Chapter III: Part 3

Do not be surprised, reader, at my ill opinion of my relations; had you been in their place I do not think that you would have behaved much better towards me. Suppose yourself for a moment as rich as they were, and tell me candidly how you would have received a beggar, who comes up to you as suddenly as if he had just fallen from the clouds, and salutes you in the middle of the street saying, good morrow, uncle, or brother, I am a son of your brother, or of your mother; would you not be extremely mortified? and yet I was so imprudent as to address them in this public manner: thus I never saluted one of them that did not treat me with the titles of rascal and impostor, accompanying these epithets with threats; “take our advice,” said they, “and do not remain much longer at Genoa, lest you pass but an unpleasant time here.” In vain did I name my father, protesting that he ranked among the noble Genoese; they seemed all to have forgotten that there had ever been such a person in existence.

One evening I met a venerable looking old man, who accosted me in a polite and insinuating manner: “my son,” said he, “is it not you who have reason to complain of certain titled personages who have not chosen to acknowledge you for one of their noble blood?” I answered in the affirmative, and told him who was my father. “I recollect him well,” replied the old man, “and there are certainly in this city several of the principal nobles who are his relations. I can even introduce you to a banker who must have been a most intimate friend of your father’s, and who to-morrow, for it is too late to-day, will, I doubt not, be happy to satisfy you in every particular concerning your family. In the mean time,” continued he, “come and take up your lodging at my house: I feel quite indignant at the behaviour of your cousins towards you, who ought rather to have received you with the greatest affection: but follow me, and be assured that the banker will put it in your power to be fully avenged of them for their hard-heartedness.”

I accepted the old man’s offer of a lodging in his house by returning thanks to heaven by so fortunate a rencounter. His appearance was such that I did not in the least mistrust him. He had a good natured serious air, his bald head and white beard rendering his appearance truly venerable; he walked with a staff, and wore a long robe; in fact I looked upon him as another St. Paul. When we arrived at his house, which appeared to me like a magnificent hotel, a servant came to meet him to take off his long robe; but the old gentleman from an excess of politeness would not part with it, but sent the servant away, after having communicated something to him in Italian, which was so much Hebrew to me. He then conducted me into a large parlour, where we conversed concerning the affairs of Spain for above an hour, and from them proceeded insensibly to those of our own family, respecting which he seemed extremely curious, questioning me more particularly concerning my mother; and I answered him in the most cautious manner. This discourse was beginning to grow tedious, when the servant returned; they had another short conversation together in Italian, which I understood no better than the former. But immediately afterwards, the good old man addressed himself to me in Spanish: “I suppose,” said he, “you have of course supped, you must be weary, and it is time to be a bed. We shall meet again in the morning.” Then turning to his servant, “Antonio,” continued he, “shew this gentleman to the finest chamber in the house.”

I had much more inclination to eat than to sleep, for I was literally half dying with hunger; having unfortunately dined very sparingly at my inn that day; for my pistole was just at an end. That I might not, however, presume upon the goodness of an host who seemed so disposed to be of service to me, I followed his servant, as if I had a good bellyful, and was carried through an enfilade of seven or eight rooms paved with alabaster, each vying with the others in magnificence. From thence we entered a gallery which led into a fine chamber in which there was a very rich bed with superb tapestry. “You see your chamber,” said Antonio, “and the bed that is destined for you: none are allowed to sleep here but princes and some few of my master’s nearest relatives.”

After having allowed me to admire the richness of the furniture for a while, this servant offered to undress me, but I declined his assistance for very good reasons; my ragged shirt was by no means in a state to be exhibited; and in addition to this, the rest of my clothes were now of so very fine a texture, that they required a hand more interested in their welfare than his was, to take them off delicately. Either through malice, however, or that he thought I declined his good natured offer merely from politeness, he returned to the charge, and seeming determined to assist me in spite of my teeth, he caught hold of me, and drew off one of my sleeves so suddenly, that had I not prevented him with my other hand, he would undoubtedly have torn it to pieces. I then entreated him in a peevish tone to leave me to my rest, and he prevented my further anger by desisting as I desired. I retired to the side of the bed, threw off my rags which were held together only by a few laces, and jumped into bed, the sheets of which were clean and completely perfumed. This done, I told the servant he might take away the candle. “I am not so inconsiderate,” replied he: “it would be the means of causing you to pass a very uneasy night; for it is very common for large bats, which are very numerous in this country, to conceal themselves in chambers with so lofty a ceiling, and you will be much disturbed by them if you remain without light. Add to this,” continued he, “there are certain evil spirits that frequent the principal houses in this city, by whom you will infallibly be tormented, if you neglect to keep lighted candles in the room, the brightness of which, it is said, they are afraid of.” He told me all this tale with an ingenuous air, and I listened to him with all the credulity of an infant, instead of mistrusting this Antonio, whose knavish countenance ought to have been sufficient to have excited my suspicions.

