Chapter VII: Part 7

“Princes,” said he, “before they destroy the creatures they have raised and chosen, should do well to consider, that cruelty and inconstancy is much a greater infamy to a prince than the worst effects of it can be to a favourite. For my own part, I served an emperor that was both a Christian and a great lover and promoter of justice. And yet, after all the services I had done him, in several battles and adventures, (insomuch that he was effectually become my debtor, for the very glory of his empire) my reward, in the end, was to have my eyes put out, and (with a dog and a bell) to be turned a-begging from door to door. Thus was that Bellisarius treated, whose very name formerly was worth an army, and he was the soul of his friends as well as the terror of his enemies. But a prince’s favour is like quick-silver—restless and slippery, never to be fixed, never secured. Force it, and it spends itself in fumes; sublime it, and ’tis a mortal poison. Handle it only, and it works itself into the very bones; and all that have to do with it, live and die pale and trembling.”

At these words, the whole band of favourites, set up a hideous and a heavy groan, trembling like aspen leaves, and at the same time reciting several passages out of the Prophet Habbakuk, against careless and wicked governors. By which threatenings is given to understand, that the Almighty, when He has a mind to destroy a wicked ruler, does not always punish one potentate by another, and bring His ends about by a trial of arms, or the event of a battle; but many times makes use of things the most abject and vile, to confound the vanity and arrogance of the mighty; and makes even worms, flies, caterpillars, and lice to serve Him as the ministers of His terrible justice; nay, the stone in the wall and the beam in the house shall rise in judgment against them.

This discourse might have gone further, but that the company presently parted, to know the meaning of a sudden noise and clatter they heard, that half-deafened the auditory. And what was it at last? but a scuffle between the Gown-men and the Brothers of the Blade; and there were persons of great honour and learning, young and old, engaged in the fray; the men of war were at it dashing with their swords, and the gentlemen of the long robe, fencing, some with tostatus, others with huge pandects, that with their old wainscot covers were as good as bucklers, and would now and then give the foe a heavy rebuke, over and above. The combat had certainly been very bloody, if one of Lucifer’s constables had not commanded them in the king’s name to keep the peace; which made it a drawn battle. And with that, one of the combatants, with the best face he had, said aloud, “If ye knew, gentlemen, either us, or our quarrel, you’d say we had reason, and perhaps side with us.” At that instant, there appeared Domitian, Commodus, Caracalla, Phalaris, Heliogabalus, Alcetes, Andronicus, Busiris, and old Oliver, with a world of great personages more; which, when Lucifer saw, he disposed himself to treat that majestical appearance, as much to their satisfaction as was possible. And then came up a grave ancient man, with a great train at his heels, that were all bloody, and full of the marks they had received under the persecution of these tyrants.

“You have here before ye,” quoth the old man, “Solon; and these are the seven sages, native of Greece, but renowned throughout the universe. He there in the mortar is that Anaxarchus that was pounded to death by command of Nicocreon. He with the flat nose is Socrates; the little crump-shouldered wretch was the famous Aristotle; and t’other there, the divine Plato. Those in the corner are all of the same profession too, grave and learned philosophers, that have displeased tyrants with their writings; and, in fine, the world is stored with their works and hell with the authors. To come to the point, most mighty Lucifer, we are all of us dealers in politics, great writers and deep-read men in the maxims of State and Government. We have digested policy into a method, and laid down certain rules, by which princes may make themselves great and beloved. We have advised them impartially to administer justice; to reward virtue, as well military as civil; to employ able men, banish flatterers; to put men of wisdom and integrity in places of trust; to reward or punish without passion, and according to the merits of the cause, as God’s vice-gerents. And this now is our offence. We name no body, we design no body; but ’tis crime enough to wish well to the way and to the lovers of virtue.” With that, turning toward the tyrants. “Oh most unjust princes,” said he, “those glorious kings and emperors from whom we took the model of our laws and instructions are now in a state of rest and comfort, while you are tormented. Numa is now a star in the firmament and Tarquin a fire-brand in hell. And the memory of Augustus and Trajan is still fresh and fragrant, when the names of Nero and Sardanapalus are more putrid and odious than their bodies.”

When Dionysius the tyrant heard this, (with his companions about him) flesh and blood could hold no longer; and he cried out in a rage, “That roguy philosopher has told a thousand lies. Legislators, with a pox? Yes, yes, they are sweet legislators, and princes have many a fair obligation to them. No, no, sirrah,” says he to Solon, “you are all of you a company of quacks; ye prate and speculate of things ye don’t understand; and with your damned moralities set the people agog upon liberty, cry up the doctrine of free-born subjects, and then our portion is persecution in one world and infamy in t’other.”

