Chapter VII: Part 7

Nevertheless my intent is, not so much to flatter the evil or bad natured women, as if their throwing out their ire upon their husbands, had alwaies a Lawfull excuse or cause. Just as Xantippe did, who was Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss. Or that it did any waies become that hot-ars'd whorish Faustina, to govern that sage and understanding Emperor Marcus Aurelius. By no means, for then that hot-spirited, and high minded sex would prick up their Peacocks-tails so much the higher. But happy would all these hair-brain'd houswives be, if they had such Tutors to their husbands, as Aurelius was; 'tis most certain, that then that corrupt seed, would be cropt in the very bud and not be suffered to come to perfection.

Yet you new married Couple, are both in heart and mind concordant, and all your delight is to please each others fancy: you have no difference about the Supremacy; for the Authority of the one is alwaies submitted to the other; and so much the more because your husband never commands you as if you were a Maid; but with the sweetest and kindest expressions, saith, my Dearest, will you bid the Maid draw a glass of Beer or Wine, or do this or that, &c. Oh if you could but both keep your selves in this state and posture, how happily and exemplarily would you live in this World! But it happens many times, that the Women through length of time, do take upon them, and grow to be so free, that they will be solely and totally Master; and if their husbands through kind-heartedness have given them a little more then ordinary liberty, they will have the last word in spight of fate.

So have I seen one who could by no means keep her self in that first and Paradice-like life; who observing her husbands good nature, thought her self wise enough to govern all things, and to bring him to her Bow; which, by degrees, to his great discontent, did more and more increase in matters of the housekeeping.

But it hapned once that the good man, went to the Market, and having bought a delicate Capon, meets with a friend, whom he invited to be his guest; and going home with it, his wife powts, maunders and mutters and looks so sowr that the guest saw well enough how welcome he should be. The good man with fair and kind words sought to remove this, which was in some measure done.

But a pretty while after, the goodman being in the market, buies a couple of delicate Pullets, and sends them home with a Porter; but the Wife told him she had made ready somthing else, and had no need of them; therefore, let him say what he would, made him bring them back again: The good man meeting with the Porter, and perceiving the cross-grainedness of his wife, sends them to a Tavern to be made ready, and gets a friend or two along with him to dispatch them, and dript them very gallantly with the juice of Grapes. At this, when he came home, his wife grin'd, scolded, and bawl'd; yet done it was, and must serve her for a future example. And she on the contrary persisting in her stif-necked ill nature, made a path-road for the ruine of her self and family, because he afterwards, to shun his wife, frequented more then too much Taverns and Alehouses, and gave the breeches solely to his wife.

Not long ago, just in the like manner, there married an indifferent handsom Gentlewoman, with a proper, handsom, honest and good natured Gentleman; but the Gentlewoman imagining her self to be as wise as a Doctor, acted the part of a Domineerer, controuling, grumbling and chiding at all whatsoever he did; insomuch that all his sweet expressions could no waies allay her; but rather augmented her rage; yea insomuch that at last she saluted him with boxes and buffettings. But he seeing that no, reasons or perswasions would take place, and that she grew the longer the more furious, locks the dore to, and catches her by the coif, instructing her with such a feeling sence, that at last she got open a window and leaps out, thereby escaping the remaining part of that dance. Away she flies immediately to her Father and her Brother, but they, very well knowing her ill-natured obstinacy, both denied her houseroom. Yet the next day, through the intercession of others, there was a pacification made and a truce concluded on, which did not long continue so. For she, beginning again her former wicked actions, made him run to the Tavern there to allay his disturbed sences, leaving her to wear the Breeches. But now they are rid of mony, credit, respect, and every thing else.

Another Gentlewoman of late daies, seeing that she had married a good mild-natured husband, that was not guilty of any vice, exercised her authority and wickedness so much the more over him; yea so far, that in the presence of several neighbors she oftentimes knockt, thumpt, and cudgelled him; that at last she was called by every one _The incarnate Divel_. But he, after some years of suffering this martyrdom, hapning to dy, there comes another Lover very suddenly to cast himself away upon this Hellish peece of flesh; but she had of him, being a just punishment, such a beloved, that he thunderd her three times as bad about, as she did her first husband; and then flew Pots, Kans and Glasses ringling and gingling along the flore, and she on the top of them, well and warm covered with good thumps and fisty-cuffs, and somtimes traild over the flore by the hair of the head. O miserable terrors of such a horrible State and condition! Who can but shake and quiver, yea with fear start back, when they begin to feel the least motion to the same in their bodies? and so much the more, because that we see that this present World is so mightily replenished with such numbers of monstrous, wicked and unhappy women, who hide their wickedness and ill natures under their powdered locks, and flattring looks; and like a Camelion, in their Maiden estate, will be agreeable to all things that are propounded to them; but being married, they abandon all rationality, make their own passions their masters, and cannot understand by any means the pleasures of their husbands. Though they certainly know, and have daily experience, that there is nothing under the Sun, which hath a bewitchinger power upon the hearts of their husbands, then the friendliness and kind compliance of their Wives. This hath in ancient times done a thousand wonders and is as yet the most powerfull to drive all stuborn and ill-natured humors out of the heads of men; and can lead them, as it were by the hand, in to the paths of Reason, Equity and Love.