No sooner had he left the chamber, than I got out of bed and bolted the door, less from fear of being robbed, than in the hope of thus securing myself from the persecution of the aforesaid spirits. Considering myself then in perfect safety, I lay down again, and reflected on the benevolence of my venerable landlord. So far from suspecting him of any bad design, which, had I possessed a little more experience, I should not have failed to have done, I represented to myself that he could be no other than one of my nearest relatives, who had not chosen to make himself known to me over night, that he might surprise me the more agreeably in the morning. “I would lay a good wager,” said I to myself, “that when I wake to-morrow morning, I shall find a tailor in waiting to take measure of me for a fine suit of clothes. I may rest assured that in future I shall never want for any thing, and that I have not lost my labour in coming to Italy.” Flattered by these agreeable thoughts, my senses were beguiled by degrees into a most profound sleep.

Although Antonio had told me that the evil spirits were so averse to light, my candles did not secure me from the persecution of four figures in the shape of so many devils who entered my chamber. It was some time before I heard the noise created by these demons; but as it was very far from their intention to respect my repose, they advanced towards the bed, drew the curtains, two of them seized me by the arms, and the other two by the legs, and dragged me out of bed. At length I awoke; and finding myself thus dangling in the air in the clutches of four devils, I was so terribly frightened that I was more dead than alive. They were each habited exactly as the devil is represented; with huge long tails, frightful vizards, and horns on their heads. I had just sufficient sense remaining in me to invoke the assistance of some Saint whose name occurred to me at the moment. But had I offered up prayers, they would have been equally unavailing. These apparitions were not to be driven from their purpose; exorcisms even would have been useless, for the devils that I had to deal with had been baptized. They placed me in one of my blankets, and each taking a corner, began to toss me in the air with such violence, that they threw me to the ceiling at every toss, against which I expected every moment that either my head or one of my arms would have been broken. But they contented themselves with only bruising me, though they did not cease to make me vault in this manner until they were completely fatigued, or rather until their noses informed them that my fear grew laxative. They then placed me in bed again, covered me over as they found me, extinguished the light, and vanished the same way as they had entered.

In this pitiable condition I remained until day-break; and with the most dreadful sensation of fear still on my mind, I made an effort to get up, with the intention of hastening as quickly as possible out of a house where the duties of hospitality had been so scurvily fulfilled. But I could not rise, or dress myself without the greatest difficulty and pain, the cause of which I could not remember without bestowing a thousand curses on the old rascal who had caused me to be thus cruelly treated. He no longer seemed to me that personage so worthy of veneration, no longer that benevolent character the meeting with whom had so much delighted me, but an old sorcerer, destined to be damned from the creation of the world.

Before I quitted the chamber, I was curious to know how these malignant spirits could have entered it. I first examined the door, and finding it still bolted as I had left it before I fell asleep, I could not reasonably imagine that they had found their way to me by that means. But having lifted up the hangings, I perceived a large window covered by them, which opened into the gallery. This was still open, the apparitions not having taken the trouble to close it after them. I made not the least noise, lest there should be something still in reserve for me, and thought of nothing but how to extricate myself from this cursed place. I had already left the room with this view, when I met Antonio in the gallery, who informed me that his master was waiting for me at the nearest church. All the answer I made was to request him to shew me to the street-door, which he did with as much sang-froid as if he had not been one of the goblins who had amused themselves so much at my expence. I no sooner got out of doors, than I scampered off as if I had not a bruise about me. What wonderful strength is imparted by fear! I ran as fast as my legs would carry me.

As soon as I considered myself in perfect safety, my hunger, which had been suspended for a while by fear, became such, that I was obliged to satisfy it by buying some baked meat and a slice of bread, which I amused myself with eating as I walked along. I did not stop till I had got quite out of the city, and then seeing a tavern before me, I went in and drank a glass of good wine. This so completely reanimated my courage, that after a slight repast, I was able to set out again, taking the road towards Rome, reflecting on the affectionate reception I had met with from my relations, and especially from my old friend. I made a solemn oath never to forget the detestable night that this grey bearded old wolf had allured me under his roof, for which I resolved to be fully avenged on him the very first opportunity.

CHAP. XXI.

_What becomes of Guzman after having left Genoa._

I travelled some distance from Genoa, without so much as turning my head once towards that city, as though I feared that the sight of it would have petrified me. I resembled one of those who escaped from the battle of Roncesvalles; I walked on without having any determined route, though it was my wish to go to Rome. At length I reached a town about ten miles from Genoa, where I stopped some hours to rest myself, and spent what remained of my pistole. Then resigning myself entirely into the hands of Providence, I resumed my journey.

