Chapter XVI: Act III: Scene I

_A room in the Duke's Palace._

_Enter_ PIETRO, MENDOZA, EQUATO, _and_ BILIOSO.

_Pietro._ 'Tis grown to youth of day: how shall we waste
this light?
My heart's more heavy than a tyrant's crown.
Shall we go hunt? Prepare for field.

[_Exit_ EQUATO.

_Men._ Would ye could be merry!

_Pietro._ Would God I could! Mendoza, bid 'em haste.

[_Exit_ MENDOZA.

I would fain shift place; O vain relief!
Sad souls may well change place, but not change grief:
As deer, being struck, fly thorough many soils,[453]
Yet still the shaft sticks fast, so----

_Bil._ A good old simile, my honest lord. 10

_Pietro._ I am not much unlike to some sick man
That long desirèd hurtful drink; at last
Swills in and drinks his last, ending at once
Both life and thirst. O, would I ne'er had known
My own dishonour! Good God, that men should desire
To search out that, which, being found, kills all
Their joy of life! to taste the tree of knowledge,
And then be driven from out paradise!--
Canst give me some comfort? 19

_Bil._ My lord, I have some books which have been
dedicated to my honour, and I ne'er read 'em, and yet
they had very fine names, _Physic for Fortune_,[454] _Lozenges
of sanctified sincerity_,[455] very pretty works of curates,
scriveners, and schoolmasters. Marry, I remember one
Seneca, Lucius Annæus Seneca----

_Pietro._ Out upon him! he writ of temperance and
fortitude, yet lived like a voluptuous epicure, and died
like an effeminate coward.--Haste thee to Florence:
Here, take our letters; see 'em seal'd: away!
Report in private to the honour'd duke 30
His daughter's forc'd disgrace; tell him at length
We know too much: due compliments[456] advance:
There's naught that's safe and sweet but ignorance.[457]

[_Exit._

_Enter_ BIANCA.

_Bil._ Madam, I am going ambassador for Florence;
'twill be great charges to me.

_Bian._ No matter, my lord, you have the lease of two
manors come out next Christmas; you may lay your
tenants on the greater rack for it: and when you come
home again, I'll teach you how you shall get two hundred
pounds a-year by your teeth. 40

_Bil._ How, madam?

_Bian._ Cut off so much from house-keeping: that
which is saved by the teeth, you know, is got by the
teeth.

_Bil._ 'Fore God, and so I may; I am in wondrous
credit, lady.

_Bian._ See the use of flattery: I did ever counsel you
to flatter greatness, and you have profited well: any
man that will do so shall be sure to be like your Scotch
barnacle,[458] now a block, instantly a worm, and presently a
great goose: this it is to rot and putrefy in the bosom of
greatness. 52

_Bil._ Thou art ever my politician. O, how happy is
that old lord that hath a politician to his young lady!
I'll have fifty gentlemen shall attend upon me: marry,
the most of them shall be farmers' sons, because they
shall bear their own charges; and they shall go apparelled
thus,--in sea-water-green suits, ash-colour cloaks, watchet
stockings, and popinjay-green feathers: will not the
colours do excellent? 60

_Bian._ Out upon't! they'll look like citizens riding to
their friends at Whitsuntide; their apparel just so many
several parishes.

_Bil._ I'll have it so; and Passarello, my fool, shall go
along with me; marry, he shall be in velvet.

_Bian._ A fool in velvet!

_Bil._ Ay, 'tis common for your fool to wear satin; I'll
have mine in velvet.

_Bian._ What will you wear, then, my lord? 69

_Bil._ Velvet too; marry, it shall be embroidered,
because I'll differ from the fool somewhat. I am horribly
troubled with the gout: nothing grieves me, but that
my doctor hath forbidden me wine, and you know your
ambassador must drink. Didst thou ask thy doctor what
was good for the gout?

_Bian._ Yes; he said, ease, wine, and women, were good
for it.

_Bil._ Nay, thou hast such a wit! What was good to
cure it, said he? 79

_Bian._ Why, the rack. All your empirics could never
do the like cure upon the gout the rack did in England,
or your Scotch boot.[459] The French harlequin[460] will
instruct you.