O happy Women, who, in this manner have the hearts of men in your hands, and can bring the same to your obedience where you will; what means and waies ought you not to indeavour by dallyings and kind actions to gain the same on your side! you certainly know, that the main Butt which is aim'd at by all mankind, is to pass through this short life of ours with pleasure and quietness: But alas! what life, what rest, what pleasure can he possess in this World, who hath hapned upon a scolding, and no waies friendly wife?

Oh if all Lovers knew this so well, they would never suffer themselves to be led away captive by the jettish eys, and marble-like breasts, or strangle themselves in the curled locks of women; but would imbrace their kind naturedness to be the surpassingest beauty.

But the carnal desires, and covetousness of mony, blindeth the eys of so many, that oftentimes for the satisfaction thereof, they will, contrary to all exhortations, run headlong, and cast themselves into a pit of infinite horrors and vexations of Spirit: chusing rather a proud, finical, blockheaded Virgin with two thousand pound, then a mean, kind-hearted, understanding one, with ten thousand Vertues.

This was that which the prudent King Lycurgus sought to prevent, when he gave out his commands that no Parents should give any portions with their Daughters in marriage, or might leave them any thing for an inheritance; because he would not have them to be desired in marriage by any, but for their beauty and vertues; in those daies the vitious remained, just as now doth the poor ones, most of them unmarried, and cast aside, and every Maid was hereby spur'd up, that her Vertues might in brightness and splendor surpass others.

Happy are you, O Father of the Family, who without the least thoughts of Lycurgus, have made so good a choice and have gotten a Wife that is beautifull, rich, good natured, and vertuous; you learnt first to know her well, that you might the better woe her, and so be happy in marriage. Make this your example, O all you foolish and wandring Lovers, who are so desirous to tast of the Pleasures and sweetness of marriage; and are somtimes so disquieted and troubled till you cast your selves upon an insulting, domineering Wife, who perhaps hath the Breeches already on, and will vex you with all the torments imaginable in the World. Do but use these few remedies for your squandered brains, and be assured they will bring you to have good fortune and tranquility.

Search not after great Riches, but for one of your own degree; for the Rich are insulting, self-conceited, and proud.

Admire no outward beauty; because they are proud of their beauty, and imagine themselves to be Goddesses, whom their husbands ought to obey.

Shun those who are much lesser then your self: For when a mean one finds her self promoted by a great Match, she is much prouder and self-conceited then one of a good extraction; and will much sooner than another indeavour to domineer over her husband.

Dissemble not in your wooing. For dissimulation deceives its own Master.

Be not too hasty. For a thing of importance must be long and prudently considered of, before a final conclusion can be made.

Follow the advice of understanding friends. For to be wise, and in love, was not given to the Gods themselves.

Chuse no Country wench: For she'l want a whole years learning, before she'l know how to shine upon a house or Office, and two years to learn to make a cursie.

If you marry, arm your self with patience. For he that hath the yoke of marriage upon his shoulders, must patiently suffer and indure all the disquiets and troubles that that estate is subject to.

If these things be observed by you innocent and wandring Lovers, they will much assist you in your choice, but not preserve you from being a slave; because the Gentlewoman whom you have chosen, hath till this time be past, had one or other ill condition, which she knew how to hide and dissemble with, that you never so much as thought of, or expected from her. Cornelius Agrippa knew this in his daies, when he said, men must have and keep their wives, e'en as it chanceth; if they be (saies he) merry humored, if they be foolish, if they be unmannerly, if they be proud, if they be sluttish, if they be ugly, if they be dishonest, or whatsoever vice she is guilty of, that will be perceived after the wedding, but never amended. Be therefore very vigilant, you wandring Lovers, and sell not your liberty at so low a price, which cannot be redeemed again with a whole Sea of repentances.

And you, O silent Gentlewomen, methinks you long to know whether there be no remedies for you to be had, that you may also be as well arm'd against the rigid natured, subtle and dissembling Lovers, as well as they have against the vitious Gentlewomen; take notice, that since you have subjected your selves to that foolish fashion of these times, never of your selves to go a wooing; but with patience will expect who will come for you, that rule must be first observed, and regard taken of him that cometh, then it is the time to consider, principally.

Whether he loveth you for your mony, or for your beauty.

Inquire whether he have a good method, or way, for the maintaining of a Family. For if he have not that to build upon, the whole foundation will tumble.

Search also whether he be of an honest, rather then great extraction. For Vertue is the greatest Gentility.

Inquire also whether he be a frequenter of Alehouses; especially of such as are of an evill reput.

_To be a lover of such houses,
Makes him to think of other Spouses._

If he be covetous of honour, he hath several other Vertues.