It was well for me that I had been accustomed to misfortunes, and that I had already made some progress in the art of begging. What would have become of me without this resource? I should have been much to be pitied. Any one that possesses the talent of exciting his neighbour’s charity may travel all over Italy without money. I must render this justice to Italy, that no nation in the world has more charity in it. In proof of which assertion, I reached Rome without spending a single sous of all the money that I was able to collect on the road, and which I carefully reserved. In the different villages through which I passed I had more meat and bread given me than I could possibly consume. Mendicity in that country is a fine resource for persons of spirit in bad circumstances who cannot make up their minds to be industrious. For my own part, I was so naturally inclined to that trade that I wished for no better. I must confess that when I found myself in the capital of the Catholic World with money enough in my pocket to buy a new suit of clothes, I was at first somewhat tempted to employ it that way, with design to offer my services to some nobleman; but I had courage enough to resist this desire, which I considered in no other light than as a temptation of the devil.

“Oh! Oh! Guzman,” said I to myself, “do you wish to give yourself the same airs here as at Toledo; suppose, when you have expended all your little hoard in dress, you should be so unlucky as to find no one willing to employ you, who do you think will feed you, my friend? do you imagine that a fine new coat is likely to excite charity? undeceive yourself. You will be more likely to fare better in your present dress. Be wise, and rather endeavour to profit by your old follies than to seek after new ones. Be contented as you are, and do not resume your former vanities.” Reasoning with myself in this manner, I tied up my purse with a double knot, and addressing myself to the money within it: “Remain thus secure,” said I, “until I find a better opportunity of making thee useful.”

I began then to traverse the streets of Rome in my rags, soliciting alms like one who believed himself a master in the art, but who was in reality a mere apprentice in comparison with the professors of that country. Among these was a young fellow, who remarking the manner of begging that I adopted, found that I required a few lessons, which he was kind enough to give me. We associated together; and to render me useful to the society, he taught me the different manners and the several tones in which alms should be asked of different people, and that the same speech would not always do. “Men,” said he, “are not in the least affected by the plaintive and lamentable tones adopted by most beggars. They will be much more likely to put their hands in their pockets, when you implore their assistance boldly for God’s sake.” “As for women,” continued he, “as some pay their devotions to the Holy Virgin, and others to our lady of the Rosary, it is by one of these that we wheedle them. It has frequently a good effect also to pray that they may be preserved from all mortal sin, from false witnesses, the power of traitors, and from slanderous tongues: such wishes as these, pronounced in energetic terms, and in an impressive tone of voice, will almost always make their purses fly open to assist you.”

He taught me moreover how to excite the compassion of the rich; and what is still more difficult of professed devotees. In a word, he gave me such good instructions, and I made so good a use of them, that I soon received more money than I could spend. I was already perfectly acquainted with Rome, from the Pope down to the very lowest scullion in the city. For fear of troubling my customers too often, I divided the city into seven parts, allotting one for every day in the week. I never failed to present myself at the several churches on holidays, where I was sure to pick up something. As to the pieces of bread that were usually given at doors of private houses, I sold what I did not want to distressed objects who were ashamed to beg, but who, by being relieved in private by the faithful, were well able to pay for what they bought of me. Country people and others, who made it their business to fatten fowls and hogs, were also frequent purchasers; but the spicecake makers were my best customers. I likewise made something considerable by the old rags which were given me by charitable persons who could not without pity see a lad of my age almost naked, especially in winter.

Having by this time become acquainted with the first professors in the art of begging, I was now perfect master of the trade, by following their directions and example. It happened one day that about thirty of our fraternity were collected before the door of the Ambassador of France, where I heard one of my comrades behind me cry, “Look at that Spanish glutton there, he’ll certainly spoil our trade. When once his guts are well filled with the soup or meat that is given him, he declines taking any more; this it is that ruins our business. By these means, people will be apt to think that poor people like us have too much given them.” One of our veterans, who knew me, overhearing this, said to the beggar who uttered this complaint, “Peace, comrade, do you not see that this novice is a stranger who is not yet acquainted with our regulations. Leave him to me, and I will undertake to instruct him. He is a pretty apt scholar, I assure you, and will in a very short time be a match for any of us.”

