Chapter V: Part 5

It is time, said I, that I should begin to think of making my fortune; but far from thinking that I was in the best house possible to forward this design, and from following a line of conduct suitable to that idea, I devoted myself so incessantly to the gaming table that I neglected my duty. Not finding any one at home who would play deep enough for me, I contracted the habit of going into the city to seek for players, men to my taste, and did not return during the whole day. At length I carried this eagerness for play to such lengths, that his lordship hardly ever seeing me, insisted on being informed the reason of my being always abroad; and my companions were obliged to communicate it to him. He was truly displeased at it. He spared nothing to cure me of this pernicious habit; to accomplish which, he employed remonstrances, promises, and even prayers, but unfortunately all his pains were bestowed to no purpose.

One day, when he was discoursing about me to the principal officers of his household, he said to them: “since all the means which I have made use of to recal him to a sense of his duty have been hitherto useless, I will try another method that has just occurred to me. The next fault that he commits, he shall be sent from my palace, in order that we may see if this punishment will make any more impression on him, than all the lectures I have given him. I do not mean by that,” continued he, “to abandon him to want: his usual allowance shall be given him every day, and I will take care that he shall be informed, that I shall always be ready to take him into my service again, when he has changed his course of life.” O excellent prelate, whose extraordinary virtue is worthy of eternal praise!

It was not long before I furnished his excellency with an opportunity to make trial of the new method he had thought of to correct me. Two or three days after, I lost at play the whole of my clothes, not excepting my livery coat, so that I had nothing remaining to cover me, except my breeches and doublet, for which I could get no one to play. I returned to the palace in this condition, and shut myself up in my chamber. My master seeing such an instance of disorderly conduct, executed his design. He ordered the major-domo to replace the clothes I had lost, and then to dismiss me. The major-domo obeyed, and sending me away, told me that his Eminence loved me still in spite of my faults; and that he had given orders that I should have my meals at the palace as usual, and that he would receive me again among his domestics, when he was persuaded that I sincerely repented of my past course of life. Far from feeling grateful for this kindness of the holy prelate, I was so proud, or rather so foolish, as to spurn at it: and I went out of his house grumbling as if I had had great cause of complaint, and vowing that I would never enter his doors again. I thought indeed that he was very wrong to use me thus; and determined to revenge myself upon him by _ruining myself_.

CHAP. XXVIII.

_Guzman enters into the service of the Spanish Ambassador._

My ridiculous pride long prevented me from perceiving the extreme folly of my behaviour. At first I amused myself by strolling about the streets of Rome and eating at the houses of my acquaintance, but I found that my civil reception among them did not last long; scanty fare and gloomy looks saluted me every where, and I was soon at a loss for a dinner. This verifies the Spanish proverb: _Live a week with your uncle or cousin, a month with your brother, a year with your friend; but in the house of your father you may live for life_.

I soon perceived that spunging was a villainous trade, and began to regret that I was self-exiled from the table of the cardinal’s pages; but the fault was then irreparable, since at that time his Eminence fell sick and died. He left to all his servants, by his will, money enough to support them comfortably for the remainder of their lives. This circumstance drove me to despair, as I could not forgive myself for having, by my deplorable folly, excluded myself from the provision which would otherwise have been made for me. I saw no other resource, but to offer my services to the Spanish Ambassador, who had been one of the most intimate friends of my deceased master, and knew me very well. He had also in more than one instance given me tokens of his good will.

I had no sooner expressed my desire of entering into his service, than he testified the utmost willingness to receive me. He had often condescended to honor with a smile the jests and stories he had heard from me at the palace of the cardinal. He considered me as a dexterous young fellow, and very well adapted for his buffoon and pimp. This last honorable employment was what he chiefly designed for me, as you will soon perceive. But first I must depict the character of this minister.

He was chosen to conduct an embassy to Rome, at a very critical period; this situation required a penetrating genius, and a man of great address. His excellency perfectly justified the confidence which the king reposed in him. But he had a foible, a little too common amongst men of rank,--that of being too much addicted to women. But for this circumstance, he would have been more esteemed than any other Ambassador at that court. Having, then, judged me worthy to have the management of his intrigues, he began to inform me of his virtuous intentions. Then, that I might give him a specimen of my abilities, he employed me in some trifling messages of gallantry, in which I had the good fortune to acquit myself to his entire satisfaction. This coup d’essai was followed by two or three commissions of the same nature, though of somewhat more difficulty, which were conducted with equal success. Nothing more was necessary to establish me perfectly in his good graces, and he conceived such a friendship for me that I soon became his favorite page. From this moment Signor Guzman was all in all in his master’s house. I did as I pleased, and every thing that I did was well done. The other domestics did not see my growing greatness without envy, especially those of longest standing; some called me my master’s buffoon, and some his pimp in ordinary. Nevertheless I did not presume upon the favor of the Ambassador, and was so far from doing these spiteful gentry any ill offices with his excellency, that I gladly seized every opportunity of serving them, in consequence of which they forbore to shew me any particular mark of their ill will, and we lived together on pretty tolerable terms.

