Chapter VIII

Right in the midst of this solemn love affair of mine, when I felt that I was doing the one and only thing a girl should do: have a beau, there came to me the first urge of sex desire.

One of the older boys of the town who had been away for some time, and whom I scarcely knew, though I had heard the girls rave about him, came home for a visit. It was said that at some time or other every girl and woman in town had been in love with him. He was handsome, sang divinely, danced, skated, and did all these things perfectly. His eyes were very enticing. He was taking singing lessons from my father, and I used to love listening to the music, while those lessons were going on.

I was one of the younger girls, and had received no attention from him, other than an occasional dance or as a skating partner, when he would compliment me in my skill in both of these sports. He was at this time, by the way, devoted to the girl who had so attracted me in school.

One evening, we were at a party of some kind, and I found myself watching him a great deal and I often caught his naughty eyes, which seemed to say things that I hardly understood. My regular beau was not there that evening and when the time for departure came, much to my surprise and to that of everyone, my new admirer asked to “see me home.” I was really glad, and I think in some way he must have gained the impression that I was drawn to him that evening.

When he suggested a longer walk as the shorter way home I was thrilled, and found I had fallen completely under his charm or whatever it was, for I made no remonstrances to any of his advances and found that I not only felt a great thrill but wanted all and even more than he gave me.

There came that psychological moment which comes into every girl’s life, when nothing under the heavens could deter her impulse for sexual relief unless she had been taught that it would come to her and how to protect herself from giving way to it. I was not satisfied, few women ever are. I was left high and dry in a state of mad desire and casually taken home to face the music. I was much later than was expected and mother had sent father out to look for me. Some one had seen us going down a certain lane which was quite a rendezvous for lovers, I later understood. My father met us as we were returning and the young man was promptly dismissed and I was conducted home by father!

I realized later, as I failed to do then, that because of my excited condition, which must have been apparent and the reputation of the young man, my parents must have known what had been going on. Being too old for spanking, I was sent to bed, with instruction that I was never again even to speak to, let alone dance or skate with, that young man again. The music lessons also ceased, and I longed to tell my parents that the affair was all my fault (as in most cases I argue that it is the fault of the girl when she is “led astray”). But again I did not dare, as I knew there was no understanding between us and, if I were to tell them that it was the only time in my life that I had ever felt that impulse, I knew they would not believe me. And I would not have them believe it was my nature to do such things.

This ended my friendship for that young man, who treated me with great scorn thereafter. Fortunately for me, there was never a return of that madness for him or for anyone else—except once in my life, long—long afterwards. Of this I will speak later.

I have had great respect for that young man, as I realize now that he must have been very careful not to run the risk of my becoming pregnant at that time, for I was in just the mood for conception to occur. He was, however, wise in such matters. It is strange that there were so few girls who got into “trouble” then, as so many do now. It would have become known then, as I am now sure, for there did occur such cases at rare intervals, and I know that intercourse was as common then as now.

There comes to my mind here an occurrence in the small town adjoining the one where I am writing this book. In the high school there was a girl, belonging to one of the very best families, who was to graduate in a few months. She had a suitor of whom her father did not approve. A short time ago she was found to be in a family way, at the three months’ period. Her father was distracted and at once went to the young business man who was responsible, and had him arrested and tried before all the people who knew both the man and the girl. All of the details of their long association were laid bare. One can imagine what effect this had on that poor girl.

The father demanded that they should be married at once—an end they had both long desired, but which had been defeated by the objections of the now irate parent. Too late the father realized his sad mistake. His only daughter had no reputation left among the people of that town and the young married people had to go to some far-away place to begin their lives over again, with the stigma placed upon them by the “doting” father. That man has not much respect left for himself. There was such a feeling of disgust for the way he handled the case that there was whispering regarding tar and feathers for the father. At this writing the feeling has not died down, but the small town does not dare take drastic measures to give the right man his due.

