Chapter V: Part 5

When a Child is in the Arms of those it is fond of, no body must meddle with it under pain of a Slap on the Face; and tho’ this Behaviour is often put up with, and the Parents persuade themselves it is pretty, yet their Friends, when absent, seldom fail to condemn them as the Cause of this Behaviour: but should any one, regardless of the Slaps, take the Child into their Arms, the little Creature is immediately in a Rage, the whole Company is thrown into Disorder, and nothing can quiet it, but returning to the Arms of the mistaken Fondler. Here at one View is Error upon Error, Absurdity upon Absurdity; the Child by this mistaken Fondness is made miserable, and the Mother or Nurse a Slave. Now to obviate this Inconvenience, my Advice is, that every Child, after six Months old, be accustomed to various Faces; be put into the Arms of various People, young or old, fine or ordinary; so as to make every one they see in some Degree familiar: Parents are to make their Children happy; keep them active, lively, and smiling; and this they cannot do, if they cherish or indulge in them a Dislike of going to any other but themselves. I know this Weakness in Mothers and Nurses is attended with many Inconveniencies; it creates in Children an early Fear; often an unconquerable Shyness; it sours their Temper, and strengthens their natural Wilfulness; which last Effect is plain to every Eye; for to make the Child quiet they take it away from the Stranger; by which Treatment it soon sees it can conquer it’s Parents. But Parents encourage this partial Fondness in Children, for fear they should not love them: this is a Mistake; for even Infants soon know their Mother or Nurse; and soon too do they both see and feel a Happiness in them they do not find in others: like People who toil themselves with Sights and Shows, they return to their own Home, and enjoy a Content superior to every thing they felt abroad.

Children, while young, may be compared to Machines; which are, or should be, put in Motion, or stopped, at the Will of others: but here it must be confessed, that ’till they are able to conduct themselves, they stand in need of good Conductors. For Example, Children have the Gift of Speech; but to how perverse a Purpose, unless regulated? Their Wit, their Cunning, or their Knowledge, often serve but to mislead them; serve but to strengthen the natural Corruption of their Will. What is more common than for a Child to make no Answer when ask’d a Question? Or what more common than for another, or perhaps the same in a different Mood, to tire a whole Company with incessant Prating? Now nothing can regulate these but the Judgment of Parents; the whole Machine, that is, the Words and Actions of Children, are to be under their Guidance alone: to this End, they must set out with a Resolution to conquer; and never quit the Field of Argument ’till they have. When a Question is ask’d a Child, no Matter by whom, whether by the Parents, a Visitor, a Servant, or a Beggar, it must never be suffered to go unanswered; all the Rules of Breeding and Civility demand it; and nothing can excuse a Non-compliance: so, on the other hand, when a Child has a fluent, voluble Tongue, and is disposed to talk out of Time and Place, and to say perhaps many improper or unbecoming things, it must certainly be restrained. But tho’ I urge this, it is not merely because Children should speak or be silent; do a thing, or let it alone, when bid; for however right or pleasing all this is, it is far from being the only Motive; no, it is the Influence the opposite Behaviour will have on Children’s future Lives that must be the Point in View. A Child accustomed not to answer when spoke to, will probably contract a morose, dogged, or, at least, an uncivil Habit; another suffered to out-talk every body in the House, will be in Danger of becoming an impertinent, if not an empty Prater; and if a third is never refused the thing it asks for, it will be but ill prepared to bear Disappointments. Parents I know are apt to think nothing of these Irregularities; but it is Inattention to the first Errors, which lays the Foundation of Vices for Life. What is it distinguishes Mankind from all created Nature, but that superior Power, Reason? Yet what is it makes this noble Faculty, this boasted Power, so often useless, nay destructive, but the Corruption of the Will? Will is a distinct Power in the Soul; but as it is naturally corrupt, if Parents neglect an early Restraint of it in their Children, it is great odds that their Reason will never be able to conquer it: nay there are many who never attempt the subjecting it; who banish every thing which does not favour their Inclinations, however irregular; and even among those who struggle for Reason to gain the Ascendant, the Combat is often unequal. Hence appears the Necessity of attending to the earliest Words and Actions of Children; of observing the Biass they take; and of moulding their tender Minds, that the first Dawn of Reason may be cherished and improved in them.

