Chapter VII: Front Matter (7)

The impression which this reading produced was such as she had never previously felt; the arrow of conviction had pierced her heart, but the feelings excited were more those of joy than of grief. She re-perused the chapter; it disclosed new beauties--it sent forth a still stronger power of excitement. Her soul was alternately elevated and depressed, agonized and composed, as though she had no control over its movements. She recalled to her remembrance those powerful, yet momentary impressions of truth, which she had experienced in former years, when sitting under the ministry of the venerable Newton; and trembled lest those under which she was now labouring should prove equally transient. It was this fearful apprehension which gave her more pain, than a discovery of her moral danger; because she knew that there was salvation for the chief of sinners; but she knew that if these impressions left her they might never return. She arose from the couch of weariness and suffering, and stood resting on the back of her chair, while she gave vent to her feelings in the following form of prayer:--

"Blessed Lord, it is enough! it is too much! Surely there needs not this variety of argument, this importunity of persuasion, to court me to be happy, to prevail on me to accept of pardon, of life, of eternal glory. Compassionate Saviour, my soul is subdued; so that I trust the language of my grief is become that of my submission, and I may say, 'My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed; I will sing and give praise' (Psalm lvii. 7).

"O gracious Redeemer! I have already neglected thee too long. I have too often injured thee; have crucified thee afresh by my guilt and impenitence, as if I had taken pleasure in 'putting thee to an open shame.' But my heart now bows itself before thee in humble unfeigned submission. I desire to make no terms with thee but these--that I may be entirely thine. I cheerfully present thee with a blank, entreating thee that thou wilt do me the honour to signify upon it what is thy pleasure. Teach me, O Lord, what thou wouldst have me to do; for I desire to learn the lesson, and to learn it that I may practise it. If it be more than my feeble powers can answer, thou wilt, I hope, give me more strength; and in that strength will I serve thee. O receive a soul which thou hast made willing to be thine!

"No more, O blessed Jesus, no more is it necessary to beseech and entreat me. Permit me, rather, to address myself to thee with all the importunity of a perishing sinner, that at length sees and knows 'there is salvation in no other.' Permit me now, Lord, to come and throw myself at thy feet, like a helpless outcast that has no shelter but in thy generous compassion; like one 'pursued by the avenger of blood,' and seeking earnestly an admittance into the 'city of refuge.'

"'I wait for the Lord; my soul doth wait; and in thy word do I hope,' that thou wilt 'receive me graciously.' My soul confides in thy goodness, and adores it. I adore the patience which has borne with me so long; and the grace that now makes me heartily willing to be thine; to be thine on thine own terms, thine on any terms. O secure this treacherous heart to thyself! O unite me to thee in such inseparable bonds, that none of the allurements of rank, or of fortune--none of the vanities of an ensnaring world--none of the solicitations of sinful companions, may draw me back from thee and plunge me into new guilt and ruin! 'Be surety, O Lord, for thy servant for good,' that I may still keep my hold on thee; till at length I know more fully, by joyful and everlasting experience, how complete a Saviour thou art. Amen."

As she sat musing on the wondrous scene which had passed before her, adoring the long-suffering which had borne with her follies, and the grace which had so unexpectedly invested the truth with such attractive and subduing power, she was roused by the entrance of her mother. "I hope, my dear Louisa," said Mrs. Holmes, "you have spent a more pleasant day than you anticipated." "I have been more free from pain than usual," she replied; "and upon the whole, the hours have passed away agreeably, though I certainly felt my solitude to be irksome."

Many who have felt the renewing influence of the truth, when looking back to the earlier periods of their history, can recal to their remembrance some text of Scripture, an observation in a sermon, or a remark in conversation, which had an extraordinary effect at the time it was heard; fixing their attention as though it spoke with commanding authority; and which may be regarded as the first strivings of the Spirit of God within them. These sacred occurrences have served as the rallying point of hope, when the mind has been driven to the remotest distance from the faith of Christ; and notwithstanding the preference which may have been given for a season to the pleasures of sin, there has been a secret inclination for those of righteousness--God having implanted a witness in the bosom who has never ceased to warn and to reprove.

Miss Holmes, when about the age of twelve years, heard Mr. Newton make the following remark, in addressing himself to children: "You should treasure up in your memory, while you are young, all the religious knowledge which you can obtain, as it may be of great service to you at some future day, when your attention may be directed to the momentous question of your salvation. You will then, when convinced of sin, and awed by the terrors of the world to come, know how to obtain relief, and be kept from that state of deep perplexity in which many are plunged, who are brought to see their danger, while ignorant of the way of escape."

