Chapter I: Front Matter

THE

Orpheus C. Kerr Papers

Are now comprised in three volumes, uniformly bound, price $1.50, each sold separately, entitled:

_FIRST SERIES_,
_SECOND SERIES_,
_THIRD SERIES_,

To say that these criticisms of Orpheus C. Kerr are universally known, admired, and laughed at, would be superfluous. Their inimitable wit and sarcasm have made the author famous, and since his letters have been published in book form their circulation has been enormous Copies will be sent by mail _free_, on receipt of price, $1.50

by

CARLETON, Publisher, New York.

THE

ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.

THIRD SERIES.

Even M. Louvois, the prime-minister, taxed Sulli with his impudence, which, he said, by no means became a man who had no other recommendation but that of making people laugh. "Why, what the d--l!" cried Sulli; "you would do as much, if you were able!" ... and Sulli got the appointment.

MEMOIRS OF THE OPERA.

NEW YORK: _Carleton, Publisher, 413 Broadway._ MDCCCLXV.

Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by

GEO. W. CARLETON,

In the Clerk's Office of the District Court for the Southern District of New York.

Cambridge Press. DAKIN AND METCALF.

CONTENTS.

PAGE

LETTER LXXX.

Reporting our Uncle Abe's latest little Tale. Our Correspondent's Historical Chaunt. The Boston Novel of "Mr. Smith". And a Funeral Discourse by the devout Chaplain of the Mackerel Brigade. 7

LETTER LXXXI.

Showing how a Minion of Tyranny was terribly punished for interfering with the conservative Women of America. And describing the Kentucky Chap's remarkable Skirmish with his Thanksgiving Dinner. 25

LETTER LXXXII.

Noting the utter Destruction, by an inebriated Journalist, of the Venerable Gammon's benignant Speech. Introducing the new General of the Mackerel Brigade. And describing a curious Phenomenon on Duck Lake. 34

LETTER LXXXIII.

Referring to Washington City and the President's Message, and giving the Southern Confederacy's very reasonable Peace Proposition. 43

LETTER LXXXIV.

Proving that Russia is indeed our Friend. Instancing the terrific Bombardment of Paris. And telling how the new General of the Mackerel Brigade delighted all with his surprising "Shape". 51

LETTER LXXXV.

Holding the Government strictly accountable for the Occurrence of a recent "Military Necessity". Recounting the affecting Episode of the Mackerel Drummer-Boy. And depicting the new Mackerel General's first great Battle. 57

LETTER LXXXVI.

Touching upon a late Ovation to a Parent of his Country. Giving the Conservative Kentucky Map of all America. And introducing a second new General of the Mackerel Organization. 66

LETTER LXXXVII.

In which our Correspondent has a deadly Affair of Honor with a Gentleman from Kentucky. Experiences "Contraband" Hospitality and Melody. Attends a great Meeting in Accomac. And witnesses a prodigious Naval Achievement. 73

LETTER LXXXVIII.

Concerning Intellectual Giants and Pins. With a few Words as to certain Dramatic Street-Scenes supposed to be of daily Occurrence. An affecting Western Poem. And a brief Glimpse of an ordinary Cavalry Dash. 88

LETTER LXXXIX.

Showing how the great City of Rome has been ruined by the War. Citing a notable Instance of Contempt of Court. Describing Rear Admiral Head's wonderful Improvement in Swivel Guns. And proving that all is now Ready for the Reduction of Fort Piano. 101

LETTER XC.

Giving a deep Insight of Woman's Nature. Presenting a powerful Poem of the Heart by one of the Intellectual Females of America. And reporting the signal Discomfiture of Mr. P. Greene. 111

LETTER XCI.

Containing the Venerable Gammon's Report of the Manner in which the War has conducted itself up to this Time. And the most Surprising Epitaph of a Victim of Strategy. 119

LETTER XCII.

In which our enthusiastic Correspondent surpasses AEschylus in the way of an Invocation. And describes Rear Admiral Head's great Naval Demonstration against Fort Piano. 128

LETTER XCIII.

Teeming with Consummate Strategy, and relating an extraordinary Geometrical Effort of Military Genius. 135

LETTER XCIV.

Affording an Instance of Imperceptible Patriotism. Presenting the profound Commentary of an eminent foreign Military Critic. And Reporting the last Effusion of the General of the Mackerel Brigade. 143

LETTER XCV.

Noting the continued Anguish of the Conservative Kentucky Chap, and the Death of Nemo. And describing an immense popular Demonstration against the Outrages of Federal Oppression. 150

LETTER XCVI.

Devoted principally to Social Matters, and the benignant Bearing of V. Gammon at a Diplomatic Soiree. 158

LETTER XCVII.

Introducing the great Moral Exhibition of the "Effigynia". Glancing at a fourth new Mackerel General. And showing how the President's Draft on Accomac was protested at sight. 164

LETTER XCVIII.

Recounting a chaste "Reconstruction" Anecdote of the Sixth Ward. And divulging Captain Villiam Brown's ingenious Alphabetical Experiment with Company Three. 172

LETTER XCIX.

In which our Correspondent is betrayed into Argument. But recovers in time to give us the usual Christmas Song and Story of the Renowned Brigade. 181

LETTER C.

Giving divers Instances of strangely-mistaken Identity. And revealing a wise Method of saving the Country from Bankruptcy. 194

LETTER CI.

Explaining the well-meant Duplicity of the Journals of the Opposition. Affording another Glimpse of the Irrepressible Conservative Sentiment. And showing how Thanksgiving-Day was kept by the Mackerels. 201

LETTER CII.

Showing the ingenious Financial Energy of a greatly reduced Politician. And Describing a Combat illustrative of the Philosophical Contentment of the well-known Southern Confederacy under all Reverses. 213

LETTER CIII.

Being another and final Christmas Report. Including a Small Story from our Uncle Abe. A Circular from the Secretary of State. A Supernatural Carol from Sergeant O'Pake. And a tremendous Ghost-Story from an unappreciated Genius. 222

LETTER CIV.

Explaining, in a lucid and perfectly satisfactory Manner, the powerful Inactivity of that portion of the venerated Mackerel Brigade residing before the ancient City of Paris, and presenting certain genial Details of a recent Festive Conglomeration. 243

LETTER CV.

Being our Correspondent's last Effort prior to the Commencement of a new Mackerel Campaign. Introducing a metrical Picture of the most remarkable Single Combat on Record. And showing how the Romance of Woman's sensitive Soul can be crushed by the thing called Man. 254

LETTER CVI.

Wherein will be found certain profound Remarks upon the Variations of Gold, etc., and a wholesome little Tale illustrative of that famous Popular Abstraction, the Southern Treasury Note. 261

LETTER CVII.

Recording the latest Delphic Utterances of One whom we all honor without knowing why. And recounting the truly marvellous Affair of the Fort built according to Tacitus. 267

LETTER CVIII.

Narrating the utterly unparalleled Conquest of Paris by the venerable Mackerel Brigade, after Three Days' inconceivable Strategy. In Fact, a Battle-Report after the Manner of all our excited Morning Journals. Upon perusing which, each Reader is expected to wrap himself up in the American Flag and shake his fist at Combined Europe. 277

LETTER CIX.

Which endeth the Third Volume of this inexpressibly veracious History of the War. And showeth how a Great Republic finally overcame its surpassingly Mendacious Foes, and how it evinced its unspeakable Gratitude to Providence for such a Victory. 289

THE

ORPHEUS C. KERR PAPERS.

THIRD SERIES.