Chapter I: Front Matter

UNCLE JOSH'S PUNKIN CENTRE STORIES

By Cal Stewart

Preface

To the Reader.

The one particular object in writing this book is to furnish you with an occasional laugh, and the writer with an occasional dollar. If you get the laugh you have your equivalent, and the writer has his.

In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a purely imaginary character, yet one true to life. A character chuck full of sunshine and rural simplicity. Take him as you find him, and in his experiences you will observe there is a bright side to everything.

Sincerely Yours

Cal Stewart

Contents PREFACE

LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR

MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC

ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK

UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY

UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY

UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM

UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET

UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT

UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM

UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS

UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE

UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK

UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR

MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS

UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT

UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND

UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA

UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S

IT IS FALL

SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS

UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF

JIM LAWSON'S HOGS

UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT

A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB

JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE

A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS

THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE

UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING

THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN

UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL

THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD

UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE

A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH

A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS

UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS

UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM

YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH

UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON

WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE

Life Sketch of Author

THE author was born in Virginia, on a little patch of land, so poor we had to fertilize it to make brick. Our family, while having cast their fortunes with the South, was not a family ruined by the war; we did not have anything when the war commenced, and so we held our own. I secured a common school education, and at the age of twelve I left home, or rather home left me--things just petered out. I was slush cook on an Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a stave and heading camp in the knobs of Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped lay the track of the M. K. & T. R. R., and was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made my first appearance on the stage at the National Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have since then chopped cord wood, worked in a coal mine, made cross ties (and walked them), worked on a farm, taught a district school (made love to the big girls), run a threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine and ran the engine. Have been a freight and passenger brakeman, fired and ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor and check clerk in a freight house; worked on the section; have been a shot gun messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company. Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions; have been with good shows, bad shows, medicine shows, and worse, and some shows where we had landlords singing in the chorus. Have played variety houses and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box car one night, and a swell hotel the next; have been a traveling salesman (could spin as many yarns as any of them). For the past four years have made the Uncle Josh stories for the talking machine. The Lord only knows what next!

My Old Yaller Almanac

Hangin' on the
Kitchen Wall

I'M sort of fond of readin' one
thing and another,

So I've read promiscus like
whatever cum my way,

And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween
me and mother,

'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round
a rainy day.

Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt
no end of books,

Some made fer useful readin' and some jist
made fer looks;

But of all the different books I've read,
thar's none comes up at all

To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.

I've always liked amusement, of the good
and wholesome kind,

It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the
mind;

So, often of an evening, when the farm
chores all were done,

I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh
how I liked the fun;

And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they
showed at our Town Hall,

A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all.

Wall I went down to see 'em, but their
jokes, I knowed 'em all,

Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.

Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and
a lot of us old codgers,

Used to meet down at the grocery store,
what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.

There we'd set and argufy most every market
day,

Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass
the time away;

And many a knotty problem has put us on
our mettle,

Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve
and settle;

Then after they had said their say, who
thought they knowed it all,

I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got

From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.

It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old
fashioned yeller book,

And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've
took;

Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through
its pages,

Seein' of the different things that's happened
in all ages.

One time I wuz elected a Justice of the
Peace,

To make out legal documents, a mortgage
or a lease,

Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I
knowed them all,

Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.

So now I've bin to New York, and all your
sights I've seen,

I s'pose that to you city folks I must look
most awful green,

Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I
walked round the town,

Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't
Mr. Hiram Brown.

I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung
onto the straps,

When we flew around the corners, sat on
other peoples' laps,

Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all,

Read about your city in My Old Yaller
Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.

Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York

WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up that I'd cum down to New York, and so a short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered in and produce sold I calculated as how it would be a good time to come down here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled 'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore they buncoed me. I spose as how there are a good many of them thar bunco fellers around New York, but I tell you them thar street keer conductors take mighty good care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of them keers, had my pockit book right in my hand, I alowed no feller would pick my pockits and git it long as I had it in my hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller he jest kept his eye on me, and every little bit he'd put his head in the door and say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here, and along in the night some time I felt a feller rummagin' around under my bed, and I looked out jest in time to see him goin' away with my boots, wall I knowed the way that train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with them without breakin' his durned neck, but in about half an hour he brot them back, guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort of glad he took em cause he hed em all shined up slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles commenced. I wuz so crouded up like, durned if I could git my clothes on, and when I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on hind side afore, and my socks got all tangled up in that little fish net along side of the bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right boot on my left foot and the left one on the right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed up I didn't know which way the train wuz a runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof of the bed over me, and then sot down right suddin like to think it over when some feller cum along and stepped right squar on my bunion and I let out a war whoop you could a heerd over in the next county. Wall, along cum that durned porter and told me I wuz a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause I sot a right smart store by that button, thar warns another one like it in Punkin Centre, and I thought it would be kind of doubtful if they'd have any like it in New York, wall I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to git it out with my jack knife, when along came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted, and I told him I didn't want anything perticler, then he told me to quit ringin' the bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on and went into a room whar they had a row of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could pump water in the durned thing it run out of a little hole in the bottom of the trough so I jest had to grab a handful and then pump some more. Wall after that things went along purty well fer a right smart while, then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin' slower and slower 'till it stopped at every house and when it cum to a double house it stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat and I put my head out of the window to look at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and I lost the durned old ticket, wall the conductor made me buy another one. I hed to buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled him, he don't know a durned thing about it and when he finds it out he's goin to be the maddest conductor on that railroad, I got a round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on his durned old road. When I got off the ferry boat down here I commenced to think I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what ever cum to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers down thar with buggies and kerridges and one thing and another, and jest the minnit they seen me they all commenced to holler--handsome--handsome. I didn't know I wuz so durned good lookin'. One feller tried to git my carpet bag and another tried to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to stand back or durned if I wouldn't take a wrestle out of one or two of them, then I asked one of 'em if he could haul me up to the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never heered a feller stutter like that feller did in all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said wall how much air you a goin' to charge me, and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't stop to talk about it any more cause I'd kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out and when we stopped we wuz away up at the other end of the town whar thar warn't many houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s-n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed, b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough. Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but I got here at last.

Uncle Josh in Society

WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here to New York that I wuz a goin to flop right into the middle of high toned society, but I guess that's jist about what I done. You see I had an old friend a livin' down here named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, we wuz boys together down home at Punkin Centre, and I hadn't seen him in a long time. Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in the city almanac, and he showed me whar Henry lived, away up on a street called avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's house it jist about took my breath away, I wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a good deal bigger'n the court house at Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered up my courage, and I went up and rang some new fangled door bell, when a feller with knee britches on cum out and wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see. Gosh I couldn't say anything fer about a minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins, if it wuz the same Henry I used to know down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess Henry he must a heered me talkin', cause he jist cum out and grabbed me by both hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how do you do, cum right in." Wall he took me into the house and introduced me to more wimmin folks than I ever seen before in all my life at one time. I guess they were havin' some kind of society doins at Henry's house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear Mr. Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak about you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to blushin' so it cum pretty near settin' my hair on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad to know you, you kind-er put me in mind of old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy, she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons that I kin remember on. Wall Henry took me off into a room by myself, and when I got on my store clothes and my new calf skin boots, I tell you I looked about as scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had a dance, I think they called it a cowtillion, and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I jist hopped out on the floor, balanced to partners, swung on the corners, and cut up more capers than any young feller thar, it jist looked as if all the ladies wanted to dance with me. One lady wanted to know if I danced the german, but I told her I only danced in English.

Wall after that we had something to eat in the dinin' room, and I hadn't any more'n got sot down and got to eatin right good, when that durn fool with the knee britches on insulted me, he handed me a little wash bowl with a towel round it, and I told him he needn't cast any insinuations at me, cause I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it hadn't a bin in Henry's house I'd took a wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef all over mud, and another what they called a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made out of cake and full of sweetened lather, wall that was mighty good eatin', though it took a lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then they handed me somethin' what they called ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I guess I cut a caper at Henry's house.

Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry