Chapter II: Part 2

"No; a bank-book."

* * * * *

"That sounds like the charity bawl," said the nurse, as the babies in the orphan asylum began to yell.

* * * * *

He went on a lark,
So his wife did remark,
And some angry words, too, did she mutter.
On a lark he went out,
Of that fact there's no doubt,
But he came in, alas! on a shutter.

* * * * *

CONDON--Have you been cured of that last attack of malaria?

DENBY--Oh, yes, Doctress Anna Curem knocked it silly. But her treatment left me with a worse disease than malaria ever was.

"You don't say so!"

"Yes, sir; I've got an incurable case of heart disease now."

* * * * *

For years she'd heard her husband sadly say:
"Can't we have pies like mother used to bake?"
At last she cried: "Of course we can, you Jay,
When you make dough that papa used to make."

* * * * *

YANKEE--"I say, Britisher, can you spell horse?"

ENGLISHMAN--"'Orse? Why, certainly. It honly takes a haitch and a ho and a har and a hess and a he to spell 'orse."

* * * * *

"What is the meaning of the saying that a man shall earn his bread in the sweat of his brow?" asked a boy in a New York school.

"Have you never observed a man working on a warm day?" asked the teacher.

"No, don't think I ever saw one."

"What does your father do on a right hot day?"

"He goes in bathing out at Coney Island."

"What is your father's business?"

"He is a walking delegate."

* * * * *

A tramp asked a farmer for something to eat
One day as he chanced there to stop,
The kind hearted farmer went out to the shed
And gave him an axe and feelingly said:
"Now just help yourself to a chop."

* * * * *

"Yes" said a landlord, sadly, whose tenant had made a moonlight "flitting," "appearances are deceitful; but disappearances are still more so."

* * * * *

Sailors are not fond of agricultural implements usually, but they always welcome the cry of "Land-hoe."

* * * * *

Some men divide their lives between trying to forget and trying to recover from the effects of trying to forget.

* * * * *

"Castles in the air are walled in by fancy," remarked the poet. "Faith, I'd prefer a _rale_ fence," said Pat.

* * * * *

A boy who is frequently chastised both by his mother and grandmother, speaks of them as "a spanking team."

* * * * *

A man aroused his wife from a sound sleep, the other night, saying that he had seen a ghost in the shape of a donkey.

"Oh! let me sleep," the irate dame rejoined, "and don't be frightened at your own shadow."

* * * * *

"What a fearful night I had when I drew this gun the first time!" said the bartender, as he showed a handsome silver-mounted Colt.

"When was it?" gasped the crowd.

"Night before last at the raffle in Kelley's!"

* * * * *

"Gee whizz!" said the boy who had been forced to take castor oil. "I do wish ma was a Christian Scientist!"

* * * * *

If you want to see a strong organization, look at the whisky dealers; if you want to see a weak one, look at the consumers.

* * * * *

With cards and dice, and dress and friends,
My savings are complete;
I light the candle at both ends,
And thus make both ends meet.

* * * * *

"There goes a man who leads in letters."

"Ah, indeed! What's his name?"

"A.A. Adams."

* * * * *

Lawyers practice at the bar, while bartenders and mosquitoes practice inside of it.

* * * * *

A squall on the sea is a stress of weather, and a squaller on land is a songstress.

* * * * *

Adversity is not without comfort--your enemy may be in harder luck than you.

* * * * *

When a man is short of money he finds most of his friends whom he meets short-sighted.

* * * * *

A beautiful lassie named Florence,
Once wept till her tears flowed in torence.
When asked why she cried,
She sighed, and replied,
"The Sheriff's been here with some worence."

* * * * *

In this glorious land of the free, you always have to pay for the drinks in order to get a whack at the free lunch.

* * * * *

GRACE--"Fred and Mabel are not on speaking terms any more."

BELLA--"Why, I thought they were engaged."

GRACE--"So they are. They just sit for hours and hold each other's hands."

* * * * *

"Do you believe in luck?"

"Sometimes. See that fat woman with the red hat over there?"

"Yes."

"Twenty years ago she refused to marry me."

* * * * *

"Haven't I told you before," he cried, "to sing out the names of stations clearly and distinctly? Bear in mind. Sing 'em out. Do you hear?"

"I will sir."

And when the next train came in the passengers were considerably astonished to hear Pat sing:

"Sweet Dreamland Faces
Passing to and fro,
Change here for Limerick,
Galway and Mayo."

* * * * *

"A butcher knows how to make both ends meet."

"Yes, if you give him the proper steer."

* * * * *

"That man has had five wives."

"Tandem or simultaneously?"

"I don't understand."

"Is he a Mormon or a Chicago man?"

* * * * *

HE--How does it happen that none of you women have come forward with a new currency plan?

SHE--Oh, we already have a perfect one. When we need currency we just sit down and cry for it.

* * * * *

A boil in the pot is worth two on the neck.

* * * * *

Letters from, a soldier of fortune--I.O.U.

* * * * *

"I'm very much surprised," quoth Harry,
"That Jane a gambler should marry."
"I'm not at all," her sister says,
"You know he has such _winning ways_!"

* * * * *

Whether tall men, or short men are best,
Or bold men, or modest and shy men,
I can't say, but this I protest,
All the fair are in favor of _Hy-men_.

* * * * *

An Irishman wandering up Fifth avenue saw in the window of a photographer's shop a large photograph of Mephisto. He went inside, and after gazing about the walls, said to the proprietor:

"I want to have a pichtur taken av meself an' me bruther. How much?"

The proprietor named the figure.

