Chapter III: Part 3

Yea through an excessive eating of raw fruits, and feeding upon multiplicities of sweet-meats; to fulfill their longing; it turns to a griping of the guts and overflowing of the Gall, which again occasion Cholick, & manytimes other lamentable pains. Here is then another new work. There the Doctor must be presently fetcht, and according to what he pleases to order, either a Glister must be set, or some other Physick taken for it.

But by reason these things are not so pleasant to the good woman as the foregoing liquorish delicacies; she thinks it best that the Midwife be sent for, because she hath a great deal better knowledge touching the infirmities of women then the Doctors: Then she is fetcht, and having done the first part of her office, she gives her good comfort; and orders her to take only some of the best white Wine, simper'd up with a little Orange-peel, well sweetned with sugar, and so warm drunk up; and then anoint your self here, and you know where, with this salve; and for medicines [that are most to be found in Confectionres or Pasterers shops] you must be sure to make use of those, then your pain will quickly lessen. You must not neglect also ofttimes to eat a piece of bread and butter with either Caroway or Aniseed Comfits; use also Cinnamon; the first expels wind, and the second strengthens the heart; and they are both good for the woman and the child. Be sure also to drink every morning and every evening a glass of the best sack, for that strengthens the fruit of the womb, and occasions you a good quickness, &c.

Who will doubt, but that she obeys the orders of the Midwife, much better then that of the Doctors. And verily there is also a great deal of difference in the suffering, of such or uneasie fumbling at the back part; or the receiving of such pleasant and acceptable ingredients. And so much the more, when she begins to remember that Doctor Drink-fast used to tell her, that Medicins never make so good an operation, when they are at any time taken against the appetite, or with an antipathy, by the Patient.

Thus you may see, approaching Father, how you are now climb'd up to a higher step of glory: Your manly deeds, make your name renowned; and your joy is so much augmented that your wife looks alwaies merrily and pleasantly upon you, for giving her content; and she now also salutes you with the most sweetest and kindest names imaginable; you must also now be her guest upon all sorts of Summer and Winter fruits, & a thousand other kinds of liquorish and most acceptable dainties. Insomuch that although you did not come into the streets in six months, you may by the humour and actions of your wife know perfectly when Strawberries, Cherries, Apples, Pears, Nuts & Grapes, are in season. And there is no greater pleasure for your best beloved, then that she sees you eat as heartily of them as she her self doth.

Confess then unfeignedly, from the very bottom of your heart; are not these great Pleasures of marriage? And be joyfull; for this is only a beginning, the best comes at last. Know likewise, that this is but as a fore-runner of the sixth Pleasure, and will both touch you at heart, and tickle your purse much better: Yea, insomuch that the experience thereof will shew you that there is a whole mountain of pleasures to be found in the bands of Wedlock. Whereby I fear, that you will, perhaps, make a lamentable complaint, of your no sooner arriving at this happiness.

But comfort your self herewith; that the medicaments of the Doctor and Midwife, perhaps have done such a wished for operation, that you thereby may obtain many Sons and Daughters, which you may then timely admonish and instruct to that duty, so long by your self neglected, and in a manner too late to repent of.

Doubt not, but assuredly beleeve, that now you are once gotten into the right road, you may easily every year see a renovation of this unspeakable pleasure; and beholding your wife oftentimes in this state; in like manner you perceive that not only your name and fame is spread abroad, but your generation also grow formidable. And this all to the glory of your relations, and joy of your dearly Beloved.

* * * * *

THE SIXTH PLEASURE.

_Care is taking for the Child and Child-bed linnen; and to provide a Midwife and Nurse._

In good truth it is very pleasant to see how the good womans Apron from day to day, how longer the more it rises; now all the World may plainly see you have behaved your self like a man, and every one acknowledge that you are both good for the sport. Verily this is a great pleasure! And it increases abundantly, when your wife comes to be so near her reckoning, that she feels her self quick, and begins to provide and take care for the Childs and Child-bed linnen. Then you need not fear the turning of the tide, or that a mischance will happen; wherewith all people, seeing no other issue, laugh and scoff unmeasurably; and think that the Midwife hath been greased in the fist (as it oftentimes happens) because she should say, that it was a full created child, and no collection of ill humors, or a wind-egg.

And the greatest joy is, that you have now so hoisted your top-sail, that your wife cannot any more call you a _Dry-boots_, or a _John Cannot_; which were for you such disrespectfull names, and yet for quietness sake you were forced to smother them in your breast, because you could have no witnesse for your vindication.

You are now so far exalted, that you will very speedily be saluted with the name of _Dad_ & _Pappa_; which is as pleasing and acceptable for you now, as the name of _Bridegroom_ was before.

