Chapter VII: Part 7

I might have been perfectly happy had I resisted the opportunity of gaming; but I could not long withstand the temptation of joining the lackeys and pages, who were at cards almost the whole of the day. At first I spent only now and then a quarter of an hour with them, or half an hour at the utmost; but when I found that my natural inclination for this cursed habit was not sufficiently satisfied by day, I was induced to steal from my master’s house in the night-time, as soon as I believed him to be asleep, for the purpose of joining my companions at the Hotel, with whom I generally remained until sun-rise the next morning. If my master had been informed of my conduct, he would undoubtedly have horse-whipped me handsomely; but no one apprized him of it, for fear of getting me into trouble. Meantime I lost all the money that I had earned in the execution of commissions, without losing my taste for gaming; on the contrary, my desire for play increased daily, and I was induced to steal to supply me with means; this I had never yet been guilty of, although I well knew, that from my master downwards, all the servants in the Hotel were in the habit of appropriating to their own use every thing they could lay their hands on. Every one took good care of himself, and what is more surprising, though they were all well aware of each other’s practices, no one ever impeached the rest, but kept the secret which equally affected them all.

Though I had not been a gamester from inclination, and though I had not been from nature eagerly disposed to possess myself of the property of another, these examples alone would have been more than sufficient to corrupt me I soon began, therefore, to follow the fashion; I cast my eyes with eagerness all over the house, and whatever I could pilfer without being observed, was soon converted into money; but, unfortunately for me, I had no sooner acquired it, than I lost it again at play.

In addition to the opportunities which presented themselves to me to exercise my slight of hand at the Hotel, which might be compared to a sea open to all sorts of fishermen, I had my master’s private house, which, though indeed but a small river, in which it was not likely to take fish of any considerable size, yet afforded me one day tolerable good sport. My master regaled some of his friends, all good bottle-companions and fond of good cheer like himself, with a collation one afternoon, treating them with andouilles and hams, which caused them to drink three times as much as usual. During this entertainment I was at the Hotel, and when I had finished my work, returned home to see if I was wanted. The visitors were already gone, and I found the parlour intolerably hot and full of dust, the cloth still on the table, and the floor strewed with empty bottles, most of them broken. My master, whom I did not see, but whom I heard plain enough, was snoring on his bed so loud as to make the whole house ring with the noise; and my mistress, who was about as sober as her husband, lay by him sleeping as sound as a top.

I contemplated for some moments the remains of this debauch, when I happened to cast my eyes on a silver goblet which stood on the table, and resolved to steal it. I was certain that nobody had seen me come in, and I could leave the house again equally unobserved. This reflection was sufficient to determine me: “with your leave, Mr. Goblet,” whispered I, putting it into my pocket, “you shall pay me for these broken bottles;” then closing the door softly after me, I placed my booty in a safe place, and returned to the Hotel as though nothing had happened. Towards evening my master came into the kitchen, somewhat recovered of his debauch, but in so peevish a humor, that he complained of the merest trifles, and immediately began to quarrel with me for having a faggot too much on the fire. I made no answer, but accompanied him home after supper, where he immediately went to bed. As to his wife, she had so comfortable a nap, that she was now as composed as usual, except that she appeared dull and vexed about something. I enquired the cause with as much effrontery as if I had been entirely ignorant of it. She informed me that she could not find the goblet, telling me, at the same time, that it was not the value of the thing that she regretted, but the passion that her husband would be in when he missed it, from whom she should never hear the last of it.

I endeavoured to console her,--not to the utmost of my power, for nobody was so well able as myself had I been disposed,--but by representing to her that this goblet was not of so singular a manufacture, but that a fellow to it might be found in Madrid; that she had nothing therefore to do, but to purchase another of the same make and fashion, telling her husband that it was the same, which she had had fresh-washed, or that it was a new one she had bought by giving the other and a few reals in exchange. She approved of my advice, and requested me to endeavour to procure one for her; and so next day I carried the stolen goblet itself to a goldsmith’s a good way off from our house, desiring him to have it washed, which he promised to get done in such a manner for me, that it should appear as good as new.

I communicated this good news to my mistress. “Madam,” said I, “I have been fortunate enough to find a goblet at a Jeweller’s shop exactly resembling the one you have lost, but the quality and fashion of it are so excellent, that the very lowest price at which it can be procured is fifty six reals.” Anxious to avert the storm that threatened her, she counted me out that sum without hesitation, and gave me half a real for my trouble. I accordingly carried the aforesaid goblet to her in the evening, which she thought so exactly like the other, that she said she was convinced her husband would never know to the contrary.

The fruits of this worthy exploit enabled me to game afresh. It was, indeed, a considerable sum for a scullion to apply to such a purpose; but, alas! all these reals soon fell into the gulph which had already swallowed up the produce of my former knaveries. Those with whom I played were more experienced in the art than I was, although I had learnt among the beggars how to shift the cards, to make false cuts, and many other villainous tricks of the like nature.