“We shall have a fine time on’t, my most gracious prince,” cried Julian the apostate, staring Lucifer in the face, “when these dunghill pedants, a company of cock-brained, ridiculous, mortified, ill-bred, beggarly tatterdemalions, shall come to erect a committee for politics, and pass sentence upon governors and governments; stiling themselves (forsooth) the supporters of both, without any more skill than my horse in what belongs to either. Tell me,” says he, “if a brave prince had not better be damned than subject himself to hear one of these turdy-facy-paty-nasty lowsie-fartical rascals, with a scabbed head and a plantation of lice in his beard, and his eyes crept into the nape of his neck, pronouncing, for an aphorism, that a prince that looks only to one is a tyrant, and that a true king is the shepherd and servant of his people. Ah, rash and besotted coxcombs! If a king looks only to others, who shall look to him? As if princes had not enemies enough abroad, without being so to themselves too. But you may write your hearts out, and never the nearer. Where’s our sovereignty? if we have not our subjects’ lives and estates at our mercy. And where’s our absolute power? if we submit to the counsels of our vassals. If we have not to satisfy our appetites, avarice and revenge, we want power to discharge the noblest ends of government. These contemplative idiots would have us make choice of good officers, to keep the bad in order; which were a madness, in our condition. Let them be complaisant, and no matter for any other merit or virtue. A parcel of good offices, handsomely disposed among a pack of cheats and atheists, will make us a party another day; whereas all is lost that’s bestowed upon honest men, for they’re our enemies; speak truth then all of ye, and shame the devil; for the butcher fats his sheep only for the shambles.

“I have said enough, I suppose, to stop your mouths, but here’s an orator will read you another-gates lecture of politics than any you have had yet, if you’ll give him the hearing. Photinus, advance,” said Julian, “and speak your mind;” whereupon there appeared a brazen-faced fellow, with a hanging look and twenty other marks of a desperate villain who, with a hellish yell, and three or four wry mouths for a prologue, brake into his discourse.

The wicked advice of one of Ptolomy’s courtiers, about the killing of Pompey: taken out of Lucan’s _Pharsalia_, Lib. 8.

“Methinks, under favour (most renowned Ptolomy) we are now slipped into a debate, a little beside the business. The question is whether Pompey should be delivered up to Cæsar, or no. That is to say, whether in reason of state it ought to be done; and we are formalising the matter, whether in point of equity and justice it may be done. Bodies politic have no souls, and never did any great prince turn a council of state into a court of conscience, but he repented it. Kingdoms are to be governed by politicians, not by casuists; and there is nothing more contrary to the true interest of crowns and empires, than in public cases to make a scruple of private duties. The argument is this: Pompey is in distress; and Ptolomy under an obligation, so that it were a violation of faith and hospitality not to relieve him. Now give me leave to reason in the other way. Pompey is forsaken, and persecuted by the Gods; Cæsar upon the heels of him, with victory and success. Shall Ptolomy now ruin himself, to protect a fugitive, against both heaven and Cæsar! I must confess, where honesty and profit are both of a side, ’tis well; but, where they disagree, the prince that does not quit his religion, for his convenience, falls into a direct conspiracy against himself. He shall lose the hearts of his soldiery, and the reputation of his power. Whereas, on the contrary, the most hateful tyrant in the world shall be able to keep his head above water, let him but give a general licence to commit all sorts of wickedness; you’ll say ’tis impious, but I say, what if it be? who shall call you to account? These deliberations are only for subjects that are under command, and not for sovereign princes whose will is a law.”

Exeat Aulâ
Qui volet esse pius,

He was never cut out
For a Court, that’s devout.

“In fine, since either Pompey or Ptolomy must suffer, I am absolutely for the saving of Ptolomy, and the presenting of Pompey’s head, without any more ado, to Cæsar. A dead dog will never bite.”

Photinus had no sooner made an end, but Domitian appeared in a monstrous rage, and lugging of poor Suetonius after him like a bear to the stake. “There is not in nature,” says he, “so damned a generation of scribbling rogues as these historians. We can neither be quiet for them, living nor dead: for they haunt us in our very graves; and when they have vented the humour and caprice of their own brains, that forsooth must be called, The Life of such an Emperor. And, for an instance, I’ll show ye what this impertinent chronicler says of myself. ‘He had squandered away his treasure,’ says he, ‘in expensive buildings, comedies, and donatives to the soldiers.’

“Now would I fain know which way it could have been better employed.

“In another place, he says, that ‘Domitian had some thoughts of easing himself in his military charges, by reducing the number; but that he durst not do, for fear some of his neighbours should put an affront upon him. So that, to lick himself whole, he fell to raking and scraping whatever he could get, either from dead or living; and any rascal’s testimony was proof enough for a confiscation: for there needed no more to undo an honest man, than to tell a tale at court that such a one had spoken ill of the prince.’

“Is this the way of treating majesty? what could this impudent pedant have said worse, if he had been speaking of a pick-pocket or a pirate? But princes and thieves are all one to them.

