Chapter IV: Act III (3)

MR. POSKET.

Then, sir, let it be my harrowing task to open the eyes of this foolish doting man to the treachery, the perfidy, which nestles upon his very hearthrug!

LUKYN.

Oh, lor'! Be careful, Posket! By George, be careful!

MR. POSKET.

Alexander Lukyn, you are my friend. Amongst the personal property taken from you when you entered these precincts may have been found a memorandum of an engagement to dine at my house to-night at a quarter to eight o'clock. But, Lukyn, I solemnly prepare you, you stand in danger of being late for dinner! I go further--I am not sure, after this morning's proceedings, that Mrs. Posket will be ready to receive you.

LUKYN.

I'm confoundedly certain she _won't!_

MR. POSKET.

Therefore, Lukyn, as an English husband and father it will be my duty to teach you and your disreputable companions [_referring to charge-sheet_], Alice Emmeline Fitzgerald and Harriet Macnamara, some rudimentary notions of propriety and decorum.

LUKYN.

Confound you, Posket--listen!

MR. POSKET.

I am listening, sir, to the guiding voice of Mrs. Posket--that newly-made wife still blushing from the embarrassment of her second marriage, and that voice says, "Strike for the sanctity of hearth and home, for the credit of the wives of England--no mercy!"

MR. WORMINGTON.

It is time to go into Court, sir. The charge against Colonel Lukyn is first on the list.

LUKYN.

Posket, I'll give you one last chance! If I write upon a scrap of paper the real names of these two unfortunate ladies, will you shut yourself up for a moment, away from observation, and read these names before you go into Court?

MR. POSKET.

Certainly not, Colonel Lukyn! I cannot be influenced by private information in dealing with an offence which is, in my opinion, as black as--as my cravat! Ahem!

[_MR. WORMINGTON and MR. POSKET look at each other's necktie and turn up their collars hastily._

LUKYN.

[_To himself._] There's no help for it. [_To MR. POSKET._] Then Posket, you must have the plain truth where you stand, by George! The two ladies who are my companions in this affair are----

MR. POSKET.

Sergeant! Colonel Lukyn will now join his party.

[_LUGG steps up to LUKYN sharply._

LUKYN.

[_Boiling with indignation._] What, sir? What?

MR. POSKET.

Lukyn, I think we both have engagements--will you excuse me?

LUKYN.

Posket! You've gone too far! If you went down on your knees, which you appear to have been recently doing, and begged the names of these two ladies, you shouldn't have 'em! No sir, by George, you shouldn't.

MR. POSKET.

Good morning, Colonel Lukyn.

LUKYN.

You've lectured me, pooh-poohed me, snubbed me--a soldier, sir--a soldier! But when I think of your dinner-party to-night, with my empty chair, like Banquo, by George, sir--and the chief dish composed of a well-browned, well-basted, family skeleton, served up under the best silver cover, I pity you, Posket! Good morning!

[_He marches out with LUGG._

MR. POSKET.

Ah! Thank goodness that ordeal is passed. Now, Wormington, I think I am ready to face the duties of the day! Shall we go into Court?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Certainly, sir.

[_MR. WORMINGTON gathers up papers from the table. MR. POSKET with a shaking hand pours out water from carafe and drinks._

MR. POSKET.

My breakfast. [_To MR. WORMINGTON._] I hope I defended the sanctity of the Englishman's hearth, Wormington?

MR. WORMINGTON.

You did, indeed. As a married man, I thank you.

MR. POSKET.

Give me your arm, Wormington! I am not very well this morning, and this interview with Colonel Lukyn has shaken me. I think your coat-collar is turned up, Wormington.

MR. WORMINGTON.

So is yours, I fancy, sir.

MR. POSKET.

Ahem!

[_They turn their collars down; MR. POSKET takes MR. WORMINGTON'S arm. They are going towards the curtains when WYKE enters hurriedly at the door._

WYKE.

Excuse me, sir.

MR. WORMINGTON.

Hush! hush! Mr. Posket is just going into Court.

WYKE.

Lady Jenkins has sent me back to tell you that she hasn't seen the missis for the last week or more.

MR. POSKET.

Mrs. Posket went to Campden Hill with Miss Verrinder last night!

WYKE.

They haven't arrived there, sir.

MR. POSKET.

Haven't arrived!

WYKE.