Parents should give their Children an early and an ardent Love of Truth; in order to this, it is not sufficient that they give them Precepts, they must add Example too. There is no Vice more dangerous, none more odious, than a Habit of lying; and yet none more common. But what is stranger still, Parents themselves are often the Persons who teach it them. It is very far from being my Design to charge Parents with an Intention of leading Children into this capital Error; but that they do it either thro’ want of Thought, or want of Judgment, is evident. First, they grossly mistake their Children’s Capacity; and from a Notion that they know nothing, say a thousand improper things in their hearing: then, when they find themselves observed, are obliged to use many Shifts and Turns to get rid of their Curiosity and Importunity. The next Cause is, that Parents do not make Duty their Children’s Rule of Conduct. A Child sees something in it’s Father’s Hand, and asks, What is that? The Father answers, Nothing. But why make so absurd a Reply? Will not the Child in Return act the same Part? _Jacky_, what have you got in your Hand? Nothing. A Child sees it’s Mother put Money, Fruit, or any thing else in her Pocket, and asks for it; immediately she replies she has none: the Child taking the Conviction of it’s Senses, cries for what it has seen; and the Mother, after repeated Denials, has no other Way of pacifying it, than the giving what it cries for; and thus prove she has been maintaining a Falsehood. I was once in Company with a Lady, who with a sort of half Whisper, said her poor little Girl had Worms, and she must give her some Physic; Miss immediately cries out, What, you are talking of me now: No, no, Child, says Mamma: I know you are, replies Miss; I heard you talk of Physic, but I’ll not take any I am resolved: No, my Dear, repeats Mamma, I’m not talking about you; I’m talking of somebody that is in a Consumption. Surely such Behaviour reflects greatly on the Understanding or Conduct of Parents. Children should be told their Duty without Disguise; and it is certain they may often be won to it by soft and gentle Means; but Falsehoods, Prevarications, and puzzling the Truth, can never be the Way to lead them to it. Parents then, besides animating their Children to a Love of Truth by daily Advice, must themselves carefully avoid all obscure ambiguous Language in their hearing; all Signs, Nods, and Winks, which can answer no other End than perplexing their Understandings, or raising in them a restless painful Curiosity. Sir _Roger L’Estrange_ tells a Story that pleases me for it’s thorough Honesty. “A Man met an Acquaintance in the Street: What, my Friend, says he, have you got under your Coat? Why, replies the other, what I have under my Coat, I put there on purpose that you might not know.” Thus Parents without quibbling or evading, without Harshness or Ill-nature, need only convince their Children that all things are not proper for them to have, nor all things fit for them to know.

There is a Propensity in Nature which greatly deserves the Attention of Parents, that is, Curiosity: and this when well regulated, may without Impropriety be called the Gate of Knowledge. How lifeless, spiritless, and insipid, is a Child without it! How pleasing, and how capable of daily Improvement with it! Parents then ought to cherish this Propensity, as it’s Use is boundless. But tho’ Curiosity is in it’s Nature a Means of Improvement, it is extremely apt to degenerate into Impertinence; and herein Parents cannot be too circumspect. For as they are really two opposite Qualities, the one a Virtue, the other a Vice; great Care should be taken to praise and reward the former, and discountenance and punish the latter. Parents, besides the Instructions and Encouragement they give to Children in this Point, should throw them in the way of exercising it, and attend to their Behaviour when unconstrained. For Example; if I never lock up my Books, my Children will learn that they have the Liberty of reading them, unless expressly forbid; so likewise if I leave Letters or other Papers about without reserve, they may with Freedom examine them; and if they did not, I should think them incurious: but if they look over my Shoulder on purpose to see what I am writing, if they break a Seal to read the Contents of a Letter, or pry into my Scrutore because I have accidently left it open; it will be easy for me to determine that they are degenerating into Impertinence.