“He says further, that ‘Domitian made seizure of several estates, without any sort of right whatsoever; and there went no more to his title than for a false witness to depose that he heard the defunct declare, before he died, that he made Cæsar his heir. He set such a tax upon the Jews, that many of them denied their religion to avoid it; and I remember that, when I was a young fellow, I saw an old man of fourscore and ten taken upon suspicion by one of Domitian’s spies, and turned up in a public assembly, to see if he were circumcised.’

“Be ye now judges, gentlemen of the Black Guard, if this be not a most intolerable indignity. Am I to answer for the actions of my inferior officers? It amazes me that my successors should ever endure these scandalous reports to be published, especially against a prince that had laid out so much money in repairing the libraries that were burnt.”

“It is very true,” said Suetonius in a doleful tone, “and I have not forgotten to make mention of it to your honour. But what will you say, if I show you, in a warrant under your hand, this execrable and impious blasphemy? It is the command of your Lord and God. And in fine, if I speak nothing but truth, where’s your cause of complaint? I have written the Lives too of the great Julius Cæsar, and the divine Augustus, and the world will not say but I have done them right. But for yourself, and such as you, that are effectually but so many incarnate and crowned plagues, what fault have I committed in setting before your eyes those tyrannies, which heaven and earth cannot but look upon with dread and horror?”

This discourse of Suetonius was interrupted by the babbler, or Boutefeu, that rounded Lucifer in the ear, and told him, “Look ye, sir,” says he, pointing with his finger, “that limping devil there, that looks as if he were surbated with beating the hoof, has been abroad in the world, this twenty year, and is but just now come back again.” “Come hither, sirrah,” cries Lucifer; and so the poor cur went wriggling and glotting up toward his prince. “You are a fine rogue to be sent of an errand, are ye not?” says Lucifer, “to stay twenty year out, and come back again e’en as wise as ye went: what souls have ye brought now? or what news from t’other world?” “Ha! your highness,” quoth the devil, “has too much honour and justice to condemn me unheard. Wherefore be pleased to remember, that at my going out you gave me charge of a certain merchant; it cost me the first ten year of my time to make him a thief, and ten more to keep him from turning honest again, and restoring what he had stolen.” “A fine fetch for a devil this, is it not?” cried Lucifer. “But hell is no more the hell it was when I knew it first, than chalk is cheese; and the devils nowadays are so damnedly insipid and dry, they’re hardly worth the roasting. A senseless puppy to come back to me with a story of Waltham’s calf, that went nine mile to suck a bull. But he’s not master of his trade yet.” And with that Lucifer bade one of his officers take him away and put him to school again; “for I perceive he’s a rascal,” says he, “and he has e’en been roguing at a play-house, when he should have been at church.” In that instant, from behind a little hill, a great many men came running as hard as they could drive after a company of women: the men crying out, “Stop, stop,” and the women crying for help. Lucifer commanded them all to be seized, and asked what was the matter. “Alas, alas!” cried one of the men, quite out of breath, “these carrions have made us fathers, though we never had children.” “Govern your tongue, sirrah,” cried a devil of honour, out of respect to the ladies, “and speak truth: for ’tis utterly impossible you should be fathers without children.” “Pardon me,” said the fellow, “we were married men, and honest men and good house-keepers, and have born offices in the parish, and have children that call us fathers; but ’tis a strange thing, we have been abroad some of us by the seven year together; others, as long bed-rid; and so impotent, that the civilians would have put us _inter frigidos et maleficiatos_: and yet our wives have brought us every year a child, which we were such fools as to keep and bring up, and give ourselves to the devil at last to get them estates; out of a charitable persuasion (forsooth) they might yet be our own, though for a twelve-month together (perhaps) we never so much as examined whether our wives were fish or flesh. But now since the mothers are dead, and the children grown up, we have found the tools that made them. One has the coachman’s nose, another the gentleman-usher’s legs, a third a cousin-german’s eyes. And some, we are to presume, conceived purely by strength of imagination, or else by the ears like weazels.”

Thereupon appeared a little remnant of a man, a dapper Spaniard, with a kind of a besome-beard, and a voice not unlike the yapping of a foysting cur. As he came near the company, he set up his throat, and called out, “Ah jade!” says he, “I shall now take ye to task, ye whore you, for making me father my negro’s bastard, and for the estate I settled upon him. I did ever misdoubt foul play, but should never have dreamt of that ugly toad, when there was such choice of handsome, lusty young fellows about us; but it may be she had them too. I cursed the monks many and many a time, I remember, to the pit of hell, heaven forgive me for’t; for the strumpet would be perpetually gadding abroad, under colour of going to confession, and in sooth I was never any great friend to penance and mortification. And then would I be easing my mind ever and anon to this cursed Moor. ‘I cannot imagine,’ said I, ‘where this mistress of thine should commit all the sins that she goes every hour of the day to confess at yonder monastery.’ And then would this dog-Moor answer me. ‘Alas, good lady! I would e’en venture my soul with hers with all my heart; she spends all her time you see in holy duties.’ I was at that time so innocent, that I suspected nothing more than a pure respect and civility to my wife; but I have learnt better since, and that effectually his soul and hers were commonly ventured in the same bottom; yes, and their bodies too, as I perceive by their magpie issue, for the bastards take after both father and mother.”