After having thus taken my part, he called me aside in a low voice, and asked me several questions; as, in what part of Spain I was born? what was my name, and how long I had been at Rome? When I had answered all these queries in a very laconic style, he proceeded to represent to me, but in a very mild manner, the mutual feeling that beggars were bound to observe towards each other, that a proper _decorum_ might be supported among them; that they ought to be so united as to play into each other’s hands like brother pick-pockets in a fair. From thence entering into a long detail, he revealed so many secrets to me as soon convinced me how inferior I was to these great men. Amongst other things which I had never yet heard of, he taught me how to enlarge my stomach, so as to be able to eat four times as much as usual, without incommoding myself; not forgetting to recommend me, never to eat before people, without effecting extreme greediness, for he assured me, it was most essential to persuade them that beggars are dying with hunger. He concluded by informing me at what hours I should be sure to be at such and such places: that in some houses I might venture to enter the kitchen, and even as far as the parlour; but that in others I must not dare to enter the door.

I now thought that he had completely exhausted the subject, but all these things were nothing in comparison with the begging-laws, which he made me read at his own house, whither he led me, as soon as the alms of the French Ambassador were distributed. He did not content himself by allowing me merely to read these admirable regulations, but insisted on my taking a copy of them, that by being well acquainted with them, I might never again infringe them in so shameful a manner. I have not thought myself bound, friendly reader, to withhold these statutes, which I shall communicate to you as they were presented to me. If there be any who have no wish to have the manners of low life depicted to them, is it just that I should accommodate myself to their excessive delicacy, and withdraw a picture which may afford much pleasure to others?

CHAP. XXII.

_The Laws of begging._

As beggars of every nation are distinguished from each other by their different modes of imploring alms; as the Germans beg by singing, and in troops, the French by their praying, the Flemings by their respectful bowings, the Bohemians by fortune telling, the Portuguese by their crying, the Italians by long harangues, the English by abusing, and the Spaniards by their haughty growlings: we hereby command them all to observe the following Statutes under pain of our heavy displeasure.

1. We forbid any lame or wounded beggar, of whatever nation he be, to appear in the quarters frequented by others full of health and vigour, on account of the advantage they will have over the latter. We also ordain, that all such as are in perfect health, form no manner of connexion with blind men, field-preachers, mountebanks, poets, musicians, redeemed captives, nor even with old soldiers that have escaped from a rout, or seamen saved from a shipwreck. For although it is generally allowed, that all these must subsist by imploring charity, their manners of begging being different, it is necessary that each society keep to its own particular rules.

2. We ordain that beggars have certain taverns assigned them in every country, where shall preside three or four of their ancients with staves in their hands as emblems of their authority. Which said ancients are hereby empowered to canvass, in the aforesaid taverns, all the affairs of the world, and to give their opinions as freely as they please. At the same time, we permit the other beggars to relate their own heroic exploits, as well as those of their ancestors, and even to illustrate the conversation by boasting of battles they were never in.

3. We command, that every beggar carry a good cudgel in his hand, with a spike at the end of it if possible, to be provided against emergencies, lest they repent of their neglect.

4. That each beggar take especial care never to presume to wear any thing new; that all his clothes be worn out, torn, or patched; nothing bringing more scandal on our profession than begging in good clothes. Be it, however, well understood, that if in the exercise of his professional duties, a beggar chance to obtain some new garment, he is at liberty to deck himself out in it for that day, but no longer. We positively will, and command, that he dispose of it the following morning.

5. To prevent any dispute that may arise between comrades for certain posts, we ordain that the more ancient possessor prevail and take precedence, without regard to persons.

6. It is permitted that two infirm or sick persons beg in company, if they please, and call each other brothers; provided they beg by turns and in a different tone, the one beginning where the other leaves off. They are to keep opposite each other on different sides of the street, each singing his own misfortunes; they may afterwards divide their profits as they please.

7. It is permitted that a beggar wear an old dish-clout round his head in winter instead of a bonnet, that while he is protected from the cold, he may at the same time appear an invalid. He is likewise at liberty to walk with crutches, or to have one leg tied up behind him.

8. Every beggar may have a purse and a pocket, but must receive alms in their hats only.

9. We command, that no beggar be so indiscreet as to divulge any of the mysteries of our trade to any but such as belong to our Society.

10. Should any beggar be so fortunate as to discover any new trick in the art of begging, he shall be obliged to communicate the same to the company, which ought to enjoy in common the benefit arising from the genius of any of its members. As a recompence, however, to the inventor, and to stimulate his genius to new discoveries, we decree that he have an exclusive privilege to make the most of his device for three months; during which time we peremptorily forbid any other belonging to our fraternity from interfering with his practice, under pain of confiscating to his use all the profits that may be derived therefrom.

11. We exhort the members of this Society freely and faithfully to make known to each other all the houses where they know that either private or public alms are likely to be dispensed; especially those in which gaming or courting is going forward, for in such places large receipts are certain.

