Chapter I: Part 1

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THE NEW PUN BOOK

COLLECTED, EDITED AND ARRANGED FROM
THE NOTES OF TWO LEARNED PUNDITS

Who thought they never saw the Punjab delighted in
all pungencies of speech. Scholarly men who rejoice
in punctiliousness in their language, contrive to
improve its flavor and precision by exercise in
these unexpected juxtapositions. Thus, as
with our Pundit's famous countryman Mr.
Jaberjee, though they use the purest
language, they can instantly express
every shade of thought with grace
and completeness without resorting
to slang:--that ready cloak
wherewith puny minds strive
to cover their vulgarity
and lack of culture.

BY T. B. AND T. C.

New York
FRANK VERNON & CO.
103 Park Avenue

COPYRIGHT 1906
By CAREY-STAFFORD CO.

The New Pun Book

"He's a professional grafter."

"Who?"

"The nurseryman."

* * * * *

"You know Fatty Schultz the butcher. What do you suppose he weighs?"

"I don't know, what does he weigh?"

"Meat."

* * * * *

"I saw a sign in a hardware store to-day 'Cast iron sinks.' As though everyone wasn't wise to that."

* * * * *

"How are you to-day?"

"Oh, I can't kick."

"Thought you were ill."

"I am--I have the gout."

* * * * *

"Let me see," said the minister, who was filling out the marriage certificate and had forgotten the date, "this is the fifth, is it not?"

"No, sir!" said the bride, with some indignation, "this is only my third!"

* * * * *

She--I had a $5 bill in this dictionary yesterday and I can't find it anywhere.

He--Did you look among the Vs, dear?

* * * * *

"Have you ever met my sister, Louisa?"

"Yes. She's rather stout, isn't she?"

"I have another at home--Lena."

* * * * *

"Why do you call that colored man a blackmailer."

"Because he is employed at the post-office. And that ain't the worst of it."

"No?"

"No, sir; his wife takes hush money."

"You don't say so!"

"I do. She's a child nurse."

* * * * *

The street car lurched, she fell ker-flump!
But got up with a happy smile,
And to the young man said: "Please, sir,
How many laps are to the mile?"

* * * * *

I hear they are trying to close up the gambling establishments in New York. Why didn't they close up Adam? He was the first gambler. Didn't he start the races?

* * * * *

"Gee, I just made a bad break," murmured the chef, as he threw away some rotten eggs.

* * * * *

"This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it?"

"Not bad," replied the visitor, "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make."

"Oh! are you in this line, too?"

"No. We make gunpowder."

* * * * *

You ought to sleep well, You lie so easily!

* * * * *

"My girl's father is an undertaker. He has invented an automobile hearse. Folks are just dying to ride in it."

* * * * *

"An Irishman comes to this country, remains here ten years, and goes back to Ireland and dies. What is he?"

"Why, an Irishman, of course."

"No, you're wrong; he is a corpse."

* * * * *

He--Why has he put her picture in his watch?

She--Because he thinks she will love him in time.

* * * * *

"I saw some delicious apples growing on a tree this morning. I couldn't reach them, and asked the lady of the house if she would let me take a step-ladder."

"Did she give it to you?"

"No; but she gave me a stare."

* * * * *

"My sister had a fright yesterday. She had a black spider run up her arm."

"That's nothing. I had a sewing machine run up the seam of my trousers."

* * * * *

Attorney for the Defense--Have you ever been cross-examined before?

The Witness--Have I. I'm a married man.--Life.

* * * * *

--I met a deaf and dumb man to-day who had every joint of his fingers broken.

--That is terrible, how did it happen?

--Well, he used to crack jokes on his fingers.

* * * * *

"I'm nearly starved. Just got in from a three-hour trip on the New York Central."

"But couldn't you get anything to eat on the train?"

"Nope! It was a 'fast' train."

* * * * *

"What do you think of the statement that there are three hundred haunted houses in New York?" asked Mr. Knickerbocker.

"Oh," replied Jones, "that only ghost to show how plentiful spirits are here."

* * * * *

"I saw a big rat in my cook-stove and when I went for my revolver he ran out."

"Did you shoot him?"

"No. He was out of my range."

* * * * *

GREENE--"These wakes of yours are pretty boisterous affairs sometimes."

FINNEGAN--"Av coarse! Sure, we hav' t' make a great noise t' wake the dead."

* * * * *

"I see Dorkins has got all of his seven daughters married off."

"Yes, but he took advantage of his official position to effect it."

"How was that?"

"Why, he is chairman of the board of public works and he advertised for proposals."

* * * * *

"Are your folks well to do?"

"No. They're hard to do."

* * * * *

"If you should die, what would you do with your body?"

"I don't know."

"I'd sell mine to a medical student."

"Then you'd be giving yourself dead away."

* * * * *

"I was at the track to-day, Percy, and there was a horse down there with the itch. He came up to the post, and they scratched him."

* * * * *

HE--"Yes, she is living under an assumed name."

SHE--"Horrible! What is it?"

HE--"The one she assumed immediately after her husband married her!"

* * * * *

BIGGS--"I hear the jail was afire this morning?"

BAGGS--"Naw; it was only a sell."

* * * * *

Love they say is blind. Well: if so marriage must be an eye-opener.

* * * * *

"It doesn't do any good to scold the janitor about our cold rooms."

"Yes, it does. I get all warmed up when I talk to him."

* * * * *

"This liver is awful, Maud," said Mr. Newwed.

"I'm very sorry," returned the bride, "I'll tell the cook to speak to the livery-man about it."

* * * * *

"Who was the first one that came from the ark when it landed."

"Noah."