Hate a Gamester like the Plague; for they are consumers of all; nay their very gain is loss.

Abhor a person of no imploy, or gadder along the streets; for they are fit for nothing.

If you marry, shew all honour, respect, and love to your husband. Indeavour not to Lordize over him; because that, both by Heaven and nature is given unto him.

In so doing, you will have, as well as our new-married Couple, the expectation of a happy match; which though it falls out well, yet is subject to severall accidental corruptions; as you will perceive in the further Confession of the insuing Pleasures, even as if they were a Looking-glass.

THE SEVENTH PLEASURE.

_The bad times teaches the new married Couple. Makes them brave housekeepers. They take in Lodgers, and give good examples to their Children._

It was formerly very pleasant living, when Trading and Merchandizing flourished so nobly, that every evening people were fain to carry a whole drawer full of mony out of the Counter in to the Counting-house; and then the good woman had alwaies two or three hours work to sort it, before they could so much as think of going to bed: but it seems that destructive War, as being a scourge from Heaven, for our dissatisfied Spirits; hath so lamentably humbled the Land of our Nativity, that there are very few who have not now just causes enough to complain.

And you, O young people, shall be witnesses hereof, who have already, in that short time that you have been married, experience that things do not alwaies run upon wheels so merrily as was expected. 'Tis true you possess the Pleasure of an indifferent Trade, as well as the rest of your Neighbours; but it is not in any measure to be compared with those golden daies that your Ancestors had, when they could lay up so much wealth, and yet complained they had but little custom.

Verily, when I rightly consider it, methinks you are happier then they were. For at that time all their delight was, by a covetous frugality, to reap much riches together, and though that hapned very well, yet there was never enough; for mony is no impediment to a covetous soul because it alwaies yearns for more. But now on the contrary, it is esteemed to be very nobly done, and people take an absolute delight in it, if they can but tell how to scrape so much together, that they may keep the Dunners from their dores, bring up their children indifferently well, and pay the taxations and impositions that are imposed upon them. In good truth, they that can do this now, are worthy of as much credit and reputation, as those were that prospered much in former daies; and their Pleasure ought not to be lesser then the others before was.

O happy Successors, who through the contentment of your minds, possess now as great Pleasure, as your rich Parents formerly did, in their plentifull daies. Verily, your gain is comparatively better then theirs, because you are satisfied with so much less; and by consequence when the hour of death approaches, you can so much the easier depart from this World, by reason you shall not leave so many knives behind you that may cut your childrens throats.

Therefore if your Trading should come to diminish more; and that you can hardly tell how to keep both ends together; then comfort your selves with this happiness; to the end that the Pleasures of your marriage, may thereby not be eclipsed. For in bad times you must as diligently search after the Pleasures of Marriage, as for gain and good Trading.

But it seems, as you imagine, that this Pleasure rather decreases then increases; because that the small trading, is accompanied with bad paiment; and where ever you run or go to dun, you find no body at home, but return back to your house with empty pockets. For there is Master Highmind, and Squire Spightfull, who come every day in their Velvet Coats to the Change, are not in the least ashamed that the Goods, which they bought to be paid ready down, after the expiration of a full year, are not yet paid. And Master Negligent, who is alwaies in an Alehouse, and seldom to be found in his Counting-house or at the Change, thinks it is abundance too early in July, so much as to look upon the reckoning of last New-year, much less to pay it.

Nevertheless others have their Creditors also, and this Bill of Exchange, and that Assignment must be paid at their due times; yea, and the Winter is approaching, Wood and Coals must be bought, the Cellar furnisht with Beer and Wine, and some Firkins of Butter, and provision made for the powdring-tub to be filled, as well as several other sorts of necessaries for the Family that will be wanting. Insomuch that this affords but a very slight appearance of concluding the year in Pleasure.

But, O carefull House Father, if you knew in what a happy age you live, you would not go away so dissatisfied, but imbrace all these affairs very joifully for extraordinary Pleasures.

Hitherto you have gone forward like one young and unexperienced, and have meant with Master Dolittle, alias John the Satisfied, that things were to be done with kissing, licking, dallying, and other fidle fadles; but now you are come to a more sober, serious understanding, and to have mans knowledge, and the same prudent conduct that your Parents and Friends had, when they were assembled together about your Contract of Marriage, and then thought of all these things. Now you are grown to be a Master of Arts in the University of Wedlock. And great Juno laught, that Venus hath so long hoodwink'd you.

Come on then, these films being now fallen, from your eys, do but observe how prudent carefull Time hath made you, and how circumspect and diligent you begin to be that you may get through the World with honour, commendations, and good respect; how like a care taking Father you are now providing for your Wife, Children, and whole Family. Oh if your Father and Mother were now alive, how would they rejoice in this your advancement; which are indeed the upright Pleasures of Marriage. For all married people, draw the cares, here mentioned, along with them; though they come with a bag full of mony about their necks in to the World.

