Chapter XI: Part 11

It is true, the poor of the suburb parishes will not have altogether the same advantage, because they are not equally in the road of business and passengers: but here it is to be considered, that the beggars there have not so good a title to publick charity, because most of them are strollers from the country, and compose a principal part of that great nuisance, which we ought to remove.

I should be apt to think, that few things can be more irksome to a city minister, than a number of beggars which do not belong to his district, whom he hath no obligation to take care of, who are no part of his flock, and who take the bread out of the mouths of those, to whom it properly belongs. When I mention this abuse to any minister of a city-parish, he usually lays the fault upon the beadles, who he says are bribed by the foreign beggars; and, as those beadles often keep ale-houses, they find their account in such customers. This evil might easily be remedied, if the parishes would make some small addition to the salaries of a beadle, and be more careful in the choice of those officers. But, I conceive there is one effectual method, in the power of every minister to put in practice; I mean, by making it the interest of all his own original poor, to drive out intruders: for, if the parish-beggars were absolutely forbidden by the minister and church-officers, to suffer strollers to come into the parish, upon pain of themselves not being permitted to beg alms at the church-doors, or at the houses and shops of the inhabitants; they would prevent interlopers more effectually than twenty beadles.

And, here I cannot but take notice of the great indiscretion in our city-shopkeepers, who suffer their doors to be daily besieged by crowds of beggars, (as the gates of a lord are by duns,) to the great disgust and vexation of many customers, whom I have frequently observed to go to other shops, rather than suffer such a persecution; which might easily be avoided, if no foreign beggars were allowed to infest them.

Wherefore, I do assert, that the shopkeepers, who are the greatest complainers of this grievance, lamenting that for every customer, they are worried by fifty beggars, do very well deserve what they suffer, when a 'prentice with a horse-whip is able to lash every beggar from the shop, who is not of the parish, and does not wear the badge of that parish on his shoulder, well fastened and fairly visible; and if this practice were universal in every house to all the sturdy vagrants, we should in a few weeks clear the town of all mendicants, except those who have a proper title to our charity: as for the aged and infirm, it would be sufficient to give them nothing, and then they must starve or follow their brethren.

It was the city that first endowed this hospital, and those who afterwards contributed, as they were such who generally inhabited here; so they intended what they gave to be for the use of the city's poor. The revenues which have since been raised by parliament, are wholly paid by the city, without the least charge upon any other part of the kingdom; and therefore nothing could more defeat the original design, than to misapply those revenues on strolling beggars, or bastards from the country, which bear no share in the charges we are at.

If some of the out-parishes be overburthened with poor, the reason must be, that the greatest part of those poor are strollers from the country, who nestle themselves where they can find the cheapest lodgings, and from thence infest every part of the town, out of which they ought to be whipped as a most insufferable nuisance, being nothing else but a profligate clan of thieves, drunkards, heathens, and whore-mongers, fitter to be rooted out of the face of the earth, than suffered to levy a vast annual tax upon the city, which shares too deep in the public miseries, brought on us by the oppressions we lye under from our neighbours, our brethren, our countrymen, our fellow protestants, and fellow subjects.

Some time ago I was appointed one of a committee to inquire into the state of the workhouse; where we found that a charity was bestowed by a great person for a certain time, which in its consequences operated very much to the detriment of the house: for, when the time was elapsed, all those who were supported by that charity, continued on the same foot with the rest of the foundation; and being generally a pack of profligate vagabond wretches from several parts of the kingdom, corrupted all the rest; so partial, or treacherous, or interested, or ignorant, or mistaken are generally all recommenders, not only to employments, but even to charity itself.

I know it is complained, that the difficulty of driving foreign beggars out of the city is charged upon the _bellowers_ (as they are called) who find their accounts best in suffering those vagrants to follow their trade through every part of the town. But this abuse might easily be remedied, and very much to the advantage of the whole city, if better salaries were given to those who execute that office in the several parishes, and would make it their interest to clear the town of those caterpillars, rather than hazard the loss of an employment that would give them an honest livelyhood. But, if that would fail, yet a general resolution of never giving charity to a street beggar out of his own parish, or without a visible badge, would infallibly force all vagrants to depart.

There is generally a vagabond spirit in beggars, which ought to be discouraged and severely punished. It is owing to the same causes that drove them into poverty; I mean, idleness, drunkenness, and rash marriages without the least prospect of supporting a family by honest endeavours, which never came into their thoughts. It is observed, that hardly one beggar in twenty looks upon himself to be relieved by receiving bread or other food; and they have in this town been frequently seen to pour out of their pitcher good broth that hath been given them, into the kennel; neither do they much regard clothes, unless to sell them; for their rags are part of their tools with which they work: they want only ale, brandy, and other strong liquors, which cannot be had without money; and, money as they conceive, always abounds in the metropolis.

I had some other thoughts to offer upon this subject. But, as I am a desponder in my nature, and have tolerably well discovered the disposition of our people, who never will move a step towards easing themselves from any one single grievance; it will be thought, that I have already said too much, and to little or no purpose; which hath often been the fate, or fortune of the writer,

J. SWIFT.

April 22,
1737.

CONSIDERATIONS

ABOUT MAINTAINING THE POOR.

NOTE.

The text of this short paper is taken from Deane Swift's edition,
which was followed by Sir Walter Scott.