About this time my master was desired to prepare an elegant dinner for a foreign prince who had newly arrived at Madrid. Early in the morning of the day preceding that on which this entertainment was to be given, the cook took me with him into the kitchen, where the purveyor had just sent provisions of every description necessary for the fete. We immediately began, before the others joined us, to set apart whatever we considered our dues of office, and soon filled a large sack, with loins of veal, hams, tongues, and all kinds of fowls, which we concealed until night, when I was desired to convey it home as privately as possible. This I could not do without great fatigue, so heavily was I laden. I afterwards returned to the kitchen, where I found employment until midnight in preparing fowls for dressing on the next day, and after I had finished my work, my master charged me with the care of a second sack containing hares, pheasants, and partridges, saying: “here, Guzman, carry this home safely, and go to rest my little friend; you will tell my wife that I know not how long it may be before I come home.” The liar! he knew well enough he should be obliged to remain all night at the Hotel, where his presence was absolutely necessary to superintend the other cooks, who were actively engaged under his directions. But he was rather inclined to be jealous, although his wife was no beauty; and he only sent her this message to deceive her, that she might regulate her conduct accordingly, evidently fearing that she might think fit to call in a neighbour to fill his place during his absence; this being a kind office which people are as ready to perform towards cooks, as towards other absent husbands.

Having reached home, the first thing I did was to hang the contents of my sack in rows along the wall, which formed a very pleasant looking tapestry; after which I began to think of going to bed, for I stood much in need of rest after so hard a day’s work. My mistress, who slept in the lower parlour, was already in bed. I ascended to my apartment, which was a garret into which the sun darted its rays from morning till night, making it as hot by night as by day. I threw off my shirt to be more cool, and stretched myself as naked as I was born on the sorry bed in which I usually lay; but my slumbers, sound as they were, were disturbed about an hour afterwards by a most frightful noise, occasioned by cats, who were fighting desperately, and the gallery appeared to me to be the field of battle. This made me uneasy: “there will be the devil to pay,” said I to myself, “if these malicious animals should fall upon our provender! it were best for me to go and see what is the matter, that creates so terrible a din.” Hereupon I jumped out of bed; and not staying to put on my shirt that I might not lose so much time, I hastened to descend into the gallery; but scarcely had I set foot on my ladder, for I had no other staircase, than I perceived a light before me, which stopped me short. I looked round to discover whence it proceeded, and observed a figure all naked like myself, and so black, that I took it to be no other than the devil himself. This phantom, which made me tremble like an aspen-leaf, was my mistress, who, having been also waked by the cats, had come to the assistance of our pheasants and partridges, with a lamp in her hand, and clothed like myself _in puris naturalibus_, having neglected to put her shift on again on so pressing an occasion. As we thought each other sound asleep, this precaution had been considered superfluous by us both. We perceived each other at the same moment, and if I took her for a devil, she took me for a spright. I shrieked out most horribly, and she echoed me with equal strength of lungs, and ran into her chamber almost frightened to death, whilst I endeavoured to regain my garret; but as my ill-luck would have it, I slipped from the ladder, and fell with such violence into the gallery that I was bruised from head to foot.

I got up again with considerable difficulty, and groped my way along in the dark until I came to a place where I knew there was a tinder-box as well as some matches and ends of candles. I obtained a light, with which I returned to the gallery, to see whether the combatants were still there; but our cries had frightened them away. Finding that the enemy was fled, I examined the articles with which I had lined the walls, one after another, and found that the bloody battle, the noise of which had disturbed my mistress and myself, had been occasioned by the contention for a larded hare, for a share of which the cats had disputed with so much rage that there was nothing remaining of it but the bones.

I put all our provisions as much out of their reach as I could, and went to bed again: but to sleep was impossible, for in addition to the pain caused by my bruises, I could not get my mistress’s figure out of my mind, whose swarthy skin I fancied still before my eyes. The sight of a woman like this naked, is frightful indeed!

Day having at length come to dispel the visions of so disagreeable a night, I rose and dressed myself to attend my master, who had given me strict orders to be with him very early in the morning. As soon as I saw him, he inquired after his wife and family, and I told him that my mistress was well, and that I had left every thing in the house in good order; not thinking it prudent to inform him of the adventure of the cats, for fear he should think fit to impute to me the sad fate that the hare had met with, and punish me for my negligence accordingly.

The bustle and confusion in which our kitchen now was, in preparing to entertain the prince who was expected, would have formed a fine subject for a painter. Every one was in action, not only those employed in the kitchen, but also those who were constantly passing to and fro. We needed only to ask to have any thing, which every one took care to do pretty freely. The provisions seemed to vanish as quickly as they appeared; one said, “bring me sugar for the tarts,” and another cried, “bring me more tarts to be sugared.” Thus it was with all the rest; nothing was necessary but to vary the manner of asking a little, to obtain any thing twice or thrice over. We called these grand entertainments jubilees, as though we thought to obtain indulgences by robbing the master whose bread we were eating. It is certain that the river overflowed on these occasions on all sides, and the fish swam in deep water. For my own part, being but a small sparrow-hawk, I waited patiently until the kites and other larger birds of prey had their talons full; in the mean time, however, my hands itched so immoderately, that I could not refrain from dipping into a basket of eggs, and slipped half a dozen of them into my pocket.

