Chapter C

[Footnote 1: Swift writes to Stella, in his Journal, 28th April, 1711:

'The SPECTATOR is written by Steele, with Addison's help; 'tis often
very pretty. Yesterday it was made of a noble hint I gave him long ago
for his Tatlers, about an Indian, supposed to write his travels into
England. I repent he ever had it. I intended to have written a book on
that subject. I believe he has spent it all in one paper, and all the
under hints there are mine too; but I never see him or Addison.'

The paper, it will be noticed, was not written by Steele.]

[Footnote 2: The four kings Te Yee Neen Ho Ga Prow, Sa Ga Yean Qua Rash Tow, E Tow O Koam, and Oh Nee Yeath Ton Now Prow, were chiefs of the Iroquois Indians who had been persuaded by adjacent British colonists to come and pay their respects to Queen Anne, and see for themselves the untruth of the assertion made among them by the Jesuits, that the English and all other nations were vassals to the French king. They were said also to have been told that the Saviour was born in France and crucified in England.]

[Footnote 3: polished Marble]

[Footnote 4: those]

[Footnote 5: Men of the greatest Perfections in their Country]

[Footnote 6: There was, among other fancies, a patch cut to the pattern of a coach and horses. Suckling, in verses 'upon the Black Spots worn by my Lady D. E.,' had called them her

... Mourning weeds for Hearts forlorn,
Which, though you must not love, you could not scorn,]

* * * * *

No. 51. Saturday, April 28, 1711. Steele.

'Torquet ab Obscenis jam nunc Sermonibus Aurem.'

Hor.

Mr. Spectator,

'My Fortune, Quality, and Person are such as render me as Conspicuous
as any Young Woman in Town. It is in my Power to enjoy it in all its
Vanities, but I have, from a very careful Education, contracted a
great Aversion to the forward Air and Fashion which is practised in
all Publick Places and Assemblies. I attribute this very much to the
Stile and Manners of our Plays: I was last Night at the _Funeral_,
where a Confident Lover in the Play, speaking of his Mistress, cries
out:
_Oh that_ Harriot! _to fold these Arms about the Waste of that
Beauteous strugling, and at last yielding Fair!_ [1]

Such an Image as this ought, by no means, to be presented to a Chaste
and Regular Audience. I expect your Opinion of this Sentence, and
recommend to your Consideration, as a SPECTATOR, the conduct of the
Stage at present with Relation to Chastity and Modesty.

_I am, SIR,
Your Constant Reader
and Well-wisher._

The Complaint of this Young Lady is so just, that the Offence is [great [2]] enough to have displeased Persons who cannot pretend to that Delicacy and Modesty, of which she is Mistress. But there is a great deal to be said in Behalf of an Author: If the Audience would but consider the Difficulty of keeping up a sprightly Dialogue for five Acts together, they would allow a Writer, when he wants Wit, and can't please any otherwise, to help it out with a little Smuttiness. I will answer for the Poets, that no one ever writ Bawdy for any other Reason but Dearth of Invention. When the Author cannot strike out of himself any more of that which he has superior to those who make up the Bulk of his Audience, his natural Recourse is to that which he has in common with them; and a Description which gratifies a sensual Appetite will please, when the Author has nothing [about him to delight [3]] a refined Imagination. It is to such a Poverty we must impute this and all other Sentences in Plays, which are of this Kind, and which are commonly termed Luscious Expressions.

This Expedient, to supply the Deficiencies of Wit, has been used more or less, by most of the Authors who have succeeded on the Stage; tho' I know but one who has professedly writ a Play upon the Basis of the Desire of Multiplying our Species, and that is the Polite Sir _George Etherege;_ if I understand what the Lady would be at, in the Play called _She would if She could._ Other Poets have, here and there, given an Intimation that there is this Design, under all the Disguises and Affectations which a Lady may put on; but no Author, except this, has made sure Work of it, and put the Imaginations of the Audience upon this one Purpose, from the Beginning to the End of the Comedy. It has always fared accordingly; for whether it be, that all who go to this Piece would if they could, or that the Innocents go to it, to guess only what _She would if She could_, the Play has always been well received.

It lifts an heavy empty Sentence, when there is added to it a lascivious Gesture of Body; and when it is too low to be raised even by that, a flat Meaning is enlivened by making it a double one. Writers, who want _Genius_, never fail of keeping this Secret in reserve, to create a Laugh, or raise a Clap. I, who know nothing of Women but from seeing Plays, can give great Guesses at the whole Structure of the fair Sex, by being innocently placed in the Pit, and insulted by the Petticoats of their Dancers; the Advantages of whose pretty Persons are a great Help to a dull Play. When a Poet flags in writing Lusciously, a pretty Girl can move Lasciviously, and have the same good Consequence for the Author. Dull Poets in this Case use their Audiences, as dull Parasites do their Patrons; when they cannot longer divert [them [4]] with their Wit or Humour, they bait [their [5]] Ears with something which is agreeable to [their [6]] Temper, though below [their [7]] Understanding. _Apicius_ cannot resist being pleased, if you give him an Account of a delicious Meal; or _Clodius_, if you describe a Wanton Beauty: Tho' at the same time, if you do not awake those Inclinations in them, no Men are better Judges of what is just and delicate in Conversation. But as I have before observed, it is easier to talk to the Man, than to the Man of Sense.