O how happy you are! & what pleasures doth the married estate provide for you! how glad must your wife be now! how strictly she reckons the months, nay the very weeks and days! O what an unexpressible love hath she for you now! and with what imbraces and kisses she entertains you, because you have furnish'd her shop so well! Now you may perceive that the procreating of children, makes the band of wedlock much stronger, and increaseth the affections.

Now were it well time, that by death either of the good woman or the Child, that you did, by a will, seek the mortification of the disadvantagious Contract of marriage; and by that means get all there is to your self, in place of going back to her friends and relations; But, alas, she hath so much in her head at present, that there is no speaking to her about it, without being a great trouble to her: besides her sences cannot now bear it therefore you must let it alone till another time.

Do you your self but observe, & you'l quickly see that a lying-in requireth so much trimming, that she hath really care enough upon her! the Child-bed linnen alone, is a thing that would make ones head full of dizziness, it consists of so many sorts of knick-knacks; I will not so much as name all the other jinkombobs that are dependances to it. Therefore, ought you to be so compassionate with her, as not to speak to her about any other thing; for all her mind and sences are so imploied upon that subject, that she can think upon nothing else but her down-lying. Hear but deliberately to all her lying-in, and of what belongs to it. Tis no wonder neither for there is not one of her acquaintance comes to her, either woman or maid, but they presently ask her, Well, Mistris, when do you reckon? And that is a Text then, so full of matter that there is oftentimes three or four hours preacht upon it, before any of the Auditors be weary. O that all Ministers were so happy, as to have alwaies such earnest and serious hearers. In the mean while there is no body happier than the maids, for they are then free from being the Town-talk; for at other times, the first word is, How do you like your maid? which is another Text that the women generally preach out of, and make longest sermons in.

But methinks, I should happen to fall here from the Mistris upon the Maid.

To go forward then. See how serious your dearest is, with _Jane_ the Semstress, contriving how much linnen she must buy to make all her Child-bed linnen as it ought to be! how diligently she measures the Beds, Bellibands, Navel clouts, shirts, and all other trincom, trancoms! and she keeps as exact an account of the ells, half ells, quarters, and lesser measures, as if she had gone seven years to school to learn casting of an account.

Let this measuring and reckoning be pleasant to you, because the charge thereof will fall costly enough for you. To morrow she goes to market, to buy two or three pieces of linnen, one whereof must be very fine, and the other a little courser. And you need not take any notice what quantity of fine small Laces she hath occasion for, by reason it might perhaps overcloud this sixth pleasure of marriage, which you now possess.

Why should you not be merry? you have now above all things a Wife to your mind; who whatsoever she imagines, desires or doth, it is alwaies accompanied with wishes. O, saies she, how glad shall I be; when all things is bought that there ought to be for the making of my Child-bed linnen. And no sooner is it bought, but then she wishes that it were made.

But this requires some time: and then you'l have reason to rejoice; for it is commonly the usual custom of the semstresses to let you go and run after them, and fop you off with lies and stories, till the time be so nigh at hand, that it will admit no longer delay.

Yet before you see that your wife hath accomplisht this desire, you'l find her very much troubled at two several causes, which will make you glad when she hath once obtained them. For these are things of importance, to wit, the making choice of a Midwife and a Nurse, because upon one depends the health and preservation of the life of the Woman; and on the other that of the Child.

Let it no waies molest or trouble you, but rather be pleasing and acceptable, if she be continually chattering at you, and desiring your advice and councell, who she shall make choice of or not; hereby you may observe, that you have a very carefull wife; and if you listen a little more narrowly, you will hear what a special care she hath for all things; then she will every day be relating to you that amongst the number of Midwives which have been recommended to her, there is not one that pleases her; for one is too young and unexperienced, another is too old and doting; a third is too big handed; a fourth hath too much talk; and the fifth drinks too much wine. To be short there is so many deficiencies in every one of them, that the good woman hath need of a learned Counsellors advice to help her to chuse the best.

And the like trouble hath she also concerning the taking of a Nurse, having already spent above a months time in examining among her kindred and relations, and other good acquaintance, how such and such nurses have behaved themselves; & she is informed that there are few to be found but have certainly some faults or other, and somtimes very great ones, for one is too sluttish, another saunters too much, a third too lazy; another too dainty: and then again, one eats too much, and another drinks too much; one keeps company too much with the maid, and another in like manner with the good man: And such a one or such a one are the best, but they were not very handy about the hearth, to make ready some liquorish dainty things for the good woman, which is a matter of no small weight.

Behold! hath she not very great cause to be troubled: and thereout you may very well also observe how happy you are, seeing you have gotten a wife that night and day is busie and taking care of all these concerns and other affairs. Yes verily, although her big-belly be very cumbersom to her, yet she must be abroad, every day from morning till evening, to take care and provide all these important things, that nothing may be wanting. Well what a carefull wife you have! how mightily she is concerned for this above all other things whatsoever!