This judicious remark struck her with peculiar force, and ever afterwards she listened to the preaching of the gospel, in anticipation of the future benefit which she might derive from it. From that moment she lived in the full expectation of the great spiritual change, which was ultimately produced in her mind. Often, at different periods, would she retire from the fascinations of the world to pray for a new heart; and though she had urged her request till hope began to wane, yet she was never permitted to despair of obtaining the blessing. It is true, the paralyzing influence of her new connections and habits had greatly diminished her anxieties and solicitudes for the one thing needful; but the early impressions of its importance which she had received, when listening to the faithful appeals of Mr. Newton, were too deeply imprinted in her heart ever to become obliterated; and though she usually assumed great ease of manners, and wore the smile of complacent cheerfulness, yet beneath these outward appearances there lay concealed a wounded, and at times an agonized spirit. She would sometimes join in the satirical play of wit on the eccentricities of professors, but always discountenanced any attack on the truth or sanctity of religion; and though she was becoming more and more conformed to the world, yet she could not disengage herself from the influence which the powers of the world to come had early acquired over her judgment and her conscience. She had too much religion to be happy with the gay, and too little to be happy with the pious; mingling with each, yet not being able to partake of the enjoyments of either, she was doomed to a life of perpetual mortification.

As her character usually received its peculiar tone and complexion from the society with which she last associated, it was perpetually varying from gay to grave and from grave to gay; her spirits would occasionally rise to the highest mirth, and then sink to the lowest depression; sometimes she appeared open and bland, at other times reserved and gloomy; alternately devoting herself to the pleasures of the world, and the external exercises of religion, it was not till after she became a new creature in Christ Jesus, that her most intimate friends could ascertain the real cause of such extraordinary changeableness in her character.

The impressions of Divine truth on the heart, when produced by a supernatural power, are deep and permanent; but when they claim no higher origin than the agency of man, they soon pass away like the morning cloud and early dew, and leave no trace of their existence. They may, during their continuance, induce an order of thought and reflection, in strict accordance with the general tenor of the Scriptures, but they effect no real change in the heart or character. As they bear a resemblance when they are first received, and at successive periods, to the operations of the Holy Spirit, they are frequently mistaken for them, and a profession of religion made under their influence is often abandoned as soon as they subside. Hence the annals of the Christian church record the names of many who have outlived their avowed attachment to the faith of Christ; and the most awful passages of the sacred volume are directed against those who, after pleading its promises, with the hope of obtaining eternal life, relapse into a course of worldliness or infidelity.

It was under a trembling apprehension of the transitory nature of her religious convictions and feelings, that Miss Holmes formed a resolution to make no reference to them, till by a process of trial she had acquired some satisfactory evidence of their permanency. She remembered an observation which she once heard the venerable Newton make, when preaching on the parable of the sower:--"Genuine religion is distinguished from that which is spurious, not so much by the dissimilarity of its first impressions, as by its power to resist temptation, and to bring the dispositions of the heart into subjection to the authority of Jesus Christ."

Her indisposition, though severe and protracted, was at no period considered dangerous; it kept her away from the scenes of gaiety to which she would otherwise have been exposed, and gave her an opportunity of devoting her attention more calmly and dispassionately to that subject which now began to appear pre-eminently interesting and important. She knew that her sins were more in number than she could calculate, and that the sentence of condemnation which stood recorded against her might be executed without any impeachment of the justice or benevolence of God; but such was the strength of her faith in the efficacy of the Saviour's death, and in the power of his intercession, that she "was filled with all peace in believing, abounding in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost." Her transition from a state of nature to a state of grace--from vain and passing pleasures to those of religion--from the delusive charms of the visible to the more attractive glories of the unseen world, was sudden, but tranquil--unattended by those deep convictions of guilt and that overpowering apprehension of future condemnation which sometimes torture and distract the mind of the young disciple. This was primarily owing to the accurate knowledge of the scheme of salvation which she had acquired by sitting under the enlightened ministry of Mr. Newton; for while it must not be concealed, that the beginning and consummation of personal religion in the heart is to be attributed to the immediate action of a supernatural power, yet it is equally evident that its progress in allaying the fear that produceth torment, in instilling the peace which passeth all understanding, and in elevating and fixing the affections on things above, is usually in proportion to the accuracy and extent of the theological information which is possessed.

