Chapter III: Act III (2)

My dear Vale, I am dreadfully sorry to bother you. Two ladies, one the wife of a very old friend of mine, have followed me here and want half a dozen words with me alone. I am in your hands--how can I manage it?

VALE.

My dear fellow, don't mention it. Let me go into another room.

LUKYN.

Thank you, very much. You're so hungry too. Where's the waiter? Confound him, he's gone!

VALE.

All right. I'll pop in here.

[_He passes behind sofa and tries the door leading into the other room._

CIS.

[_Within._] What do you want? Who's there?

VALE.

Occupied--never mind--I'll find my way somewhere.

[_There is a knock; VALE draws back._

BLOND.

[_Without._] Colonel, are you alone? The ladies.

LUKYN.

One moment. Deuce take it, Vale! The ladies don't want to be seen. By George--I remember. There's a little balcony to that window; step out for a few moments--keep quiet--I shan't detain you--it's nothing important--husband must have had a fit or something.

VALE.

Oh, certainly!

LUKYN.

Good fellow--here's your hat.

[_In his haste he fetches his own hat._

BLOND.

[_Outside, knocking._] Colonel, Colonel!

LUKYN.

One moment. [_Giving his hat to VALE._] Awfully sorry. You're so hungry too. [_VALE puts on the hat, which is much too large for him._] Ah, that's my hat.

VALE.

My dear Lukyn--don't mention it.

[_Opening the window and going out._

LUKYN.

[_Drawing the curtain over the recess._] Just room for him to stand like a man in a sentry-box. Come in, Blond.

_BLOND shows in AGATHA and CHARLOTTE, both wearing veils._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Agitated._] Oh, Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

Pray compose yourself, pray compose yourself!

AGATHA POSKET.

What will you think?

LUKYN.

That I am perfectly enchanted.

AGATHA POSKET.

Thank you. [_Pointing to CHARLOTTE._] My sister.

[_LUKYN and CHARLOTTE bow._

LUKYN.

Be seated. Blond? [_Softly to him._] Keep the waiter out till I ring--that's all.

[_The loud pattering of rain is heard._

BLOND.

Yes, Colonel.

LUKYN.

Good gracious, Blond! What's that?

BLOND.

The rain outside. It is cats and dogs.

LUKYN.

[_Horrified._] By George, is it? [_To himself, looking towards window._] Poor devil! [_To BLOND._] There isn't any method of getting off that balcony, is there?

BLOND.

No--unless by getting on to it.

LUKYN.

What do you mean?

BLOND.

It is not at all safe. Don't use it.

[_LUKYN stands horror-stricken; BLOND goes out. Heavy rain is heard._

LUKYN.

[_After some nervous glances at the window, wiping perspiration from his forehead._] I am honoured, Mrs. Posket, by this visit--though for a moment--I can't imagine----

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn, we drove to Cork Street to your lodgings, and there your servant told us you were supping at the Hotel des Princes, with a friend. No one will be shown into this room while we are here?

LUKYN.

No--we--ah--shall not be disturbed. [_To himself._] Good heavens, suppose I never see him alive again!

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Sighing wearily._] Ah!

LUKYN.

I'm afraid you've come to tell me Posket is ill.

AGATHA POSKET.

I--no--my husband is at home.

[_A sharp gust of wind is heard with the rain._

LUKYN.

Lord forgive me! I've killed him.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_With horror._] Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

Madam!

AGATHA POSKET.

Indeed Mr. Posket is at home.

LUKYN.

[_Glancing at the window._] Is he? I wish we all were.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To herself._] Sunstroke evidently. Poor fellow! [_To LUKYN._] I assure you my husband is at home, quite well, and by this time sleeping soundly.

[_CIS and MR. POSKET are heard laughing in the next room._

ISIDORE.

[_Within._] You are two funny gentlemen, I beg your pardon.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Startled._] What is that?

LUKYN.

In the next room. [_Raps at the door._] Hush--hush, hush!

CHARLOTTE.

Get it over, Aggy, and let us go home. I am so awfully hungry.

LUKYN.

[_Peering through the curtains._] It is still bearing him. What's his weight? Surely he can't scale over ten stone. Lord, how wet he is!

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

[_Leaving the window sharply._] Madam, command me!

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn, we knew each other at Baroda twenty years ago.

LUKYN.

When I look at you, impossible.

AGATHA POSKET.

Ah, then you mustn't look at me.

LUKYN.

Equally impossible.

CHARLOTTE.

[_To herself._] Oh, I feel quite out of this.

AGATHA POSKET.

You were at my little boy's christening.

LUKYN.

[_Absently._] Yes--yes--certainly.

AGATHA POSKET.

You remember what a fine little fellow he was.

LUKYN.

[_Thoughtfully._] Not a pound over ten stone.

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

I beg your pardon, yes--I was at the christening of your boy.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To herself._] One of the worst cases of sunstroke I have ever known.

LUKYN.

I remember the child very well. Has he still got that absurd mug?

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

Madam!

AGATHA POSKET.

My child is, and always was--perfect.

LUKYN.

You misunderstand me! I was his godfather; I gave him a silver cup.

AGATHA POSKET.

Oh, do excuse me. How did I become acquainted with such a vulgar expression? I don't know where I pick up my slang. It must be through loitering at shop windows. Oh, oh, oh!

LUKYN.

Pray compose yourself. I'll leave you for a moment.

[_Going to the window._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To CHARLOTTE._] How shall I begin, Charley?

CHARLOTTE.

Make a bold plunge, do! The odour of cooking here, to a hungry woman, is maddening.

[_VALE softly opens the window and comes into the recess, but remains concealed by the curtain._

VALE.

[_To himself._] This is too bad of Lukyn! I'm wet to the skin and frightfully hungry! Who the deuce are these women?

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

Madam. [_Listening._] No crash yet.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Impulsively laying her hand upon his arm._] Friend of twenty years! I will be quite candid with you. You are going to dine with us, to-morrow?

LUKYN.

Madam, I will repay your candour as it deserves. I am.

AGATHA POSKET.

My husband knows of your acquaintance with the circumstances of my first marriage. I know what men are. When the women leave the dinner-table, men become retrospective. Now, to-morrow night, over dessert, I beg you not to give my husband dates.

LUKYN.

Eh?

AGATHA POSKET.

Keep anything like dates from him.

LUKYN.

Mustn't eat stone fruit?

AGATHA POSKET.

No, I mean years, months, days, dates connected with my marriage with Mr. Farringdon.

LUKYN.

Dear me, sore subject!

AGATHA POSKET.

I will be more than candid with you. My present husband, having a very short vacation in the discharge of his public duties, wooed me but for three weeks; you, who have in your time courted and married, know the material of which that happy period is made up. The future is all-engrossing to the man; the presents--I mean the present, a joyous dream to the woman. But in dealing with my past I met with more than ordinary difficulties.

LUKYN.

Don't see why--late husband died a natural death--wasn't stood on a balcony or anything.

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn, you know I was six-and-thirty at the time of my recent marriage!

LUKYN.

You surprise me!

AGATHA POSKET.

You know it! Be frank, Lukyn! Am I not six-and-thirty?

LUKYN.

You are.

AGATHA POSKET.