"You are wrong. Don't the good book tell us that Noah came forth? So there must have been three ahead of him."

* * * * *

RAILWAY CLERK--Another accident on the road to-day, sir.

MANAGER--Indeed; What now?

CLERK--Man dislocated his neck trying to read our new time table.

* * * * *

"I got your fare, didn't I?" asked the conductor.

"I believe not," the facetious passenger replied. "I think I saw you ring it up."

* * * * *

ISAACS--Undt suppose dey did send us a message from Mars, how could dey tell if we got it?

COHEN--Vell, dey mighd send it gollect undt see if ve paid for it.

* * * * *

HE--I'll go to-morrow and buy a diamond engagement ring.

SHE--Now, George, for the first time your talk has the true ring in it.

* * * * *

"I am told," said she, saucily, "that though you are a military man, you are afraid of powder."

"To prove that the assertion is calumnious," replied he, "I have only to do this."

Whereupon he lightly kissed her on the cheek, and his lips showed that he was not.

* * * * *

MRS. PENDERGAST (in disgust)--You call these shades alike! Is there anything you can match?

MR. PENDERGAST--Yes. Pennies.

* * * * *

Pressed for work--cider.

Never out of print--the calico counter.

* * * * *

"Is this a fire insurance office?"

"Yes, sir; can we write you some insurance?"

"Perhaps you can. You see, my employer threatens to fire me next Saturday, and I'd like some protection."

* * * * *

"We should never complain, whatever may befall us," said the minister. "The moment we grow dissatisfied we become unhappy."

"Do you really think so?" she sighed.

"Yes," returned the good man; "the first woman who complained of her Lot, was turned into a pillar of salt."

* * * * *

"Tommy," said mamma, tearfully, "it gives me as much pain as it does you to punish you."

TOMMY (also tearfully)--Mebbe it does, but not in the same place.

* * * * *

"I'll never ask another woman to marry me as long as I live!"

"Refused again?"

"No; accepted."

* * * * *

A wag who thought to have a joke at the expense of an Irish provision dealer said, "Can you supply me with a yard of pork?"

"Pat," said the dealer to his assistant, "give this gentleman three pig's feet."

* * * * *

"They say corporations have no soul."

"How about the Shoe Trust."

* * * * *

"Did your sweetheart receive you warmly last night?" asked one Pittsburg young man of another.

"No, but her father did."

"How was that?"

"He fired me."

* * * * *

"Permit me, then, to die at your feet!" he cried desperately.

She shivered.

"I see no objection to that," she answered. "All papa said was that you mustn't hang around here."

* * * * *

Don't doubt the veteran who tells you he was always where the bullets were thickest; perhaps he was hiding under the ammunition wagon.

* * * * *

MR. BIXBY--Have you noticed how much better I rest after a day's fishing?

MRS. BIXBY--No; but I have noticed how much easier you lie after a day's fishing than upon other days.

* * * * *

"Nature never allows anything to run to waist."

"Humph! You've never seen a Vermont girl of forty."

* * * * *

"What's the matter here?"

"Man broke his neck."

"What story did he fall from?"

"Didn't fall--tried to see the top of the building."

* * * * *

According to a florist's magazine "Jacks are becoming cheap." This may be true, but we have known men who would have been willing to pay $10 for one to put with the two already in their hands.

* * * * *

JOHNNY--What makes you look so tired?

TOMMY--My step-mother is sick end now I'll get licked before every meal. The doctor says she must take exercise on an empty stomach.

* * * * *

BROWN--"Peckhen has arrived safe. I just received a cablegram from him."

SMITH--"Did he have a rough voyage?"

BROWN--"No; his wife didn't go."

* * * * *

"Oh, live and let live, my man."

"Yes, I'd look well, wouldn't I? I'm a butcher."

* * * * *

SMITH--I notice that Robinson has an article in the paper this morning.

JONES--Indeed! I didn't see it. What was it?

SMITH--His spring overcoat. He was taking it to the tailor to be pressed and cleaned.

* * * * *

When Lot found his wife transformed into a pillar of salt, he was wise enough to let it go at that and not take a fresh one.

* * * * *

SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Our frent Cohen must pe goin' t' haf a fire.

ISAAC ISAACS--Vy?

SOLOMAN SOLOMAN--Vell, he took oud an inshoorance bolicy yeste'day.

* * * * *

"A telephone girl always reminds me of a pictured saint."

"Why?"

"There is a continual 'hello' around her head."

* * * * *

A husband and wife are considered one, but it is useless to try to work that gag on the landlord when he presents the board bill.

* * * * *

"You haven't a cent, and yet wish to marry Miss Bilyan. Don't you expect her father to kick you out?"

"Oh, no I intend to go before the footlights."

* * * * *

YOUNG M.D.--That jig is up.

OLD M.D.--What do you mean?

YOUNG M.D.--That fellow with St. Vitus's dance died this morning.

* * * * *

"Do you think that as a rule people who attend theaters are superstitious?"

"Do I think so? I know it. I have seen people sit for an hour waiting for a ghost to walk."

"For that matter the actors themselves often wait longer than that."

* * * * *

"Here's an account of a hen which layed three eggs at once, and then died," remarked Mrs. Sumway.

"From over-eggsertion, probably," commented her husband.

* * * * *

"What is the best way to raise cabbage?"

"With a knife and fork."

* * * * *

"Why is Miss B---- wearing black?"

"She is in mourning for her husband."

"Why, she never had a husband!"

"No, that is why she mourns."

* * * * *

"Dearest," she murmured, "I'm so afraid you'll change."

"Darling," he answered, "you'll never find any change about me."

* * * * *

"What's the matter here?" asked a stranger of a small boy, as he noticed a large wedding party coming out of a church on Fifth avenue.