_Bil._ Surely, I do wonder how thou, having for the instructmost part of thy lifetime been a country body, shouldst instructhave so good a wit.

_Bian._ Who, I? why, I have been a courtier thrice two
instructmonths. 88

_Bil._ So have I this twenty year, and yet there was a instructgentleman-usher called me coxcomb t'other day, and to instructmy face too: was't not a backbiting rascal? I would I instructwere better travelled, that I might have been better instructacquainted with the fashions of several countrymen: but instructmy secretary, I think, he hath sufficiently instructed me.

_Bian._ How, my lord?

_Bil._ "Marry, my good lord," quoth he, "your lordship instructshall ever find amongst a hundred Frenchmen forty instructhot-shots; amongst a hundred Spaniards, three-score instructbraggarts; amongst a hundred Dutchmen, four-score instructdrunkards; amongst an hundred Englishmen, four-score instructand ten madmen; and amongst an hundred Welshmen"---- 102

_Bian._ What, my lord?

_Bil._ "Four-score and nineteen gentlemen."[461]

_Bian._ But since you go about a sad embassy, I would
instructhave you go in black, my lord.

_Bil._ Why, dost think I cannot mourn, unless I wear
my hat in cipres,[462] like an alderman's heir? that's vile,
instruct very old, in faith.

_Bian._ I'll learn of you shortly: O, we should have a
fine gallant of you, should not I instruct you! How will
you bear yourself when you come into the Duke of
Florence' court? 113

_Bil._ Proud enough, and 'twill do well enough: as I
walk up and down the chamber, I'll spit frowns about
me, have a strong perfume in my jerkin, let my beard
grow to make me look terrible, salute no man beneath
the fourth button; and 'twill do excellent.

_Bian._ But there is a very beautiful lady there; how
will you entertain her? 120

_Bil._ I'll tell you that, when the lady hath entertained
me: but to satisfy thee, here comes the fool.

_Enter_ PASSARELLO.

Fool, thou shalt stand for the fair lady.

_Pass._ Your fool will stand for your lady most willingly
and most uprightly.

_Bil._ I'll salute her in Latin.

_Pass._ O, your fool can understand no Latin.

_Bil._ Ay, but your lady can.

_Pass._ Why, then, if your lady take down your fool, your
fool will stand no longer for your lady. 130

_Bil._ A pestilent fool! 'fore God, I think the world
be turned upside down too.

_Pass._ O, no, sir; for then your lady and all the ladies
in the palace should go with their heels upward, and that
were a strange sight, you know.

_Bil._ There be many will repine at my preferment.

_Pass._ O, ay, like the envy of an elder sister, that hath
her younger made a lady before her.

_Bil._ The duke is wondrous discontented.

_Pass._ Ay, and more melancholic than a usurer having
all his money out at the death of a prince. 141

_Bil._ Didst thou see Madam Floria to-day?

_Pass._ Yes, I found her repairing her face to-day; the
red upon the white showed as if her cheeks should have
been served in for two dishes of barberries in stewed
broth, and the flesh to them a woodcock.

_Bil._ A bitter fool![463]--Come, madam, this night thou
shalt enjoy me freely, and to-morrow for Florence. 148

_Pass._ What a natural fool is he that would be a pair
of boddice to a woman's petticoat, to be trussed and
pointed to them! Well, I'll dog my lord; and the word
is proper: for when I fawn upon him, he feeds me; when
I snap him by the fingers, he spits in my mouth. If a
dog's death were not strangling, I had rather be one
than a serving-man; for the corruption of coin is either
the generation of a usurer or a lousy beggar.

[_Exeunt_ BIANCA _and_ PASSARELLO.

_Enter_ MALEVOLE _in some frize gown, whilst_ BILIOSO
_reads his patent_.

_Mal._ I cannot sleep; my eyes' ill-neighbouring lids
Will hold no fellowship. O thou pale sober night,
Thou that in sluggish fumes all sense dost steep;
Thou that giv'st all the world full leave to play, 160
Unbend'st the feebled veins of sweaty labour!
The galley-slave, that all the toilsome day
Tugs at his oar against the stubborn wave,
Straining his rugged veins, snores fast;
The stooping scythe-man, that doth barb the field,
Thou mak'st wink sure: in night all creatures sleep;
Only the malcontent, that 'gainst his fate
Repines and quarrels,--alas, he's goodman tell-clock!
His sallow jaw-bones sink with wasting moan;
Whilst others' beds are down, his pillow's stone. 170

_Bil._ Malevole!