Very well, then. In a three weeks' engagement how was it possible for me to deal with the various episodes of six-and-thirty years? The past may be pleasant, golden, beautiful--but one may have too much of a good thing.

LUKYN.

[_To himself._] I am in that position now.

AGATHA POSKET.

The man who was courting me was seeking relaxation from the discharge of multifarious responsibilities. How could I tax an already wearied attention with the recital of the events of thirty-six years?

LUKYN.

What did you do?

AGATHA POSKET.

Out of consideration for the man I loved, I sacrificed five years of happy girlhood--told him I was but one-and-thirty--that I had been married only fifteen years previously--that my boy was but fourteen!

LUKYN.

By George, madam, and am I to subscribe to all this?

AGATHA POSKET.

I only ask you to avoid the question of dates.

LUKYN.

But, at a man's dinner-table----

AGATHA POSKET.

You need not spoil a man's dinner. Not only a man's--but a woman's! Lukyn, Lukyn! Promise!

LUKYN.

Give me a second to think.

[_LUKYN, turning away, discovers CHARLOTTE in the act of lifting the covers from the dishes and inspecting the contents._

LUKYN.

Ah, devilled oysters!

CHARLOTTE.

Oh!

[_Drops dish-cover with a crash, and runs over to the table and speaks to AGATHA POSKET._

LUKYN.

Don't go--pray look at 'em again--wish I could persuade you to taste them. What am I to do? Shall I promise? Poor Posket! If I don't promise she'll cry and won't go home. The oysters are nearly cold--cold! What must _he_ be! [_Drawing aside the curtain, and not seeing VALE, he staggers back._] Gone--and without a cry--brave fellow, brave fellow!

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn.

LUKYN.

Decay of stamina in the army--pah! The young 'uns are worthy of our best days.

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn, will you promise?

LUKYN.

Promise? Anything, my dear madam, anything.

AGATHA POSKET.

Ah, thank you! May I ask you to see us to our cab?

LUKYN.

Certainly! Thank heaven, they're going!

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To CHARLOTTE._] It's all right; come along!

CHARLOTTE.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] Oh, those oysters look so nice.

LUKYN.

[_To himself._] Stop! In my trouble, I am forgetting even the commonest courtesies to these ladies. [_To AGATHA POSKET._] You have a long journey before you. I am sure your husband would not forgive me for letting you face such weather unprepared. Let me recommend an oyster or two and a thimbleful of champagne.

AGATHA POSKET.

No, thank you, Colonel Lukyn.

CHARLOTTE.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] Say yes. I'm starving.

LUKYN.

As you please. [_To himself._] I knew they'd refuse. I've done my duty.

CHARLOTTE.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] I was in the train till seven o'clock. Wait till you're a _boná-fide_ traveller--accept.

AGATHA POSKET.

Ahem! Colonel, the fact is my poor sister has been travelling all day and is a little exhausted.

LUKYN.

[_Horrified._] You don't mean to say you're going to give me the inestimable pleasure. [_CHARLOTTE looks across at him, nodding and smiling._] I am delighted.

[_CHARLOTTE sits hungrily at table; LUKYN fetches a bottle of champagne from the sideboard._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To CHARLOTTE._] Charlotte, I am surprised.

CHARLOTTE.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] Nonsense, the best people come here. Some of them have left their names on the mirrors.

VALE.

[_Behind the curtain._] This is much too bad of Lukyn. What are they doing now? [_LUKYN draws the cork._] Confound it, they're having my supper!

[_LUKYN pours out wine._

CHARLOTTE.

Why doesn't he give me something to eat?

[_There is a clatter of knives and forks heard from the other room, then a burst of laughter from CIS._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Starting._] Charley, hark! How strange!

CHARLOTTE.

Very. This bread is beautiful.

[_CIS is heard singing the chorus of a comic song boisterously._

AGATHA POSKET.

Don't you recognise that voice?

CHARLOTTE.

[_Munching._] The only voice I recognise is the voice of hunger.

AGATHA POSKET.

I am overwrought, I suppose.

[_LUKYN, with his head drooping, fetches the dish of oysters from the sideboard._

VALE.

[_Behind the curtains._] He has taken the oysters. I've seen him do it.

LUKYN.

The oysters.

[_LUKYN sinks into his chair at the table and leans his head upon his hand; the two women look at each other._

CHARLOTTE.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] Anything wrong?

AGATHA POSKET.

Sunstroke--bad case!

CHARLOTTE.

Oh--poor fellow. [_She gently lifts the corner of the dish, sniffs, then replaces cover._] No plates.

AGATHA POSKET.

Ask for them.

CHARLOTTE.

You ask.

AGATHA POSKET.

You're hungry.

CHARLOTTE.

You're married. Comes better from you.

VALE.

[_Behind curtains._] This silence is terrible.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To LUKYN._] Ahem! Ahem!

LUKYN.

[_Looking up suddenly._] Eh?

AGATHA POSKET.

There are no plates.

LUKYN.

No plates? No plates? It's my fault. Pardon me. Where are the plates?

[_VALE, still invisible, stretches out his hand through the curtain, takes up the plates and presents them to LUKYN, who recoils._

VALE.

[_In a whisper._] Here are the plates. Look sharp, Lukyn.

LUKYN.

Vale! safe and sound! [_He takes the plates, then grasps VALE'S extended hand._] Bless you, old fellow. I'm myself again. [_Going gaily to the table with the plates._] My dear ladies, I blush--I positively blush--I am the worst host in the world.

VALE.

[_To himself._] By Jove, that's true.

AGATHA POSKET.

Not at all--not at all.

LUKYN.

[_Helping the ladies._] I'll make amends, by George! You may have noticed I've been confoundedly out of sorts. That's my temperament-- now up, now down. I've just taken a turn, ha, ha! Oysters.

[_Handing plate to AGATHA POSKET._

AGATHA POSKET.

Thank you.

LUKYN.

Ah! I've passed many a happy hour in this room. The present is not the least happy.

CHARLOTTE.

[_Trying to attract his attention._] Ahem! Ahem!

LUKYN.

[_Gazing up at the ceiling._] My first visit to the Hotel des Princes was in the year--the year--let me think.

CHARLOTTE.

[_Whispering to AGATHA POSKET._] Isn't he going to help me?

LUKYN.

Was it in '55?

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Quickly passing her plate over to CHARLOTTE._] I'm not hungry.

CHARLOTTE.

You're a dear.

LUKYN.

[_Emphatically._] It _was_ in '55. I'm forgetful again--pardon me. [_He hands plate of oysters to CHARLOTTE, and is surprised to find her eating vigorously._] Why, I thought I---- [_To AGATHA POSKET._] My dear madam, a thousand apologies. [_He helps her and then himself._] Pah! they're cold--icy--you could skate on 'em. There's a dish of something else over there.

[_He goes to the sideboard; VALE'S hand is again stretched forth with the other covered dish._

VALE.

I say, Lukyn.

LUKYN.

[_Taking the dish._] Thanks, old fellow. [_He returns to the table and lifts the cover._] Soles--they look tempting. If there are only some lemons! Surely they are not so brutal as to have forgotten the lemons. Where are they? [_He returns to the sideboard._] Where are they? [_In an undertone to VALE._] Have you seen any lemons?

