Chapter XXVIII: Letter CVI

WHEREIN WILL BE FOUND CERTAIN PROFOUND REMARKS UPON THE VARIATIONS
OF GOLD, ETC., AND A WHOLESOME LITTLE TALE ILLUSTRATIVE OF THAT
FAMOUS POPULAR ABSTRACTION, THE SOUTHERN TREASURY NOTE.

WASHINGTON, D.C., March 22, 1865.

The venerable Aaron, my boy, was the first gold speculator mentioned in history, and it exhausted all the statesmanship of Moses to break up the unseemly speculation, and bring Hebrew dry goods and provisions down to decent prices. Were Aaron alive now, how he would mourn to find his auriferous calf going down at the rate of ten per cent. a day, while the Moses of the White House reduced that animal more and more to the standard of very common mutton!

Alas, my boy, what madness is this which causes men to forget honor, country, ay, even dinner itself, for ungrateful gold! Like all writers whose object is the moral improvement of their kind, I have a wholesome contempt of gold. What is it? A vulgar-looking yellow metal, with a disagreeable smell. It is filthy lucre. It is dross. It is also 156.

Not many months ago I knew a high-toned chap of much neck and chin, who made five hundred thousand dollars by supplying our national troops with canned peaches, and was so inflated with his good luck in the cholera-morbus line, that he actually began to think that his canned peaches had something to do with the successes in the field of our excellent military organization. Being thus elevated, this finely-imaginative chap believed that his services deserved the mission to France; and, as that was refused him, it was but natural for him to become at once a Southern Confederacy in sentiment, and pronounce our Honest Abe a tyrant of defective education.

Just before the last election, I met him at the Baltimore railroad depot, and says he: "I have just invested a cool five hundred thousand in gold. It is positively sure," says he, glibly, "it is positively sure that the reelection of our present despot will send gold straight up to five hundred. I tell you," says he, in a wild ecstasy, "it'll ruin the country, and I shall clear a half million."

He was a Jerseyman of fine feelings, and took a little hard cider for his often infirmity.

Yesterday I saw that man again, my boy, and I gave him a five-cent note in consideration of his great ability in sweeping a street-crossing. He deserted his canned peaches, and was cr-r-rushed.

But what is this manuscript upon my table, as I write? It is a veracious and wholesome little tale of

"THE SOUTH.--BY A NORTHER.

"'Twas night, deep night, in the beautiful city of Richmond; and
the chivalrous Mr. Faro was slowly wending his way through Broad
street to the bosom of his Confederate family, when, suddenly, he
was confronted by a venerable figure in rags, soliciting alms.

"'Out of my path, wretch!' ejaculated the haughty Virginian,
impatiently; and, tossing two thousand dollars ($2000) to the
unfortunate mendicant, he attempted to pass on.

"The starving beggar was about to give way, and had drawn near the
barrel which he carried on a wheelbarrow, for the purpose of adding
to its contents the pittance just received, when the small amount
of the latter seemed to attract his attention for the first time,
and again he threw himself in the way of the miserly aristocrat.

"'Moses Faro,' he muttered, in tones of profound agitation, 'you
have your sheds full ($000000000) of Southern Bonds, while one poor
barrel full ($000) must supply me for a whole day; yet would I not
exchange places with a man capable of insulting honest poverty as
you have done this night.'

"The proud Virginian felt the rebuke keenly; and as he stood,
momentarily silent, in the presence of the hapless victim of
penury, he could not help remembering that he had, on that very
morning, willingly given his youngest son five thousand dollars
($5000) to purchase a kite and some marbles. Greatly stricken in
conscience, and heartily ashamed of his recent meanness, he turned
to the suppliant, and said, kindly:

"'Give me your address, and to-morrow morning I will send you a
cart full ($000) of means. I would give you more now, but I have
only sixty thousand dollars ($60,000) about me, with which to pay
for the pair of boots I now have on.'

