Chapter XII: Act I: Scene I

_A street._

_Enter_ ALSEMERO.

ALS. ’Twas in the temple where I first beheld her,
And now again the same: what omen yet
Follows of that? none but imaginary;
Why should my hopes or fate be timorous?
The place is holy, so is my intent:
I love her beauties to the holy purpose;
And that, methinks, admits comparison
With man’s first creation, the place blessed,
And is his right home back, if he achieve it.
The church hath first begun our interview,
And that’s the place must join us into one;
So there’s beginning and perfection too.

_Enter_ JASPERINO.

JAS. O sir, are you here? come, the wind’s fair with
you;
You’re like to have a swift and pleasant passage.
ALS. Sure, you’re deceiv’d, friend; it is contrary,
In my best judgment.
JAS. What, for Malta?[387]
If you could buy a gale[388] amongst the witches,
They could not serve you such a lucky pennyworth
As comes a' God’s name.
ALS. Even now I observ’d
The temple’s vane to turn full in my face;
I know it is against me.
JAS. Against you?
Then you know not where you are.
ALS. Not well, indeed.
JAS. Are you not well, sir?
ALS. Yes, Jasperino,
Unless there be some hidden malady
Within me, that I understand not.
JAS. And that
I begin to doubt, sir: I never knew
Your inclination to travel[389] at a pause,
With any cause to hinder it, till now.
Ashore you were wont to call your servants up,
And help to trap your horses for the speed;
At sea I've seen you weigh the anchor with ’em,
Hoist sails for fear to lose the foremost breath,
Be in continual prayers for fair winds;
And have you chang’d your orisons?
ALS. No, friend;
I keep the same church, same devotion.
JAS. Lover I'm sure you’re none; the stoic was
Found in you long ago; your mother nor
Best friends, who have set snares of beauty, ay,
And choice ones too, could never trap you that way:
What might be the cause?
ALS. Lord, how violent
Thou art! I was but meditating of
Somewhat I heard within the temple.
JAS. Is this
Violence? ’tis but idleness compar’d
With your haste yesterday.
ALS. I'm all this while
A-going, man.
JAS. Backwards, I think, sir. Look, your servants.

_Enter Servants._

FIRST SER. The seamen call; shall we board your trunks?
ALS. No, not to-day.
JAS. ’Tis the critical day, it seems, and the sign in
Aquarius.
SEC. SER. We must not to sea to-day; this smoke will
bring forth fire.
ALS. Keep all on shore; I do not know the end,
Which needs I must do, of an affair in hand
Ere I can go to sea.
FIRST SER. Well, your pleasure.
SEC. SER. Let him e’en take his leisure too; we are
safer on land. [_Exeunt Servants._

_Enter_ BEATRICE, DIAPHANTA, _and Servants_:
ALSEMERO _accosts_ BEATRICE _and then kisses
her_.

JAS. How now? the laws of the Medes are changed sure;
salute a woman! he kisses too; wonderful! where learnt
he this? and does it perfectly too; in my conscience, he
ne’er rehearsed it before. Nay, go on; this will be
stranger and better news at Valencia than if he had
ransomed half Greece from the Turk. [_Aside._
BEAT. You are a scholar, sir?
ALS. A weak one, lady.
BEAT. Which of the sciences is this love you speak of?
ALS. From your tongue I take it to be music.
BEAT. You’re skilful in it, can sing at first sight.
ALS. And I have shew’d you all my skill at once;
I want more words to express me further,
And must be forc’d to repetition;
I love you dearly.
BEAT. Be better advis’d, sir:
Our eyes are sentinels unto our judgments,
And should give certain judgment what they see;
But they are rash sometimes, and tell us wonders
Of common things, which when our judgments find,
They can then check the eyes, and call them blind.
ALS. But I am further, lady; yesterday
Was mine eyes' employment, and hither now
They brought my judgment, where are both agreed:
Both houses then consenting, ’tis agreed;
Only there wants the confirmation
By the hand royal, that is your part, lady.
BEAT. There’s one[390] above me, sir.—O, for five days
past
To be recall’d! sure mine eyes were mistaken;
This was the man was meant me: that he should come
So near his time, and miss it! [_Aside._
JAS. We might have come by the carriers from Valencia, I
see, and saved all our sea-provision; we are at farthest
sure: methinks I should do something too;
I meant to be a venturer in this voyage:
Yonder’s another vessel, I'll board her;
If she be lawful prize, down goes her topsail.
[_Accosts_ DIAPHANTA.