And scarcely hath the good woman gotten these two main instruments; but she finds her self still involved in so much other business, that she hardly can tell how to do or turn her self in it; for now there wants a Groaning stool, a Screen, and a Cradle, with what belongs to it; and heaven knows what more, which have been so long neglected with the care that was taking to get a Midwife and a Nurse. Then again there wants new Hangings, a Down-bed, a Christening-cloath, silver candle sticks, a Caudle-cup, &c. that of necessity must be bought & used at the lying-in, & Gossips feast; so that the good man need not fear that his mony will grow mouldy for want of being turned too & again.

Oh were your dear wife so happy that she had once made an end of all these ponderous affairs, then all would be well: For then she could begin to give order for the making clean the house from top to bottom; and for the pressing of some curtains, Vallians and Hangings; the rubbing of Stools, Chairs and Cupboard; the scouring of the Warming-pan and Chamber-pot: And 'tis no wonder, for when the good woman lies in, then come so many busie bodies that with their glouring eyes are peeping into every hole and corner.

These things do so excessively trouble her brain; that she can hardly the whole day think upon any thing else, yea goes so near her that it oftentimes totally bereaves her of her nights rest insomuch that she is fain to ly very long abed in the morning. And if by night she happen but only to think of Boobincjo, she hath immediately such an alteration in her very intrals, that she feels here or there some or other deficiency; which comes so vehement upon her that the poor husband, though it be never so cold, must out of bed to fetch some Cinnamon and Annis-seed water, or good sack; or else some other such sort of those liquorish ingredients and then these are the principal keys of Musick that the whole night through are sung and plaid upon. O how happy is the good man, that he hath, from time to time, in her child-bearing, learned all these things with so much patience, which makes him now that he can the better bear with all these finical humours.

But for this again, O compassionate Ninny-hammer, you shall have not only great commendations for your patience; but the pleasure also that some of your nearest relations will come and kiss your hands, and withall tell you how happy you are that y'are almost arrived at that noble degree of being intituled Father. And then, with great respect & reverence, they desire to receive the honour, some of being your first-born childs God-fathers, and others to be God-mothers: Neither will they then be behind hand in presenting the Child with several liberal gifts, as an acknowledgement of the honour they receive, above others, in being favoured with your Gossipship.

Well who would not, for so much honour and respect, but now and then suffer the trouble of his wives quamish stomack with some charges to't? And more then that, you have now the best opportunity in the World, to go with your new chosen Gossips, (as you did before with your Bridemen) & chuse & taste out some of the most delicious Wine, for you must be sure to store your Cellar well, because then both the Bridemen and Bride-maids will certainly come to eat some of the long-look'd for Caudle; besides the great number of friends that will come then also to give you a visit, and with all respect wish you much joy: I will not so much as think any thing of those that will come also to the Christning and Gossips Feast.

Be joyfull with this, till such time as the t'other Pleasure begins to appear.

* * * * *

THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.

_The Woman falls in Labour._

Behold, young couple, hitherto a considerable deal of time is spent and passed over, with the aforesaid Mirth and Pleasures; do not you now perceive what a vast difference is between the married or unmarried estate? You have, by provision, made your self Master of these six Pleasures; nay oftentimes before you have gotten the longd-for joy of the fourth Pleasure, appears that of the seventh very unexpectedly; for the good woman begins to look so sour, grumble, grunt and groan, that it seems as if she would go into the Garden and fetch a Babe out of the Parsley-bed.

But Uds-lid this is a great-surprizal; for a little while ago she said that she was but seventh months gone of her reckoning. How then? should she have jested upon it? or has the good woman lost her book, and so made a false account? Yet this being the first time of her reckoning, ought the more favourably to be passed by as long as the Trade goes forwards.

There's now no small alarm in the Watch. Who is there that is but near or by the hand that is not set a work! Oh, was Dorothy the Semstress, and Jane the laundress now here, what a helping hand we might have of them! Where are now the two Chair-women also, they were commonly every day about the house, and now we stand in such terrible need of them, they are not to be found? Herewith must the poor Drone, very unexpectedly, get out of bed, almost stark naked, having hardly time to put on his shoes and stockins; for the labour comes so pressing upon her, that it is nothing but, hast, hast, hast, fetch the Midwife with all possible speed, and alas, there is so many several occasions for help, that she cannot miss her maid the twinkling of an eye; neither dare she trust it to the Maids fetching, for fear she should not find the Midwives house; and she hath not shewed it her, because she made her reckoning that she had yet two months more to go.

Therefore without denial away the good man himself must to fetch the Midwife; for who knows whether or no she would come so quick if the maid went; nay it is a question also, being so late in the night, whether she would come along with the maid alone, because she dwells in a very solitary corner clearly at the t'other end of the City: (for after a ripe deliberation of the good woman, the lot fell so that she made choice of this grave and experienced Midwife).