[T. S.]

CONSIDERATIONS ABOUT MAINTAINING THE POOR.

We have been amused, for at least thirty years past, with numberless schemes, in writing and discourse, both in and out of Parliament, for maintaining the poor, and setting them to work, especially in this city: most of which were idle, indigested, or visionary; and all of them ineffectual, as it has plainly appeared by the consequences. Many of those projectors were so stupid, that they drew a parallel from Holland to England, to be settled in Ireland; that is to say, from two countries with full freedom and encouragement for trade, to a third where all kind of trade is cramped, and the most beneficial parts are entirely taken away. But the perpetual infelicity of false and foolish reasoning, as well as proceeding and acting upon it, seems to be fatal to this country.

For my own part, who have much conversed with those folks who call themselves merchants, I do not remember to have met with a more ignorant and wrong-thinking race of people in the very first rudiments of trade; which, however, was not so much owing to their want of capacity, as to the crazy constitution of this kingdom, where pedlars are better qualified to thrive than the wisest merchants. I could fill a volume with only setting down a list of the public absurdities, by which this kingdom has suffered within the compass of my own memory, such as could not be believed of any nation, among whom folly was not established as a law. I cannot forbear instancing a few of these, because it may be of some use to those who shall have it in their power to be more cautious for the future.

The first was, the building of the barracks; whereof I have seen above one-half, and have heard enough of the rest, to affirm that the public has been cheated of at least two-thirds of the money raised for that use, by the plain fraud of the undertakers.

Another was the management of the money raised for the Palatines; when, instead of employing that great sum in purchasing lands in some remote and cheap part of the kingdom, and there planting those people as a colony, the whole end was utterly defeated.

A third is, the insurance office against fire, by which several thousand pounds are yearly remitted to England, (a trifle, it seems, we can easily spare,) and will gradually increase until it comes to a good national tax: for the society-marks upon our houses (under which might properly be written, "The Lord have mercy upon us!") spread faster and farther than the colony of frogs.[192] I have, for above twenty years past, given warning several thousand times to many substantial people, and to such who are acquainted with lords and squires, and the like great folks, to any of whom I have not the honour to be known: I mentioned my daily fears, lest our watchful friends in England might take this business out of our hands; and how easy it would be to prevent that evil, by erecting a society of persons who had good estates, such, for instance, as that noble knot of bankers, under the style of "Swift and Company." But now we are become tributary to England, not only for materials to light our own fires, but for engines to put them out; to which, if hearth-money be added, (repealed in England as a grievance,) we have the honour to pay three taxes for fire.

A fourth was the knavery of those merchants, or linen-manufacturers, or both, when, upon occasion of the plague at Marseilles, we had a fair opportunity of getting into our hands the whole linen-trade of Spain; but the commodity was so bad, and held at so high a rate, that almost the whole cargo was returned, and the small remainder sold below the prime cost.

So many other particulars of the same nature crowd into my thoughts, that I am forced to stop; and the rather because they are not very proper for my subject, to which I shall now return.

Among all the schemes for maintaining the poor of the city, and setting them to work, the least weight has been laid upon that single point which is of the greatest importance; I mean, that of keeping foreign beggars from swarming hither out of every part of the country; for, until this be brought to pass effectually, all our wise reasonings and proceedings upon them will be vain and ridiculous.

The prodigious number of beggars throughout this kingdom, in proportion to so small a number of people, is owing to many reasons: to the laziness of the natives; the want of work to employ them; the enormous rents paid by cottagers for their miserable cabins and potatoe-plots; their early marriages, without the least prospect of establishment; the ruin of agriculture, whereby such vast numbers are hindered from providing their own bread, and have no money to purchase it; the mortal damp upon all kinds of trade, and many other circumstances, too tedious or invidious to mention.

And to the same causes we owe the perpetual concourse of foreign beggars to this town, the country landlords giving all assistance, except money and victuals, to drive from their estates those miserable creatures they have undone.

It was a general complaint against the poor-house, under its former governors, "That the number of poor in this city did not lessen by taking three hundred into the house, and all of them recommended under the minister's and churchwardens' hands of the several parishes": and this complaint must still continue, although the poor-house should be enlarged to contain three thousand, or even double that number.

The revenues of the poor-house, as it is now established, amount to about two thousand pounds a-year; whereof two hundred allowed for officers, and one hundred for repairs, the remaining seventeen hundred, at four pounds a-head, will support four hundred and twenty-five persons. This is a favourable allowance, considering that I subtract nothing for the diet of those officers, and for wear and tear of furniture; and if every one of these collegiates should be set to work, it is agreed they will not be able to gain by their labour above one-fourth part of their maintenance.

At the same time, the oratorial part of these gentlemen seldom vouchsafe to mention fewer than fifteen hundred or two thousand people, to be maintained in this hospital, without troubling their heads about the fund. * * * *

ON BARBAROUS DENOMINATIONS

IN IRELAND.

SIR,

I have been lately looking over the advertisements in some of your Dublin newspapers, which are sent me to the country, and was much entertained with a large list of denominations of lands, to be sold or let. I am confident they must be genuine; for it is impossible that either chance or modern invention could sort the alphabet in such a manner as to make those abominable sounds; whether first invented to invoke or fright away the devil, I must leave among the curious.