No sir--and even a slow four-wheeler won't account for that.

MR. POSKET.

Wormington! there's something wrong! Mrs. Posket quitted a fairly happy home last night and has not been seen or heard of since!

MR. WORMINGTON.

Pray don't be anxious, sir, the Court is waiting.

MR. POSKET.

But I am anxious! Tell Sergeant Lugg to look over the Accident-Book, this morning's Hospital Returns, List of Missing Children, Suspicious Pledges People left Chargeable to the Parish, Attend to your Window Fastenings----! I--I--Wormington, Mrs. Posket and I disagreed last night.

MR. WORMINGTON.

Don't think of it, sir! you should hear me and Mrs. Wormington! Pray do come into Court.

MR. POSKET.

Court! I'm totally unfit for business! totally unfit for business!

[_MR. WORMINGTON hurries him off through the curtains. LUGG enters, almost breathless._

LUGG.

We've got charge one in the Dock--all four of 'em. [_Seeing WYKE._] Hallo! you back again!

WYKE.

Yes--seems so. [_They stand facing each other, dabbing their foreheads with their handkerchiefs._] Phew! you seem warm.

LUGG.

Phew! you don't seem so cool.

WYKE.

I've been lookin' after two ladies.

LUGG.

So have I.

WYKE.

I haven't found 'em.

LUGG.

If I'd known, I'd a been pleased to lend you our two.

[_From the other side of the curtains there is the sound of a shriek from AGATHA POSKET and CHARLOTTE._

WYKE.

Lor'! what's that!

LUGG.

That _is_ our two. Don't notice them--they're hystericals. They're mild now to what they have been. I say, old fellow--is your guv'nor all right in his head?

WYKE.

I suppose so--why?

LUGG.

I've a partickler reason for asking. Does he ever tell you to buy him anything and keep the change?

WYKE.

What d'yer mean?

LUGG.

Well, does he ever come down handsome for your extry exertion--do you ever get any tips?

WYKE.

Rather. What do you think he made me a present of last night?

LUGG.

Don't know.

WYKE.

Twopence--to buy a new umbrella.

LUGG.

Well, I'm blessed! And he gave me the same sum to get him a silk necktie. It's my opinion he's got a softening of the brain. [_Another shriek from the two women, a cry from MR. POSKET, and then a hubbub are heard. Running up to the curtains and looking through._] Hallo! what's wrong? Here! I told you so--he's broken out, he's broken out.

WYKE.

Who's broken out?

LUGG.

The lunatic. Keep back, I'm wanted.

[_He goes through the curtains._

WYKE.

[_Looking after him._] Look at the guv'nor waving his arms and going on anyhow at the prisoners! Prisoners! Gracious goodness--it's the missis!

[_Amid a confused sound of voices MR. POSKET is brought in, through the curtains, by MR. WORMINGTON. LUGG follows._

MR. POSKET.

Wormington! Wormington! the two ladies! the two ladies! I know them!

MR. WORMINGTON.

It's all right, sir, it's all right--don't be upset, sir!

MR. POSKET.

I'm not well; what shall I do?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Nothing further, sir. What you have done is quite in form.

MR. POSKET.

What I _have_ done?

MR. WORMINGTON.

Yes, sir--you did precisely what I suggested--took the words from me. They pleaded guilty.

MR. POSKET.

Guilty!

MR. WORMINGTON.

Yes, sir--and you sentenced them.

MR. POSKET.

Sentenced them! The ladies!

MR. WORMINGTON.

Yes, sir. You've given them seven days, without the option of a fine.

[_MR. POSKET collapses into MR. WORMINGTON'S arms._

THE SECOND SCENE.

_The scene changes to MR. POSKET'S drawing-room, as in the first act._

_BEATIE enters timidly, dressed in simple walking-costume._

BEATIE.

How dreadfully early. Eleven o'clock, and I'm not supposed to come till four. I wonder why I want to instruct Cis all day. I'm not nearly so enthusiastic about the two little girls I teach in Russell Square.

_POPHAM enters. Her eyes are red as if from crying._

POPHAM.

[_Drawing back on seeing BEATIE._] That music person again. I beg your pardon--I ain't got no instructions to prepare no drawing-room for no lessons till four o'clock.

BEATIE.

I wish to see Mrs. Posket.

POPHAM.