Away runs the poor man without stop or stay, as if he were running for a wager of some great concern. And though it be never so cold, the sweat trickles down by the hair of his head, for fear he should not find the Midwife at home; or that perhaps she might be fetcht out to some other place, from whence she could not come. And if it should happen so, we are all undone, for the good woman must have this Midwife, or else she dies; neither can or dare she condescend to take any of the other, for the reasons afore mentioned.

But what remedy? if there must come another, then she will so alter, vex, and fret her self at it, that all the provocations of pains in labour, turns against her stomack, and there is no hopes further for that time.

But whilest you are running, and consider in this manner hope the best; rather think with your self, what great joy is approaching unto you, if your wife, thus soon, come to be safely delivered of a hopefull Son or Daughter: In the first place, you will be freed from all that trouble of rising in the night, and from the hearing of the grumbling and mumbling of your wife; two months sooner then you your self did expect you should have been.

Be not discomforted although she doth thus unexpectedly force you out of bed, before you have hardly slept an hour, for you see there's great occasion for't; and now is the time to show that you truly love your wife. This first time will make it more accustomary, the first is also commonly the worst. And if you be so fortunate that at the very first you happen to meet with this prudent and grave Matron Midwife, & do bring her to your longing-for dearly beloved Wife; yet nevertheless you may assure your self, that before you can arrive to have the full scope and heighth of this Pleasure, you'l find something more to do: For the Midwife is not able alone to govern and take care of all things that must be fetcht, brought and carried to and again; therefore of necessity the friends must be fetcht with all the speed imaginable, viz. Sisters, Wives, Aunts, Cousins, and several familiar good acquaintances must have notice of it, and be defraied to come to her quickly, quickly, without any delay; and if you do not invite them very ceremonially, every one according to their degrees and qualities, it is taken to be no small affront.

It hath hapned more then a hundred times that the Sister afterwards would not come to the Christning Feast; because, by chance, she heard, that the Brothers wife had notice given her of the Child-bearing before her self; little considering how few people the young people had in the night to assist them; or that the confusion and unexperiencedness was the occasion that they did not think of such a method or order. Nay oftentimes is this sort of jealousie arisen between the Aunt and Cousin; whereby may most certainly be observed the intelligibility of the most prudent female sex.

'Tis true this running seems both troublesom and tiresom but little doth the good man know that he is now first come into that noble School & herein his patience shall be effectually exercised or that this is but the first year of trying the same! O how happy are they that are well instructed in it.

Do but see how impatient the good expecting Father is. What is there not yet wanting, before he hath his lesson perfect! Behold the poor Drone, how he moves too & fro! see what a loss and tostication he is in! he tramples his hat under his feet, pulls the hair off his head, not knowing what he would do, or which way to help his dear Wife; and the Friends that were sent for do not come so quick as he expected, because the most part of them must first trick and prick themselves up before that they dare come; the one fearing the piercing view of another, though they be all near relations and friends.

Here he stands trembling, not knowing which way to turn himself. Womens assistance is at this present most requisite, and a good Stierman at Stern, or the ship may run upon a sand. She runs first backwards then forwards; seeks here then there. And although he hath the keys of all the Chests, and Trunks, his head runs so much a Wool gathering, that, let him do what he will, he can find no sort of those things he most stands in need of.

Alas all things is thus out of order, by reason the good woman did not think to come so soon in Childbed. Oh what manner of Jinkinbobs are not here wanting that are most useful at this occasion; and the Midwife cries and bawls for them that she's hoarse again! here's both the groaning-stool and the screen yet to be made: And Mistris _Perfect_ hath them both, but they are lent out.

Yonder Peg the maid runs her anckle out of joint, and her self out of breath, to desire to borrow them of Mistris _Buy-all_. And she's hardly gotten out of dores, before they perceive that the warming pan is yet to be bought; and that that's worst of all, is, that all the Child-bed linnen is not yet starch'd or iron'd; oftentimes it happens that it is yet upon the Bankside at bleach. What a miserable condition is this!

Here the good man is at no small quandary, with all the women, oh were this the greatest disappointment for him! but presently he sees all the womens countenances looking very dole-fully and mournfully at each other, one beginning to pray; another to cry in; there comes a great alteration in the pangs and pains of her Labour; nay they are so desperate, that the fear is, either the mother or the child, or perhaps both must go to pot. For all whatsoever the Doctor hath prescribed, or that hath been fetcht from the Apothecaries; nay the very girdle of Saint _Francis_ can work here no miracle.

Uds bud, this is but a sad spectacle. Oh, says Peg the maid, doth this come by marrying? I'l never venture it as long as I live. I do beleeve that it is very pleasurable to ly with a Gentleman, but the Child-bearing hath no delight at all in it. Oh I am affraid, if there come not a sudden change, that my good Mistris will not be able to undergo it. Oh sweet pretty blossom as she is.