"All right," said Pat. "Will you take it now?"

"Where is your brother?" asked the photographer. "He's in Ireland," was the reply.

"Well my man," said the photographer, "we can't take his picture unless he is here."

"That's funny," said Pat. "Ye took a pichtur of the divil, an' he's down below."

* * * * *

"Did you shoot anything, Henrick?"

"Yes, a duck."

"What! a wild one?"

"No, but the farmer was wild."

* * * * *

HE--"The fact is, you women make fools of the men."

SHE--"Sometimes, perhaps; but sometimes we don't have to."

* * * * *

"What was the subject of your debate this evening?"

"Whisky."

"Was it well discussed?"

"Yes, most of the members were full of the subject."

* * * * *

THE DOCTOR--"You regard society as merely a machine, do you? What part of the machinery do you consider me, for instance?"

THE PROFESSOR--"You are one of the cranks."

* * * * *

"Do you think the elevator boy stole your watch?"

"Well, he swore up and down that he didn't."

* * * * *

SLOPAY--"And, doctor, if you will, I wish you would give me something to help my memory. I forget so easily."

DOCTOR--"Very well. I'll send you a bill every month."

* * * * *

If the devil lost its tail, where would he go to get another one?

To a liquor store where they retail spirits.

* * * * *

"What must a man be that he shall be buried with military honors?"

"He must be a captain."

"Then I lose the bet."

"What did you bet?"

"I bet he must be dead."

* * * * *

ACTOR FRIEND (inquiring at boarding house)--Has Mr. Comedy taken his departure yet?

"Yes," snapped the landlady, "but that's all he did take; I've got his wardrobe."

* * * * *

"We have German bands and French bands and American bands, but you never hear of an Irish band. You couldn't have one. Every man would want to be leader."

* * * * *

He dined, not wisely, but too well--
Hence all his ills;
And nothing now agrees with him,
Excepting pills.

* * * * *

TOMMY--Yes, cats can see in the dark, and so can Ethel; 'cause when Mr. Wright walked into the parlor when she was sitting all alone in the dark, I heard her say to him, "Why, Arthur, you didn't get shaved to-day."

* * * * *

"Too bad they can't train cats to understand baseball," remarked the fat man to his neighbor on the bleachers. "They'd make ideal umpires. One life for each inning."

* * * * *

"Oh, I am awfully worried. I walk in my sleep." "I only wish I could do it. If I could I'd still have my job on the police force."

* * * * *

He was a genial, smiling man
And fond of whisky plain,
But when he joined the temperance club,
He never smiled again.

* * * * *

She wants to be punctual, always on time,
So carries her watch where she goes.
And if you examine her wardrobe you'll find
She even has clocks on her hose.

* * * * *

MERCHANT (to his confidential clerk)--Here's a letter from Mr. Slowpay, but no money. What's the matter with him?

CLERK--Oh, he's all write.

"Who's all write?"

"Slowpay."

But they didn't cheer any, for there's no cheer in such writing.

* * * * *

"Only a silver watch," said the pawnbroker. "The last time I advanced you money on your watch it had a solid gold case."

"Yes," replied Hard-uppe, "but--er--circumstances alter cases, you know."

* * * * *

VISITOR--"Oh, what a nice parrot you've got! Pretty Polly! Polly want a cracker?"

PARROT--"Oh, come off! I'm not as green as I look."

* * * * *

"Dear," said the physician's wife, "when can you let me have ten dollars?"

"Well," replied the medical man. "I hope to cash a draft shortly."

"Cash a draft? What draft?"

"The one I saw old Jenkins sitting in this morning."

* * * * *

NEWLYWED-"What do bachelors know about women?"

OLDBACH-"Lots; otherwise they would not be bachelors."

* * * * *

"And did you never kiss a girl under the mistletoe?"

"Well, no; its pleasanter to kiss her under the nose."

* * * * *

WIFE-Will you see that my grave is kept green, my darling?

HUSBAND--No, my dear, but I will plant violets upon it.

"For what reason?"

"Because I do not wish any grave-robber to dig up your body."

"How will the planting of violets upon my grave prevent them from digging me up?"

"Your grave will be kept inviolate, of course."

* * * * *

HAUGHTY LADY--(who has purchased a stamp)-Must I put it on myself?

POST OFFICE ASSISTANT (very politely)--Not necessarily, ma'am; it will probably accomplish more if you put it on the letter.

* * * * *

My dentist has an eagle eye
And vicious tools he hacks with,
He's clever, but I've come to think
He'd make a better blacksmith.

* * * * *

"Well, I see Admiral Dewey's rank is reduced."

"What is he, a commodore?"

"No."

"A captain?"

"No."

"Well, what is he?"

"Mrs. Dewey's second mate."

* * * * *

"Well, have you anything to say?" asked the Judge.

The little man on the witness stand looked around the court-room rather fearfully.

"That depends," he answered at last "Is my wife in the room?"

* * * * *

"I hope they don't give my little boy any naughty nicknames in school?"

"Yes, ma, they call me 'Corns'."

"How dreadful! And why do they call you that?"

"Cause in our class, you know, I'm always at the foot."

* * * * *

"Every time I get on a ferry boat it makes me cross."

* * * * *

"How is Uncle Mose coming on?" asked Sam Johnsing of Jim Webster.

"He will be out in a few days."

"Is his rheumatism done gone?"

"Well, not perzackly. Dar's room for improvement yit."

"Yes, I've heerd some rheumers ter dat effec'."

* * * * *

--"When Mrs. Riley died she left $40,000 sewed up in her bustle."