"Many," says an interesting writer, "are too prone to look for a conversion always uniform, not only in its effects, but in its operation, and too much bordering on the miraculous. The soul must be first overwhelmed with fear--then pierced by grief and anguish--then plunged into despair--then suddenly filled with hope, and peace, and joy; and the person must be able to determine the day on which, and the sermon, or the paragraph, or the providence by which the change was wrought. But this is by no means necessarily, or generally the case. There is a variety in the temperaments and habits of men, and in the methods employed to bring them to repentance. We should remember that there are differences of administration, but the same Lord; that often he prefers to the earthquake, the wind, and the fire, the small still voice; that he can draw by the cords of love and the bands of a man; that he can work as effectually by slow as by instantaneous exertions; and that he may change the soul in a manner so gradual and mild, as to be scarcely discernible to any but the glorious Author. And here we are furnished with evidence from analogy. In nature some of God's works insensibly issue in others, and it is impossible for us to draw the line of distinction. The path of the just is as the shining light, which shineth more and more unto the perfect day. But who can ascertain which ray begins, or which ends the dawn? If you are unable to trace the progress of the Divine life, judge by the result. When you perceive the effects of conversion, never question the cause. And if perplexed by a number of circumstantial inquiries, be satisfied if you are able to say, One thing I know, that whereas I was once blind, now I see."

The chastened seriousness of spirit which Miss Holmes exhibited, and the new course of reading which she adopted, induced the family to suppose that she was taking a religious turn, though she cautiously abstained from making any reference to it. She felt convinced that some essential change had taken place, yet at times she doubted if it was anything more than the effect of her own spontaneous thoughts and reflections; and as she had, more than once, experienced a mental excitement of a similar nature, she rejoiced with trembling. She knew that the righteous hold on their way, because they are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation; but as she was often perplexed, when endeavouring to ascertain whether she belonged to that specific denomination of character, she could not anticipate the issue of her impressions with unmingled satisfaction. She felt a distaste for those objects of pursuit and sources of gratification which had acquired such a powerful ascendency over her; and now she longed to partake of the more refined enjoyment which results from communion with the members of the household of faith and the public exercises of devotion; but she dreaded the prospect of coming into contact with the world, lest another relapse of feeling should take place, which would leave her still more insensible than ever to the unseen realities of eternity.

The Saviour, in his various offices, was now precious to her, as he is to all them that believe. She dwelt with holy awe and delight on that union of majesty and condescension, purity and compassion, justice and grace, which he displays in his mediatorial character; but she was apprehensive, that when exposed to the rival influence of temporal pursuits, her mind would again be enslaved by their charms, and she would lose the relish she now felt for her new themes of contemplation and enjoyment.

Thus it is wisely ordained, that at every period in the experience of the Christian, there shall be some circumstances to perplex his judgment--some uncertainty to darken his prospect--some apprehensions to disturb his peace, to convince him that here 'perfect bliss cannot be found;' and that no attainments, however high--that no anticipations, however bright and animating--are capable, while we are encompassed with infirmities, of yielding unmingled satisfaction and delight. At times Miss Holmes felt very anxious to disclose to some one the change through which her mind was now passing, that she might have the advantage of Christian sympathy and guidance; but the perplexing question was, to whom should she make the communication. She often thought of speaking to her mother, but when she made the attempt, her courage failed her. At length she addressed the following letter to her friend Mrs. Loader, who had evinced so much solicitude for her spiritual welfare:--

"THE ELMS, _16th Oct., 18--_.

"MY DEAR FRIEND,--I am much obliged by your affectionate
epistle, which I received on the 10th; and I regret that you
should deem any apology necessary for the introduction of that
specific advice which it contains. My obvious indifference to
the momentous question of personal religion, and my growing
conformity to the customs and habits of the gay world, must,
I have no doubt, have given you very considerable uneasiness;
and I assure you that it often plunged me into the deepest
depression of spirit. I was often cheerful, but never happy;
often trying fresh expedients to divert my attention from what
I deemed _the gloomy subject_, but never could succeed; and
though I became more insensible to the attractions of religion
as I grew in years, yet I exposed myself more frequently to
the keenness of its reproofs and the awful terrors of its
threatenings. My associates, who had not had the privilege of a
pious education, could enjoy the world, and treat with levity
the prohibitory injunctions of the Scriptures, but I could not.
I never could divest myself of the full conviction that God has
the first claim on the affections of the heart; and that he has
appointed a day when every human being 'must appear before the
judgment-seat of Christ; that every one may receive the things
done in his body, according to that he hath done, whether it be
good or bad.' These thoughts would rush into my mind, not only
when alone, but also when in the midst of the gayest company,
and by no expedient could I succeed in driving them away.

"It was under the most agonizing mental conflict I ever
sustained, that I hailed our tour to the west as likely to
dissolve the fatal charm by which I was subdued and enslaved;
but I found, on my return, that my _heart_ had undergone no
change, as I often secretly anticipated a re-entrance into
those scenes which my conscience so severely condemned. I once
heard Mr. Newton remark, that as our dangers often spring out
of our comforts, so the greatest blessings sometimes grow out
of our heaviest afflictions. The correctness of this remark I
can _now_ attest from experience. It was on our return from
Devonshire that I met with the accident which has confined me a
close prisoner for more than two months; but to that accident
which I called disastrous, I owe all my present happiness and my
prospect of eternal glory.