'Tis most true, that here wants crums of comfort both for the husband and the wife; yea for the Midwife and all the rest of the Women beside; for they all cry that the tears run streaming down their cheeks; and neither their Cinamon-water, nor burnt wine, can any waies refresh or strengthen her. Uds-lid: if there come no other tiding the sweetness of this pleasure will prove but bitter to them.

But hark a little! there comes something of a tiding, that brings us five pounds worth of courage with it. Two or three more such, would make every one of our hearts a hundred pound lighter, and the great Caudle Skellet would begin to quake and tremble.

Pray have a little patience, tarry, and in the twinkling of an eye you shall be presented with a Child, and saluted with the title of Father.

* * * * *

THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.

_The Womans brought to bed._

Ha boys! after all the toiling, the happy hour is at last arrived, that the good Woman, finally is delivered & brought to bed: well this is a mirth and pleasure that far surpasseth all the other; for the good man is, by a whole estate, richer than he was before.

Who can imagine or comprehend the jollity of this new Father? O he is so overjoyed that it is inexpressible: Doll and Peg must out immediately to give notice of it to all the friends and acquaintance; thinking to himself that every body else will be as jocund and merry at it as he is. Do but see how busie he is! behold with what earnestness he runs up and down the house to give order that the great Caudle Skillet may be in a readiness!

What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attending the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris _Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all things topsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfull assistance? And wo be to the Child-bed woman, if they do but find any where a Clout, Napkin or Towel, that by chance hath either a hole or a rent in it: for one or another of them will with grinning and laughing thrust her finger through it, and then shew it to the rest, taking also the first opportunity she can lay hold of, when they are a little at liberty, to make a whole tittle-tattle about it, and very much admireth the carelessness and negligence of the Child-bed woman; as if she were a greater wast-all, and worse house-wife than any of them else when to the contrary, if you should by accident come into any of their Garrets, when the linnen is just come home from washing you would oftentimes find it in such a condition, that you might very well imagine your self to be in Westminster Hall where the Colours that are Trophies of honour are hung up, one full of holes, another tatter'd & torn, and a third full of mildew.

Yet notwithstanding all this peeping and snuffling in to every nook and corner, they finally get the Child swathled: And then to the great joy of the Father, it must be presented him in state by the Midwife, with this golden expression, a Proverb not above two hundred years old, _Father, see there is your Child, God give you much joy with it, or take it speedily into his bliss._

Uds bud how doth this tickle him! what a new mirth and pleasure is this again! see him now stand there and look like a Monky with a Cat in his arms. O what a delicate pretty condition he's now in!

Well Midwife look to't, for this joy hath taken such a tyrannical possession of his heart, that doubt not but immediately there will be a good present for you, when he gives it you back again. 'Tis no wonder, for if it be a Son, he is at least a thousand pound richer then he was before: though he may look long enough before he'l find a Bankers Bond in his Chest for the sum.

Now whilest the Child is swadled and drest up, all the other trinkum trankums are laid aside; and the Table is spread neatly to entertain the friends, who not alone for novelties sake, but also out of a sweet tooth'd liquorish appetite, long to see what is prepared for them. And I beleeve that although the Kings Cook had drest it, yet there will be one or another of them that will be discommending something, and brag that she could have made it much delicater, if there be then any one that seems not fully to beleeve her, immediately she cites two or three Ladies for her witnesses, who have given her the greatest praise and commendations for her dressing of such dishes above all others. And who can have better judgement than they? This is then a discourse for at least three hours, for they are all of them so well verst in the Kitchin affairs, that its hard for one to get a turn to speak before the other.

But this is an extraordinary Pleasure for this new Father to hear out of all their prittle pratlings how sweetly they will commend the Quill that hath received all the Colchester Oisters, Cox-combs, Sweetbreads, Lam-stones, and many other such like things, for they have found by experience that such sort of ingredients occasion very much the kindness of men to their wives. Yes, yes, saies M^{rs}. _Luxury_ it is very good for my husband, and not amiss for any pallate neither, and I'm sure the better I feed my Pig, the better it is for me in the soucing out. And this discourse then is held up with such an earnestness, and continues so long, that the Child-bed woman almost gets an Ague with it, or at the least falls from one swooning into another, whilest there is not so much as any one that thinks upon her.

Happy is the good man, if he can but act the part of a Ninny, and hath busied himself for the most part in the Kitchin; then he may be now and then admitted to cast in his verdict; otherwise, let them talk as long as they will, he is forced in great misery to afford them audience. But it is much better for him, if, according as the occasion gives opportunity, there be now and then spoken something concerning the Child-bed woman, or about the shaking of the sheets, which is seldom forgotten; because he is now already so far advanced in the Cony-craft of that School, that he is gotten up to the Water Bucket.

In the mean while Peg runs too and again, almost like one out of her sences, to hunt for the Nurse, who dwels in a little street upon a back-Chamber, or in an Ally, or some other by-place; and she is just now no where else to be found but at t'other end of the City, there keeping another Gentle woman in Child-bed.