Useful Curiosity shews itself by innumerable Enquiries into the various Productions of Nature and Art; hence insensibly arises in Children, a Love of Knowledge, and a Love of Labour; hence too they learn to distinguish the Useless from the Useful; what they should pursue from what they should avoid. Impertinence shews itself by prying into the Affairs of others; employing their Thoughts and Time about what does not concern them, to the Detriment of all within their Reach. Hence springs that Neglect of real Knowledge we daily see in many; and that Croud of Trifles which waste their Time, and tend only to hurt others, and do themselves no good. For in proportion to the Time they spend in acting wrong, so much do they lose of the Knowledge how to act right. But besides it’s being so detrimental and destructive to Society, Impertinence has something in it so mean and hateful, that Parents cannot do too much to keep their Children free from it.

Parents should encourage in their Children a lively chearful Disposition; but quite pure, and unmixt with Vice, however distant. In order thereto, they should never suffer them, for any consideration, to utter an indecent Word, or commit any irregular Action which has the least bad Tendency; but above all, Parents must be careful themselves, never to say or do any thing in their Presence that they ought not to hear or see. This Caution may seem unnecessary, since all acknowledge how great the Force of Example is; yet if we view the general Conduct of Fathers particularly, we shall be obliged to own they stand greatly in need of it. For what more common than to hear Men swear and utter many indecent Expressions before their Children? And what more natural than their Imitation of them? which Poison, when once imbibed, cannot easily be expelled. As my Aim in writing is purely the Hopes of conveying Instruction, so I speak my Thoughts with Freedom; and every one is at liberty to take or leave what they like, or what they find most necessary and applicable to themselves: still I cannot help urging in the strongest Terms, a strict Regard to Decency as an universal and indispensable Obligation. For whoever considers how naturally propense we are to catch the Taint, and how very hard it is to wipe it off, will surely agree with me, that those are much the happiest who escape the Infection the longest.

But besides the nicest Care with regard to Words, Parents, as I have observed before, should be greatly circumspect in their Actions. Nothing gross or indecent should be done in their Sight; a Mother should by no means appear too much undressed in the Presence of her Son; nor a Father in that of his Daughter; for these and many other things, though in themselves innocent, are not allowable; they give Boys a Boldness which borders on Impudence; and they are apt to wean Girls from some Degree of that Modesty they ought so carefully to preserve.

I cannot but recommend, what I doubt very few will comply with, that Boys and Girls, even when Infants, have not only separate Beds, but, wherever it is practicable, always lie in separate Rooms: nor should they ever be exposed naked to one another, or the least wanton Curiosity be permitted: the Eyes and Ears convey Corruption to the Mind; and we cannot begin too soon to shut up every Avenue to Vice. I am sensible of the Singularity of this Doctrine; but I am firmly persuaded many good Effects would flow from the Practice of it. It is Matter of Astonishment to me, to see discreet and good People universally over-run with the false Notion, that Children do not observe; as if because they are Children, they neither hear, nor see, nor feel: whence they often lead them, or suffer them to be led very early into some kinds of Knowledge, which should be the last for them to learn. I grant indeed that such is the general reigning Corruption, that however carefully Parents avoid tainting their Children’s Minds, they will still be exposed to the Contagion of others; but if they have the Happiness of seeing these things always discountenanced by their Parents, and are never suffered to copy the corrupt Manners of others, the odds are greatly in their Favour: but if after all they should still turn out vicious, Parents will have at least the consoling Reflection, that they did every thing on their Part to prevent it.

At the same time that Parents are industrious to make Children obedient to themselves, they must teach them to consider every one as an Individual of Society, and give them a deep Sense of the Necessity of good Behaviour to all, whatever be their Circumstances or Condition. In every Family there are particular Obligations which Children must be taught to distinguish, and to reduce to Practice. Next to their Parents, Children owe to all senior Relations, Respect and Duty; to their Brothers and Sisters they owe not only a tender but an unalterable Affection; and all of more distant Kin have a Claim of Respect which cannot be refused them. Yet all this is but little, if compared with the universal Demand Mankind have on one another. We cannot without Injustice deny Virtue and Merit our Esteem; old Age is venerable, and to refuse the Honours due to it, is a Degree of Impiety; Obligations demand Gratitude; Misfortunes call for Friendship and Compassion; and even Vice and Folly demand our Pity and Concern, nay more, demand our Endeavours to remove them. But among the various Situations in Life, that which most requires the Care and Attention of Parents is, the teaching Children a due Regard to People in Poverty and Distress. It does not cost much pains to give Children a proper and becoming Behaviour to their Betters and Equals; but to persuade them to maintain a considerable Degree of Respect to Inferiors, or to those in disadvantageous Circumstances, is an arduous Task; still it may and ought to be done. Nothing so humanizes the Soul, nothing so strongly proves the Man, as sympathizing with, and relieving the Distresses of our Fellow Creatures: ’tis then the Duty of Parents never to let their Children speak or act with the least Degree of Rudeness to the lowest among Mankind; never to let them divert themselves with their Rags or Misfortunes; but on the contrary, they should sometimes furnish them with Money or other Things, that the Relief they design to give the Needy may pass through their Hands: and at the same time imprint this Truth on their Minds; that he who is thus reduced to ask, is often far more deserving than he who bestows.