AGATHA POSKET.

Pray, think less of us, Colonel Lukyn. Let me take care of you.

LUKYN.

You're very kind. I wish you would let me ring for some lemons.

[_VALE'S hand comes as before from behind the curtain to the sideboard, finds the dish of lemons, and holds it out at arm's length._

VALE.

[_In a whisper._] Lemons.

[_AGATHA POSKET is helping LUKYN, when suddenly CHARLOTTE, with her fork in the air, leans back open-mouthed, staring wildly at VALE'S arm extended with the dish._

CHARLOTTE.

[_In terror._] Agatha! Agatha!

AGATHA POSKET.

Charlotte! what's the matter, Charley?

CHARLOTTE.

Agatha!

AGATHA POSKET.

You're ill, Charlotte! Surely you are not choking?

CHARLOTTE.

[_Pointing to the curtains._] Look, look!

[_They both scream._

LUKYN.

Don't be alarmed--I----

CHARLOTTE. }

What's that? } } [_Together._] AGATHA POSKET. }

Who's that? }

LUKYN.

I can explain. Don't condemn till you've heard. I--I---- Damn it, sir, put these lemons down!

CHARLOTTE.

He calls him "Sir"--it must be a man.

LUKYN.

It is a man. I am not in a position to deny that.

AGATHA POSKET.

Really, Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

It is my friend. He--he--he's merely waiting for his supper.

AGATHA POSKET.

Your friend. [_To CHARLOTTE._] Come home, dear.

LUKYN.

Do, do hear me! To avoid the embarrassment of your encountering a stranger, he retreated to the balcony.

AGATHA POSKET.

To the balcony? You have shamefully compromised two trusting women, Colonel Lukyn.

LUKYN.

I would have laid down my life rather than have done so. I did lay down my friend's life.

AGATHA POSKET.

He has overheard every confidential word I have spoken to you.

LUKYN.

Hear his explanation. Why the devil don't you corroborate me, sir?

VALE.

[_From behind the curtain._] Certainly, I assure you I heard next to nothing.

CHARLOTTE.

[_Grasping AGATHA POSKET'S arm._] Oh, Agatha!

VALE.

I didn't come in till I was exceedingly wet.

LUKYN.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] You hear that?

VALE.

And when I did come in----

CHARLOTTE.

[_Hysterically._] Horace!

VALE.

I beg your pardon.

CHARLOTTE.

It's Horace, Captain Vale.

VALE.

[_Coming from behind the curtain, looking terribly wet._] Charlotte--Miss Verrinder.

CHARLOTTE.

What are you doing here? What a fright you look.

VALE.

What am I doing here, Miss Verrinder? Really, Lukyn, your conduct calls for some little explanation.

LUKYN.

My conduct, sir?

VALE.

You make some paltry excuse to turn me out in the rain while you entertain a lady who you know has very recently broken my heart.

LUKYN.

I didn't know anything of the kind.

VALE.

I told you, Colonel Lukyn--this isn't the conduct of an officer and a gentleman.

LUKYN.

Whose isn't, yours or mine?

VALE.

Mine. I mean yours.

LUKYN.

You are in the presence of ladies, sir; take off my hat.

VALE.

I beg your pardon. I didn't know I had it on.

[_He throws the hat away, and the two men exchange angry words._

CHARLOTTE.

He's a very good-looking fellow; you don't see a man at his best when he's wet through.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To LUKYN._] Colonel Lukyn, do you ever intend to send for a cab?

LUKYN.

Certainly, madam.

VALE.

One moment. I have some personal explanation to exchange with Miss Verrinder.

CHARLOTTE.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] The slippers. [_To VALE._] I am quite ready, Captain Vale.

VALE.

Thank you. Colonel Lukyn, will you oblige me by stepping out on to that balcony?

LUKYN.

Certainly not, sir.

VALE.

You're afraid of the wet, Colonel Lukyn; you are no soldier.

LUKYN.

You know better, sir. As a matter of fact, that balcony can't bear a man like me.

VALE.

Which shows that inanimate objects have a great deal of common-sense, sir.

LUKYN.

You don't prove it in your own instance, Captain Vale.

VALE.

That's a verbal quibble, sir.

[_They talk angrily._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To CHARLOTTE._] It's frightfully late. Tell him to write to you.

CHARLOTTE.

I must speak to him to-night; life is too short for letters.

AGATHA POSKET.

Then he can telegraph.

CHARLOTTE.

Half-penny a word and he has nothing but his pay.

AGATHA POSKET.

Very well, then, Lady Jenkins has a telephone. I'll take you there to tea to-morrow. If he loves you, tell him to ring up 1338091.

CHARLOTTE.

You thoughtful angel!

LUKYN.

Mrs. Posket--Miss Verrinder--ahem--we----

VALE.

Colonel Lukyn and myself----

LUKYN.

Captain Vale and I fear that we have been betrayed, in a moment of----

VALE.

Natural irritation.

LUKYN.

Natural irritation, into the atrocious impropriety of differing----

VALE.

Before ladies.

LUKYN.

Charming ladies----

VALE.

We beg your pardon--Lukyn!

LUKYN.

Vale. [_They grasp hands._] Mrs. Posket, I am now going out to hail a cab.

AGATHA POSKET.

Pray do.

LUKYN.

Miss Verrinder, the process will occupy five minutes.

VALE.

[_Giving his hat to LUKYN._] Lukyn, I return your kindness--my hat.

LUKYN.

Thank you, my boy.

[_LUKYN puts on VALE'S hat, which is much too small for him. As he is going out there is a knock at the door; he opens it; BLOND is outside._

BLOND.

Colonel, it is ten minutes past the time of closing, may I ask you to dismiss your party?

LUKYN.

Pooh! Isn't this a free country?

[_He goes out._

BLOND.

Yes, you are free to go home, Colonel. I shall get into trouble.

[_Following him out._

CHARLOTTE.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] I'll have the first word. Really, Captain Vale, I'm surprised at you.

VALE.

There was a happy time, Miss Verrinder, when I might have been surprised at you.

CHARLOTTE.

A few hours ago it was--"By Jove, all is over." Now I find you with a bosom friend enjoying devilled oysters.

VALE.

I beg your pardon, I find you enjoying devilled oysters.

CHARLOTTE.

Horace Vale, you forget you have forfeited the right to exercise any control over my diet.

VALE.

One would think I had broken off our engagement.

CHARLOTTE.

If you have not, who has? I have your letter saying all is over between us. [_Putting her handkerchief to her eyes._] That letter will be stamped tomorrow at Somerset House. I know how to protect myself.

VALE.

Charlotte, can you explain your conduct with Gordon Bristow?

CHARLOTTE.

I could if I chose; a young lady can explain anything.

VALE.

But he is showing your gift to our fellows all over the place.

CHARLOTTE.

It was a debt of honour. He laid me a box of gloves to a pair of slippers about "Forked Lightning" for the Regimental Cup, and "Forked Lightning" went tender at the heel. I couldn't come to you with debts hanging over me. [_Crying._] I'm too conscientious.

VALE.

By Jove, I've been a brute.

CHARLOTTE.

Y-y-yes.

VALE.

Can you forget I ever wrote that letter?

