Chapter I: USED to read in our town paper down home at Punkin Centre a whole lot

about Wall street and them bulls and bears, and one thing and another, so I jist sed to myself--now Joshua, when you git down to New York City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall, when I got to New York, I got a feller to show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned if I know why they call it Wall street; it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked up and down it bout an hour and a half, and I couldn't find any stock exchange or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep nor a calf, or anything else that looked like stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--Mister, whar do they keep the menagery down here. He sed "what menagery?" I sed the place whar they've got all them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked at me as though he thought I wuz crazy, and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum along with me, guess I can show you what you want to see." Wall I went along with him, and he took me up to some public institushun, near as I could make out it wuz a loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a room about two akers and a half squar, and thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin' on the top of a table with a lot of papers in his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to git at him. Finally I sed to one of 'em--Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that feller up thar on the table? And he sed, "Wall he's got five thousand bushels of wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos nobody but a crazy man would ever think he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his coat and pants pockits. Wall when they wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a feller standin' on the front steps; he had a sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent of the institushun; he talked purty sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust one went about twenty-five years ago." I sed to him--is that my car over thar? He sed "no sir, that car belongs to the street car company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow. He says "you'd better not, thar's bin a good many cars missed around here lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is thar anything round here any fresher than you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right.

Uncle Josh and the Fire Department

ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter home. Wall after I'd got it all writ, I sed to the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts in New York do you keep the post offis? And he sed, "what do you want with the post offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home to mother and Samantha Ann, and I'd like to go to the post offis and mail it. And he told me "you don't have to go to the post offis, do you see that little box on the post thar on the corner?" I alowed as how I did. Wall he says, "You jist go out thar and put your letter in that box, and it will go right to the post offis." I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy. Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal of trouble in gittin' the box open, and when I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks and hinges, and a lot of readin,' it sed--"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob," or somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly make it out. Wall I yanked on that hook 'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I couldn't git the durned thing open, then I turned on the knob two or three times, and that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the hook and turned on the knob at the same time, and jist then I think all the fire bells in New York commenced to ringin' all to onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to whar I stood, and they had a big sody water bottle on wheels, and it busted and squirted sody water all over me. Wall one of them fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers, he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he sed "what are you tryin' to do with that box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed "why you durned old green horn, you've called out the hull fire department of New York City." Wall I guess you could have knocked me down with a feather. I sed--wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over on thother corner, now you let this box alone." Wall they all drove away, and I went over to the other box, but I didn't know whether to touch it or not, I didn't know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a standin' thar a feller cum along and looked all round, and when he thot thar wan't any body watchin' him, he opened that box and commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis robbers, when I wuz post master down home at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and flopped him right down on the side walk, and sot on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES! and every other thing I could think of, and a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him I'd caught him right in the act of robbin' the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I arrested him. Wall they all commenced a laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of the post masters of New York City.

I lost mother's letter and she never did git it.

Uncle Josh in an Auction Room

I'D seen a good many funny things in New York at one time and another, so the last day I wuz thar, I wuz a packin' up my traps, a gittin' ready to go home, when I jist conclooded I'd go out and buy somethin' to remember New York by.

Wall I wuz a walkin' along down the street when I cum to a place whar they wuz auckshuneerin' off a lot of things. I stopped to see what they had to sell. Wall that place wuz jist chuck full of old-fashioned cooriositys. I saw an old book thar, they sed it wuz five hundred years old, and it belonged at one time to Loois the Seventeenth or Eighteenth, or some of them old rascals; durned if I believe anybody could read it.

Wall I commenced a biddin' on different things, but it jist looked as though everybody had more money than I did, and they sort of out-bid me; but finally they put up an old-fashioned shugar bowl fer sale, and I wanted to git that mighty bad, cos I thought as how mother would like it fust rate. Wall I commenced a biddin' on it, and it wuz knocked down to me fer three dollars and fifty cents I put my hand in my pockit to git my pockit book to pay fer it, and by gosh it was gone. So I went up to the feller what wuz a sellin' the things, and I sed--now look here mister, will you jist wait a minnit with your "goin' at thirty make it thirty-five, once, twice, three times a goin'", and he sed "wall now what's the matter with you?" And I sed, there's matter enuff, by gosh; when I cum in here I had a pockit book in my pockit, had fifty dollars in it, and I lost it somewhars round here; I wish you'd say to the feller what found it that I'll give five dollars fer it; another feller sed "make it ten," another sed "give you twenty," and another sed "go you twenty-five."

Durned if I know which one of 'em got it; when I left they wuz still a biddin' on it.

Advice--Advice is somethin' the other feller can't use, so
he gives it to you.--Punkin Centre Philosophy.

Uncle Josh on a Fifth Ave. 'Bus