While I was with the Ambassador, I did not disgrace the reputation I had acquired on account of my frolics at the palace of the Cardinal, and I was not very sparing of my tricks, as there could not be any place in the world that could open a wider field for them than the house of my new master. Parasites often came in at dinner time. My fellow pages and I were not at a loss to distinguish them from respectable people whom my master was really happy to see at his table. We took care to be very attentive to the latter, but as for the spungers who were most of them mere adventurers, they had but scurvy commons, which diverted the Ambassador exceedingly. One was suffered to ask in vain for drink during the whole meal; it was of no use to make signs, we pretended not to understand them. Another had his glass handed to him half full, and the glass shaped in such a fashion, that half the liquor would remain in the glass; which only tantalized his thirst. Another was served with water prepared of a red colour.--If a dainty morsel was carved for any one of these gentry, we changed his plate so quickly that the poor devil had scarcely time to taste it. In a word, we did every thing in our power to drive them all from his Excellency’s table, and were sometimes lucky enough to succeed.

Among the adventurers who were drawn together by the savory fumes which proceeded from our kitchen, there was a foreigner who surpassed all the others in impudence. He affirmed himself to be a relation of the Ambassador, though his manners were as opposite as possible to those of a man of quality. His brazen impudence was his only introduction, and in spite of the frozen reception he met with from his Excellency, he assiduously pestered him with his company at dinner. He did nothing but boast of himself and of his country:--the politeness of his countrymen,--their civilities to strangers, and their honesty, were topics of which he was never tired. As for the women, the wives were all Lucretias and the daughters Vestal Virgins. I should never have done if I were to repeat all the praises which he heaped upon the people of his own country: at last he wearied all the company with his foolish discourse, but especially my master, who being quite out of patience, said to me one day in Castilian, which this blade did not understand; “You know not, Guzman, how weary I am of this fellow’s rhodomontade.”

It may be supposed that this hint was not lost upon a page who was neither deaf nor a fool. I understood well enough that this troublesome personage must absolutely be got rid of. To accomplish this end, I posted myself behind his chair at dinner, and whenever he asked for drink, which happened almost every minute, I took a very large glass which I filled to the brim with so strong a sort of wine that it could not fail to intoxicate him speedily; when I saw that this was effected, I tied one of his legs to his own chair with a piece of silk twist, without any of the guests perceiving what I did. When dinner was ended, the Ambassador rose, and the company followed his example, but when my gentleman would have done the same, he and the chair had such a heavy fall together, that I am much mistaken if his nose and jaws did not rue the circumstance for a long time afterwards. I pretended to help him up and gently untied the string. Nevertheless, in spite of all the wine that he had drank, he perceived that every body laughed at his expense, and suspecting the cause of his disaster, he went away in a rage and never came again: which pleased his Excellency beyond measure, that he had so easily got rid of such a troublesome guest.

Having thus driven this spunger from the field, my companions and I next undertook the discomfiture of the others, but we found some who were not to be so easily disposed of. Amongst others, there was a Spanish bully, who called himself a gentleman of Cordova. He came one day about dinner time, and saluted his Excellency the Ambassador very ceremoniously, informing him that he was in pecuniary distress, and that his pressing necessity obliged him to disclose his situation.

My master, who easily understood the drift of all this harangue, took out a purse of pistoles, which he gave him unopened, and bowing politely, turned away from him; but the Cordovan, far from retiring upon this hint, followed him closely, and began talking of the dangers he had gone through, and at last had the effrontery to take a seat next to his Excellency at the table. “I hope,” said he, “your Excellency will not be offended at the liberty I am taking, but even if I was not a gentleman of family, my having served in his Majesty’s army, is sufficient to entitle me to the honor of eating with Princes. Besides,” added he, “the table of a Nobleman of your reputation, should always be open to Officers whose services have not met with a merited recompense.”

After this fine speech, he fell to on the dish nearest him, with the greatest avidity. He ate like a half starved glutton as he was. Then looking at me, who was nearest to him, he beckoned to me five or six times to bring him some wine; but unluckily for my gentleman, instead of paying any attention to his signs, I pretended that I did not observe them.

If he thought at first this neglect arose from carelessness or stupidity, he was soon undeceived, and perceived my roguish malice plain enough. “Page,” said he to me, in a loud voice, “have you been ordered to let me die with thirst?” Upon this, my master, who had no small inclination to laugh at this scene, nodded to me to serve this adventurer; but I took good care to give him one of the smallest glasses, and was even spiteful enough to hand it him half empty.