CHARLOTTE.

That must be a question of time. [_She lays her head on his shoulder and then removes it._] How damp you are. [_She puts her handkerchief upon his shoulder, and replaces her head. She moves his arm gradually up and arranges it round her shoulder._] If you went on anyhow every time I discharged an obligation, we should be most unhappy.

VALE.

I promise you I won't mention Bristow's slippers again. By Jove, I won't--there.

CHARLOTTE.

Very well, then, if you do that I'll give you my word I won't pay any more debts before our marriage.

VALE.

My darling!

[_About to embrace him, but remembering that he is wet._

CHARLOTTE.

No--no--you are too damp.

ISIDORE.

[_Outside._] I beg your pardon, it is a quarter of an hour over our time.

[_AGATHA POSKET has been sitting on the sofa; suddenly she starts, listening intently._

MR. POSKET.

[_Outside._] I know--I know. I'm going directly I can get the boy away.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To herself._] Æneas!

CIS.

[_Outside._] All right, Guv, you finish your bottle.

AGATHA POSKET.

My boy.

ISIDORE.

[_Outside._] Gentlemen, come--come.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To herself._] Miserable deceiver! This, then, is the club, and the wretched man conspires to drag my boy down to his own awful level. What shall I do? I daren't make myself known here. I know; I'll hurry home, and if I reach there before Æneas, which I shall do, I'll sit up for him.

_LUKYN returns._

AGATHA POSKET.

Is the cab at the door?

LUKYN.

It is.

AGATHA POSKET.

Charlotte! Charlotte!

[_Drawing her veil down._

CHARLOTTE.

I'm ready, dear. [_To VALE._] Married sisters are always a little thoughtless.

VALE.

[_Offering his arm._] Permit me.

LUKYN.

[_Offering his arm to AGATHA POSKET._] My dear madam.

_They are all four about to leave when BLOND enters hurriedly._

BLOND.

[_Holding up his hand for silence._] Hush! Hush!

LUKYN.

What's the matter?

BLOND.

The police!

ALL.

[_In a whisper._] The police!

BLOND.

[_Quietly._] The police are downstairs at the door. I told you so.

CHARLOTTE.

[_Clinging to VALE._] Oh, dear! Oh, dear!

AGATHA POSKET.

Gracious powers!

BLOND.

Keep quiet, please. They may be satisfied with Madame Blond's assurances. I must put you in darkness; they can see the light here if they go round to the back.

[_Blows out candles, and turns down the other lights._

AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.

Oh!

BLOND.

Keep quiet, please! My licence is once marked already. Colonel Lukyn, thank you for this.

[_He goes out._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Whimpering._] Miserable men! What have you done? Are you criminals?

CHARLOTTE.

You haven't deserted or anything on my account, have you, Horace?

LUKYN.

Hush! Don't be alarmed. Our time has passed so agreeably that we have overstepped the prescribed hour for closing the hotel. That's all.

AGATHA POSKET.

What can they do to us?

LUKYN.

At the worst, take our names and addresses, and summon us for being here during prohibited hours.

AGATHA POSKET.

Oh!

CHARLOTTE.

[_To VALE._] Horace, can't you speak?

VALE.

By Jove, I very much regret this.

_ISIDORE enters._

LUKYN.

Well, well?

ISIDORE.

I beg your pardon, the police have come in.

LUKYN.

The devil! [_To AGATHA POSKET._] My dear lady, don't faint at such a moment.

_BLOND enters quickly, carrying a rug._

BLOND.

They are going over the house! Hide!

AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.

Oh!

[_There is a general commotion._

BLOND.

They have put a man at the back. Keep away from the window. [_They are all bustling, and everybody is talking in whispers; LUKYN places AGATHA POSKET under the table, where she is concealed by the cover; he gets behind the overcoats hanging from the pegs; VALE and CHARLOTTE crouch down behind sofa._] Thank you very much. I am going to put Isidore to bed on the sofa. That will explain the light which has just gone out. [_ISIDORE quietly places himself upon the sofa; BLOND covering him with the rug._] Thank you very much.

[_He goes out._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_In a stifled voice._] Charley! Charley!

CHARLOTTE.

Yes.

AGATHA POSKET.

Where are you?

CHARLOTTE.

Here.

AGATHA POSKET.

Oh, where is Captain Vale?

CHARLOTTE.

I think he's near me.

VALE.

By Jove, Charlotte, I am!

AGATHA POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

[_From behind the coats._] Here, madam!

AGATHA POSKET.

Don't leave us.

LUKYN.

Madam, I am a soldier.

CHARLOTTE.

[_To VALE._] Oh, Horace, at such a moment what a comfort we must be to each other.

VALE.

My dear Charlotte, it's incalculable.

[_ISIDORE gently raises himself and looks over the back of sofa._

CHARLOTTE.

[_In terror._] What's that?

ISIDORE.

[_Softly._] I beg your pardon.

_BLOND enters quietly, followed by CIS and MR. POSKET on tip-toe, MR. POSKET holding on to CIS._

BLOND.

This way; be quick. Excuse me, the police are just entering the room in which these gentlemen were having supper. One of them is anxious not to be asked any questions. Please to hide him and his friend somewhere. They are both very nice gentlemen.

[_He goes out, leaving CIS and MR. POSKET._

MR. POSKET.

Cis, Cis. Advise me, my boy, advise me.

CIS.

It's all right, Guv, it's all right. Get behind something.

[_AGATHA POSKET peeps from under the table-cloth._

AGATHA POSKET.

Æneas, and my child!

[_MR. POSKET and CIS wander about, looking for hiding-places._

VALE.

[_To CIS._] Go away.

CIS.

Oh!

LUKYN.

[_To MR. POSKET, who is fumbling at the coats._] No, no.

BLOND.

[_Popping his head in._] The police--coming.

[_CIS disappears behind the window-curtain. MR. POSKET dives under the table._

AGATHA POSKET.

Oh!

MR. POSKET.

[_To AGATHA POSKET in a whisper._] I beg your pardon. I think I am addressing a lady. I am entirely the victim of circumstances. Accept my apologies for this apparent intrusion. [_No answer._] Madam, I applaud your reticence, though any statement made under the present circumstances would not be used against you. Where is that boy? Oh! Madam, it may be acute nervousness on your part, but you are certainly pinching my arm.

[_There is the sound of heavy feet outside, then MESSITER, a gruff matter-of-fact Inspector of Police, enters, followed by HARRIS, a constable, and ACHILLE BLOND._

BLOND.

You need not trouble yourself--take my word for it.

MESSITER.

No trouble, Mr. Blond, thank you. [_Sniffing._] Candles--blown out--lately. This is where the light was.

BLOND.

Perhaps. My servant, Isidore, sleeps here; he has only just gone to bed.

MESSITER.

Oh! [_Taking a bull's-eye lantern from HARRIS and throwing the light on ISIDORE, who is apparently sleeping soundly._] Dead tired, I suppose?

BLOND.

I suppose so.

MESSITER.

[_Slightly turning down the covering._] He sleeps in his clothes?

BLOND.

Oh yes.

MESSITER.

Always?

BLOND.

Always--it is a rule of the hotel.

MESSITER.

Oh!--why's that?