Now back to my own muttons. The following winter I fell desperately in love with one of my teachers, a woman. This great wave came over me one day when I was standing at her desk. She had one arm around me and, as she was pointing out some problem on the paper on her desk, I noticed the many little veins which showed over the knuckles of her fingers, and I could see the pulse beating there. I did not then understand that she probably felt drawn to me sexually, and that the impulse was coming to me through so strange a medium as the veins of her fingers. I was fascinated by her. I was frequently called to her recitation room, and when the lesson which had been the reason for my being called was disposed of, she would pet me and hold me very tightly. I was thrilled and lingered long in her embrace and enjoyed her kisses hugely.

The sister of my brother-in-law, of whom I have spoken as playing the piano so wonderfully, affected me the same way and she was drawn to me also. She would have me sleep with her and would kiss me and hold me in her arms all night. I was always happy there.

I know now that this poor woman, a marvelous musical genius, who later had to be taken to a sanitarium for mental disorders, was the victim of sexual starvation. She was never married, nor did she have affairs with men, as she was not physically attractive. But one knew from her music the intensity of her nature and, with no physical outlet for these emotions, her life was wrecked. My emotions never reached the sexual organs or the organs of generation, which I always looked upon in the greatest contempt, believing that they were only put there to annoy girls and interfere periodically with their pleasures. One day I found a medical book hidden away in my mother’s closet, and from it I learned all about the methods of producing babies, so that matter was at last somewhat cleared up in my mind. Both the male and female organs were pictured and I was disgusted with it all. I thought it was a very nasty book to be found in my mother’s possession, and wondered why I should have been so vigilantly spanked when any reference was made to these organs and such knowledge was questioned, when she harbored that book in her closet. She must have been ashamed of it, too, to be so secret about it.

What a fine equipment for a healthy young girl to have during the adolescence period!

During the coming winter, my sister in the city was very ill. Her little boy baby was very fond of me and she felt that it would be a great comfort to have me come to be with him, as he was not very happy with his nurse and missed his mother, who was too ill to have him with her. So I was taken out of school and sent to Boston, where I had never visited them in their city home.

My sister’s husband has always been most kind to all of our family. He had plenty of money and had often helped our family over rough places. He and my sister did much for me when I visited them during the summers of which I have spoken. I was very fond of him, naturally, as I had been a pet of his since I was a little girl.

I felt him a bit too ardent perhaps when we were dancing, but, as I found all men the same, and believing it to be the thrill of the dance, I passed it off lightly. Physically, I was never attracted by him. In dancing with my “sweet girl” I would become greatly aroused and could hardly restrain my impulse to kiss her. That was to me the acme of bliss, when those sensations occurred.

This visit to my sister was very different from the ones I had made in the summer, in point of gaieties. She was very ill and had trained nurses in attendance. I was with the little son during his waking hours, going with him and his nurse into the park for his outings and playing with him, as I loved to do, and he was very happy with me.

My room was on the parlor floor while the rest of the family were on the floor above and the servants still above that. One night as my brother-in-law was out for the evening I went to bed rather early. I was awakened by his coming into the room and up to my bed. He told me not to speak, as my sister had just gone to sleep. He sat down by the bed and talked, or rather whispered, about being so lonely and worried, and of course I was very sympathetic and tried to cheer him up. Soon I felt his head on the bed as though he was crying and before I knew it he had pulled down the bedclothes and was kissing my knees. I begged him to stop and tried to cover myself up. He again warned me not to make a noise as it would kill my sister if she knew he were there. I was old enough to know that there would be that result if, at the critical time in her illness, she were to know of his being with me, so I kept still while his kisses became more intense.

The sensation was so intense, I must have lost my head entirely as I made no remonstrance to his further advances. When he left me, I was filled with horror and disgusted beyond compare. How I loathed him for what I felt was taking such an unfair advantage of me, and for the utter lack of fidelity to his poor sick wife. When I had a chance to talk with him the next day, I was violent in my condemnation of his treatment and vowed, if he ever attempted such a thing again, I would go straight home and tell my mother about it.