It is remarkable, that the Writers of least Learning are best skilled in the luscious Way. The Poetesses of the Age have done Wonders in this kind; and we are obliged to the Lady who writ _Ibrahim_ [8], for introducing a preparatory Scene to the very Action, when the Emperor throws his Handkerchief as a Signal for his Mistress to follow him into the most retired Part of the Seraglio. It must be confessed his _Turkish_ Majesty went off with a good Air, but, methought, we made but a sad Figure who waited without. This ingenious Gentlewoman, in this piece of Bawdry, refined upon an Author of the same Sex, [9] who, in the _Rover_, makes a Country Squire strip to his Holland Drawers. For _Blunt_ is disappointed, and the Emperor is understood to go on to the utmost. The Pleasantry of stripping almost Naked has been since practised (where indeed it should have begun) very successfully at _Bartholomew_ Fair.

It is not here to be omitted, that in one of the above-mentioned Female Compositions, the _Rover_ is very frequently sent on the same Errand; as I take it, above once every Act. This is not wholly unnatural; for, they say, the Men-Authors draw themselves in their chief Characters, and the Women-Writers may be allowed the same Liberty. Thus, as the Male Wit gives his Hero a [good] Fortune, the Female gives her Heroin a great Gallant, at the End of the Play. But, indeed, there is hardly a Play one can go to, but the Hero or fine Gentleman of it struts off upon the same account, and leaves us to consider what good Office he has put us to, or to employ our selves as we please. To be plain, a Man who frequents Plays would have a very respectful Notion of himself, were he to recollect how often he has been used as a Pimp to ravishing Tyrants, or successful Rakes. When the Actors make their _Exit_ on this good Occasion, the Ladies are sure to have an examining Glance from the Pit, to see how they relish what passes; and a few lewd Fools are very ready to employ their Talents upon the Composure or Freedom of their Looks. Such Incidents as these make some Ladies wholly absent themselves from the Play-House; and others never miss the first Day of a Play, lest it should prove too luscious to admit their going with any Countenance to it on the second.

If Men of Wit, who think fit to write for the Stage, instead of this pitiful way of giving Delight, would turn their Thoughts upon raising it from good natural Impulses as are in the Audience, but are choked up by Vice and Luxury, they would not only please, but befriend us at the same time. If a Man had a mind to be new in his way of Writing, might not he who is now represented as a fine Gentleman, tho' he betrays the Honour and Bed of his Neighbour and Friend, and lies with half the Women in the Play, and is at last rewarded with her of the best Character in it; I say, upon giving the Comedy another Cast, might not such a one divert the Audience quite as well, if at the Catastrophe he were found out for a Traitor, and met with Contempt accordingly? There is seldom a Person devoted to above one Darling Vice at a time, so that there is room enough to catch at Men's Hearts to their Good and Advantage, if the Poets will attempt it with the Honesty which becomes their Characters.

There is no Man who loves his Bottle or his Mistress, in a manner so very abandoned, as not to be capable of relishing an agreeable Character, that is no way a Slave to either of those Pursuits. A Man that is Temperate, Generous, Valiant, Chaste, Faithful and Honest, may, at the same time, have Wit, Humour, Mirth, Good-breeding, and Gallantry. While he exerts these latter Qualities, twenty Occasions might be invented to shew he is Master of the other noble Virtues. Such Characters would smite and reprove the Heart of a Man of Sense, when he is given up to his Pleasures. He would see he has been mistaken all this while, and be convinced that a sound Constitution and an innocent Mind are the true Ingredients for becoming and enjoying Life. All Men of true Taste would call a Man of Wit, who should turn his Ambition this way, a Friend and Benefactor to his Country; but I am at a loss what Name they would give him, who makes use of his Capacity for contrary Purposes.

R.

[Footnote 1: The Play is by Steele himself, the writer of this Essay. Steele's Plays were as pure as his 'Spectator' Essays, absolutely discarding the customary way of enforcing feeble dialogues by the spurious force of oaths, and aiming at a wholesome influence upon his audience. The passage here recanted was a climax of passion in one of the lovers of two sisters, Act II., sc. I, and was thus retrenched in subsequent editions:

'Campley.' Oh that Harriot! to embrace that beauteous--

'Lord Hardy.' Ay, Tom; but methinks your Head runs too much on the
Wedding Night only, to make your Happiness lasting;
mine is fixt on the married State; I expect my Felicity
from Lady Sharlot, in her Friendship, her Constancy,
her Piety, her household Cares, her maternal Tenderness
--You think not of any excellence of your Mistress that
is more than skin deep.']