She hasn't come home.

BEATIE.

Oh then--er--um--Master Farringdon will do.

POPHAM.

[_In tears._] He haven't come home either!

BEATIE.

Oh, where is he?

POPHAM.

No one knows! His wicked old stepfather took him out late last night and hasn't returned him. Such a night as it was, too, and him still wearing his summer under-vests.

BEATIE.

Mr. Posket?

POPHAM.

Mr. Posket--no, my Cis!

BEATIE.

How dare you speak of Master Farringdon in that familiar way?

POPHAM.

How dare I? Because me and him formed an attachment before ever you darkened our doors. [_Taking a folded printed paper from her pocket._] You may put down the iron 'eel too heavy, Miss Tomlinson. I refer you to _Bow Bells_--"First Love is Best Love; or, The Earl's Choice."

[_As POPHAM offers the paper, CIS enters, looking very pale, worn-out, and dishevelled._

POPHAM AND BEATIE.

Oh!

CIS.

[_Staggering to a chair._] Where's the mater?

POPHAM.

Not home yet.

CIS.

Thank giminy!

BEATIE.

He's ill!

POPHAM.

Oh!

[_BEATIE, assisted by POPHAM, quickly wheels the large armchair forward, they catch hold of CIS and place him in it, he submits limply._

BEATIE.

[_Taking CIS'S hand._] What is the matter, Cis dear? Tell Beatie.

POPHAM.

[_Taking his other hand._] Well, I'm sure! Who's given you raisins and ketchup from the store cupboard? Come back to Emma!

[_CIS, with his eyes closed, gives a murmur._

BEATIE.

He's whispering!

[_They both bob their heads down to listen._

POPHAM.

He says his head's a-whirling.

BEATIE.

Put him on the sofa.

[_They take off his boots, loosen his necktie, and dab his forehead with water out of a flower-vase._

CIS.

I--I--I wish you two girls would leave off.

BEATIE.

He's speaking again. He hasn't had any breakfast! He's hungry!

POPHAM.

Hungry! I thought he looked thin! Wait a minute, dear! Emma Popham knows what her boy fancies!

[_She runs out of the room._

CIS.

Oh, Beatie, hold my head while I ask you something.

BEATIE.

Yes, darling!

CIS.

No lady would marry a gentleman who had been a convict, would she?

BEATIE.

No; certainly not!

CIS.

I thought not! Well, Beatie, I've been run after by a policeman.

BEATIE.

[_Leaving him._] Oh!

CIS.

Not caught, you know, only run after; and, walking home from Hendon this morning, I came to the conclusion that I ought to settle down in life. Beatie--could I write out a paper promising to marry you when I'm one-and-twenty?

BEATIE.

Don't be a silly boy--of course you could.

CIS.

Then I shall; and when I feel inclined to have a spree, I shall think of that paper and say, "Cis Farringdon, if you ever get locked up, you'll lose the most beautiful girl in the world."

BEATIE.

And so you will.

[_He goes to the writing-table._

CIS.

I'd better write it now, before my head gets well again.

[_He writes; she bends over him._

BEATIE.

You simple, foolish, Cis! If your head is so queer, shall I tell you what to say?

_POPHAM enters, carrying a tray with breakfast dishes._

POPHAM.

[_To herself._] He won't think so much of _her_ now. His breakfast is my triumph. [_To CIS._] Coffee, bacon, and a teacake.

BEATIE.

Hush! Master Farringdon is writing something very important.

POPHAM.

[_Going to the window._] That's a cab at our door.

CIS.

It must be the mater--I'm off!

[_He picks up his boots and goes out quickly._

BEATIE.

[_Following him with the paper and inkstand._] Cis! Cis! You haven't finished the promise! You haven't finished the promise!

LUGG.

[_Heard outside._] All right, sir--I've got you--I've got you.

[_POPHAM opens the door._

POPHAM.

The master and a policeman! [_LUGG enters supporting MR. POSKET who sinks into an armchair with a groan._] Oh, what's the matter?

LUGG.

All right, my good girl, you run downstairs and fetch a drop of brandy and water.

MR. POSKET.

[_Hurrying out._] Oh!

LUGG.

Now don't take on so, sir. It's what might happen to any married gentleman. Now, you're all right now, sir. And I'll hurry back to the Court to see whether they've sent for Mr. Bullamy.