--"Dear me! That's a lot of money to leave behind."

* * * * *

"John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion?"

"Yes, sir; attraction of gravitation pulls a drunken man down to the ground and the attraction of cohesion prevents his getting up again."

* * * * *

DOCTOR--You are fagged out; you must give up all headwork.

PATIENT--Why, that spells ruin! I'm a hair-dresser!

* * * * *

After a man has had occasion to employ a first-class lawyer it is useless to tell him that talk is cheap.

* * * * *

"My dear, what makes you always yawn?"
The wife exclaimed, her temper gone,
"Is home so dull and dreary?"
"Not so, my love," he said, "Not so;
But man and wife are _one_, you know;
And when _alone_ I'm weary!"

* * * * *

A man stole a harness the other day and never left a trace.

* * * * *

"Why does a donkey eat thistles?" asked a Texas teacher of one of the largest boys in the class.

"Because he is an ass, I reckon."

* * * * *

"Doing anything now, Bill?"

"Oh, yes, I'm kept busy all the time."

"Ah, glad to hear it. What are you doing?"

"Looking for a job."

* * * * *

"Jones caught the hay fever from dancing with a grass widow."

* * * * *

Of all the saws
That I ever saw saw,
I never saw a saw
Saw like this saw saws.

* * * * *

"I see villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner.

"May it please your honor," said the latter, "that is a personal reflection."

* * * * *

Don't pen missives to your best girl on postal cards. She may have suspicion that you do not care two cents for her.

* * * * *

"Can you give me a front room on the first floor?" asked a travelling man of the recently installed clerk.

"Can I give it to you?"

"Yes, that is what I remarked."

"That's queer," said the clerk, "you're the fourth man to-day who thought I owned this hotel."

* * * * *

"I know a man who says he can't sit down and he can't stand up."

"Well, if he tells the truth, he lies."

* * * * *

Mirrors reflect without speaking and women often speak without reflecting.

* * * * *

A mechanic his labor will often discard,
If the rate of his pay he dislikes:
But a clock-and its case is uncommonly hard--
Will continue to work though it _strikes_!

* * * * *

"I don't think my religion will be any obstacle to your church," he urged; "I am a spiritualist."

"I am afraid it will," she replied "Pa is a prohibitionist, you know."

* * * * *

"One day in the dining-car, the boy across the aisle got to laughing so, he couldn't stop. I said to his mother, 'that boy needs a spanking.' She said, 'well, I don't believe in spanking a boy on a full stomach.' I said, 'neither do I. Turn him over-'"

* * * * *

The tramp should never complain of hunger when he can always enjoy a little loaf.

* * * * *

"My face is my fortune, sir," she said,
But her suitor saw right through her;
She meant she could not cash a check,
Unless the banker knew her.

* * * * *

"I understand that Judge Brown is breaking up housekeeping."

"That can't be. He's very busy these days deciding divorce cases."

"Well, isn't that what I said?"

* * * * *

"That was a pretty good dog story, wasn't it?" asked Dinwiddie, as he finished telling one.

"Yes," replied Gaswell; "but it was too long. It ought to have been curtailed."

* * * * *

Casey bet on a horse which finished last. He went down to the paddock, called out the jockey who had ridden him and said: "In hivin's name, young man, phwat delayed you?"

* * * * *

"And you really think that a miss is as good as a mile?"

"Yaas, and a good deal better, for one can kiss a miss, when one couldn't kiss a mile, don'cher know?"

* * * * *

FRIEND--Do you permit your wife to have her own way?

HUSBAND (positively)--No, sir. She has it without my permission.

* * * * *

"I'm not surprised that hair-dressers feel so much at ease in the society of the great."

"You're not?"

"No; they are surrounded at home by any number of big-wigs."

* * * * *

She--They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, I believe.

He--Yes; and when a man goes into a drug store and shuts a window quickly, the clerk knows just about what the poor soul wants.

* * * * *

BOY (with new gun)--"Pa, has a cat got nine lives?"

PAPA (donor of gun)--"Yes, so we are told. Why do you ask?"

BOY--"Well, then, Mr. Brown's tabby's got eight coming to her."

* * * * *

"What became of that girl you made love to in the hammock?"

"We fell out."

* * * * *

"Did you hear the story about the peacock?"

"No."

"It's a beautiful tale."

* * * * *

"Boss, hab you got any ob dem confound cavortic pills?"

"Yes. Do you want them plain or coated?"

"Dunno. I want dem ones what's whitewashed."

* * * * *

"Why is a kiss like the three graces?"

"Its faith to a girl; hope to a young woman and charity to an old maid."

* * * * *

"Things are wrong," remarked the observer of events and things, "when a reputable physician has to pay money for a certificate to practice, and a fourteen-year-old girl with a new piano doesn't."

* * * * *

"In choosing a wife," said the scanty-haired philosopher, "one should never judge by appearances."

"That's right," rejoined the very young man. "The homeliest girls usually have the most money."

* * * * *

"Say, did you ever feel as if you wanted to 'hit the pipe?'"

"No, but I've often felt as if I wanted to hit the man who was smoking it."

* * * * *

"It was this a-way, jedge: Ye see, I doled de cards, and Jim Brown he had a pah of aces and a pah of kings."

"What did you have?"

"Three aces, jedge, and----"

"What did Jim do?"

"Jim, he drew."

"What did he draw?"

"He drew a razzer, jedge."

* * * * *

"Have you received last month's gas bill, dear?"

"Yes, husband."

"Well, what's the charge of the light brigade?"