_Enter_ DE FLORES.

DE F. Lady, your father——
BEAT. Is in health, I hope.
DE F. Your eye shall instantly instruct you, lady;
He’s coming hitherward.
BEAT. What needed then
Your duteous preface? I had rather
He had come unexpected; you must stale[391]
A good presence with unnecessary blabbing;
And how welcome for your part you are,
I'm sure you know.
DE F. Will’t never mend this scorn,
One side nor other? must I be enjoin’d
To follow still whilst she flies from me? well,
Fates, do your worst, I'll please myself with sight
Of her at all opportunities,
If but to spite her anger: I know she had
Rather see me dead than living; and yet
She knows no cause for’t but a peevish will. [_Aside._
ALS. You seem’d displeasèd, lady, on the sudden.
BEAT. Your pardon, sir, ’tis my infirmity;
Nor can I other reason render you,
Than his or hers, of[392] some particular thing
They must abandon as a deadly poison,
Which to a thousand other tastes were wholesome;
Such to mine eyes is that same fellow there,
The same that report speaks of the basilisk.
ALS. This is a frequent frailty in our nature;
There’s scarce a man amongst a thousand found
But hath his imperfection: one distastes
The scent of roses, which to infinites
Most pleasing is and odoriferous;
One oil, the enemy of poison;
Another wine, the cheerer of the heart
And lively refresher of the countenance:
Indeed this fault, if so it be, is general;
There’s scarce a thing but is both lov’d and loath’d:
Myself, I must confess, have the same frailty.
BEAT. And what may be your poison, sir? I'm bold with
you.
ALS. What[393] might be your desire, perhaps; a
cherry.
BEAT. I am no enemy to any creature
My memory has, but yon gentleman.
ALS. He does ill to tempt your sight, if he knew it.
BEAT. He cannot be ignorant of that, sir,
I have not spar’d to tell him so; and I want
To help myself, since he’s a gentleman
In good respect with my father, and follows him.
ALS. He’s out of his place then now.
[_They talk apart._
JAS. I am a mad wag, wench.
DIA. So methinks; but, for your comfort, I can tell you,
we have a doctor in the city that undertakes the cure of
such.
JAS. Tush, I know what physic is best for the state of
mine own body.
DIA. ’Tis scarce a well-governed state, I believe.
JAS. I could shew thee such a thing with an
ingredience[394] that we two would compound together,
and if it did not tame the maddest blood i' th' town for
two hours after, I'll ne’er profess physic again.
DIA. A little poppy, sir, were good to cause you sleep.
JAS. Poppy? I'll give thee a pop i' th' lips for that
first, and begin there: poppy is one simple indeed, and
cuckoo-what-you-call’t another: I'll discover no more
now; another time I'll shew thee all. [_Exit._
BEAT. My father, sir.

_Enter_ VERMANDERO _and Servants_.