Then came the old arguments which to me, alas! were all too familiar! He pictured the disgrace which would come to both families, of the probable killing of my sister coming at this critical time. If not that, and if she believed me, which was doubtful, he would say it was all a lie on my part, and oh! it all seemed such a tangle! How I wished I were dead! Had I dared, I would have ended it all, but I loved life and the thought of ending it brought terror to my soul. So I gave in and promised not to make a fuss.

I finished my last year in the high school that year. My boy lover had graduated and “gone west young man” the summer before. Before he went, we thought it would be wiser to tell our parents of our wish to be really engaged. I was very much in earnest when I told my mother of our love for each other. She was, much to my surprise, very calm and seemingly sympathetic and took the whole thing seriously. For once, I was not punished—as I feared I might be—for I had come to the point when I had given up all hopes of ever being understood by one who it seemed to me should always see my point of view.

She said that perhaps it would be better to wait for at least a year, as I was only fifteen, and then, if we still felt the same way about it, we could talk it over. We were to write every two weeks, and my mother advised that the letters should be such that all of our schoolmates could read, as they would naturally be interested in the welfare of the youth. This seemed reasonable. I will say that they were little personal letters, always written in red ink, which thrilled me as symbolic of “heart’s blood.” So that was that. The letters kept up for two years and I had the satisfaction of feeling that I was a real girl because I had a lover! I never was in love with him as I was with my “sweet girl.”

The great question before the house now was my future education. It seemed to be an established fact that, as I had always stood high in my classes, I might have a brain worthy of further development. My father was not able to send me to college, so both of my brothers-in-law offered to give me a college course. I was to decide where it would be.

The one living in Boston argued for the institutions in Massachusetts, as a Bostonian would, but I felt the tuition fee which I might have to pay in my proximity to that faction would be too great. So much to the horror of all my Boston connections, I chose the midwestern university where my other brother-in-law was a professor. The sister whose husband was located in the West was much older than I, and I had always worshipped her. Her husband was old enough to be my father, and I had known him almost as long.

They were married when I was very young, and I had always been a great pet of both of them. In fact, Peter (we will call this brother-in-law) had always called me “Babe.”

I am the last one of all that large family left, and it is with the conviction that no one will be hurt by these revelations that I am making public record of these experiences.

As my older sister had no children, I made that point in my decision to go west. Again, I had no love for girls as a class, and a women’s college did not appeal to me. Of course I did not dare give my real reason for my decision.

It was decreed that I should have one more “gay” summer with my sister at the seashore, before getting down to the four year’s grind in the “wild and wooly” west. I tried to think up all sorts of excuses for not going but, as my sister there wanted to see about my outfit, I had to go. I was on my guard, however, and did not allow any advances on the part of that brother-in-law.

It was a wonderful summer, very gay, as usual. I was quite a young lady by this time, and had much attention.

The Governor of Massachusetts, whose country estate enjoined that of my sister, had recently lost his wife. His family were great friends of my sister’s, and he was at their home a great deal. This summer, the Boston cadets were in camp not far from these two homes, which made it still gayer for the young ladies. There was to be a Governor’s night at the camp, and the question came up as to who should accompany the Governor to the festivities on that occasion. He jokingly, as I thought, said, “Well, young lady, I think you will have to go with me.”

One can imagine my surprise and delight to be chosen for that much coveted role. Yet there was even then a fly in the ointment, as one of the cadets who lived in the town had pleaded for my company, as soon as the official duties were over at the review.

However, I went with the Governor, and was shown all the courtesies of the situation and was, of course, proud indeed.

When all was over in the way of formality, I was seized on by the young cadet, and we had a quiet stroll. Meantime, the Governor’s party was about to leave, and I was nowhere to be found—much to the consternation and dismay of my sister. They went home without me, as someone had told them with whom I was. Soon, the young cadet took me home, and my sister met him with a very sharp tongue. I had mine later. The Governor took it as a joke and seemed to understand it thoroughly.