of her favourite element the _fire_, of which she had so much in her constitution, that some say, she was troubled with Messalina’s failing: But with this Vulcan she did not chuse to live long, being tired of his sooty embraces; she accordingly robbed him, and fled to the Borough, where she actually, and for the first time married a chairman; but thinking this condition of life too humble, she aspired to the coach-box, and having eloped from the Christian beast of burthen, she lived with Automedon, and afterwards entered into the constellation of Auriga, by going into the arms of a waggoner, till at length tired with a variety of lovers, she prudently resolved to turn oyster-woman, and live independant of that monster man, so far as her warm complexion would admit her. She soon grew weary of this occupation of life, and lived with a _Jew_, an old clothes-man, by whose itinerations through Monmouth-street, she became acquainted with her late mistress, and entered into her service much about the æra of our _feline_ history. The other part of _Dolly_’s history the reader has been informed of, and therefore we shall resume the more respectable annals of our Hero.

CHAP. XV.

Tom _is bound apprentice to a dancing master. His great progress
in that genteel Science: His adventures with the Monkeys._

_Dolly_ his new mistress, had lately applied to a register office, where for a shilling paid in hand, a small capital, it is possible to procure the interest of four or five pounds a year. A most wise institution, or rather discovery of some sagacious æconomical personage, who might have made an immense fortune by his invention, had not his envious brethren pyrated him to the great disgrace of government, and discouragement of genius, as well as arts and sciences: Pity it is, that this prudent politician, had not been at the expence of purchasing a patent, to ensure to himself the profits of so great a discovery.

One of these learned Gentlemen, had obtained a place for _Dolly_, who paid the other perquisites, due on being put into possession; I think it is a shilling in the pound, proportionable to the wages; so that if the wages be five pounds, the proprietor of this new acquisition, whether place-man, or place-woman, shall receive no more than nineteen shillings of his, or her quarter’s wages; so that if one of these place-mongers shall procure one hundred such places, in one quarter, (which is but a low computation) he shall receive the gratuity of thirty pounds for his pains, without advancing a farthing capital; how high must then this reasonable profit arise, when the wages or sallaries amount to ten or twenty pounds a year? and yet this lucrative employment is of _modern_ discovery, to the great scandal of our forefathers, who as in the discovery of other arts, and sciences, supinely slept, and never dreamed of such golden advantages. _Dolly_ on going to her new place, was sorely perplexed, what to do with her favourite _Tom_; next to money or man’s flesh, she loved _Tom_, and as the former seemed the more feasible exchange, she pitched upon it as the more eligible; among her _Jew_ acquaintance, during her residence with the _circumcised_ cast off clothes-man, she had recollected her intimate connections, with a young German of the synagogue, on whom she bestowed some singular marks of her affection: He had for several seasons frequented _Bartholomew_ fair, and the _Borough_, and was proprietor of several foreign beasts, as monkies, man-tygers, and others of the minute kind, whom he trained up to his own band, beneath the discipline of the whip and bell, and taught them a thousand feats of activity, and cunning, by means of the very same doctrine which _Richlieu_, the French general, devised to conquer the stubborn _English_ at the intended invasion, and conquest of _England_, viz. _Fear_ and _Hunger_, but which he admirably improved into the sanguinary tenets of downright murder in cold blood, a tenet, worthy the general of a _most Christian King_.

To this _German_, of the _Hebrew_ race, she instantly applied and sold poor _Tom_, under the foster name of apprenticeship to this tyrant king of the _Singeric_ order; if the _Scots_ sold their king for a groat, and _Judas_ his master for thirty silver pennys, how more barbarous in her to sell her favourite, and fellow-servant for an old cast cardinal, to adorn her for her introduction to her new place; but so she did, and poor _Tom_’s indentures were made over a pot of porter, to the disgrace of humanity, much more of female tenderness, in this _black_ deed exceeding the cruelty of Ynkle, who sold his mistress Yarico for an inconsiderable sum. How could she wear this _black_ robe, which every day threw in her face the _blackness_ of her guilt and ingratitude; if she could not recollect the many gambols of his infancy, and the sweeter endearments of his more advanced and adult age, if she could forget the many songs with which he entertained her, both at meals, at work, and in bed, where he often purred her to sleep; sure she ought to think of her fellow-sufferer, and fellow-servant with more compassion than to deliver him into the hands of a savage, among savages, under whose intolerable cruelty he must endure many and severe stripes, beside the accumulated hardships of confinement, and starving.—Unhappy _Tom_! better had it been for thee, ere thy eyes were opened, to have shared the fate of thy brethren and sisters, long since past the sense and feeling of their sufferings.