"Nawthin' but the tied goin' out."

* * * * *

Oh, the sadness of her sadness when she's sad!
Oh, the gladness of her gladness when she's glad!
But the sadness of her sadness,
And the gladness of her gladness,
Are nothing to her madness when she's mad!

* * * * *

"Is it raining, girls?"

"No," broke in Cumso; "only cats and dogs."

* * * * *

GUEST--What have you got?

WAITER--I've got liver, calf's brains, pig's feet--

GUEST--Hold up there! I don't want a description of your physical peculiarities. What have you got to eat is what I want to know.

* * * * *

STRANGER--"Boy, can you direct me to the bank?"

BOY--"I kin for a quarter."

STRANGER--"A quarter! Isn't that high pay?"

BOY--"Yes, sir; but it's bank directors what gits high pay, you see, sir!"

* * * * *

"It's very puzzling," said a worried looking woman to one of her neighbors.

"What's that?"

"I can't tell whether Willie is corrupting the parrot or whether the parrot is corrupting Willie."

* * * * *

PLAYWRIGHT--"There is a great climax in the last act. Just as two burglars climb in the kitchen window the clock strikes one; then----"

MANAGER CONN--"Be more explicit. Which one did the clock strike?"

* * * * *

"I sent a dollar last week" said the Good thing, "in answer to that advertisement offering a method of saving one-half my gas bills."

"And you got----"

"A printed slip directing me to paste them in a scrap-book."

* * * * *

"Did any of you ever see an elephant's skin?" inquired a teacher of a class of youths.

"I have," exclaimed one.

"Where?" asked the teacher.

"On the elephant," replied the boy.

* * * * *

"Curious, isn't it?"

"What?"

"A man's handwriting is never so bad that his name can't be read when signed to a check."

* * * * *

"That cook would make a good baseball player."

"Why so?"

"A fly got into the batter when she was serving the griddles, and the way she caught that fly from the batter was a sight to rush an umpire into an early grave."

* * * * *

When you see a young man cleaning a girl's bicycle, they are engaged; but when you see the operation reversed, they are married.

* * * * *

SHE (approvingly)--You won her hand, then?

HE (rather glumly)--Humph--I presume so. I'm under her thumb.

* * * * *

"What is the difference between the admission to a dime museum and the admission to Sing Sing?"

"Don't know. What?"

"One is ten cents and the other is sentence."

* * * * *

"A man at the hotel wanted to bet that Corbett would knock out Jeffries."

"Who took him up?"

"The elevator boy, I think."

* * * * *

Why is a railroad train like a bedbug?

It runs over the sleepers.

* * * * *

CALLER--Wonder if I can see your mother, little boy? Is she engaged?

LITTLE BOY--Engaged? Whatcher givin' us? She's married.

* * * * *

"I must admit," said the mannish girl, "that I'm very fond of men's clothes. You don't like them, do you?"

"Yes. I do," replied the girly girl, frankly, "when there's a man in them."

* * * * *

When a woman finds her dress does not match her complexion, it is always easy enough to change her complexion.

* * * * *

"My friend," said the long-coated old man, solemnly, "have you made preparation for the day of judgment?"

"Sir," replied the young man, "that's how I make my living."

"Young man!"

"I'm employed in the sheriffs office."

* * * * *

"George, you look exhausted," she said to him as he was putting on his hat and coat.

"Yes," he answered, glancing towards his daughter at the piano. "I'm played out."

* * * * *

Of the heroine in one of the latest sensational novels it is said: "Her eyes chained him to the spit." She must have been links-eyed.

* * * * *

"Do I bore you?" asked the mosquito, politely, as he sunk a half-inch shaft into the man's leg.

"Not at all," replied the man, squashing him with a book. "How do I strike you?"

* * * * *

"How did that fight between the bridge tenders end?"

"It was fought to a draw--and they both fell in!"

* * * * *

What kind of essence does a young man like when he pops the question? Acquiescence.

* * * * *

MASHINGTON--What's the matter with your clock? It's stopped.

TAILOR--I never wind it up. I use it as a motto.

"What do you mean?"

"No tick here."

* * * * *

The hawk was dozing. "You look," said the jay, from a safe distance, "as if you were full."

"Well," the hawk admitted, "I have just been having a little lark that was a bird."

* * * * *

"You ought to be very proud of your wife. She is a brilliant talker."

"You're right there."

"Why, I could listen to her all night."

"I have to."

* * * * *

"I once knew a man who, with the aid of a microscope, made a harness for a flea."

"Humph!" replied the other, "that's nothing. I saw that same flea harnessed."

* * * * *

"You want a divorce from your wife, do you?"

"Yes, sir, I do."

"What grounds?"

"Incompatability. She and the cook are quarreling continually."

* * * * *

"How about the lazy man who hurt his eye looking for work?"

"That's nothing. How about the industrious safe breaker doing time for making money?"

* * * * *

Don't take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.

* * * * *

"Women, my boy," said a parent to his son, "are a delusion and a snare." "It is queer," murmured the boy, "people will hug a delusion." And while the old man looked queerly at him, the young man hunted up his roller-skates and went out to be snared.

* * * * *

"Would you," said the reporter who gets novel interviews, "tell me what book helped you most in life?"

After a thoughtful pause, the great man answered: "My bank-book."

* * * * *

"You were thrown out?" remarked the ash barrel. "That's what you get for being crooked."

"The crookedness, is not my fault," said the nail. "I was driven to it by a woman."

* * * * *

"What relation is a door-step to a door-mat?"

"What relation?"

"A step-farther."

* * * * *

GUIDE--This is a dogwood tree.

STRANGER--How can you tell?