If I could wonder at anything barbarous, ridiculous, or absurd, among us, this should be one of the first. I have often lamented that Agricola, the father-in-law of Tacitus, was not prevailed on by that petty king from Ireland, who followed his camp, to come over and civilize us with a conquest, as his countrymen did Britain, where several Roman appellations remain to this day, and so would the rest have done, if that inundation of Angles, Saxons, and other northern people, had not changed them so much for the worse, although in no comparison with ours. In one of the advertisements just mentioned, I encountered near a hundred words together, which I defy any creature in human shape, except an Irishman of the savage kind, to pronounce; neither would I undertake such a task, to be owner of the lands, unless I had liberty to humanize the syllables twenty miles round. The legislature may think what they please, and that they are above copying the Romans in all their conquests of barbarous nations; but I am deceived, if anything has more contributed to prevent the Irish from being tamed, than this encouragement of their language, which might be easily abolished, and become a dead one in half an age, with little expense, and less trouble.

How is it possible that a gentleman who lives in those parts where the _town-lands_ (as they call them) of his estate produce such odious sounds from the mouth, the throat, and the nose, can be able to repeat the words without dislocating every muscle that is used in speaking, and without applying the same tone to all other words, in every language he understands; as it is plainly to be observed not only in those people of the better sort who live in Galway and the Western parts, but in most counties of Ireland?

It is true, that, in the city parts of London, the trading people have an affected manner of pronouncing; and so, in my time, had many ladies and coxcombs at Court. It is likewise true, that there is an odd provincial cant in most counties in England, sometimes not very pleasing to the ear; and the Scotch cadence, as well as expression, are offensive enough. But none of these defects derive contempt to the speaker: whereas, what we call the _Irish brogue_ is no sooner discovered, than it makes the deliverer in the last degree ridiculous and despised; and, from such a mouth, an Englishman expects nothing but bulls, blunders, and follies. Neither does it avail whether the censure be reasonable or not, since the fact is always so. And, what is yet worse, it is too well known, that the bad consequence of this opinion affects those among us who are not the least liable to such reproaches, farther than the misfortune of being born in Ireland, although of English parents, and whose education has been chiefly in that kingdom.

I have heard many gentlemen among us talk much of the great convenience to those who live in the country, that they should speak Irish. It may possibly be so; but I think they should be such who never intend to visit England, upon pain of being ridiculous; for I do not remember to have heard of any one man that spoke Irish, who had not the accent upon his tongue easily discernible to any English ear.

But I have wandered a little from my subject, which was only to propose a wish that these execrable denominations were a little better suited to an English mouth, if it were only for the sake of the English lawyers; who, in trials upon appeals to the House of Lords, find so much difficulty in repeating the names, that, if the plaintiff or defendant were by, they would never be able to discover which were their own lands. But, besides this, I would desire, not only that the appellations of what they call _town-lands_ were changed, but likewise of larger districts, and several towns, and some counties; and particularly the seats of country-gentlemen, leaving an _alias_ to solve all difficulties in point of law. But I would by no means trust these alterations to the owners themselves; who, as they are generally no great clerks, so they seem to have no large vocabulary about them, nor to be well skilled in prosody. The utmost extent of their genius lies in naming their country habitation by a hill, a mount, a brook, a burrow, a castle, a bawn, a ford, and the like ingenious conceits. Yet these are exceeded by others, whereof some have contrived anagramatical appellations, from half their own and their wives' names joined together: others only from the lady; as, for instance, a person whose wife's name was Elizabeth, calls his seat by the name of _Bess-borow_. There is likewise a famous town, where the worst iron in the kingdom is made, and it is called _Swandlingbar_: the original of which name I shall explain, lest the antiquaries of future ages might be at a loss to derive it. It was a most witty conceit of four gentlemen, who ruined themselves with this iron project. _Sw._ stands for _Swift_,[193] _And_, for _Sanders_, _Ling_ for _Davling_ and _Bar._ for _Barry_. Methinks I see the four loggerheads sitting in consult, like _Smectymnuus_, each gravely contributing a part of his own name, to make up one for their place in the ironwork; and could wish they had been hanged, as well as undone, for their wit. But I was most pleased with the denomination of a town-land, which I lately saw in an advertisement of Pue's paper: "This is to give notice, that the lands of _Douras, alias_ WHIG-_borough_," &c. Now, this zealous proprietor, having a mind to record his principles in religion or loyalty to future ages, within five miles round him, for want of other merit, thought fit to make use of this expedient: wherein he seems to mistake his account; for this distinguishing term, whig, had a most infamous original, denoting a man who favoured the fanatic sect, and an enemy to kings, and so continued till this idea was a little softened, some years after the Revolution, and during a part of her late Majesty's reign. After which it was in disgrace until the Queen's death, since which time it hath indeed flourished with a witness: But how long will it continue so, in our variable scene, or what kind of mortal it may describe, is a question which this courtly landlord is not able to answer; and therefore he should have set a date on the title of his borough, to let us know what kind of a creature a whig was in that year of our Lord. I would readily assist nomenclators of this costive imagination, and therefore I propose to others of the same size in thinking, that, when they are at a loss about christening a country-seat, instead of straining their invention, they would call it _Booby-borough_, _Fool-brook_, _Puppy-ford_, _Coxcomb-hall_, _Mount-loggerhead_, _Dunce-hill_; which are innocent appellations, proper to express the talents of the owners. But I cannot reconcile myself to the prudence of this lord of WHIG-_borough_, because I have not yet heard, among the Presbyterian squires, how much soever their persons and principles are in vogue, that any of them have distinguished their country abode by the name of _Mount-regicide_, _Covenant-hall_, _Fanatic-hill_, _Roundhead-bawn_, _Canting-brook_, or _Mont-rebel_, and the like; because there may probably come a time when those kind of sounds may not be so grateful to the ears of the kingdom. For I do not conceive it would be a mark of discretion, upon supposing a gentleman, in allusion to his name, or the merit of his ancestors, to call his house _Tyburn-hall_.