But we will not dwell longer on so mournful a subject, an event, in itself, of so tragic a nature, as may extort tears from many of our compassionate readers.

The first letter of salutation _Tom_ was taught by his dancing master, was to leap thro’ a hoop, but as he was some months before learnt to leap over the stick by his young school-fellows, he easily went thro’ this exercitation to the no small surprize of his master, who yet imputed this first step to _Tom_’s natural genius; and therefore promised himself all success imaginable from so sensible, and so active a creature. Though _Tom_ had in his younger days often described the _diagonal parallelogram_ circle in pursuit of his own tail, round which he had performed as many _revolutions_ in a _day_, as the _Earth_ does round the _Sun_ in a _century_, yet had he never till now made an _horizontal_ line through the _center_ of a circle. He was next tried in the begging attitude, but in this too he excelled all the quadrupeds that ever came within the jurisdiction of this German posture master, so that in his second lesson, he surprized his master as agreeably as before, and actually followed a piece of meat, which was conducted before him, by way of _precedent_, more erect than many of his bipedal fellow-creatures of the more dignified species; his next instruction was to perform the _gradation_ of a perpendicular ladder of ropes; in this he was somewhat awkward, but by degrees, and as it were by _gradation_, he acquitted himself tollerably well for the first time, and was esteemed as an excellent scholar, and his master boasted of his new pupil’s proficiency with more than ordinary elevation of voice and spirit. By de lord, dat made me, says the _German_, dancing-master, me hav one kot, dat vil bring me more monis, in one, two, three monts, dan all my monkies togeder, me wou’d not give him for one guinea, at dis present time, and fen he is made to my hond, me wou’d no give him for ten. Thus the first day passed to the great credit, and entire satisfaction of his master, who threw aside the whip and bell, believing from such a great docility that he should never more have occasion for it with respect to _Tom_, who was notwithstanding tied up to his respective post, with a good strong whip-cord. But as Dalilah bound Sampson with cords, sufficient as she thought to bind him down to his good behaviour, which he broke as a man would flaxed threads, so in vain did the German posture-master tie up _Tom_ who made a shift to knaw the bands asunder, and give himself liberty; but alas! the door was shut, and he found himself to his great mortification, as close a prisoner as ever; so casting about to find a vent-hole for his escape, he searched to no purpose, and seeing a strange groupe of unnatural figures about him, his curiosity led him to approach them, which he did to their no small surprize and terror, and as they spoke to him in an unknown languague, so he found that conversation, which he desired with his fellow-prisoners, cut off; he first came in a gentle manner, and saluted the old baboon with a loud mew, and was answered with a loud chatter, which at first disconcerted him very much, not well knowing whether the noise he made was a signal of friendship, or antipathy; however, as he judged his fellow-prisoner’s heart by his own integrity, he proceeded, and extended his paw, as it were to play with the old gentleman, which the other bit almost to the bone, and had very nigh disabled poor _Tom_ from ever practising another lesson, this rough return to his good-nature so irritated _Tom the Cat_, that he fell upon _Pug the Monkey_’s leathern jaws which he tore in a terrible manner, and then went round with the whole neighbourhood, not daunted even at the man-tyger’s dreadful form, for Tom had such intrepid courage that he would venture upon the Devil himself in his anger, had he been in the shape of any of those creatures, though it were an _armed rhinoceros, or the Hyrcanian tyger_.