MR. POSKET.

My wife! My wife!

LUGG.

Oh, come now, sir, what _is_ seven days! Why many a married gentleman in your position, sir, would have been glad to have made it fourteen.

MR. POSKET.

Go away--leave me.

LUGG.

Certainly, sir. [_POPHAM re-enters with a small tumbler of brandy and water; he takes it from her and drinks it._] It's not wanted. I'm thankful to say he's better.

POPHAM.

[_To LUGG._] If you please, cook presents her compliments, and she would be glad of the pleasure of your company downstairs, before leavin'.

[_They go out._

MR. POSKET.

Agatha and Lukyn! Agatha and Lukyn supping together at the Hotel des Princes, while I was at home and asleep--while I ought to have been at home and asleep! It's awful!

CIS.

[_Looking in at the door and entering._] Hallo, Guv!

MR. POSKET.

[_Starting up._] Cis!

CIS.

Where did you fetch, Guv?

MR. POSKET.

Where did I fetch! You wretched boy! I fetched Kilburn, and I'll fetch you a sound whipping when I recover my composure.

CIS.

What for?

MR. POSKET.

For leading me astray, sir. Yours is the first bad companionship I have ever formed! Evil communication with you, sir, has corrupted me! [_Taking CIS by the collar and shaking him._] Why did you abandon me at Kilburn?

CIS.

Because you were quite done, and I branched off to draw the crowd away from you after me.

MR. POSKET.

Did you, Cis, did you? [_Putting his hand on CIS'S shoulder._] My boy--my boy! Oh, Cis, we're in such trouble!

CIS.

You weren't caught, Guv?

MR. POSKET.

No--but do you know who the ladies are who were supping at the Hotel des Princes?

CIS.

No--do you?

MR. POSKET.

Do I? They were your mother and Aunt Charlotte.

CIS.

The mater and Aunt Charlotte! Ha, ha, ha! [_Laughing and dancing with delight._] Ha! ha! Oh, I say, Guv, what a lark!

MR. POSKET.

A lark! They were taken to the police station!

CIS.

[_Changing his tone._] My mother?

MR. POSKET.

They were brought before the magistrate and sentenced.

CIS.

Sentenced?

MR. POSKET.

To seven days' imprisonment.

CIS.

Oh!

[_He puts his hat on fiercely._

MR. POSKET.

What are you going to do?

CIS.

Get my mother out first, and then break every bone in that magistrate's body.

MR. POSKET.

Cis! Cis! he's an unhappy wretch and he did his duty.

CIS.

His duty! To send another magistrate's wife to prison! Guv, I'm only a boy, but I know what professional etiquette is! Come along! Which is the police station?

MR. POSKET.

Mulberry Street.

CIS.

Who's the magistrate?

MR. POSKET.

I am!

CIS.

You! [_Seizing MR. POSKET by the collar and shaking him._] You dare to lock up my mother! Come with me and get her out!

[_He is dragging MR. POSKET towards the door, when MR. BULLAMY enters breathlessly._

MR. BULLAMY.

My dear Posket!

CIS.

[_Seizing MR. BULLAMY and dragging him with MR. POSKET to the door._] Come with me and get my mother out.

MR. BULLAMY.

Leave me alone, sir! She _is_ out! I managed it.

MR. POSKET AND CIS.

[_Together._] How?

MR. BULLAMY.

Wormington sent to me when you were taken ill. When I arrived at the Court, he had discovered, from your man-servant, Mrs. Posket's awful position.

CIS.

You leave my mother alone! Go on!

MR. BULLAMY.

Said I to myself, "This won't do, I must extricate these people somehow!" [_To MR. POSKET._] I'm not so damned conscientious as you are, Posket.

CIS.

Bravo! Go on!

MR. BULLAMY.

[_Producing his jujube box._] The first thing I did was to take a jujube.

CIS.

[_Snatching the jujube box from him._] Will you make haste?

MR. BULLAMY.

Then said I to Wormington, "Posket was _non compos mentis_ when he heard this case--I'm going to re-open the matter!"

CIS.

Hurrah!

MR. BULLAMY.

And I did! And what do you think I found out from the proprietor of the hotel!

MR. POSKET AND CIS.

What?

MR. BULLAMY.

That this young scamp, Mr. Cecil Farringdon, hires a room at the "Hotel des Princes."