BLOND.

To be ready for the morning.

MESSITER.

All right--all right. [_Throwing the rug and blanket aside._] Isidore, go downstairs and give your full name and particulars to Sergeant Jarvis.

ISIDORE.

[_Rising instantly._] Yes, sir--very good.

BLOND.

[_To ISIDORE._] Why do you wake up so soon? Devil take you!

ISIDORE.

I beg your pardon.

[_He goes out._

MESSITER.

What is underneath that window, Mr. Blond?

BLOND.

The skylight over the kitchen--devil take it!

MESSITER.

Thank you--_you_ can go down to the sergeant now, Mr. Blond.

BLOND.

With pleasure--devil take me!

[_He goes out._

MESSITER.

Now then, Harris.

HARRIS.

Yes, sir.

MESSITER.

Keep perfectly still and hold your breath as long as you can.

HARRIS.

Hold my breath, sir?

MESSITER.

Yes--I want to hear how many people are breathing in this room. Are you ready?

HARRIS.

Yes, sir.

MESSITER.

Go! [_HARRIS stands still, tightly compressing his lips; MESSITER quickly examines his face by the light of the lantern, then walks round the room, listening, and nodding his head with satisfaction as he passes the various hiding-places. HARRIS writhes in agony; in the end he gives it up and breathes heavily._] Harris!

HARRIS.

[_Exhausted._] Yes, sir!

MESSITER.

You're breathing.

HARRIS.

Oh lor', yes, sir!

MESSITER.

You'll report yourself to-night!

HARRIS.

I held on till I nearly went off, sir.

MESSITER.

[_Giving him the bull's-eye._] Don't argue, but light up. There are half a dozen people concealed in this room. [_There is a cry from the women. CHARLOTTE and VALE rise; LUKYN steps from behind the coats._] I thought so. [_As MESSITER turns, AGATHA POSKET and MR. POSKET rise, CIS comes quickly, catches hold of MR. POSKET, and drags him across to the window._]

CIS.

[To MR. POSKET.] Come on, Guv. Come on!

[_They disappear through the curtain as HARRIS turns up the lights. Then then is a cry and the sound of a crash._

AGATHA POSKET.

They're killed!

[_MESSITER looks through the window._

MESSITER.

No, they're not; they've gone into the kitchen and the balcony with them. Look sharp, Harris.

[_HARRIS goes out quickly._

LUKYN.

[_To MESSITER._] I shall report you for this, sir.

MESSITER.

[_Taking out his note-book._] Very sorry, sir; it's my duty.

LUKYN.

Duty, sir! Coming your confounded detective tricks on ladies and gentlemen! How dare you make ladies and gentlemen suspend their breathing till they nearly have apoplexy? Do you know I'm a short-necked man, sir?

MESSITER.

I didn't want you to leave off breathing, sir. I wanted you to breathe louder. Your name and address, sir.

LUKYN.

Gur-r-r-h!

MESSITER.

Army gentleman, sir?

LUKYN.

How do you know that?

MESSITER.

Short style of speaking, sir. Army gentlemen run a bit brusquish when on in years.

LUKYN.

Oh! Alexander Lukyn--Colonel--Her Majesty's Cheshire Light Infantry, late 41st Foot, 3rd Battalion--Bengal--Retired.

MESSITER.

[_Writing._] Hotel or club, Colonel?

LUKYN.

Neither. 19A, Cork Street--lodgings.

MESSITER.

[_Writing._] Very nice part, Colonel. Thank you.

LUKYN.

Bah!

MESSITER.

Other gentleman?

VALE.

[_With languid hauteur._] Horace Edmund Cholmeley Clive Napier Vale. Captain--Shropshire Fusiliers--Stark's Hotel, Conduit Street.

MESSITER.

[_Writing._] Retired, sir?

VALE.

No, confound you--active!

MESSITER.

Thank you, Captain. Ahem! Beg pardon. The--the ladies.

[_CHARLOTTE clings to VALE, AGATHA POSKET to LUKYN._

CHARLOTTE AND AGATHA POSKET.

No--no! No--no!

LUKYN.

[_To AGATHA POSKET._] All right--all right--trust to me! [_To MESSITER._] Well, sir?

MESSITER.

Names and addresses, please.

LUKYN.

Officer--my good fellow--tell me now--er--um--at the present moment, what are you most in want of?

MESSITER.

These two ladies' names and addresses, please. Be quick, Colonel. [_Pointing to AGATHA POSKET._] That lady first.

LUKYN.

Christian names--er--ah--er--Alice Emmeline.

MESSITER.

[_Writing._] Alice Emmeline. Surname?

LUKYN.

Er--um--Fitzgerald--101, Wilton Street, Piccadilly.

MESSITER.

Single lady?

LUKYN.

Quite.

MESSITER.

Very good, sir.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To LUKYN, tearfully._] Oh, thank you, such a nice address too.

MESSITER.

[_To VALE._] Now, Captain, please--that lady.

VALE.

[_Who has been re-assuring CHARLOTTE._] Haw! ha! this lady is--ah--um--the other lady's sister.

MESSITER.

Single lady, sir?

VALE.

Certainly.

MESSITER.

[_Writing._] Christian name, Captain?

VALE.

Ah--um--Harriett.

MESSITER.

[_Writing._] Surname.

VALE.

Er--Macnamara.

MESSITER.

[_With a grim smile._] Quite so. Lives with her sister, of course, sir?

VALE.

Of course.

MESSITER.

Where at, sir?

VALE.

Albert Mansions, Victoria Street.

CHARLOTTE.

[_To VALE._] Oh, thank you, I always fancied that spot.

MESSITER.

Very much obliged, gentlemen,

LUKYN.

[_Who has listened to VALE'S answers in helpless horror._] By George, well out of it!

[_CHARLOTTE totters across to AGATHA POSKET, who embraces her._

LUKYN.

[_Taking down the overcoats and throwing one to VALE._] Vale, your coat.

_HARRIS enters._

HARRIS.

[_To MESSITER._] Very sorry, sir; the two other gentlemen got clean off, through the back scullery door--old hands, to all appearance.

[_MESSITER stamps his foot, with an exclamation._

AGATHA POSKET.

[_To herself._] My boy--saved!

LUKYN.

[_To HARRIS, who stands before the door._] Constable, get out of the way.

MESSITER.

[_Sharply._] Harris!

HARRIS.

[_Without moving._] Yes, sir.

MESSITER.

You will leave the hotel with these ladies, and not lose sight of them till you've ascertained what their names _are,_ and where they _do_ live.

LUKYN AND VALE.

What!

AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.

Oh!

MESSITER.

Your own fault, gentlemen; it's my duty.

LUKYN.

And it is _my_ duty to save these helpless women from the protecting laws of my confounded country! Vale!

VALE.

[_Putting his coat on the sofa._] Active!

LUKYN.

[_To HARRIS._] Let these ladies pass! [_He takes HARRIS by the collar and flings him over to VALE, who throws him over towards the ladies, who push him away. MESSITER puts a whistle to his mouth and blows; there is an immediate answer from without._] More of your fellows outside?

MESSITER.

Yes, sir, at your service. Very sorry, gentlemen, but you and your party are in my custody.