[Footnote 2: gross]

[Footnote 3: else to gratifie]

[Footnote 4: him]

[Footnote 5: his]

[Footnote 6: his]

[Footnote 7: his]

[Footnote 8: Mary Fix, whose Tragedy of 'Ibrahim XII, Emperor of the Turks', was first acted in 1696.]

[Footnote 9: Mrs. Aphra Behn, whose 'Rover, or the Banished Cavaliers', is a Comedy in two Parts; first acted, Part I in 1677, Part II in 1681.]

* * * * *

No. 52. Monday, April 30, 1711. Steele.

'Omnes ut Tecum meritis pro Talibus annos
Exigat, et pulchra faciat Te prole parentem.'

Virg.

* * * * *

An ingenious Correspondent, like a sprightly Wife, will always have the last Word. I did not think my last Letter to the deformed Fraternity would have occasioned any Answer, especially since I had promised them so sudden a Visit: But as they think they cannot shew too great a Veneration for my Person, they have already sent me up an Answer. As to the Proposal of a Marriage between my self and the matchless _Hecatissa_, I have but one Objection to it; which is, That all the Society will expect to be acquainted with her; and who can be sure of keeping a Woman's Heart long, where she may have so much Choice? I am the more alarmed at this, because the Lady seems particularly smitten with Men of their Make.

I believe I shall set my Heart upon her; and think never the worse of my Mistress for an Epigram a smart Fellow writ, as he thought, against her; it does but the more recommend her to me. At the same time I cannot but discover that his Malice is stolen from _Martial_.

Tacta places, Audit a places, si non videare
Tota places, neutro, si videare, places.

Whilst in the Dark on thy soft Hand I hung,
And heard the tempting Siren in thy Tongue,
What Flames, what Darts, what Anguish I endured!
But when the Candle entered I was cur'd.

'Your Letter to us we have received, as a signal Mark of your Favour
and brotherly Affection. We shall be heartily glad to see your short
Face in _Oxford_: And since the Wisdom of our Legislature has been
immortalized in your Speculations, and our personal Deformities in
some sort by you recorded to all Posterity; we hold ourselves in
Gratitude bound to receive with the highest Respect, all such Persons
as for their extraordinary Merit you shall think fit, from Time to
Time, to recommend unto the Board. As for the Pictish Damsel, we have
an easy Chair prepared at the upper End of the Table; which we doubt
not but she will grace with a very hideous Aspect, and much better
become the Seat in the native and unaffected Uncomeliness of her
Person, than with all the superficial Airs of the Pencil, which (as
you have very ingeniously observed) vanish with a Breath, and the most
innocent Adorer may deface the Shrine with a Salutation, and in the
literal Sense of our Poets, snatch and imprint his balmy Kisses, and
devour her melting Lips: In short, the only Faces of the Pictish Kind
that will endure the Weather, must be of Dr. _Carbuncle's_ Die; tho'
his, in truth, has cost him a World the Painting; but then he boasts
with _Zeuxes, In eternitatem pingo_; and oft jocosely tells the Fair
Ones, would they acquire Colours that would stand kissing, they must
no longer Paint but Drink for a Complexion: A Maxim that in this our
Age has been pursued with no ill Success; and has been as admirable in
its Effects, as the famous Cosmetick mentioned in the _Post-man_, and
invented by the renowned _British Hippocrates_ of the Pestle and
Mortar; making the Party, after a due Course, rosy, hale and airy; and
the best and most approved Receipt now extant for the Fever of the
Spirits. But to return to our Female Candidate, who, I understand, is
returned to herself, and will no longer hang out false Colours; as she
is the first of her Sex that has done us so great an Honour, she will
certainly, in a very short Time, both in Prose and Verse, be a Lady of
the most celebrated Deformity now living; and meet with Admirers here
as frightful as herself. But being a long-headed Gentlewoman, I am apt
to imagine she has some further Design than you have yet penetrated;
and perhaps has more mind to the SPECTATOR than any of his Fraternity,
as the Person of all the World she could like for a Paramour: And if
so, really I cannot but applaud her Choice; and should be glad, if it
might lie in my Power, to effect an amicable Accommodation betwixt two
Faces of such different Extremes, as the only possible Expedient to
mend the Breed, and rectify the Physiognomy of the Family on both
Sides. And again, as she is a Lady of very fluent Elocution, you need
not fear that your first Child will be born dumb, which otherwise you
might have some Reason to be apprehensive of. To be plain with you, I
can see nothing shocking in it; for tho she has not a Face like a
_John-Apple_, yet as a late Friend of mine, who at Sixty-five ventured
on a Lass of Fifteen, very frequently, in the remaining five Years of
his Life, gave me to understand, That, as old as he then seemed, when
they were first married he and his Spouse [could [1]] make but
Fourscore; so may Madam _Hecatissa_ very justly allege hereafter,
That, as long-visaged as she may then be thought, upon their
Wedding-day Mr. SPECTATOR and she had but Half an Ell of Face betwixt
them: And this my very worthy Predecessor, Mr. Sergeant _Chin_, always
maintained to be no more than the true oval Proportion between Man and
Wife. But as this may be a new thing to you, who have hitherto had no
Expectations from Women, I shall allow you what Time you think fit to
consider on't; not without some Hope of seeing at last your Thoughts
hereupon subjoin'd to mine, and which is an Honour much desired by,

Sir,

Your assured Friend,
and most humble Servant,

Hugh [Gobling, [2]] Præses.'

