Chapter XX: Act II: , Scene 1

_Enter two_ BOYS.

1ST BOY. Room, room for the ladies of the new dress.

2D BOY. Thou styles them rightly, Tim; for they have played the snakes, and put off their old slough. New brooms sweep clean. Frosty age and youth suit not well together. These _bona-robas_ must sate their appetites with fresh cates, or their sharp attractive stomachs will be quickly cloyed.

1ST BOY. True, Nick; hadst thou known their nightly quartering as well as I have done, thou wouldst hold them rare coy-ducks for retrieving new game, and storing their lobbies upon all adventures.

2D BOY. Why, Tim, art thou one of that covey?

1ST BOY. Let it suffice thee, wag, I know all their fagaries[111] to a hair. I have not played such a truant in my place as to become their pee-dee[112] during all the time of their restraint, and not to attain the principles of a puisne bolt: a faithful secret pimp deserves his constant pay.

2D BOY. But, in good sadness, resolve me: were these dainty Dabrides ever in restraint?

1ST BOY. As close cooped up, believe it, as any parachitoes ever were. Only they assumed to their pretended aggrievances to exclaim against their hard fortunes in being matched with such impotent and defective husbands; and now they have, by long flickering and strong favourites, got out o' th' cage, and wrought themselves into alimony.

2D BOY. Uds! so will their dainty fingers tug in alum-work?

1ST BOY. What an ignorant puppy thou art! This is no alum-work, but such a calcinated metal as it will run like quicksilver over all their husbands' domains, and in very short time make a quick despatch of all his Long-acre.

2D BOY. Trust me, Tim, these be mad-mettled girls, brave braches to breed on!

1ST BOY. What a wanton monkey is this? He's but newly bred, and he can talk of wenches breeding! Well, thou wilt grow a cock of th' game if thy pen-feathered youth mount to't. But silence, wag; the she-myrmidons are entering the stage, and I am pricked out for the chorus.

SCENE II.

_Enter six Ladies fantastically habited, in a wanton and
pleasant posture: passing over the stage, they are
encountered by six amorous complimental Servants, every
one singling forth his mistress for discourse._

2D BOY. What humorous tomboys be these?

1ST BOY. The only gallant Messalinas of our age. That love-spotted ermine is Madam Fricase, a woman of a rampant spirit; a confident pretender to language; and, for the Latin, she makes herself as familiar with the breach of Priscian's head as if it were her husband's.

2D BOY. Who is she, that looks like a mounted scaledrake?[113]

1ST BOY. That spitfire is Madam Caveare: one whose assiduate trading brought age upon her before her time. But art has taught her to supply furrowed deformities with ceruse boxes, and to repair a decayed complexion with an Italian fucus. This, with other fomentations, have so enlivened her, as they render her no less active than if she at last grass had but casten her colt's-tooth. The next in rank is that mincing madam Julippe, who would not bear a child for a world (though her endeavours be pregnant enough), for fear she should disfeature the comeliness of her body.

2D BOY. Yet she's a medlar.[114]

1ST BOY. A mellow one, and as ready to fall in autumn upon all occasions.

2D BOY. What may that gaudy gewgaw lady be, that throws such scornful looks upon our galleries?

1ST BOY. That's a brave martial Milanoise: Semiramis never had a more imperious spirit. She styles herself Madam Joculette; a jocund girl, on my word, and one that will not engage her honour, nor barter in a low commodity, for nothing. She was a tirewoman at first in the suburbs of Milan; but falling into an ebb of fortune, and hearing the quaint and various fancies of our country damosellas, she took upon her this adventure to improve her annual pension; which she has by the dexterity of her wit and incomparable curiosity of art highly enlarged, and by this unexpected means--for it happened, to give an addition to her future happiness, that one Sir Gregory Shapeless, a mundungo[115] monopolist, a paltry-penurious-pecking pinchgut, who had smoked himself into a mercenary title of knightship, set his affection upon her soon after her arrival here; whom thou may imagine, Nick, to be no sooner wooed than won. But scarcely were their marriage-sheets warm, till her dissembled fancy, having no other bait but lucre to feed it, grew cold, and the mundungo-knight became pitifully crest-fallen--more in love with the world than his Italian doxy. A divorce she sues, and so happily pursues, as by the solicitancy of her private ingles she became whole sharer in his trucking fortunes; since which time she pastures freely upon the common without fear of enclosure.

2D BOY. Why should she not? A barren ranging doe, having once leapt over her own pale, may encroach, though not with security, upon any other's liberty.

1ST BOY. That next her in rank, and as right as my leg in her career, is Madam Medler, a cunning civil trader, who with much simpering secrecy, as one that would seem sparing in discovery of her husband's debility, calls him[116] Sir Tristram Shorttool, a good, well-meaning man, and one that might content any woman under the equinoctial line, if Nature had measured her[117] right. Whereas his sufficiency has been elsewhere tried, which his many branches, sprung from other stocks, may sufficiently witness, being scions[118] of his own inoculating, and at his own proper charge for breeding. As for that lady with the inflamed face, Madam Tinder, her desires are so strong and enlarged, as that torrid zone, where she sometimes planted, could not accommodate her supplies. And let this serve thee, Nick, for a short character of these alimonial ladies.

2D BOY. Those Platonic servants of theirs are upon a strong debate with their amorous mistresses.

1ST BOY. But note, my precious wag, how infinitely they seem tickled with the accounts, which those ladies return them of their court proceedings.

[_They retire, and listen._

SCENE III.