"'Moses Faro,' responded the deeply-affected pauper, 'your noble
charity will enable me to pay the nine thousand dollars ($9000) I
owe for a week's board; and now let me ask, how goes our sacred
cause?'

"'Never brighter,' answered the wealthy Confederate, with
enthusiasm. 'We have succeeded to-day in forcing five more cities
through the Yankee lines, and are dragging three whole Hessian
armies to this city.'

"'Then welcome poverty for a while longer,' cried the beggar,
pathetically; and so great was his exuberance of spirit at the
news, that he resolved to spend five hundred dollars ($500) for a
cigar in honor thereof.

"Mr. Faro walked thoughtfully on toward his residence, pondering
earnestly the words he had listened to, and astonished to find how
easily a rich man could give happiness to a poor one. After all,
thought he, there is more contentment in poverty than in riches.
Show me the rich man who can boast the sturdy lightness of heart
inspiring that hackneyed rhyme, the

"'CAROL OF THE CONFEDERATE BEGGAR.

"'Though but fifty thousand dollars
Be the sum of all I own,
Yet I'm merry with my begging,
And I'm happy with my bone;
Nor with any brother beggar
Does my heart refuse to share,
Though a thousand dollars only
Be the most I have to spare.

"'I am shabby in my seven
Hundred dollar hat of straw,
And my dinner's but eleven
Hundred dollars in the raw;
Yet I hold my head the higher,
That it owes the hatter least,
And my scanty crumbs are sweeter
Than the viands of a feast'.

"Humming to himself this simple lay of contented want, Mr. Faro
reached his own residence, gave eighty dollars ($80) to a little
boy on the sidewalk for blacking his boots, and entered the portals
of the hospitable mansion. His wife met him in the hall, and, as
they walked together into the parlor, he noticed that her
expression was serious.

"'Have you heard the latest news, Moses?' she asked.

"'No,' returned the haughty Southerner.

"'Well,' said the lady, 'just before you came in, I gave Sambo a
hundred and twelve dollars ($112) to get an evening paper, which
says that the Confederate Government is about to seize all the
money in the country, to pay the soldiers.'

"A gorgeous smile lit up the features of the chivalric Virginian,
and he said:

"'Let them take both my shedsfull ($00000000); let them take it
all! Sooner than submit, or consent to be Reconstructed, I would
give my very life even, for the sake of the Confederacy!'

Mrs. Faro still looked serious.

"'Moses,' she said, with quivering lips, 'have you not got, hidden
away somewhere, _a twenty-shilling gold-piece_ ($2,500,000)?'

"Ghastly pale turned the proud Confederate, and he could barely
stammer,--

"'Ye-ye-yes.'

"'Well,' murmured the matron, 'it's the gold they intend to take, I
reckon.'

"That was enough. Frantically tore Mr. Faro into the street;
desperately raced he to the city limits; madly flew he past the
pickets and sentinels; swiftly scoured he down the Boynton Plank
Road. A Yankee bayonet was at his bosom.

"'Reconstruction!' shouted he.

"They took him before the nearest post-commandant, and he only
said,--

"'Let me be Reconstructed.'"

Need the reader be informed that he is now in New York, looking for a house, and in great need of some financial aid to help him pay the rent of such a residence as he has always been accustomed to and cannot live without? Yes, far from home, family, and friends, he is now one of those long-suffering, self-sacrificing Union refugees from the South, whom it is a pleasure to assist, and whose manly opposition to the military despotism of the Confederacy commends them to our utmost liberality. He will accept donations in money, and this fact should be sufficient to make all loyal men eager to extend such pecuniary encouragement as may suffice to keep him above any necessity for exertion until the presidency of some Bank can be procured for him by the Christian Commission.

I may add, my boy, that any monetary contribution intended for this excellent man, may be directed to

Yours, patronizingly,

ORPHEUS C. KERR.