Just as this happened, and when I was carrying back the salver to the sideboard, there entered two other parasites whom I knew, by having frequently seen them at the Ambassador’s table. Not being able to find any vacant seats, they began to examine the guests, and particularly the pretended noble of Cordova, and as they seemed to me to regard him with an air of contempt, my curiosity was excited. I approached the new comers, and asked them if the gentleman whom they examined so attentively, was one of their acquaintance.

“Gentleman indeed!” cried one of the two; “surely you are jesting, my friend; learn that this fellow who is now filling at that table the seat which is only for respectable men, and whom you think to be of noble blood, is the son of a man who has often made boots for me, and who keeps a shop near the cathedral church of Cordova.” “If he comes in my way,” said the other, “I shall tell him something more than he will like to hear.” Speaking thus, these braggadocios looked very big, twisted their mustachios, and retreated together into the court yard to consider what steps they should next take.

When they had been there a short time, I went out and joined them: “Gentlemen,” said I, “this man whom you despise so much, affirms that you are a couple of despicable fellows, and says he is surprised at your impudence in daring to intrude yourselves here. If you will wait till he has dined, he will come and tell you more himself.” “Let him come; let him come;” cried they both together: “we will let him know whom he has to deal with.” Having thus enraged them against the Officer of Cordova, I returned to the latter, and in a whisper loud enough to be heard by the whole company, informed him that there were two gentlemen below, who wanted a moment’s conversation with him. “Let them have patience,” answered he; “I shall not quit his Excellency while he is at table.” “They affirm,” added I, “that you have announced yourself falsely as a cavalier of noble birth, and that you are but the son of a cobbler.” “Heaven and earth,” cried he, with a furious aspect, “can there be any one so tired of his life as to dare to talk in this manner of a man like me? where are these scoundrels?” continued he, rising from table, “where are they? their ears at least shall pay for their temerity.” “You have but to follow me,” said I, “and I will bring you to them instantly.” At these words I took him by the arm, and led him out of the room, though he seemed to have but little desire to quit it.

Immediately the Ambassador and the company hastened to the windows which looked into the court yard, to see the termination of the quarrel which I had contrived to stir up between these three bullies. “Gentlemen,” said I to the two who were walking the court, “here is the person whose father, if you are to be believed, is a Cordovan shoemaker.” “Let him thank his stars,” cried they, “that our hands are tied by the respect we owe to this palace, which we consider as belonging to the King of Spain.” Seeing the officer in such a panic that he could not utter a single syllable, I took up his cause. “Gentlemen,” said I, “this cavalier will go out directly if you wish it, and is ready to terminate his dispute with you in the street.” “No, no,” answered they, retreating with the utmost precipitation, “we shall take another opportunity to meet him.” Their retreat brought back the courage of our gallant, who pretended to treat them as cowards. He himself, therefore, went out a moment after them, but took care to choose a different road. The Ambassador and his guests were infinitely diverted with this ridiculous adventure, and a thousand witty things were said at their return to table, at the expense of our three adventurers. After dinner every one retired, whilst his Excellency withdrew to his chamber to enjoy his afternoon’s nap.

CHAP. XXIX.

_Of the Trick that Guzman played upon a Captain and a Lawyer, who came to dine at the Ambassador’s without having been invited._

Nothing afforded my master more pleasure than seeing his genteel acquaintance at his table; and he was often willing even to tolerate parasites, provided their wit compensated for their entertainment; but he was always much vexed at the appearance of the latter, when it so happened that he had a select party to dine with him. This being the case, you may well conceive that it was not without considerable pain that he saw two of these hangers-on enter his room one day, when he expected the French Ambassador and other persons of distinction to dine with him. One of these was a Captain, and the other a Lawyer, neither of whom wanted merit in his own line, but as they could talk on no other subject but their respective professions, they had become quite a nuisance in the house.

The Ambassador could not help bowing as he saw them enter, of which, however, they took not the slightest notice; and so far from taking their leave after this cold reception, they seemed determined to stay, and joined the rest of the company accordingly. My master looked at me, and I understood in an instant that it would not displease him if I could in any way divert the company at the expense of these gentlemen. Thus then I set about it.

You must be informed, in the first place, that the Lawyer, who was a grave, formal man, had a pair of huge whiskers, of which he took such particular care, that he scarcely dared even to smile for fear of discomposing them. I observed that he often took a sly peep at them with great delight, in a little mirror which he drew out of his pocket with his handkerchief, pretending all the while to be blowing his nose. Having taken particular notice of this manœuvre of his, I waited patiently until the dessert was placed on the table, when the conversation becoming lively, I soon had an opportunity of putting my plan in execution. I then went up to the Captain and whispered something to him which made him laugh. He answered me in the same tone, and so I continued laughing and whispering with him for a considerable time, always taking pains to look at the Lawyer, to make him think that we were talking of him. At length, when I thought it was time, I assumed a more serious air, and said aloud, as if still continuing the conversation, “No, no, Captain, I am your most humble servant, but I protest I can take no part in this joke, the respect that I owe my master, and his friend the Lawyer, will not permit me to take such a liberty.”