“So that at this rate,” cried the adopted fathers, “the husband of a whore has a pleasant time on’t. First, he’s subjected to all the pukings, longings, and peevish importunities, that a breeding woman gives those about her till she’s laid; and then comes the squalling of the child, and the twittle-twattle-gossipings of the nurse and midwife, that must be well treated too, well lodged, and well paid. ‘A sweet baby,’ says one (to the jade the mother on’t) ‘’tis e’en as like the father as if he had spit it out on’s mouth; it has the very lips, the very eyes of him,’ when ’tis no more like him than an apple is like an oyster. And, in conclusion, when we have borne all this, and twenty times more in t’other world with a Christian patience, we are hurried away to hell, and here we lie a company of damned cuckolds of us; and here we are like to lie, for ought I see, in _sæcula sæculorum_: which is very hard, and in truth out of all reason.”

I cut this visit short, to see what news in a deep vault near at hand, where we heard a great bustle and contest betwixt divers souls and the devils. There were the presumptuous, the revengeful, and the envious, gaping and crying out as they would break their hearts. “Oh, that I could but be born again!” says one; “Oh, that I might back into the world again!” says another; “Oh, that I were but to die once more!” cries a third. Insomuch that they put the devils out of all patience, with their impertinent and unprofitable wishes and exclamations. “Hang yourselves,” cried they, “for a pack of cozening, bawling rascals: you live again? and be born again? and what if you might do’t a thousand times over? You would only die at last a thousand times greater villains than now you are, and there would be no clearing hell of you with a dog-whip. However, to try you and make you know yourselves, we have commission to let you live again and return. Up then ye varlets, go, be born again; get ye into the world again. Away,” cried the devils, with a lusty lash at every word, and thrust hard to have got them out. But the poor rogues hung an arse, and were struck with such a terror, to hear of living again, and returning, that they slunk into a corner, and lay as quiet upon’t, as lambs.

At length, one of the company that seemed to have somewhat more brain and resolution than his fellows, entered very gravely upon the debate, whether they should go out or no. “If I should now,” says he, “at my second birth, come into the world a bastard, the shame would be mine, though my parents committed the fault; and I should carry the scandal and the infamy of it to my grave. Now put case, my mother should be honest, (for that’s not impossible) and that I came into the world, legitimate; how many follies, vices, and diseases are there that run in a blood! Who knows, but I should be mad, or simple? swear, lie, cheat, whore; nay if I came off, with a little mortification of my carcase, as the stone, the scurvy, or the noble pox, I were a happy man. But oh the lodging, the diet, and the cookery that I am to expect for a matter of nine months in my mother’s belly; and then the butter and beer that must be spent to sweeten me, when I change my quarter. I must come crying into the world, and live in ignorance even of what life is till I die; and then as ignorant of death too, till ’tis passed. I fancy my swaddling-clouts and blankets to be worse than my winding-sheet; my cradle represents my tomb. And then who knows, whether my nurse shall be found, or no? She’ll over-lay me perhaps; leave me some four and twenty hours, it may be, without clean clouts, and a pin or two all the while, perchance, up to the hilts in my backside. And then follows breeding of teeth, and worms; with all the gripes and disorders that are caused by unwholesome milk. These miseries are certain, and why should I run them over again?

“If it happen that I pass the state of infancy, without the pox or measles, I must be then packed away to school, to get the itch, a scaled head, or a pair of kibed heels. In winter, ’tis ten to one you find me with a snotty nose, and perpetually under the lash, if I either miss my lesson or go late to school. So that hang him, for my part, that would be born again, for any thing I see yet.

“When I come up toward man, the women will have me as sure as a gun, for they have a thousand ginnes and devices to catch wood-cocks; and if ever I come to set eye upon a lass that understands dress and raillery, I’m gone, if there were no more lads in Christendom. But, for my part, I am as sick as a dog, of powdering, curling, and playing the ladybird. I would not for all the world be in the shoemaker’s stocks, and choke myself over again in a straight doublet, only to have the ladies say, ‘Look, what a delicate shape and foot that gentleman has.’ And I would take as little pleasure to spend six hours, of the four and twenty, in picking grey hairs out of my head or beard, or turning white into black. To stand half ravished in the contemplation of my own shadow; to dress fine, and go to church only to see handsome ladies; to correct the midnight air with ardent sighs and ejaculations; and to keep company with owls and bats, like a bird of evil omen; to walk the round of a mistress’ lodging, and play at bo-peep at the corner of every street; to adore her imperfections, (or as the song says, — for her ugliness, and for her want of coin); to make bracelets of her locks, and truck a pearl necklace for a shoestring. At this rate, I say, cursed again and again be he, for my part, that would live over again so wretched a life.