GUIDE--By its bark.

* * * * *

Some of us have more ups and downs in this world than others, but when we get to the cemetery, we will all be on the dead level.

* * * * *

MRS. POWELL--"I have such an indulgent husband!"

MRS. CAMERON (spitefully)--"Yes, so Justin tells me, but he sometimes indulges too much, doesn't he?"

* * * * *

"They caught the burglars that robbed the hotel last night."

"How?"

"They jumped on the scales and gave themselves a weigh."

* * * * *

"You own your own house, don't you?"

"I used to."

"Have you sold it?"

"No, I haven't sold it."

"Then how is it you don't own it?"

"Well, you see, we have company most of the time."

* * * * *

"Mike, d' I ever tell ye the story about the dirty window?"

"You did not. Tell me about it."

"No use--you couldn't see through it."

* * * * *

A lady noticed a boy sprinkling salt on the sidewalk to take off the ice, and remarked to a friend, pointing to the salt:

"Now, that's true benevolence."

"No, it ain't," said the boy, somewhat indignant, "it's salt."

* * * * *

TEACHER--Thomas, can you tell me which battle Nelson was killed in?

TOMMY (after a moment's reflection)--I think it was his last.

* * * * *

JOHNNIE--"Ya-as, I've just come back from Ireland--County Cork. Ever been to Cork?"

SOUBRETTE--"No--but I've seen a good many drawings of it."

* * * * *

"What is love?"

"A fresh egg."

"Marriage?"

"Hard boiled eggs."

"Divorce?"

"Scrambled eggs."

* * * * *

How by the statesman insincere
Man's weary soul is vexed.
He'll shake your hand one minute and
He'll pull your leg the next!

* * * * *

"Hush, not so loud! We're having a conference of the powers."

"Eh! Who is conferring?"

"My wife, my mother-in-law and the cook."

* * * * *

"I saw De Castro, the magician, make a $20 gold piece disappear in three minutes." "That's nothing. You ought to see my wife with a $20 bill at a church bazaar."

* * * * *

An art-school student recently painted the picture of a dog under a tree so lifelike that it was impossible to distinguish the bark of the tree from that of the dog.

* * * * *

LADY--Why do you remove your sword, Lieutenant?

GALLANT OFFICER--My lovely miss, the fire from those eyes would compel the bravest soldier to surrender his arms.

* * * * *

SHE--"You used to call me the light of your life."

HE--"Ah, but I had no idea then how much it would cost to keep it burning."

* * * * *

MOSES--"How did you make your money, Ike?"

IKE--"By horse-razing."

MOSES--"Vatt, not bedding?"

IKE--"Naw--I started a pawnshop just by the oudside of de razetrack for de peoble who vanted to get home ven de razes was over."

* * * * *

HE--Don't you think Miss Plainly is the very image of her mother?

SHE--Yes, indeed; the resemblance is something awful.

* * * * *

--"I want to be an angel."

--"Just wait till you've backed one or two 'stars,' and you'll change that tune my boy."

* * * * *

Telephone operators are always bound to have the last word; that's why females are always employed in that capacity.

* * * * *

"What are you going to do with your boy?"

"I don't know; I'm afraid he is a bad egg."

"In that case he might do for an actor."

* * * * *

BIGGS--That butcher is an awkward fellow.

BOGGS--Yes, I notice his hands are always in his weigh.

* * * * *

"Is the proprietor in?" asked the visitor to the planing mill. "I want to order some doors."

"He's in," replied the smart office boy, "but I think he's out o' doors."

* * * * *

"Did the minister say anything comforting?" asked the neighbor of the widow recently bereaved.

"Indeed, he didn't," was the quick reply. "He said my husband was better off."

* * * * *

"What kind of hen lays the longest?"

"What kind?"

"A dead hen."

* * * * *

CITYMAN--Do they keep a servant girl?

SUBBUBS--O! certainly not. But as soon as one leaves they engage another.--_Philadelphia Press._

* * * * *

If a woman would change her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then, of course.

* * * * *

"What in the world shall I do with the baby, John? She's crying for the moon."

"That's nothing. Wait till she's eighteen and she'll want the earth."

* * * * *

"The man who was run over by the cars the other day, is now out of danger."

"That's good."

"He died this morning."

* * * * *

"The death of her husband must have been a dreadful blow to Mrs. Musicale."

"It was, indeed."

"I suppose she has given up her piano playing entirely."

"No; she still plays; but only on the black keys."

* * * * *

Poor Lot's wife turned to salt, alas!
Her fate was most unkind.
No doubt she only wished to see
How hung her skirt behind.

* * * * *

SMITH--There is something that will never be boycotted by the fair sex as long as time lasts.

JONES--What's that?

SMITH--The Easter bonnet.

* * * * *

"In one way the clock makers are independent of labor troubles."

"That's very fortunate, isn't it," said his wife innocently, "but how?"

"Simply because in clock works the hands never strike."

* * * * *

"There is a man who never knew such a thing as fear."

"Ah, had a military training, I suppose."

"No; his nerve is inherited. His father and his grandfather were both janitors."

* * * * *

"What is the plural of man, Johnny?" asked the teacher of a small pupil.

"Men," answered Johnny.

"Correct," said the teacher. "And what is the plural of child?"

"Twins," was the unexpected answer.

* * * * *

FIRST COMEDIAN--"Did you score a hit with your new specialty?"

SECOND COMEDIAN--"Did I? Why, the audience gazed in open-mouthed wonder before I was half through."

FIRST COMEDIAN--"Wonderful! It is seldom that an entire audience yawns at once."

* * * * *

If I might hold that hand again
Clasped lovingly in mine,
I'd little care what others sought--
That hand I held, lang syne!