_Mal._ Elder of Israel, thou honest defect of wicked
nature and obstinate ignorance, when did thy wife let
thee lie with her?

_Bil._ I am going ambassador to Florence.

_Mal._ Ambassador! Now, for thy country's honour,
prithee, do not put up mutton and porridge i' thy cloakbag.
Thy young lady wife goes to Florence with thee
too, does she not?

_Bil._ No, I leave her at the palace. 180

_Mal._ At the palace! Now, discretion shield, man;
for God's love, let's ha' no more cuckolds! Hymen
begins to put off his saffron[464] robe: keep thy wife i' the
state of grace. Heart o' truth, I would sooner leave my
lady singled in a bordello than in the Genoa palace:
Sin there appearing in her sluttish shape,
Would soon grow loathsome, even to blushes' sense;
Surfeit would choke[465] intemperate appetite,
Make the soul scent the rotten breath of lust.
When in an Italian lascivious palace, 190
A lady guardianless,
Left to the push of all allurement,
The strongest incitements to immodesty,
To have her bound, incens'd with wanton sweets,
Her veins fill'd high with heating delicates,
Soft rest, sweet music, amorous masquerers,
Lascivious banquets, sin itself gilt o'er,
Strong fantasy tricking up strange delights,
Presenting it dress'd pleasingly to sense,
Sense leading it unto the soul, confirm'd 200
With potent examples impudent custom,
Entic'd by that great bawd, opportunity;[466]
Thus being prepar'd, clap to her easy ear
Youth in good clothes, well-shap'd, rich,
Fair-spoken, promising, noble, ardent, blood-full,
Witty, flattering,--Ulysses absent,
O Ithaca,[467] can chastest Penelope hold out?

_Bil._ Mass, I'll think on't. Farewell.

_Mal._ Farewell. Take thy wife with thee. Farewell.

[_Exit_ BILIOSO.

To Florence; um! it may prove good, it may; 210
And we may once unmask our brows.

_Enter_ CELSO.

_Celso._ My honour'd lord,--

_Mal._ Celso, peace! how is't? speak low: pale fears
Suspect that hedges, walls, and trees, have ears:
Speak, how runs all?

_Celso._ I'faith, my lord, that beast with many heads,
The staggering multitude, recoils apace:
Though thorough great men's envy, most men's malice,
Their much-intemperate heat hath banish'd you,
Yet now they find[468] envy and malice ne'er 220
Produce faint reformation.
The duke, the too soft duke, lies as a block,
For which two tugging factions seem to saw;
But still the iron through the ribs they draw.

_Mal._ I tell thee, Celso, I have ever found
Thy breast most far from shifting cowardice
And fearful baseness: therefore I'll tell thee, Celso,
I find the wind begins to come about;
I'll shift my suit of fortune.
I know the Florentine, whose only force, 230
By marrying his proud daughter to this prince,
Both banish'd me, and made this weak lord duke,
Will now forsake them all; be sure he will:
I'll lie in ambush for conveniency,
Upon their severance to confirm myself.

_Celso._ Is Ferneze interr'd?

_Mal._ Of that at leisure: he lives.

_Celso._ But how stands Mendoza? how is't with him?

_Mal._ Faith, like a pair of snuffers, snibs[469] filth in other
men, and retains it in himself.[470] 240

_Celso._ He does fly from public notice, methinks, as a
hare does from hounds; the feet whereon he flies betray
him.

_Mal._ I can track him, Celso.
O, my disguise fools him most powerfully!
For that I seem a desperate malcontent,
He fain would clasp with me: he's the true slave
That will put on the most affected grace
For some vile second cause.

_Celso._ He's here.

_Mal._ Give place.

[_Exit_ CELSO.

_Enter_ MENDOZA.

Illo, ho, ho, ho! art there, old truepenny?[471] Where hast
thou spent thyself this morning? I see flattery in thine
eyes, and damnation in thy soul. Ha, ye[472] huge rascal!