“Being come now to write full man, if I have an estate how many cares, suits, and wrangles go along with it! If I have none, what murmuring and regret at my misfortunes! By this time, the sins of my youth are gotten into my bones; I grow sour and melancholy; nothing pleases me; I curse old age to ten thousand devils; and the youth which I can never recover in my veins, I endeavour to fetch out of the barbers’ shops, from perruques, razors, and patches, to conceal, or at least disguise all the marks and evidences of Nature in her decay. Nay, when I shall have never an eye to see with nor a tooth left in my head, gouty legs, wind-mills in my crown, my nose running like a tap, and gravel in my reins by the bushel, then must I make oath that all this is nothing but mere accident, gotten by lying in the field, or the like, and out-face the truth in the very teeth of so many undeniable witnesses. There is no plague comparable to this hypocrisy of the members. To have an old fop shake his heels, when he’s ready to fall to pieces; and cry, these legs would make a shift yet to play with the best legs in the company; and then, with a lusty thump on’s breast, fetch ye up a hem, and cry, ‘Sound at heart, boy,’ and a thousand other fooleries of the like nature. But all this is nothing to the misery of an old fellow in love, especially if he be put to gallant it against a company of young gamesters. Oh the inward shame and vexation, to see himself scarce so much as neglected. It happens sometimes that a jolly lady, for want of better entertainment, may content herself with one of these reverend fornicators, instead of a whetstone; but alack, alack! the poor man is weak though willing; and after a whole night spent in cold and frivolous pretences and excuses, away he goes with torments of rage and confusion about him, not to be expressed; and many a heavy curse is sent after him for keeping a poor lady from her natural rest to so little purpose. How often must I be put to the blush too, when every old toast shall be calling me old acquaintance, and telling me, ‘Oh sir, ’tis many a fair day since you and I knew one another first. I think ’twas in the four and thirtieth of the Queen, that we were school-fellows. How the world’s altered since!’ etc. And then must my head be turned to a _memento mori_; my flesh dissolved into rheums; my skin withered and wrinkled; with a staff in my hand, knocking the earth at every trembling step, as if I called upon my grave to receive me; walking, like a moving phantosme; my life little more than a dream; my reins and bladder turned into a perfect quarry; and the urinal or pisspot my whole study. My next heir watching, every minute, for the long-looked-for and happy hour of my departure; and in the meantime, I’m become the physician’s revenue, and the surgeon’s practice, with an apothecary’s shop in my guts; and every old jade calling me grandsire. No, no; I’ll no more living again, I thank ye: one hell rather than two mothers.

“Let us now consider the comforts of life, the humours and the manners. He that would be rich must play the thief or the cheat; he that would rise in the world must turn parasite, informer, or projecter. He that marries ventures fair for the horn, either before or after. There is no valour without swearing, quarrelling, or hectoring. If ye are poor, nobody owns ye. If rich, you’ll know nobody. If you die young, ‘What pity it was,’ they’ll say, ‘that he should be cut off thus in his prime.’ If old, ‘He was e’en past his best; there’s no great miss of him.’ If you are religious, and frequent the church and the sacrament, you’re an hypocrite; and without this, you’re an atheist or an heretic. If you are gay and pleasant, you pass presently for a buffoon; and if pensive and reserved, you are taken to be sour and censorious. Courtesy is called colloguing and currying of favour; downright honesty and plain-dealing is interpreted to be pride and ill manners. This is the world; and for all that’s in’t I would not have it to go over again. If any of ye, my masters,” said he to his camerades, “be of another opinion, hold up your hands.” “No, no,” they cried all unanimously, “no more generation-work, I beseech ye; better the devils than the midwives.”

After this came a testator, cursing and raving like a bedlam, that he had made his last will and testament. “Ah villein!” said he, “for a man to murder himself as I have done! If I had not sealed, I had not died. Of all things, next a physician, deliver me from a testament. It has killed more than the pestilence. Oh miserable mortals, let the living take warning by the dead, and make no testaments. It was my hard luck, first to put my life into the physician’s power, and then, by making my will, to sign the sentence of death upon myself, and my own execution. ‘Put your soul and your estate in order,’ says the doctor, ‘for there’s no hope of life;’ and the word was no sooner out, but I was so wise and devout (forsooth) as to fall immediately upon the prologue of my will, with an _In nomine Domini_, Amen, etc. And when I came to dispose of my goods and chattels I pronounced these bloody words (I would I had been tongue-tied when I did it), ‘I make and constitute my son, my sole executor. _Item_, to my dear wife, I give and bequeath all my plays and romances, and all the furniture in the rooms upon the second storey. To my very good friend T. B. my large tankard, for a remembrance. To my foot-boy Robin, five pound to bind him prentice. To Betty, that tended me in my sickness, my little caudle-cup. To Mr. Doctor, my fair table diamond, for his care of me in my illness.’ After signing, and sealing, the ink was scarce dry upon the paper, but methought the earth opened as if it had been hungry to devour me. My son and my legatees were presently casting it up, how many hours I might yet hold out. If I called for the cordial julep, or a little of Dr. Gilbert’s water, my son was taking possession of my estate, my wife so busy about the beds and hangings that she could not intend it. The boy and the wench could understand nothing but about their legacies. My very good friend’s mind was wholly upon his tankard. My kind Dr. I must confess took occasion, now and then, to handle my pulse, and see whether the diamond were of the right black water, or no. If I asked him what I might eat, his answer was, ‘Anything, anything, e’en what you please yourself.’ At every groan I fetched, they were calling for their legacies, which they could not have till I was dead.

