Chapter II: Part 2

_The scene and the time are unchanged, although one minute may have elapsed since the last word was spoken. During this time Agnus has realized his misfortune. His face has ceased to be agonized and is now only blank._

_The Devil still stands at the back of the chair, twirling Agnus’s former moustache and admiring himself._

_The light is stationary._[1]

[Footnote 1: It must be remembered that when the word Agnus is written, it means Agnus’s spirit; not his body, that is now The Devil’s.]

THE DEVIL

With these slight alterations in your dress, your face lighted up with my attractive smile (_smiles_) and my bold intelligent gaze, you are a handsome fellow, Agnus—by Saturn, a handsome fellow! I really believe I’d rather have this body than that velvet-jacketed fellow’s—

AGNUS (_pleadingly_)

Don’t say that. It’s not much of a body. I have all sorts of pains and aches—neglect, you know. You’ll be ill half your time. You won’t have _any_ fun. Now this body (_strikes the Dutchman’s_) may not be good-looking, but what’s that? It’s a fine healthy body—a sound body—

[_The light bobs up and down; as though nodding sorrowfully._

THE DEVIL

In that case you’re better off than you were. You ought to thank me.

[_The light darts at him._

THE DEVIL

I wish I could lose that German.

AGNUS (_feverishly_)

I _do_ thank you—physically. But that isn’t it. I’m engaged—to a girl. She—she—she won’t know me in this body—

THE DEVIL

Engaged to a girl! Engaged!—(_Blankly_) Has the time been set for marriage?

AGNUS

No, but—

THE DEVIL

Oh, well, that’s all right. I can get rid of her.

AGNUS

Get rid of her? Get rid of her! (_Wildly_) What do you mean?

THE DEVIL (_with a gesture_)

Scat, girl, scat! Chase her away!

AGNUS

Oh! you (_runs at him, fist clenched_)

THE DEVIL

Don’t forget yourself and break your own nose.

AGNUS

Oh, what am I to do? What am I to do? (_Agonizedly_) Oh, don’t chase her away.

THE DEVIL

What then? Want me to hug her? Kiss her?

AGNUS

Oh, my God, no!

THE DEVIL

Well?

AGNUS

You don’t have to _kiss_ her!—

THE DEVIL

If I don’t kiss her, she’ll be kissing me—

AGNUS

Kissing you!

THE DEVIL

It’s always the neglectful one gets kissed.

AGNUS

She’s got too much dignity to kiss a man without being kissed!

THE DEVIL

Then she doesn’t love you—

AGNUS

She does love me!

THE DEVIL

When a woman loves a man, she doesn’t care which one kisses first so long as they kiss. I’m glad she doesn’t love you. If she did, rudeness and neglect, even knocking her down, would only make her love you more. But women get very dignified when a man they don’t love ill-treats them. They’re only too glad of an excuse to be rid of him.

AGNUS

I know now everything ever written about you is true. To hit a woman! To hit a woman!

THE DEVIL

An empty bureau-drawer is best. It makes a lot of noise, scares them to death, and doesn’t really hurt them at all.

AGNUS

You devil!

THE DEVIL

Dr. Agnus, please. A very neat little book could be written on the psychology of beating children and women—for their own good, of course! Never hurt them: that’s very coarse! A blow should be simply a little more effective than the strongest word—and should never be used until the last threat is exhausted. Of course, if your vocabulary is limited—(_Shrugs his shoulders_) That’s why there’s so much wife-beating among the lower classes. The really well-educated man doesn’t need to beat his wife—when he can swear at her in seven different languages—

[_The light darts viciously at him._

AGNUS

You devil!

THE DEVIL

Dr. Agnus, please. (_Indicating the light_) The Dutchman is angry, too. He thinks it’s all right to blow up a building with a couple of hundred people in it. But to lift a hand against a woman “save in kindness”—oh, my!

[_The light is suddenly still._

THE DEVIL

And you, doctor, vivisect dogs oblivious to their screams of agony. But you’d refuse to speak to the man who inflicted a harmless blow on his wife. Oh, you ridiculous humans!

AGNUS

Vivisection saves many a civilized man.

THE DEVIL

A blow at the right time saves many a civilized woman. Women have only begun to be civilized—since I posed as a woman once or twice: George Eliot, George Sand, and a few others. You don’t laugh this time as you did when I said I was Shakespeare and Shaw—

[_Agnus wrings his hands and walks away._

THE DEVIL

You see I discovered—in spite of all my work—that as soon as I built men up to a highly civilized state, they fell right down again. There was Egypt—look at the Pyramids. There was Greece—I was proud of Greece—its philosophy—drama—architecture—I’ve never done so well since. There was Rome. What fellows those Romans were—owned the world. There was Spain—so did she. England! I still have hopes of England under my new system. But what happened to the others? Smash! Crash! Bang! And I had to start training savages again. I didn’t realize what the matter was—I tried every system—and then, when England started to smash, my eyes opened—the fault was women—

AGNUS

Why, women have always been our refining influences. They draw out our nobler selves.

THE DEVIL

They draw out your sentimental selves, cunning minxes. Men were dragged down, their philosophy sapped, their reason rotted, by living with inferior creatures. You see, while men were out battling with circumstances and learning to use their brains, women were slaves. Had brains, right enough, but didn’t get a chance to use them. Men played the grand act with them (_imitating a pompous man’s tone_): “Now don’t bother your little head about that, dearie, papa’ll fix it.” Well, about the beginning of the last century, I realized I must let men alone for awhile—and work on women. So first, I created an industrial revolution that would send women out to work in the world—like men—

AGNUS (_angrily_)

That proves what a devil you are! (_Sentimentally_) Ah, those good old days when every father could support his daughter until she married—when every wife was in her true sphere—the home.

THE DEVIL (_contemptuously_)

That shows how men’s brains have gone back while I worked on women. I was so absorbed in women that I forgot men for fifty years until, thoroughly alarmed, I created Bernard Shaw out of an ordinary Irish wit by becoming _him_—

AGNUS (_sarcastically_)

Oh, you weren’t Ibsen, then?

THE DEVIL

Oh, yes, I was Ibsen. But that was in the cause of women’s education—to champion the New Woman—

AGNUS

Is there any great man you were not?

THE DEVIL

No great ones. Well, my work on woman has been effective. She’s learned in fifty years what men took thousands to learn. In another fifty she’ll be men’s mental equal. And her sons will be Supermen. Then the world will be able to get along without me—

[_There is a ring at the door._

AGNUS (_jumps up and is about to open the door, but remembers his changed appearance; he peers agonizedly out of window and starts_) It’s Fanny—Fanny!

THE DEVIL

The girl?

AGNUS

Yes, yes! She’s come for her answer?

[_Fanny rings irritatedly._

AGNUS (_to The Devil_)

Just say: “I accept, Fanny—go back and get the others.” There’s no time to explain.