Here is now again other fish to fry, for one will not be without her, and t'other must needs have her, each pretending to have an equal right to her. And the Nurse, finding that each of them so much desires her, thinks no small matter of her self, but that she is as wise as many a Ladies woman or Salomons Cat, and that her fellow is hardly to be found. But before some few daies are past, there's a great trial to be made of the Nurses experience and understanding; for, let them do what they will or can, the Child will not suck; yea, and what's worse, it hath gotten a lamentable Thrush. Alas a day what bad work is here again, the Nurse is so quamish stomackt that she cannot suck her Mistres, therefore care must be taken to find out some body or other that will come and suck the young womans breasts for twelve pence a time; or else her breasts will grow hard with lumps and fester for want of being drawn. Or else also with the sucking she gets in the tipples.

Now is the right time to fetch the Apothecary to make ready plaisters, and bring Fennel-water to raise the milk, that the lumps may be driven away; and most especially that the cloves in the tipples may be cured. Help now or never good M^{r}. Doctor, for if this continue much longer, the young woman perhaps gets an Ague that may then cost her her life.

Verily, in this state and condition of the woman is also some pleasure to be found, for you may keep your wife now very cheap; she is not now so liquorish and sweet-tooth'd, as when she was with Child; which in deed is very good at all times, but most especially in this pittifull time for there's now nothing fitter for her to eat then a little good broth, stew'd Prunes, Caudle, Water-gruel, roasted Apples, or new laid Egs.

But now, Father, your Pleasure will immediately be augmented, for it will not be long before you will have some or other Gentlewomen come to give you a visit, who will then also out of their Closets of understanding be very much assistant to you with their advice and counsel for there are very few of them that are not deeply experienced in Sir _Thomas Browns_ Mid-wivery, and if any thing do happen more then ordinary, they never want for remedies.

Now there is Doctor _Needhams_ wife, who by her own experimenting, hath knowledge of several other things: But upon such an occasion as this, there is nothing better then that the child must be glister'd; and for the lumps you must indevour through a continual chafing to get them out of the young womans breasts. But Mistris _Rattle-pate_ relates, how miserably, she was troubled with an humour in her breast, when she lay in; but that she had alwaies cured her self of it, by only taking a Sandwich Carrot, and scraping it hollow in the inside, and then put like a hat upon the tipple, this drew out all ill humour, without any pain, or the least fear of danger.

Yes truly, saith Mrs _Talk-enough_, I do indeed forsooth beleeve that that is very good, but here are very sore nipples, and they begin to be chop'd; and there must be a special care taken for that; therefore it will not be amiss to strengthen the nipples with a little _Aqua vitæ_, and then wash them with some Rosewater that hath kernels of Limons steep'd in it. There's nothing like it, or better, I have lain in of thirteen children, but never tried any thing that did me so much good, or gave me half the ease. Pray, dear Mistris, be sure to make use of that, you will never repent it.

But Mistris _Know-all_ saith, that she hath made use of this also, and found some ease by it; and that she hath tried above an hundred other things, that were approved to be good; yet of all things never found nothing under the Sun that was more noble then _Salvator Winter's_ Salve, for that cures immediately: And you can have nothing better.

Yet Mistris _Stand to't_, begins to relate wonderfull operations done with oyl of Myrrhe; and of the plaisters that are made by the Gentlewoman in Py-yard.

Now comes the sage Matron Experience, saying that she hath learnt a secret from a prudent Doctor that's worth its weight in Gold, nor can the vertue thereof be too much commended. And she hath already communicated it unto several persons; but there are none that tried it who do not praise it to be incomparable: therefore she hath been very vigilant to note it down in S. _John Pain_, and _Nic-Culpeppers_ Works; to the end that her posterity may not only make use of it, but participate it to others: This is, _Lapis Calaminaris_ prepared, mingled with a small quantity of May-butter, and then temper them together with the point of a knife upon an earthen plate, just as the Picture Drawers do their Colours upon their Pallet, which will bring it to be a delicate salve; and is also very soft and supple for the chops of the tipples; nay, though the child should suck it in, yet it doth it no harm; and it doth not alone cure them, but prevents the coming of any more.

Yes, saith Mistris _Consent to all_, and my advice is then to take a little horn, with a sheeps udder, & lay that upon the Tipples, for that defends them, and occasions their curing much better and sooner.

O what a pleasure it is to hear all the pretty considerations of so many prudent Doctresses! If _Clement Marot_ might but revive, I am sure he would find here as many Doctresses, as ever there were Doctors at Paris. But O how happy will this fortunate new Father be, when he may but once see the back-sides of all these grave and nice Doctresses! But my truth, this may very well be registred for one of the most accomplished Pleasures.