“But if I were to begin the world again, I think I should make another kind of testament. I would say: ‘A curse upon him that shall have my estate when I am dead, and may the first bit of bread he eats out on’t choke him. The devil in hell take what I cannot carry away, and him too, that straggles for’t, if he can catch him. If I die, let my boy Robin have the strappado, three hours a day, to be duly paid him during life. Let my wife die of the pip, or the mother (not a halfpenny matter which), but let her first live long enough to plague the damned doctor, and indite him for poisoning her poor husband.’ To speak sincerely, I can never forgive that dog-leech. Was it not enough to make me sick when I was well, without making me dead when I was sick? And not to rest there neither, but to persecute me in my grave too. But, to say the truth, this is only neighbours’ fare; for all those fools that trust in them are served with the same sauce. A vomit or a purge is as good a passport into the other world as a man would wish. And then, when our heads are laid, ’tis never to be endured the scandals they cast upon our bodies and memories! ‘Heaven rest his soul,’ cries one, ‘he killed himself with a debauch.’ ‘How is’t possible,’ says another, ‘to cure a man that keeps no diet?’ ‘He was a madman,’ cries a third, ‘a mere sot, and would not be governed by his physician. His body was as rotten as a pear, he had as many diseases as a horse, and it was not in the power of man to save him. And truly ’twas well that his hour was come, for he had better a great deal die well than live on as he did.’ Thieves and murtherers that ye are, you yourselves are that hour ye talk of. The physician is only death in a disguise, and brings his patient’s hour along with him. Cruel people! Is it not enough to take away a man’s life, and like common hangmen to be paid for’t when ye have done, but you must blast the honour too of those you have dispatched, to excuse your ignorance? Let but the living follow my counsel, and write their testaments after this copy, they shall live long and happily, and not go out of the world at last like a rat with a straw in his arse (as a learned author has it) or be cut off in the flower of their days, by these counterfeit doctors of the faculty of the close-stool.”

The dead man plied his discourse with so much gravity and earnestness, that Lucifer began to believe what he said. But because all truths are not to be spoken, especially among the devils, where hardly any are admitted; and for fear of mischief, if the doctors should come to hear what had been said, Lucifer presently ordered the fellow to be gagged, or put in security for his good behaviour.

His mouth was no sooner stopped but another was opened; and one of the damned came running cross the company, and so up and down, back and forward (like a cur that had lost his master) bawling as if he had been out of his wits, and crying out, “Oh! where am I? Where am I? I am abused, I am choused; what’s the meaning of all this? Here are damning devils, tempting devils, and tormenting devils, but the devil a devil can I find of the devils that brought me hither; they have gotten away my devils; where are they? Give me my devils again.”

It might well make the company stare, to see a fellow hunting for devils in hell, where they swarm in legions. But as he was in this hurry, a gouvernante caught him by the arm, and gave him a half turn and stopped him. “Old lucky-bird,” says she, “if thou wantest devils here, where dost expect to find them?” He knew her as soon as he saw her. And “Art thou here old Beelzebub in a petticoat?” said he, “the very picture of Satan, the coupler of male and female, the buckle and thong of lechery, the multiplier of sin and the guide of sinners, the seasoner of rotten mutton, the interpretress betwixt whores and knaves, the preface to the remedy of love, and the prologue to the critical minute. Speak, and without more ado, tell me, where are the devils and their dams that brought me hither? These are none of them. No, no; I am not such an awfe as to be trepanned and spirited away by devils with tails, horns, bristles, wings, that smell as if they had been smoked in a chimney-corner. The devils that I look for are worse than these. Where are the mothers that play the bawds to their own daughters? and the aunts that do as much for their nieces, and make them caper and sparkle like wild-fire? The black-eyed girls that carry fire in their eyes, and strike as sure as a lance from the rest of a cavalier? Where are the flatterers that speak nothing but pleasing things? The make-bates and incendiaries, that are the very canker of human society? Where are the story-mongers? The masters of the faculty of lying? that report more than they hear, affirm more than they know, and swear more than they believe. Those slanderous backbiters, that like vultures prey only upon carrion? Where are the hypocrites that turn devotion into interest, and make a revenue of a commandment? That pretend ecstasy when they are drunk, and utter the fumes and dreams of their luxury and tipple for revelations? That make chapels of their parlours, preachments of their ordinary entertainments, and everything they do is a miracle. They can divine all that’s told them, and raise people to life again; that counterfeit sick, when they should work, and give an honest man to the devil with a _Deo gratias_. These are the devils I would be at; these are they that have damned me; look them out, and find them for me, ye impudent hag, or I shall be so bold as to search your French hood for them.” And with that word he fell on upon the poor gouvernante, tore off her head-gear, and laid about him so furiously that there would have been no getting him off, if Lucifer had not made use of his absolute authority to quiet him.