Do but see, till now you have had a brave and splendant house, paid great rent, only for your self and family to live in; now you begin to consider with understanding and Pleasure, whether a dwelling of less price would not serve as well, in which you might have a Chamber or two that you could let out to some civil Gentlemen, who might diet with you; it would help to pay the rent, and bring some profit in besides; and it is all one trouble for boiling, roasting, and going to Market: the day goes about nevertheless, and the Maid suits her work accordingly. And moreover, you have good company of them in your house, and alwaies either one or another at dinner begins to relate some kind of pretty discourse, that is continually very pleasurable and delightfull to be heard.

Observe how glad your Wife is concerning this resolution! There hath not been these three years any Proclamation published, which pleased her fancy better: for now her husband will have some pastime, and good company at home, so that he needs not go to seek it in the evening in Alehouses or other places. Well who cannot but see here how one may learn through honest Time and Experience, what Pleasures they are accompanied with?

But stay a little, and to be serious with you, when you get such guests, you'l see how they will plague you; for the general imaginations of such Gentlemen are, that all the monies they spend, is pure gain, and that the Landlord and Landlady alwaies ought to provide such sort of diet as they have most a mind to: and though it be never so well drest, yet there shall hardly come one dish to the Table, but they will be finding fault that this hath too much pepper in it, and that too much salt, &c. Besides all this, both Maids and Men, and all what's in the house, must be at their commands; nay be readier and nimbler to serve them then their Master and Mistriss. And that's more, you are deprived of the whole freedom of your house and table. It happens also many times, that they have so many visiters, and runners after them, that they require more attendance; and the maid hath more work with them alone, then the whole house-keeping besides.

This is the general course of all fellow Commoners; I will not say any thing of a worser sort, which are many times amongst them; who run in the mornings to Strong-water Shops, and in the afternoon to Taverns; where they so disguise themselves, that one must be ashamed for honest people who are in the Shop, or standing upon the flore, that sees them either come in a dores or down from their Chambers, hardly able to stand; besides they value not if they tarry out late at nights; and, if it be possible, they will intice the good man of the house to debauch with them. And then again they are seldom free from private chatting and pratling with the Maid and Men servants.

But perhaps you may light of a better sort, which Time, who is the mother of all things, will make appear. Let it be as it will, here is alwaies pleasure and delight to be expected for the good man, because the good woman by this means increaseth to more knowledge of housholding affairs; and therefore is alwaies busie, like a prudent mother, in educating, governing, and instructing her children.

Yea, if you, O Father of the Family, will go a little further, and behold with clear eys, how far your wife, through these bad times, is advanced in understanding and knowledge; I do assure you, you will find your self as ravisht with joy; because this is as great a transformation as ever Ovid writ of. For whereas at the beginning of your marriage, all her cogitations were imploied for the buying of large Venetian Looking-glasses, Indean Chainy, Plush Stools and Chairs, Turkish Tapistry, rich Presses and Tables, yea and whatsoever else was needfull for neatness and gallantry; we see now, that all her sences are at work, where ever they may or can be, to save and spare all things, and to take care that there may not so much as a match negligently be thrown away.

Formerly, your good wife used, by reason of her youth, and want of knowledge, to walk very stately, hand in hand with you, along the streets, finically trickt up with powdered locks, and a laced Gorget and Gown, and had commonly need of, at the least, three hours time, before she, with the help of two serviceable assistants, could be put to her mind in her dress; and then again all her discourse was of walking or riding abroad, and of junketting and merriment; whereas now on the contrary, seeing the small gain, she is sparing of all things, and ordring it to the best advantage for the family; without so much as setting one foot out of her House or Counter unnecessarily. Never thinking more of gadding abroad, to take pleasure; but finds all her delight by being busie in her houskeeping, amongst her children and servants. Here you may behold her driving the maid forwards, and setting her a spinning, to keep the sleep out of her eys; and with this intent also that she may have the delight to get yarn enough ready towards Winter, to let a brave Web of Linnen be woven for the service of the Family. Yea, and here she shews you, that though before she was but a Bartholomew Baby, that she is now grown to be a brave houswife. And that, if need requires, she can put a hand to the plough stoutly.

O happy man, who in such a sad and troublesom time, can find out so many Pleasures of Marriage, and who art already so well instructed in that most illustrious School!

'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of when they were married! Is this the Gentlewoman that used to go so costly in her Gorgets and Gowns! Goes she now with a plain wastcoat! alas and welladay! doth her feathers begin to hang thus! Well, is this the Gentlewoman that used alwaies to keep two maids! Can she now make a shift with a little wench that earns her wages with spinning, and her diet with doing the house work? it must certainly ly very nastily and sluttishly at her house.

'Tis very true, this might happen to you, and it would seem to eclipse the Sun of your Pleasures of Marriage very much; if you had not now, O well matcht Couple, through the instruction of the winged Time, gotten such prudent eys that you can easily see through such vain and simple Clouds.

