Chapter C: H a P. XXI

——I would be picquetted to death, cried the corporal, as he concluded _Susannah_’s story, before I would suffer the woman to come to any harm,—’twas my fault, an’ please your honour,—not her’s.

Corporal _Trim_, replied my uncle _Toby_, putting on his hat which lay upon the table,——if any thing can be said to be a fault, when the service absolutely requires it should be done,—’tis I certainly who deserve the blame,—you obeyed your orders.

Had count _Solmes_, _Trim_, done the same at the battle of _Steenkirk_, said _Yorick_, drolling a little upon the corporal, who had been run over by a dragoon in the retreat,——he had saved thee;——Saved! cried _Trim_, interrupting _Yorick_, and finishing the sentence for him after his own fashion,——he had saved five battalions, an’ please your reverence, every soul of them:——there was _Cutt_ ’s,—continued the corporal, clapping the forefinger of his right hand upon the thumb of his left, and counting round his hand,——there was _Cutt _’s,——_Mackay _’s,——_Angus _’s,——_Graham _’s,——and _Leven _’s, all cut to pieces;——and so had the _English_ life-guards too, had it not been for some regiments upon the right, who marched up boldly to their relief, and received the enemy’s fire in their faces, before any one of their own platoons discharged a musket,——they’ll go to heaven for it,—added _Trim._—_Trim_ is right, said my uncle _Toby_, nodding to _Yorick_,——he’s perfectly right. What signified his marching the horse, continued the corporal, where the ground was so strait, that the _French_ had such a nation of hedges, and copses, and ditches, and fell’d trees laid this way and that to cover them (as they always have).——Count _Solmes_ should have sent us,——we would have fired muzzle to muzzle with them for their lives.——There was nothing to be done for the horse:——he had his foot shot off however for his pains, continued the corporal, the very next campaign at _Landen._—Poor _Trim_ got his wound there, quoth my uncle _Toby._——’Twas owing, an’ please your honour, entirely to count _Solmes_,——had he drubbed them soundly at _Steenkirk_, they would not have fought us at _Landen._——Possibly not,——_Trim_, said my uncle _Toby;_——though if they have the advantage of a wood, or you give them a moment’s time to intrench themselves, they are a nation which will pop and pop for ever at you.——There is no way but to march coolly up to them,——receive their fire, and fall in upon them, pell-mell——Ding dong, added _Trim._——Horse and foot, said my uncle _Toby._——Helter Skelter, said _Trim._——Right and left, cried my uncle _Toby._——Blood an’ ounds, shouted the corporal;——the battle raged,——_Yorick_ drew his chair a little to one side for safety, and after a moment’s pause, my uncle _Toby_ sinking his voice a note,—resumed the discourse as follows.

C H A P. XXII

KING _William_, said my uncle _Toby_, addressing himself to _Yorick_, was so terribly provoked at count _Solmes_ for disobeying his orders, that he would not suffer him to come into his presence for many months after.——I fear, answered _Yorick_, the squire will be as much provoked at the corporal, as the King at the count.——But ’twould be singularly hard in this case, continued be, if corporal _Trim_, who has behaved so diametrically opposite to count _Solmes_, should have the fate to be rewarded with the same disgrace:——too oft in this world, do things take that train.——I would spring a mine, cried my uncle _Toby_, rising up,——and blow up my fortifications, and my house with them, and we would perish under their ruins, ere I would stand by and see it.——_Trim_ directed a slight,——but a grateful bow towards his master,——and so the chapter ends.

C H A P. XXIII

——Then, _Yorick_, replied my uncle _Toby_, you and I will lead the way abreast,——and do you, corporal, follow a few paces behind us.——And _Susannah_, an’ please your honour, said _Trim_, shall be put in the rear.——’Twas an excellent disposition,—and in this order, without either drums beating, or colours flying, they marched slowly from my uncle _Toby_’s house to _Shandy-hall._

——I wish, said _Trim_, as they entered the door,—instead of the sash weights, I had cut off the church spout, as I once thought to have done.—You have cut off spouts enow, replied _Yorick._

C H A P. XXIV

As many pictures as have been given of my father, how like him soever in different airs and attitudes,—not one, or all of them, can ever help the reader to any kind of preconception of how my father would think, speak, or act, upon any untried occasion or occurrence of life.—There was that infinitude of oddities in him, and of chances along with it, by which handle he would take a thing,—it baffled, Sir, all calculations.——The truth was, his road lay so very far on one side, from that wherein most men travelled,—that every object before him presented a face and section of itself to his eye, altogether different from the plan and elevation of it seen by the rest of mankind.—In other words, ’twas a different object, and in course was differently considered:

This is the true reason, that my dear _Jenny_ and I, as well as all the world besides us, have such eternal squabbles about nothing.—She looks at her outside,—I, at her in—. How is it possible we should agree about her value?

C H A P. XXV

’TIS a point settled,—and I mention it for the comfort of _Confucius_,[24] who is apt to get entangled in telling a plain story—that provided he keeps along the line of his story,—he may go backwards and forwards as he will,—’tis still held to be no digression.

This being premised, I take the benefit of the _act of going backwards_ myself.

[24] Mr _Shandy_ is supposed to mean * * * * * * * * * * *, Esq; member for * * * * * *,——and not the _Chinese_ Legislator.