Immediately upon the composing of this fray we heard the shooting of bars and bolts, the opening of doors and hinges that creaked for want of grease, and a strange humming of a great number of people. The first that appeared were a company of bold, talkative, and painted old women; but as bonny and gamesome, tickling and toying with one another, as if they had never seen thirteen; and carrying it out with an air of much satisfaction and content. The babbler was somewhat scandalised at their behaviour, and told them how ill they did to be merry in hell; and several others admired it as much, and asked them the reason of it, considering their condition. With that one of the gang, that was wretchedly thin and pale, and raised upon a pair of heels that made her legs longer than her body, told Lucifer, with great respect, that at their first coming they were as sad as it was possible for a company of damned old jades to be. “But,” says she, “we were a little comforted when we heard of no other punishments here, than weeping and gnashing of teeth, and in some hope to come off upon reasonable terms; for we have not among us all so much as a drop of moisture in our bodies, nor a tooth in our heads.” “Search them presently,” cried the intermeddler, “squeeze the balls of their eyes, and let their gums be examined, you’ll find snags, stumps, or roots; or enough of somewhat or other there to spoil the jest.” Upon the scrutiny they were found so dry that they were good for nothing in the world but to serve for tinder or matches, and so they were disposed of into the devils’ tinder-boxes.

While they were casing up the old women there came on a number of people of several sorts and qualities, that called out to the first they saw, “Pray’e gentlemen,” said they, “before we go any further, will ye direct us to the court of rewards?” “How’s that,” cried one of the company, “I was afraid we had been in hell, but since you talk of rewards I hope ’tis but purgatory.” “Good, good,” said the whole multitude, “you’ll quickly find where you are.” “Purgatory!” cried the intermeddler, “you have left that up the hill there, upon the right hand. This is hell, and a place of punishment; here’s no registry of rewards.” “Then we are mistaken,” said he that spake first. “How so?” cried the intermeddler. “You shall hear,” said the other, “we were in the Other world entitled to the order of the squires of the pad, and borrowed now and then a small sum upon the King’s highway; we understood somewhat too of the cross-bite and the use of the frail dye. Some of our conscientious and charitable friends would fain have drawn us off from the course we were in, and, to give them their due, bestowed a great deal of good counsel upon us to very little purpose; for we were in a pretty way of thriving, and had gotten a habit and could not leave it. We asked them, ‘What would you have us do? Money we have none, and without it there’s no living; should we stay till it were brought, or came alone? How would ye have a poor _individuum vagum_ to live? that has neither estate, office, master, nor friend to maintain him, and is quite out of his element unless he be either in a tavern, a bawdy-house, or a gaming ordinary. Now, that’s the man that Providence has appointed to live by his wits.’ Our advisers saw there was no good to be done, and went their way, telling us that in the other world we should meet with our reward.

“They would tell us some time, how base a thing it was to defame the house and abuse the bed of a friend. Our answer was ready, ‘Well! and had we not better do it there where the house is open to us, the master and lady kind, the occasion fair and easy, than to run a caterwauling into a family where every servant in the house is a spy, and (perhaps) a fellow behind every door in the house with a dagger or pistol in his hand to entertain us.’ Upon this, our grave counsellors finding us so resolute, e’en gave us over, and told us as before, that in the other world we should meet with our reward. Now taking this to be the other world these honest men told us of, we are inquiring after the rewards they promised us.”

“Abominable scoundrels!” said an officer of justice, there at hand, “how many of your reprobated companions have squandered away their fortunes upon whores and dice, exposing not only their wives and children but many a noble family to a shameful and irreparable ruin; and let any man put in a word of wholesome advice, their answer is, ‘Tush, tush; our wives and children are in the hands of Providence; and let Him provide for the rooks, that feeds the ravens.’ Then was it told ye, you should find your reward in the other world; and the time is now come wherein ye shall receive it; up, up then, ye cursed spirits, and away with them.” At which word a legion of devils fell on upon the miserable caitiffs, with whips and firebrands, and gave them their long-expected reward; and at every lash a voice was heard to say, “In the other world you shall receive your reward;” these wretches, in the meanwhile, damning and sinking themselves to the pit of hell, still, as if they had been upon earth, and vomiting their customary and execrable blasphemies.