The out cry that was set up in the prison, brought the keeper, who judged that some of them had broke loose and fallen upon the rest, but least of all did he judge his favourite _Tom_’s having slipt his collar, but easily guessed how matters went, when he saw the old baboon, the man-tyger, and the other lesser creatures bleeding. He considered what part he should take, or what measures pursue, in so interesting an affair. He rightly believed that _Tom_ must have been the aggressor, as it was consistent to reason so to imagine. He had got a great deal of money, by his old acquaintance the singerical fraternity, and never had handled a penny piece of _Tom_’s gettings, but then he might possibly get a fortune by so extraordinary and so promissing a genius, beside, thought he, the poor fellow, not dreaming any harm might have come too near them, and so have received the first blow, which he owned was provoking to one of _Tom_’s spirit, but when he saw the creature limping up to him, and his fine coat tore in several places he was confirmed in his opinion, that the battle sprung from the malevolent monkeys, whom yet he thought it hard to chastise as they had suffered sufficiently from the enraged fury of our feline hero. He however took up the whip, and bell and brandished over the heads of the terrified society, taking _Tom_ along with him, as one unfit for such quarrelsome companions, and worthy of a superior destination; he therefore took him up to his own room, and having clasp’d a leather collar round his neck to which he affixed a neat brass chain, he pinned it down to the floor, permitting him a good scope to walk about the room, after this he combed him and examining his legs, he applyed a little butter to it, which _Tom_ by constantly licking, as it was kept constantly greased, soon made a cure of. When he was perfectly recovered the German took abundance of pains in his education, teaching him to walk fast, to run, and to jump on his hind feet, so that _Tom_ at the age of five months, became a perfect adept, and could cut capers higher than mons. —— the French dancer. He in three days made him tumble head over heels, backwards and forwards, and even three Somersets at once. Had he possessed the hands of tenacity like those of the monkey, _Tom_ would have excelled all of that species, taught or untaught. This was a great deficience in _Tom_’s make and form, and as sensible a grief to his master, who would have given ten guineas that _Tom_ had pugs hands, but as the poet says, _non omnia possumus omnes, nec licet cuivis adire corinthum_, and with this scrap of Latin we shall abrutly conclude this chapter, in order to have an opportunity of displaying our learning, and to begin another chapter.

CHAP XVI.

_Tom commences an amour with a young lady of his own kidney.—He
turns actor and makes his first appearance on the stage at
Bartholomew-fair._

Tom was according to the custom of this celebrated place invested with all the requisite apparatus of _Yates_ and _Shuter_. The day was proclaimed by the Lord-Mayor, and the usual solemnities, performed, of which _Tom_ was entirely ignorant. To describe this great festival would be superfluous to most, therefore, for the sake of the few, we shall confine ourselves to the department of _Tom_ the _Cat_. The bill run thus, several pantomime entertainments by a real _Cat_, who excels _Maddox_ on the wire, plays the slight of hand better than —— performs the dexterity of rope-dancing, and tells fortunes; little, very little of this, oh! ingenious reader did _Tom_ the _Cat_, know any thing of it; yet his wise promulgators, thought proper to impose on his supposed wisdom, and on the ignorance of those who had met there to be imposed upon.

The German had however employed a piece of canvass to represent the figure of _Tom_, in his various attitudes, something like those exhibited of _Steward_, _Saunders_, _Maddox_, and Miss _Wilkinson_; attitudes which the _Cat_ never performed.

The populace were drawn in, and more came to see _Tom_ the _Cat_’s performance than that of either _Shuter_ or _Yates_.

When _Tom_ the _Cat_, made his first appearance at Bartholomew-fair, it was not doubted but he would give the greatest satisfaction. The monkeys and their tribe were first introduced to the people, who played their old tricks over and over; but when the people called aloud for _Tom_’s appearance it was then, and not till then, that the sport of the fair begun; they gaped wide, when there appeared several gentlemen of the human species; two by two, then several ladies of the female species, two by two, dressed in robes of mimic tissue; maids of honour in pairs, with white gloves. Next baboon, king at arms, dressed in his regalia, attended by two ushers; next came the ladies of the bed-chamber, followed by two pages of the back-stairs, two train bearers; who bore the princesses coronet on a velvet cushion, adorned with the arms of the _singeric_ order; and in the middle, supported by two _feline_ lords, appeared _Tom_ beneath a canopy of state. He was known, as _Garrick_ is, or as _Barry_ and _Mossop_ was, by the dignity of his steps, and by other marks and badges of his superiority over all the rest. For oh! reader; believe me, who was present at this triumphal procession, that this mock entrance was no more than the artifice of a German, purely invented to deceive you, and to draw you in, whereas, there was nothing worthy to be seen, but the figure and appearance of _Tom_, graced or rather disgraced by the attendance of these _syngeric_ animals.