THE DEVIL

Will she go if I say that?

AGNUS

Yes, yes!

[_Fanny rings again._

THE DEVIL

An arrogant minx, apparently. You’ve trained her badly. But we’ll soon fix that!

AGNUS

Will you go—please! She’ll look in the window in a moment and see me—I mean you—please go!

THE DEVIL

What shall I say?

AGNUS

“I accept, Fanny—go back and get the others.” But no putting your arm around her: no kissing!

THE DEVIL

No fear! I wish I were sure she wouldn’t kiss me—

[_Fanny rattles the knob; the door is opened impatiently, and she enters angrily._

THE DEVIL (_immediately_)

Fanny, I accept: go and get the others.

FANNY

Oh, there you are! Why did you keep me ringing there like a fool?

THE DEVIL

Was that ringing like a fool’s? Suppose you go out now and ring like a sensible person—just to see if I can tell the difference!

[_Fanny appears dumfounded and cannot find words. The Devil smiles encouragingly at her._

AGNUS (_wildly_)

Fanny, I give you my word—

[_Fanny stares at him. Agnus realizes his position and grows shamefacedly silent._

THE DEVIL (_introducing Agnus_)

My friend, Mr. Schwartzenhopfel. A very nice fellow—with a ridiculous name.

[_The light darts at him viciously._

THE DEVIL

Heard me speak so much of you—feels like an old friend.—Call her “Fanny,” Schwartzenhopfel. Call him “Hop,” Fanny—“Hop” for short.

FANNY (_recovering her breath_)

You’ve been drinking!

THE DEVIL

You must learn to love Hop, Fanny. If I should die, I should never want you to marry anyone but Hop. (_With a tremendous slap on Agnus’s back_)

[_The light darts._

FANNY

I can’t understand your conduct, Addington? I’m at a loss!

THE DEVIL

Why—

[_Agnus punches him in the ribs._

THE DEVIL (_recollecting_)

Oh! it’s all right, Fanny. It’s all right! (_Carefully_) Fanny—I—accept—go—and—get—the—others—

FANNY

You _do_ accept?

THE DEVIL

Fanny, I accept. Go and get the others.

FANNY

You accept—

THE DEVIL

Fanny, I accept. Go and—

FANNY (_kissing him_)

You dear old darling!

[_The Devil puts his arm about her with a sly wink at the raging Agnus._

FANNY

Now you can set the wedding for any date you please—next month if you like—

[_The Devil takes his arm away._

FANNY

You’ve made me the happiest girl in the world—(_Kisses him again_)

THE DEVIL (_in a hollow tone_)

Go and get the others.

FANNY

I will. I will. Oh, you dear! (_Kisses him again and goes out through the upper door in the rear_)

[_The Devil turns a look of reproachful and frigid dignity on Agnus. The light dances about in joyful hatred._

THE DEVIL (_to the light_)

Get out of here, you Teutonic accident! (_To Agnus_) Dug a little share for me, didn’t you? Married next month!

AGNUS (_alarmed_)

I don’t want her to marry you.

THE DEVIL

Then why tell me to “accept, Fanny, go and get the others,” eh?

AGNUS

Didn’t have to have time to explain everything to you?

THE DEVIL

What did I accept?

AGNUS

One hundred thousand dollars a year: chief chemist to the John Magnus works—

THE DEVIL

Who are “the others” she went to get?

AGNUS

John Magnus—

THE DEVIL (_interrupting_)

The richest man in the world—isn’t he?

AGNUS (_contemptuously_)

I thought The Devil knew everything—

THE DEVIL

Everything worth knowing—but I can’t keep track of the petty things.

AGNUS

Petty? John Magnus—while not the richest man—controls the money-market. Petty?

THE DEVIL

Any man with brains enough to control money-markets might be a _fifth_-rate scientist, a fourth-rate painter, or a third-rate author! He must be petty if he’s willing to be nothing but a first-class financier. One thing I never was—a financier! Couldn’t waste my time. Financiers, lawyers, stock-jobbers, and thieves generally are the tumors on the human race! When I get through training women, their superman sons will be the surgeons who remove those tumors—(_Suddenly_) I see! She wants you to give up science for a paying job under Magnus—eh?

AGNUS

Why—

THE DEVIL

Enough! What was your line?

AGNUS

Well—to explain quickly—but not quite accurately—immortality—

THE DEVIL

The devil you say! Pardon my using human terms! But—immortality!

AGNUS

I’ve made an animal’s functions live after the animal died.

THE DEVIL

That’s enough. And without my help! Why, that was my very next job! To take some scientist’s body for a few years and start the world on the path toward longer life. Of course, immortality of the body is all rot. It’s bound to wear out some time. But—five hundred years—that’s possible. It would save putting souls back into new-borns. For it takes a hundred ordinary human lives to be ready for Mars. Out of all the billions of men who have lived, we have only a few thousand earth-people up there. The second-rate geniuses—Napoleon, Caesar, George Washington, Tamerlane—all the second-raters—

AGNUS

Napoleon—Caesar—Washington—second-raters?

THE DEVIL

Of course! All the first-raters were—(_points to himself_) All soldiers are second-rate. Just as all financiers are about tenth-rate—compared to the great teachers, who help humanity to progress—like—like—(_struck by a thought_) like you yourself. (_With an access of respect_) Man—I’ll do the right thing by you! Before I quit this body—I’ll give you the secret of making men live half a millennium.

ANGUS (_the man forgotten in the scientist_)

You will? (_Delightedly_) You will?

THE DEVIL (_shakes hands_)

And she was going to make you a hack?

AGNUS

Well, you see, she’s a very superior girl.

[_The Devil snorts._

AGNUS

And I really should give her the surroundings and luxuries that she’s entitled to—being so superior a girl—

[_The Devil snorts again._

AGNUS

And the only money I ever made was that Nobel prize—

THE DEVIL (_starting_)

What? You won the Nobel prize?

[_Agnus nods._

THE DEVIL (_astounded_)

By Saturn, you’re the most startling combination of ass and genius I ever met! Such modesty is actually first-rate—

ANGUS (_deprecatorily_)

Oh, don’t say that—

THE DEVIL

But such infatuation is hundredth-rate. Generally to be met with among the middle classes—that is, the lowest class of intelligence—

AGNUS

The middle class—_lowest_?

THE DEVIL

Creatures of law and respectability always are. Aristocracy is lower-class people getting intelligence. Middle-class people only get money. There are hardly any American aristocrats—and those few live abroad—

AGNUS

Nonsense! You wouldn’t call Miss Felix middle-class.

THE DEVIL

Miss Felix?

AGNUS

The young lady—

THE DEVIL

A person who’d burn up your genius in the fire that boils the pot? Worse than middle-class—worthless—

AGNUS (_violently_)

Sir—

THE DEVIL

How can I get rid of her? For your own sake: how can I get rid of her?