But the scheme I would propose for changing the denominations of land into legible and audible syllables, is by employing some gentlemen in the University; who, by the knowledge of the Latin tongue, and their judgment in sounds, might imitate the Roman way, by translating those hideous words into their English meanings, and altering the termination where a bare translation will not form a good cadence to the ear, or be easily delivered from the mouth. And, when both those means happen to fail, then to name the parcels of land from the nature of the soil, or some peculiar circumstance belonging to it; as, in England, _Farn-ham_, _Oat-lands_, _Black-heath_, _Corn-bury_, _Rye-gate_, _Ash-burnham_, _Barn-elms_, _Cole-orton_, _Sand-wich_, and many others.

I am likewise apt to quarrel with some titles of lords among us, that have a very ungracious sound, which are apt to communicate mean ideas to those who have not the honour to be acquainted with their persons or their virtues, of whom I have the misfortune to be one. But I cannot pardon those gentlemen who have gotten titles since the judicature of the peers among us has been taken away, to which they all submitted with a resignation that became good Christians, as undoubtedly they are. However, since that time, I look upon a graceful harmonious title to be at least forty _per cent._ in the value intrinsic of an Irish peerage; and, since it is as cheap as the worst, for any Irish law hitherto enacted in England to the contrary, I would advise the next set, before they pass their patents, to call a consultation of scholars and musical gentlemen, to adjust this most important and essential circumstance. The Scotch noblemen, though born almost under the north pole, have much more tunable appellations, except some very few, which I suppose were given them by the Irish along with their language, at the time when that kingdom was conquered and planted from hence; and to this day retain the denominations of places, and surnames of families, as all historians agree.[194]

I should likewise not be sorry, if the names of some bishops' sees were so much obliged to the alphabet, that upon pronouncing them we might contract some veneration for the order and persons of those reverend peers, which the gross ideas sometimes joined to their titles are very unjustly apt to diminish.

SPEECH DELIVERED BY DEAN SWIFT

TO AN ASSEMBLY OF MERCHANTS MET AT THE GUILDHALL,

TO DRAW UP A PETITION TO THE LORD LIEUTENANT

ON THE LOWERING OF COIN,

APRIL 24TH, 1736.

NOTE.

Writing to Sheridan, under date April 24th, 1736, in a letter
written partly by herself and partly by Swift, Mrs. Whiteway,
Swift's housekeeper, refers to the occasion of this speech in the
following words:

"The Drapier went this day to the Tholsel[195] as a merchant, to
sign a petition to the government against lowering the gold, where
we hear he made a long speech, for which he will be reckoned a
Jacobite. God send hanging does not go round." (Scott's edition,
vol. xviii., p. 470. 1824.)

The occasion for this agitation against the lowering of the gold
arose thus. Archbishop Boulter had, for a long time, been much
concerned about the want of small silver in Ireland. The subject
seemed to weigh on him greatly, since he refers to it again and
again in his correspondence with Carteret, Newcastle, Dorset, and
Walpole. On May 25th, 1736, he wrote to Walpole to inform him that
the Lord Lieutenant had taken with him to England "an application
from the government for lowering the gold made current here, by
proclamation, and raising the foreign silver." Silver, being
scarce, bankers and tradesmen were accustomed to charge a premium
for the changing of gold, as much as sixpence and sevenpence in the
pound sterling being obtained. (See Boulter's "Letters," vol. ii.,
p. 122. Dublin, 1770.)

There was no question about the benefit of Boulter's scheme in the
minds of the two Houses of Commons and Lords: Swift, however,
opposed it vehemently, because he thought the advantage to be
obtained by this lowering of the gold would accrue to the
absentees. In 1687 James had issued a proclamation by which an
English shilling was made the equivalent of thirteen pence in
Ireland, and an English guinea to twenty-four shillings. Primate
Boulter's object (gained by the proclamation of the order on
September 29th, 1737) was to reduce the value of the guinea from
twenty-three shillings (at which it then stood) to _£1 2s. 9d._
Swift, thinks Monck Mason, considered the absentees would benefit
by this "from the circumstances of the reserved rents, being
expressed in the imaginary coin, called a pound, but actually paid
in guineas, when the value of guineas was lowered, it required a
proportionately greater number to make up a specific sum" ("History
of St. Patrick's," p. 401, note c.)

Swift, as he wrote to Sheridan, "battled in vain with the duke and
his clan." He thought it "just a kind of settlement upon England of
£25,000 a year for ever; yet some of my friends," he goes on to
say, "differ from me, though all agree that the absentees will be
just so much gainers." (Letter of date May 22nd, 1737.)