When he appeared first there was an universal clap of applause, tho’ he neither said or did any thing; he had been taught to make his usual obedience in private, as players study their parts and get one to hold them, to see if they are _gotten perfect_.

The first part he appeared in was in the _jack-scene_, which as it was drawing up, he times the motion, leaping upon it, goes it ever so swiftly, on which he stands till the leads are drawn up. Then, like _Harlequin_, he is seen in the wheel turning a heavy spit, laden with several joints of flesh and fowl, cut out in wood, at length he leaps out of the wheel, and is received by the cook in the frying pan, out of which he jumps into the fire, to verify the good old proverb, _out of the frying pan into the fire_. This fire being painted to deceive, did accordingly deceive the ignorant, but as _Tom_’s feet never felt the heat of it, so did he after many grimaces of the feet (allow me the expression) jump directly on the ladder of ropes placed in a vertical position, on which he descended and ascended better than e’er a minister of them all. The monkeys were put to the trial, but they could not execute like him; in his begging attitude, he collected for his master forty pence, out of a hundred and fifty present; but when he jumped through the hoop on the stage, they all threw down half-pence, pence, and shillings, which he had too much honour to gather up, but left that to his substitute, the German’s wife.

A female cat was then introduced, with whom he was to dance a minuet: This too he performed to the satisfaction of all present; and when the stewards appointed him to lead up the country dances, no person there was more alert or brisk, than he to see that the ladies were properly served with negus, tea, or coffee, as they desired: After this it is said, there was an _Harlequin_ entertainment performed, in which _Tom_ played the part of _Harlequin_, and his mistress or partner that of _Columbine_, to the utmost satisfaction of all the people who visited the German’s booth on this occasion, and some go so far as to say that neither _Shuter_ or _Yates_ had much company that night, as the German had cunningly inserted it at the top of his bills that the character of the _Harlequin_, was to be performed by _Tom_ the _Cat, who never appeared on any stage before_, and the character of _Columbine_ by a young Lady of the _Cat-kind, it being the first time of her appearing in that character_. This is the lady of the feline quality with whom _Tom_ from this happy occasion of playing _Harlequin_ with her commenced an amour.

With this young virgin _Tom_ was locked up by the German, in order to have a fine breed by them. She was of a pure milk white, unspotted as her chastity, had been the favourite puss of a lady not so unspotted as herself; her ladyship seldom went a visiting without her dear _Araminta_, (so she called her;) unhappy for poor _Minty_ she was one summer’s evening diverting herself with catching flies, when this cruel son of Judah took her up, and ran away with her; and though her ladyship advertised her with marks, and tokens, and a handsome reward, yet the Jew locked her up so close, that there never was any tidings of her since, till this respectable history discovered the place of her confinement, and sent _Tom_ to be the knight to this distressed damsel.

On being closetted by this superb beauty, _Tom_ fell deeply ennamoured, as indeed what Cat could withstand her insuperable charms without feeling the flames of love. It is said that his passion for her gave him a poetical turn, and produced these lines of the feline composition.

On the Charms of MINTY the CAT, written by her lover TOM,

_Minty_, consent to be my bride
And I will quit all Cats beside,
Not the gay kitten in her prime,
Shall tempt my love to waste the time,
On any other Cat but thee,
On any but my charming she,
Let thy cærulean eyes behold
Thy lover _Tom_ to slavery sold,
A prisoner like thyself confined,
Yet to the cares of bondage blind,
So charming _Minty_ will but deign
To let me wear a lover’s chain,
Thy freedom I will ensure,
Thy self from injury secure,
Yes I’ll secure my charming Cat
From the fierce dogs, or o’er grown rats.