The following Letter has not much in it, but as it is written in my own Praise I cannot for my Heart suppress it.

SIR,

'You proposed, in your SPECTATOR of last _Tuesday_, Mr. _Hobbs's_
Hypothesis for solving that very odd Phænomenon of Laughter. You have
made the Hypothesis valuable by espousing it your self; for had it
continued Mr. _Hobbs's_, no Body would have minded it. Now here this
perplexed Case arises. A certain Company laughed very heartily upon
the Reading of that very Paper of yours: And the Truth on it is, he
must be a Man of more than ordinary Constancy that could stand it out
against so much Comedy, and not do as we did. Now there are few Men in
the World so far lost to all good Sense, as to look upon you to be a
Man in a State of Folly _inferior to himself_. Pray then how do you
justify your Hypothesis of Laughter?

Thursday, the 26th of
the Month of Fools.

Your most humble,

Q. R.'

SIR,

'In answer to your Letter, I must desire you to recollect yourself;
and you will find, that when you did me the Honour to be so merry over
my Paper, you laughed at the Idiot, the _German_ Courtier, the Gaper,
the Merry-Andrew, the Haberdasher, the Biter, the Butt, and not at

Your humble Servant,

The SPECTATOR.'

[Footnote 1: could both]

[Footnote 2: Goblin]

* * * * *

No. 53. Tuesday, May 1, 1711. Steele.

... Aliquando bonus dormitat Homerus.

Hor.

My Correspondents grow so numerous, that I cannot avoid frequently inserting their Applications to me.

Mr SPECTATOR,

'I am glad I can inform you, that your Endeavours to adorn that Sex,
which is the fairest Part of the visible Creation, are well received,
and like to prove not unsuccessful. The Triumph of _Daphne_ over her
Sister _Letitia_ has been the Subject of Conversation at Several
Tea-Tables where I have been present; and I have observed the fair
Circle not a little pleased to find you considering them as reasonable
Creatures, and endeavouring to banish that _Mahometan_ Custom which
had too much prevailed even in this Island, of treating Women as if
they had no Souls. I must do them the Justice to say, that there seems
to be nothing wanting to the finishing of these lovely Pieces of Human
Nature, besides the turning and applying their Ambition properly, and
the keeping them up to a Sense of what is their true Merit.
_Epictetus_, that plain honest Philosopher, as little as he had of
Gallantry, appears to have understood them, as well as the polite St.
_Evremont_, and has hit this Point very luckily.[1] _When young
Women_, says he, _arrive at a certain Age, they hear themselves called
_Mistresses_, and are made to believe that their only Business is to
please the Men; they immediately begin to dress, and place all their
Hopes in the adorning of their Persons; it is therefore_, continues
he, _worth the while to endeavour by all means to make them sensible
that the Honour paid to them is only, upon account of their
cotiducting themselves with Virtue, Modesty, and Discretion_.

'Now to pursue the Matter yet further, and to render your Cares for
the Improvement of the Fair Ones more effectual, I would propose a new
method, like those Applications which are said to convey their virtues
by Sympathy; and that is, in order to embellish the Mistress, you
should give a new Education to the Lover, and teach the Men not to be
any longer dazzled by false Charms and unreal Beauty. I cannot but
think that if our Sex knew always how to place their Esteem justly,
the other would not be so often wanting to themselves in deserving it.
For as the being enamoured with a Woman of Sense and Virtue is an
Improvement to a Man's Understanding and Morals, and the Passion is
ennobled by the Object which inspires it; so on the other side, the
appearing amiable to a Man of a wise and elegant Mind, carries in it
self no small Degree of Merit and Accomplishment. I conclude
therefore, that one way to make the Women yet more agreeable is, to
make the Men more virtuous.

I am, SIR,

Your most humble Servant,

R. B.'

April 26.

SIR,

'Yours of _Saturday_ last I read, not without some Resentment; but I
will suppose when you say you expect an Inundation of Ribbons and
Brocades, and to see many new Vanities which the Women will fall into
upon a Peace with _France_, that you intend only the unthinking Part
of our Sex: And what Methods can reduce them to Reason is hard to
imagine.

But, Sir, there are others yet, that your Instructions might be of
great Use to, who, after their best Endeavours, are sometimes at a
loss to acquit themselves to a Censorious World: I am far from
thinking you can altogether disapprove of Conversation between Ladies
and Gentlemen, regulated by the Rules of Honour and Prudence; and have
thought it an Observation not ill made, that where that was wholly
denied, the Women lost their Wit, and the Men their Good-manners. 'Tis
sure, from those improper Liberties you mentioned, that a sort of
undistinguishing People shall banish from their Drawing-Rooms the
best-bred Men in the World, and condemn those that do not. Your
stating this Point might, I think, be of good use, as well as much
oblige,

SIR,

Your Admirer, and
most humble Servant,

ANNA BELLA.'