That hand! Oh, warm it was and soft!
Soft? Ne'er was so soft a thing!
Ah, me! I'll hold it ne'er again--
Ace, ten, knave, queen and king!

* * * * *

WIFE--"Got a dollar?"

HUSBAND--"Where's the last dollar I gave you?"

"Gone."

"I thought I told you to make it go as far as you could."

"I did."

"Doesn't look like it."

"Well, I did; I sent it to the Fiji Island heathen."

* * * * *

Some one threw a head of cabbage at an Irish orator while he was making a speech once. He paused a second, and said: "Gentlemen, I only asked for your ears, I don't care for your heads!" He was not bothered any more during the remainder of his speech.

* * * * *

"Why are you sad, Bill?"

"Oh, I am troubled with dyspepsia."

"How can that be?"

"I got licked at school 'cause I couldn't spell it."

* * * * *

MRS. LIMBERCHIN--I was so mad last night I couldn't speak.

MR. L.--And I was away! Just my luck!

* * * * *

--"That Jersey murderer was clever to get off as he did, wasn't he?"

--"What was his plea--insanity?"

--"No, malaria."

* * * * *

"I've been married five years, and I've got a bushel of children."

"How's that?"

"My name is Peck. I've got four children. Don't four pecks make a bushel?"

* * * * *

The weary desert stretched for miles. Stretched for sheer weariness. Not a drop of water was in sight.

Then it was that the traveler had an inspiration.

He wrung his hands.

* * * * *

"Corbett and Fitzsimmons will never fight again."

"Why?"

"Because they can not get gloves to Fitzsimmons."

* * * * *

ASKIT-What is a convenient fall trip for me to take?

TELLIT-You might step on a banana peel or try to balance on a cake of soap at the head of the stairs.

* * * * *

"There is but one thing," said the professor of medicine, gravely, "that we know about death."

"And that is, sir?" queried the student.

"It is always fatal."

* * * * *

"Did you hear about Miss Jones?"

"No. What's up?"

"Why, she eloped with one of the boarders in the hotel."

"Oh, that was only a roomer!"

* * * * *

"When was money first invented?"

"I don't know. When was it?"

"When the dove brought the greenback to Noah."

* * * * *

"What a distinguished looking man."

"Yes, the last time I saw him he was on the bench."

"What, a judge?"

"No; a substitute ball-player."

* * * * *

HE--"Didn't you promise to love, honor and obey me?"

SHE--"Heaven only knows what I promised. I was listening to hear what you promised."

* * * * *

THIN BOARDER--"I don't see how you manage to fare so well at this boarding-house. I have industriously courted the landlady and all her daughters, but I'm half-starved."

FAT BOARDER--"I court the cook."

* * * * *

"Why should a young man never raise his straw hat to a lady?"

"Because it is never felt."

* * * * *

JONES--"Well, we had an addition to our family yesterday."

SMITH--"You don't say so? Boy or girl?"

JONES--"Neither. It's my wife's mother."

* * * * *

DINER--"Hello! waiter, where is that ox-tail soup?"

WAITER--"Coming, sir--half a minute."

DINER--"Confound you! How slow you are."

WAITER--"Fault of the soup, sir. Ox-tail is always behind."

* * * * *

An Irishman was planting shade trees when a passing lady said:

"You're digging out the holes, are you, Mr. Haggerty?"

"No, mum. Oi'm diggin' out the dirt an' lavin' the holes."

* * * * *

Irish foreman, to gang of men in a sewer: "How many men is down in that hole?"

Voice from the sewer: "Three, sorr."

Irish foreman: "Then lave half of yez cum up."

* * * * *

TRAMP--"Can't you give a poor man something to eat? I got shot in the war and can't work."

Woman-"Where was you shot?"

"In the spinal column, mum."

"Go 'way! There was no such battle."

* * * * *

"I suppose Barnum went to heaven when he died?"

"Well, he certainly had a good chance. In fact he had the greatest show on earth."

* * * * *

"Why do all bank cashiers run to Canada?"

"Give it up."

"Because that's the only place Toronto."

* * * * *

"Were you attached to the place?"

The actress laughed bitterly.

"I don't know what you'd call it," she rejoined. "The sheriff had all my dresses except a Mother Hubbard."

* * * * *

"If a guest at a restaurant ordered a lobster and ate it, and another guest did the same, what would the latter's telephone number be?"

It would be "8-1-2."

* * * * *

An Irishman quarreling with an Englishman, told him if he didn't hold his tongue he would break his impenetrable head, and let his brains out of his empty skull.

* * * * *

PETERS--"Are you not sick of hearing everybody sing that popular song?"

WINKLE--"Not I."

PETERS--"Heavens! How can you stand it?"

WINKLE-"I wrote the song."

* * * * *

I'm the champion long distance cornet player. I entered a contest once and I played "Annie Laurie" for three weeks.

Did you win?

No, my opponent played "Stars and Stripes Forever."

* * * * *

"What have you here?" asked the fresh young man of the waiter at a first-class restaurant.

"Everything, sir."

"Everything?" sneeringly, "Have it served at once."

"Hash for one," yelled the waiter.

* * * * *

When we first dined at a cafe
We feared they'd drop their trays, but later
We learned, somewhat to our dismay,
It takes--as scores of men will say--
A big "tip" to upset a waiter.

* * * * *

"Irish stew," said the restaurant guest.

"Faith, I am Irish, tew," said the waiter.

* * * * *

Comstock shuddered the other evening when a lady asked him if he cared for undressed kids.

* * * * *

MRS. TILFORD OF SOROSIS--"It must have taken Daniel Webster a long time to compile the dictionary; don't you think so?"