"You express a hope that I have given the book which you so
kindly presented to me, a candid perusal, presuming that no
season can be more favourable for such subjects of inquiry than
those which we denominate afflictive. Yes, my dear friend, I
have read it, though I felt such a reluctance to do so that I
put it from me several times; and had not my word stood pledged
to read it, I had still been a stranger to its soul-stirring
contents. I read on carelessly till I came to the tenth chapter,
when the subject fixed my attention, and I hope penetrated
my heart. Then I _felt_ that I was a sinner--then I _felt_
that I stood solitary and alone, in the immediate presence of
my Legislator and my Judge, confounded, because righteously
condemned--then I _felt_ that I needed a Saviour. I have had
many strong convictions of the truth and the necessity of
religion in the earlier seasons of my life; but those produced
on this occasion were more clear, and full, and impressive, than
any that ever preceded them. They came with an authority which
I could not resist; they prevented all vacillation of mind,
and constrained me, with a force which I had no disposition to
withstand, to yield to their power; and though my evil heart
of unbelief would sometimes suggest that all is a delusion,
artfully practised on my imagination by Satan, who sometimes
transforms himself into an angel of light, yet I can say, in
reference to Him who is the chief among ten thousand--'Whom
having not seen, I love; in whom, though now I see him not, yet
believing, I rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory.'

"When, my dear friend, I received that present from your hand,
I did not calculate on the effects which it was ordained to
produce; for though I feel unworthy of the notice of the Friend
of sinners, yet, on reviewing the recent change which has taken
place in my sentiments, my taste, and my feelings, I cannot
avoid ascribing it to his sovereign and predetermined will.
But though I am fully convinced that a great change has been
produced, yet I must not conceal from you the dread I sometimes
feel lest it should prove only a momentary excitement. I now can
see the vanity of the world; but shall I do so when I am again
able to go about? I now can consecrate myself to the service of
the Redeemer; but shall I have courage to take up the cross and
follow him, when again enticed to mingle with the gay votaries
of fashion? It is not my province to dictate to infinite Wisdom,
nor prescribe the method by which my religious principles shall
be tried; but it is my earnest, and my daily prayer, to be kept
within the walls of my solitary retreat, till He whose I am, and
whom I wish to serve, has prepared me to resist every temptation
by which I may be assailed, and to perform every duty which may
devolve upon me.

"Now that I have given you this explanation, you will doubtless
be able to account for that singular variation in my disposition
and manners, which you must have so often noticed; but if
you had known the strange revulsion of feeling to which my
poor unhappy mind was perpetually subjected, you would have
considered it as perfectly natural. I am by nature a child
of imitation--apt to catch the spirit and temper of those
with whom I come into contact--easily captivated by imposing
manners--averse to all appearance of singularity--volatile and
impetuous in my disposition; yet at the early age of twelve,
I was so powerfully impressed with the truth and necessity of
personal piety, that I do not think I ever spent a day without
giving it my most serious attention. Hence, when carried away
by the example of others to scenes of gaiety, my spirits would
naturally rise to a high pitch of feeling, yet on returning to
my graver and more important subjects of reflection, I felt so
abased and confounded--so terrified and alarmed in prospect of
futurity, that I could scarcely endure the anguish I was doomed
to suffer. I do not know that I can better describe the state of
my mind, than by quoting the language of Dr. Watts, with a few
slight alterations:--

'I was a helpless captive, sold
Under the power of sin:
I could not do the good I would,
Nor keep my conscience clean.

'My God, I cry'd with fervent breath,
For some kind power to save,
To break the yoke of sin and death,
And thus redeem the slave.'

"The charge which is often brought against religion, as
tending to abridge our comforts, and induce a melancholy and
dejection of spirit, I can repel from experience. Infallible
Truth declares, that her ways are ways of pleasantness, and her
paths are paths of peace; and now I know, and feel it. My mind,
which has been tossed about on the surging billows of doubt and
perplexity, has at last gained that haven of rest, where, I
trust, it is destined to remain.

"No one of my family has any knowledge of the present state
of my feelings, as I have cautiously abstained from making
any allusion to religious subjects; not because I am ashamed
of religion, but because I am unwilling to make a premature
profession; and though perhaps you may censure me for
withholding from my dear parents a communication which is so
calculated to give them pleasure, yet if I should be permitted,
after having made it, to relapse into my former course of
gaiety and folly, the disappointment will be so great that it
may entail on them perpetual sorrow. Pray that I may be kept
in the evil hour--that I may be enabled to walk circumspectly
towards them that are without--that I may have courage to make
a profession of my attachment to the Lord Jesus, and grace to
adorn it, and at length be presented faultless before the
presence of his glory, with exceeding joy.