_Men._ Thou art very merry. 253

_Mal._ As a scholar _futuens gratis_. How does[473] the
devil go with thee now?

_Men._ Malevole, thou art an arrant knave.

_Mal._ Who, I? I have been a sergeant, man.

_Men._ Thou art very poor.

_Mal._ As Job, an alchymist, or a poet.

_Men._ The duke hates thee. 260

_Mal._ As Irishmen[474] do bum-cracks.

_Men._ Thou hast lost his amity.

_Mal._ As pleasing as maids lose their virginity.

_Men._ Would thou wert of a lusty spirit! would thou
wert noble! 265

_Mal._ Why, sure my blood gives me I am noble, sure
I am of noble kind; for I find myself possessed with all
their qualities;--love dogs, dice, and drabs, scorn wit in
stuff-clothes; have beat my shoemaker, knocked my
semstress, cuckold my pothecary, and undone my tailor.
Noble! why not? since the stoic said, _Neminem servum
non ex regibus, neminem regem non ex servis esse oriundum_;[475]
only busy Fortune touses, and the provident Chances
blend them together. I'll give you a simile: did you e'er
see a well with two buckets, whilst one comes up full
to be emptied, another goes down empty to be filled?
such is the state of all humanity. Why, look you, I
may be the son of some duke; for, believe me, intemperate
lascivious bastardy makes nobility doubtful: I have
a lusty daring heart, Mendoza. 280

_Men._ Let's grasp; I do like thee infinitely: wilt enact
one thing for me?

_Mal._ Shall I get by it? [MEN. _gives him his purse_.]
Command me; I am thy slave, beyond death and hell.

_Men._ Murder the duke.

_Mal._ My heart's wish, my soul's desire, my fantasy's
dream, my blood's longing, the only height of my hopes!
How, O God, how! O, how my united spirits throng
together, to[476] strengthen my resolve!

_Men._ The duke is now a-hunting. 290

_Mal._ Excellent, admirable, as the devil would have it!
Lend me, lend me, rapier, pistol, cross-bow: so, so, I'll
do it.

_Men._ Then we agree.

_Mal._ As Lent and fishmongers. Come, a-cap-a-pe,
how? inform.

_Men._ Know that this weak-brain'd duke, who only stands
On Florence' stilts, hath out of witless zeal
Made me his heir, and secretly confirm'd
The wreath to me after his life's full point. 300

_Mal._ Upon what merit?

_Men._ Merit! by heaven, I horn him:
Only Ferneze's death gave me state's life.
Tut, we are politic, he must not live now.

_Mal._ No reason, marry: but how must he die now?

_Men._ My utmost project is to murder the duke, that
I might have his state, because he makes me his heir;
to banish the duchess, that I might be rid of a cunning
Lacedæmonian, because I know Florence will forsake
her; and then to marry Maria, the banished Duke
Altofront's wife, that her friends might strengthen me
and my faction: that is all, la. 311

_Mal._ Do you love Maria?

_Men._ Faith, no great affection, but as wise men do
love great women, to ennoble their blood and augment
their revenue. To accomplish this now, thus now. The
duke is in the forest next the sea: single him, kill him,
hurl him i' the main, and proclaim thou sawest wolves
eat him.

_Mal._ Um! not so good. Methinks when he is slain,
To get some hypocrite, some dangerous wretch 320
That's muffled o['e]r with feignèd holiness,
To swear he heard the duke on some steep cliff
Lament his wife's dishonour, and, in an agony
Of his heart's torture, hurl'd his groaning sides
Into the swollen sea,--this circumstance
Well made sounds probable: and hereupon
The duchess----

_Men._ May well be banish'd:
O unpeerable invention! rare!
Thou god of policy! it honeys me. 330

_Mal._ Then fear not for the wife of Altofront;
I'll close to her.

_Men._ Thou shalt, thou shalt. Our excellency is pleas'd:
Why wert not thou an emperor? when we
Are duke, I'll make thee some great man, sure.

_Mal._ Nay,
Make me some rich knave, and I'll make myself
Some great man.