In a note to Boulter's letter to the Duke of Newcastle (September
29th, 1737) the editor of those letters (Ambrose Phillips) remarks:
"Such a spirit of opposition had been raised on this occasion by
Dean Swift and the bankers, that it was thought proper to lodge at
the Primate's house, an extraordinary guard of soldiers." This,
probably, was after the open exchange of words between Boulter and
Swift. The Primate had accused Swift of inflaming the minds of the
people, and hinted broadly that he might incur the displeasure of
the government. "I inflame them!" retorted Swift, "had I but lifted
my finger, they would have torn you to pieces." The day of the
proclaiming of the order for the lowering of the gold was marked by
Swift with the display of a black flag from the steeple of St.
Patrick's, and the tolling of muffled bells, a piece of conduct
which Boulter called an insult to the government.

It is _à propos_ to record here the revenge Swift took on Boulter
for the accusation of inflaming the people. The incident was put by
him into the following verse:

"At Dublin's high feast sat primate and dean,
Both dressed like divines, with hand and face clean:
Quoth Hugh of Armagh, 'the mob is grown bold.'
'Ay, ay,' quoth the Dean, 'the cause is old gold.'
'No, no,' quoth the primate, 'if causes we sift,
The mischief arises from witty Dean Swift.'
The smart one replies, 'There's no wit in the case;
And nothing of that ever troubled your grace.
Though with your state sieve your own motions you s--t,
A Boulter by name is no bolter of wit.
It's matter of weight, and a mere money job;
But the lower the coin, the higher the mob.
Go to tell your friend Bob and the other great folk,
That sinking the coin is a dangerous joke.
The Irish dear joys have enough common sense,
To treat gold reduced like Wood's copper pence.
It's pity a prelate should die without law;
But if I say the word--take care of Armagh!"

With the lowering of the gold the Primate imported £2,000 worth of
copper money for Irish consumption. Swift was most indignant at
this, and his protest, printed by Faulkner, brought that publisher
before the Council, and gave Swift a fit of "nerves." (MS. Letter,
March 31st, 1737, to Lord Orrery, quoted by Craik in Swift's
"Life," vol. ii., p. 160.) Swift's objection against the copper was
due to the fact that it was not minted in Ireland. "I quarrel not
with the coin, but with the indignity of its not being coined
here." (Same MS. Letter.)

Among the pamphlets in the Halliday collection in the Royal Irish
Academy, Dublin, is a tract with the following title:

"Reasons why we should not lower the Coins now Current in this
Kingdom ... Dublin: Printed and Sold by E. Waters in Dame-street."

At the end of this tract is printed Swift's speech to "an Assembly
of above one Hundred and fifty eminent persons who met at the Guild
Hall, on Saturday the 24th April, 1736, in order to draw up their
Petition, and present it to his grace the Lord Lieutenant against
lowering said Coin." It is from this tract that the present text
has been taken. The editor is obliged to Sir Henry Craik's "Life of
Swift" for drawing attention to this hitherto uncollected piece.

[T. S.]

SPEECH DELIVERED ON THE LOWERING OF THE COIN.

I beg you will consider and very well weigh in your hearts, what I am going to say and what I have often said before. There are several bodies of men, among whom the power of this kingdom is divided--1st, The Lord-Lieutenant, Lords Justices and Council; next to these, my Lords the Bishops; there is likewise my Lord Chancellor, and my Lords the Judges of the land--with other eminent persons in the land, who have employments and great salaries annexed. To these must be added the Commissioners of the Revenue, with all their under officers: and lastly, their honours of the Army, of all degrees.

Now, Gentlemen, I beg you again to consider that none of these persons above named, can ever suffer the loss of one farthing by all the miseries under which the kingdom groans at present. For, first, until the kingdom be entirely ruined, the Lord-Lieutenant and Lords Justices must have their salaries. My Lords the Bishops, whose lands are set at a fourth part value, will be sure of their rents and their fines. My Lords the Judges and those of other employments in the country must likewise have their salaries. The gentlemen of the revenue will pay themselves, and as to the officers of the army, the consequence of not paying them is obvious enough. Nay, so far will those persons I have already mentioned be from suffering, that, on the contrary, their revenues being no way lessened by the fall of money, and the price of all commodities considerably sunk thereby, they must be great gainers. Therefore, Gentlemen, I do entreat you that as long as you live, you will look on all persons who are for lowering the gold, or any other coin, as no friends to this poor kingdom, but such, who find their private account in what will be detrimental to Ireland. And as the absentees are, in the strongest view, our greatest enemies, first by consuming above one-half of the rents of this nation abroad, and secondly by turning the weight, by their absence, so much on the Popish side, by weakening the Protestant interest, can there be a greater folly than to pave a bridge of gold at your own expense, to support them in their luxury and vanity abroad, while hundreds of thousands are starving at home for want of employment.

MISCELLANEOUS PIECES.