TILFORD--"Daniel? You mean Noah, don't you?"

MRS. TILFORD (tartly)--"Now don't be silly. Noah built the ark."

* * * * *

"Is your friend the dentist a society chap?"

"Well, in one way. He attends lots of swell gatherings."

* * * * *

"Did you know that Xanthippe, wife of one of the greatest of ancient philosophers, was a great scold?"

"Certainly; but just think what a great tease her husband was."

"A great tease?"

"Yes; Socrates."

* * * * *

The pugilist boxes his man before he lays him out. The undertaker lays out his man before he boxes him.

* * * * *

An old-maid being at a loss for a pin-cushion, made use of an onion for the purpose. On the following morning she found all the needles had tears in their eyes.

* * * * *

BROWN--Up at Hagenbeck's show there is a large bear that hugs a woman without killing her.

JONES--That's nothing. I've often seen a lobster do that.

* * * * *

"Why do you call him 'Mr. Gimlet?' That isn't his name."

"I know. But he's such a bore!"

* * * * *

AMERICAN--"You have noticed, I suppose, that the balance of trade, so far as your country and ours are concerned, is still in our favor?"

ENGLISHMAN--"Nothing of the sort, sir. We exchange a worn-out title for a beautiful American heiress almost every day in the year."

* * * * *

HUSBAND--"I am going to buy two little children."

WIFE--"Where in the world can you buy them?"

HUSBAND--"Down at the department store."

WIFE--"Who put such nonsense into your head?"

HUSBAND--"I saw a big sign in their window to-day, 'Ladies and gents' undressed kids for a dollar.'"

* * * * *

"Your father has a strong box at home, hasn't he, Willie," said the teacher.

"Yes'm," replied Willie; "the one he keeps the limburger in."

* * * * *

"This wireless telegraphy reminds me of a groundless quarrel."

"What possible connection is there between the two?"

"It's practically having words over nothing."

* * * * *

To-morrow never comes, they say;
But all such talk is idle gush,
For when we have a debt to pay
To-morrow gets there with a rush.

* * * * *

"Did you go into any of the New York restaurants?"

"No. I got into what I thought was one and I heard a feller call for Saratoga chips and I knew 'twas a gamblin'-den and got out quick."

* * * * *

"The word 'reviver' spells the same backwards and forwards."

It was the frivolous man who spoke.

"Can you think of another?"

The serious man scowled up from his newspaper.

"Tut-tut!" he cried contemptuously.

And they rode on in silence.

* * * * *

I hear they're going to change the name of Central Park to Orchard Park.

Why, how is that?

Well, there are so many pears (pairs) found under the trees.

* * * * *

TOM--"I understand that Cholly went hunting the other day. What did he hit?"

DICK--"Nothing."

HARRY--"Why, I heard he shot himself in the foot."

DICK--"That's what I said."

* * * * *

"Two wrongs don't make a right."

"Yes, they do."

"How so?"

"Why, some one passed a counterfeit five-dollar bill on me to-day; that was wrong. I gave it to my landlady for board; that was wrong, but it made me right."

* * * * *

"It's all foolishness to talk about any one getting the worst of it in the matrimonial game," declared the big man with a silk hat and a loud suit of clothes.

"How's that?"

"Marriage is always a tie."

* * * * *

An old lady, being told that a certain lawyer "was lying at the point of death," exclaimed: "My Gracious! Won't even death stop that man's lying?"

* * * * *

We mustn't kiss the baby, we mustn't kiss the kid,
We mustn't kiss the dainty miss, so scientists affirm;
To pounce upon and "wrastle" us there waits the awful bacillus,
The sempiternal, most infernal omnipresent germ.

* * * * *

"What I like about the Irish is that they are so modest and unassuming."

"Holy smoke!"

"Fact. When an Irishman does anything great he does not go bragging of his ability as another man would. He merely brags about Ireland."

* * * * *

"I had soup in a restaurant the other day and found an oyster in it."

"Great Scott! That one oyster in the soup joke is old."

"Yes, but this was tomato soup."

* * * * *

"I was at a banquet last night. I just had a lovely time. We had everything a man could wish for."

"Did you have any pale ale?"

"No; we didn't have the pail."

* * * * *

A cement maker advertises that his cement is strong enough to mend the break of day.

* * * * *

Rowley Powley, pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
** ** ** ** **
But _entre nous_, that legend of yore
Only tells half; they cried for more!

* * * * *

"Are you the photographer?"

"Yes sir."

"Do you take children's pictures?"

"Yes sir."

"How much do you charge?"

"Three dollars a dozen."

"Well, I have to see you again. I've only got eleven."

* * * * *

THE MAN--Edison's a wonder, isn't he?

THE MAID--I don't think so! You can't turn his incandescent lights down low.

* * * * *

"When were walking-sticks first invented?"

"When?"

"When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain."

* * * * *

"Pat," said one Catholic friend to another, "how would you like to be buried in a Protestant graveyard?"

"Faith an' I'd die first!"

* * * * *

--No matter how high an awning may be suspended, it is only a shade above the street.

* * * * *

An Irishman, just landed, seeing an electric-motor car running for the first time, exclaimed: "Well, well, Ould Nick must be pullin' it wid a string."

* * * * *

DAME RUMOR ought frequently to have her named spelled without the e.

* * * * *

"Where are you working now?"

"I'm working down in a match factory."

"How is business?"

"Light."

* * * * *

An Irish doctor advertises that the deaf may hear of him at a house in Liffey street, where his blind patients may see him from ten till three.

* * * * *

"Where are you going, my pretty maid?"

"Out automobiling, sir," she said.

"May I go with you, my pretty maid?"