_Men._ In thee be all my spirit:
Retain ten souls, unite thy virtual powers:
Resolve; ha, remember greatness! heart, farewell: 340
The fate of all my hopes in thee doth dwell.

[_Exit._

_Re-enter_ CELSO.

_Mal._ Celso, didst hear?--O heaven, didst hear
Such devilish mischief? suffer'st thou the world
Carouse damnation even with greedy swallow,
And still dost wink, still does thy vengeance slumber?
If now thy brows are clear, when will they thunder?

[_Exeunt._

[453] Streams.--A deer was said to _take soil_ when it took to
the water to escape the hunters.

[454] "In 1579 was published a book, entitled _Physic against
Fortune, as well prosperous as adverse, contained in two Books.
Written in Latin by Francis Petrarch, a most famous poet and
oratour, and now first Englished by Thomas Twyne._ 4to. B.
L."--_Reed._

[455] This seems to be a fictitious book, but some of the old
divines chose titles quite as quaint. One of Thomas Becon's works
is entitled _The Pomander of Prayer_.

[456] Ed. 1. "complaints."

[457] What follows, down to the entrance of Malevole (l. 156),
was added in ed. 2.

[458] It was a common superstition that this shell-fish turned
itself into a solan-goose. See _Nares' Glossary_.

[459] A horrid instrument of torture by which the legs were
crushed. In Milloeus' _Praxis Criminis Persequendi_, Paris, 1541,
fol., there is a blood-curdling representation of a victim
undergoing this torture. The instrument was never used in
England; but was frequently applied in France and Scotland to
extort confession from criminals.

[460] Old ed. "herlakeene."

[461] Concerning Welshmen's pride in their gentility, see
Middleton, iii. 23 (_note_).

[462] Fine crape.

[463] Old ed. "fowl."--The word _fowl_ seems to have been
pronounced _fool_ (Middleton, vi. 249). Perhaps the reading
"fowl" (after the mention of "woodcock") should be retained, as
some sort of joke may have been intended.

[464] Hymen was usually represented in masques with a saffron
robe.

[465] Old eds. "cloake" and "cloke."

[466] "So in Shakespeare's _Lucrece_:
'O _Opportunity_, thy guilt is great!
· · · · · · ·
Thou foul abettor! thou notorious _bawd_!'"--_Dyce._

So Heywood:--
"Win _Opportunity_,
She's the _best bawd_."--_Fair Maid of the West_, i. 1.

[467] Ed. 2. "O Ithacan."

[468] Some copies of ed. 1. "faind."

[469] Snubs, rebukes. Cf. Middleton's _Five Gallants_, ii.
3:--"Push! i'faith, sir, you're to blame; you have _snibbed_ the
poor fellow too much."

[470] Ed. 2. "itself."

[471] "_Hor._ [_within_] _Hillo, ho, ho_, my lord!
_Ham. Hillo, ho, ho_, boy! come, bird, come.
· · · · · · · · · · ·
· · · _art thou there, truepenny_?"--_Hamlet_, i. 5.

[472] Ed. 2. "thou."

[473] Ed. 2. "dooth."

[474] "This fantastical cohibition against the freedom of Nature
in this part, makes me reflect upon as inconvenient a restraint
(deserving but a collateral insertion) imposed upon the reverse
of this and the benefit we receive from the egestions of Port
Esquiline. For the Guineans are very careful [_ne pardant_], and
wondered much at the Netherlanders' rusticity and impudence....
_The Irish are much of the same opinion in this point of
unnatural restraint_, whereas the Romans, by an edict of Claudius
the Emperor, most consonant to the law of Nature, at all times
and in all places, upon a just necessity, freely challenged the
benefit of Nature."--Bulwer's _Artificial Changeling_, ed. 1650,
p. 220.

[475] Seneca, _Epist._ xliv.

[476] Old eds. "so."

SCENE II.

_A forest near the sea._

_Enter_ PIETRO, FERRARDO, PREPASSO, _and_ Three
Pages.

_Fer._ The dogs are at a fault.

[_Cornets like horns within._

_Pietro._ Would God nothing but the dogs were at it!
Let the deer pursue safety,[477] the dogs follow the game,
and do you follow the dogs: as for me, 'tis unfit one
beast should hunt another; I ha' one chaseth me: an't[478]
please you, I would be rid of ye a little.