_No Answer to this, till_ Anna Bella _sends a Description of those she calls the Best-bred Men in the World_.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

'I am a Gentleman who for many Years last past have been well known to
be truly Splenatick, and that my Spleen arises from having contracted
so great a Delicacy, by reading the best Authors, and keeping the most
refined Company, that I cannot bear the least Impropriety of Language,
or Rusticity of Behaviour. Now, Sir, I have ever looked upon this as a
wise Distemper; but by late Observations find that every heavy Wretch,
who has nothing to say, excuses his Dulness by complaining of the
Spleen. Nay, I saw, the other Day, two Fellows in a Tavern Kitchen set
up for it, call for a Pint and Pipes, and only by Guzling Liquor to
each other's Health, and wafting Smoke in each other's Face, pretend
to throw off the Spleen. I appeal to you, whether these Dishonours are
to be done to the Distemper of the Great and the Polite. I beseech
you, Sir, to inform these Fellows that they have not the Spleen,
because they cannot talk without the help of a Glass at their Mouths,
or convey their Meaning to each other without the Interposition of
Clouds. If you will not do this with all Speed, I assure you, for my
part, I will wholly quit the Disease, and for the future be merry with
the Vulgar.

I am, SIR,

Your humble Servant.'

SIR,

'This is to let you understand, that I am a reformed Starer, and
conceived a Detestation for that Practice from what you have writ upon
the Subject. But as you have been very severe upon the Behaviour of us
Men at Divine Service, I hope you will not be so apparently partial to
the Women, as to let them go wholly unobserved. If they do everything
that is possible to attract our Eyes, are we more culpable than they
for looking at them? I happened last _Sunday_ to be shut into a Pew,
which was full of young Ladies in the Bloom of Youth and Beauty. When
the Service began, I had not Room to kneel at the Confession, but as I
stood kept my eyes from wandring as well as I was able, till one of
the young Ladies, who is a Peeper, resolved to bring down my Looks,
and fix my Devotion on her self. You are to know, Sir, that a Peeper
works with her Hands, Eyes, and Fan; one of which is continually in
Motion, while she thinks she is not actually the Admiration of some
Ogler or Starer in the Congregation. As I stood utterly at a loss how
to behave my self, surrounded as I was, this Peeper so placed her self
as to be kneeling just before me. She displayed the most beautiful
Bosom imaginable, which heaved and fell with some Fervour, while a
delicate well-shaped Arm held a Fan over her Face. It was not in
Nature to command ones Eyes from this Object; I could not avoid taking
notice also of her Fan, which had on it various Figures, very improper
to behold on that Occasion. There lay in the Body of the Piece a
_Venus_, under a Purple Canopy furled with curious Wreaths of Drapery,
half naked, attended with a Train of _Cupids_, who were busied in
Fanning her as she slept. Behind her was drawn a Satyr peeping over
the silken Fence, and threatening to break through it. I frequently
offered to turn my Sight another way, but was still detained by the
Fascination of the Peeper's Eyes, who had long practised a Skill in
them, to recal the parting Glances of her Beholders. You see my
Complaint, and hope you will take these mischievous People, the
Peepers, into your Consideration: I doubt not but you will think a
Peeper as much more pernicious than a Starer, as an Ambuscade is more
to be feared than an open Assault.

I am, SIR,

Your most Obedient Servant.'

_This Peeper using both Fan and Eyes to be considered as a _Pict_, and proceed accordingly._

King _Latinus_ to the _Spectator_, Greeting.

'Tho' some may think we descend from our Imperial Dignity, in holding
Correspondence with a private [_Litterato_; [2]] yet as we have great
Respect to all good Intentions for our Service, we do not esteem it
beneath us to return you our Royal Thanks for what you published in
our Behalf, while under Confinement in the Inchanted Castle of the
_Savoy_, and for your Mention of a Subsidy for a Prince in Misfortune.
This your timely Zeal has inclined the Hearts of divers to be aiding
unto us, if we could propose the Means. We have taken their Good will
into Consideration, and have contrived a Method which will be easy to
those who shall give the Aid, and not unacceptable to us who receive
it. A Consort of Musick shall be prepared at _Haberdashers-Hall_ for
_Wednesday_ the Second of _May_, and we will honour the said
Entertainment with our own Presence, where each Person shall be
assessed but at two Shillings and six Pence. What we expect from you
is, that you publish these our Royal Intentions, with Injunction that
they be read at all Tea-Tables within the Cities of _London_ and
_Westminster_; and so we bid you heartily Farewell.

_Latinus_, King of the _Volscians_.'

_Given at our Court in_ Vinegar-Yard, _Story the Third from the Earth_.

April 28, 1711.

R.

[Footnote 1: 'Epictetus his Morals, with Simplicius his Comment,' was translated by George Stanhope in 1694. The citation above is a free rendering of the sense of cap. 62 of the Morals.]