IRISH ELOQUENCE.[196]

I hope you will come and take a drink of my ale. I always brew with my own bear. I was at your large Toun's house, in the county of Fermanegh. He has planted a great many oak trees, and elm trees round his lough: And a good warrent he had, it is kind father for him, I stayd with him a week. At breakfast we had sometimes sowins, and sometimes stirrabout, and sometimes fraughauns and milk; but his cows would hardly give a drop of milk. For his head had lost the pachaun. His neighbour Squire Dolt is a meer buddaugh. I'd give a cow in Conaught you could see him. He keeps none but garrauns, and he rides on a soogaun with nothing for his bridle but gadd. In that, he is a meer spaulpeen, and a perfect Monaghan, and a Munster Croch to the bargain. Without you saw him on Sunday you would take him for a Brogadeer and a spaned to a carl did not know had to draw butter. We drank balcan and whisky out of madders. And the devil a niglugam had but a caddao. I wonder your cozen does na learn him better manners. Your cousin desires you will buy him some cheney cups. I remember he had a great many; I wonder what is gone with them. I coshered on him for a week. He has a fine staggard of corn. His dedy has been very unwell. I was sorry that anything ayl her father's child.

Firing is very dear thereabout. The turf is drawn tuo near in Kislers; and they send new rounds from the mines, nothing comes in the Cleeves but stock. We had a sereroar of beef, and once a runy for dinner.

A DIALOGUE IN HIBERNIAN STYLE BETWEEN A. AND B.[197]

A. Them aples is very good.

B. I cam _again_ you in that.

A. Lord I was bodderd t'other day with that prating fool, Tom.

B. Pray, how does he _get_ his health?

A. He's often very _unwell_.

B. [I] hear he was a great pet of yours.

A. Where does he live?

B. Opposite the red Lyon.

A. I think he behaved very ill the last sessions.

B. That's true, but I cannot forbear loving his father's child: Will you take a glass of my ale?

A. No, I thank you, I took a drink of small beer at home before I came here.

B. I always brew with my own bear: You have a country-house: Are you [a] planter.

A. Yes, I have planted a great many oak trees and ash trees, and some elm trees round a lough.

B. And so a good warrant you have: It is kind father for you.

A. And what breakfast do you take in the country?

B. Sometimes stirabout, and in sumer we have the best frauhaurg in all the county.

A. What kind of man is your neighbour Squire Dolt?

B. Why, a meer Buddogh. He sometimes coshers with me; and once a month I take a pipe with him, and we shot it about for an hour together.

A. I hear he keeps good horses.

B. None but garrauns, and I have seen him often riding on a sougawn. In short, he is no better than a spawlpien; a perfect Marcghen. When I was there last, we had nothing but a medder to drink out of; and the devil a nighigam but a caddao. Will you go see him when you come unto our quarter?

A. Not _without_ you go with me.

B. Will you lend me your snuff-box?

A. Do you make good cheese and butter?

B. Yes, when we can get milk; but our cows will never keep a drop of milk without a Puckaun.

TO THE PROVOST AND SENIOR FELLOWS OF TRINITY COLLEGE, DUBLIN.

Deanery House,
July 5, 1736.

REV. AND WORTHY SIRS,

As I had the honour of receiving some part of my education in your university, and the good fortune to be of some service to it while I had a share of credit at court, as well as since, when I had very little or none, I may hope to be excused for laying a case before you, and offering my opinion upon it.

Mr. Dunkin,[198] whom you all know, sent me some time ago a memorial intended to be laid before you, which perhaps he hath already done. His request is, that you would be pleased to enlarge his annuity at present, and that he may have the same right, in his turn, to the first church preferment, vacant in your gift, as if he had been made a fellow, according to the scheme of his aunt's will; because the absurdity of the condition in it ought to be imputed to the old woman's ignorance, although her intention be very manifest; and the intention of the testator in all wills is chiefly regarded by the law. What I would therefore propose is this, that you would increase his pension to one hundred pounds a-year, and make him a firm promise of the first church living in your disposal, to the value of two hundred pounds a-year, or somewhat more. This I take to be a reasonable medium between what he hath proposed in his memorial, and what you allow him at present.

I am almost a perfect stranger to Mr. Dunkin, having never seen him above twice, and then in mixed company, nor should I know his person if I met him in the streets.

But I know he is a man of wit and parts; which if applied properly to the business of his function, instead of poetry, (wherein it must be owned he sometimes excels,) might be of great use and service to him.

I hope you will please to remember, that, since your body hath received no inconsiderable benefaction from the aunt, it will much increase your reputation, rather to err on the generous side toward the nephew.

These are my thoughts, after frequently reflecting on the case under all its circumstances; and so I leave it to your wiser judgments.

I am, with true respect and esteem, reverend and worthy Sirs,

Your most obedient and most humble servant,

JON. SWIFT.

TO THE RIGHT WORSHIPFUL THE MAYOR, ALDERMEN, SHERIFFS, AND COMMON-COUNCIL OF THE CITY OF CORK.

Deanery House, Dublin,
August 15, 1737.

GENTLEMEN,

I received from you, some weeks ago, the honour of my freedom, in a silver box, by the hands of Mr. Stannard; but it was not delivered to me in as many weeks more; because, I suppose, he was too full of more important business. Since that time, I have been wholly confined by sickness, so that I was not able to return you my acknowledgment; and it is with much difficulty I do it now, my head continuing in great disorder. Mr. Faulkner will be the bearer of my letter, who sets out this morning for Cork.