[_Agnus clenches his fists._

THE DEVIL

I must play Davy Garrick again—do something to disgust her—

AGNUS (_violently ironical_)

Just treat her as you did a moment ago.

THE DEVIL

Trouble is: she left this room loving me—twenty times better than she ever loved you. How can I help you—help humanity—with a drab like that at my heels—?

AGNUS

You—(_about to strike_)

THE DEVIL (_laughs_)

Go on: disfigure yourself!

[_Agnus wrings his hands._

THE DEVIL (_crosses and recrosses the room; stares moodily out of window with his hands behind back; then suddenly pointing outside the window_) Who’s that?

AGNUS (_crossing and looking out_)

That actressy-looking creature?

THE DEVIL (_impatiently_)

Yes, yes—who is she?

AGNUS

Looking for lodgings, I believe. Had the impertinence to apply here—

THE DEVIL (_gloomily_)

She’s found them by this time, eh?

AGNUS (_with dignity_)

Nobody here takes lodgers. And the inn—the hotel—is for men only—

THE DEVIL

Hurrah!! (_He dashes out through the door and disappears; his voice is heard outside_) Hi, there! Wait a minute!

[_The light settles sympathetically on Agnus’s shoulder._

AGNUS (_to the light_)

Poor devil! You’re worse off than I am.

[_The light wags dolefully._

AGNUS (_excitedly_)

He’s bringing her back—bringing her—_in_—_here_—

THE DEVIL (_outside_)

This way, Miss Blondin!

[_The Devil enters together with Doll Blondin, who is typical of the Broadway idea of refinement and taste: dark blue Norfolk jacket suit; small French skull-cap with tassel, her curly hair escaping from beneath it; high collar and jabot of lace that falls almost to her belt; short vamp suède pumps without toe-cap; preposterously high Cuban heels. The combination of country suit with city shoes, of jabot and lingerie waist—instead of tailored waist and plain collar and tie—with cap suitable only for evening wear, serve to mark her as one who dresses with instinctive taste but without the consistency of the upper-class woman. However, she is a most attractive girl—about twenty-three—and has an air of sophistication grafted on a babyish ingenuousness, which makes anything she says quaintly pleasing._

DOLL BLONDIN (_turning to The Devil who has been following her in_) I was told here you wouldn’t think of taking lodgers—

THE DEVIL

I wasn’t consulted—I need a pretty girl like you around the house just now.

DOLL BLONDIN (_suspiciously_)

Look here—is there an older woman here—a housekeeper—

AGNUS (_with sudden wild hope_)

No, there isn’t.

DOLL BLONDIN (_to The Devil_)

Well, mind: no tricks!

THE DEVIL (_pained_)

My dear girl!

DOLL BLONDIN

I’m as much the lady (_primly_) as any you know, even if I am on the stage. Anybody ’ud think I was a crocodile or some other wild beast the way people stare. Not used to seeing girls who know how to dress, I guess. What do these rubes know about class?

AGNUS (_in anguish_)

This is impossible!

DOLL BLONDIN (_eyeing him; to The Devil_)

Servant?

AGNUS

Madam!

DOLL BLONDIN

How _dare_ you call me “Madam”—

THE DEVIL

He’s a “rube,” as you say. Worse—a German “rube.”

[_The light darts viciously._

THE DEVIL

The worst kind of a “rube.” (_Going over to the window he calls hastily to Agnus_) Ring for the servant, Schwartzenhopfel!

AGNUS (_violently_)

But I tell you—

THE DEVIL (_pointing to garden_)

Some people coming.

[_Agnus runs over to window; then he runs back and rings wildly._

DOLL BLONDIN

I’m here for studying. (_Severely_) That’s why I left New York where gentlemen know how to treat ladies: real gentlemen—millionaires—that could buy and sell this tank town. One of them gave me this chance; a chance mighty few girls get—a part in a Vienna opera. No objections to a piano, is there?

AGNUS

A piano? A piano!

THE DEVIL

No objection whatever. (_Points to Agnus_) My German friend will tune it for you. One good thing about Germans—they can all tune pianos.

[_The light darts viciously._

TOPLISS (_enters from the stairway; an unintelligent but smart-looking Englishman who wears a morning coat with gilt buttons; says to The Devil_) You rang, sir?

THE DEVIL

The young lady will board here—

[_The bell at the garden door rings._

THE DEVIL (_hastily_)

On whatever terms she says—a room for her piano and her meals—and a bedroom—

DOLL BLONDIN

And bath!

TOPLISS

There’s only two baths, sir—yours and mine—

THE DEVIL

Give her half of yours.

DOLL BLONDIN

Bathe in a servant’s bath-tub! I should say _not_—I’m as much of a lady as—

THE DEVIL (_interrupting_)

I will share yours, Topliss.

DOLL BLONDIN (_contemptuously_)

You _must_ be hard up.

[_The bell is heard ringing again. Topliss goes to answer it._

AGNUS (_agonizedly_)

Show her to her rooms, Topliss.

[_Topliss looks haughtily at Agnus._

THE DEVIL

I’ll see to the door, Topliss.

[_Topliss takes the small hand-bag from Doll Blondin._

DOLL BLONDIN (_to Topliss, loftily_)

Next time you’ll see your master before turning people down.

[_Doll Blondin and Topliss go out by hall door._

THE DEVIL (_running to hall door and calling after Doll_) Come down later and make yourself at home.

[_Agnus seats himself and buries his face in his hands groaning. The Devil goes to door and admits John Magnus, Mrs. Felix and Fanny._

MAGNUS

Tromper, the Judge, and the Professor have gone for a ride around Rothlyn. I thought—this having become a somewhat personal matter—

THE DEVIL (_whispering to Agnus_)

Magnus?

[_Agnus looks up despondently and nods._

THE DEVIL (_to Mrs. Felix, forgetting himself_)

No mistaking you: you’re one of my trained women. Any child you will have—will be worth watching—

MRS. FELIX (_taken aback_)

What! What’s this? What? My poor boy! (_She puts her hand on The Devil’s shoulder_)

FANNY

Addington doesn’t need your pity, mother!

THE DEVIL (_recollecting himself_)

Mother? Fanny’s mother! Oh, but that must have been when you were just a favorite of the harem!

MRS. FELIX (_in amazement_)

Whatever has come over you? You—why, you—well—_you_ of all men! (_She seats herself, staring at him with a sort of fascination_)

THE DEVIL

Your husband—

FANNY

We’ve had enough of poor father for one day, Addington. Let him rest in his grave!

THE DEVIL

In his grave—good! I must find you another husband. One worthy of you. For she (_indicates Fanny_) must be taking after her father.