"I need not say how acceptable another letter from you would be;
but I certainly should prefer a personal interview, if you could
make it convenient to pay us a visit. I am happy to inform you
that I am much better, and that all the rest of the family are
well.--Yours affectionately,

LOUISA.

"To Mrs. Loader."

True piety does not act to be seen of men, nor speak to gain their applause; but though for a season it may remain unobserved, yet the meekness of its spirit and the lustre of its character are marks by which it will always indubitably be known. For the reasons which have been previously assigned, Miss Holmes had abstained from communicating to her family the change which had taken place in her sentiments and feelings; but she was not able to conceal from them the external proofs of it which her conduct and her occasional conversation necessarily supplied. As she was reserved on the subject, so were her parents; and though they felt anxious to ascertain if her great seriousness of manners was anything more than a recurrence of her former deep depression of spirit, yet they knew not how to do it.

It often happens that young persons can make a more free statement of their religious experience to strangers or distant friends than they can to their own parents; but this in general argues some essential defect in the bringing up and arrangements of the family. There may be, I grant, on the part of the child, in the earlier stages of his experience, a reluctance to disclose to any one "the secret movements and operations of his heart towards the best of Beings;" but if Christian parents were to incorporate, in their course of religious instruction, the habit of a free and unreserved conversation on the practical effects of truth, and if they would occasionally retire with their children, to pray _with them_ and _for them_, specifically and alone, it would imperceptibly beget such a union and intimacy of spirit, that _they_ would be no less anxious to unburden to them the anxieties and sorrows of their heart, than the parent would feel delighted to become their spiritual counsellor and friend.

When Miss Holmes was sitting with her mother, one Sabbath evening, an allusion happened to be made to the sermon which had been preached at church, and with which Mrs. Holmes expressed her dissatisfaction. "Perhaps," remarked Louisa, "it would be difficult to procure a more pleasant residence than our own, or one which is more conducive to our general health; but I assure you that I often deplore the consequences which must inevitably result, from our being deprived of the privilege of attending an evangelical ministry."

"It gives me pleasure, my dear, to hear you deplore the loss of such a privilege, as it is a proof that you value it."

"Yes, Mamma, I do value it, but now, alas! I have no prospect of enjoying it. Yet I feel more for others, than I feel for myself, especially for the junior members of our family; as I fear, now that they are removed from the restraints which pure evangelical truth imposes on the heart and conscience, they will devote themselves to the pleasures of the world, which will give them a distaste for those of religion."

"And does my dear Louisa then prefer the pleasures of religion to those of the world?"

"I trust, Mamma, I do; though I am almost afraid to speak with confidence on such a delicate and important question. I know from past experience, that there may be deep religious impressions, and powerful religious excitement, even while the heart retains all its evil propensities and antipathies; but I hope it hath pleased God to employ my late affliction as the means of bringing me into fellowship with himself, and his Son Jesus Christ. I murmured when he smote me, but now I can say, 'I know, O Lord, that thy judgments are right, and that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me. Before I was afflicted I went astray; but now have I kept thy word.'"

"Both your father and I have thought," said Mrs. Holmes, "that God was dealing graciously with your soul, and we have often prayed that you might come out of this affliction a new creature in Christ Jesus; yet we could not overcome the strange reluctance we felt to speak to you on the subject; but as it hath pleased God to answer our prayers, I must convey the glad tidings to your father, who will embrace you as one alive from the dead."

"As you have drawn me into a premature disclosure on this subject, I certainly cannot object to your communicating to my dear father the substance of our conversation, but I must request that you will take no notice of it to any other person. For if I should now make a profession of religion, and on the return of health and energy, should relapse into my former course of gaiety and folly, I shall do essential injury to others."

"But, my dear, you may be 'confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.'"

"Yes, I know, that when the work of grace is begun, it will be carried on, notwithstanding the various impediments which may obstruct its progress, or the artifices which may be employed by the great adversary to effect its destruction; but I am not quite satisfied that what I feel _is_ the work of grace. It may be nothing more than the effect of my own fears; and if so, it will disappear as soon as they subside; or it may be the necessary consequence of that train of serious thought and reflection, which a lengthened indisposition generally originates; and if so, every trace of its existence will be obliterated, when I again intermingle in the pursuits of active life."

"But have you not, my dear Louisa, _tasted_ that the Lord is gracious, as well as _felt_ his terrors which have made you afraid? and can you, on cool reflection, suppose that He will ever abandon you, now that you have surrendered your heart to him?"