“What’s the matter, Guzman?” said my master, hearing this. “Truly, sir,” answered I, “the Captain can tell you better than I. He has been cracking jokes upon the Lawyer’s whiskers for some time past, and now wishes me to amuse the company with them.” “Come, come, Guzman,” said the French Ambassador, “let us know the whole of it.” “Since my master and you command it,” said I, “it is my duty to tell you. The Captain has been informing me that Mr. Lawyer keeps a wench to comb and dye his whiskers every morning, that they may not turn grey, and always sleeps on his back for fear of rumpling them. In short he has been amusing me on this subject for this quarter of an hour, trying to persuade me to repeat the jokes as though they were of my own invention; but it is not for a boy like me to rally so venerable a personage in this manner.”

The Captain, instead of denying what I asserted, laughed heartily, and all the company followed his example, without knowing whether I spoke truth or falsehood. The Lawyer hesitated for some moments how to take the joke; but not being able any longer to withstand the noble Captain’s immoderate laughter, “Rascal,” said he, in a rage, “you have good cause, truly, to rally me upon my age, you who boast of your services under Charles V. whom you never saw but in a picture! But I degrade myself by putting myself in comparison with a man of your stamp.” “Very fine, Mr. Lawyer,” interrupted the Captain, growing warm, “you forget the company we are in. Were I not more reasonable than you,”----“More reasonable!” cried the Lawyer in his turn, “why there is not a greater fool on the face of the earth.” The Captain had now entirely lost all temper, and would doubtless have answered his friend the Lawyer by throwing one of the plates at his head, had not the company interfered, and appeased them both. Neither of them, however, ventured to come to the house again; and thus I freed my master of two other most troublesome guests.

CHAP. XXX.

_The Ambassador falls in love with a Roman Lady; Guzman undertakes to assist him in his amour; his success._

I have already informed you, gentle reader, that the only blemish in the character of the Ambassador was his libertine principles respecting the fair sex. He had seen, though by what accident I never knew, the wife of a Roman knight, and speedily became violently enamoured of her. He had already put an old beldame on the scent, who was trained to the seduction of young women, but, however dextrous his agent might be, all her pains and exertions had hitherto proved useless, and my master was driven to despair. At last he opened his mind to me, and expressed the more surprise at Fabia’s withstanding his advances, as this lady, in the flower of her youth, was united to a husband who had all the disagreeable infirmities of old age. The design of this confidence was to engage me to assist him in this intrigue; which he had but little difficulty to accomplish. I undertook this honorable employment which my master conferred upon me, and on my informing him that I was particularly intimate with the waiting-maid of that lady, he conceived the most flattering hopes. He could not contain his joy on learning this circumstance; but embraced me, and said, that having her attendant and myself in his interest, he did not doubt that with our assistance he should, sooner or later, obtain the object of his desires. In the next conversation that I had with Nicoleta (which was the name of the lady’s maid) I contrived to engage her in my master’s favor. She spared no pains to ingratiate him with her mistress, by taking every opportunity of praising him, and of saying something in disparagement of the old husband. Nevertheless, after losing a great deal of time in attacking Fabia’s virtue by every sort of discourse the most likely to stagger it, she began to despair of success, when one morning that lady, putting on of a sudden a smiling air, said to her, “My dear Nicoleta, I will unfold to you the inmost recesses of my soul; I can no longer dissemble with you, so wholly devoted as you are to all my wishes. Learn then that I think the Spanish Ambassador every way worthy of the love of a woman of quality. I can no longer continue to treat him so harshly. But you know my character; you know that I am a slave to reputation. Find out some method to compromise my inclination for him with my delicacy, and if you can discover one that proves satisfactory, I shall no longer make any scruple of returning the passion of this amiable Nobleman. I allow you to divulge every thing to Guzman, and even wish that he may, if possible, be introduced to me to-night. You can bring him into the house secretly, and I shall be able to converse with him without discovery.” Nicoleta, who was transported with joy to see her mistress so favorably inclined towards my master, embraced her knees, kissed her hands, and acted a thousand fooleries before her, which testified her rapture. Then, in the hope of strengthening her resolution, she began to boast of the good qualities of the Ambassador; and concluded by assuring her that the intrigue should be conducted in so prudent a manner that no one living should have the slightest suspicion of it. Satisfied with these assurances, Fabia told her that she would leave every thing to her zeal and discretion.