But yet all this doth not help the young woman. Perhaps all these remedies may be good, saith the Grand-Mother but they are not for our turns; for alas a day, the very smell of salve makes her fall into a swoon; neither can she suffer the least motion of sucking, for the very pain bereaves her of her sences. What shall we do then? to keep a Wet-Nurse is both very damageable, and cruel chargeable; for Wet-Nurses are generally very lazy and liquorish, and they are ever chatting and chawing something or other with the Maids; and in their manner they baptize it, with saying it is very necessary & wholesom for the Child. And then again, to put the Child out to Nurse, hath also several considerations; first it estrangeth much from you, and who knows how ill they may keep it. Therefore it is best to keep it at home, and indeavour the bringing of it up with the Spoon, feeding it often with some pure and cordial diets fit for the appetite, and now and then giving it the sucking bottle.

But what remedy now? this is all to no purpose: For though the Grandmother, Nurse, and Ant do what they can, yet all their labour's lost. And the Child is so froward and peevish, that the Nurse is ready to run away from it; nay, though she dandle and play with it alwaies till past midnight, it is but washing the Black-a-more; in so much that a Wet-Nurse must be sought for, or away goes the Child to _Limbo_. For this again is required good advice, and the chusing of a good one hath its consideration: But the tender heartedness and kind love that the Mother hath for her Child can no way suffer this, she will rather suck it her self though the pain be never so great. Yet having tried it again a second time, the pain is so vehement that it is impossible to withstand it; therefore the new Father cannot be at quiet till there be a Wet-Nurse found and brought to them. For it goes to the very heart of both Father and Mother to put the Child out to Nurse.

And do but see after much seeking and diligent inquiring, the new made Grandmother, hath at last found one, who is a very neat cleanly and mighty modest woman, her husband went a little while ago to the _East-Indies_, & her child died lately.

This is no small joy but an extraordinary Pleasure, both for the new Father, and Child-bed woman. Oh now their hearts are at rest. And now all things will go well; for as the Wet-Nurse takes care of the Child; the dry Nurse doth of the Mother, & all this pleases the good Father very well.

Now Child-bed-woman your time is come to make much of your self, that you may recover strength. Now you wont be troubled with the pains of sucking, or disturbed of your natural rest: now you must let the Wet-Nurse take care for every thing, and look after or meddle with nothing your self. Now you must sleep quietly, eat heartily, and groan lustily. And though you be very well and hearty, yet you must seem to be weak and quamish stomackt; for first or last the month of lying-in must be kept full out. Do but think now by your self what you have a mind either to eat, or drink; the first and worst daies are with the tossing and turmoiling passed by; neither can you recover any strength with eating of Water-gruel, sugar-sops, rosted Apples, and new laid Egs; you are not only weary of them, but it is too weak a diet for you. The nine daies are almost past, and now you must have a more strengthening diet; to wit, a dish of fine white Pearch, a roasted Pullet, half a dozen of young Pigeons, some Wigeons or Teal, some Lams-stones, Sweetbreads, a piece of roast Veal, and a delicate young Turky, &c. And whilest you are eating, you must be sure to drink two or three glasses of the best Rhenish wine, very well sweetned with the finest loaf sugar, you must also be very carefull of drinking any French wine, for that will too much inflame you.

O new Father, what a Pleasure must all these things be for you; and especially, because now you begin at the Bed-side to eat and drink again with your Child-bed wife; and you begin also to perceive that if all things advance as they hitherto have done, you may then again in few daies make fresh assaults of hugging and embracing her.

This is that jolly month or six weeks that all women talk so pleasantly of; because it learns them alwaies such a curious remembrance. And really it is almost impossible that the husband at these rates can grow lean with it; because he as well as his wife sits to be cram'd up too: And he can now with his dearest daily contrive and practice what the Nurse shall make ready, that his Child-bed wife may eat with a better appetite, and recover new strength again. I would therefore advise the carefull Nurse as a friend, that she should be sure to provide her self with the _Compleat Cook_, that she might be the more ready to help the Child-bed woman to think upon what she hath a mind to have made ready, for her brains are but very weak yet; so that she cannot so quickly and easily remember at first what is pleasantest and wholesomest to be eaten.

O thrice happy new Father that have gotten such a prudent diligent and carefull Nurse for your Child-bed wife! what great Pleasure is this! And behold, by this delicate eating and drinking, your Dearest begins from day to day to grow stronger and stronger; insomuch that she begins to throw the Pillow at you, to spur you up to be desirous of coming to bed to her: Yea, she promiseth you, that before she is out of Child-bed, she will make you possessor of another principal and main Pleasure.

* * * * *

THE NINTH PLEASURE.

_Of the Gossips Feast._

Now, O new Father, you have had the possession of eight pleasures, which undoubtedly have tickled you to some purpose.