VER. O Joanna, I came to meet thee;
Your devotion’s ended?
BEAT. For this time, sir.—
I shall change my saint, I fear me; I find
A giddy turning in me. [_Aside._]—Sir, this while
I am beholding[396] to this gentleman, who
Left his own way to keep me company,
And in discourse I find him much desirous
To see your castle;[397] he hath deserv’d it, sir,
If ye please to grant it.
VER. With all my heart, sir:
Yet there’s an article between, I must know
Your country; we use not to give survey
Of our chief strengths to strangers; our citadels
Are plac’d conspicuous to outward view,
On promonts'[398] tops, but within are secrets.
ALS. A Valencian, sir.
VER. A Valencian?
That’s native, sir: of what name, I beseech you?
ALS. Alsemero, sir.
VER. Alsemero? not the son
Of John de Alsemero?
ALS. The same, sir.
VER. My best love bids you welcome.
BEAT. He was wont
To call me so, and then he speaks a most
Unfeignèd truth.
VER. O sir, I knew your father;
We two were in acquaintance long ago,
Before our chins were worth iulan[399] down,
And so continu’d till the stamp of time
Had coin’d us into silver: well, he’s gone;
A good soldier went with him.
ALS. You went together in that, sir.
VER. No, by Saint Jaques, I came behind him;
Yet I've done somewhat too: an unhappy day
Swallowed him at last at Gibraltar,
In fight with those rebellious Hollanders;
Was it not so?
ALS. Whose death I had reveng’d,[400]
Or follow’d him in fate, had not the late league
Prevented me.
VER. Ay, ay, ’twas time to breathe.—
O, Joanna, I should ha' told thee news;
I saw Piracquo lately.
BEAT. That’s ill news. [_Aside._
VER. He’s hot preparing for this[401] day of triumph:
Thou must be a bride within this sevennight.
ALS. Ha! [_Aside._
BEAT. Nay, good sir, be not so violent; with speed
I cannot render satisfaction
Unto the dear companion of my soul,
Virginity, whom I thus long have liv’d with,
And part with it so rude and suddenly;
Can such friends divide, never to meet again,
Without a solemn farewell?
VER. Tush, tush! there’s a toy.[402]
ALS. I must now part, and never meet again
With any joy on earth. [_Aside._]—Sir, your pardon;
My affairs call on me.
VER. How, sir? by no means:
Not chang’d so soon, I hope? you must see my castle,
And her best entertainment, ere we part,
I shall think myself unkindly usèd else.
Come, come, let’s on; I had good hope your stay
Had been a while with us in Aligant;[403]
I might have bid you to my daughter’s wedding.
ALS. He means to feast me, and poisons me beforehand.—
[_Aside._
I should be dearly glad to be there, sir,
Did my occasions suit as I could wish.
BEAT. I shall be sorry if you be not there
When it is done, sir; but not so suddenly.
VER. I tell you, sir, the gentleman’s complete,
A courtier and a gallant, enrich’d
With many fair and noble ornaments;
I would not change him for a son-in-law
For any he in Spain, the proudest he,
And we have great ones, that you know.
ALS. He’s much
Bound to you, sir.
VER. He shall be bound to me
As fast as this tie can hold him; I'll want
My will else.
BEAT. I shall want mine, if you do it. [_Aside._
VER. But come, by the way I'll tell you more of him.
ALS. How shall I dare to venture in his castle,
When he discharges murderers[404] at the gate?
But I must on, for back I cannot go. [_Aside._
BEAT. Not this serpent gone yet?

[_Aside._ _Drops a glove._

VER. Look, girl, thy glove’s fallen.
Stay, stay; De Flores, help a little.
[_Exeunt._ VERMANDERO, ALSEMERO, _and Servants_.
DE F. Here, lady. [_Offers her the glove._
BEAT. Mischief on your officious forwardness!
Who bade you stoop? they touch my hand no more:
There! for the other’s sake I part with this;
[_Takes off and throws down the other glove._
Take ’em, and draw thine own skin off with ’em!
[_Exit with_ DIAPHANTA _and Servants_.
DE F. Here’s a favour come with a mischief now! I know
She had rather wear my pelt[405] tann’d in a pair
Of dancing pumps, than I should thrust my fingers
Into her sockets here: I know she hates me,
Yet cannot choose but love her: no matter:
If but to vex her, I will haunt her still;
Though I get nothing else, I'll have my will. [_Exit._

SCENE II.

_A room in the house of_ ALIBIUS.

_Enter_ ALIBIUS _and_ LOLLIO.

ALIB. Lollio, I must trust thee with a secret,
But thou must keep it.
LOL. I was ever close to a secret, sir.
ALIB. The diligence that I have found in thee,
The care and industry already past,
Assure[406] me of thy good continuance.
Lollio, I have a wife.
LOL. Fie, sir, ’tis too late to keep her secret; she’s
known to be married all the town and country over.
ALIB. Thou goest too fast, my Lollio; that knowledge
I allow no man can be barrèd it;
But there is a knowledge which is nearer,
Deeper, and sweeter, Lollio.

LOL. Well, sir, let us handle that between you and I.
ALIB. ’Tis that I go about, man: Lollio,
My wife is young.
LOL. So much the worse to be kept secret, sir.
ALIB. Why, now thou meet’st the substance of the
point;
I am old, Lollio.
LOL. No, sir, ’tis I am old Lollio.
ALIB. Yet why may not these[407] concord and
sympathise?
Old trees and young plants often grow together,
Well enough agreeing.
LOL. Ay, sir, but the old trees raise themselves higher
and broader than the young plants.
ALIB. Shrewd application![408] there’s the fear, man;
I would wear my ring on my own finger;
Whilst it is borrow’d, it is none of mine,
But his that useth it.
LOL. You must keep it on still then; if it but lie by,
one or other will be thrusting into ’t.
ALIB. Thou conceiv’st me, Lollio; here thy watchful
eye
Must have employment; I cannot always be
At home.
LOL. I dare swear you cannot.
ALIB. I must look out.
LOL. I know’t, you must look out, ’tis every man’s case.
ALIB. Here, I do say, must thy employment be;
To watch her treadings, and in my absence
Supply my place.