CIS.

I know that.

MR. BULLAMY.

And that Mr. Farringdon was there last night with some low stockbroker of the name of Skinner.

CIS.

Go on--go on! [_Offering him the jujube box._] Take a jujube!

MR. BULLAMY.

[_Taking a jujube._] Now the law, which seems to me quite perfect, allows a man who rents a little apartment at an inn to eat and drink with his friends all night long.

CIS.

Well?

MR. BULLAMY.

So said I from the bench, "These ladies and gentlemen appear to be friends or relatives of a certain lodger in the 'Hotel des Princes.' "

CIS.

So they are!

MR. BULLAMY.

"They were all discovered in one room."

MR. POSKET.

So we were--I mean, so they were!

MR. BULLAMY.

"And I shall adjourn the case for a week to give Mr. Farringdon an opportunity of claiming these people as his guests."

CIS.

Three cheers for Bullamy.

MR. BULLAMY.

So I censured the police for their interference and released the ladies on their own recognisances.

MR. POSKET.

[_Taking MR. BULLAMY'S hand._] And the men?

MR. BULLAMY.

Well, unfortunately, Wormington took upon himself to despatch the men to the House of Correction before I arrived.

MR. POSKET.

I'm glad of it! They are dissolute villains! I'm glad of it.

_POPHAM enters._

POPHAM.

Oh, sir! Here's the missis and Miss Verrinder! In such a plight!

CIS.

The mater! Guv, you explain!

[_He hurries out. MR. POSKET rapidly retires into the window recess. AGATHA POSKET and CHARLOTTE enter, pale, red-eyed, and agitated. POPHAM goes out._

AGATHA POSKET AND CHARLOTTE.

[_Falling on to MR. BULLAMY'S shoulders._] O--o--h--h!

MR. BULLAMY.

My dear ladies!

AGATHA POSKET.

Preserver!

CHARLOTTE.

Friend!

AGATHA POSKET.

How is my boy?

MR. BULLAMY.

Never better.

AGATHA POSKET.

And the man who condemned his wife and sister-in-law to the miseries of a jail!

MR. BULLAMY.

Ahem! Posket--oh--he----

AGATHA POSKET.

Is he well enough to be told what that wife thinks of him?

MR. BULLAMY.

It might cause a relapse!

AGATHA POSKET.

It is my duty to risk that.

CHARLOTTE.

[_Raising the covers of the dishes on the table._] Food!

AGATHA POSKET.

Ah!

[_AGATHA POSKET and CHARLOTTE begin to devour a teacake voraciously._

MR. POSKET.

[_Advancing with an attempt at dignity._] Agatha Posket.

AGATHA POSKET.

[_Rising, with her mouth full, and a piece of teacake in her hand._] Sir!

[_CHARLOTTE takes the tray and everything on it from the table and goes towards the door._

MR. BULLAMY.

[_Going to the door._] There's going to be an explanation.

CHARLOTTE.

[_At the door._] There's going to be an explanation.

[_CHARLOTTE and MR. BULLAMY go out quietly._

MR. POSKET.

How dare you look me in the face, madam?

AGATHA POSKET.

How dare you look at anybody in any position, sir? You send your wife to prison for pushing a mere policeman.

MR. POSKET.

I didn't know what I was doing.

AGATHA POSKET.

Not when you requested two ladies to raise their veils and show their faces in the dock? We shouldn't have been discovered but for that.

MR. POSKET.

It was my duty.

AGATHA POSKET.

Duty! You don't go to the police court again alone! I guess now, Æneas Posket, why you clung to a single life so long. _You liked it!_

MR. POSKET.

I wish I had.

AGATHA POSKET.

Why didn't you marry till you were fifty?

MR. POSKET.

Perhaps I hadn't met a widow, madam.

AGATHA POSKET.

Paltry excuse. You revelled in a dissolute bachelorhood!

MR. POSKET.

Hah! Whist every evening!

AGATHA POSKET.

You can't play whist _alone._ You're an expert at hiding too!

MR. POSKET.

If I were I should thrash your boy!

AGATHA POSKET.

When you wished to conceal yourself last night, you selected a table with a lady under it.

MR. POSKET.

Ah, did you pinch me, or did Charlotte?

AGATHA POSKET.

I did--Charlotte's a single girl.

MR. POSKET.