"I have felt none of the terrors of religion, which may be an essential defect in my experience; and the excitements which I have ascribed to the love of God shed abroad in my heart by the power of the Holy Ghost, may prove the momentary joy of the stony-ground hearer, in whom the seed of truth could not thrive, because it took no root. If, after a period of trial, I am induced to believe that I have felt the renovating power of Divine grace, I trust that I shall then have courage given me to make a decided profession of the faith of Christ, without regarding the remarks to which it may subject me; but till then, it is my earnest wish, that you intrust to no one but my dear father the communication which I have almost unintentionally made to you. I have seen so many throw off their religious profession, and return to the course which they had abandoned; and I have such a dread of apostasy, that it is my fixed determination to have some practical proof of the efficacy of my principles to resist temptation, and bring the dispositions of my heart into subjection to the authority of Jesus Christ, before I make any profession."

"I approve, my dear, of your decision; but while jealous of yourself, you must guard against mistrusting the faithfulness and loving-kindness of God your Saviour, who has pledged his honour to keep you by his power through faith unto salvation."

CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE.

The scene which opens on the imagination of the young Christian is often so beautiful and enchanting--it so deeply fixes his attention, and enchains his affections--that he turns with an eye of comparative indifference from the objects and pursuits to which he has been previously devoted, under a full conviction that they cannot _now_ yield him the gratification they once did; and that he cannot _now_ derive permanent happiness, except from that new source of felicity which he has discovered. It is, when he is under these novel and powerful impressions, that the long neglected Bible discloses new beauties; no theme of meditation or discussion presents any subduing charm in comparison with Christ Jesus, and him crucified; and having felt the transition from a state of spiritual death to a newness of life, to be attended by such hallowed emotions, he is in danger of anticipating too large a portion of spiritual enjoyment, which not unfrequently becomes the occasion of great mental perplexity, and sometimes of deep depression.

During the continuance of her indisposition Miss Holmes felt so intensely interested in reading her Bible, that she might clearly understand the sublime theory of the Christian faith, and so absorbed in her spiritual exercises, that her health sustained some injury by the severity of her application. As a very natural consequence, a shade of melancholy was cast over her spirit. She was forewarned of the possibility of such an effect being produced; but the usual apology which she made to her pious mother was, "Can I take too much interest in that important subject, into which angels desire to look? or can I ever hope for a more favourable time for its investigation than the present, when I am precluded from mingling in the employments or the amusements of the world?"

The following form of self-dedication to God she now drew up and signed, having vowed in the most solemn manner to observe it to the full extent of her pledge:--

"Eternal and unchangeable Jehovah! thou glorious Creator of heaven and earth, and adorable Lord of angels and men, I desire with the deepest humiliation and abasement of soul, to bow down at this time in thine awful presence, and earnestly pray, that thou wilt impress my heart with a clear perception of thine unutterable and inconceivable glories.

"To thee do I now come, invited by the exceeding great and precious promises of thy Word; trusting for acceptance in the efficacy of the Saviour's death, beseeching thee to 'be merciful unto me a sinner.' The irregular propensities of my depraved nature have in ten thousand aggravated instances wrought to bring forth fruit unto death. And if thou shouldst be strict to mark my offences, I must be silent under a load of guilt, and immediately sink into destruction. But thou hast graciously called me to return to thee, though I have been a backsliding child. I come unto thee, O Lord, convinced not only of my sin, but of my folly; and while I implore mercy through the mediation of Jesus Christ, I would be no less importunate for the purifying influences of the Holy Spirit, that I may be entirely conformed to thee. Permit me to bring unto thee those powers and faculties which I have ungratefully alienated from thy service; and receive, I beseech thee, thy poor revolted creature, who is now convinced of thy right to her, and who desires nothing in the world so much as to be thine.

"I bring to thee a dark benighted mind, to be illuminated with Divine knowledge. Thou hast the words of eternal life; I therefore resign my understanding to thy teaching. I bring to thee a corrupt and deceitful heart; do thou cleanse and make it upright before thee. Do thou expel all the evils which lurk within it, and make it a temple for thyself. May the same mind which was in Christ Jesus be in me. May I possess the same humility which he displayed, the same indifference to the riches and the pleasures of the world, the same spirit of zeal for thine honour, and of benevolence towards man. May I ever wear the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit; be enabled to adorn the profession which I hope to make; and finally be admitted into the kingdom of my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

"And I do now most solemnly give myself unto thee, as one whom thou hast made alive from the dead, with a firm and unalterable determination to live devoted to thee; loving thee supremely, walking in thy fear, and glorifying thee in my body and my spirit, which are thine."