Just as this storm blew over there drew near a multitude of bailiffs, sergeants, Catchpoles, and other officers of prey, with the thieves’ devil, bound hand and foot, and a foul accusation against him. Whereupon Lucifer, with a fell countenance, took his seat in a flaming chair, and called his officers about him. So soon as the prince had taken his place, a certain officer began his report. “Here is before thee,” quoth he, “a devil, most mighty Lucifer, that stands charged with ignorance in his trade; and the shame of his quality and profession, instead of damning men, he has made it his business to save them.” The word save put the court in such a rage, that they bit their lips till the blood started and the fire sparkled at their eyes; and Lucifer, turning about to his attorney, “Who would ever have imagined,” said he, “that so treacherous a rascal could have been harboured in my dominions?” “It is most certain, my gracious lord,” replied the attorney, “that this devil has been very diligent in drawing people into thefts and pilferies, and then, when they come to be discovered, they are clapped up and hanged, or some mischief or other. But still, before execution, the ordinary calls them to shrift; and many times the toy takes them in the head to confess and repent, and so they are saved. Now this silly devil thinks, that when he has brought them to steal, murder, coin, and the like, he has done his part, and so he leaves them; whereas he should stick close to them in the prison, and be tempting of them to despair and make away themselves. But when they are once left to the priest, he commonly brings them to a sight of their sins, and they ’scape. Now this simple devil was not aware, it seems, that many a soul goes to heaven from the gallows, the wheel, and the faggot: and this failing has lost your Highness many a fair purchase.” “Here’s enough,” cried the president, “and there needs no more charge against him.” The poor devil thought it was high time to speak now, when they were just upon the point of passing his sentence; and so he cried out, “My lord,” said he, “I beseech you hear me; for though they say the devil is dead, it is not meant of your greatness.” So there was a general silence, and thus he proceeded.

“I cannot deny, my lord, but Tyburn is the way to paradise, and many a man goes to heaven from the gallows. But if you will set those that are damned for condemning others, against those that are saved from the gallows, hell will be found no loser by me at the foot of the account. How many marshal’s-men, turn-keys, and keepers have I sent ye for letting a coiner give them the slip now and then, with his false money (always provided they leave better money instead on’t). How many false witnesses and knights of the post, that would set their consciences like clocks to go faster or slower, according as they had more or less weight, and swear _ex tempore_, at all rates and prices! How many solicitors, attorneys, and clerks, that would draw ye up a declaration or an indictment, so slyly, that I myself could hardly discover any error in’t; and yet, when it came to the test, it was as plain as the nose on a man’s face (that is to say again, provided they were well paid for the fashion). How many jailers that would wink at an escape for a lusty bribe! And how many attorneys that would give ye dispatch or delay thereafter, as they were greased! Now, after all this, what does it signify, if one thief of a thousand comes to the gallows? he only suffers because he was poor, that there may be the better trading for the rich, and without any design in the world to suppress stealing. Nay, it often falls out, that they that bring the malefactor to the gibbet are the worse criminals of the two. But they are never looked after; or, if they should be, they have tricks and fetches enough to bring themselves off; so that it fares in this case, as it did with him that had his house troubled with rats, and would needs take in a company of cats to destroy them: the rats would be nibbling at his cheese, his bacon, a crust of bread, and now and then a candle’s end; but when the cats came, down went a milk-bowl, away goes a brace of partridges or a couple of pigeons, and the poor man must content himself to go supperless to bed. In the conclusion, the rats were troublesome, but the cats were intolerable. And then there’s this in’t: Suppose one poor fellow hangs and goes to heaven: I do but give him in truck for two hundred, at least, that deserve to be hanged but ’scape and go to hell at last. Beside, a thief upon a gibbet is as good as a roasted dog in a pigeon house; for ye shall immediately have two or three thousand witches about him, for snips of his halter, an eye-tooth, or a collop of his fat, which is of sovereign use in many of their charms. But, in fine, let me do what I will my services are not understood. My successor, it may be, will discharge his duty better, and indeed I am very well content to lay down my commission; for (to say the truth) I am in years, and would gladly have a little rest now, in my old age, which I rather propose to myself in the service of some pretender than where I am.”

Lucifer heard him with great patience, and, in the end, gave him all the satisfaction imaginable; strictly charging the evil spirits that had abused him to do so no more, upon hazard of pains corporal and spiritual; and they desired him, too, that he would not lay down his employment, for he was strong enough yet to do very good service in it. But to think of easing himself, by going to a pretender, he’d find himself mistaken, for ’twas a duty he’d never be able to endure. “Well!” says he, “e’en what your Highness pleases. But truly I thought a devil might have lived very comfortably in that condition; for he has no more to do, that I can see, than to keep his ears open, and learn his trade. For put case it should be some pretender to a good office, or a fat bishopric (though the fathers and councils are against pretenders in this case) I fancy to myself all the pleasure and divertisement that may be. It is as good as going to school, for these people teach the devils their A B C. And all that we have to do is to sit still and learn.”