[Footnote 2: _Litterati_]

* * * * *

No. 54. Wednesday, May 2, 1711. Steele.

'... Sirenua nos exercet inertia.'

Hor.

The following Letter being the first that I have received from the learned University of _Cambridge_, I could not but do my self the Honour of publishing it. It gives an Account of a new Sect of Philosophers which has arose in that famous Residence of Learning; and is, perhaps, the only Sect this Age is likely to produce.

Cambridge, April 26.

Mr. SPECTATOR,

'Believing you to be an universal Encourager of liberal Arts and
Sciences, and glad of any Information from the learned World, I
thought an Account of a Sect of Philosophers very frequent among us,
but not taken Notice of, as far as I can remember, by any Writers
either ancient or modern, would not be unacceptable to you. The
Philosophers of this Sect are in the Language of our University called
_Lowngers_. I am of Opinion, that, as in many other things, so
likewise in this, the Ancients have been defective; _viz_. in
mentioning no Philosophers of this Sort. Some indeed will affirm that
they are a kind of Peripateticks, because we see them continually
walking about. But I would have these Gentlemen consider, that tho'
the ancient Peripateticks walked much, yet they wrote much also;
(witness, to the Sorrow of this Sect, _Aristotle_ and others): Whereas
it is notorious that most of our Professors never lay out a Farthing
either in Pen, Ink, or Paper. Others are for deriving them from
_Diogenes_, because several of the leading Men of the Sect have a
great deal of the cynical Humour in them, and delight much in
Sun-shine. But then again, _Diogenes_ was content to have his constant
Habitation in a narrow Tub; whilst our Philosophers are so far from
being of his Opinion, that it's Death to them to be confined within
the Limits of a good handsome convenient Chamber but for half an Hour.
Others there are, who from the Clearness of their Heads deduce the
Pedigree of _Lowngers_ from that great Man (I think it was either
_Plato_ or _Socrates_ [1]) who after all his Study and Learning
professed, That all he then knew was, that he knew nothing. You easily
see this is but a shallow Argument, and may be soon confuted.

I have with great Pains and Industry made my Observations from time to
time upon these Sages; and having now all Materials ready, am
compiling a Treatise, wherein I shall set forth the Rise and Progress
of this famous Sect, together with their Maxims, Austerities, Manner
of living, &c. Having prevailed with a Friend who designs shortly to
publish a new Edition of _Diogenes Laertius_, to add this Treatise of
mine by way of Supplement; I shall now, to let the World see what may
be expected from me (first begging Mr. SPECTATOR'S Leave that the
World may see it) briefly touch upon some of my chief Observations,
and then subscribe my self your humble Servant. In the first Place I
shall give you two or three of their Maxims: The fundamental one, upon
which their whole System is built, is this, viz. That Time being an
implacable Enemy to and Destroyer of all things, ought to be paid in
his own Coin, and be destroyed and murdered without Mercy by all the
Ways that can be invented. Another favourite Saying of theirs is, That
Business was designed only for Knaves, and Study for Blockheads. A
third seems to be a ludicrous one, but has a great Effect upon their
Lives; and is this, That the Devil is at Home. Now for their Manner of
Living: And here I have a large Field to expatiate in; but I shall
reserve Particulars for my intended Discourse, and now only mention
one or two of their principal Exercises. The elder Proficients employ
themselves in inspecting _mores hominum multorum_, in getting
acquainted with all the Signs and Windows in the Town. Some are
arrived at so great Knowledge, that they can tell every time any
Butcher kills a Calf, every time any old Woman's Cat is in the Straw;
and a thousand other Matters as important. One ancient Philosopher
contemplates two or three Hours every Day over a Sun-Dial; and is true
to the Dial,

... As the Dial to the Sun,
Although it be not shone upon. [2]

Our younger Students are content to carry their Speculations as yet no
farther than Bowling-greens, Billiard-Tables, and such like Places.
This may serve for a Sketch of my Design; in which I hope I shall have
your Encouragement. I am,

SIR,

Yours. [3]

I must be so just as to observe I have formerly seen of this Sect at our other University; tho' not distinguished by the Appellation which the learned Historian, my Correspondent, reports they bear at _Cambridge_. They were ever looked upon as a People that impaired themselves more by their strict Application to the Rules of their Order, than any other Students whatever. Others seldom hurt themselves any further than to gain weak Eyes and sometimes Head-Aches; but these Philosophers are seized all over with a general Inability, Indolence, and Weariness, and a certain Impatience of the Place they are in, with an Heaviness in removing to another.