If _Minty_ on my faith relies on,
I’ll try each mouse for fear of poison,
Secure from harm, we’ll mouse together
Nor value dog or rat, a feather.
Still in my breast will imprint you
And wear thee in my heart dear _Minty_.

Whether he sat it to music himself, or some other celebrated master framed the vocal composition, we cannot certainly say, but we hear it was sung by a very good voice at the fair in the presence of _Minty_’s self, who doubtless was not a little proud to hear her beauties extolled by her own lover.

_Tom_ was too courtly to attack her any other way, than _en Cavalier_—and she was not so prudish as to cry _Pish!_ like some modern fine ladies, or say—I would not have you imagine me so easy a conquest,—or I am none of those creaters you think me, and such stuff—as his professions were honourable, and as she was conscious of her own beauty, she believed his vows to be unfeigned, and though,

Conscious of her beauty she look’d down
Permitting the admiring sighing lover
Without restraint to feed upon her charms.

Yet, she was not ashamed to confess an equal passion for him, and to repay his love and sincerity, with the surrender of those charms, which none but so handsome a fellow as _Tom_ could either conquer or deserve; we shall here be silent, and draw a curtain over those conubial delights, which we cannot paint: Certain it is, that they were both virgins, and therefore some people may be apt, superstitiously to apprehend that the first child must be a fool; but to falsify that vulgar opinion, we can affirm, that the first child _Minty_ ever had, was the wittiest of the five, of which she was delivered this lying in, and that the last born died of a miserable consumption, contracted in the womb from the imbecility of its texture. However, she was not so delicate or tender as to keep her room for the fashionable month: History affirms, that she killed two lusty mice, eat a slice of bacon, which she lighted on by accident, and went through the part of Columbine two days after delivery. The applause _Tom_ got in the character of Harlequin procured him such a character as the celebrated _Lun_ himself never purchased, with all his feats of activity; nay, this approbation went so far, that several people came to converse and familiarly play with him and actually gave him money, which he put into his master’s hands to keep for him; notwithstanding his confinement grew very irksome to _Tom_ and his young lady, yet he fared very elegantly. He had bread and milk, for his breakfast every day, fresh meat for his dinner, and milk for supper; she indeed during her pregnancy longed for tea, of which the Jew seldom drank any.

To obtain freedom for himself and dear _Minty_, became now the sole object of his attention; it engrossed all his thoughts, and almost interfered with his business. No husband on earth, could love a wife better than he did his _Minty_, but love itself, incompatible with bondage and confinement seemed to give way to the noble efforts for freedom, with which his mind struggled. She indeed was a sharer in his misfortunes, which in some measure sweetned the bitter cup, and alleviated his misery, and though he did not understand Latin, yet he thought with the Roman Poet,

_Salamæn miseris socios habuisse doloris._

As he was taking a walk with _Minty_, he observed a mouse under the bed, and darting at it, he missed his aim, but made a happy discovery.

Not the famous _Erwin_, when he thought he found out the longitude by discovering the immersion of the satellite of _Jupiter_, could be more sensibly affected with raptures of delight, than our hero was on the discovery of a mouse-hole, which led into the next garret. Not _Columbus_, when he found _America_, nor _Cortez_ on discovering the _Indian_ mines of gold could be more overjoyed. He would have cried, ευρηκαμεν, but he happened not to understand the Greek—sure it is he thought it, though he did not express it in terms; but he was no sooner about reconnoitring the place, in order to invest it _vi et armis_, than the door opened, and he was for ever torn away from the arms of his beloved _Minty_. Oh! dire misfortune to lose his mistress, together with the means of escape, and just at the very crisis of the discovery.