I fancy, madam, you found my conduct under that table perfectly respectful?

AGATHA POSKET.

I don't know--I was too agitated to notice.

MR. POSKET.

Evasion--you're like all the women.

AGATHA POSKET.

Profligate! You oughtn't to know that!

MR. POSKET.

No wife of mine sups, unknown to me, with dissolute military men; we will have a judicial separation, Mrs. Posket.

AGATHA POSKET.

Certainly--I suppose you'll manage that at your police court, too?

MR. POSKET.

I shall send for my solicitor at once.

AGATHA POSKET.

Æneas! Mr. Posket! Whatever happens, you shall not have the custody of my boy.

MR. POSKET.

Your boy! _I_ take charge of _him?_ Agatha Posket, he has been my evil genius! He has made me a gambler at an atrocious game, called "Fireworks"--he has tortured my mind with abstruse speculations concerning "Sillikin" and "Butterscotch" for the St. Leger--he has caused me to cower before servants, and to fly before the police.

AGATHA POSKET.

He! My Cis?

_CIS enters having changed his clothes._

CIS.

[_Breezily._] Hallo, mater--got back?

AGATHA POSKET.

You wicked boy! You dare to have apartments at the "Hotel des Princes!"

MR. POSKET.

Yes--and it was to put a stop to that which induced me to go to Meek Street last night.

CIS.

Don't be angry, mater! I've got you out of your difficulties.

MR. POSKET.

But you got me into mine!

CIS.

Well, I know I did--one can't be always doing the right thing! It isn't Guv's fault--there!

MR. POSKET.

Swear it!

AGATHA POSKET.

No, he doesn't know the nature of an oath! I believe him! Æneas, I see now, this is all the result of a lack of candour on my part. Tell me, have you ever particularly observed this child?

MR. POSKET.

Oh!

AGATHA POSKET.

Has it ever struck you he is a little forward?

MR. POSKET.

Sometimes.

AGATHA POSKET.

You are wrong; he is awfully backward. [_Taking MR. POSKET'S hand._] Æneas; men always think they are marrying angels, and women would be angels if they never had to grow old. That warps their dispositions. I have deceived you, Æneas.

MR. POSKET.

Ah! Lukyn!

AGATHA POSKET.

No--no--you don't understand! Lukyn was my boy's godfather in eighteen sixty-six.

MR. POSKET.

1866?

CIS.

1886?

CIS AND MR. POSKET.

[_Together, reckoning rapidly upon their fingers._] 1886.

AGATHA POSKET.

S-s-s-h! Don't count! Cis, go away! [_To MR. POSKET._] When you proposed to me in the "Pantheon" at Spa, you particularly remarked, "Mrs. Farringdon, I love you for yourself _alone."_

MR. POSKET.

I know I did.

AGATHA POSKET.

Those were terrible words to address to a widow with a son of nineteen. [_CIS and MR. POSKET again reckon rapidly upon their fingers._] Don't count, Æneas, don't count! Those words tempted me. I glanced at my face in a neighbouring mirror, and I said "Æneas is fifty--why should I--a mere woman, compete with him on the question of age? He has already the advantage--I will be generous--I will add to it!" I led you to believe I had been married only fifteen years ago, I deceived you and my boy as to his real age, and I told you I was but one-and-thirty.

MR. POSKET.

It wasn't the truth?

AGATHA POSKET.

Ah! I merely lacked woman's commonest fault, exaggeration.

MR. POSKET.

But--Lukyn?

AGATHA POSKET.

Knows the real facts. I went to him last night to beg him not to disturb an arrangement which had brought happiness to all parties. Look. In place of a wayward, troublesome child, I now present you with a youth old enough to be a joy, comfort, and support!

CIS.

Oh, I say, mater, this is a frightful sell for a fellow.

AGATHA POSKET.

Go to your room, sir.

CIS.

I always thought there was something wrong with me. Blessed if I'm not behind the age!

[_CIS goes out._

AGATHA POSKET.

Forgive me, Æneas. Look at my bonnet! A night in Mulberry Street, without even a powder-puff, is an awful expiation.

MR. POSKET.

Agatha! How do I know Cis won't be five-and twenty to-morrow?

AGATHA POSKET.

No--no--you know the worst, and as long as I live, I'll never deceive you again--except in little things.