12. We command, that no beggar presume to keep or lead about with him any hunting, setting, or other dogs; blind men only being allowed to be conducted by a little cur with a string round its neck. This prohibition is not meant to extend to such of our fraternity as may chance to possess dogs of talent. These may be allowed to exhibit their performances as usual, by making their dogs dance or jump through hoops; but they must not presume to take their station at a church-door, where other beggars of the Society may be assembled, on account of the great advantage they will have over them.

13. We command, that no beggar venture to buy meat or fish in the market on his own account, except in a case of extreme necessity, as very ill consequences may arise from so doing.

14. We permit all such beggars as have no children of their own to hire as many as four to lead about with them into the churches on festivals; these should not be above five years old, and, if possible, should appear to be twins. If a female conduct them, she should never fail to have one always at her breast; and if a man, he must be sure to carry one on his arm, and lead the other by the hand.

15. We command, that those beggars who have any children, instruct them, up to the age of six years, in the best mode of making collections in churches; that, after having taught them to ask charity for their father and mother who lie on their beds at home most dangerously ill, they allow them to go alone, though it were better not entirely to lose sight of them. As soon, however, as these children shall have attained their seventh year, we command that they be left to shift for themselves, as being already majors, and that their parents be content to restrict and compel them to return home at stipulated hours.

16. Beggars of the old stamp, who consider it a point of honor to walk in the footsteps of their ancestors who have trained them to the profession of begging, will never allow their children to take any other trade than their own, nor to degrade themselves by entering into the service of any one; and if these children wish to be thought worthy of their parents, they will hold every other condition in abhorrence.

17. Although Idleness be the principal divinity worshipped by us beggars, we, nevertheless, think proper to prescribe certain hours of rising. Every one should dress and turn out by seven o’clock in winter, and by five in summer, or even sooner, if he feel so disposed; and should be in bed again by the same hour in the evening, except on extraordinary occasions, and according to the directions of the veterans of the Society.

18. Be for ever declared infamous, and banished from our Society, all such as shall presume to steal, harbour stolen goods, strip little children, or commit any such villanies.

19. As it is our wish that all young persons who embark in our profession be treated favorably, we will and ordain, that, for the future, any brother who shall have attained the age of twelve years shall be obliged to pass a noviciate of three years only instead of five; and we insist that after the said term of three years he be considered a graduate in the profession, and as a subject who has duly complied with and fulfilled all the laws of our institution.

20. At the same time we require of the said brother that he make oath never to desert our Society, but continue attached to it, and never think of withdrawing himself from our service without our especial leave; promising to pay due submission and obedience to our statutes, under pain of our highest displeasure.

CHAP. XXIII.

_Of the disagreeable adventure poor Guzman met with, while begging in the City of Rome during the heat of the day._

In addition to these laws, this famous doctor in the art communicated to me others which he told me had been established by the most celebrated beggars of Italy, and particularly by the renowned Albert, surnamed _Messer Morcon_--in other words, Mr. Big-guts--who was looked upon as Generalissimo of the Beggars at Rome. In truth, he well deserved that title, and even that of Prince of the Beggars, or rather the Archbeggar, of Christendom.

He was worthy to be Emperor of the Idlers, as well on account of his appearance as of his manners and understanding. He would devour at a single meal the whole of the tripe and trotters of two good sheep, a cow’s udder, and ten pounds of bread, not to mention the scraps that he collected, which he generally applied solely to his own use. He would drink in proportion. It is true that he alone would scrape up as much in begging as ten of the most deformed and crippled of our Society; but then he had occasion for all this, as I before told you; for although he consumed every scrap that was given him, and spent all his money in drink, he was frequently obliged to have recourse to the larders of other beggars, who, considering themselves his vassals, were always well pleased to contribute to his subsistence. He never seemed satisfied either with wine or victuals. He always went, both summer and winter, open breasted, and never wore either shirt or stockings. His head was always bare, his chin always well shaved, and his skin was as white and shining as if it had been rubbed with lard.

Among other rules made by this famous _Messer Morcon_ during his reign, there is one which is well worth repeating: he ordained that every beggar should sleep on the ground, without either mattress or pillow, and that they should leave off begging every day as soon as they had gained sufficient for the day’s necessities; for, said he, a true beggar ought to depend entirely upon Providence, and think not of the morrow.

I got all the laws of begging by heart, but was content to observe the most essential only. Nevertheless, as I was ambitious to distinguish myself in every profession I embraced, I was frequently tempted to run risks which turned out neither to my honor nor profit. An unlucky adventure of this description occurred to me one day in the month of September. The day was oppressively hot; I happened to go out between one and two o’clock, to beg from door to door in the streets of Rome, imagining that every one who saw me begging at such a time would be sure to think I must be half starved, and that I should not fail to have either victuals or money given me on that account. In vain, however, did I range the principal quarter of the city, making the air resound with my lamentations; I met with nothing but repulses and reproaches.