I could have wished, as I am a private man, that, in the instrument of my freedom, you had pleased to assign your reasons for making choice of me. I know it is a usual compliment to bestow the freedom of the city on an archbishop, or lord-chancellor, and other persons of great titles, merely on account of their stations or power: but a private man, and a perfect stranger, without power or grandeur, may justly expect to find the motives assigned in the instrument of his freedom, on what account he is thus distinguished. And yet I cannot discover, in the whole parchment scrip, any one reason offered. Next, as to the silver box, there is not so much as my name upon it, nor any one syllable to show it was a present from your city. Therefore I have, by the advice of friends, agreeable with my opinion, sent back the box and instrument of freedom by Mr. Faulkner, to be returned to you; leaving to your choice whether to insert the reasons for which you were pleased to give me my freedom, or bestow the box upon some more worthy person whom you may have an intention to honour, because it will equally fit everybody.

I am, with true esteem and gratitude,
Gentlemen,
Your most obedient and obliged servant,
JON. SWIFT.

TO THE HONOURABLE THE SOCIETY OF THE GOVERNOR AND ASSISTANTS, LONDON,

FOR THE NEW PLANTATION IN ULSTER, WITHIN THE REALM OF IRELAND, AT THE CHAMBER IN GUILDHALL, LONDON.

April 19, 1739.
WORTHY GENTLEMEN,

I heartily recommend to your very Worshipful Society, the Reverend Mr. William Dunkin,[199] for the living of Colrane, vacant by the death of Dr. Squire. Mr. Dunkin is a gentleman of great learning and wit, true religion, and excellent morals. It is only for these qualifications that I recommend him to your patronage; and I am confident that you will never repent the choice of such a man, who will be ready at any time to obey your commands. You have my best wishes, and all my endeavours for your prosperity: and I shall, during my life, continue to be, with the truest respect and highest esteem,

Worthy Sirs,
Your most obedient, and most humble servant,
JON. SWIFT.

CERTIFICATE TO A DISCARDED SERVANT.

Deanery-house,
Jan. 9, 1739-40

Whereas the bearer served me the space of one year, during which time he was an idler and a drunkard, I then discharged him as such; but how far his having been five years at sea may have mended his manners, I leave to the penetration of those who may hereafter choose to employ him.

JON. SWIFT.

AN EXHORTATION ADDRESSED TO THE SUB-DEAN AND CHAPTER OF ST. PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL, DUBLIN.

January 28, 1741.

Whereas my infirmities of age and ill-health have prevented me to preside in the chapters held for the good order and government of my cathedral church of St. Patrick, Dublin, in person: I have, by a legal commission, made and appointed the very reverend Doctor John Wynne, præcentor of the said cathedral, to be sub-dean in my stead and absence. I do hereby ratify and confirm all the powers delegated to the said Dr. Wynne in the said Commission.

And I do hereby require and request the very reverend sub-dean not to permit any of the vicars-choral, choristers, or organists, to attend or assist at any public musical performances, without my consent, or his consent, with the consent of the chapter first obtained.

And whereas it hath been reported, that I gave a licence to certain vicars to assist at a club of fiddlers in Fishamble Street, I do hereby declare that I remember no such licence to have been ever signed or sealed by me; and that if ever such pretended licence should be produced, I do hereby annul and vacate the said licence. Intreating my said sub-dean and chapter to punish such vicars as shall ever appear there, as songsters, fiddlers, pipers, trumpeters, drummers, drum-majors, or in any sonal quality, according to the flagitious aggravations of their respective disobedience, rebellion, perfidy, and ingratitude.

I require my said sub-dean to proceed to the extremity of expulsion, if the said vicars should be found ungovernable, impenitent, or self-sufficient, especially Taberner, Phipps, and Church, who, as I am informed, have, in violation of my sub-dean's and chapter's order in December last, at the instance of some obscure persons unknown, presumed to sing and fiddle at the club above mentioned.

My resolution is to preserve the dignity of my station, and the honour of my chapter; and, gentlemen, it is incumbent upon you to aid me, and to show who and what the Dean and Chapter of Saint Patrick's are.

Signed by me,
JONATHAN SWIFT
Dean of St. Patrick's.

Witnesses present,
JAMES KING,
FRANCIS WILSON.

To the very Reverend Doctor John Wynne, sub-dean of the Cathedral church of Saint Patrick, Dublin, and to the reverend dignitaries and prebendaries of the same.

APPENDIX.

A LETTER TO THE WRITER OF THE OCCASIONAL PAPER.

NOTE.

In April, 1727, Swift paid his last visit to England. The visit
paid by him to Walpole, already referred to, resulted in nothing,
though it cannot, on that account, be argued that Swift's open
friendship for, and even support of, Pulteney and Bolingbroke was
owing to his failure with Walpole. Swift pleaded with Walpole for
Ireland and Ireland only, as his letter to Peterborough amply
testifies. It had nothing to do with the political situation in
England. The explanation for this sympathy is most likely found in
Sir Henry Craik's suggestion that Swift humoured the pretences of
his friends that they were of the party that maintained the
national virtues, resisted corruption, and defended liberty against
arbitrary power. To Pulteney Swift always wrote reminding him that
the country looked to him as its saviour, and he wrote in a similar
vein to Bolingbroke and Pope. The "Craftsman" had been founded by
Pulteney and Bolingbroke (a curious companionship when one
remembers the past lives of these two men) for the express purpose
of bringing low Walpole's political power. It began by exposing the
tricks of "Robin" and continued to lay bare the cunning and wiles
of the "Craftsman" at the head of the government of the country.
Both Pulteney and Bolingbroke wrote regularly, and the former
displayed a journalistic power quite extraordinary.