_LUKYN and VALE enter._

LUKYN.

[_Boiling with rage._] By George, Posket!

MR. POSKET.

My dear Lukyn!

LUKYN.

Do you know I am a confounded jail-bird, sir?

MR. POSKET.

An accident!

LUKYN.

And do you know what has happened to me in jail--a soldier, sir--an officer?

MR. POSKET.

No!

LUKYN.

I have been washed by the authorities.

MR. POSKET.

Lukyn, no!

_CHARLOTTE has entered, and she rushes across to VALE._

CHARLOTTE.

Horace! Horace! Not you, too?

VALE.

By Jove, Charlotte, I would have died first.

_MR. BULLAMY enters quickly._

MR. BULLAMY.

Mr. Posket, I shall choke, sir! Inspector Messiter is downstairs and says that Isidore, the waiter, swears that you are the man who escaped from Meek Street last night.

LUKYN.

What?

MR. BULLAMY.

This is a public scandal, sir!

LUKYN.

Your game is up, sir!

MR. BULLAMY.

You have brought a stain upon a spotless police court!

LUKYN.

And lectured me upon propriety and decorum.

MR. POSKET.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, when you have heard my story you will pity me.

LUKYN AND MR. BULLAMY.

[_Laughing ironically._] Ha! ha!

MR. POSKET.

You will find your old friend a Man, a Martyr, and a Magistrate!

_CIS enters, pulling BEATIE after him._

CIS.

Come on, Beatie! Guv--mater! here's news! Beatie and I have made up our minds to be married.

AGATHA POSKET.

Oh!

_POPHAM enters with champagne and glasses._

MR. POSKET.

What's this?

CIS.

Bellinger--'74--extra dry--to drink our health and happiness.

CHARLOTTE.

Champagne! It may save my life!

AGATHA POSKET.

Miss Tomlinson, go home!

MR. POSKET.

Stop! Cis Farringdon, my dear boy, you are but nineteen at present, but you were only fourteen yesterday, so you are a growing lad; on the day you marry and start for Canada, I will give you a thousand pounds!

POPHAM.

[_Putting her apron to her eyes._] Oh!

CIS.

[_Embracing BEATIE._] Hurrah! We'll be married directly.

AGATHA POSKET.

He's an infant! I forbid it!

MR. POSKET.

I am his legal guardian. Gentlemen, bear witness! I solemnly consent to that little wretch's marriage!

[_AGATHA POSKET sinks into a chair._

THE END.

Printed by Ballantyne & Company Ltd Tavistock Street Covent Garden London

Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on scanned images of two different copies posted by the Internet Archive. The primary source is posted at:

archive.org/details/magistratefarcei00pinerich

These images, scanned from a copy in the University of California, Berkeley Library, are of an edition printed in London by William Heinemann in 1914. Note that the Internet Archive identifier-access page for this copy incorrectly lists the publisher as W. H. Baker. The secondary source is posted at:

archive.org/details/cu31924013536556

These images, scanned from a copy in the Cornell University Library, are of an edition printed in New York by the United States Book Company.

The Heinemann (H) edition served as the copy-text for this transcription. The United States Book Company (US) edition changed spelling to American standards. For example, "colour" became "color", "recognise" became "recognize", "some one" became "someone", and "lor'" became "Lor'". The US edition also has minor deviations from playscript formatting conventions fairly standard at the time. While the H edition used the standard convention of printing entrances as centered and italicized without brackets, the US edition printed them with brackets. In addition, while the H edition generally did not close the brackets on stage directions right after a line of dialogue, the US edition did. Unfortunately, the H edition suffers from some minor editorial problems and printing errors such as missing punctuation marks, particularly next to margins and at the bottom of a page. In contrast, the US edition has few editorial or printing problems. When there was a question about the text in the H edition, the US text was consulted. In general, where context made a reading obvious, the obvious reading was given the benefit of the doubt without comment.

The following changes were noted:

- p. v: ..."The Schoolmistress," 'Dandy Dick," and "The Cabinet Minister."--Changed the single quotation mark before "Dandy" to a double quotation mark.

- p. vii: Added periods after "Mrs. JOHN WOOD" and "Miss MARION TERRY" for consistency.

- p. 8: ...but I feel like a grown up man!--Inserted hyphen between "grown" and "up". (US)

- p. 14: May I promise that, m'am?--Changed "m'am" to "ma'am" to be consistent with elsewhere in H and also US ed.

