Chapter VIII: Part 8

The vision that followed this was the dæmon of tobacco, which I must confess did not a little surprise me. I have indeed often said to myself, “Certainly these smokers are possessed;” but I could never swear it till now. “I have,” said the devil, “by bringing this weed into Spain, revenged the Indians upon the Spaniards for all the massacres and butcheries they committed there, and done them more mischief than ever Colon, Cortes, Almero, Pizarro did in the Indies: by how much it is more honourable to die upon a sword’s point by gunshot, or at the mouth of a cannon, than for a man to snivel and sneeze himself into another world; or to go away in a meagrim or a spotted fever, perchance, which is the ordinary effect of this poisonous tobacco. It is with tobacconists as ’tis with demoniacs under an exorcism, they fume and vapour, but the devil sticks to them still. Many there are that make a very idol of it; they admire, they adore it, tempting and persecuting all people to take it, and the bare mention of it puts them into an ecstasy. In the smoke it is a probation for hell, where another day they must endure smoking; taken in powder, at the nose, it draws upon youth the incommodities of old age, in the perpetual annoyance of rheum and drivel.”

The devil of subornation came next, which was a good-complexioned and a well-timbered devil, to my great amazement I must acknowledge, for I had never seen any devils till now but what were extreme ugly. The air of his face was so familiar to me that methought I had seen it in a thousand several places; sometime under a veil, sometime open; now under one shape and then under another. One while he called himself child’s-play; another while, kind entertainment; here, payment; there, restitution; and, in a third place, alms: but, in fine, I could never learn his right name. I remember in some places I have heard him called inheritance, profit, good cheap, patrimony, gratitude. Here he was called doctor; there, bachelor. With the lawyers, solicitors, and attorneys, he passed under the name of right; and the confessors called him charity.

He was well accompanied, and styled himself Satan’s lieutenant; but there was a devil of consequence that opposed him, might and main, and made this proclamation of himself. “Be it known,” says he, “that I am the great embroiler and politic entangler of affairs. The deluder of princes, the pretext of the unworthy, and the excuse of tyrants. I can make black, white; and give what colour I please to the foulest actions in nature. If I had a mind to overturn the world, and put all in a general confusion, I could do it; for I have it in my power to banish order and reason out of it; to turn sauciness and importunity into merit, example into necessity; to give law to success, authority to infamy, and credit to insolence. I have the tongues of all counsellors at my girdle, and they shall speak neither more nor less than just as I please. In short, that’s easy to me which others account impossible, and while I live ye need never fear either virtue, justice, or good government in the world. This devil of subornation, that talks of his lieutenancy, what could he ever have done without me? He’s a rascal that no person of quality would admit into his company, if I did not fit him with vizors and disguises. Let him hold his tongue then, and know himself; and let me hear no more of those disputes about the lieutenancy of hell, for I have Lucifer’s broad seal to show for my title to’t.”

“For my part,” cried another mutinous spirit, “I am one of those humble-minded devils that can content myself to hold the door, upon a good occasion; or knock under the table, and play at small game rather than stand out. But few words among friends are best, and when I have spoken three or four, let him come up that lists. I am then,” says he, “the devil interpreter, and my business is to gloss upon the text; in which case, the cuckolds are exceedingly beholden to me; for I have much to say for the honour of the horn. How should a poor fellow that has a handsome wench to his wife, and never a penny to live on, hold up his head in the world, if it were not for that quality? I have a pretty faculty in doing good offices for distressed ladies, at a time of need; and I make the whole sex sensible how great a folly and madness it is to neglect those sweet opportunities. Among other secrets, I have found out a way to establish an office for thievery, where the officers shall be thieves and justify it when they have done.” Here he stopped.

There was a short silence, and then there appeared another devil of about a foot and a half long. “I am,” says he, “a devil but of a small size, and perhaps one of the least in hell; and yet the door opens to me as well as to another, for I never come empty handed.” “Why, what have you brought them?” says the intermeddler, and came up to him, “What have I brought?” quoth he, “I have brought an eternal talker and a finical flatterer; they are two pieces that were in high esteem in the cabinets of two great princes, and I have brought them for a present to Lucifer.” With that, Lucifer cast his eye upon them, and with a damned-verjuice-face, as if he had bitten a crab, “You do well,” says he, “to say ye had them at court; and I think you should do well to carry them thither again; for I had as lief have their room as their company.”

After him followed another dwarf devil, complaining that he had been a matter of six years about so infamous a rascal, that there was no good to be done with him, for the bad as well as the better sort were scandalised at his conversation. “A mighty piece of business,” cried the gouvernante. “And could you not have gotten him a handsome office or employment? That would have made him good for something, and you might have done his business.”