* * * * *

"You are absolutely certain about your statement?" asked the lawyer.

"Absolutely certain," assented the witness.

"You swear that this is true?"

"I do."

"Would you bet on it?"

"Er--well--yes, if I got the right odds."

* * * * *

"Where did you get that hair on your coat?"

"From the head of the bed."

* * * * *

MR. B.--"You won't want that new novel now that you have the new baby, will you?"

MRS. B.--"Yes, I want them both. To have and to hold."

* * * * *

SHE--"You say your automobile has been acting strangely all day?"

HE--"Yes; it has stopped I don't know how many times."

SHE--"And what are you putting the oil on it for?"

HE--"To stop it stopping."

* * * * *

"Massachusetts is noted for boots and shoes."

"Yes and Kentucky is noted for shoots and booze."

* * * * *

"Only the highest element in local society was invited to the ball."

"Oh, I see! It was a high-ball."

* * * * *

SHE--"A writer says that in order to succeed a man must be ninety-five per cent. backbone."

HE--"Oh, I don't know. A good many who have managed to arrive are ninety-five per cent. cheek."

* * * * *

SILLICUS--Do you think we shall know each other in the hereafter?

CYNICUS--I hope so. Few of us really know each other here.

* * * * *

Some fellows marry poor girls to settle down and others marry rich ones to settle up.

* * * * *

Some people who jump at conclusions lose sight of the hurdles.

* * * * *

"It's a dridful bother to me that I have to be sewing buttons on me own clothes. If I was only a married man I'd ask me woife niver to allow our son to grow up an ould batchler like his fayther."

* * * * *

SHE--You can't eat cake and keep it.

HE--Oh, yes, you can--the kind you make.

* * * * *

Says his lordship to Thomas, "Your rent I must raise,
I'm so plaguily pinch'd for the pelf."
"Raise my rent!" replies Thomas; "your honor's main good.
For I never can _raise it_ myself."

* * * * *

SCENE--Cabstand. Lady distributing tracts, hands one to cabby, who glances at it, hands it back and says politely, "Thank you, lady, but I'm a married man." Lady nervously looks at the title, and reading, "Abide with me," hurriedly departs, to the great amusement of cabby.

* * * * *

SENTIMENTAL WIFE--Last night I dreamt that I was in heaven.

GRUFF HUSBAND--You did, eh? Why the deuce didn't you stay there?

* * * * *

He said to her: "You're just a bird!"
"Then, Johnnie, dear," said she,
"If all is true that I have heard,
A bottle goes with me."

* * * * *

A Frankfort man has written a farce comedy called "Vaccine." It ought to take.

* * * * *

As the umpire shouted "Three balls!" the batsman started guiltily.

"This isn't the first time I've raised something on a diamond," he muttered, as he hit the next one and knocked a pop-fly to the pitcher.

* * * * *

HUSBAND--"Where's your mistress? She said she'd be ready in a minute, and I've waited half an hour."

MAID--"She'll be down in a second, sir. She's changing her complexion to match her new gown."

* * * * *

"Ah! I'm saddest when I sing,"
She sang in plaintive key;
And all the neighbors yelled,
"So are we! so are we."

* * * * *

"Pa, what does Sioux Falls, S.D., mean?"

"Eh? Sioux Falls is the name of a town."

"And what's S.D.?"

"Swift divorce, of course."

* * * * *

A watch's fate is hard indeed,
For when it's not in soak
It's set back if it gets ahead
And scorned whene'er it's broke.

* * * * *

After wedding a rich heiress, Price
Said, "Gambling's a terrible vice,
But one thing I know,
This matching for dough
Is a thing that's exceedingly nice."

* * * * *

Firemen, as well as other people, like to talk of their flames.

* * * * *

The speaker of the house is in deadly peril when every member on the floor wants to get his eye.

* * * * *

I asked a young lady living on her pa's farm what they did with all their fruit? Says she: "We eat all we can and can all we can't."

* * * * *

REGULAR CALLER--"I'd like to see your father, Tommy, if he isn't engaged."

TOMMY--"He is; but what is the matter with Clara? She isn't engaged."

* * * * *

"What is a swell affair, Jim?"

"Swell affair! lemme see. Ah! yes, I know--a boil."

"Something else, try again."

"No, give it up."

"A hill, ye know. Don't ye see, a hill is a swell affair, and besides all hills have got crests."

* * * * *

"There's a great art," says Mickey Dolan, "in knowing what not to know whin yez don't want to know it."

* * * * *

"And so Prof. Greene has at last discovered the missing link! Where did he find it?"

"Under the bureau, I understand."

* * * * *

"Young ladies who feel anxious to preserve the most symmetrical anatomical proportions, should never be in a hurry. They should remember that 'haste' makes waist."

* * * * *

"Anything new in your neighborhood?" we asked a farmer.

"Yes, the whole neighborhood is stirred up," he replied.

"What is the cause?" we asked eagerly.

"Ploughing."

* * * * *

"I don't give a rap," said the coachman, haughtily, as he rang the electric bell.

* * * * *

A farmer once called his cow "Zephyr,"
She seemed such an amiable hephyr.
When the farmer drew near,
She kicked off his ear,
And now the old farmer's much dephyr.

* * * * *

"Are you engaged?" inquired the lady of Bridget at the intelligence office. "No, mum, but I have regular company for four nights o' the week."

* * * * *

How to gain flesh--buy out a butcher shop.

* * * * *

IDA--"Yes, dear, this is one of those 'perfume' concerts the same as they have in New York."

MAY--"Perfume? Why I smell gasoline."