Upon this, Nicoleta came to seek for me, and, as if the excess of her joy had almost deprived her of her senses, she threw her arms round my neck, crying out, “My dear friend, you will be transported at the agreeable news I bring you: my mistress resists no longer, but is willing to make your master the happiest of men.” I was so delighted at hearing these words, which I little expected, that I took Nicoleta by the hand, and led her like a triumphant general into my master’s closet, where we began to congratulate ourselves on the change that we had wrought in Fabia. His Excellency presented a purse of Spanish pistoles to the waiting-woman, who received them with a very good grace, after a little ceremonious reluctance, as is usual upon such occasions.

This officious agent at length retired, after she had carefully instructed me concerning the place where I was to meet her that night, and the hour of rendezvous when I was to be introduced to Fabia; and my master and I were left alone. We passed the whole afternoon in conversation on this intrigue, he relating to me how he first obtained a sight of the lady, and I congratulating him on his having made so agreeable an acquaintance.

At the appointed hour I hastened to the rendezvous, at the place fixed upon by Nicoleta, who came at last to inform me that her mistress could not see me that night, and this disappointment happened for three or four nights following. My patron and I did not augur very favorably from this beginning; nevertheless we did not totally despair; and, at last, one night the confidante informed me, through a small window on the ground-floor, that in a few minutes she could introduce me to her mistress.

You must know that the passage in which I stood was extremely muddy, and it poured with rain so as to wet me to the skin. I bore all this for two hours with a patience which nothing but my extreme zeal and attachment for my master could have inspired. At length I heard Nicoleta call me. I obeyed her summons instantly, and was led by her through a little door, which was shut to again as softly as it was opened. “Guzman,” said she, “I will just run and let Fabia know that you are here, and she will be with you in an instant.” The voice of my charmer soon made me forget my late wetting, and I thought of nothing but the happy moment in which I should behold the lady who had so captivated my master, and the extreme joy with which I should acquaint him that I had been so happy as to obtain an interview. It was not long before Fabia really came with her maid. “Nicoleta,” said she, “while I am conversing with Signor Guzman, do you watch my husband’s chamber, and should he perchance ask for me, lose no time in letting me know.”

It is impossible for me to tell you whether Fabia was in reality beautiful or ugly, for she had thought proper to receive me in the dark, so that I could not even see her face. In a low voice she began by inquiring anxiously after my health. I followed her example, and added the finest compliment I could think of in behalf of my master, whom I represented as dying for love of her; notwithstanding which, it appeared to me that she paid but little attention to what I was saying, for she constantly interrupted me in the most pathetic parts of my speech. At length she said, “Signor Guzman, I trust you will excuse me if I do not listen to you in the manner you deserve; but I am extremely alarmed lest some of my husband’s spies should overhear our conversation. Walk on a little way,” continued she, “and you will enter a parlour, where I entreat you will wait for me; meantime, I will just see that all is right in the house, and shall soon be with you again. Be sure you make no noise.”

I was weak enough to believe what she said, and groped my way forward, as if I had been playing at blindman’s buff. But instead of reaching a parlour, I found myself in a back yard, the pavement of which was so dirty and slippery, that after a few steps I rolled into a heap of mud, and, in rising again, struck my head with such violence against a wall hard by, that I lay for some time without sense or motion. Having, however, somewhat recovered of this shock, I groped very carefully along the wall in search of the parlour I had been directed to, and at last entered at a little door which I found open, confident that I must then be right. Again I was mistaken, and had the consolation to find myself in a narrow passage, which was not six feet in length, on each side of which were two drains from the house-top, and as it still continued pouring with rain, they had so inundated this spot, that I found myself on a sudden up to my knees in water. I ran back instantly, in the hope of retreating as I had entered, but the door was no longer open. Either the wind had blown it to, or some one, who had followed me close behind all the while, which indeed is more probable, had served me this trick. Be that as it may, I found myself obliged to make up my mind to pass the night in this swamp, where, as soon as I ran from one drain which was pouring upon my head, I found myself saluted by the other. “Out of the frying-pan into the fire,” muttered I to myself. “Oh, night, almost as dreadful as that in which I was confined under a tub, or tossed by devils in a blanket!”

Disagreeable, however, as my present reflections were, they were nothing in comparison with those with which I awaited the morning. “Wretched Guzman,” said I, “thou art at last then fairly entrapped! Fabia’s husband will doubtless inquire your business here the first thing in the morning. And what answer can you make? If you should tell the truth, for the first time in your life, you will make your master and yourself the common talk of Rome. What answer can you make then, but that Nicoleta had invited you, and that you were under a promise to marry her? And even should they oblige you to keep your word, this misfortune would be preferable to having all your bones broken to make you confess the truth. But who knows that they will even ask me a single question? Perhaps murder and bury me on the spot. Nothing can be too bad to fear from a jealous Italian husband.”