In the meantime the babbler went whispering up and down and finding faults, till at length he came to a huge bundle of sleeping devils in a corner, that were fagotted up, and all mouldy and full of cobwebs, which he immediately gave notice of, and they cut the band to give them air. With much ado they waked them, and asked what devils they were, what they did there, and why they were not upon duty. They fell a-yawning, and said that they were the devils of luxury: “But since the women have taken a fancy to prefer guinies and jacobusses before their modesty and honour, there has been no need of a devil in the case to tempt them; for ’tis but showing them the merry spankers, they’ll dare like larks, and fall down before ye, and then ye may e’en do what you will with them, and take them up in a purse-net. Gold supplies all imperfections; it makes an angel of a crocodile, turns a fool into a philosopher, and a dressing-box well lined is worth twenty thousand devils. So that there is no temptation like a present; and take them from top to bottom, the whole race of woman is frail, and one thread of pearl will do more with them than a million of fine stories.”

Just as this devil made an end we heard another snorting; and ’twas well he did so, for we had trod upon his belly else. He was laid hold of, upon suspicion that he slept dog-sleep, or rather the sleep of a contented cuckold, that would spoil no sport where he made none. “I am,” says he, “the nuns’ devil, and for want of other employment I have been three days asleep here as you found me. My mistresses are now choosing an abbess, and always when they are at that work I make holiday: for they are all devils themselves then; there is such canvassing, flattering, importuning, cajoling, making of parties; and in a word so general a confusion, that a devil among them would do more hurt than good. Nay, the ambitious make it a point of honour upon such an occasion, to show that they can out-wit the devils. And if ever hell should be in danger of a peace, it is my advice that you presently call in a convention of nuns to the election of an abbess, which would most certainly reduce it to its ancient state of sedition, mutiny, and confusion, and bring us all in effect to such a pass that we should hardly know one another.”

Lucifer was very well pleased with the advice, and ordered it to be entered upon the register, as a sure expedient to suppress any disorders that might happen for the future to the disturbance of his government: after which he commanded the issuing out of a summons to all his companies and livery-men, who forthwith appeared in prodigious multitudes; and Lucifer with a hideous yell delivered himself most graciously as follows.

THE DECREE OF LUCIFER

“To our trusty and despairing legions, and well-beloved subjects, lying under the condemnation of perpetual darkness, that lived pensioners to sin, and had death for their pay-master, greeting. This is to let you understand, that there are two devils, who pretend a claim to the honour of our lieutenancy; but we have absolutely refused to gratify either the one or the other, in that point, out of a singular affection and respect to our right trusty and well-beloved cousin, a certain she-devil that deserves it before all others.”

At this the whole assembly fell to whispering and muttering, and staring one upon another, till at last Lucifer observing it bade them never trouble themselves to guess who it might be, but fetch good fortune to him, known otherwise by the name of Madam Prosperity, who presently appeared in the tail of the assembly, and with a proud and disdainful air marched up and planted herself before the degraded seraphim, who looked her wistly in the face, and then he on in the tone he first began.

“It is our will, pleasure, and command, that next and immediately under our proper person, you pay all honour and respect to the Lady Prosperity, and obey her, as the most mighty and supreme governess of these our dominions. Which titles and qualities we have conferred upon her, as due to her merit; for she hath damned more souls than all you together. She it is that makes men cast off all fear of God and love of their neighbour. She it is that makes men place their sovereign good in riches; that engages and entangles men’s minds in vanity; strikes them blind in their pleasures; loads them with treasure, and buries them in sin. Where’s the tragedy that she has not played her part in’t? Where’s the stability and wisdom that she has not staggered? Where’s the folly that she has not improved and augmented? She takes no counsel and fears no punishment. She it is that furnishes matter for scandal, experience for story, that entertains the cruelty of tyrants, and bathes the executioners in innocent blood. How many souls that lived innocent, while they were poor, have fallen into impiety and reprobation, so soon as ever they came to drink of the enchanted cup of prosperity! Go to then, be obedient to her, we charge ye all, as to ourself; and know, that they that stand their ground against prosperity are none of your quarry. Let them e’en alone, for ’tis but time lost to attempt them. Take example from that impertinent devil, that got leave to tempt Job; he persecuted him, beggared him, covered him all over with scabs and ulcers. Sot that he was! if he had understood his business, he would have gone another way to work, and begged leave to have multiplied riches upon him, and to have possessed him of health and pleasures. That’s the trial; and how many are there that when they thrive in the world turn their backs upon Heaven, and never so much as name their Creator, but in oaths, and then too, without thinking on Him? Their discourse is all of jollities, banquets, comedies, purchases, and the like. Whereas the poor man has God perpetually both in his mouth and heart. ‘Lord,’ says he, ‘be mindful of me, and have mercy upon me, for all my trust is in Thee.’ Wherefore,” says Lucifer, redoubling his accursed clamour, “let it be published forthwith throughout all our territories, that calamities, troubles, and persecutions are our mortal enemies, for so we have found them upon experience; they are the dispensations of Providence, the blessings of the Almighty, to fit sinners for Himself, and they that suffer them are enrolled in the militia of heaven.

“_Item_; For the better administration of our government, it is our will and pleasure, and we do strictly charge and command, that our devils give constant attendance in all courts of judicature; and they are hereby totally discharged from any further care of little pettifoggers, flatterers, and envious persons, for they are so well acquainted with hell road, that they’ll guide one another without the help of a devil to bring them hither.