IDA--"Well, you see, they are playing the 'Automobile March' now."

* * * * *

When the curtain at the theater takes a drop the majority of the males in the audience go out to follow suit.

* * * * *

"There's one peculiar feature about the trust business."

"What?"

"Those interested in it don't need it."

"Don't need what?"

"Trust. They can pay cash."

* * * * *

A woman's shoe that is "a mile too big," is never a foot in length.

* * * * *

Full many a coat tail that is long and wide
Does from the public gaze two monstrous patches hide.

* * * * *

The glazier is not necessarily a tiresome man because he "gives you a pane."

* * * * *

"Some men are easily satisfied," remarked the Observer of Events and Things. "There is the clock-maker, for instance, he never gets any extra pay, and yet every day he works overtime."

* * * * *

A poacher, surprised at his work and pursued in his escape by a vengefully thrown axe, remarked, as he vaulted a fence: "I have no fault to find with your remarks, but I object to the axe-sent."

* * * * *

Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my letters and I am still the same. What am I? The postman.

* * * * *

"You have been losing flesh lately, haven't you?" "Yes, I've been shaving myself."

* * * * *

An emblem of tenuity
We witness every day;
Behold the corset-and you'll see
The whale-bone comes to STAY.

* * * * *

HE--Did you ever see anything at so-called bargain sales that was really cheap?

SHE--Yes; the look on the man's face who accompanied his wife to one of them.

* * * * *

TEACHER OF DRAWING CLASS--"Willie, tell me how you would make a maltese cross."

WILLIE--"Step on his tail, mum."

* * * * *

GUEST--"Look here, waiter, do you call this a spring chicken? By the lord Harry, it is as tough as a mother-in-law's tongue."

WAITER--"Yes, sir, I suppose it was hatched from a hardboiled egg!"

* * * * *

"About the only time my tailor gives his customers regular fit," said Buttons, "is when they neglect to pay their bills."

* * * * *

A man with the heart disease is about the only chap who desires a "regular beat" for a bosom friend.

* * * * *

The landlord came to Mrs. O'Hooligan on the first day of May last, and said: "See here, my foine loidy, I am going to raise your rent." "Oh thanks be to the Lord," said Mrs. O'Hooligan, "I'm so glad that you intend to raise it for me as Dan aint' working and I'm nather able nor willing to raise it myself."

* * * * *

HE--The bride looks radiant, as brides usually do.

SHE--Yes, but the bridegroom appears rather run down.

HE--Run down eh? That's just it; caught after a long chase.

* * * * *

SHE--You look as though you had raised Ned at your club last night.

HE--I did; and, what is worse, he raised me back.

* * * * *

FRANKLIN--"Do you know, I started in life as a barefooted boy?"

HARDY--"Well, I'll tell you I wasn't born with shoes on."

* * * * *

Before marriage, women wants tenderness. In a little while she is satisfied with legal tender.

* * * * *

PAT--Who is being lowered into a well; "Sthop, will ye, Murphy? Oi want to coom up again."

MURPHY--Still letting him down, "Phat for?"

PAT--"Oi'll Show ye. Af ye don't sthop lettin' me doon, Oi'll cut the rope."

* * * * *

It is a Maine husband who has dubbed his wife "Crystal," because she is always "on the watch."

* * * * *

"So Maude is happily married?"

"Happily? I should say she is! Why she married a somnambulist, who gets up in his sleep every morning and builds the fire."

* * * * *

Two Hebrews went to a Mills Hotel and were obliged to take a bath before retiring.

Upon beholding each other, one shouted in surprise, "Oh, Abey, how dirty you are!"

"Vell, what you tink?" said Abey, "I'm three years older dan you."

* * * * *

A teacher in a high school asked a little wad of an Irish boy to describe a lake. "Sure and it is hole in the kettle."

* * * * *

The first kiss only comes once in a lifetime.

The trouble with the fellow who loses his temper is that he always finds it again.

The man who plays the bass drum should have no difficulty in beating his way.

An amateur performance for charity demonstrates that charity uncovers a multitude of sins.

It takes a musical crank to play a hand organ.

It is possible to square yourself without resorting to cube root.

While some people mount upward to the pinnacle of fame, others reach the height of folly.

A faint heart may never win a fair lady, but five of them have won many a jackpot.

* * * * *

The portrait tumbled from the wall
And hit the young man's head.
"A striking likeness!" That was all
The rueful punster said.

* * * * *

The fact that a man has not cut his hair for ten or twelve years need not necessarily imply that he is eccentric. He may be bald.

* * * * *

When a couple are about to elope the young man asks, "Does your mother know your route?"

* * * * *

"I will not sit that way!" angrily screamed the obstinate lady in the photographer's gallery. "I can't, and I won't; so there!"

"Madame," said the photographer, "it will be impossible for me to make a good negative of you unless you quit being so positive."

* * * * *

An Irishman in order to celebrate the advent of a new era, went out on a lark. He didn't get home, till 3 o'clock in the morning, and was barely in the house before a nurse rushed up and, uncovering a bunch of soft goods, showed him triplets. The Irishman looked up at the clock which said 3, then at the three of a kind in the nurse's arms, and said: "O'im not superstitious, but thank Hivins thot Oi didn't come home at twilve!"

* * * * *

"Good gracious," said the hen when she discovered a porcelain egg on the nest. "I shall be a bricklayer next."

* * * * *

"Are you intimate with any of the nobility?" asked Chippy. "Well, rather!" replied Clubdoodle. "I got a queen full last night, and had a high old time with four kings."