With these frightful thoughts was I haunted until break of day, when I fancied, all of a sudden, that I heard the yard-door being softly opened, and I flattered myself, at first, that it must be either the waiting-woman or her mistress come out of compassion to deliver me from my confinement; but nothing was less in their thoughts. The door, however, was certainly open, though I could see nobody who could possibly have opened it. I soon found myself again in the yard which I had passed through overnight, and having pushed open another door which was only on the latch, I reached the spot where the confidante had conversed with me, and looking up at the window through which she had spoken to me, I thanked Heaven that I had escaped so easily. I returned quickly to my master’s house, and threw myself upon my bed, wrapped up warmly in the bed-clothes, not without serious apprehensions of a most violent cold.

CHAP. XXXI.

_Guzman’s adventure with a large Hog, and its consequences._

My mind being too much agitated to allow me to sleep, I could not close my eyes; all my thoughts were engrossed by the adventure which had just happened to me. I attributed every thing to the vengeance of Fabia, whom I concluded to be a miracle of chastity, and judged that in order to undeceive the Ambassador, she had given his envoy this gallant reception. But I knew that this affair would raise a laugh with every body at my expense, and this vexed me more than all the rest. I was also at a loss to know in what way I should inform my master of the story, which sooner or later I was sure must come to his knowledge.

When the warmth of the bed had again put my half stagnated blood into circulation, I put on another suit of clothes in the place of that which the rain had honored with so fine a trimming, and presented myself before the Ambassador as though nothing had happened. I waited until he should question me, as he always did after he had finished dinner. He called me into his closet, when he said to me: “What is the reason Guzman of my not having seen you this morning? I expected you to give me an account of what took place last night at Fabia’s house. I am afraid you have but indifferent news to tell me.” “It is true, my lord,” answered I, “that my news is not the best in the world. I know not what to think of Fabia. I passed the whole of the night in the street, without hearing from or seeing either the lady or the maid. Would to heaven that you had never undertaken this affair!” “How comes it Guzman,” replied he, “that you are so soon discouraged? some unseasonable mischance perhaps has prevented Fabia from seeing you as she designed, and of which the maid might have been unable to inform you. Do not be disheartened, however, but return to-night to the same place where you waited for Nicoleta before.” I promised my master faithfully to obey his commands. A groom met me as I came out of his Excellency’s closet, and brought me a letter from a lady, he said, who had desired him to deliver it to me. ’Twas from the waiting maid. She was very much surprised, she informed me, that I had not seen her yet to communicate what passed last night between her mistress and myself; however, that I might make amends for my fault, I had only to repair towards evening to the lane behind Fabia’s house, where we could enjoy a private conversation through the well known little window. My hopes were raised on the perusal of this billet. At six in the evening I took care to be in the lane, which as I have already remarked was extremely narrow, and filled every where with mud up to one’s ancles. My dulcinea was waiting for me at the window, and at first began to reproach me sharply; but her tone was soon changed on my making an exact recital of what I had suffered, and she began to condole with me on my accident. The trick her mistress had put upon me seemed to excite in her the utmost surprise, and in spite of my prejudice against her, she almost persuaded me that she had no share in it. During this conversation, in order to shew my politeness and get nearer the window, I had raised myself up by standing on two stones, which exposed me to a new misfortune which my kickless fate inflicted upon me, as will appear in the sequel. While I was engrossed by the conversation, and thinking of nothing less than of the accident that was about to befal me, a cursed hog, of monstrous size, and covered with filth, rushed out of his sty, and ran between my legs, in so furious a manner, that he fairly carried me off on his back.