But now you apprehend, to your great joy and comfort, that this arrow comes out of the Quiver of such as are indebted to every body, and suffer themselves daily to be durrid; who are continually pratling with the Neighbors, and gadding along the streets; they take notice of every dore that opens, and neglect their own houskeeping having no understanding to govern it; the dishes, pots and pans are alwaies standing in the middle of the flore; and Benches and Stools are all covered and ly filled with the Childrens dirty clouts, and the Windows are so thick with dirt, that the Sun can hardly shine through them. Whose first word is, when any body comes into their house, What! by reason of these sad times a body hath neither joy nor delight in their houskeeping. If we wash the glass windows, they are in danger of breaking, and at present we cannot bear with any losses. And these ordinarily have more pratling and felling then any other women, and no body knows any thing better then these sworn tittletattlers; they are seldom to be found with a pin-cushion upon their laps; and are the occasion that their houses, children and Maids stink of filth and sluttishness, with their cloaths out at the elbous, and their stockins out at the heels. Whilest their husbands sit in the Alehouses, and seek by drinking, domineering and gaming to drive these damps of the sad times out of theire brains; which continueth so long, till that all is consumed, and they both fly damnably in debt to their Creditors.

Well then, you worthy and faithfull Houskeepers, you see now the unhappy state and condition of these venomous controulers of others: And on the contrary, you may perceive how happy the bad times, like a prudent Instructor, makes you; what a quantity of understanding and delight it imparts unto you; whilest you both, with joint resolution, diligent hands and vigilant eys, indeavor the maintenance and setting up of your Family. Be assured, that this care and frugality will so root it self in your very bones, that although the times changed and grew better, you would reserve a stedfast delight in the promoting the good and benefit of your houskeeping; and withall leave to your children such riches and good examples, that they will follow your footsteps of carefulness with delight, and lay a hand to the plough, thereby to demonstrate that they were of a good extraction: which if it so happen, you will inherit one of the greatest and desiredst Pleasures that is to be found in the Married estate.

THE EIGHTH PLEASURE.

_The Parents would bring up their son in their way of Trade, but he hath no mind to't. He is put to School out of the City. Grows a Scholler, commits much mischief. Is apprehended and informed what a Schollerlike life is._

Uds life, now I thinke on't, amongst the Pleasures of Mariage, this is none of the least, when one sees their children feed well, and grow up healthfully and merrily; and their stomacks in a morning are as soon open as their eys; then at noons they can claw it away at a good dish, as well as persons of full growth and years; and about four of the clock their appetites are again prepared for an afternoons lunchion; insomuch that they can eat you into poverty, without making their teeth bleed. O it is such a delight to see that they continually grow up so slovenly and wastfully in their cloaths, that they must needs have every half year almost a new suit, and that alwaies a little bigger; whereby the Father sees that he shall in short time have a son to be his man in the shop, and the mother a daughter to be her caretakester and controulster of the Kitchin.

Thus we advance in the estate of Mariage, from one pleasure to another. O how happy you'l be, if your children be but pliable and courteous, and grow up in obedience, and according to your example! But we see in the generality, that as their understanding increases, that also their own wills and desires do in like manner not diminish.

Perhaps you meet with some such symptoms as these are in your own son; for having been some years learning the Latine Tongue at Pauls or Merchant Tailors School; he is then inveagled by some of the neighbors sons to go with them to learn the Italian or French language; to which purpose they know of a very delicate Boarding school a little way out of the City; and then they baptize it with the name, that he hath such a longing and earnest desire to learn it, that he cannot rest in the night for it.

What will you do? The charge there of, the bad times, and the necessity you have for him at home, makes you perswade him from it, and to proffer him convenient occasions in the City; but what helps it, the fear of drawing the child from that which he has so much a mind to; and may be, that also, wherein his whole good fortune consists, causes you to take a resolution to fullfill his desire. Away he's sent then, and agreed for. And then there must be a Trunk furnisht, with all manner of linnen and cloaths, with other toys and sweet meats, and mony in his pocket to boot.

Having been some small time there he sends some letters for what he wants. Which is, with recommendations of being saving and diligent, sent unto him. And it is no small pleasure for the Parents, if they do but see that he is an indifferent proficiant. All their delight and pleasure is, when time will permit, to go to their son, and to shew him their great love and affection.

But the Daughter, which goes along with her Mother, is kindled with no small matter of jealousie to see that her Brother puts her Parents to so much charge, gets what he pleases, and that their minds are never at rest about him. When she, on the contrary, being at home, is thrust by her Mother into the drudgery of the house, or kept close to her needle. Yet these are pacified with a fine lace, a ring, or some such sort of trinkom trankoms; and then with telling them into the bargain, when your brother comes home he shall keep the shop.