* * * * *

Electricity is a great educator. Think what it has done to make men see things in a new light.

* * * * *

"Will the coming man use both arms?" asks a scientist. "Yes, if he can trust the girl to handle the reins."

* * * * *

"I hear Smith, the sea captain, is in hard luck. He married a girl and she ran away from him."

"Yes, he took her for a mate, but she was a skipper."

* * * * *

Another great discovery of diamonds in Kentucky! A man got five of them on the first deal.

* * * * *

"What makes so much froth in a glass of beer, pa?"

"The barkeep, my son."

* * * * *

MOSES SCHAUMBURG (to his son Jackey)--"How many are twice two, Jackey?"

JACKEY-"Tervice two ish six."

"You are wrong, Jackey. Six vas too mooch."

"Don't I know dot, fadder, already some times ago. But I shoot said six so dot you could Chew me down."

* * * * *

'Tis now the wily urchin mocks
The lynx-eyed cop along the docks,
And plunges in the cooling tide,
Arrayed in naught else but his hide.

* * * * *

Everybody knows a woman is hard to please. She likes the matrimonial harness, but doesn't like to be hitched up with a man who is strapped.

* * * * *

"I wonder why blondes are always anxious to be wedded?"

"I guess it is because they're naturally light-headed."

* * * * *

Each evening a good-looking Mr.
Comes around for a visit to my Sr.;
One night on the stairs,
He, all unawares,
Put his arm round her figure and Kr.

* * * * *

"Do you know the nature of an oath, ma'am?" inquired the judge. "Well, I reckon I orter," was the reply. "My husband drives a canal boat."

* * * * *

BROWN--"Young Dudel's body has been recovered." "Why, I didn't know he had been drowned." "He hasn't. He merely bought a new suit of clothes."

* * * * *

"Yes, I have seen the day when Mr. Hart the millionaire, did not have a pair of shoes to cover his feet."

"And when was that, pray?"

"At the time he was bathing."

* * * * *

"Widowhood makes a woman unselfish." "Why so?" "Because she ceases to look out for Number One and begins to look out for Number Two."

* * * * *

The judge asked an Irish policeman named O'Connell, "When did you last see your sister?" The policeman replied: "The last time I saw her, Judge, was about eight months ago, when she called at my home, and I was out." "Then you did not see her on that occasion?" "No, Judge; I wasn't there."

* * * * *

If Broomstick, as rumored, is in a woman's hands, he may be booked to beat the favorite.

Torchlight and Igniter, coupled should prove a red hot combination, but with Extinguisher in the race might not bring in any money to burn.

Animosity evidently has it in for some of the others.

Surmise ought to keep a lot of them guessing.

* * * * *

BROWN--What kind of a cigar is that, old man?

JONES--It's called "The Soldier Boy."

BROWN--H'm, I notice it belongs to the ranks.

* * * * *

"Can I sell you a nice cheap trunk to-day?" asked a dealer.

"And what the dickens do Oi be after wantin' a thrunk?"

"To put your clothes in, of course!"

"And go naked? Not a bit iv it!"

* * * * *

We are told that "Gen. Sherman was always coolest when on the point of attack." Most people are hottest when on the point of a tack.

* * * * *

"I wish the hot weather would come along," sighed the thermometer. "People are beginning to look upon me as a thing of low degree."

* * * * *

"I wouldn't stand for that if I were you. Why don't you call him a liar?"

"That's just what I'll do. Where, where is your telephone?"

* * * * *

"This," murmured the demure maiden, when her lover nudged up still closer on the sofa, "is the closest call I've ever had."

* * * * *

The rapidity of ocean transport is becoming truly marvelous. A sea captain boasts that he finished loading a cargo of wheat at San Francisco by dinner time, and then went to China for tea.

* * * * *

"You are making yourself rather officious in this crowd," said a burly policeman to a notorious pickpocket. "I am only trying to dis-purse them," said the thief.

* * * * *

The slats of the shutter of our office-window are in a dilapidated condition. "Please help the blind."

* * * * *

"Did you ever catch your husband flirting?"

"Yes; that's the very way I did catch him."

* * * * *

A deaf and dumb mute recently went into a bicycle shop and picked up a hub and spoke.

* * * * *

The girl who marries a title very frequently turns her fortune to a count.

* * * * *

There appears to be no affinity between the prestidigitator and the theatrical manager, yet they both make passes.

* * * * *

We don't always know just how the "other half" lives; but, in Chicago, the "better half" lives on her alimony.

* * * * *

"What did de lady do when yer asked her for an old collar?"

"She gave me a turndown."

* * * * *

"Are any of the colors discernible to the touch?" asked the school teacher.

"I have often felt blue," replied the boy at the head of the class.

* * * * *

"What is there about betting on horse-races that is so bad for the health?" said young Mrs. Brown.

"I never heard of anything," answered the visitor.

"Didn't you? Every time Charley makes a bet he comes home and says there is something wrong with his system."

* * * * *

"Jackson never lights one of his cigars. Just keeps it in his mouth and chews the end. I've often wondered why."

"You wouldn't if you had ever smoked one of them."

* * * * *

Jones the dentist, ought to make a good poker player.

Why?

He draws and fills so well.

* * * * *

Customer (to the coal dealer): "Have you got any name for those scales of yours?"

"I never heard of scales having a name."

"Well, you ought to call your scales Ambush. You see, they are always lying in weight."

* * * * *

FIRST SENIOR--Heard about Exsheff? He went down into South Africa, and he's come home a regular repository of Zulu spearheads and Boer bullets.