The practice of self-dedication, which is often recommended to the young Christian, may tend to increase his reverence for God, and to make him more watchful over his own spirit; but unless he has very clear perceptions of the way of salvation, it may be productive of essential spiritual injury. For though we are told in the most express language, that "we are saved by grace through faith, and that not of ourselves, it is the gift of God; not of works, lest any man should boast;" yet when the distinction between obedience, as the fruit of faith, and obedience as the hope of reward, is not accurately and perpetually observed, there is a danger of contracting a self-righteous spirit, which by aiming at personal perfection for ostentatious display, or as a source of mental confidence, may bring the soul into a state of spiritual bondage.

Miss Holmes having most solemnly dedicated herself to God, and formed a sanguine opinion of the high capabilities of the renewed mind, began to prescribe a set of rules for her self-government, which she resolved to observe. If these rules had related merely to her conduct in social life, she might have kept them; but as they included the regulation of the disposition, and the frame of her mind towards God, they were founded on a mistaken conception of her own ability. They imperceptibly diverted her attention from the perfect righteousness of Jesus Christ, by faith in which sinners are accepted and justified, to a laborious effort to attain a high degree of sinless excellence; and as she progressively discovered so many, and such lamentable defects in her obedience, the peace of mind which she enjoyed when "first she knew the Lord" was destroyed, and she gradually sunk into a state of despondency. By making this fatal, yet common mistake, she was led to the conclusion, that the attainments of the genuine Christian were placed beyond her reach, and that it would be an act of presumption if she attempted to acquire them.

An evangelical ministry is instituted to promote the edification of them that believe, no less than to convert sinners from the error of their ways; to guard them against those misconceptions of truth, which may prove injurious to their happiness and spiritual prosperity; and to explain that mysteriousness which rests over their earlier experience, when there is a constant, and often a rapid interchange of hope and of fear, of sorrow and of joy, of a bright prospect of future blessedness, and a foreboding apprehension of future woe. Those who attend such a ministry, partake of the advantages of it, without being conscious of the benefit which they receive; but if indisposition, or any other circumstance, prevent a Christian from availing himself of this ordinance of grace, he may linger for a long time, especially in the earlier stages of the spiritual life, in a state of great mental perplexity, and may gradually sink into a morbid depression, without being able either to remove or account for it.

Domestic engagements prevented Mrs. Loader from paying a visit to the Elms; but the following letter is a proof of the deep interest which she took in the welfare of her friend, and also of her ability to give her judicious counsel:--

"MY DEAR LOUISA,--I am fearful lest you should construe my
silence into indifference; but I flatter myself, that the
following explanation will protect me from such an imputation.
I was from home when yours of last month arrived; and since my
return, family matters so engaged my attention, that I have
been prevented replying to it. It is impossible for words to
express the pleasure I felt on the perusal of your first very
interesting letter; and though the degree of that pleasure was
somewhat diminished on the reception of your second, yet I
cannot refrain from offering you my sincere congratulations,
on account of what the Lord has done for you, and is still
doing. Clouds and darkness are often round about him, while
he is silently and unobserved carrying on his own work; and
when it is not in our power to trace the operation of his
hand, we are required to stand still, and he will show us his
salvation. In the early experience of the Christian there are
many circumstances which perplex and confound him, and which
appear to place his good hope in the most imminent danger; but
it is the province of faith calmly to wait the issue, which is
certain, and will be glorious.

"I am not surprised, my dear Louisa, that you should regret
having made what you call a premature disclosure of your
Christian experience, especially as you begin to entertain some
strong doubts of its being genuine. This is very natural, and
very common. If the experimental influence of the truth fell
under the immediate observation of our senses, we should be
able to mark its progress with the most perfect accuracy; but
as the seat of its first and most powerful operations is the
heart--that province which the eye can never penetrate; and as
it merely diffuses itself over the exercise of our intellectual
and moral faculties, without acting alone, and independently of
them, we almost necessarily, at times, suspect whether we have
ever felt it. It is true, we may see a change in our conduct,
and a change in the disposition and temper of our mind; but as
this uniformly takes place in consequence of our full conviction
of its propriety, we may, especially in a gloomy hour, be
incapable of tracing it up to a supernatural cause.