The _Lowngers_ are satisfied with being merely Part of the Number of Mankind, without distinguishing themselves from amongst them. They may be said rather to suffer their Time to pass, than to spend it, without Regard to the past, or Prospect of the future. All they know of Life is only the present Instant, and do not taste even that. When one of this Order happens to be a Man of Fortune, the Expence of his Time is transferr'd to his Coach and Horses, and his Life is to be measured by their Motion, not his own Enjoyments or Sufferings. The chief Entertainment one of these Philosophers can possibly propose to himself, is to get a Relish of Dress: This, methinks, might diversifie the Person he is weary of (his own dear self) to himself. I have known these two Amusements make one of these Philosophers make a tolerable Figure in the World; with a variety of Dresses in publick Assemblies in Town, and quick Motion of his Horses out of it, now to _Bath_, now to _Tunbridge_, then to _Newmarket_, and then to _London_, he has in Process of Time brought it to pass, that his Coach and his Horses have been mentioned in all those Places. When the _Lowngers_ leave an Academick Life, and instead of this more elegant way of appearing in the polite World, retire to the Seats of their Ancestors, they usually join a Pack of Dogs, and employ their Days in defending their Poultry from Foxes: I do not know any other Method that any of this Order has ever taken to make a Noise in the World; but I shall enquire into such about this Town as have arrived at the Dignity of being _Lowngers_ by the Force of natural Parts, without having ever seen an University; and send my Correspondent, for the Embellishment of his Book, the Names and History of those who pass their Lives without any Incidents at all; and how they shift Coffee-houses and Chocolate-houses from Hour to Hour, to get over the insupportable Labour of doing nothing.

R.

[Footnote 1: Socrates in his Apology, or Defence before his Judges, as reported by Plato. The oracle having said that there was none wiser than he, he had sought to confute the oracle, and found the wise man of the world foolish through belief in his own wisdom.

'When I left him I reasoned thus with myself, I am wiser than this
man, for neither of us appears to know anything great and good; but he
fancies he knows something, although he knows nothing, whereas I, as I
do not know anything, do not fancy that I do.']

[Footnote 2:

_True as Dial to the Sun,
Although it be not shired upon._

Hudibras. Part III. c. 2.]

[Footnote 3: This Letter may be by Laurence Eusden. See Note to No. 78.]

* * * * *

No. 55. Thursday May 3, 1711. Addison.

'... Intus, et in jecore ægro
Nascuntur Domini ...'

Pers.

Most of the Trades, Professions, and Ways of Living among Mankind, take their Original either from the Love of Pleasure or the Fear of Want. The former, when it becomes too violent, degenerates into _Luxury_, and the latter into _Avarice_. As these two Principles of Action draw different Ways, _Persius_ has given us a very humourous Account of a young Fellow who was rouzed out of his Bed, in order to be sent upon a long Voyage, by _Avarice_, and afterwards over-persuaded and kept at Home by _Luxury_. I shall set down at length the Pleadings of these two imaginary Persons, as they are in the Original with Mr. _Dryden's_ Translation of them.

_Mane, piger, stertis: surge, inquit Avaritia; eja
Surge. Negas, Instat, surge inquit. Non queo. Surge.
Et quid agam? Rogitas? Saperdas advehe Ponto,
Castoreum, stuppas, hebenum, thus, lubrica Coa.
Tolle recens primus piper è siliente camelo.
Verte aliquid; jura. Sed Jupiter Audiet. Eheu!
Baro, regustatum digito terebrare salinum
Contentus perages, si vivere cum Jove tendis.
Jam pueris pellem succinctus et ænophorum aptas;
Ocyus ad Navem. Nil obstat quin trabe vasta
Ægæum rapias, nisi solers Luxuria ante
Seductum moneat; quo deinde, insane ruis? Quo?
Quid tibi vis? Calido sub pectore mascula bilis
Intumuit, quam non extinxerit urna cicutæ?
Tun' mare transilias? Tibi torta cannabe fulto
Coena sit in transtro? Veientanúmque rubellum
Exhalet vapida læsum pice sessilis obba?
Quid petis? Ut nummi, quos hic quincunce modesto
Nutrieras, pergant avidos sudare deunces?
Indulge genio: carpamus dulcia; nostrum est
Quod vivis; cinis, et manes, et fabula fies.
Vive memor lethi: fugit hora. Hoc quod loquor, inde est.
En quid agis? Duplici in diversum scinderis hamo.
Hunccine, an hunc sequeris!----_

Whether alone, or in thy Harlot's Lap,
When thou wouldst take a lazy Morning's Nap;
Up, up, says AVARICE; thou snor'st again,
Stretchest thy Limbs, and yawn'st, but all in vain.
The rugged Tyrant no Denial takes;
At his Command th' unwilling Sluggard wakes.
What must I do? he cries; What? says his Lord:
Why rise, make ready, and go streight Aboard:
With Fish, from _Euxine_ Seas, thy Vessel freight;
Flax, Castor, _Coan_ Wines, the precious Weight
Of Pepper and _Sabean_ Incense, take
With thy own Hands, from the tir'd Camel's Back,
And with Post-haste thy running Markets make.
Be sure to turn the Penny; Lye and Swear,
'Tis wholsome Sin: But _Jove_, thou say'st, will hear.
Swear, Fool, or Starve; for the _Dilemma's_ even:
A Tradesman thou! and hope to go to Heav'n?