Ill luck still pursued me; my master saw me; and wishing to establish the reputation of an honest man and zealous servant at my expence, in the presence of so many of the house servants, he came up to me with a savage countenance, and gave me such a kick that he lay me sprawling on the ground, and as I happened to fall on that side where I had the pocketful of eggs, they all broke, and made an omelet which ran down my thighs, to the great amusement of the company present, with the exception of my master, who still looked very serious, and adding menaces and reproaches to insult, told me, that “he would teach me to steal in so great a lord’s house.” I was so enraged at the behaviour of this rascally cook towards me, that it was with great difficulty I refrained from answering, that nobody, indeed, could teach me better than himself; and that those eggs for which he had chastised me were laid by the fowls he had ordered me to carry home to his house the night before; but I held my tongue, and thereby escaped any further kicking, with which so laconic an answer would certainly have been rewarded. Take lesson from my behaviour on this occasion, reader, if you happen to be so fortunate as to recollect it, when you feel desirous to show your wit by some satirical speech which may be of ill consequence to you in your future welfare.

Notwithstanding this unlucky accident, I managed afterwards to pocket, unobserved, two partridges, four quails, and half of a roast pheasant, with some sweetbreads of veal, which I secured less from interest than to try my dexterity; not being willing to have it said of me, that I had been at court without seeing the King, or at a wedding without kissing the bride. The banquet being over, as my master and I were returning home together in the evening, he said to me; “Guzman, my friend, think no more of what passed between us in the kitchen this morning; forget the kick I was obliged to give you; it behoved me more than you can imagine to treat you in this manner: it was a piece of policy, for which I was sorry in the main. But think of it no longer, my lad, and to make you amends for this little accident I will make you a present of a new pair of shoes to morrow.” This was an article I was so much in need of, that I was delighted with the promise, and my resentment against him instantly subsided. He did not, however, keep his word, being prevented by what happened the next day.

My mistress gave me a very sour look when we got home; whence I conceived that she had taken an aversion to me on account of the last night’s adventure, and I was not deceived in my opinion, for she seemed, evidently, ashamed to look me in the face. But I am convinced that she was less mortified at my having seen her naked, than afraid of the fine report I might make of the adventure. I went to bed, however, without feeling much anxiety as to what she thought, and resolved to sell the game and veal sweetbreads I had stolen the next day. I rose so early in the morning, that I left my master in bed, and ran to the market, quite sure that I should have abundance of time to dispose of my merchandize, and still to get to the hotel before him. I soon found a purchaser in an old cook, whom I never fail to curse whenever I happen to think of him, who professed himself ready to buy whatever I had. I was so pressed for time that the bargain was soon struck; and I agreed to let him have my provisions for six reals, and was only waiting for my money to start off as swift as a roebuck; but this old dotard was as punctilious and slow as I was hasty and impatient. He must first put a register which he held in his hand under his arm, then take off his ragged gloves, and hang them to his girdle; after which he pulled out his spectacles and spent about half an hour in cleaning them to examine the money he was going to pay me.

In vain did I entreat him to make more haste, telling him I had an affair of consequence which called me elsewhere; he was deaf to my prayer. How long a time did he consume in untying his purse, and how many pieces of money did he amuse himself with looking at, one after another, before he began counting the money into my hands, by quarters and half quarters of reals, and even maravedis: all this almost drove me mad. “What, old fumbler,” muttered I between my teeth: “can such a trifling old cur wish to enrage me, or to amuse me here, until my master, who is already suspicious of me, and who, perhaps, is at this moment looking every where for me, come up and surprise me?” This, it appears, I had more reason to apprehend than I imagined; the cook had heard me leave the house, and was much surprised at such extraordinary diligence; and suspecting that I had some new scheme in my head, he got up and dressed himself hastily that he might be at my heels; so that he stood immediately behind me at the very moment the old man had at last got over the ceremony of paying me. “Ho! ho! my boy,” cried my master, seizing me by the hand and taking the money, “what fine bargain is this you are making?” At these words I stood more confounded than a smuggler who is caught in the fact. I made no reply, and was even patient enough to submit to another good kick, accompanied by a thousand reproaches. He did not leave me until he had forbidden me ever to enter his house again, and threatened to thrash me soundly if I was ever insolent enough to pass the door of the hotel. My friend the merchant, unluckily for him, remained on the spot until the close of this scene, which was, in consequence, little better for him than for me; for attributing my present misfortune to this old sorcerer, I fell on him in my passion, and snatched my partridges and pheasants, telling him I was determined to have my own goods, and that he might get his money if he could from the knave who had run off with it. Thus saying, I disappeared like a flash of lightning, to sell my game in some other market, leaving this phlegmatic old gentleman to his own thoughts upon the adventure, which he most probably considered a plan concerted between the cook and me to cheat him out of his money.

END OF VOL. I.

London: Printed by J. Nichols and Son,
25, Parliament-street.