"If you can steer the old thing, you may," she said.

* * * * *

A painter, who fell off a scaffold with a pot of paint in each hand said: "well, I came down with flying colors, anyhow."

* * * * *

--"I'm very sorry for that boy. Your scolding cut him to the quick."

--"That's impossible. He has no quick. He's a messenger boy."

* * * * *

A lady one day being in need of some small change called down-stairs to the cook and enquired: "Mary, have you any 'coppers' down there?" "Yes, mum, I've two; but if you please, mum, they're both me cousins," was the unexpected reply.

* * * * *

"When I was eating my dinner to-day the butter ran."

"That's nothing. I was up-town last night and saw a cake walk."

* * * * *

SHE--"They say that your father is a millionaire. Is it true?"

HE--"Yes; and, strange to say, I am one also."

SHE--"How do you make that out?"

HE--"Why, I am the only child, therefore I am a _million heir_, of course."

* * * * *

Girls and billiard balls kiss each other with just about the same amount of real feeling.

* * * * *

MISTRESS--"I am not quite satisfied with your references."

APPLICANT--"Naythur am I, mum; but they's the best I could get!"

* * * * *

"What are you writing such a big hand for, Pat?" "Why, you see my grandmother is dafe, and I'm writing a loud letter to her."

* * * * *

"There was a terrible murder in the hotel to-day."

"Was there."

"Yes; a paper-hanger hung a border."

"It must have been a put-up job!"

* * * * *

As man and wife are one, the husband when seated with his wife, must be beside himself.

* * * * *

"Well, Pat, and how is that bull-pup of yours doing?"

"Oh, he's dead! The illigant baste wint an' swallowed a tape-measure!"

"Oh, I see! He died by inches, then?"

"No; begorra, he didn't! He wint round to the back of the house an' died by the yard!"

* * * * *

"You treat me," cried Mrs. Peck, "as though I was a monkey!"

"Oh, no!" responded H. Peck, "One can train monkeys."

* * * * *

"My lord," said the foreman of an Irish jury when giving in his verdict, "we find the man who stole the mare not guilty."

* * * * *

"Did the fisherman have frog's legs, Bridget?"

"Sure I couldn't see, mum; he had his pants on."

* * * * *

"A woman fell overboard from a ship yesterday and a shark came up and looked her over and went away."

"He never touched her?"

"No. He was a man-eating shark."

* * * * *

GROCERYMAN--"Pat, do you like apples?"

PAT--"Sure, sor, Oi wudn't ate an apple for the world."

"Why how is that?"

"Ough! didn't me ould mother die av apple plexy?"

* * * * *

"See here, sir," remonstrated the young gentleman, "I got up to give my seat to the lady, not to you."

"Ach, dat's all right. She's my vife," he responded placidly. And he kept the seat.

* * * * *

"My son," said the good old man, "if you only work hard enough when you undertake a thing, you're bound to be at the top when you've finished."

"But suppose I undertake to dig a well?"

* * * * *

"Did you have any trouble with black ants in Ireland, Bridget?"

"No, ma'am, but I had some trouble onc't with a white uncle."

* * * * *

"There's a young woman who makes little things count."

"How does she do it?"

"Teaches arithmetic in a primary school."

* * * * *

"It's thrue," said Paddy to Dennis one day, "it wor a grand soight. But whoile ye're standin' sit down, an' Oi'll tell ye all about it."

* * * * *

"What did you wear last night?" asked the celery. "A lovely mayonnaise," replied the lettuce. "And you?" "Never was so mortified in all my life; I wasn't dressed at all," said the celery; and the beet blushed.

* * * * *

A woman never fully understands the hardness of the world until she falls off a bicycle a few times.

* * * * *

MRS. FUSSY--"John you're the most unreasonable man I ever met in my life."

MR. FUSSY--"I don't doubt it. I'm the only one that ever married you."

* * * * *

Jonah's experience with the whale is proof that you can't keep a good man down.

* * * * *

"Since I've been married I don't get half enough to eat."

"Well, you must remember that we are one now."

* * * * *

"What man in the army wore the biggest hat?"

"The one with the biggest head, of course."

* * * * *

"Nothing can make a woman so superlatively happy as to have a baby of her own to kiss," exclaimed Mrs. McBride, rapturously, as she fondled her firstborn.

"My dear," replied her husband, pityingly, "you can never know the unutterable joy of being 'Next' in a crowded barber shop on Saturday night."

* * * * *

"Aren't you afraid, dear, you'll catch cold in the scanty bathing robe?" he asked.

"Oh, no," replied the dashing bride. "This is a very warm suit, hubby, dear."

* * * * *

MRS. BENHAM--Our new minister's name is Stone.

BENHAM--Well, there are sermons in stones.

* * * * *

ALGY--"Charming widow, isn't she? They say she is to marry again."

CHOLLY--"I wouldn't want to be a widow's second husband."

ALGY--"Well, I'd rather be a widow's second husband than her first, doncher-know."

* * * * *

A Boston, man upon learning that there were 4,000 Poles in New York, exclaimed: "What a place to raise beans."

* * * * *

* * * * *

FRED--"I had a fall last night which rendered me unconscious for several hours."

ED--"You don't mean it? Where did you fall?"

FRED--"I fell asleep."

* * * * *

"I say, old chap, how short your overcoat is!"

"Oh, that's all right! It'll be long enough before I can afford a new one."

* * * * *

PAT--"'Twas the divil of a blow the dago gave yer. Yer wuz near Kilt."

MIKE--"Begorra, I wish I had died that I moite see the villain hung."

* * * * *

JIM--"Why do you wear your stocking wrong side outward?"

PAT--"Because there's a hole on the other side."