I repaired to another quarter, hoping to find hearts more sensible to my cries. I knocked at a door with my stick, but as I obtained no answer, I repeated my strokes very loudly three or four times; but just as I had made up my mind not to budge until I had made myself heard, a kitchen-boy appeared at one of the upper windows, who seemed to be washing dishes, and, as a reward for my obstinacy, poured down a cauldron of boiling water on my head, and immediately _afterwards_ cried out, _Scaldings! look to yourself below there!_

As soon as I felt myself baptized in this hot manner, I set up so frightful a yell, and made such grimaces, that I gathered a great crowd round me in a moment. Some few blamed the kitchen-boy; but all the rest told me that I was much in the wrong to presume thus to disturb gentlefolks who were asleep, and that if I did not feel inclined for sleep myself, I ought not at least to wake others. Some among them pitied me, and, to console me for my unlucky accident, put a few sous in my hand, with which I withdrew, intending to go home and dry myself. “Admirable!” thought I, in my own way home. “Wilt thou never be content with what is needful for thee? what demon tempted thee to do what others of thy calling never venture to attempt?”

I was already very near my own lodgings, when a neighbour, who was one of the oldest of our fraternity, called me into a cellar where he resided, and, seating me on a three-legged stool, asked me where the devil I had come from, what bath I had just left, and who had made me in such a pickle? When I related my adventure he laughed most heartily. This old man was a native of Cordova, born, trained up, and destined to die in the profession of begging. “My poor Guzman,” said he, “I fear much you will be a simpleton all your life; the blood is too hot in your veins; you seem to wish to be master before you have served your apprenticeship. Do you not see your folly in violating our customs? But, as we are both from the same country, and your extreme youth is some sort of excuse for you, I will endeavour to point out your duty to you more clearly. In the first place, my friend, know that nobody ever gives alms at Rome in the afternoon. The citizens as well as the people of quality always take a nap at that time of the day; and you are sure only to displease by waking them or disturbing their slumbers. When a beggar has howled twice, in a supplicating tone, at the door of a house, without seeing any one, it is a sign that the people of the house do not chuse to be seen, and, consequently, the best way is to be gone without further loss of time. Be not so imprudent as to open a door that you find shut, still less to enter the house; ask whatever you want from the street, for fear of the dogs of the house, who can easily distinguish us from other men, and who, considering us their rivals, have a natural antipathy towards us.

“One of the best pieces of advice that I can give you,” continued he, “is by reminding you that you are a Spaniard. This supposes in you a disposition always ready to treat with rudeness all such as withhold their charity; thus, when you address yourself to one of these ill-disposed rich ones, who not only make it a rule never to assist us, but will also reproach us most bitterly for our idleness, recollect that you should always answer their hard-hearted treatment with words full of softness and humility. Another piece of good advice: should you by chance, which has happened to me at least a hundred times in my life, approach a cavalier who, just as you implore his charity, takes off his glove and puts his hand in his pocket, I do not forbid you to feel rejoiced at such an action; but if you afterwards discover that it was only with the intention of drawing out his handkerchief, do not venture to testify chagrin at your disappointment, nor growl at him, for there may chance to be another gentleman near him who might have intended to relieve you, had not your grumbling prevented his design.”

After the old Cordovan had given me these political precepts, he taught me how I might raise a pretended leprosy and ulcers; how a leg might be swelled; how I might make an arm appear dislocated, and render my face paler than death itself. In short, he possessed a thousand curious secrets, which he was so kind as to communicate to me, not more out of friendship for me, as he told me, than from the fear that he might leave this world for the other without having bequeathed them to any one. In fact, he died a few days after this conversation.

CHAP. XXIV.

_Of the agreeable life Guzman continued to lead with his Comrades. An account of his Journey to Gaeta. History of a Beggar who died at Florence._

Notwithstanding the disposition recommended by the tenth statute of our laws, I did not think proper to communicate to my comrades the secrets of the Cordovan, who had revealed them to none but myself; nevertheless we all lived together in perfect union. We frequently met together of an evening to the number of ten or twelve, and passed our time in practising and inventing new exclamations to excite pity. There were even some among us who discovered new forms of benediction which they got a livelihood by, and which they sold to the others, who were always willing to purchase them on account of their novelty.