You may easily imagine the fine entertainment it afforded the spectators, who were but too numerous, as that part is generally filled with people, to see a man of my figure and dress gallop at full speed out of such a filthy place, mounted on an immense hog, grunting in the most horrid manner imaginable, covered with mud from head to foot, and clinging most lovingly to his neck, for fear I should break an arm or a leg against the wall, my hat and fine plume of feathers the devil knew where, as they had fallen off into the mud; all this I say, presented the passengers with a scene so comical, that they laughed, shouted, and made so much noise, that my accursed Bucephalus became more furious than ever. At last, not relishing the ardour with which I embraced him, he gave so violent a plunge, that he quickly got rid of his troublesome rider, for whom he took care to choose a soft bed after so fatiguing an exercise, as he deposited me in the very muddiest place possible: just at the entrance of the Square Navonne. Heavens! what a hue and cry was raised after me; an infinite number of all sorts of people surrounded me, and insulted my misfortune by a thousand scurvy witticisms, which I suffered in silence; overcome by shame and confusion, I thought of nothing but escaping into some house, and at last took shelter in one which seemed likely to afford me an asylum. I ran in, and slammed the door in the face of the scoundrels who hunted me so unmercifully. They did nothing but cry to the people of the house to turn me out again; and any one, to see their fury in persecuting me, would have concluded that I had committed some enormous crime which had brought on me this exemplary punishment. To crown my misfortune, the master of the house in which I had taken refuge, did not seem much inclined to take my part against the insolent rabble. As he was a jealous old fellow, and took every shadow for a gallant, he took it into his wise head to fancy that the lamentable pickle in which I entered his house was nothing but a trick I had made use of to cover the delivering of some amorous message. Filled with this preposterous idea, he attacked me with the most vehement language, and, seconded by his domestics, who followed his example, he kicked me out of his house, after their fists had bestowed on me a very sound drubbing. Behold me then a second time delivered into the power of these merciless jesters, who running after me as fast as I ran from them, renewed their jokes and insults. I had invoked every Saint in the Calendar, when Heaven taking pity upon me, sent to my assistance a young Spaniard, who kindly offered me his services, and those of three or four Italians who accompanied him. With their assistance (of which Heaven knows I stood in need), I escaped from my persecutors, while the Spaniard and his companions making use of the flat side of their swords, soon put them to flight. I made all the speed possible towards our Hotel, caring little for the snarling dogs that snapped at my heels in every street I ran through. At last I was lucky enough to reach home safe and sound, excepting a few bruises. I was even so fortunate as to reach my chamber door without meeting with a soul; but in vain did I search my pockets over and over again,--no key could I find, and I concluded that as I drew out my handkerchief to wipe my face, I had let it fall in the house where I had so unluckily taken refuge. “Ah! miserable wretch,” cried I to myself, “to what purpose have you extricated yourself from this embarrassment, if you cannot conceal it from the servants of the Ambassador? if any one should perceive you in your present pickle, he will inform the others, and you will become the jest of the house for months to come.” At last, after a long deliberation, I resolved to implore the assistance of one of my comrades, whose room was next to mine, and who had professed a great deal of good-will towards me. I went and rapped at the door of his room. He opened it, but seeing me so finely decorated, could not refrain from a roar of laughter, which burst from him in spite of his teeth. I was compelled to bear it all with patience. “My good friend,” said I, “when you have indulged your mirth sufficiently, I will request that you will do me the favor to go and fetch a locksmith to open my chamber door.” “I will go directly,” answered he, “but first do gratify my curiosity; tell me how this accident happened to you, I promise you never to reveal it to any living soul.” To get rid of so inquisitive a man, I invented and told him a story, in which there was not one word of truth: and as soon as I had finished, begged of him to go for the smith. It was with the utmost unwillingness that he left me in his chamber, he was so apprehensive that I should soil his furniture, that tired as I was, he obliged me to promise, in the most solemn manner, that I would not approach it, but that I would stand up at a distance until his return. Fortunately for me he returned in a very short time with a locksmith, who opened my door in a twinkling, and I made all the haste possible to change my clothes and linen, and thoroughly wash my face and hands of the filth that covered them.

I had scarcely got rid of my muddy decoration, when I was informed that the Ambassador wanted to speak to me. He had already heard the catastrophe of the hog. In the houses of men of rank, there are always servants who are ready enough to pay court to their masters by betraying their fellows. But my master had heard a very inaccurate account of this adventure. So he directly inquired of me how the accident happened, and whether it might not be attributed to the revenge of the husband of Fabia. I was delighted at his giving me himself so fine an opportunity for inventing a lie. I told him that two tall stout lubbers of footmen, having observed me talking to Nicoleta in the lane, had thought proper to begin joking me on the subject; that I had answered them; that from words we proceeded to blows, and that in all probability I should have killed one of them at least, had it not happened fortunately for him, that a hog rushed furiously out of an inclosure near the spot, which running against me had thrown me into the mud; and that when I sprang up again to renew the engagement, my enemies had taken to their heels in the most cowardly manner. His Excellency was completely duped by this bragging recital. But though for that evening he was imposed upon, the very next morning he learnt the whole truth, and at dinner time I did not fail to hear of it. He bantered me pretty severely on my encounter with the footmen, and honored me with the title of “The Knight of the Hog.” I should have been the first to laugh at his jests if we had been by ourselves, but the other servants were present, and of course highly delighted to see me so jeered by my master, as they augured from that circumstance, that I should soon cease to be his favorite. Another circumstance still more vexatious occurred shortly after; one of the Ambassador’s friends (who was consequently one of my enemies), waited upon him, to communicate, as he said, a very important affair. My master requested him to explain himself, which he did in these words, or at least in terms of the same import: “The warm interest I take in every thing that concerns you, compels me to inform you of a report which is circulated in Rome, very much to your disadvantage. Guzman, whose conduct is really very bad, passes for the agent of your pleasures. The adventure of the hog is become the general topic of conversation, and scandal has gone so far as to assert that Guzman was employed in the execution of some love embassy when he became the sport of the populace.”