FLO. You overglad me, Madam Fricase, With your select discourse, closing so fairly With our expected wishes.

CAR. No conceit Struck more on fancy than the tale you told me; 'Tis so attractive, Madam Caveare. It acts delight without a passive object, And forms an embryo in the phantasy By love's mysterious spell. May Ida's court Ne'er see Caranto exercise his revels, If he neglect those ceremonial rites Which love and duty have oblig'd him to. May all the orbs make music in their motion, And smile on our enjoyment!

PAL. Fair Julippe, Your choice has crown'd me; nor shall track of time Raze out that imprese which[119] your free assent Has here engraven. Palisado's zeal Shall merit your affection, if endeavours May mount to such a pitch as they may cheer My hopes in retribution. Secrecy, Or what may most suit with a lady's honour, Shall in this breast keep constant sentry.[120]

SAL. If Salibrand fall short, may he be forc'd To sue his own divorce. Dear Joculette, May your estrangement from a loathed bed Complete your choice with a delightful change.

MOR. Balls, treats, rear-banquets, theatral receipts To solace tedious hours, shall entertain My mellow Medlar; and when evening pleasure Shall with enlivening vigour summon more Duly-reserved offices, which Love In her arrival, her desir'd repose, Shall pay his loyal tribute, only due To crowns and nuptial rites: or as pure times Make these divisions legal, to supply Defects by abler farmers, which defray'd, Proves man to be himself. I'll vow no more: Only give leave to your devoted servant, Whose purest victim is a constant heart, To make this tender good. Before I fail In acting your content, may youthful heat Disclaim its interest in me, and this spirit, Active and sprightly, lose his native strength-- Nay, thaw itself to atoms, and resolve To ophic powder, juice of cucumber, Or what may show most chilness in the blood.

TIL. Like brave Platonic, you profess much love, Which, you enamel with gilt promises; But my affection's conscious of no guilt,[121] Nor a rhetoric tincture. Some can speak, And call the heavens to record, when their fancy, Mere planet-struck, has fix'd their influence On various objects: this deludes poor wenches, And makes them melt like ceruse! Heav'ns forgive them! I'm none of that light leaven; nor, Florello, Caranto, Palisado, Salibrand, Nor you, Morisco. Moments of delight May prompt unmanag'd youths to damn'd protests And vows which they intend not: whereas, madams, Your choice has made you happy in your change. This shall my dear affianc'd Tinder find In her embraces; and in those conclude Stol'n waters be the sweetest.

ALL. Excellent; Thou shalt be styl'd th' Platonic Pythias.

FRI. Our faith is not confirm'd by oratory. If man, he cannot falsify his trust In offices of love; we leave our own For your enjoyment; were there piety In making love the anvil of your treason? No, no; we shall not entertain a thought, That may suggest suspicion, nor retain In our late-widow'd breasts a crime so foul As jealousy. Let our cornutos harbour That marrow-eating fury. Dear Florello, Hold my exchanged love complete in thee!

CAV. Hold same opinion of thy Caveare, My best Caranto.

JUL. Treasure like esteem In thy Julippe's choice, brave Palisado.

JOC. In Joculette, active Salibrand.

MED. Thy sprightliest revels, may they be reserv'd For thy endearèd Medlar, my Morisco.

TIN. So may thy hopes be crownèd in thy Tinder, My valiant Tilly; and rest thus resolv'd: That th' tender tinder of my tried affection Shall ne'er obscure its lustre, if neglect Extinguish not that heat.

TIL. May th' frigid zone Sooner contract my sinews!

MOR. And love's grove Become an hermit's cell!

SAL. And our revels A sullen stoic dream.

PAL. And this exchange A period to our joys.

CAR. And our protests Affrighting shadows.

FLO. Or (what's worst of all) May those contents, which you expect from us, Discover our defects, and make you wish Your nuptial beds untouch'd.

ALL. May all these fall, And crush us with their grandeur.

LADIES. Be it so, And if our levity disvalue vows, Or what may most oblige us: may like censure Impeach our perish'd honours.

[_They retire._

1ST BOY. So: the match Is clapp'd already up. They need no witness.

2D BOY. Trust me, they couple handsomely, as if they had been married after th' new fashion.

1ST BOY. These need no dispensation. Fancy can act it without more ado. A mad match soon shuffled up!

2D BOY. But what shuffling would there be, if any of these wanton gossips should cry out before their time?

1ST BOY. That cry, my dainty wag, would be soon stifled. There be many ways, as I have heard my old grannam say (who had been in her youth a Paracelsian doctor's leman), to impregnate a birth, and, by secret applications o' possems[122] and cordials, not only to facilitate, but expedite, their production.

2D BOY. And what of all this?

1ST BOY. Why then, Tim, the only safe way for these gamesome macquerellas[123] is to antedate their conception before their separation. This has been an approved receipt; and, upon a long consult, found so, and returned authentic. Joy or grief produce wondrous effects in humorous[124] ladies.

2D BOY. Thou art a cunning, sifting ningle for all rogueries.

SCENE IV.

_Enter again the Ladies with their Platonic Confidants._

1ST BOY. What! so soon returned? upon my life, there's some amorous design on foot, either in displaying of the weakness of those rams'-heads whom they have deserted, or some pasquil of light mirth to ingratiate their late-entertained servants.

2D BOY. No drollery, for love sake: "Facetious fancies are the least profane."

1ST BOY. That's a precious strain of modesty, Nick: make much on't: let's fasten our attentions. They are moving.

[BOYS _retire again_.