On festival-days we would be up betimes and run to the churches where indulgences were dispensed, that we might secure the best places, by being as near as we could to the _Holy Water_, or at the entrance of the Chapel near the _Station_,--which is the place set apart for penitents to stand and recite the prayers prescribed for them. Thus were our mornings employed, and towards night we generally left the City to make an excursion into the villages in the environs, as well as the farms and country-seats, whence we seldom returned without being well laden with abundance of lard, bread, eggs and cheese; sometimes with a good collection of old clothes, so well did we know how to excite the compassion of the good folks in the country. If on the road we saw any person of distinction coming towards us, the instant we perceived him at a distance, we set up a concert of plaintive voices imploring his charity, that he might have abundance of time to put his hand in his pocket, otherwise he might have passed on without stopping.

When we had to meet a number of citizens together, and had time to prepare for it, we would every one of us act a different character; one would halt as if he were lame, another would counterfeit blindness; a third would carry one arm in a sling, another would affect dumbness; a fifth would distort his mouth or his legs, and a sixth would walk on crutches; in a word, we every one of us performed a different part, taking care to place the most skilful amongst us at our head, to render the scene more affecting.

You would have been well amused had you but heard the various benedictions we employed to extract the marrow from their purses. We prayed that God would give them children, prosper their commerce, and bless them with good health; such wishes as these were scarcely ever thrown away. There never was a party of pleasure or an entertainment of any sort going forward, but we were sure to smell it out and pick up something; and we never failed to repair, in small numbers at a time, to such places, where we always got as much as we could eat. The hotels of Bishops, Cardinals, Ambassadors, all the great houses were open to us, and we frequented them by turns: thus we partook of every thing, though we possessed nothing.

I know not how my comrades felt affected when they chanced to receive alms from the hand of a pretty woman; for myself, miserable sinner, when a young female approached me whose figure I admired, I could not refrain from leering upon her with an amorous look when I implored her charity. If she herself gave me money, I pressed her hand tenderly in my own, and kissed it before I allowed it to escape. But I always committed this rash action with so respectful, or rather so hypocritical an air, that the lady, not suspecting that it was merely for my own gratification, always considered this insolence as a transport of gratitude.

The pleasures of this world, which have been thought to be the share of the rich and great only, may much more reasonably be said to fall to the lot of us beggars, who enjoy the sweets of life with more freedom, more relish, and tranquillity. Even though beggars had no other advantage than that of begging and receiving without either embarrassment or shame, they enjoy therein a privilege which none of the rest of mankind possess, sovereigns only excepted, who also beg of their people without blushing: but the difference between them is, that sovereigns often make poor folks contribute to their wants, while beggars seldom ask of any but such as are richer than themselves. There is evidently then no condition of life more happy than that of a beggar, and fortunate were it, indeed, if every one could know when he is so well off. The greater number of my comrades, however, were so entirely engrossed with delicacies of animal life, that one half of their felicity was actually thrown away: they did not reflect how sweet it was to live independent, without the dread of law-suits or the fear that their money was badly applied: to be unaffected by the intrigues of state, by the uncertainty of business and speculation, or by the numberless mischances and embarrassments to which every other man is constantly subject. The first man who embraced this mode of life must, doubtless, have been a great philosopher.

I would willingly have believed beggars entirely free from the control of Fortune, did not that malicious goddess take pleasure in occasionally showing her power over them, by subjecting them to little disgraces, as well as others. Of this nature was what happened to me in the town of Gaeta, whither I went out of curiosity, imagining that a man like me, who might now be reckoned skilful in my trade, would have no sooner entered the place, than alms would shower down as thick as hail upon him. The instant I arrived there I covered my head with a false scab, which I knew well how to counterfeit, and placed myself at the door of a church. The governor of the town happened to pass by me, and after having looked at me for some time with attention, gave me alms. A considerable number of the inhabitants of both sexes followed his example, and this good luck lasted for several days; but covetousness, as the saying is, at last bursts the bag. On the next festival-day, thinking that my pretended scabby head was too old a trick, I determined to make myself an ulcer on my leg, and soon raised one by making use of one of the secrets the old Cordovan had revealed to me.

Having prepared all that was necessary to dress up my leg so as to yield me a good harvest, I posted myself in the best situation at the door of another church, where I immediately began to writhe myself about and howl, as if I had been exceedingly afflicted by my ulcer, so as to attract the notice of every one that passed by me; and though my healthy countenance was sufficient to have belied my complaints (for I had neglected to manufacture a pale face on the occasion), and have created suspicion, yet I found that my apparently distressing situation excited the compassion of many; for these charitable folks did not examine so accurately as to detect me, and I in consequence received individually greater contributions than all the other beggars who were there, who wished me and my ulcer at the devil.