_Fer._ Would your grief would, as[479] soon as we, leave
you to quietness!

_Pietro._ I thank you.

[_Exeunt_ FERRARDO _and_ PREPASSO.

Boy, what dost thou dream of now? 10

_First Page._ Of a dry summer, my lord; for here's a
hot world towards: but, my lord, I had a strange dream
last night.

_Pietro._ What strange dream?

_First Page._ Why, methought I pleased you with
singing, and then I dreamt that you gave me that short
sword.

_Pietro._ Prettily begged: hold thee, I'll prove thy
dream true; take't.

[_Giving sword._

_First Page._ My duty: but still I dreamt on, my lord;
and methought, an't[478] shall please your excellency, you
would needs out of your royal bounty give me that jewel
in your hat. 23

_Pietro._ O, thou didst but dream, boy; do not believe
it: dreams prove not always true; they may hold in a
short sword, but not in a jewel. But now, sir, you
dreamt you had pleased me with singing; make that
true, as I ha' made the other.

_First Page._ Faith, my lord, I did but dream, and
dreams, you say, prove not always true; they may hold
in a good sword, but not in a good song: the truth is, I
ha' lost my voice. 32

_Pietro._ Lost thy voice! how?

_First Page._ With dreaming, faith: but here's a couple
of sirenical rascals shall enchant ye: what shall they
sing, my good lord?

_Pietro._ Sing of the nature of women; and then the
song shall be surely full of variety, old crotchets, and
most sweet closes: it shall be humorous, grave, fantastic,
amorous, melancholy, sprightly, one in all, and all in
one. 41

_First Page._ All in one!

_Pietro._ By'r lady, too many. Sing: my speech grows
culpable of unthrifty idleness: sing. Ah, so, so, sing.

_Song by_ Second _and_ Third Pages.

I am heavy: walk off; I shall talk in my sleep: walk
off.

[_Exeunt_ Pages.

_Enter_ MALEVOLE, _with cross-bow and pistol_.

_Mal._ Brief, brief: who? the duke! good heaven, that fools
Should stumble upon greatness!--Do not sleep, duke;
Give ye good-morrow: I[480] must be brief, duke;
I am fee'd to murder thee: start not: Mendoza, 50
Mendoza hir'd me; here's his gold, his pistol,
Cross-bow, and[481] sword: 'tis all as firm as earth.
O fool, fool, chokèd with the common maze
Of easy idiots, credulity!
Make him thine heir! what, thy sworn murderer!

_Pietro._ O, can it be?

_Mal._ Can!

_Pietro._ Discover'd he not Ferneze?

_Mal._ Yes, but why? but why? for love to thee?
Much, much![482] to be reveng'd upon his rival,
Who had thrust his jaws awry;
Who being slain, suppos'd by thine own hands, 60
Defended by his sword, made thee most loathsome,
Him most gracious with thy loose princess:
Thou, closely yielding egress and regress to her,
Madest him heir; whose hot unquiet lust
Straight tous'd thy sheets, and now would seize thy state.
Politician! wise man! death! to be
Led to the stake like a bull by the horns;
To make even kindness cut a gentle throat!
Life, why art thou numb'd? thou foggy dulness, speak:
Lives not more faith in a home-thrusting tongue 70
Than in these fencing tip-tap courtiers?

_Enter_ CELSO, _with a hermit's gown and beard_.

_Pietro._[483] Lord Malevole, if this be true----

_Mal._ If! come, shade thee with this disguise. If!
thou shalt handle it; he shall thank thee for killing thyself.
Come, follow my directions, and thou shalt see
strange sleights.

_Pietro._ World, whither wilt thou?

_Mal._ Why, to the devil. Come, the morn grows late:
A steady quickness is the soul of state.

[_Exeunt._

[477] Old eds. "safely."

[478] Ed. 1. "and please you."

[479] Ed. 2. "as soone leaue you as we to quietnesse."

[480] For "I must" ed. 1. reads "must;" ed. 2. "you must."

[481] Omitted in ed. 1.

[482] Ironical exclamation.

[483] Old eds. "_Cel._"