This the Father is in expectation of. And the son being come home, gives a great Pleasure to his Father and Mother, by reason he speaks such good Latin and Italian, and is so gentile in his behaviour: but to look to the shop, he hath no mind to. Say what they will, talk is but talk. All his desire and mind is to go to the University either of Oxford or Cambridge. And although the Father in some measure herein yeelds and consents; the Mother, on the other side, can by no means resolve to it; for her main aim was, that her son should be brought up in the shop; because that in the absence, or by decease of her husband, he might then therein be helpfull to her. Besides that, it is yet fresh in her memory, that when her Brother studied at Oxford, what a divellish deal of mony it cost, and what complaints there come of his student-like manner of living. Insomuch that there was hardly a month past, but the Proctor of the Colledge, or the Magistracy of the City must have one or other penalty paid them.

Now they try to imploy the son in the shop, who delights in no less melody then the tune of that song: letting slip no occasion that he can meet with to get out of the shop; and shew himself, with all diligence, willing to be a Labourer in the Tennis Court, or at the Bilyard Table; and is not ashamed, if there be hasty work, in the evening, to tarry there till it be past eleven of the clock. What a pleasure this vigilance is to the Father and Mother, those that have experience know best. Especially when they in the morning call their son to confession, and between Anger and Love catechize him with severall natural and kind reproofs.

'Tis but labour lost, and ill whistling, if the horse won't drink. What remedy? turn it, and wind it so as you will.

_The son his mind to study is full bent,
Or else will live upon his yearly rent._

Here must be a counsell held by wisdom, prudence, love and patience. Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming. And to teach him how to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly. So that now the Parents have true experience of the old Proverb.

_The Children in their youth, oft make their Parents smart,
Being come to riper years, they vex their very heart._

Nevertheless, after you have turn'd it and wound it so as you will, the sending of him to the University of Oxford bears the sway; and there to let him study Theology being the modestest Faculty, by one of the learnedst and famousest Doctors. And verily, he goes forward so nobly, that, in few months, before he half knows the needfull Philosophy, he is found to be a Master of Arts in Villany. And moreover, the Parents were by some good friends informed, that lately he was acting the domineering student, and being catcht by the watch, was brought into the Court of Guard; but through the extraordinary intercession of his own and some other Doctors, they privately let him go out again.

A little longer time being expired, he sends Post upon Post dunning letters; his quarter of the years out, his Pockets empty, and the Landlady wants mony; besides there are severall other things that he wants, both of Linnen and Woollen; all which things yield an extraordinary Pleasure, especially, if the mony which is sent, without suffring shipwrack, be imploied and laid out for those necessaries.

For some students are so deeply learnt, that they consume the monies they get in mirth and jovialty, and leave their Landladies, Booksellers, Tailors, Shoomakers, and all whom they are indebted to, unpaid. Nay, his own Cousin, that studied at Cambridge, knew very learnedly how to make a cleaver dispatch, with his Pot-Companions, at Gutterlane, of all the mony that was sent him by his Parents, for his promotion; and under the covert of many well studied lies desired more.

But who knows, what wonderfull students tricks, before he is half so perfect, your son will have learnt, to make his Father and Mother merry with; for, as I have heard, he hath gotten so much aquaintance, that he hath the Bookseller to be his friend, who sets down the prizes of the Books he delivers, three times as much again as they are worth; and for the overplus, he, with some other students, are bravely merry together.

Yea, he's come so far himself, that he doth, to get mony, know how to sell his best Authors; and sets in place of them some Blocks very neatly cut and coloured like gallant Books. And if any one comes that will lay their hands upon them; he saith immediately, eat, drink, smoke and be merry to your hearts content; but whatsoever you do, touch not my books; for that's as a Medean Law and an inviolable statute in my Chamber; as it doth, to the same purpose, stand written thus before my Chamber of Books:

_Be jolly, sing, and dance; command me with a look,
One thing I do forbid, you must not touch a Book._

The old Proverb saith, it must bend well, before it can make a good hook. But it is easie to be perceived by the beginning, what may be expected from the flexibility of this precious twig. O extraordinary and magnificent pleasure for the Parents, when they see that their son, in so short a time, is so damnably advanced! And so much the more, a little while after, there comes one and tells them by word of mouth, that there were several Schollars, which were playing some antick tricks in the night; and amongst some others both their Son and their Cousin were apprehended, and at this very present sad accusations were brought in against them. In the mean while, the Chancellor, having heard that they are all persons of good Parentage, and that there will be brave greasing in the case, laughs in his fist because such things as those are generally moderated and assopiated by the means and infallible vertue of the correcting finger hearb.

This brings the Parents a fine Bartholomew Baby to play with; and if there ly loosely in a corner a fifty pound bag they will go nigh to see how they may make use of it. And this gives a horrible augmentation to the Pleasures of Marriage! But let them turn it and wind it which way they will, the Parents must go thither, and seek by all means possible according to their ability, to pacific the matter.

As they are upon their journy, they hear in every Town where they come, how debauched and wicked lives the Students leads, not only concerning that which was lately done at Oxford, but at other places also. Which makes them be in no small fear, whether their son, perhaps may not be guilty only of this, but some worser misdemeanor, and is therefore at present clapt up.