FLO. Dear Madam Fricase, present those scenes, Those love-attractive scenes, your noble self With these long-injur'd ladies tend'red To your prudential senate.

FRI. Sure, Florello, You much mistake them; can you call them scenes Which just complaints exhibit? True, they might,-- They might have prov'd to us, and to our honours That lay at stake, and by spectators thought Highly engag'd, nay, desperately expos'd To a judicial sentence--a decree Of fatal consequence.

CAR. But pregnant wits, Stor'd with maturest judgment, polite tongues, Calm'd an approaching storm.

PAL. Nay, made you gracious Before those rigid consuls.

SAL. For my part, I never knew a good face spoil a cause, Though th' bench were ne'er so gravely ancient: Nor ripe in years.

MOR. Beauty's a taking bait, Which each fish nibbles at: this Appius felt, A reverend sage, whom furrowed brow, loose lip, Strait line of life, a rough distemper'd cough, Aged catarrhs, a shiver'd shell turn'd earth, Where nought appear'd that might partake of man, Save a weak breathing motion: yet could he Send forth light wand'ring eyes, and court Virginia With a dull admiration: so the bard Describes his daring-doting appetite, Which he pursu'd, yet thought none durst discover: "Appius had silent tongue, but speaking eyes; Yet who says Appius loves Virginia, lies."

TIL. Not I, I vow; let age attire itself, And in that garish habit fool his soul With fruitless wishes. What's all this to me? Pygmalion may with his incessant vows, Sweet'ned with fancy's incense, seek t'enliven Motionless marble; but such statues render Icy content. Imagination may Make th' image seem a Leda, yet the swan Retains her feature and her nature too. Let's leave these apprehensions; they suit better With shady than essential favourites. Good madams, second our desires; let's hear, How you were dealt withal.

FLO. Our instancy Begs so much favour.

CAR. It will cheer our spirits In the relation of your fair proceedings.

MOR. Where th' issue crown'd your suit with that success, No fates seem'd more propitious.

PAL. We must leave't; You know what longing means.

SAL. Come, who begins?

LADIES. Stay, gallants, wing not your too speedy course With such Pegasian quickness; our consent Should go along: our interests are concern'd To perfect your desires.

FLO. And we presume Your acquiescence will accomplish it. Our mutual loves close in that harmony That, though the airs of music still admit Their closure in divisions, our joint strings, So sweetly tun'd, may run their diapason Without a discord.

FRI. By which sense we gather, That we must prove your fiddlers?

FLO. You mistake me. We hold you instruments; your fancies, strings, To actuate our motion with that fulness Arion ne'er attain'd to.

LADIES. We must yield, Or they will storm us.

FRI. Yet let our conditions Bring them within our lists. Well, our surprise Must make you parties i' th' discovery.

ALL. For love's sake, how?

FRI. As thus: we stand at bar T' express our grievances: and you must set Grave censors or examinates to discuss The weight of our complaints.

ALL. Content; we'll do't.

LADIES. But do't exactly, or you spoil the plot.

CAR. 'Slid, doubt not, ladies, we have wit enough To frame intergotaries, so you make answer, And with your quickness do not puzzle us.

ALL. Advance, advance; let's mount, and play the consuls.

[_The Confidants ascend the higher seats, erected after the
form of the Roman exedras, the Ladies, with petitions in
their hands, standing at the bar._

1ST BOY. How will these dainty dottrels act their parts?

2D BOY. Rarely, no doubt; their audience makes them confident.

SCENE V.

FLO. Now, fair ladies, what wind has blown you hither?

FRI. The storm of our insufferable wrongs Call unto you for justice.

CAR. And your beauties Enjoin our just assistance. Show your griefs.

1ST BOY. This is a caranto-man, with all my heart! must Beauty be his landskip on the seat of justice?

[_Aside._

2D BOY. Pray thee, give them line.

[_Aside._

FRI. Should I discover my misfortunes, consuls, They would enforce compassion, even in strangers, Who know not my extraction. My descent, Besides the fortunes I deriv'd from them Who gave me being, breeding, with whate'er Might complete youth, or give embellishment To Nature's curious workmanship, was known To shine more graceful in the eye of fame Than to remain obscure: yet see my fate-- My sad occurring fate!

FLO. Express it, madam.

FRI. I married, reverend consul, and in that Lost both my freedom, fortune, and myself. My former single sweet condition Clothes that remembrance in a sable weed, Resolves mine eyes to Niobe's, whose tears Might drop to marble, and erect an urn T' inhume my funeral spousals.

[_She feigns to weep, in resentment of her former estate._

CAR. Alas! poor lady.

1ST BOY. Pitiful senator, if he have not drunk some coffee to keep him waking, he will questionless fall asleep, or melt into tears, before he delivers his sentence.

[_Aside._

PAL. Whence sprung this spring of infelicity? Resolve us, madam.

FRI. From mine helpless match; A tender stripling, whose unmanly chin Had ne'er known razor, nor discover'd A youthful down: yet his minority Was by o'erpow'ring friends accounted fit To match with my maturer growth; but time Display'd their folly who enjoined me to't. And (my misfortune most) light was his brain, But weaker far his strength to satisfy Those lawful nuptial heats which breathe[125] in us An active fire. Now I appeal to you, Judicious consuls.

2D BOY. Hold there, madam, under favour; these brave senators you appeal to are more for execution than judgment.

[_Aside._

FRI. Could the patience Of Grisel, were she living, reap content In such enjoyments? Could she suffer youth, Quicken'd with blooming fancy, to expire, And quench her heat with such an useless snuff?