MRS. FELIX (_rises and goes concernedly to The Devil; puts her hand on his shoulder_) Boy, boy, what is it? _What_ is it? (_Suddenly_) Addington, will you leave the room for a moment and (_looking at Agnus_) take this gentleman with you? I wish to speak privately with—

THE DEVIL

You had plenty of time to speak privately with—before you came in. You think I’ve gone mad, don’t you?

[_Mrs. Felix steps back, showing that she does._

THE DEVIL

You think Fanny’s driven me crazy by making me take Magnus’s offer? Eh? (_Laughs_) Although, who knows? I’ve been called mad many times before. Wisdom is always madness to the ignorant—and anyone too wise for them to understand is a madman. Does this look like a madman? (_Turns to Fanny_) I won’t take Magnus’s offer and I won’t marry you.

MAGNUS (_in amazement_)

You decline—after just accepting?

THE DEVIL

Without thanks! (_To Mrs. Felix, with an air of dismissal_) I hope to see you soon again. Meanwhile, I’ll start hunting that husband for you. (_He smiles amiably while all stare at him speechlessly: all animated by the steadily growing conviction that he is utterly insane—although his final words impress Mrs. Felix_)

MRS. FELIX (_after a breathless pause_)

It’s only a spell. It’ll pass. (_To Agnus_) A trip’s what you need—a _long_ trip. No work. No thinking. Just rest.

THE DEVIL (_amused_)

Still diagnosing insanity?

MRS. FELIX

Oh, no! Everyone has restless spells. The excitement of the Nobel prize—Mr. Magnus’s offer—Fanny—

FANNY

Don’t blame me, mother. I’m sure this is just what I expected—keeping at those horrid microscopes day and night. It was for his own good I advised him to accept.

THE DEVIL

Don’t lie, Fanny.

[_Agnus, agonized, makes gestures for The Devil to stop._

FANNY (_scandalized_)

Addington! If I thought you were responsible for what you’re saying—

THE DEVIL

Now see here—all of you. Here am I—Addington Agnus—the biggest scientist in the world today. And here is Fanny Felix—a mere girl. And because I suddenly realize my own importance and her lack of it, even you (_reproachfully to Mrs. Felix_) think I am mad. Think, woman, think!

MRS. FELIX (_gasping_)

But, Addington—people don’t change their entire personalities in half an hour—not naturally—

AGNUS (_eagerly_)

Of course they don’t! _You_ see it—

MAGNUS (_disregarding Agnus_)

Since the Doctor seems to know his own mind at last, I think we had better leave him before he changes it again—this being the third change in an hour—

THE DEVIL

Don’t go, Mr. Magnus. I’ve got something important to say to you. (_To Fanny_) You can go, though—

[_Fanny has been so dumfounded since The Devil stigmatized her as a “mere girl” that she has been unable to move._

THE DEVIL

Take her along, Mrs. Felix. Try to train her better—

MAGNUS

Dr. Agnus—when you grossly insult two ladies—my friends—

THE DEVIL (_impatiently_)

Well, why don’t they go, then?

FANNY (_recovering herself with an effort_)

Mr. Magnus—I—(_starts for door and opens it_)

[_The Devil has turned back, not even waiting to see Fanny go. Agnus, half starting to detain her, half holding back, is altogether wild. Mrs. Felix tugs at Fanny from the outside._

FANNY (_in a carefully restrained voice_)

Mr. Magnus!

MAGNUS

Coming! (_Starts to go_)

THE DEVIL

A moment, Mr. Magnus. (_Eyes him steadily_)

[_Magnus’s eyes waver._

MRS. FELIX (_coldly_)

When you come to your senses, Fanny, you will find me at Olive’s. (_She goes out_)

FANNY

Mr. Magnus, will you pardon me—a moment. I have one last word to say to this gentleman—one last word—

THE DEVIL

May it be true; but I’m afraid not.—In here, Mr. Magnus. (_Opens hall door_)

[_Magnus attempts to meet The Devil’s gaze and fails. He goes out._

THE DEVIL (_takes out his watch_)

Now, one minute is all I can give you.

[_Fanny, restraining herself as before, points to Agnus._

THE DEVIL

Here, Schwartzenhopfel, get out!

AGNUS (_wildly_)

I will not! Fanny—this is all a mistake. This man is not me—not I, I mean—not—

FANNY (_bitterly_)

Two lunatics!

THE DEVIL (_hustles Agnus to stairway_)

Get out!

AGNUS (_protesting_)

Fanny, I can explain everything—

[_The Devil pushes him up. Agnus ascends the stairs stumblingly._

THE DEVIL (_looks at his watch again—then at Fanny inquiringly; holds watch in hand_) One minute.

FANNY

You lack even the commonest instincts of decency. I’m ashamed to think my name was ever linked with yours.

THE DEVIL (_does not take eyes from the watch during the following colloquy_) Twenty-two and one-half seconds gone.

FANNY (_raging_)

I only want you to know that I loathe and despise you. Thank Heaven, I’m cured of my infatuation. If I were to hear you were dead, it wouldn’t matter to me any more than the death of any other blackguard I had the misfortune to know—

THE DEVIL

Ah, you know blackguards, do you? Thirty-nine and two-thirds seconds gone—

FANNY

What I could have seen in you at any time I don’t know—I wonder at myself—and I laugh—yes, laugh, I tell you—laugh to think I could have been so taken in. I hate you! I hate you!! I hate you!!!

AGNUS (_who has crept down the stairs, reënters_)

Fanny, don’t say that—

[_The Devil picks up from table behind him a brass ornament and throws it—his other hand still holding the watch as before. Agnus disappears in order to dodge the ornament._

FANNY (_raging on through this by-play which she does not observe_) I am going now, never to return. If you should see me again, look the other way unless you wish to be cut before the whole world.

THE DEVIL (_snapping watch_)

Minute’s up. (_He goes to the door to admit Magnus_)

FANNY (_detaining him_)

I haven’t finished yet. (_She changes her attitude_)

THE DEVIL

Oh! you want another minute, eh? (_Takes out his watch again and regards it steadily_)

FANNY

Don’t think I wish to detain you—Oh, no! (_She laughs sarcastically_) Oh, no indeed!

THE DEVIL (_following the second hand of watch with finger while echoing the laugh_) Oh—indeed not! Another ten seconds gone.

FANNY

I only didn’t want your sleep to be troubled—if people without consciences are ever troubled. I didn’t want your sleep to be troubled, I say, with the thought of any girl sobbing in secret. My heart is quite whole, thank you. I have been simply playing a game all along. You flattered yourself I loved you. (_Laughs almost successfully_) Oh, the egotism of you men—

THE DEVIL

And half a minute gone.

FANNY

I never loved you—

AGNUS (_who has crept cautiously down again_)

Don’t say that, Fanny!

[_The Devil throws another brass ornament in the same way as before. Agnus disappears, dodging._

FANNY (_talking on through this incident, which also goes unnoticed by her_) Girls must marry somebody, you know—somebody—not that you should be too much flattered by being called somebody—

THE DEVIL

Thirty-five seconds—and a third—

FANNY (_at a loss_)

No, indeed—(_Pauses_)

THE DEVIL

Oh, yes, I assure you—thirty-five and a third—forty, now—

FANNY

I never loved you—

THE DEVIL

You said that before—

FANNY (_viciously_)

And now I hate you—

THE DEVIL

You said that, too. You seem to be running out of ideas. Fifty-three seconds gone, but I used three seconds myself and hereby credit you with them. Fifty—

FANNY

I am going—

THE DEVIL

And—quite a coincidence—so is the time—

FANNY (_raging again_)

I am going, nev—

THE DEVIL

“’er to return.” Aren’t you going to say _anything_ new?—Too late! Minute’s up! (_Starts for Magnus_)

FANNY (_still unbelievingly_)

You’ll let me go like this—without a word—

THE DEVIL

Without a _word_!

FANNY

Do you realize I am going out of your life forever—

THE DEVIL (_sighing heavily_)

What a chance!

FANNY

Well—I am—I’m going—

THE DEVIL

“Never to return”—don’t say it again—

FANNY

Oh, you are sorry—Oh, Addington! I knew you didn’t mean to be cruel. (_She bursts into tears and throws her arms around him_)

THE DEVIL (_as she hangs about his neck_)

Hell! Or rather: Mars!

[_Agnus, who has crept up from behind, now urgently pokes The Devil in the ribs. The Devil gladly transfers Fanny to him._

AGNUS (_enraptured, forgetting everything_)

Fanny! Fanny! My Own!

FANNY (_looking up_)

Ugh! Ugh! You horrible man!

[_The light darts at her._

FANNY (_wrenching herself loose, pushes Agnus into a chair; then she almost screams with lost self-respect_) Addington Agnus! I’ll never forgive you—never—never—never—(_She rushes out, violently slamming the garden door behind her_)

AGNUS (_collapsing_)

Now, you’ve done it!

THE DEVIL (_irritatedly_)

When she was quarrelling with me, you were protesting. When she tried to make up, you were protesting. And now that she’s gone, you’re protesting.

AGNUS

I’ve lost her—lost her—

THE DEVIL (_grimly_)

Dollars to doughnuts, she’ll find some excuse to come back. I knew a man once who went all the way from San Francisco back to Denver to get a tooth-brush he had left at home. Of course, he didn’t go to see his wife! Oh, no! He had quarrelled with her—hated the sight of her. But how much more he hated losing that twenty-five-cent tooth-brush!

AGNUS

If you think she’ll be back after the way you just treated her, you may know some women, but not well-bred ones—

THE DEVIL (_gloomily_)

“When it comes to a man in the case, they’re as like as a pair of new pins.” I’ll have to spring the little actress on her yet, if I want to get rid of her.

AGNUS

Oh, don’t do that! Don’t let her think it’s on account of another woman—and such a woman—living in the house, too. She’ll never forgive that. No nice woman would.

THE DEVIL

You lamb! I’ve known women—nice women, too, mind you—on whom such a woman—as you call her—acted like a magnet. Not that they wanted to come back! Oh, no! They wanted to save the man from an abandoned creature. (_Instructively_) An abandoned creature, Agnus, is any other woman. No matter how good her character is, they’ll say she’s under cover with enough crime to crowd Callao—

[_There is a knock at the hall door._

THE DEVIL (_ironically looking toward hall door_)

Dear man! The controller of the money-market kept waiting by a mere Nobel prize-winner! Terrible insolence! Get out, Schwartzenhopfel!

[_The light dances defiantly._

THE DEVIL (_pointing to Agnus_)

Oh, I mean—him! And don’t come sneaking down the stairway again, or I’ll do some awful thing to disgrace you forever. Get out! See that the young lady gets her trunks. (_Pushes him off upstairs_) No peeping, mind!

[_Agnus goes disconsolately, looking back as he goes._

THE DEVIL (_to the light_)

Schwartzenhopfel, do you know who’s in there? (_Points to hallway_)

[_The light dances angrily._

THE DEVIL

The man you particularly wanted to blow up with one of your bombs.

[_The light becomes attentive._

THE DEVIL

Can you hear me?

[_The light wags and then remains attentive again._

THE DEVIL

How would you like to have a body again? Eh? A better body than you ever had?

[_The light dances joyfully._

THE DEVIL

Would you be a good Dutchman and do just as I told you?

[_The light wags._

THE DEVIL

Are you sorry for all that swearing and temper you’ve shown since you’ve been a light?

[_The light wags slowly. At that moment the hall door opens and Magnus reënters._

THE DEVIL

I was just—

MAGNUS (_very angry at having been kept waiting_)

Good day to you, sir—

THE DEVIL (_holding his arm_)

Magnus—(_Fixes him with his eyes_)

[_Magnus’s eyes flutter as before. He struggles, but gradually yields to The Devil’s power._

THE DEVIL

Magnus, sit down!

[_The dark of an approaching rain begins and grows gradually all through the ensuing dialogue until rain actually falls._

MAGNUS (_with a flash of natural spirit_)

Be da—

[_He means to say: “Be damned to you”; but The Devil’s eyes drive out defiance. Magnus sits down._

THE DEVIL

Magnus, look at me!

MAGNUS

I—(_He tries to rouse himself, desperately, but sinks back submissively_)

THE DEVIL

Magnus! Look at me!

[_Magnus tries to disobey, but his eyes are literally torn upward and into The Devil’s._

THE DEVIL (_at centre table, turns on electric cigar-lighter—an illuminated disk that burns dully_)

Magnus, look at that light!

[_Magnus is still staring at him._

THE DEVIL

Not me! The light! Saves my energy.

[_Magnus stares still at him. The Devil goes to Magnus and turns his head, arranging it as a photographer does for position. He points his finger along Magnus’s line of vision, turning it toward the luminous disk. Then he sits down, his elbow on the table near the cigar-lighter, and lights cigarette. Leaning his head on his palm, he stares at Magnus in the growing darkness, the red glow of cigarette growing as the light outside begins to die before the rainstorm. This red glow lights up The Devil’s face. The light bobs closer, inspecting and inquisitive._

THE DEVIL

Magnus! When you went to school, they taught you: “Honesty is the Best Policy.” At church: “Love your fellow-men.” You went into business. Two years later—you were a bankrupt. Why?

MAGNUS (_in hypnosis: speaks dully and mechanically_) I wouldn’t buy diseased animals and dye their meat a healthy color with poison.

THE DEVIL

That was being honest. What else? Speak!

MAGNUS (_same tone, but sleepier_) I wouldn’t bring foreign laborers over to do the work cheaper than Americans. The more ignorant citizens, the more rascals in Congress. The more rascals in Congress, the worse laws. The worse laws, the worse country. Worse and worse—until only a revolution could cure it. Out of a revolution—a soldier tyrant—a Napoleon—an Emperor—and three centuries—gone to hell—

THE DEVIL

That was loving your fellow-men. What else? Speak!