SECOND SENIOR--I always said he had good metal in him.

* * * * *

"What makes your sister so stout now, she used to be very thin?"

"She's working down in a photographer's."

"Why, how does that make any difference?"

"Well, she's in the developing room most of the time."

* * * * *

JACK--"Are you a suitor for Miss Juliet's hand?"

TOM--"Yes; but I didn't."

"Didn't what?"

"Suit her."

* * * * *

"What's the matter with Smith?"

"Why?"

"He goes along as abstractedly as though he were drunk and were seeing double."

"He is. They have twins at his home."

* * * * *

Business men who marry their typewriter girls are apt to find that the young women are not so ready to submit to dictation after the wedding.

* * * * *

The first impulse of the young married man, on being presented with his first baby, is to give it a-weigh.

* * * * *

MRS. B.--Have you seen the new dance called "The Automobile?"

MR. B.--No; sort of breakdown, I suppose?

* * * * *

A young lady in Philadelphia is said to have had five lovers, all named Samuel. Her photograph album must be a book of Sams.

* * * * *

"You should sleep on your right side, madam."

"I really can't do it, doctor; my husband talks in his sleep, and I can't hear a thing with my left ear."

* * * * *

There is a Presbyterian in Jersey City so openly opposed to baptism by immersion that he refuses to carry a Waterbury watch.

* * * * *

The following is a resolution of an Irish corporation: "That a new jail should be built, that this be done out of the material of the old one, and the old jail to be used until the new one be completed."

* * * * *

City Niece--"The windows in our new church are stained."

Country Aunt--"Ain't that a pity. Can't they get nothing to take it off?"

* * * * *

Broker--"Don't you find it easier to shave some men than others?"

Barber--"Yes; don't you?"

* * * * *

"Say Dad, what is an expert accountant?"

"An expert accountant," replied the father, "is a man who becomes famous by robbing a bank for two years before he is discovered."

* * * * *

Some men get up with the lark, while others want a swallow the first thing in the morning.

* * * * *

HE--Time and tide wait for no man.

SHE--No, but a woman will.

* * * * *

Sing not to me of falling dew
Upon the purple hills,
For I am worried far too much
By falling due of bills.

* * * * *

"You say his wife's a brunette? I thought he married a blonde."

"He did, but she dyed."

* * * * *

"Miss Prim is a very proper young lady."

"Yes; she wouldn't even accompany a young man on the piano without a chaperon."

* * * * *

"He's quite a star as an after dinner speaker, isn't he?"

"Star? He's a regular moon. He becomes brighter the fuller he gets."

* * * * *

DICK--"Do you think you'll have much trouble in popping the question?"

TOM--"No, I think I'll have more trouble in questioning the pop."

* * * * *

What do you think of Windig?

He reminds me of a river.

What's the answer?

The biggest part of him is his mouth.

* * * * *

Here is a chestnut your ire arouses,
So often it's brought to your minds,
"People who live in glass houses"
Should always "pull down the blinds."

* * * * *

"Yes, the team is quite a good one, Mr. Horsley," he said as he returned the livery man's brag team, "but it has two drawbacks." "Oh, indeed; and may I inquire what they are?" "The lines."

* * * * *

The old lady who sent as presents to a newly-married couple a rolling-pin, a pain of flat-irons and a motto inscribed "Fight On," must have a grudge against them.

* * * * *

A man who had not the best reputation for strict veracity died the other day, and the family was greatly incensed because some well-meaning friends sent in a broken lyre as a floral tribute.

* * * * *

"It's been a coal day when you're left," said the kindling-wood to the cinder. "You're too chip-per," replied the cinder to the kindling wood. "Go to blazes," said the match, as it dropped in and fired both up.

* * * * *

"That young gentleman has a very taking manner," said one young lady to another at a party, of a young man who had just left them.

"Yes," was the reply, "that's his business."

"His business? What is he?"

"A photographer."

* * * * *

KID--Did the dogs ever bite you?

GENT--What dogs?

KID--The dogs you ran after. Pa was telling Ma that you used to chase the growler when he first knew you.

* * * * *

GUARD--I suppose when you were in the army you often saw a picket fence?

G.A.R.--Yes, but is was a more common sight to see a sentry box.

* * * * *

A simple old farmer, McVeagh,
Whom every one said was a jeagh,
Fell in with a man
On the confidence plan,
And now he is back making heagh.

* * * * *

"Why, the bare idea!"

"Of what, dear?"

"Telling the naked truth!"

* * * * *

BESS--May wears the worst clothes when she is riding horseback. Look at her now!

FRED--That certainly is one of her bad habits.

* * * * *

"That," said the loaf, pointing to the oven, "is where I was bred."

* * * * *

FIRST FLY--Did it ever occur to you the baldheaded men have a keener sense of humor than others?

SECOND FLY--Well, I have noticed that they seem to be easily tickled.

* * * * *

The rubber plant was rubb'ring round
In a manner most absurd:
The long green corn prickled up her ears
And this is what she heard:

"Wot's tomato wid you, you beat?"
Asked the onion of the hash,
"I'm jealous of the potato,
Because he's got a mash.

"He is stuck on the honeycomb,
And suits her to a tea,
I used to be in love myself,
But the cream has soured on me."

* * * * *

"Why do you call your dog hardware?"

"Because when I go to whip him he makes a bolt for the door."

* * * * *

HUSBAND--That ice box of ours reminds me of a good pinochle player.

WIFE--Why?

HUSBAND--Because it is a great melter.

* * * * *

HE: Do you know, dear, you remind me of Huyler's candy.