FLO. A match insufferable!

CAR. Opposing nature!

PAL. Nay, what in time would quite depopulate, And make the world a desert.

SAL. Higher wrongs Cannot inflicted be on womankind.

TIL. Nor aspersing more dishonour on that sex, That most endearèd sex, to which we owe Ourselves and fortunes; for should their choice beauties Suffer a pillage by desertless hands, Forc'd to a loathed bed, and made a prey To seared age, or to unripen'd youth: How soon might these unparallel'd deities, By fixing their affections on strange faces And their more graceful posture, which they valued Above their churlish consorts, become strangers To their due spousal rites? How soon engage Their honour to th' embraces of a servant Of brave deportment, sprightly eyes, neat limbs: A virile presence and a countenance 'Twixt Ajax and Adonis; neither fierce Nor too effeminate, but mix'd 'twixt both: Neither too light to scorn, nor stern to loathe. 'Twas this brought Troy to ruin; for had Helen Espous'd where she had lov'd, poor Menelaus Had ne'er been branch'd, nor Troy reduc'd to flames; Nor Priam and his Hecuba [been] the grounds Of sad succeeding stories.

1ST BOY. A gallant consult, trust me; he has got by heart the ballad of "The Destruction of Troy" to a syllable.

[_Aside._

FLO. Honour'd colleague, You show yourself both learn'd and eloquent. Madam, be pleased to solace discontent With a retir'd repose. We have discuss'd And balanced the grandeur of your wrongs In a judicious scale, and shall apply Proper receipts to your aggrievances, When we have heard the rest.

1ST BOY. Receipts of their own application, I warrant thee.

[_Aside._

CAR. Madam Caveare, You here appear as a complainant too?

CAV. And none more justly: ne'er was woman match'd To such a stupid, sottish animal: One that's compos'd of nonsense, and so weak In masculine abilities, he ne'er read The "Wife of Bath's Tale," nor what thing might please A woman best; my curtain-lectures have No influence on him. I must confess He's simply honest; but what's that to me? He apprehends not what concerns a woman: Nor what may suit her quality in state And fit dimension.

CAR. A most unfitting husband!

CAV. It was my parents' caution, I remember; But 'twas my sad fate not t' observe[126] that lesson-- Never to fix my fancy on a person Who had no sage in's pate, lest progeny of fools Should make my race unhappy: this has made My thoughts mere strangers to his weak embraces; Nor shall I e'er affect him.

FLO. Madam, no law Would in the Spartan state enjoin a lady So nobly accomplished to confine Her fancy to such fury.

PAL. This objection Admits no long debate.

SAL. Her rich deserts, Adorn'd with such choice native faculties, And grac'd with art to make them more complete, In humane reason should exempt her youth From such a servile yoke.

MOR. In ancient times, When wisdom guarded senates, a decree, Confirmed by public vote, enacted was, That none should marry till he had observ'd Domestic discipline; and first to bear With a composed garb th' indignities Of a Xantippe, if his fortune were To cope with such a fury: and to calm Her passion with his patience. Now, grave colleagues, What comfort might this injur'd lady drain, In these punctilios which import her state, From this insensate sot?

TIL. Exchange his bed, And sue his patent for the _Fatuano_; And, to display him to his visitants In clearer colours, let this motto be Engraven on those walls, deep-ach'd with time, "Defective in his head-piece, here he lies, Object of scorn to all surveying eyes."

2D BOY. So, poor scatterbrain, he has got his judgment already.

[_Aside._

CAR. Praxiteles could ne'er portray him better, Nor lodge his sconce more fitly. You may, madam, Conceive how sensibly we feel your wounds, And with what promptness we shall expedite Your long-expected cure.

PAL. Madam Julippe, You come next in rank; declare your griefs, And if our judgments hold them meriting Our just relief, we have compassionate hearts And powerful hands to vindicate your wrongs To th' utmost scruple.

JUL. If they weigh not heavy, Let me incur your censure. Patriots-- For I appeal to your judicious bosoms, Where serious justice has a residence Mix'd with a pious pity--I shall unravel The clue of my misfortunes in small threads, Thin-spun as is the subtle gossamer.[127] Deep wounds, like griefs, require contracted lines; Few words, long sighs: accents that want express. First give me leave one beamling to bestow On my obscur'd, once glorious, family.

ALL. Madam, proceed; Fame made it eminent.

JUL. But now contemptive--by marrying one Who bears the shape of man, and that is all: A base, white-liver'd coward, whose regard To his lost honour stamps him with that brand, That hateful stigma, which humanity Scorns as the basest complice.

PAL. Style it, madam.

JUL. Pusillanimity. That ranter breathes not, Who with his peek'd mouchatoes[128] may not brave him, Baffle, nay baste him out of his possessions. His fortunes he esteems not, so his person May be secur'd from beating.

ALL. Matchless coward!

JUL. Nor is this all. 'Has sought t' engage my bed, My nuptial bed and honour--nay, those sheets Where, I may safely vow, ne'er man lay in, Beside my husband.

2D BOY. Very like; but how many when he was not there?

[_Aside._

FLO. No misfortune worse, Nor humour hateful to a virile spirit, Whereof your noble family partakes, Than want of courage.

PAL. Tush, sir, that's not all. Her line, in time, might grow degenerate, And blanch the living memory of those From whence she came.