LOL. I'll do my best, sir; yet surely I cannot see who
you should have cause to be jealous of.
ALIB. Thy reason for that, Lollio; it is
A comfortable question.
LOL. We have but two sorts of people in the house, and
both under the whip, that’s fools and madmen; the one
has not wit enough to be knaves, and the other not
knavery enough to be fools.
ALIB. Ay, those are all my patients, Lollio;
I do profess the cure of either sort,
My trade, my living ’tis, I thrive by it;
But here’s the care that mixes with my thrift;
The daily visitants, that come to see
My brain-sick patients, I would not have
To see my wife: gallants I do observe
Of quick enticing eyes, rich in habits,
Of stature and proportion very comely:
Thee are most shrewd temptations, Lollio.
LOL. They may be easily answered, sir; if they come to
see the fools and madmen, you and I may serve the turn,
and let my mistress alone, she’s of neither sort.
ALIB. ’Tis a good ward;[409] indeed, come they to see
Our madmen or our fools, let ’em see no more
Than what they come for; by that consequent
They must not see her, I'm sure she’s no fool.
LOL. And I'm sure she’s no madman.
ALIB. Hold that buckler fast; Lollio, my trust
Is on thee, and I account it firm and strong.
What hour is’t, Lollio?
LOL. Towards belly-hour, sir.
ALIB. Dinner-time? thou mean’st twelve a’clock?
LOL. Yes, sir, for every part has his hour: we wake at
six and look about us, that’s eye-hour; at seven we
should pray, that’s knee-hour; at eight walk, that’s
leg-hour; at nine gather flowers and pluck a rose,[410]
that’s nose-hour; at ten we drink, that’s mouth-hour; at
eleven lay about us for victuals, that’s hand-hour; at
twelve go to dinner, that’s belly-hour.
ALIB. Profoundly, Lollio! it will be long
Ere all thy scholars learn this lesson, and
I did look to have a new one enter’d;—stay,
I think my expectation is come home.

_Enter_ PEDRO, _and_ ANTONIO _disguised as an idiot_.