Here Master Truetale begins to relate, that lately there were four Students, who for some petulancy, had been at Confession by the Mayor, and he with their vomiting up some Guinies, gave them their absolutions; but they perceiving that hereby their purses were cruelly weakned, and that the return of monies did not come according to expectation, took a resolution to get some revenge of him for it. And he having built a new house, caused it, by a curious Workman, to be neatly painted on the outside: which these four Students seeing, they took a good quantity of Tar, and did so damnably bedawb it, that it looked as if old Nick had been there with his rubbing brush. Which the Mayor seeing in the morning, seemed to be little troubled at it; but said, certainly some body hath done this, that I have taken too little mony of, and therefore in gratitude have, for nothing, thus bepainted my delicately painted house.

But nevertheless the Mayor sends in the evening five or six Spies abroad into those Taverns and Alehouses where the lightest Students generally frequented; who were smoking and drinking there, and amongst other discourses related, how it tickled their fancies, that the covetous Mayor was served such a delicate trik, &c. Whereupon some of them hearing that the action was so much commended, and that the Mayor made no search about it, saies, that was my work with James Smith the Londoner, Jack Dove the Kentishman, and Sanny Clow the Scotch man. Upon this they were all four apprehended in the night, and very cleaverly clapt by the heels, &c.

Hereupon Mistriss Credit, said, There are no such wicked inventers of mischief, as moniless Students; of which we had lately a new example, for some of those Blades wanting mony, were resolved to act this trick, _viz._ Some few daies before there was a malefactor hanged, and one of them between eleven and twelve of the clock at night, gets hard by the Gallows where he hung, and feigned to be the spirit of the malefactor; sometimes appearing, and then again vanishing; in the mean while the rest of his companions, all separate from each other, as if they had been strangers, placed themselves not far from it. Each of them seemed to be frightned, and shewed unto all the passers by that there was the spirit of the malefactor that was executed. This run forward like wild fire, in somuch that the number of the spectators increased abundantly. And whilest every one was so busie in beholding it, the moniless Students were as serious in picking of their Pockets, cutting the silver buttons off their cloaths, which no body perceived, till the Spirit was vanished, and they were gotten home. So did I know, saith Master Mouth, two necessitous Students, who at a Fair-time, observed that a Country man, having sold some commodities that he brought to Market, had received five or six Crown pieces for them; and went amongst the Booths to buy somthing, but feared in the throng one or another might steal them from him; therefore would not trust them in his Pocket, nor with his Purse in the breast of his doublet; but puts them in his mouth; saying, No body I'm sure can take them from thence, and walks into the Booths, there cheapning a hat; in the mean while, one of these Students goes to the very next Booth, buies some pedling thing, and pulling mony out of his Pocket to pay, saith what a pox is the meaning of this? Just now I had several Crown pieces, and now I have nothing; and since that, there hath no body else been near me, but this Country fellow; and begins to catch him by the shoulders; saying, hark ye Squire, I miss several Crown pieces which I had but just now. This so amazed the Country man, that he began to mumble with the Crown pieces in his mouth; whereupon the Student said, I verily beleeve the villain hath them in his mouth. The Country man answered thereupon, those that I have in my mouth are my own, I received them just now for some commodities; But let the Country man say what he would, it was not beleeved; he was lamentably beaten, his Crown pieces taken from him, and given to the Student.

By this you may perceive, saith Master Otherway, that the Proverb is true, _Poverty is subtle_. I was lately told of some poor troublesom Students, who had, a little way off the City, caused a dainty Feast to be made ready for them; and knowing that the Landlord had a brother, whom he extreamly loved, which lived about five and twenty miles off; write a Letter to the Landlord, and therein acquaint him that his Brother was very desperately sick, oftentimes calling for him; therefore if he would see and speak with him alive, he must with all possible speed immediately come thither, &c.

Then they found out such a cleaver contryvance to have this Letter delivered into the hands of the Landlord, that he had not the least distrust of a cheat; but away he rides immediately. In the mean while, these Students committed much sauciness and wantonness with the Mistriss and the Maid; till at last locking them both up in a Chamber, away they went without paying.

To this a Miller that sate close by, relates, that lately, not far from his house, two Students laid violent hands upon a woman, and bound her to a Post.

'Tis a Wonder, saith Master Demure, proceeding forward, that since they commit such wicked and so many base actions, more of these Students are not apprehended. When I dwelt at my Country house, there came a parcel of these drunken blades, that were expresly gone abroad to play some mad tricks; they pulled down the pales of my neighbors Garden; and one among them that served for Chief, commanded pull off these planks, tear up this Post, &c.

In the mean time, a poor Country man coming by with his empty Wagon; begs of this commander, that he would be pleased to bestow upon him those old Planks and Posts for his winter firing, because he was so poor, that he knew not where to get any: which this Gentleman granting him, he laies on a lusty load upon his Wagon.