CAV. There's none who here appears Before you, conscript consuls, but can give Store of evincing instances of this: For matching with Sir Jasper Simpleton, An hairbrain'd puppy, most of all my brood Run like shell-headed lapwings in careers, Just as their own supposed father did, Simple Sir Jasper, whose small dose of sense Proportion'd their discretion--till a change Impregnated me more wisely.

FRI. So did I Suffer in my raw, puny Amadin; Though all my fears summ'd up their period, And in it crown'd my wishes for one boy (Who, while he lives, I think, will prove a boy), I had by my young stripling, who can trace His father's steps directly: all his games, Wherein his lineal youth takes sole delight Are yert-point, nine-pins, job-nut, or span-counter, Or riding cock-horse, which his dad admires, Smiling to see such horsemanship perform'd. Now I appeal to you, whose judgments are Maturely serious, if these tomboy tricks Might not perplex me, and enforce me too, To act what my affections prompt me do?

JOC. If one complain of the minority Of her thin-downy consort, and you, madam, Of his simplicity whom you have choos'd, And you, Julippe, of his cowardice Whom with averseness you have made your spouse, What grounds of discontent may I conceive, Unhappy Joculette, in my choice-- My nightly torture, whose embraces be Worse than those snaky windings unto me, Dipt in Medusa's charms.

CAR. Unbare your wound.

2D BOY. Nay, let that be the least of your fears; she'll do that to a hair.

[_Aside._

JOC. Know, then, judicious consuls, These arms are forc'd t' enwreathe a shapeless mass Of all deformity, a bear unlick'd: One whom Thersites, that disfigur'd Greek, So far excell'd in native lineaments, Proportion, feature, and complexion (All rare attractives to the eye of love), As amorous Narcissus in his prime Surpass'd the roughest sylvan that the woods E'er nurs'd or harbour'd. Yet enjoin'd am I To hug this centaur, who appears to me A prodigy in Nature.

ALL. 'Tis a fate Exacts compassion, and deserves redress.

FLO. Such a complete and exquisite beauty Accomplish'd in all parts!

CAR. Nay, qualifi'd With rarity of arts to make her sex With pious emulation to admire Her choice perfections----

PAL. And all these obscur'd, Soil'd, sullied, perish'd by th' immeriting touch Of a misshapen boor!

SAL. Such precious gems, Set in ignoble metals, cannot choose But much detract from th' native graceful lustre, Which they retain'd, by means of that base ore Impales their orient splendour.

MOR. This is nothing To th' injury her lineage may receive From his deformity.

TIL. I must confess That threat'neth much of danger: yet I read not That Vulcan's poult foot or his smutted look Black'ned with Lemnian sea-coal, brought the issue Begot by Venus, if he any got, To change their amorous physnomy.

MOR. He may thank Mars for that active courtesy, or it had Disfigur'd much his spurious progeny.

FLO. Well, madam, we compassionate your choice In your Sir Gregory Shapeless, and shall find A quick receipt to cure your discontent With a new-moulded and more pleasing feature Than your sad fate enjoys. Repose, till we Have run through all your griefs, and felt your pulses.

2D BOY. For shame's sake, no further, my dainty doctors.

[_Aside._

FLO. With th' symptoms or gradations as they stream In your desertless sufferings; paroxysms, Or what extremes may most surprise your fancies: In these our serious judgments shall supply Such sov'reign cordials as you shall not need No use nor application of more help Than what we shall prepare. Let this suffice: It rests in us to cure your maladies-- Excuse us, Madam Medler; these debates Have kept us from discovery of your wrongs.

MED. Than which none more depressive--would you judge Th' musician good that wants his instrument? Or any artisan, who goes to work Without provision of a proper tool, To manage that employment? Modesty Bids me conceal the rest: my secret wants Require an active tongue; but womanhood Enjoins me silence.

MOR. 'Las! I'm sensible Of her aggrievance, ere her dialect Can give it breath or accent.

MED. But you say-- And our experience has inform'd us, too-- In that essential truth, that we must first Disclose our wounds, if we expect a cure: Let your impartial judgments, then, give ear To a distressed lady's just complaint. In my first years, as now I am not old, My friends resolved to supply a portion, Which my descent (though good) could not afford, To match my youth unto a man of age, Whose nest was richly feather'd, stor'd of all But native vigour, which express'd itself As if all radical humour had been drench'd In a chill shady bed of cucumbers Before our nuptial night. Oft had I begg'd. With sighs and tears, that this unequal match Might be diverted; but it might not be. The fulness of his fortunes winged them To consummate the match: this pleased them, But me displeas'd, whom it concerned most.

FLO. The issue, madam?

MED. None; nor ever shall With that sear, suckless kex.

MOR. Never was lady So rarely beautifi'd, so highly wrong'd.

CAR. What flinty worldling[s] were those friends of yours To value fortunes more than your content!

PAL. To prostitute your honour to a clod Of mould'red earth!

SAL. And in an icy bed To starve your blooming comforts?

TIL. This exceeds All spousal suffering, which preceding times In our Italian stories ever read, Or in their sable annals register'd.

FLO. Much of Sir Tristram Shorttool (so I think Men call your husband) have I ofttimes heard, And his penurious humour. But your wrongs Were strangers to me, till your own relation Display'd their quality; which to allay, Nay, quite remove, transmit the care to us And our directions, to supply your wants. We should be just to all, but still retain A bosom-pity to the weaker sex. If we observ'd not this with tenderness, We should not merit this judicial seat, Whereto----

1ST BOY. These Dabrides rais'd you.

[_Aside._

TIL. Now, Madam Tinder, your aggrieves are last.

TIN. But not the least. What woman could endure In spousal rights to have a stranger share In her enjoyments? or remain depriv'd Of her propriety by losing those Appropriate dues which nature has ordain'd, And sacred rights approv'd? You see I'm young, And youth expects that tribute which our sex May challenge by descent.

ALL. Her plea is good.

TIN. Would you not, reverend consuls, hold it strange To see a savage, unconfined bull, When th' pasture's fruitful, and the milk-pail full, And all delights that might content a beast, Range here and there, and break into those grounds Which are less fertile, and where neither shade Affords him umbrage, nor smooth-running brooks Streams to allay his thirst: nay, where the grass, Too strow[129] for fodder, and too rank for pasture, Would generate more fatal maladies Than a whole college of state empirics Or country farriers had art to cure?

FLO. Such bullocks, madam, well deserve a baiting.

TIL. And beating too!

TIN. Yet this is my condition: For marrying one Sir Reuben Scattergood, A person in appearance like enough, And well-dispos'd for aught my watchful eyes Could long discover; but, his father dead, And his revenues by his death swol'n great, His nuptial bed he leaves, and entertains Such mercenary prostitutes as fancy-- His loose-exposed fancy--lur'd him to.

CAR. Injurious ribald!

PAL. Hateful libertine!

TIL. Had she been old, or crook'd, or any way Deform'd.

SAL. Or ill-condition'd.

MOR. Or averse, When he was active.

FLO. Or run retrograde To his just pleasures: these might have abridg'd And weaken'd his affection. But when beauty, Composed temper, and a graceful presence, Cloth'd both with majesty and a sweet smile Of such attractive quality, as the adamant Cannot more virtually enforce its object, Than these impressive motives of content: He merits not the title of a man, Much less the embraces of so choice a spouse, Who violates his faith, deceives her trust.

CAR. I am directly, sir, of your opinion.

PAL. So I.

MOR. And I.

ALL. So all of us concur, To make our judgments more unanimous.

TIN. And, to confirm't, may you be pleas'd to give Attention to a story I shall tell, As true as strange, to manifest th' affronts My patience has endur'd, and to what height His luxury ascended.

ALL. Madam, do; We shall lend ready ears to your discourse.

TIN. It chanc'd one day,--and ofttimes so it chanc'd, For doubtful thoughts have ever jealous eyes,-- That my suspicion had begot a fear That my neglectful husband had a kindness, And more than usual, unto my maid-- A proper maid, if so she might be call'd: Now, to possess myself whether those grounds Whereon I built might just inducements be Of my late-hatch'd fears, I made pretence, (What is it jealousy will not design?) To go from home. But this was no recede, But a retire: for in the ev'ning-time, When these two amorous pair expected least Such an unwelcome visit, I repair'd To a close arbour set with sycamores, The tamarisk, and sweet-breath'd eglantine, That local object which I fix'd upon, Not of myself, but by direction, Where I found out what I suspected long: Such wanton dalliance as the Lemnian smith Never discover'd more, when he prepar'd His artful net t' enwreath his Eriena Impal'd in Mars his arms.

ALL. Could you contain Your passion in such Aretine a posture?

TIN. With much reluctancy I did indeed, Curbing my temper, which was much enrag'd, With this too mild expression, "Fie, for shame! Minion, I'll have none of this work, not I." "You may, when it is offer'd you," said he.

1ST BOY. Ha, ha, ha! this was a bold-fac'd niggler;[130] trust me, wag.

[_Aside._

FLO. Was't not enough for him t' enjoy his pleasure, But he must jeer you too?

CAR. As if you were A stale to his light dalliance!

PAL. Or a scorn to his embraces! Was her servile beauty, Expos'd to sale, dishonour of her sex, To be compar'd to yours?

SAL. Whose native splendour, Without the help of art, which makes complexion By borrow'd colours much unlike itself: May challenge a prerogative i' th' rank Of our completest features.

MOR. It seems strange, How you could brook th' affront without revenge On that insulting prostitute.

TIL. No doubt She would take hold of opportunity By th' foretop, and repair her pressing wrongs By private satisfactions; which works best, When their revenge seems sleeping and at rest. This lady would not rate her worth so small, As to forego both use and principal.

2D BOY. No, reverend favourite, you will find this madam Spitfire of a keener metal than so. She's right tinder: no sooner touch than take.

[_Aside._

FLO. Ladies, we've heard your different complaints, Forcing our just compassion and resolves To tender your condition, and redress. What may the purport be of your petition, Relating to your grievances?

ALL-LADIES. A freedom From our disrelish'd beds.

ALL-PLATONICS. 'Tis granted you.

LADIES. With alimony to support our state In this division.

PLAT. Your suit is just; Should we oppose it, we might wrong ourselves.

1ST BOY. Very likely; for they mean to be made whole sharers both in their persons and personal estates. This is brave judicial brokage.

[_Aside._

FLO. Speak, fellow-colleagues, shall I limit them, What we in justice hold expedient For th' alimonal charge proportion'd them, And in what measure to supply their wants?

ALL. Do so, Florello; we shall second it.

FLO. Thus, I conceive, these ladies have resign'd Their title, property and interest, In whole and not in part, which they enjoy'd In their defective husbands. Were't not just In lieu o' th' whole, which they have here disclaim'd, That they should seize upon the moiety Of their revenues, whom they've here deserted As useless instruments unto the state?

PLAT. A just proportion.

LADIES. We submit to it.

2D BOY. And so ye may well, if your husbands will yield to't.

1ST BOY. These be nimble shavers, Nick, as well as sharers; they know how to cut large thongs out of other folks' leather.[131]

[_Aside._

FLO. This crowns our wishes, when with joint consent We close our votes, and render you content.

CAR. Dismount, dismount, let's exercise no more These purple seats; their stories stand too high For our ascent: only let's thus much know, Whether our parts were acted well or no.

[_They descend._

LADIES. Above expectance. Singular in all, But best in your conclusion.

FRI. You did well In your proportioning of our alimony, Moulded to th' moiety of their estates Whom we have justly left; but we had less Allotted us in more authentic courts.

PAL. That was not in our verge to regulate.

CAV. Nor skills it much; we have a competence Aspiring to exceedings; and in this More bless'd, because exempted from those bonds, Which our long servitude enchain'd us to.

FLO. Of consuls, then, which title we usurp'd To cheer your fancies, we shall now become Your servants, confidants, or favourites, Or how you please to style us. We are all Affianc'd yours: firm as the solid rock In your reserved councils, and what may Hold correspondence with your interests, But soft and malleable as liquid amber In its resolving temper, when delight Shall sport it in your bosom, and admit A sociable dalliance.

FRI. Your free discourse, Grounded on former proofs of constancy, Has so endear'd me, I am wholly yours.

CAV. Madam, we mean not you shall have it so: You've broke the ice, and we will trace your steps. Former experience has engaged me To fix on my Caranto.

JUL. Palisado shall Enjoy my love.

JOC. I for my Salibrand.

MED. Morisco mine.

TIN. Tinder shall Tilly's be.

TIL. Pure tender Tinder of affection, The new-blown bloom, that craves a native warmth To cherish its young growth, shall not receive More solace from those orient rays which shine On its fresh-springing beauty, than your choice Shall in my dear embraces.

TIN. I shall try you.

1ST BOY. Thus walks the poor gentlemen's revenues to raise these doxies' alimony: and thus runs their alimony to feed these youngsters' riot.

[_Aside._

PLA. Our joy's completed. Seal this joint conveyance With those ambrosiac signets of your lips.

[_They kiss._

"One house did hold, one house shall hold us twain; Once did we kiss, and we will kiss again."

2D BOY. How turtle-like they couple!

[_Aside._

SCENE VI.

_Upon these Platonics' private parlance, dalliance, and
embraces of the Ladies, Enter_ SIR AMADIN PUNY, SIR
JASPER SIMPLETON, SIR ARTHUR HEARTLESS, SIR GREGORY
SHAPELESS, SIR TRISTRAM SHORTTOOL, SIR REUBEN
SCATTERGOOD, _in a melancholy, discontented mood, with
their hats over their eyes_.

SIR AMA. Is this th' platonic law, all things in common?

SIR JAS. Must all forego their wives that are not wise?

SIR ART. Or be divorc'd, because we dare not fight?

SIR GRE. Or lose our mates, because we are not handsome?

SIR TRIS. Nay, 'cause we are not arm'd so well as others be, Forfeit our consort and our fortunes too?

SIR REU. Yes, that's the plague on't. Lose a light-heeled trull-- That in my judgment's nothing; but to lose all Or moiety of that all, or any part at all For a poor nifling[132] toy that's worse than nothing, 'Tis this that nettleth me! I must confess Tinder, that light-skirt, with impetuous heat Sometimes pursu'd me, till that quenchless fire Burst into flames of boundless jealousy, Which cross'd mine humour; for variety Relish'd my palate. Phoenix' brains be rare; But if our dishes had no other fare, They would offend the stomach, and so sate it, As grosser meats would give a better taste: Such was my surfeit to a marriage-bed; My fortunes I prefer before her beauty, Or what may most content the appetite. Money will purchase wenches; but this want-- This roguish thing called want--makes wanton thoughts Look much unlike themselves: 'tis this white metal Enliveneth spirits, knits our arteries Firm as Alcides. He that binds himself Apprentice to his wife merely for love, May he, pen-feathered widgeon, forfeit's freedom, With whatsoe'er is dearest to the vogue Of his affections. She were a rare piece That could engage me, or oblige me hers With all those ceremonial rites which Flamens use To Hymen's honour. Beauty, still say I, Will breed a surfeit, be it ne'er so choice Nor eye-attractive. I should choose a grave Before one mistress all mine interest have. O my alimony, alimony! this is the goad that only prickles me.

PLA. Those be your husbands, ladies;--how pitifully they look?

LADIES. Alas, poor cuckolds!

KNIGHTS. Ladies, we were sometimes your husbands.

[_These Platonics discover the Knights, and scornfully eye
them._

LADIES. True, You were so: but your known defects have raz'd That style of wedlock, and enfranchis'd us From that tyrannic yoke. We're now our own; Nor shall our beds by you be henceforth known.

SIR AMA. What have I done?

FRI. Nothing, Sir Amadin. And that's sufficient to divide us two. Your puny years must grow in strength and sinews To prove you man, before you can partake In my enjoyments; the court has so decreed, And by resentment of that injury Your blooming youth, unripened for delight, Has done to me, your hapless virgin bride, Held fit to number me amongst these ladies, All different sufferers; and for supportance (As everything, you know, would gladly live) Allots us alimony.

FLO. So his score is paid.

[_Aside._

SIR JAS. Madam, look on Sir Jasper.

CAV. Honest simpleton, And so I will, just as the fowler is wont On a catch'd dottrel; till your wasted brain Rise to more growth, I from my widow'd bed Will rise untouch'd: these breasts shall never give Their nursing teats unto a brood of fools.

CAR. So, good Sir Jasper, you've your doom in
folio.[133]

[_Aside._

SIR ART. Receive me, dear Julippe.

JUL. For what end? Have you stol'n from your colours? O, I hate A coward worser than a maidenhead Basely bestow'd. These Paphlagonian birds-- These heartless partridges--shall never nestle Under my feathers. Till your spirit revive, And look like man, disclaim your interest And injur'd title in Julippe.

PAL. So; He must first learn to fight, ere she to love.

[_Aside._

JOC. What would Sir Gregory?

SIR GRE. That you would love me.

JOC. No; you must cast your slough first: can you see Ought in yourself worth loving? Have you ever, Since our unhappy meeting, us'd a glass, And not been startled in the sad perusal Of your affrightful physnomy? Sir, hear me; And let me beg your patience, if you hear Aught may disrelish you. When th' camel shall Trans-shape himself into a nimble weasel, Or such-like active creature, and this bunch, Which Nemesis has on your shoulders pitch'd (This bunch of grapes, I mean) shall levell'd be,

[_She lays her hand upon his shoulders._

And brought into proportion by a press Equally squeezing, till it shall retain Adonis' feature, I shall value you, And hug you for my consort. But till then Excuse my strangeness.

SAL. So; his cause is heard: He must unshape himself to gain her love.

MED. Sir Tristram Shorttool, have you ought to do In this pursuit of fancy?

SIR TRIS. Something, madam.

MED. But to small[134] purpose. Sir Tristram, you have been A man of reading, and on winter nights You told me tales (for that was all[135] you did), What strange adventures and what gallant acts Redoubted knights did for their ladies' sakes; But what did you for Medler all the while? Did you e'er toss a pike or brandish blade For her dear sake? Go to, I shall conceal, And with a modest, bashful veil enshroud What sense bids me discover. Let me, sir, Advise you as a friend; for other styles, Relating to an husband, I shall never Henceforth resent them with a free comply: Love suits not well with your decrepit age; Let it be your chief care t' intend your health; Use caudles, cordials, julips, pectorals; Keep your feet warm; bind up your nape o' th' neck Close against chilling airs, that you may live An old man long; but take especial care You button on your nightcap.

MOR. After th' new fashion With his loave-ears[136] without it.

[_Aside._

MED. This is all-- Only your absence.

MOR. So good night, Sir Tristram.

[_Aside._

SIR REU. Sweet Madam Tinder.

[SIR REUBEN _offers to kiss her_.

TIN. Keep your distance, sir; I love not to be touch'd.

SIR REU. Are you so hot, My tender tinder?

TIN. No, sir; look to the clime Where you inhabit; there's the torrid zone.

TIL. Yea, there goes the hare[137] away!

[_Aside._

SIR REU. Can you not love?

TIN. Not one that loves so many.

SIR REU. 'Las, pretty peat!

[_Offers to touch her._

TIN. Pray, sir, hold off your hand; Truck with your low-pric'd traders; I must tell you Mine honour's higher rated.

SIR REU. Be it so; I wish you would disclaim your alimony With that indiff'rent touch as you do love, You should not need a dispensation, madam; It should be granted unpetitioned!

TIN. I'm confident it would; nor shall the coolness Of your affection bring me to an ebb Of favour with myself. Plant where you please, I'll henceforth scorn to hug my own disease.

TIL. So, Sir Reuben's despatched, and, like a ranger, may tappis[138] where he likes.

[_Aside._

SIR REU. But hark you, madam; what be these brave blades That thus accoutre you? Are they your Platonics, Hectors, or champion-haxters,[139] pimps or palliards, Or your choice cabinet-confidants?

TIN. You may exact accompt from them.

SIR REU. No, but I will not; Long since I've heard a proverb made me wise, And arm'd me cap-a-pie 'gainst such accounts: "Whos'e'er he be that tugs with dirty foes, He must be soil'd, admit he win or lose."

TIN. Shall I acquaint them with your adage, sir?

SIR REU. Do, if you please.

TIN. No, sir, I am too tender Of your endanger'd honour. Should a baffle Engage your fame, and I the instrument, It would disgust me.

SIR REU. You are wondrous kind; But, pray you, tell me, is this favourite, Or turnkey of your council, in the rank Of generous Hectors? I would be resolv'd, For it concerns me.

TIN. Pray, good sir, as how?

SIR REU. Since 'tis my fate, I would be branched nobly, Lest mine adulterate line degenerate, And raze the ancient splendour of mine house, As many noble families have done By mixing with inferior apple-squires, Grooms, pages, ushers, which in time begot Such middle wits in this our middle region, None could distinguish them from Corydons, Nor well discover whence they might derive Their prime descent, unless it were by th' crest Their footmen wore, or what their coach presented In its rear quarter. All your Sir Reuben begs Aims mainly at your honour's privilege, Which shielded, I'm secure; and it is this: "Let choice hands meddle with your tinder-box!"

TIN. Make that your least of fears. We'll keep our fame, Amidst this freedom, still unblemished.

KNIGHTS. So we have all receiv'd their final answers.

SIR REU. Now[140] do I mean to draw up my rejoinder. "He who will lose his wits or break his heart For such a wench as will not take his part, And will not shun what he may safely fly, May he a Bedlam or a beggar die!"

KNIGHTS. Farewell, inconstant ladies.

LADIES. Adieu, constant Acteons.

[_Exeunt omnes, the Ladies ushered in by their Confidants._