So have I known a bard who having happily nicked a line, finds himself embarressed and sorely perplexed to discover a rime to it. He consults _Bysshe_’s Art of Poety, turns over the leaves, and investigates the whole volume to catch the rhime, but in vain—at length he scratches his head, pares his nails with his teeth, and fathoms the depth of his own memory, when, oh! unspeakable! a dun raps at the door, the rhime, just in the point of view, escapes him, and is lost for ever, never alass to be again recovered. It had been some consolation thought _Tom_, with himself, if this interruption was deferred only till I had made the discovery to my charming _Minty_—now she must pine in solitude, and waste the remainder of her widowhood in fruitless anguish and imprisonment; constrained to obey, though reluctant, every summons of her lordly ruler, to frisk, and dance without inclination, for the entertainment of a pitiful mob. Thus he lamented, till he was brought down stairs to be exhibited as a shew; for his extroardinary beauty and the rumour of his many excellent qualifications had drawn several to drink at the house where the Jew lodged, in order to have a sight of _Tom the Harlequin_, as he was now nick-named though other historians, and some commentators differ in this point, insisting that he was more universally called _Harlequin Tom_. Our penetration is not sufficiently piercing to discuss this, or to determine the dispute either in the affirmative or the negative. Many, however, were the encomiums bestowed on the singularity of his shape, his fine skin, and extraordinary stature, the brightness of his eyes, the symmetry of his limbs, the poignancy of his wit, or the agility of his body.

When our hero had gone through his several exercitations, the Jew pinned down his chain to the floor, and sat himself down with the company who had invited him to regale over a pot of beer, which when he consented one of the company who did not come there for nothing, entered into the following dissertation, which the reader will find in the next chapter, and if he chuses to read it through, he will find it none of the most frivolous in the history.

CHAP. XVI.

_A learned dispute concerning the mythology of the word Cat,
between two celebrated dictionary writers, and other of the
literate compilers of words._

From the attempt to build, came the destruction of that stupendous pile, or rather quarry of stones, called _Babel_; hence some linguists say the English word _babble_ from that destruction came the confusion of languages, which our modern dictionary-writers, under the pretence of _distributing_, have thrown all into _pye_, and are now building, or rather rebuilding that mighty fabric of tongues, by piling and compiling every new year, dictionary after dictionary, folio after folio, so that after a successive generation of the alphabet, every letter of which begets a column if not a whole page, we may expect soon to see a babel built of dictionaries, whose top shall aspire unto the clouds, and once more provoke the almighty thunderer, to send down a vindictive bolt which shall once more throw all tongues into their original confusion. There were at the same time of our hero’s being brought down from his dearest _Minty_ about half a dozen of these _Word-wrights_, who after having seen the diverting drolls of _Shuter_ and _Yates_, and among other things the performance of _Tom the Harlequin_, or _Harlequin Tom_, (utrum horum mavis accipe) were willing to pay a second visit to our hero, and therefore desired his master, the Jew, to bring him into their presence, that they might once more feast their eyes on a creature, which they affirmed to exceed the leopard in beauty, the tyger in saline qualities, and the antilope shape. This led them into a discourse on the qualities of this creature, and a very learned gentleman, who understood hellenisms started a question or quære—_Unde derivature Cat?_ For, says he with a calendered face, we should first _define_ any word before we can arrive at its constituent parts. The word _Cat_ is a _monasylable_, made up of the constituent letters C. A. T. so is the word _Hat_ derived (as Tom Brown says) quasi, from the word _Hate_, because, says that learned antiquarian, men _hate_ to go without their _hats_, especially quakers, and ladies who wear them, and appear covered in their respect places of worship. Now, let us see, if we can’t find some word analogous in some of the languages, which may bear a similar analogy or corresponding affinity to the word _Cat_.