- p. 15: MR. BULLAMY--Added a period to end of character title.

- p. 26: He's a great favourite with all our friends--women friends especially--Added period to end of sentence.

- p. 37: MR. POSKET--Added a period to end of character title.

- p. 37: [_Gives MR. POSKET the letter._]--Moved to next line (US) and deleted closing bracket to be consistent with other stage directions in H.

- p. 59: [_Produces a folded silk handerchief..._--Changed "_handerchief_" to "_handkerchief_".

- p. 63: There's a little balcony to that window, step out...--Changed comma to a semicolon. (US)

- p. 88: A few hours ago it was--"By Jove, all is over.'--Changed closing single quotation mark to closing double quotation mark.

- p. 90: I know--I know. I'm going directly I can get the boy away--Added period to end of sentence.

- p. 93: [_To VALE_] Horace, can't you speak?--Added period after "VALE" for consistency.

- p. 98: To be ready for the morning--Added period to end of sentence.

- p. 99: What is underneath that window, Mr. Blond--Added question mark to end of sentence.

- p. 100: You're breathing--Added period to end of sentence.

- p. 103: Very nice part, Colonel. Thank you--Added a period after "Thank you".

- p. 103: Horace Edmund Cholmeley Clive Napier Vale Captain--Shropshire Fusiliers--Stark's Hotel, Conduit Street.--Added a period after "Vale". (US)

- p. 110: ...a method of delivering evidence articulately--Added a period to end of sentence.

- p. 113: "Cos I'm agoin' to join in the chase after you."--Inserted an apostrophe before "Cos". (US)

- p. 114: Bring him in. [_LUGG goes out._ Wyke! From Agatha!--Added a closing bracket after "out."

- p. 115: Tell Mrs. Posket I will come on the moment the Court rises--Added a period to end of sentence.

- p. 119: Two contrived to escape--Added a period to end of sentence.

- p. 125: I regret to see you in this terrible position, Colonel Lukyn--Added a period to end of sentence.

- P. 126: He's in it sir.--Added a comma after "it". (US and consistent elsewhere in H)

- p. 126: [_LUKYN sits again._] [_POSKET takes up the charge sheet._]--Deleted closing and opening brackets after "again." (US)

- p. 134: _They turn their collars down, MR. POSKET takes MR. WORMINGTON'S arm._--Changed comma to a semicolon. (US)

- p. 136: I haven t found 'em.--Added an apostrophe between "haven" and "t".

- p. 137: It's my opinion he's got a softening of the brain--Added period to end of sentence.

- p. 137: [_He goes through the curtains._]--Moved to next line (US) and deleted closing bracket to be consistent with other stage directions in H.

- p. 144: [_Following him with the paper and inkstand_]--Added period after inkstand for consistency. (US)

- p. 150: I'm going to re-open the matter!--Added closing double quotation mark at end of sentence. (US)

- p. 153: ...who condemned his wife and sister in-law to the miseries of a jail!--Inserted a hyphen between "sister" and "in-law".

- p. 159: S-s-s h! Don't count!--Added hyphen between "S-s-s" and "h!" (US)

- p. 161: _CHARLOTTE has entered, and she rushes across to VALE_--Added a period to the end of the sentence.

Some inconsistences that existed in both H and US were allowed to stand. For example, characters are occasionally referred to slightly differently in the stage directions, e.g., "POSKET" vs. "MR. POSKET". The name of the hotel in Act Two is spelled with an "ô" in the cast and scene lists at the beginning of the play but is spelled with an "o" elsewhere in the text. Lugg's rank is spelled "Serjeant" in the cast list and "Sergeant" elsewhere. Both "missis" and "missus" are used. The number for Lukyn's address is both "19a" and "19A". Variant spellings in H such as "neckkerchief" and "table-cloth" were not changed.

The html version of this etext attempts to reproduce the layout of the printed text. However, some concessions have been made, partly to simplify coding and partly to facilitate the generation of files from the html file. For example, stage directions at the end of a line of dialogue were placed on the next line, indented the same amount from the left margin, and coded as hanging paragraphs. The layout of the title page was simplified. The simultaneous speech on page 81 was coded so as to avoid the use of an html table. The footnote on p. 110 was enclosed in a border.