Resolv'd for Sea, the Slaves thy Baggage pack,
Each saddled with his Burden on his Back.
Nothing retards thy Voyage, now; but He,
That soft voluptuous Prince, call'd LUXURY;
And he may ask this civil Question; Friend,
What dost thou make a Shipboard? To what End?
Art thou of _Bethlem's_ noble College free?
Stark, staring mad, that thou wouldst tempt the Sea?
Cubb'd in a Cabbin, on a Mattress laid,
On a brown _George_, with lousy Swobbers fed;
Dead Wine, that stinks of the _Borachio_, sup
From a foul Jack, or greasy Maple Cup!
Say, wouldst thou bear all this, to raise the Store,
From Six i'th' Hundred to Six Hundred more?
Indulge, and to thy Genius freely give:
For, not to live at Ease, is not, to live:
Death stalks behind thee, and each flying Hour
Does some loose Remnant of thy Life devour.
Live, while thou liv'st; for Death will make us all,
A Name, a Nothing but an Old Wife's Tale.
Speak, wilt thou _Avarice_ or _Pleasure_ choose
To be thy Lord? Take one, and one refuse.

When a Government flourishes in Conquests, and is secure from foreign Attacks, it naturally falls into all the Pleasures of Luxury; and as these Pleasures are very expensive, they put those who are addicted to them upon raising fresh Supplies of Mony, by all the Methods of Rapaciousness and Corruption; so that Avarice and Luxury very often become one complicated Principle of Action, in those whose Hearts are wholly set upon Ease, Magnificence, and Pleasure. The most Elegant and Correct of all the _Latin_ Historians observes, that in his time, when the most formidable States of the World were subdued by the _Romans_, the Republick sunk into those two Vices of a quite different Nature, Luxury and Avarice: [1] And accordingly describes _Catiline_ as one who coveted the Wealth of other Men, at the same time that he squander'd away his own. This Observation on the Commonwealth, when it was in its height of Power and Riches, holds good of all Governments that are settled in a State of Ease and Prosperity. At such times Men naturally endeavour to outshine one another in Pomp and Splendor, and having no Fears to alarm them from abroad, indulge themselves in the Enjoyment of all the Pleasures they can get into their Possession; which naturally produces Avarice, and an immoderate Pursuit after Wealth and Riches.

As I was humouring my self in the Speculation of these two great Principles of Action, I could not forbear throwing my Thoughts into a little kind of Allegory or Fable, with which I shall here present my Reader.

There were two very powerful Tyrants engaged in a perpetual War against each other: The Name of the first was _Luxury_, and of the second _Avarice_. The Aim of each of them was no less than Universal Monarchy over the Hearts of Mankind. _Luxury_ had many Generals under him, who did him great Service, as _Pleasure_, _Mirth_, _Pomp_ and _Fashion_. _Avarice_ was likewise very strong in his Officers, being faithfully served by _Hunger_, _Industry_, _Care_ and _Watchfulness_: He had likewise a Privy-Counsellor who was always at his Elbow, and whispering something or other in his Ear: The Name of this Privy-Counsellor was _Poverty_. As _Avarice_ conducted himself by the Counsels of _Poverty_, his Antagonist was entirely guided by the Dictates and Advice of _Plenty_, who was his first Counsellor and Minister of State, that concerted all his Measures for him, and never departed out of his Sight. While these two great Rivals were thus contending for Empire, their Conquests were very various. _Luxury_ got Possession of one Heart, and _Avarice_ of another. The Father of a Family would often range himself under the Banners of _Avarice_, and the Son under those of _Luxury_. The Wife and Husband would often declare themselves on the two different Parties; nay, the same Person would very often side with one in his Youth, and revolt to the other in his old Age. Indeed the Wise Men of the World stood _Neuter_; but alas! their Numbers were not considerable. At length, when these two Potentates had wearied themselves with waging War upon one another, they agreed upon an Interview, at which neither of their Counsellors were to be present. It is said that _Luxury_ began the Parley, and after having represented the endless State of War in which they were engaged, told his Enemy, with a Frankness of Heart which is natural to him, that he believed they two should be very good Friends, were it not for the Instigations of _Poverty_, that pernicious Counsellor, who made an ill use of his Ear, and filled him with groundless Apprehensions and Prejudices. To this _Avarice_ replied, that he looked upon _Plenty_ (the first Minister of his Antagonist) to be a much more destructive Counsellor than _Poverty_, for that he was perpetually suggesting Pleasures, banishing all the necessary Cautions against Want, and consequently undermining those Principles on which the Government of _Avarice_ was founded. At last, in order to an Accommodation, they agreed upon this Preliminary; That each of them should immediately dismiss his Privy-Counsellor. When things were thus far adjusted towards a Peace, all other differences were soon accommodated, insomuch that for the future they resolved to live as good Friends and Confederates, and to share between them whatever Conquests were made on either side. For this Reason, we now find _Luxury_ and _Avarice_ taking Possession of the same Heart, and dividing the same Person between them. To which I shall only add, that since the discarding of the Counsellors above-mentioned, _Avarice_ supplies _Luxury_ in the room of _Plenty_, as _Luxury_ prompts _Avarice_ in the place of _Poverty_.