MAGNUS (_almost asleep; rouses himself with an effort_) So, without cheap meat and cheap labor, I couldn’t sell at cheap prices. My wife sold her jewels. I kept books for a former rival.

THE DEVIL (_thumbing Magnus’s forehead_)

That’s what you got for being honest and loving your fellow-men, eh? How did you get the courage to be a crook?

MAGNUS

My boy—Charles—consumptive—needed change of air to save his life—Denver—Los Angeles— the Riviera.—A bookkeeper gets twenty a week—(_His head drops on breast again_)

THE DEVIL

No chance there! Well?

MAGNUS (_painfully dragging out the words in spite of intense sleepiness_) _Tried_ to save enough—no use—couldn’t.—So at last moment I falsified books—sent the boy away—(_His head drops_)

THE DEVIL (_revives him_)

Then?

MAGNUS

Speculated—to return first money—won—the fever got me. I took all I could get from the office safe—plunged—won—(_Relapses: head drops_)

THE DEVIL

Honesty ruined you. Stealing made you rich. Loving your fellow-men nearly killed your boy. Hating them saved him—eh? (_Shakes him_)

MAGNUS (_roused, speaks in shrill voice_)

Went back into the old business. Did what others did. Ran the thousands into millions. Bought steel-mills with the millions. Froze the little fellows out.

THE DEVIL

Hating them!

MAGNUS

Hating everybody. Needed banks to swing deals. Gave a million to politicians. United States Treasury made my banks National Banks.

THE DEVIL

National! Ha, ha!—National!

[_Magnus’s head drops on his breast._

THE DEVIL (_reviving him_)

And lent you Government money to run more little fellows out of business, eh?

MAGNUS

When I controlled the clearing-house, I refused some banks clearing-house privileges.

THE DEVIL

That meant: either do as you said or close their doors? When they realized that, you began to control the money-market. The National Currency? You and your friends are the Mint—the Treasury of the Nation. You finance wars—make governments—keep out of office honest men who won’t make the laws you want—(_Revives him_)

MAGNUS (_drowsily_)

No man can be President unless I say so.

[_The light darts at him._

THE DEVIL

You could put all good men in and throw all bad ones out? But, instead, you throw all good ones out and put all bad ones in. Those who will do as you say.

[_Magnus sleeps noisily._

THE DEVIL

Look, Schwartzenhopfel! The Law of the Land—there!

[_Magnus snores. A dim radiance begins to surround his head. The light draws as close as possible. A few splashes of rain fall on the windows._

THE DEVIL (_to the light_)

I am going to teach him that while one cannot be honest in this world—today—dishonesty can be atoned for only by loving one’s fellows more instead of less. And loving, helping—

[_The radiance grows around Magnus. The light draws close to it._

THE DEVIL (_to the light_)

Schwartzenhopfel—come away! Don’t be in too much of a hurry!

[_The light retreats reluctantly._

THE DEVIL (_to the light_)

Disobey me once when you become a controller of money-markets, and—out you go! More: I may leave you to linger around in air until somebody else wears your body out.

[_The light trembles._

THE DEVIL

It is nearly time. Remember what I say. Else better stay as you are for a short time—than for a lifetime! _You_ are only the instrument. I the player.

[_The light wags. The radiance flickers above Magnus’s head. A second light rises slowly to ceiling._

THE DEVIL (_excitedly_)

Now, Dutchman, get ready! Go!

[_The light darts at Magnus’s head. At the same moment the storm breaks with fury. Great splotches of rain are thrown at the window-panes. The house rocks. The light (Schwartzenhopfel) sinks out of sight above Magnus’s head. The figure of Magnus is left in darkness, the only light in the room being the suspended one (Magnus), hanging from the ceiling like a hypnotized bee, and that from the cigar-lighter which falls on the face of the Devil._[2]

[Footnote 2: In referring to the light thereafter, Magnus is meant.]

THE DEVIL

Well, Schwartzenhopfel?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_in Magnus’s body_)

_Ach Gott!_

[_The Devil turns on the electricity in the fringed white candelabrum, whereby the room becomes pervaded with a gentle glow of light. Schwartzenhopfel rises, stretches, pats himself; throws out each leg, each arm; tries to speak, but is overcome with emotion and bursts into tears. From tears he is translated into hysterical laughter. The room begins to grow lighter, but furious rain continues outside. Schwartzenhopfel follows the light around the room, pointing at it derisively, his body doubling up with speechless laughter each time he points. The light moves away with dignity. Finally, to escape persecution, it flies out of the window._

THE DEVIL

Here! That is not right. (_Satirically amused_) Driving a controller of money-markets out into the rain.

[_Schwartzenhopfel, paying no attention, leaps and bounds about the room like an unwieldly baboon. Agnus reënters by hall door._

AGNUS (_shocked_)

Mr. Magnus!

[_Schwartzenhopfel goes on dancing until he sees Agnus in full light. Then seeing himself, in Agnus, he bursts into another roar of laughter, pointing in gleeful derision and following the harassed Agnus around, each time pointing and roaring with laughter, as he did with the light._

AGNUS (_turning_)

Mr. Magnus! (_Solicitously_) What is wrong, sir?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_after another outbreak, hoarsely to The Devil_) Did I walk like that? Look like that? Oh, what liars are looking-glasses!

THE DEVIL

Men don’t see what the mirror shows them. They see what they look to see. A good-looking, intelligent, well-groomed countenance for each.

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to The Devil_)

I don’t blame you for wanting to get rid of that! (_Pokes Agnus with his finger_) Flabby, too.

AGNUS (_gasps out thoroughly shocked_)

You’ve been up to your Devil’s tricks again!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

Better trick for me than for you! Ha! Ha! (_Turns Agnus around, disconsolately_) I don’t look a bit better from the back! (_Solemnly_) I’d hate to see myself undressed.

THE DEVIL

The best part of _you_ is talking right now.

AGNUS (_almost howling_)

Mr. Magnus—what have you done with Mr. Magnus?

[_The light comes flying back through window. The Devil points to it. Schwartzenhopfel points also and begins following the light about as before. The light is about to fly off again in dignity, but pauses at the window._

THE DEVIL

Here! Leave him alone! (_To Schwartzenhopfel_) You didn’t like it when I did it to _you_—

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

That’s why I’m doing it to him. He’s a tyrant, a bloodsucker, a vampire, a murderer of poor men’s souls. He ought to be hung, drawn, quartered, and dynamited. He is—

THE DEVIL

You had better keep those sentiments to yourself. Have you forgotten who you are? With all his sins to answer for?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_ceases suddenly to rail and takes a cigarette which he lights_) I did miss tobacco—

THE DEVIL

How could you miss tobacco without a body?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

It soothes the soul. A fine trick you played me.