* * * * *

"Held by the enemy"--the ulster which we are unable to redeem.

* * * * *

"How could you endure talking so long with that ugly old woman with that frightful costume without laughing in her face?" "Oh, that's easy. She is my wife."

* * * * *

TEACHER--When does suicide become a crime?

SMART BOY--When it becomes a confirmed habit.

"Nonsense, sir. Why is suicide a crime?"

"Because it injures the health."

* * * * *

The modern drummer is not much like the month of March. March is said to come in a lion and go out a lamb, while the drummer comes in a lyin' and goes out a lyin'.

* * * * *

How to signal a bark--pull a dog's tail.

* * * * *

"Say, pop, do people take snuff nowadays?"

"Sometimes, my son."

"Oh, then its all right?"

"What is all right?"

"Why, I heard mamma telling Aunt Amy that you wasn't up to snuff."

* * * * *

"I understand that Willoughby was half seas over at the Sneerwell dinner." "Oh, no. He was sailing into the port when I left."

* * * * *

BACON--What's that thread tied about your little finger for?

EGBERT--Oh, that's just to remind my wife to ask me if I forgot something she told me to remember.

* * * * *

HE--You saw some old ruins while in England, I presume? SHE--Yes, indeed! And one of them wanted to marry me.

* * * * *

CHOLLY--Ethel Knox told me last night I wasn't over half-witted. SUSIE--I shouldn't feel badly about that; she never did know anything about fractions.

* * * * *

MRS. SWELLERY--What is the matter with my husband, doctor?

PHYSICIAN--Appendicitis, madam.

MRS. S.--I am so glad. I was afraid he might have something unfashionable.

* * * * *

A man who drives away customers--the cabman.

* * * * *

CLEVERTON--Miss Cutler tells me she has been putting quinine on her face lately for her complexion.

DASHAWAY--I guess I'll go around there. I have a touch of malaria.

* * * * *

MAUD--How do you define love?

MARIE--Love is the life of illusion.

"And what is marriage?" "Oh, marriage is the death of them."

* * * * *

WEEKS--Well, how are things over in Boston? Have they named any new pie "Aristotle" yet?

WENTMAN--No-o. But I heard a man there ask for a Plato soup.

* * * * *

SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER--What is meant in the parable by a "house built upon a rock?"

SUNDAY SCHOOL SCHOLAR--A Harlem flat.

* * * * *

"I am quite surprised, Mr. Meeker, to account for your wife's knowledge of parliamentary law."

"Great Caesar! Hasn't she been speaker of the house for the last fifteen years?"

* * * * *

MR. GREATHEAD, the landlord, says he prefers as tenants experienced chess player, because it is so seldom they move.

* * * * *

"You have a bad cold," he said. "I have," she replied huskily. "I am so hoarse that if you attempted to kiss me I couldn't even scream."

* * * * *

A little burn makes a big smart sometimes. But even a big burn could not make some people smart.

* * * * *

"Don't talk to me about compulsory vaccination!" exclaimed the man who had his arm in a sling. "I'm sore on that subject."

* * * * *

There are many sweet, entrancing moments in this life, but when a man steps on your pet corn you do not experience one of them.

* * * * *

The impecunious young man who marries a girl with a substantial check attached may very properly be said to have been checkmated.

* * * * *

VISITOR--I suppose you have a great deal of poetry sent into you for publication?

EDITOR--No, not very much poetry as a rule; some of it is verse, and some of it is worse.

* * * * *

"What is your idea of happiness?"

"Nothing to do and lots of time to do it in."

* * * * *

--So Ethel is to marry that young Bob Halstey; why, he has been jilted by half a dozen girls.

--Case of being well shaken before taken, I suppose.

* * * * *

"I've been pondering over a very singular thing."

"What is it?"

"How putting a ring on a woman's third finger should place you under that woman's thumb."

* * * * *

They cannot be complete in aught
Who are not humorously prone;
A man without a merry thought
Can hardly have a funny bone.

* * * * *

TEACHER--Johnny, can you tell me what a section boss is?

JOHNNY--The conductor of a sleeping-car.

* * * * *

PERSONAL--"'A young woman, to whom black is particularly becoming, would like to meet a gentleman in poor health; object, widowhood.'"

* * * * *

"I am told lynching is a pastime in this section."

"Well, we do loop the loop occasionally."

* * * * *

"The house a lawyer once enjoy'd,
Now to a smith doth pass;
How naturally the _iron_ age
Succeeds the _age of brass_!"

* * * * *

TOMDICK--I'd like to find some girl willing to marry me.

ANDARRY--Ah! You want one ready maid.

* * * * *

TEACHER--Yes, dear; ova refers to an egg.

WILLY--Then when they throw bad eggs at an actor he gets a literal ovation, I s'pose.

* * * * *

IKEY--Fader, is "imbegunious" undt "inzolvent" der same?

FADER--Nodt at all! "Imbegunious" is ven a man has got no more money, undt "inzolvent" is ven his greditors has got about all der money dey are goin' to get.

* * * * *

SHE--"Are you fond of tea?"

HE--"Yes; but I like the next letter better."

* * * * *

It was the morning after, and he wanted a small favor.

"I admit that I am temporarily hard up," he said, "but that's because I can't realize."

"Can't realize on what?"

"On my thirst. If I could only sell that thirst for half what it cost me I'd be all right."

* * * * *

When the penniless lordling to get a rich wife
Of his own nationality fails,
He crosses the ocean with heart light and gay
And robs the United States males.

* * * * *

HUSBAND--My dear, how would you like a book for a present?

WIFE--Very much.

"Well, what sort of a book would you like--a book of poems, for instance?"