"The first impressions of Divine truth on the heart are
generally strong and deep--they produce a powerful excitement
of the affections; and such is the intense degree of interest
which is sometimes felt at such a period, that no variation
is anticipated, except it be some higher and more blissful
elevation of soul--some ascent to a spiritual Pisgah, from
whence the lot of our future inheritance with the saints in
light may be clearly seen. But when the mind becomes more
familiar with the sublime truths of religion, they lose somewhat
of their novelty; and though they still retain their ascendency
over the judgment, yet the impressions which they produce become
less powerful. This change in the feelings often induces the
young Christian to suspect, that the cause of its original
production must be found, not in the grace of God, but the
uninfluenced operations of his own faculties and passions. It is
when the mind is thus variously exercised, that the invisible
enemy of our peace often comes to augment our perplexity, by
insinuating, that if we were renewed, the fact of our renovation
would be so conspicuous, that we could never doubt it--that
if we did really love the Lord, our love would glow with
undiminished ardour--that if our faith were genuine, we should
never be permitted to stagger at any of the promises of God
through unbelief--that if we were made partakers of the Divine
nature, we should for ever escape the corruption that is in the
world--and if our spiritual emotions were actually produced
by the operation of a supernatural power, they would neither
subside nor fluctuate.

"If then, my dear Louisa, you should doubt, where others have
doubted before you, and if you should feel those causes of
perplexity and depression operating on your mind, under which
the faithful in Christ Jesus in every age have laboured, you
ought to comfort yourself by the reflection that you are now
passing through the usual trials of Christian experience. If you
had no doubts, you would have cause to fear; and if you knew no
change of feeling, you would have cause to suspect your change
of heart.

'Come then--a still, small whisper in your ear,--
_She_ has no hope, who never had a fear:
And _she_ that never doubted of _her_ state,
_She_ may perhaps--perhaps _she_ may, too late.'

"I am happy to find, by your last letter, that you have
disclosed the state of your mind to your dear parents; for
while I certainly approve of the motive which induced you to
conceal it from them, yet I think you have acted wisely in
breaking through your resolution. As they so often wept over
you, when you were living without God, and without Christ in
the world; and have, with so much fervour, intermingled their
supplications at the footstool of the Divine throne for your
conversion, it would have been an act of unkindness to have kept
them in a state of ignorance on a subject in which they are so
deeply interested. You should communicate to them not only the
general fact, that you are _now become 'a fellow-heir of the
grace of life,'_ but also the perplexities which disquiet and
depress you, as they are so well qualified to give you that
instruction and consolation which you may require. It is by
giving vent to the feelings of the soul, that we gain relief
from our most poignant griefs; and though you perhaps can more
readily communicate your experience to an absent friend than
to your own parents, yet, if you make the effort, the barrier
which obstructs an unreserved disclosure of all you feel, and
all you fear, will soon be broken down, and then your spiritual
intercourse will be free and unfettered. It will require, on
your part, I have no doubt, a great sacrifice of feeling, to
take the step which I now venture to recommend; but you know who
has said, My grace shall be sufficient for thee--as thy day,
thy strength shall be; and if you by prayer and supplication
with thanksgiving, make your request unto Him, He will give you
wisdom and strength to follow the advice I now offer.

"I have often regretted your removal from London, especially
when I found that you are not favoured with an evangelical
ministry in the church. This circumstance must operate as a
serious drawback upon your social happiness; and now you are
brought to feel the importance of religion, I am not surprised
that you should deeply deplore it. You ask me what you are
to do, now you are able to attend public worship. This is an
important question, but I feel no hesitation in giving you the
advice which I have given to others, who have been placed in
similar circumstances. If there be no Dissenting chapel within
a convenient distance, in which the gospel is preached, go to
your parish church as usual, to avoid the appearance of Sabbath
profanation; but if there be one, I think it your duty to attend
there. I do not recommend you to secede, for the mere sake of
secession; but for your spiritual improvement, which will depend
more on a pure evangelical ministry, than any other secondary
cause. Some, I am aware, would urge you to prefer your parish
church to a Dissenting chapel, even if the minister be an
irreligious man, and to stay there till it shall please God to
introduce the gospel into it; but as it is not in my power to
reconcile such advice with the injunction of our Lord, _Take
heed what ye hear_, you cannot expect that I can approve of such
a course. The eminently devout Christian loves the habitation
of the Lord's house, and the place where his honour dwelleth;
but we have no reason to believe that God visits any place with
the manifestations of his love, where the minister does not
preach salvation by grace through faith. But suffer the word of
exhortation. You are now coming out amongst the difficulties
of a public profession of religion; one friend may recommend
you to adopt one plan, and another, another; and the more you
consult, the more you may be perplexed, till at length you may
be incapable of coming to any decision. To obviate this evil,
go and meditate seriously on the following passage--'Trust in
the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own
understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall
direct thy paths.' Reduce to practice the admonition of the wise
man, and you will find that the Lord will give wisdom, as well
as strength.

"I am much obliged by your kind invitation to the Elms, and
intend, as soon as I can leave home, to pay you a visit, when
I hope to find you in perfect health. Remember me very kindly
to every member of your family, and believe me to be, yours
affectionately,

E. LOADER."