Now, gentlemen, in all the languages modern, or ancient, foreign or native, oriental, or occidental, cannot I find a nearer relation to the word _Cat_, than in the Greek language of which you know I am a perfect master—thus I say _Cat_, is derived from the Greek κατα, which being a Greek præposition, has several significations—analize the word _Cat_ forward, it reads _Cat_, and backwards _tac_, and any other way, _act_, turn it as you will now, Sir, take the particle, or expletive article, _a_, _a_, _Cat_; turn this and wind it as you will, it must make either, a Cat, or atac, and borrowing an _N_, by way of subsidiary or ally to support the expletive _a_, he will then be _an_, and then it will be an atac, or an _attack_. Try the greek word κατα—wind him, and turn him, he makes the word, _atak_, or in our idiom _attack_, so that our English word, a Cat, and the greek word κατα, signifies, either way _atak_, or _atac_. And what creature is more fierce to attack than a Cat, and this I affirm to be the answer to unde drivatum, a Cat, not to mention the precise or indefinite significations of the præpositive expletive κατα. He said, and sate down—next spoke and stood, one split hair, a mighty causuist in words, who perfectly understood how to add, subtract, divide, and multiply in words as accomptants do in figures. He could make fractions, and was able to conjure down the best letter in the alphabet into a cyper, so as to serve him in cases of necessity, either on the right, or the left of an other letter; by the addition of these substitutes, he could make any word stand for, or mean, any thing, as the arithmetician does, with his nine figures, and his beloved, O, he could make them dance country dances, figure in, or figure out, just as he pleased of which I shall by way of examples, or diagram, give the following alphabetical system, of his own projection.

+---+---+---+---+---+
| S | A | T | O | R |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| A | R | E | P | O |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| T | E | N | E | T |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| O | P | E | R | A |
+---+---+---+---+---+
| R | O | T | A | S |
+---+---+---+---+---+

which letters being taken any way compose the same sound, and he defies any algebraist to make such another projection with the nine figures, since he has in this marvellous scheme made use of only eight letters.

He insists that the word _Cat_ was derived from _Cate_, a delicate sweet-meat, for why? Cats love _Cates_, and are especially fond of licking cream? hence, the proverb—will a _Cat lick cream_? And, why not, interrupted another _word-wright_, named _Quasimodo_, why not, _Cat_, from _Catherine_, or from _Catterpillar_? This unexpected derivation drew over a great many partizans, of several who were in the seats, and some affirmed, it was the best derivation given as yet—Yes, says _Split-hair_, if he supports the alphabetical authority. A just objection, replied _Quasimodo_, but I only take the initial part of the word _Cat-her-ine_—or if you will _Cat-he-ine_; I have nothing to do with _he-rine_, or if you will _herring_, because to mix it in this place with Cat, would be confounding fish and flesh, and producing an amphibious meaning,—but suppose, Whittington’s Cat, or Montaigne’s _Cat_ was called _Kate_, from Wittington’s wife _Kate_, or _Cate_, wont that do? And as for the word _Caterpiller_, or _Catercousin_, or _Caterer_, or _Cat-call_, or Cat and nine-tails, or _Cat_ in pan—or _Catamite_, each and every of these words may be tortured to confess as good a derivation, as your κατα, or attack—and what do you think (says a wag in an adjacent seat) of the word Cat-eg-or-i-cal—much the same says _Quasimodo_, or the Greek appellative—_Hecate_, who was a witch, (most Cats are said to be witches, you know) which if you divide, will make out the word—_He-cat_—(e final left out) or hekaton, a hundred—or _Cat-as—Strophe_—so that at the _fag_ end of the business instead of a Cat a nine-tails, you may have, a _Cat-hekaton_ or _Cat-a-hundred-tails_.

While this learned dissertation passed, the German, who expected every moment, that the Hebrew language, would be at length brought on the tapis, eagerly swallowed ev’ry word, without digesting a letter, and having drunk plentifully of the circulating pots, which he emptied, as fast as they came round, he had forgot poor Tom, who by this time was some miles off; this being the whole design of this cabal; the intent, purpose, end, and meaning whereof, was no more than to gule the poor Jew, and steal Tom, by engrossing the German’s attention with porter and chat, till a proper opportunity should be found to loose his chain, and bear him off triumphant; which the fellow employ’d, executed with the most admirable dexterity, and tho’ poor Mr. _Shuter_, was accused of being concerned in this confederacy, our history entitles us to acquaint him, and _Yates_, together with all the other droll men, and wild beast men in the fair, and we do aver, they were ev’ry mother’s soul of them out of the plot, neither were any persons, directly, or indirectly in the _hum_, but the persons above mentioned, we mean the disputants _Split-Hair_, _Quasimodo_, and their adherents.

CHAP. XVII.

_Gives an account of what became of_ Tom, _who meets with an
unexpected acquaintance, and a new mistress; is restored to his
liberty; goes a whoring, and is lost_.