LUKYN AND VALE.

What?

AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.

Oh!

MESSITER.

For assaulting this man in the execution of his duty.

LUKYN.

You'll dare to lock us up all night?

MESSITER.

It's one o'clock now, Colonel--you'll come on first thing in the morning.

LUKYN.

Come on? At what Court?

MESSITER.

Mulberry Street.

AGATHA POSKET.

Ah! The magistrate?

MESSITER.

Mr. Posket, mum.

[_AGATHA POSKET sinks into a chair, CHARLOTTE at her feet; LUKYN, overcome, falls on VALE'S shoulders._

END OF THE SECOND ACT.

THE THIRD ACT

_The first scene is the Magistrate's room at Mulberry Street Police Court, with a doorway covered by curtains, leading directly into the Court, and a door opening into a passage. It is the morning after the events of the last Act._

_POLICE SERGEANT LUGG, a middle-aged man with a slight country dialect, enters with "The Times" newspaper, and proceeds to cut it and glance at its contents, while he hums a song._

_MR. WORMINGTON, an elderly, trim and precise man, enters._

MR. WORMINGTON.

Good morning, Lugg.

LUGG.

Morning, Mr. Wormington.

MR. WORMINGTON.

Mr. Posket not arrived yet?

LUGG.

Not yet, sir. Hullo! [_Reading._] "Raid on a West End Hotel.--At an early hour this morning----"

MR. WORMINGTON.

Yes, I've read that--a case of assault upon the police.

LUGG.

Why, these must be the folks who've been so precious rampageous all night.

MR. WORMINGTON.

Very likely.

LUGG.

Yes, sir, protestin' and protestin' till they protested everybody's sleep away. Nice-looking women, too, though, as I tell Mrs. Lugg, now-a-days there's no telling who's the lady and who isn't. Who's got this job, sir?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Inspector Messiter.

LUGG.

Messiter! That's luck! Why he's the worst elocutionist in the force, sir.[*] [_As he arranges the newspaper upon the table, he catches sight of MR. WORMINGTON'S necktie, which is bright red._] Well, I--excuse me, Mr. Wormington, but all the years I've had the honour of knowin' you, sir, I've never seen you wear a necktie with, so to speak, a dash of colour in it.

----------

[*] A City magistrate, censuring a constable for the indistinctness of his utterances in the witness box, suggested that the police should be instructed in a method of delivering evidence articulately.

----------

MR. WORMINGTON.

Well, Lugg, no, that's true, but to-day is an exceptional occasion with me. It is, in fact, the twenty-fifth anniversary of my marriage, and I thought it due to Mrs. Wormington to vary, in some slight degree, the sombreness of my attire. I confess I am a little uneasy in case Mr. Posket should consider it at all disrespectful to the Court.

LUGG.

Not he, sir.

MR. WORMINGTON.

I don't know. Mr. Posket is punctiliousness itself in dress, and his cravat's invariably black. However, it is not every man who has a silver wedding-day.

LUGG.

It's not every one as wants one, sir.

[_MR. WORMINGTON goes out; at the same moment MR. POSKET enters quickly, and leans on his chair as if exhausted. His appearance is extremely wretched; he is still in evening dress, but his clothes are muddy, and his linen soiled and crumpled, while across the bridge of his nose he has a small strip of black plaster._

MR. POSKET.

[_Faintly._] Good morning, Lugg.

LUGG.

Good morning to you, sir. Regretting the liberty I'm taking, sir--I've seen you look more strong and hearty.

MR. POSKET.

I am fairly well, thank you, Lugg. My night was rather--rather disturbed. Lugg!

LUGG.

Sir?

MR. POSKET.

Have any inquiries been made about me, this morning--any messenger from Mrs. Posket, for instance, to ask how I am?

LUGG.

No, sir.

MR. POSKET.

Oh! my child, my stepson, young Mr. Farringdon, has not called, has he?

LUGG.

No, sir.

MR. POSKET.

[_To himself._] Where can that boy be? [_To LUGG._] Thank you, that's all.

LUGG.

[_Who has been eyeing MR. POSKET with astonishment, goes to the door, and then touches the bridge of his nose._] Nasty cut while shavin', sir?

[_LUGG goes out._

MR. POSKET.

Where can that boy have got to? If I could only remember how, when, and where we parted! I think it was at Kilburn. Let me think--first, the kitchen. [_Putting his hand to his side as if severely bruised._] Oh! Cis was all right, because I fell underneath; I felt it was my duty to do so. Then what occurred? A dark room, redolent of onions and cabbages and paraffine oil, and Cis dragging me over the stone floor, saying, "We're in the scullery, Guv; let's try and find the tradesmen's door." Next, the night air--oh, how refreshing! "Cis, my boy, we will both learn a lesson from to-night--never deceive." Where are we? In Argyll Street. "Look out, Guv, they're after us." Then--then, as Cis remarked when we were getting over the railings of Portman Square--then the fun began. We over into the square--they after us. Over again, into Baker Street. Down Baker Street. Curious recollections, whilst running, of my first visit, as a happy child, to Madame Tussaud's, and wondering whether her removal had affected my fortunes. "Come on, Guv--you're getting blown." Where are we? Park Road. What am I doing? Getting up out of puddle. St. John's Wood. The cricket-ground. "I say, Guv, what a run this would be at Lord's, wouldn't it? and no fear of being run out either, more fear of being run in." "What road is this, Cis?" Maida Vale. Good gracious! A pious aunt of mine once lived in Hamilton Terrace; she never thought I should come to this. "Guv?" "Yes, my boy." "Let's get this kind-hearted coffee-stall keeper to hide us." We apply. "Will you assist two unfortunate gentlemen?" "No, blowed if I will." "Why not?" " 'Cos I'm agoin' to join in the chase after you." Ah! Off again, along Maida Vale! On, on, heaven knows how or where, 'till at last, no sound of pursuit, no Cis, no breath, and the early Kilburn buses starting to town. Then I came back again, and not much too soon for the Court. [_Going up to the washstand and looking into the little mirror, with a low groan._] Oh, how shockingly awful I look, and how stiff and sore I feel! [_Taking off his coat and hanging it on a peg, then washing his hands._] What a weak and double-faced creature to be a magistrate! I really ought to get some member of Parliament to ask a question about me in the House. Where's the soap? I shall put five pounds and costs into the poor's box to-morrow. But I deserve a most severe caution. Ah, perhaps I shall get that from Agatha. [_He takes off his white tie, rolls it up and crams it into his pocket._] When Wormington arrives I will borrow some money and send out for a black cravat! All my pocket money is in my overcoat at the Hotel des Princes. If the police seize it there is some consolation in knowing that that money will never be returned to me. [_There is a knock at the door._] Come in!

_LUGG enters._

LUGG.

Your servant, Mr. Wyke, wants to see you, sir

MR. POSKET.

Bring him in. [_LUGG goes out._] Wyke! From Agatha! From Agatha!

_LUGG re-enters with WYKE._

WYKE.

Ahem! Good morning, sir.

MR. POSKET.

Good morning, Wyke. Ahem! Is Master Farringdon quite well?

WYKE.

He hadn't arrived home, when I left, sir.

MR. POSKET.