Unluckily, however, the aforementioned governor chanced to come to hear mass at this church, and had no sooner listened to me for a moment than he recognized me by my voice. He could not otherwise have possibly recollected me, for my head was completely covered with a large napkin which descended to my nose; but he was a man of experience who had seen a great deal of the world; and as soon as he espied me I knew well that he said to himself, “It cannot be four days since I saw and relieved this same fellow; can he possibly have been afflicted since that time with so bad an ulcer on his leg? there must be some roguery in this affair, and it is incumbent on me to inquire further into it:” “My friend,” said he, addressing himself to me, “I am much affected by your miserable situation; follow me home and I will give you a good shirt.”

I was so imprudent as to obey him, without the slightest suspicion of his design upon me; for had I in the least guessed at it I should soon have forced my way through his servants, and disappointed him of the punishment he had devised for me. Having arrived at his house, I did not presage much good when he looked at me with earnestness, and then demanded of me in a severe tone if I was not the same person whom he had seen a few days since at a church door with a bad head. I turned pale at this question, and could not muster impudence enough to answer in the negative, whereupon he insisted on seeing my head, and not perceiving the least appearance of disorder: “Tell me,” said he, “by what singular remedy you can possibly have cured yourself so perfectly in the short space of four days, and how you can have so inveterate an ulcer on your leg accompanied with so ruddy a complexion:” “Sir,” replied I; so disconcerted that I knew not what I said,--“I know not: but God was pleased that it should be so.”

I was still more troubled when I heard him desire one of his servants to run for a surgeon. I knew well what was preparing for me, and should soon have made an attempt to escape, if I had not observed that the door was locked; but as such was the case I was obliged to submit. At length the surgeon arrived, and examined my leg most attentively, and, skilful as he was, would very probably have been deceived, had not the governor communicated to him in a whisper the reasons he had for thinking me an impostor; after this the surgeon had but little trouble in discovering the truth: he examined the ulcer afresh, and then declared, with an air of importance and sagacity, that I had no more ailment in my leg than he himself had in his eye: “Bring me some hot water,” said he, “and I will prove clearly what I assert.” This was soon supplied; the surgeon rubbed and washed my leg, which became in an instant so clean and healthful, that I dared not utter a syllable in defence of my knavery.

The governor, thinking that he was bound to reward me for my address, gave me the shirt he had been so kind as to promise, which was fitted on my back in a moment by one of his lusty servants, who applied thirty hearty lashes by his master’s directions, by way of recompence for my journey. After which I was ordered to leave the town immediately, with the promise that I should be doubly remunerated if I ever ventured to make my appearance in it again. This was a very superfluous prohibition, for the pleasant treatment I had met with in Gaeta was of itself quite sufficient to divest me of all desire of visiting that place again. I left this cursed town therefore without further delay, shrugging up my shoulders all the way I went, until I arrived once more in the Pope’s territories. I greeted my dear Rome with a thousand blessings as I entered it, and no sooner saw it at a distance than tears of joy trickled from my eyes, and I could not refrain from wishing my arms long enough to have embraced it.

I soon rejoined my old comrades, but took good care not to communicate my late disgrace to them: had they known it, I should never have heard the last of my flogging adventure at Gaeta, which would have been an everlasting joke against me. I told them that I had merely taken a trip out of curiosity to some of the neighbouring villages; but that I had found by experience that, there was no place like Rome for persons of our calling. I must indeed have been half mad when I thought of leaving this blessed city, where we all lived so well, never failing to collect daily as much money as we wanted. Every fowl fills its crop by a single grain at a time. In like manner we accumulated our money; and after having converted it into gold, we carried it about with us sewed to our garments under rags, which frequently concealed a sufficient sum to buy a complete new suit. We might be said to have been stitched up with gold; and there were some few old rascals among us who were worth a very considerable sum which they always carried about their persons. Persons of our class generally possess the vices of avarice and cruelty in the highest degree. I will illustrate this assertion by relating to you a very singular example in the history of a beggar of my own acquaintance, which is well worth the recital.

A poor beggar, named _Pantalon Castello_, a native of Genoa, having married at Florence, had one son by his wife whom he intended so to establish in life as to render it unnecessary for him either to work, or go into service to obtain his livelihood: with this view, taking advantage of the facility with which the delicate members of a new born infant may be dislocated, he determined on the barbarity of crippling his own child. Perchance, reader, you will feel inclined to stop me here, to tell me that this is by no means extraordinary among beggars. I am ready to allow, that beggars of every nation in the world are in the habit of availing themselves of such inhuman means to excite compassion: but our _Pantalon_, like a true Genoese, was willing to surpass all his predecessors in this point, and disfigured his poor son so dreadfully that there was scarcely such another monster in the world. This unfortunate child, who, with the exception of his arms and tongue, which had not been touched, was deformed all over, was no sooner out of his infancy, than he began to exhibit himself through the streets in a kind of cage, on a little ass which he guided with his own hands.