But now there is a new one approaching, that will be as full of so many joyfull delights and wishings of prosperity, as ever the first and most famous hath been; for it seems as if your Child-bed wife begins to be a weary of this lazy liquorish life, and to leave off her grunting and groaning; because she now longs to be gadding up and down the street, or standing at the dore with her Babe in her arms.

But before this can be done, you know that there ought to be a Gossips Feast kept. To this end the Nurse must be sent abroad; and a serious Counsel held, as if the Parliament of women were assembled, to consult who shall be invited, and who not. 's Wounds, what a list of relations and strange acquaintance are here sum'd up in a company together, to be invited to the Gossipping Feast. 'Tis impossible, the Nurse can ever do this all in one day; because she would not willingly miss any of them, out of the earnest hopes she hath of the Presents she expects. And then also she must give an account to every one of them that are invited of the state and condition of the Child-bed woman and her Child. I wonder that there is no body that sollicites to have the Office of an Inviter to all such sort of Gossippings, but the women understand these affairs and the ordering of such sort of invitations much better than any one else, therefore 'tis not necessary.

O, new Father, what a sweet Delight and Pleasure you must needs have in reviewing this great List of your Gossips! What multiplicities of wishes of joy and prosperity have you to expect! But if I were to be your Counsellor, I assure you I would order the Nurse to desire Doctor _Toss-bowl_, my Lord _Drinkfirst_ and then the other Gentlemen, to wit, Masters _Cleardrinker, Dryliver, Spillnot, Sup-up, Seldom-sober_, and _Shift-gut_, to fetch home their Wives in good time from the Gossipping; because you have other mens Wives, who are your near relations, that you must entertain longer; and they otherwise will never think of rising or going home though it were midnight: And by this means you will have a fit opportunity, with a full Bowl and a Pipe, to wash away that rammish sent of a Child-bed out of your brains; and also after many hopes, once arrive to the height of receiving your full delight and pleasure. And then you may e'en clap it all together upon the account of a Lying-in.

Now Nurse, here you have work by whole hand-fulls: for you shall no sooner have made an end of your other errands, but immediately there's so much tricking and pricking of all things up in neat order against the coming of the sharp-sighted guests; that it's a terror to think on't. Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris _Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are. And 'tis a wonder if they do not look into the Seat, to see whether there be no Spyders webs spun in it; or whether the Goldfinders Merchandize be of a good colour, equal-size and thickness.

But come let's pass all this by: for in the middle of these incumbrances, the time will not only fly away; but we shall, at the hour appointed, be surprized by our Guests. Uds life, how busie the Wet and Dry-Nurses are with dressing the Babe neatly. Now Father, look once upon your Child! O pretty thing! O sweet-fac'd dainty darling! 'tis Father's own picture! Well what would not one undergo to be the Mother of so fine an Angel! And who can or dare doubt any thing of it, for the Mother loves it, and the Father beleeves it, nay and all the friends that come tumbling in one upon another to-day, do confirm it: For behold, every one looks earnestly at the Babe; and doth not a little commend his prettiness. One saith it is as like the Father (alias Daddy) as one drop of Water is like another. Another, that the upper part of the face, forehead, eys and nose incline very much to be like the mother; but downwards it is every bit the Father. And who forsooth should not beleeve it, if it be a son. Every one is in an admiration. O me, what a pretty sweet Infant! Nurse, you have drest it up most curiously! And truly there's no cost spar'd for the having very rich laces.

Thus they ly and tamper upon this first string, till the Child-bed woman begins to enter upon the relating what great pain in travell she had to fetch this Child out of the Parsly-bed, what a difference there was between her, and others of her acquaintance, &c. Thereout every one hath so much matter, as would make a long-winded sermon; and the conclusion generally is the relating how and when the good man crept to bed to her again; and how such a one had been a fortnight with Child, before she went to receive her churching. Where upon another comes with a full-mouth'd confession, that her husband was not half so hot.

Do but tarry a little yet, till the Gossipping-bowl hath gone once or twice more about with old Hock; then you'l hear these Parrots tell you other sorts of tales.

In the mean while, do but see the husband, poor _Nicholas None-eys_ how he rejoyces, that his wife is so reasonable strong again; and that she is so neatly trickt up sitting in state in the best furnished room, by the bed-side! O what a pleasure this is! O how he treats all the women with delicate Marget Ale, and Sack and Sugar! [unless he begin to bethink himself, and for respects sake or frugality, sets some bottles aside; because he perceives it to be nothing else but a vast expence and womens Apish tricks]. How busie he is in carving for them of his Roast-beef, Capons, Turkey-py, Neats-tongue, or some other savoury bit to make their mouths relish their liquor the better; and then stand fast Bowls and glasses for they resolve not to flinch from it. And indeed why should he not? for he is now a whole estate richer then he was before; and what need he care for it then.

Well behold here! Now the womens mouths are a beginning to be first a little warm; and none of them all can be silent, though they should speak of their own Commodities.