It may be conceived that these words made a very great impression on the mind of such a man as the Ambassador, who knew so well what became the dignity of his character and the honor of the Prince whom he represented. From that moment he resolved to get rid of me; and though at that time he took no notice of it, and behaved towards me as usual, I knew him too well, not to perceive that he dissembled, and what turn my affairs were likely to take in that quarter. The season of Lent, which now approached, furnished him with a plausible pretext to put in practice the design he had formed of estranging me more from his person.

He said “that he was resolved to quit his course of dissipation and libertinism, and live a more regular life. I will even confess to you,” added he, “that I have abandoned my designs on Fabia. My reason is restored. I see the great impropriety I committed in attempting the seduction of that lady; her husband is one of the first men in Rome, and I shall never cease to reproach myself with having meditated the dishonor of his wife.” He discoursed with me frequently in this style, and I pretended to believe him. I did more, I applauded his resolution, and in my turn counterfeited the repentant sinner; telling him, that I would follow his example. In fact, I altered my conduct, and made all kinds of hypocritical grimaces, to induce the servants, and particularly my master, to think that I had abandoned love intrigues for ever.

CHAP. XXXII.

_Guzman resolves to leave Rome on a Tour through Italy, with the intention of visiting every thing worthy of notice in that Country._

I spent nearly all my time in my own room, where every day was passed in reading, and in receiving a few visitors. One day, the young Spaniard who had so generously proffered his services in the hog adventure, chanced to call in, for the sole purpose, as he said, of inquiring after my health. You will readily imagine that I did not fail to receive, in the most cordial manner, a man to whom I felt myself so much obliged. I repeated my most sincere thanks for his kind assistance on that occasion, assuring him that I could not express how frequently I had regretted that my ignorance of his name and abode had prevented an earlier acknowledgment of his kindness. He answered with apparent modesty, “that any thanks were superfluous; that being a Spaniard and a man of honor, it was but a duty to afford every assistance in his power to rescue a gentleman of my appearance from the insults of the mob.” No sooner had he informed me he was my countryman, than I asked him in what part of Spain he was born. “I am,” said he, “a native of Seville, and Sayavedra is my name.” Upon hearing this, I redoubled my civilities, as I knew it to be one of the most illustrious families in our city. His accent was certainly Andalusian, and I was not myself better acquainted with Seville: though in fact he was a native of Valencia, which he had his reasons for concealing. I offered him my own services, and the credit of my master upon any occasion he might require them. He thanked me for my good wishes, and told me that he had a suit in the Ecclesiastical Court, which he hoped would terminate favorably; but that if the persons whose interest he relied on, should not be successful in their exertions, he would certainly avail himself of my proffered mediation in his favor. As in the course of conversation I happened to mention that I might generally be found at home, as I very rarely left the house, he inquired the reason. I frankly confessed to him that I did not dare to shew myself in the streets since the affair of the hog; and that I wished the circumstance to die away and be wholly forgotten, before I ventured much into public. He very much approved of this, and offered to accompany me himself with his friends, in case any unavoidable event should oblige me to go out. I felt truly grateful for so obliging an offer, and embraced him with every token of friendship, and overwhelmed him with acknowledgments; he was not behind hand with me in politeness, and though he very much approved of my reasons for confining myself at home, he seemed to think that I must lead a very tiresome life, and recommended me to travel; he mentioned Venice, Bologna, Pisa, and Florence, assuring me that I should find each of those places well worthy of my inspection, and concluded by remarking that I could return to Rome whenever I thought proper, after the disagreeable affair had blown over.

I gave Sayavedra to understand that nothing could be more to my taste than what he proposed, and that I should not hesitate to follow his advice, provided I could gain the consent of my master, as I wished to be ruled by him in every thing. Then this imp of Satan, who was both Andalusian and Valencian, and who had I dare say (according to his own account afterwards) been a native of half the cities of Europe, gave me such an engaging description of all the places he mentioned, that my inclination to visit them increased vehemently. My thoughts were so occupied with this scheme, that the ensuing day, as I was dressing the Ambassador, I spoke to him in these words. “I do not know, my Lord, if you will approve of a design which I intend to execute if I obtain your permission. I wish to make a tour of Italy, and indeed I think it would not be amiss if I were to absent myself from Rome for a short period.” His Excellency could not repress his joy in learning these words. “Guzman,” cried he, “I am charmed with the scheme beyond measure: yes, my friend, you will act wisely to keep out of sight for a few months; it will be serviceable to both of us.