PED. Save you, sir; my business speaks itself,
This sight takes off the labour of my tongue.
ALIB. Ay, ay, sir, it is plain enough, you mean
Him for my patient.
PED. And if your pains prove but commodious, to give but
some little strength to the[411] sick and weak part of
nature in him, these are [_gives him money_] but
patterns to shew you of the whole pieces that will
follow to you, beside the charge of diet, washing, and
other necessaries, fully defrayed.
ALIB. Believe it, sir, there shall no care be wanting.
LOL. Sir, an officer in this place may deserve
something, the trouble will pass through my hands.
PED. ’Tis fit something should come to your hands then,
sir. [_Gives him money._
LOL. Yes, sir, ’tis I must keep him sweet, and read to
him: what is his name?
PED. His name is Antonio; marry, we use but half to him,
only Tony.
LOL. Tony, Tony, ’tis enough, and a very good name for a
fool.—What’s your name, Tony?
ANT. He, he, he! well, I thank you, cousin; he, he, he!
LOL. Good boy! hold up your head.—He can laugh; I
perceive by that he is no beast.
PED. Well, sir,
If you can raise him but to any height,
Any degree of wit, might he attain,
As I might say, to creep but on all four
Towards the chair of wit, or walk on crutches,
'Twould add an honour to your worthy pains,
And a great family might pray for you,
To which he should be heir, had he discretion
To claim and guide his own: assure you, sir,
He is a gentleman.
LOL. Nay, there’s nobody doubted that; at first sight I
knew him for a gentleman, he looks no other yet.
PED. Let him have good attendance and sweet lodging.
LOL. As good as my mistress lies in, sir; and as you
allow us time and means, we can raise him to the higher
degree of discretion.
PED. Nay, there shall no cost want, sir.
LOL. He will hardly be stretched up to the wit of a
magnifico.
PED. O no, that’s not to be expected; far shorter will
be enough.
LOL. I'll warrant you [I'll] make him fit to bear office
in five weeks; I'll undertake to wind him up to the wit
of constable.
PED. If it be lower than that, it might serve turn.
LOL. No, fie; to level him with a headborough, beadle,
or watchman, were but little better than he is:
constable I'll able[412] him; if he do come to be a
justice afterwards, let him thank the keeper: or I'll go
further with you; say I do bring him up to my own pitch,
say I make him as wise as myself.
PED. Why, there I would have it.
LOL. Well, go to; either I'll be as arrant a fool as he,
or he shall be as wise as I, and then I think 'twill
serve his turn.
PED. Nay, I do like thy wit passing well.
LOL. Yes, you may; yet if I had not been a fool, I had
had more wit than I have too: remember what state[413]
you find me in.
PED. I will, and so leave you: your best cares, I
beseech you.
ALIB. Take you none with you, leave ’em all with us.
[_Exit_ PEDRO.
ANT. O, my cousin’s gone! cousin, cousin, O!
LOL. Peace, peace, Tony; you must not cry, child, you
must be whipped if you do; your cousin is here still; I
am your cousin, Tony.
ANT. He, he! then I'll not cry, if thou be’st my cousin;
he, he, he!
LOL. I were best try his wit a little, that I may know
what form to place him in.
ALIB. Ay, do, Lollio, do.
LOL. I must ask him easy questions at first.—Tony, how
many true[414] fingers has a tailor on his right hand?
ANT. As many as on his left, cousin.
LOL. Good: and how many on both?
ANT. Two less than a deuce, cousin.
LOL. Very well answered: I come to you again, cousin
Tony; how many fools go[415] to a wise man?
ANT. Forty in a day sometimes, cousin.
LOL. Forty in a day? how prove you that?
ANT. All that fall out amongst themselves, and go to a
lawyer to be made friends.
LOL. A parlous[416] fool! he must sit in the fourth form
at least, I perceive that.—I come again, Tony; how many
knaves make an honest man?
ANT. I know not that, cousin.
LOL. No, the question is too hard for you: I'll tell
you, cousin; there’s three knaves may make an honest
man, a sergeant, a jailor, and a beadle; the sergeant
catches him, the jailor holds him, and the beadle lashes
him; and if he be not honest then, the hangman must cure
him.
ANT. Ha, ha, ha! that’s fine sport, cousin.
ALIB. This was too deep a question for the fool, Lollio.
LOL. Yes, this might have served yourself, though I
say’t.—Once more, and you shall go play, Tony.
ANT. Ay, play at push-pin, cousin; ha, he!
LOL. So thou shalt: say how many fools are here——
ANT. Two, cousin; thou and I.
LOL. Nay, you’re too forward there, Tony: mark my
question; how many fools and knaves are here? a fool
before a knave, a fool behind a knave, between every two
fools a knave; how many fools, how many knaves?
ANT. I never learnt so far, cousin.
ALIB. Thou puttest too hard questions to him, Lollio.
LOL. I'll make him understand it easily.—Cousin, stand
there.
ANT. Ay, cousin.
LOL. Master, stand you next the fool.
ALIB. Well, Lollio.
LOL. Here’s my place: mark now, Tony, there'[s] a fool
before a knave.
ANT. That’s I, cousin.
LOL. Here’s a fool behind a knave, that’s I; and between
us two fools there is a knave, that’s my master; ’tis
but we three, that’s all.
ANT. We three, we three,[417] cousin.
FIRST MAD. [_within_] Put’s head i' th' pillory, the
bread’s too little.
SEC. MAD. [_within_] Fly, fly, and he catches the
swallow.
THIRD MAD. [_within_] Give her more onion, or the devil
put the rope about her crag.[418]
LOL. You may hear what time of day it is, the chimes of
Bedlam go.[419]
ALIB. Peace, peace, or the wire[420] comes!
THIRD MAD. [_within_] Cat whore, cat whore! her
parmasant, her parmasant![421]
ALIB. Peace, I say!—Their hour’s come, they must be fed,
Lollio.
LOL. There’s no hope of recovery of that Welsh madman;
was undone by a mouse that spoiled him a parmasant; lost
his wits for’t.
ALIB. Go to your charge, Lollio, I'll to mine.
LOL. Go you to your madmen’s ward, let me alone with
your fools.
ALIB. And remember my last charge, Lollio. [_Exit._
LOL. Of which your patients do you think I am?—Come,
Tony, you must amongst your schoolfellows now; there’s
pretty scholars amongst ’em, I can tell you; there’s
some of ’em at _stultus_, _stulta_, _stultum_.
ANT. I would see the madmen, cousin, if they would not
bite me.
LOL. No, they shall not bite thee, Tony.
ANT. They bite when they are at dinner, do they not,
coz?
LOL. They bite at dinner indeed, Tony. Well, I hope to
get credit by thee; I like thee the best of all the
scholars that ever I brought up, and thou shalt prove a
wise man, or I'll prove a fool myself. [_Exeunt._