THE DEVIL

And a fine trick you played me. Leaving bombs sewn up in your mattress.

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_grinning_)

How the police would like to know where they are. They searched the room today.

THE DEVIL

I shook you just in time—

AGNUS (_turning pale_)

What did you say?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

Searched my room—his room. (_Points to The Devil_) Your room now. Lucky I’m in disguise! (_Taps body_)

AGNUS (_pale and trembling_)

Did they—er—find anything?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_Scornfully_)

Policemen find anything?

AGNUS (_breathing hard_)

Thank God!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

At least not before I flew away.

AGNUS

You left the police there—in your room?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

No, in your room—smoking and trying to think. If they think they can think, what do they think they can think with?

AGNUS (_in trembling tone_)

Where is your room?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

Your room? Why, over the shoemaker’s shop—next block?

[_Agnus sits down unmanned._

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

New York detectives, too. Central-office “dicks.” None of your common country constables or sheriffs for me—I’m a celebrated man.

AGNUS (_in a trembling tone_)

You—you are?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

No, you are. From Maine to Pensacola; from ’Frisco to Vancouver. Nobody makes bombs like old Schwartzenhopfel. I hope they don’t find those seven. They took me three weeks and cost three hundred dollars.

AGNUS

I—I hope they don’t, too. I—I think I’ll go—now—g—go—to bed. (_He starts for the stairway_) I wonder if they’re still there—in your room?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

My dear sir—I am John Magnus. It ain’t _my_ room—

THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)

You might ask Mr. Magnus to go over and find out for you?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

Me? Got a photo of it, haven’t you?

THE DEVIL

No—him! (_Points to the light_)

[_The light contracts and moves to other side of room._

THE DEVIL (_crossing over to it_)

What’s the use being sulky, Magnus? You’re the only one here who can do it without anybody seeing you. Go on! For this poor fellow’s sake anyhow. (_Points to Agnus_) Want to see him in jail?

AGNUS (_approaching the light_)

Mr. Magnus, sir—I had no hand in this—I am as badly off as you—I am Addington Agnus. That man—over there—(_pointing_) is The Devil.

THE DEVIL

Dr. Agnus, please.

AGNUS

He stole my body, too, and made me take this one—

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

Ha! Ha!

AGNUS

And now I find it’s a criminal’s body, and the police are looking for it. Mr. Magnus—please—

THE DEVIL

It will make me more merciful, Magnus.

[_The light moves sulkily to the window. The storm has blown over and the rain is turning to snow. However, the light is bright enough for The Devil to turn out the candles._

THE DEVIL (_to the light_)

When you come back, wag once—like this (_wags head_) if the Dutchman’s mattress is torn up. Twice if it isn’t.

[_The light flies out through the window._

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_throwing up window and calling after the light_) Over the shoemaker’s shop—next block—third floor—you can’t miss it. (_Puts down the window_)

THE DEVIL (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)

Let’s spare his feelings while he’s gone. I wonder how big a check he can write.

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_excitedly_)

I read he could sign one for two million dollars—ready money—a check for two millions—_Ach Gott!_ That was why I wanted to blow him up.

THE DEVIL (_coldly_)

Well, you’ve got your chance now. A chance no anarchist ever had before. You anarchists always complain you can’t get close enough to millionaires. _You’re_ close enough—

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_turning pale_)

What do you mean?

THE DEVIL (_handing him a sharp paper-cutter of steel_)

Dig this (_taps it_) into that—(_Taps Schwartzenhopfel’s heart_)

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_turning pale_)

That would be murder!

THE DEVIL

And what’s throwing bombs?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_protesting_)

I don’t throw ’em. I make ’em. I never threw one.

THE DEVIL

What’s the difference?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

I never sell ’em to blow up people. Only houses and bridges and railroads and—(_vaguely_)—er—places—

THE DEVIL

You just said you wanted to blow up Magnus.

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_hanging his head_)

I don’t blow up nobody!

THE DEVIL (_scornfully_)

Socialist!!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_furiously_)

Socialist? Bourgeoisie! Children! Talkers! Bah!

THE DEVIL (_tapping him_)

Bourgeoisie! Child! Talker! Bah!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

You lie—

THE DEVIL

Do I? (_Offers paper-cutter again_) Prove it! (_Makes the motion of stabbing_) Anarchists claim they wouldn’t let John Magnus live one minute if they had the power to kill him. Here’s the power— (_Offers knife again_)

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

_Teufel! Teufel!_ You _are_ a devil.

THE DEVIL

Dr. Agnus, please! (_He fingers paper-cutter_) You know, when the Anarchist Council hears of the chance you’re throwing away—pouff! That for you—(_stabbing motion_) I don’t know but what they’re right. This is too good a chance to miss. (_He takes Schwartzenhopfel by the collar and flourishes the dagger_)

AGNUS

Here! Quit that! Quit!

THE DEVIL (_fixes him with a look that makes him fall back_) For the sake of the thousands of lives Magnus has taken to make his millions—(_the dagger descends_)

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_on his knees, howling lustily_)

Police! Police! Police!

[_Judge Critty appears at the window looking in from garden, sees the tableau inside without being seen himself, and runs off with a shocked, terrified expression on his face._

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

Police! Police!

THE DEVIL (_throws down the knife and laughs heartily_)

The police? An anarchist bawling for the police! The police! If the Anarchist Council heard that, they’d boil you in Standard Oil. Get up! (_Sneers_) Anarchist!

[_Schwartzenhopfel crawls to his feet shamefacedly._

THE DEVIL (_fixes him with his eye_)

I might have known that a man who makes bombs to blow up—for all he knows—women and children, would be just your kind of a coward! Oh, you human beings! You make me ill! (_He takes a check-book from the pocket of Schwartzenhopfel’s coat_) What did you think I gave you this body for, you fool? To kill it? I need it too much. Where did you read that about the two million check?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

In a London paper.

THE DEVIL

Then there’s a chance, it’s true. If you’d said a New York one—Write!—(_Hands the check-book to Schwartzenhopfel_)

[_Schwartzenhopfel looks inquiringly at him._

THE DEVIL

Pay to Addington Agnus—two million—

[_Schwartzenhopfel writes out the check and signs it._

THE DEVIL

Now endorse it so: “This money is given to Dr. Addington Agnus to further scientific researches of inestimable value. The amount specified need detain no bank official in my employ from cashing it. John Magnus.”

[_Schwartzenhopfel writes while The Devil is dictating._

THE DEVIL (_takes the check and scrutinizes it_)

Look at that, Agnus. You should be the happiest man in the world.

AGNUS (_scrutinizing the check, the man once more forgotten in the scientist_) His signature! Magnus’s! Why, the check’s good!

[_It is now snowing hard, the snow encrusting the windows._

THE DEVIL

Of course it’s good.