SHE: Why? Because I am "so sweet?"

HE: No! "Fresh every hour."

* * * * *

LANDLADY (proudly)--Nothing goes to waste in this house. I make hash out of everything that's left over.

BOARDER--(musingly)--But what do you do with the hash that's left over?

LANDLADY--Re-hash it!

* * * * *

"If," said the druggist, "you will give this new tonic a trial I'm sure you will never use any other."

"Excuse me," rejoined the customer, "but I prefer something less fatal."

* * * * *

"Do you know, George, Papa thinks you are a literary man."

"Where did he get that idea?"

"I don't know, but he said you looked just like a bookmaker."

* * * * *

STUDENT--Professor, which is the logical way of reaching a conclusion?

PROFESSOR--Take a train of thought, my boy.

* * * * *

SMITH--They say that after a time the engineer of a limited flyer loses his nerve.

JONES--The engineer, perhaps, but not the Pullman porter!

* * * * *

"What do you mean by referring to Miss Elderly as a pall-bearer?"

"She sits around all day long with a green parrot on her shoulder. I don't like such Poll-bearers."

* * * * *

COURTNEY--When you proposed to Miss Dexter did you get down on your knees?

BARCLAY--No, I couldn't; she was sitting on them.

* * * * *

KICKSY--Wife, can you tell me why I am like a hen?

MRS. KICKSY--No, dear, why is it?

KICKSY--Because I can seldom find anything where I laid it yesterday.

* * * * *

"Did you ever hear about the two holes in our back-yard?"

"Well! Well!"

* * * * *

"Old Jones was killed last night by a dew-drop."

"Must have been a very heavy one."

"About four hundred tons."

"Horrible!"

"You see he was standing under the trestle, and a freight train ran off the track and dropped on him."

"But how about the dew?"

"Why, the train was due!"

* * * * *

FIRST DOCTOR--Well, doctor, I had a peculiar case to-day.

SECOND DOCTOR--What was it, please?

FIRST DOCTOR--I attended a grass widow who is afflicted with hay fever.

* * * * *

FRED--Did you hear of The Western Furniture Co. advertising for models.

DICK--What for?

FRED--To try on Parlor suits.

* * * * *

"Yes, there is one part of the dough-nut that wouldn't give you dyspepsia."

"And what part is that?"

"The hole in the middle!"

* * * * *

FANNIE--Why do people always apply the name of "she" to a city?

GEORGE--I don't know. Why is it?

FANNIE--Because every city has outskirts.

* * * * *

"And you really believe that Friday is an unlucky day?"

"I know it is."

"Washington was born on Friday, and so was Napoleon and Tennyson and Gladstone."

"Yes, and every mother's son of them is dead!"

* * * * *

"Are you an amateur photographer?"

"No. Why do you ask?"

"Oh, I heard that you got Miss Rox's negative last night."

* * * * *

Pat and Mike each wanted to be first up on St. Patrick's Day.

PAT--"If I'm up first I'll make a chalk mark on the door."

MIKE--"And if I get up first I'll rub it out!"

* * * * *

SIBLY--When Steve proposed to me he acted like a fish out of water.

TIRPIE--Why shouldn't he? He knew he was caught.

* * * * *

SHE--Why do they call it an arm of the sea?

HE--Because it hugs the shore, I guess.

* * * * *

The sunshine warm and budding trees,
Made Johnny feel quite gay.
He went to swim--the obsequies
Are being held to-day.

* * * * *

"What's the matter, John? You look kind o' weather-beaten this morning."

"That's exactly what I am. I bet five dollars it would rain yesterday, and it didn't!"

* * * * *

"Can you swim, little boy?"

"Yes, sir."

"Where did you learn?"

"In the water, sir."

* * * * *

MILLIE--"I wonder what the holes in a porous plaster are for?"

WILLIE--"Why, they're for the pain to come out through, of course!"

* * * * *

"It's a good idea to make light of your troubles." "I do," replied Happigo; "whenever a creditor sends me a letter I burn it."

* * * * *

"What have you got to say for yourself?" "Jes dis, suh; I wants a liar to defend me." "You mean a lawyer?" "Yes, suh; I knowed I most had it!"

* * * * *

"So her second husband is a tenor?"

"Yes; she says her first was a bass deceiver!"

* * * * *

"I cannot play second fiddle to any one."

"Then be my beau!"

* * * * *

JIMSON--Now, you wouldn't marry me, would you?

MISS SEARS--Most certainly not; but why do you ask such a question?

JIMSON--Just to decide a bet.

* * * * *

CLARA--"He gave me an army-and-navy kiss."

MAUD--"What kind is that?"

CLARA--"Oh, rapid fire--sixty a minute!"

* * * * *

"Young man, don't you know you ought to lay something by for a rainy day?" "I do; my rubbers."

* * * * *

THE ONLY REMEDY--"Mamma, I dess you'll have to turn the hose on me."

"Why, dear?"

"'Tause I'se dot my 'tocking on wrong side out."

* * * * *

HE--"I saw you out driving yesterday with a gentleman. He appeared to have only one arm; is that all he has?"

SHE--"Oh, no; the other arm was around somewhere."

* * * * *

"Why are pugilists like chickens?"

"Because they live on 'scraps!'"

* * * * *

MAY--I wonder what the men do at the club?

PAMELA--From what Jack says I guess they play with the kitty most of the time.

* * * * *

SWATTER--I see you are mentioned in one of the books just published.

PRIMLY--Indeed! What book?

SWATTER--The directory.

* * * * *