Being drove a pretty way of, the owner comes to the place, and sees in what a lamentable condition his Garden lay; asks who had done it, and understands that they were Students which had taken their march towards some of the adjacent Country Towns, but that the Country man with his Planks, must needs be got very far from the City, &c. Away runs the owner with all speed, makes his complaint, and gets an order to arrest the poor Country man, his horse and Wagon. Who coming to be examined at his triall, was condemned to be set in the Pillory, with two Planks set before him, upon which must be written in great white Letters.

_Garden-Theef._

These wicked Students stood together to behold this, and laught till they split, to see that this poor innocent Country man, must suffer such shame and punishment for his winter firing.

Just in the same manner, not long ago, some divellish Students, had taken a heavy rail from before a house which was newly set there, but hearing that the Watch or Bell man approched; they presently whept it before another mans dore, where there was none; and leaning all of them over the rail; saluted the Watch with saying, Good night Gentlemen, Good night; and the Watch the like to them again: But the Watch was no sooner gone then they fell to breaking of it all in peeces, and run away as fast as they could drive.

Those people are unhappy, saith Master Talkon, especially such as live in Country Towns, that are near to Cities where there are Universities; for many times one or another must be a sufferer from these roguish natured Students; and they imagine in themselves that all what the Country people possess must be at their pleasure and disposition. Whereby it happens, in the Summer, that for their wicked pastime, they go to rob the Orchards of the best fruit, and to steal Hens, Ducks, and Pigeons; and then again to destroy the Fields of Turnips, Carrots, Parsnips, Beans and Pease, &c. Tearing up such multiplicities, that it would be incredible if we should relate it all. But it is common for them to destroy ten times as much as they can eat or carry away.

And when the Summer is past, that there are no fruits either in Orchards or Fields; then their whole delight and recreation is to commit insolencies in the Streets of the City by night; and if they can but any waies put an affront upon the Watch; that is laught at, and esteemed to be an heroick act.

It hapned lately, that some Students walking out of Town, saw a little boy in the Fields, that was holding the cord of an indifferent Kite, which was in the Air, in his hand; they laughing at him, said, The Kite is bigger than the Boy; come let us ty the cord about the Boy, then they will not lose one another. And immediately catching hold of the Boy, they forced the cord from him, and bound it fast about his middle in a great many knots, then went their way.

Whilest the Boy was very busie and indeavouring to unty the knots, the Wind grew high, insomuch that the Boy used all his strength to hold back the cord; but his strength failing him, he was with a furious blast snatcht up by the Kite from the ground, and presently after let fall again into a pretty deep ditch, where the poor innocent Boy was unhappily drowned.

It would be sempiternal for us here to make a relation of all the petulancy and wickedness of Students, whereof these and other Parents, each in their particular, are miserably sensible of. For every one acts his own part, but it tends altogether unto wickedness, lavishness, and troublesomness.

Here you may see Master Empty-belly takes the greatest delight in the World, nobly to treat some Northern Gentlemen of his acquaintance and Pot-companions, and then again to be treated by them: where there is an absolute agreement made, that when any one of them gets mony from their Parents, he shall give the company a treat of five Guinnies. And though they generally observe, that before they part, one quarrel or other arises, and the Swords drawn; yet this Law is inviolabler, than ever any Statutes of Henry the VIII. were. Which continued so long till one of them be desperately wounded or killed, and he that did it apprehended; and to the great greef of his Parents tried for his life, or else flies his Country, to save it.

Others we may see, that have no greater pleasure then to sit whole nights with their Companions playing at Tables; and there game away Rings, Hats, Cloaks and Swords, &c. and then ply one another so close with whole bumpers of Sack and old Hock, that they are worse then senceless beasts, feeling and groping of the very Walls, and tumbling and wallowing to and fro in their own nastiness. And esteem it to be a Championlike action if one can but make the t'other dead drunk by his voracity of sucking in most. As if they intended hereby to become learned Doctors.

Some again are most horribly addicted to frequent the pestilential Bawdy-houses; of which they are never satisfied, till mony, cloaths, books, and their own health of body is consumed; and then come home to their Parents soundly peppered.

Some there are that oftentimes so deeply ingage themselves with their Landlords daughters, that they can answer to her examination without the knowledge either of their Parents or Doctors, and are fit for promotion in the Art of Nature. But if the Landlady hath never a daughter of her own, there's a Neece or Neighbors daughter, which knows how to shew her self there so neatly, that with her tripping and mincing she makes signals enough, that at their house Cubicula locanda is to be had. And these are the true Divers, that know infinitely well how to empty the Students Pockets.

Thus doth every one act their parts. Whilest the Parents are indeavouring to gather and scrape all together that they can, that their Son, who is many times the onliest or eldest, may go forward in his study, and become perfect in one Faculty. And the more, because they see that he is sharp-witted, and according as his Doctor saith, a very hopefull young man. Little thinking that he makes as bad use of those natural benefits, as he is lavish of his mony.