AGNUS

But—a forgery!

THE DEVIL

Can you get anybody to believe that coward over there isn’t Magnus? Now, aren’t you glad I happened along this morning?

AGNUS

It means—success—

THE DEVIL

Wiser people—better world—morals adjust themselves. Forty crooks and one honest man in a community, the crooks would elect the honest man—because wisdom teaches them not to trust crooks. The only incurable crime is ignorance!

AGNUS (_protesting_)

The only one!

THE DEVIL

Who ever heard of a professional crook being a murderer, for instance? Only ignorant amateurs—like Schwartzenhopfel here.—If he wasn’t ignorant, he wouldn’t murder.

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

I don’t murder.

THE DEVIL

Tell that to the police. Every bomb you make is a potential murder. Why are they looking for you? Answer!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_reluctantly_)

Somebody used one of my bombs somewhere. I guess somebody else snitched. And they’re trying to get something on me!

AGNUS (_to The Devil, bitterly_)

And you say I ought to be the happiest man in the world—robbed of the girl I love—of my name, my reputation—in danger of arrest, jail, maybe the electric chair! Very happy! Oh, yes! Ha! Ha! Ha! Can’t you give me a broken arm or leg or head to make my happiness complete?

THE DEVIL

But think of the triumph of science. (_Waves the check_) What’s one person’s feelings compared with the good of the world—

AGNUS

Nothing—except when you happen to be that person. (_Feverishly_) What shall I do about the police?

THE DEVIL (_points to Schwartzenhopfel_)

I’ll shift his soul over to his own body and make him pay the penalty of his own crimes—

[_Schwartzenhopfel makes a dash for the door, opens it, and runs wildly out into the snow._

THE DEVIL (_at the door_)

Come back! Come back!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_outside_)

So you can switch souls on me! Not much—

THE DEVIL (_to Agnus, groaning_)

A mad anarchist let loose with a billion dollars! (_Shouting_) Come back! I won’t do it!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_outside_)

My mother always taught me never to put any trust in The Devil.

THE DEVIL (_at the door_)

If you don’t come back, I’ll run the paper-cutter through your real body and rid the earth of you. (_He makes a threatening pass at Agnus with the knife_)

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_outside_)

What do I care? I’ve got a better one, and all the money I want. You won’t be able to get near me. And if you try, I’ll have you put in jail as an anarchist. I’m John Magnus, now. (_His voice comes from farther away_) And Dr. Agnus is the man the police want.

THE DEVIL (_sternly_)

Come back! Or I’ll find a way to make you! Come back!

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_still outside but slightly afraid_)

Promise then! No devil’s tricks! Keep your eyes to yourself.

THE DEVIL

I promise! (_To Agnus_) I need him! He can repudiate that check.

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_still outside_)

How can I believe you!

THE DEVIL (_in awful tones_)

You worm! Doubt me, do you?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_whining_)

All right, Captain: all right! (_He sneaks back, holding up one arm defensively_)

THE DEVIL (_closing door_)

You disobey me again and I’ll make you wish wildcats had stolen you from your mother’s knee.

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_whining_)

Well, who wants to go to jail?

[_The light reappears through the window._

AGNUS (_feverishly_)

There’s Mr. Magnus back. (_Addressing the light_) Mr. Magnus—sir—what—what—is it all right?

[_The light bobs once solemnly._

AGNUS (_relieved_)

It’s all right.

THE DEVIL

He wagged once. That means the mattress is torn up.

AGNUS

I asked him: “Is it all right?” And he nodded. (_To the light_) Didn’t you, Mr. Magnus?

[_The light wags crosswise, as though it was shaking its head._

THE DEVIL

He says “no.”

AGNUS

No? Yes?

THE DEVIL

Look here; we agreed: if the bombs were found, once; not found, twice. (_To the light_) Which is it? Once or twice?

[_The light wags once._

AGNUS (_wildly_)

Oh! oh! oh! I must get away! Hide!

[_Fanny flings open the door without knocking._

THE DEVIL (_to Agnus, indicating her_)

What did I tell you!

[_Agnus stops, forgetting all about the police._

THE DEVIL (_to Agnus_)

Go on! Get away! Hide! Do it!

[_Agnus stares at Fanny. Fanny advances as though searching for something. The Devil looks at her inquiringly._

FANNY (_to Schwartzenhopfel_)

Mr. Magnus, you needn’t think I came back to see him. I left my veil somewhere about.

THE DEVIL (_winking to Agnus_)

Denver to San Francisco—tooth-brush!

FANNY

I wish you’d help me find it and let me go, Mr. Magnus.

THE DEVIL

So you lost your tooth-brush?

FANNY

Mr. Magnus—my veil—

THE DEVIL

Veil—tooth-brush—any excuse will do.

FANNY (_ignoring him_)

Mr. Magnus, your chauffeur says the snow’s getting deep. We should start immediately.

THE DEVIL

You take the car, Fanny. You and your mother. You go back. Mr. Magnus stays here.

[_Schwartzenhopfel smiles weakly._

FANNY

Mr. Magnus—you—staying here—with this person?

[_Schwartzenhopfel smiles more weakly._

FANNY

Not on my account, Mr. Magnus, please. All is over between us.

THE DEVIL (_instructively_)

In moments of anger, the débutante’s language and the shop-girl’s cannot be distinguished. That is because—while débutantes are taught proper language for ordinary things, no one can be taught proper language for extraordinary things. So, as both débutantes and shop-girls read the best-selling novels, both go to them for the language of distress. Hence the similarity. (_With college professor’s gesture_) Class on Feminine Psychology dismissed for the day. Our next subject will be: How to Insult Young Ladies so That They Won’t Come Back.

FANNY

You acknowledge you insulted me then?

THE DEVIL

Cheerfully!

FANNY

You hear that, Mr. Magnus?

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_with a weak smile_)

I hear it.

FANNY

And you—in spite of insults to the daughter of the woman you profess to care for—

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

What! (_He starts violently_)

FANNY

You continue under his roof—

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL

Well, you see, I like the Doc—the Doctor. I am interested in his work. I just gave—

[_The Devil nudges him._

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_brightly_)

Oh, it’s all right, Doctor. I was just going to tell her I gave you a check for two million dollars!

[_Fanny stands speechless._

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_anxiously, seeing The Devil scowling_) Oh, quite legitimate—scientific research. For scientific research—er—rightly researched, you know—what is two million—that is, to me!

THE DEVIL

You fool!

FANNY (_to The Devil_)

Is this so? (_Sees the check in his hand, takes it quickly and stands for a second quiet; then to Schwartzenhopfel, bitterly_) Two million! And I suppose he’s not allowed to spend more than two thousand on himself—and wife—

THE DEVIL (_sotto voce_)

Say “yes.”

SCHWARTZENHOPFEL (_to The Devil_)

What did you say?