Oh! Where is that boy? [_To WYKE._] How's your mistress this morning, Wyke?

WYKE.

Very well, I hope, sir; _she_ ain't come home yet, either.

MR. POSKET.

Not returned--nor Miss Verrinder?

WYKE.

No, sir--neither of them.

MR. POSKET.

[_To himself._] Lady Jenkins is worse, they are still nursing her! Good women, true women!

WYKE.

[_To himself._] That's eased his deceivin' old mind.

MR. POSKET.

[_To himself._] Now, if the servants don't betray me and Cis returns safely, the worst is over. To what a depth I have fallen when I rejoice at Lady Jenkins' indisposition!

WYKE.

Cook thought you ought to know that the mistress hadn't come home, sir.

MR. POSKET.

Certainly. Take a cab at once to Campden Hill and bring me back word how poor Lady Jenkins is. Tell Mrs. Posket I will come on the moment the Court rises.

WYKE.

Yes, sir.

MR. POSKET.

And, Wyke. It is not at all necessary that Mrs. Posket should know of my absence with Master Farringdon from home last night. Mrs. Posket's present anxieties are more than sufficient. Inform Cook, and Popham, and the other servants that I shall recognise their discretion in the same spirit I have already displayed towards you.

WYKE.

[_With sarcasm._] Thank you, sir. I will. [_He produces from his waistcoat-pocket a small packet of money done up in newspaper, which he throws down upon the table._] Meanwhile, sir, I thought you would like to count up the little present of money you gave me last night, and in case you thought you'd been over-liberal, sir, you might halve the amount. It isn't no good spoiling of us all, sir.

_LUGG enters._

MR. POSKET.

You are an excellent servant, Wyke; I am very pleased. I will see you when you return from Lady Jenkins's. Be quick.

WYKE.

Yes, sir. [_To himself._] He won't give me twopence again in a hurry.

[_He goes out; LUGG is about to follow._

MR. POSKET.

Oh, Lugg, I want you to go to the nearest hosier's and purchase me a neat cravat.

LUGG.

[_Looking inquisitively at MR. POSKET._] A necktie, sir?

MR. POSKET.

Yes. [_Turning up his coat collar to shield himself from LUGG'S gaze._] A necktie--a necktie.

LUGG.

What sort of a kind of one, sir?

MR. POSKET.

Oh, one like Mr. Wormington's.

LUGG.

One like he's wearing this morning, sir?

MR. POSKET.

Of course, of course, of course.

LUGG.

[_To himself._] Fancy him being jealous of Mr. Wormington, now. Very good, sir--what price, sir?

MR. POSKET.

The best. [_To himself._] There now, I've no money. [_Seeing the packet on table._] Oh, pay for it with this, Lugg.

LUGG.

Yes, sir.

MR. POSKET.

And keep the change for your trouble.

LUGG.

Thank you, sir; thank you, sir--very much obliged to you, sir. [_To himself._] That's like a liberal gentleman.

[_LUGG goes out as MR. WORMINGTON enters through the curtains with the charge sheet in his hand. MR. WORMINGTON, on seeing MR. POSKET, uneasily tucks his pocket-handkerchief in his collar so as to hide his necktie._

MR. WORMINGTON.

H'm! Good morning.

MR. POSKET.

Good morning, Wormington.

MR. WORMINGTON.

The charge sheet.

MR. POSKET.

Sit down.

[_MR. WORMINGTON puts on his spectacles; MR. POSKET also attempts to put on his spectacles, but hurts the bridge of his nose, winces, and desists._

MR. POSKET.

[_To himself._] My nose is extremely painful. [_To MR. WORMINGTON._] You have a bad cold I am afraid, Wormington--bronchial?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Ahem! Well--ah--the fact is--you may have noticed how very chilly the nights are.

MR. POSKET.

Very, very.

MR. WORMINGTON.

The only way to maintain the circulation is to run as fast as one can.

MR. POSKET.

To run--as fast as one can--yes--quite so.

MR. WORMINGTON.

[_To himself, looking at MR. POSKET'S shirt front._] How very extraordinary--he is wearing no cravat whatever!

MR. POSKET.

[_Buttoning up his coat to avoid MR. WORMINGTON'S gaze._] Anything important this morning?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Nothing particular after the first charge, a serious business arising out of the raid on the "Hotel des Princes."

MR. POSKET.

[_Starting._] "Hotel des Princes?"

MR. WORMINGTON.

Inspector Messiter found six persons supping there at one o'clock this morning. Two contrived to escape.

MR. POSKET.

Dear me--I am surprised--I mean, did they?

MR. WORMINGTON.

But they left their overcoats behind them, and it is believed they will be traced.

MR. POSKET.

Oh, do you--do you think it is worth while? The police have a great deal to occupy them just now.

MR. WORMINGTON.

But surely if the police see their way to capture anybody we had better raise no obstacle.

MR. POSKET.

No--no--quite so--never struck me.

MR. WORMINGTON.

[_Referring to charge sheet._] The remaining four it was found necessary to take into custody.

MR. POSKET.

Good gracious! What a good job the other two didn't wait. I beg your pardon--I mean--you say we have four?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Yes, on the charge of obstructing the police. The first assault occurred in the supper-room--the second in the four-wheeled cab on the way to the station. There were five persons in the cab at the time--the two women, the two men, and the Inspector.

MR. POSKET.

Dear me, it must have been a very complicated assault. Who are the unfortunate people?

MR. WORMINGTON.

The men are of some position. [_Reading._] "Alexander Lukyn, Colonel"----

MR. POSKET.

Lukyn! I--I--know Colonel Lukyn; we are old schoolfellows.

MR. WORMINGTON.

Very sad! [_Reading._] The other is "Horace, &c. &c. Vale--Captain--Shropshire Fusiliers."

MR. POSKET.

And the ladies?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Call themselves, "Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara."

MR. POSKET.

[_To himself._] Which is the lady who was under the table with me?

MR. WORMINGTON.

They are not recognised by the police at present, but they furnish incorrect addresses, and their demeanour is generally violent and unsatisfactory.

MR. POSKET.

[_To himself._] Who pinched me--Alice or Harriet?

MR. WORMINGTON.

I mention this case because it seems to be one calling for most stringent measures.

MR. POSKET.

Wouldn't a fine, and a severe warning from the Bench, to the two persons who have got away----

MR. WORMINGTON.

I think not. Consider, Mr. Posket, not only defying the licensing laws, but obstructing the police!

MR. POSKET.

That's true--it is hard, when the police are doing anything, that they should be obstructed.

_LUGG enters._

LUGG.

[_Attempting to conceal some annoyance._] Your necktie, sir.

MR. POSKET.

S-ssh!

MR. WORMINGTON.

[_To himself._] Then he _came_ without one--dear me!

LUGG.

[_Clapping down a paper parcel on the table._] As near like Mr. Wormington's as possible--brighter if anything.

MR. POSKET.

[_Opening the parcel, and finding a very common, gaudy neckkerchief._] Good gracious! What a horrible affair!

LUGG.

According to my information, sir--like Mr. Wormington's.

MR. POSKET.

Mr. Wormington would never be seen in such an abominable colour.

MR. WORMINGTON.

Well--really--I--[_Removing the handkerchief from his throat._] I am extremely sorry.