“_Item_; We do ordain and command that no devil presume for the future to entertain any confident, but profit; for that’s the harbinger that provides vice the most commodious quarter, even in the straitest consciences.

“_Item_; We do ordain, as a matter of great importance to the conservation of our empire, that in what part soever of our dominions the devil of money shall vouchsafe to appear, all other devils there present shall rise, and, with a low reverence, present him the chair, in token of their submission to his power and authority.

“_Item_; We do most expressly charge and command all our officers, as well civil as military, to employ their utmost diligence and industry, for the establishing a general peace throughout the world. For that’s the time for wickedness to thrive in, and all sorts of vices to prosper and flourish—as luxury, gluttony, idleness, lying, slandering, gaming, and whoring; and, in a word, sin is upon the increase and goodness in the wane. Whereas in a state of war, men are upon the exercise of valour and virtue; calling often upon Heaven, in the morning, for fear of being knocked on the head after dinner: and honest men and actions are rewarded.

“_Item_; We do from this time forward discharge all our officers and agents whatsoever, from giving themselves any further trouble of tempting men and women to sins of incontinence, for as much as we find, upon experience, that adultery and fornication will never be left, till the old woman scratches the stool for her backside. And though there may be several intervals of repentance, and some faint purposes of giving it over, yet the humour returns again with the next tide of blood, and concupiscence is as loyal a subject to us as any we have in our dominions.

“_Item_; In consideration of the exemption aforesaid, by which means several poor devils are left without present employment; and forasmuch as there are many merchants and tradesmen in London, Paris, Madrid, Amsterdam, and elsewhere, up and down the world, that are very charitably disposed to relieve people in want, especially young heirs newly at age, and spendthrifts, that come to borrow money of them; but the times being dead, and little money stirring, all they can do is to furnish them with what the house affords; and if a hundred pound or two in commodity will do them any good, ’tis at their service (they say). This the gallant takes up at an excessive rate, to sell again immediately for what he can get; and the merchant has his friend to take it off underhand, at a third part of the value (which is the way of helping men in distress). Now out of a singular respect to the said merchants and tradesmen, and for their better encouragement, as also, to the end that the devils aforesaid may not run into lewd courses for want of business, we will and require that a legion of the said devils shall from time to time be continually aiding and assisting to the said merchants and tradesmen, in the quality of factors, to be relieved monthly by a fresh legion, or oftener if occasion shall require.

“_Item_; We will and command that all our devils, of what degree or quality soever, do henceforth entertain a strict amity and correspondence with our trusty and well beloved the usurers, the revengeful, the envious, and all pretenders to great places and dignities; and, above all others, with the hypocrites, who are the most powerful impostors in nature, and so excellently skilled in their trade that they steal away people’s hearts and souls at the eyes and ears insensibly, and draw to themselves adoration and reward.

“_Item_; We do further order and command, that all care possible be taken for the maintaining of blabs, informers, incendiaries, and parasites in all courts and palaces, for thence comes our harvest.

“_Item_; That the babblers, tale-bearers, make-bates, and instruments of divorces and quarrels, be no longer called fanes, but bellows; in regard that they draw and inflame, without giving any allay or refreshment.

“_Item_; That the intermeddlers be hereafter called and reputed the devils’ body-lice, because they fetch blood of those that feed and nourish them.”

Lucifer then casting a sour look over his shoulder, and spying the gouvernante: “I’m of his mind,” quoth he, “that said, ‘Let God dispose of the Doüegnas (or gouvernantes) as He pleases; for I’m in no little trouble how to dispose of these confounded carrions.’” Whereupon, the damned cried out, with one voice, “Oh, Lucifer! let it never be said that it rained Doüegnas in thy dominions. Are we not miserable enough without this new plague of being baited by hags?” “Ah! cursed Lucifer,” cried every one to himself, “stow them anywhere, so they come not near me.” And with that, they all clapped their tails between their legs, and drew in their horns, for fear of this new torment. Lucifer, finding how the dread of the old women wrought upon the devils, contented himself, at the present, to let it pass only _in terrorem_; but withal he swore, by the honour of his imperial crown, and as he hoped to be saved, that what devil devil’s dam, or reprobate soever, should in time to come be found wanting to his duty and in the least degree disobedient to his laws and ordinances, all and every the said devil or devils, their dams and reprobates so offending, should be delivered up to the torture of the Doüegna, and tied muzzle to muzzle; so to remain _in sæcula sæculorum_, without relief or appeal, or any law, statute, or usage to the contrary notwithstanding. “But in the meantime, cast them into that dry ditch,” says he, “that they may be ready for use upon any occasion.”

Immediately, upon the pronouncing of this solemn decree, Lucifer retired to his cell, the weather cleared up, and the company dispersed in a fright, at so horrible a menace, and so went about their business: when a voice was heard out of the clouds, as the voice of an angel, saying, “He that rightly comprehends the morality of this discourse, shall never repent the reading of it.”

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THE END

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