The letter which follows was written by Swift when in London on the
occasion of his last visit; but a note in Craik's "Life of Swift"
(vol. ii., pp. 166-167) is very interesting as showing that Swift
did certainly give hints for some of the subjects for discussion. I
take the liberty to transcribe this note in full. Sir Henry Craik
thinks it more than likely that Swift may have suggested, during
his last visit to London, some of the lines on which Bolingbroke
and Pulteney worked. In the note he adds:

"This finds some confirmation, from the following heads of a Tract,
which I have found in a memorandum in Swift's handwriting. The
memorandum belongs to Mr. Frederick Locker [now dead], who kindly
permitted me to use his papers, the same which came from Theophilus
Swift into Scott's possession. But the interest of this memorandum
escaped Scott's notice."

"PROPOSAL FOR VIRTUE."

"Every little fellow who has a vote now corrupted.

"An arithmetical computation, how much spent in election of
Commons, and pensions and foreign courts: how then can our debts be
paid?

"No fear that gentlemen will not stand and serve without Pensions,
and that they will let the Kingdom be invaded for want of fleets
and armies, or bring in Pretender, etc.

"How K(ing) will ensure his own interest as well as the Publick: he
is now forced to keep himself bare, etc., at least, late King was.

"Perpetual expedients, stop-gaps, etc., at long run must terminate
in something fatal, as it does in private estates.

"There may be probably 10,000 landed men in England fit for
Parliament. This would reduce Parliament to consist of real landed
men, which is full as necessary for Senates as for Juries. What do
the other 9,000 do for want of pensions?

" ... In private life, virtue may be difficult, by passions,
infirmities, temptations, want of pence, strong opposition, etc.
But not in public administration: there it makes all things easy.

"Form the Scheme. Suppose a King of England would resolve to give
no pension for party, etc., and call a Parliament, perfectly free,
as he could.

"What can a K. reasonably ask that a Parliament will refuse? When
they are resty, it is by corrupt ministers, who have designs
dangerous to the State, and must therefore support themselves by
bribing, etc.

"Open, fair dealing the best.

"A contemptuous character of Court art. How different from true
politics. For, comparing the talents of two professions that are
very different, I cannot but think, that in the present sense of
the word Politician, a common sharper or pickpocket, has every
quality that can be required in the other, and accordingly I have
personally known more than half a dozen in their hour esteemed
equally to excell in both."

* * * * *

The present text is based on that given in the eighth volume of the
quarto issue of Swift's Works published in 1765.

[T. S.]

A LETTER TO THE WRITER OF
THE OCCASIONAL PAPER.[200]

[VIDE THE CRAFTSMAN, 1727.]

SIR,

Although, in one of your papers, you declare an intention of turning them, during the dead season of the year, into accounts of domestic and foreign intelligence; yet I think we, your correspondents, should not understand your meaning so literally, as if you intended to reject inserting any other paper, which might probably be useful for the public. Neither, indeed, am I fully convinced that this new course you resolve to take will render you more secure than your former laudable practice, of inserting such speculations as were sent you by several well-wishers to the good of the kingdom; however grating such notices might be to some, who wanted neither power nor inclination to resent them at your cost. For, since there is a direct law against spreading false news, if you should venture to tell us in one of the Craftsmen that the Dey of Algiers had got the toothache, or the King of Bantam had taken a purge, and the facts should be contradicted in succeeding packets; I do not see what plea you could offer to avoid the utmost penalty of the law, because you are not supposed to be very gracious among those who are most able to hurt you.

Besides, as I take your intentions to be sincerely meant for the public service, so your original method of entertaining and instructing us will be more general and more useful in this season of the year, when people are retired to amusements more cool, more innocent, and much more reasonable than those they have left; when their passions are subsided or suspended; when they have no occasions of inflaming themselves, or each other; where they will have opportunities of hearing common sense, every day in the week, from their tenants or neighbouring farmers, and thereby be qualified, in hours of rain or leisure, to read and consider the advice or information you shall send them.

Another weighty reason why you should not alter your manner of writing, by dwindling to a newsmonger, is because there is no suspension of arms agreed on between you and your adversaries, who fight with a sort of weapons which have two wonderful qualities, that they are never to be worn out, and are best wielded by the weakest hands, and which the poverty of our language forceth me to call by the trite appellations of scurrility, slander, and Billingsgate. I am far from thinking that these gentlemen, or rather their employers, (for the operators themselves are too obscure to be guessed at) should be answered after their own way, although it were possible to drag them out of their obscurity; but I wish you would enquire what real use such a conduct is to the cause they have been so largely paid to defend. The author of the three first Occasional Letters, a person altogether unknown, hath been thought to glance (for what reasons he best knows) at some public proceedings, as if they were not agreeable to his private opinions. In answer to this, the pamphleteers retained on the other side are instructed by their superiors, to single out an adversary whose abilities they have most reason to apprehend, and to load himself, his family, and friends, with all the infamy that a perpetual conversation in Bridewell, Newgate, and the stews could furnish them; but, at the same time, so very unluckily, that the most distinguishing parts of their characters strike directly in the face of their benefactor, whose idea presenting itself along with his guineas perpetually to their imagination, occasioned this desperate blunder.