MR. POSKET.

My dear Wormington!

MR. WORMINGTON.

I happen to be wearing something similar--the first time for five-and-twenty years.

MR. POSKET.

Oh, I beg your pardon. [_To himself._] Everything seems against me.

LUGG.

One-and-nine it come to, sir. [_Producing the paper packet of money and laying it upon the table._] And I brought back all the money you gave me, thinking you'd like to look over it quietly. Really, sir, I never showed up smaller in any shop in all my life!

MR. POSKET.

Upon my word. First one and then another! What _is_ wrong with the money. [_Opens the packet._] Twopence! [_To himself._] That man Wyke will tell all to Agatha! Oh, everything is against me.

[_LUGG has opened the door, taken a card from some one outside, and handed it to MR. WORMINGTON._

MR. WORMINGTON.

From cell No. 3.

[_Handing the card to MR. POSKET._

MR. POSKET.

[_Reading._] "Dear Posket, for the love of goodness see me before the sitting of the Court. Alexander Lukyn." Poor dear Lukyn! What on earth shall I do?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Such a course would be most unusual.

MR. POSKET.

Everything is unusual. Your cravat is unusual. This prisoner is invited to dine at my house to-day--that's peculiar. He is my wife's first husband's only child's god-father--that's a little out of the ordinary.

MR. WORMINGTON.

The charge is so serious!

MR. POSKET.

But I am a man as well as a magistrate, advise me, Wormington, advise me!

MR. WORMINGTON.

Well--you can apply to yourself for permission to grant Colonel Lukyn's request.

MR. POSKET.

[_Hastily scribbling on LUKYN'S card._] I do--I do--and after much conflicting argument I consent to see Colonel Lukyn here, immediately. [_Handing the card to MR. WORMINGTON who passes it to LUGG, who then goes out._] Don't leave me, Wormington--you must stand by me to see that I remain calm, firm, and judicial. [_He hastily puts on the red necktie in an untidy manner._] Poor Lukyn, I must sink the friend in the magistrate, and in dealing with his errors apply the scourge to myself. [_To MR. WORMINGTON._] Wormington, tap me on the shoulder when I am inclined to be more than usually unusual.

[_MR. WORMINGTON stands behind him, and LUGG enters with LUKYN. LUKYN'S dress-clothes are much soiled and disordered, and he, too, has a small strip of plaster upon the bridge of his nose. There is a constrained pause, LUKYN and MR. POSKET both cough._

LUKYN.

[_To himself._] Poor Posket!

MR. POSKET.

[_To himself._] Poor Lukyn!

LUKYN.

[_To himself._] I suppose he has been sitting up for his wife all night, poor devil! [_To MR. POSKET._] Ahem! How are you, Posket?

[_MR. WORMINGTON touches MR. POSKET'S shoulder._

MR. POSKET.

I regret to see you in this terrible position, Colonel Lukyn.

LUKYN.

By George, old fellow, I regret to find myself in it. [_Sitting, and taking up newspaper._] I suppose they've got us in the "Times," confound 'em!

[_While LUKYN is reading the paper, MR. POSKET and MR. WORMINGTON hold a hurried consultation respecting LUKYN'S behaviour._

MR. POSKET.

H'm! [_To LUGG._] Sergeant, I think Colonel Lukyn may be accommodated with a chair.

LUGG.

He's in it, sir.

LUKYN.

[_Rising and putting down paper._] Beg your pardon, forgot where I was. I suppose everything must be formal in this confounded place?

MR. POSKET.

I am afraid, Colonel Lukyn, it will be necessary even here to preserve strictly our unfortunate relative positions. [_LUKYN bows._] Sit down. [_LUKYN sits again. POSKET takes up the charge sheet._] Colonel Lukyn! In addressing you now, I am speaking, not as a man, but, as an instrument of the law. As a man I may, or may not, be a weak, vicious, despicable creature.

LUKYN.

Certainly--of course.

MR. POSKET.

But, as a magistrate I am bound to say you fill me with pain and astonishment.

LUKYN.

Quite right--every man to his trade, go on, Posket.

MR. POSKET.

[_Turning his chair to face LUKYN._] Alexander Lukyn--when I look at you--when I look at you---- [_He attempts to put on his spectacles._] Ah--my nose. [_To LUKYN._] I say, when I look at you, Alexander Lukyn, I confront a most mournful spectacle. A military officer, trained in the ways of discipline and smartness, now, in consequence of his own misdoings, lamentably bruised and battered, shamefully disfigured by plaster, with his apparel soiled and damaged--all terrible evidence of a conflict with that power of which I am the representative.

LUKYN.

[_Turning his chair to face MR. POSKET._] Well, Posket, if it comes to that, when I look at you, when I look at you--[_He attempts to fix his glass in his eye._] Confound my nose! [_To MR. POSKET._] When I look at you, _you_ are not a very imposing object, this morning.

MR. POSKET.

Lukyn!

LUKYN.

You look quite as shaky as I do--and you're not quite innocent of court plaster.

MR. POSKET.

Lukyn! Really!

LUKYN.

And as for our attire, we neither of us look as if we had slipped out of a bandbox.

MR. POSKET.

Don't, Lukyn, don't! Pray respect my legal status! [_MR. WORMINGTON leads MR. POSKET, who has risen, back to his seat._] Thank you, Wormington. Alexander Lukyn, I have spoken. It remains for you to state your motive in seeking this painful interview.

LUKYN.

Certainly! H'm! You know, of course, that I am not alone in this affair?

MR. POSKET.

[_Referring to charge sheet._] Three persons appear to be charged with you.

LUKYN.

Yes. Two others got away. Cowards! If ever I find them, I'll destroy them!

MR. POSKET.

Lukyn!

LUKYN.

I will! Another job for you, Posket.

MR. POSKET.

[_With dignity._] I beg your pardon, in the event of such a deplorable occurrence, I should not occupy my present position. Go on, sir.

LUKYN.

Horace Vale and I are prepared to stand the brunt of our misdeeds. But, Posket, there are ladies in the case.

MR. POSKET.

In the annals of the Mulberry Street Police Court such a circumstance is not unprecedented.

LUKYN.

Two helpless, forlorn ladies.

MR. POSKET.

[_Referring to charge sheet._] Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara. Oh, Lukyn, Lukyn!

LUKYN.

Pooh! I ask no favour for myself or Vale, but I come to you, Posket, to beg you to use your power to release these two ladies without a moment's delay.

[_MR. WORMINGTON touches MR. POSKET'S shoulder._

MR. POSKET.

Upon my word, Lukyn! Do you think I am to be undermined?

LUKYN.

Undermine the devil, sir! Don't talk to me! Let these ladies go, I say! Don't bring them into Court, don't see their faces--don't hear their voices--if you do, you'll regret it!

MR. POSKET.

Colonel Lukyn!

LUKYN.

[_Leaning across the table and gripping MR. POSKET by the shoulder._] Posket, do you know that one of these ladies is a married lady?

MR. POSKET.

Of course I don't, sir. I blush to hear it.

LUKYN.

And do you know that from the moment this married lady steps into your confounded Court, the happiness, the contentment of a doting husband, become a confounded wreck and ruin?