Another indispensable Duty of Parents to their Children is, that they teach them never to dare to sport with the natural Defects of others. As an ingenious Author says, “This Practice, though levelled at the Creature, reflects on the Creator; it mocks the Architect, and burlesques the Creation.” ’Tis strange that Persons of the best Understanding so seldom reflect on this Point. What can be more absurd than to ridicule one Man for being too tall, and another for being too short? one for having too little Nose, another for having too much? The Degrees of Beauty and Deformity are infinite; and to be perfectly free from natural Defects and Blemishes is the Lot of very few: nor is it easy to fix the Standard of Beauty. We know by Anatomy, Sculpture and Painting, the general Rules of Symmetry and Proportion, and thus easily distinguish the gross Defects; but Beauty in the superlative Degree, in it’s ultimate Perfection, is not so readily determined. But farther; what is beautiful in the Eye of one is not so in the Eye of another; what was accounted Beauty in some former Age or distant Country, is not esteemed such at present. Since then we see that ’tis our general Lot to be more or less defective, and that All are made by one Almighty Hand, how inhuman must it be to insult or despise another for what, if an Imperfection, it is not in his Power to avoid; and that perhaps while the Insulter himself is not free from other Blemishes, full as obvious and offensive to many.

But the Defects of the Body are not alone the Subject of our Ridicule; we sport too with those of the Mind. Providence for wise Reasons does not give to all alike; are we therefore to hold another in contempt for not knowing so much as ourselves? Are we to laugh at a Man for not knowing what he has had no opportunity to learn? no surely. A Neglect to improve, and the Abuse of natural Talents, are the only things that deserve the Scourge; and even here it often happens, that he who exercises the Rod, deserves it more than he who feels it. Such however is the Partiality, such the false Practice of Mankind. Can Parents then be too careful to obviate these Errors in their Children? Can they take too much Pains to imprint on their Souls the Meanness and Folly of such Mistakes? surely they cannot.

Another Caution equally necessary is, that Parents utterly avoid all Distinction of Favourites among their Children. Sometimes the Father has his Darling, and the Mother her’s; sometimes they both doat on the same Child, and neglect the rest. Again, it is frequently observed, that Mothers are extravagantly fond of the Boys, and either treat the Girls with a visible Indifference, or grossly neglect them, they know not why. It is true indeed that it may, and sometimes does happen, that one Child in a Family is superior in Parts to the rest, or is particularly engaging, and may be said to merit that partial Distinction Parents make; but to shew that Reason is not always their Guide, I appeal to general Observation, whether it does not often happen, that the greatest Favourite is the greatest Booby? Yet allowing that a Lady loves her Son best, because he is really a smart Fellow; it is possible those very Qualifications she so much admires, and which attract her to him to the Prejudice of the other Children, are the things she ought to be most displeased with; things, which if sounded to the Bottom, would often prove Vice or Folly. But supposing that the favourite Son is really what he appears, more amiable than the Girls; may not this be owing to Accident or Design? May it not be the Effects of superior Education, or a greater Knowledge of Men and Manners? most certainly. All young People are, what they are, in proportion to the Opportunities they have had of acquiring Knowledge, or the Use they have made of them; so shut them out from Opportunities, and they can never improve; because they are deprived of the Means: thus it often happens in Families; the Boys are in the World, and gain a Knowledge of good Behaviour; the Girls are coop’d up, and Mamma wonders at their Ignorance! But what farther increases a Mother’s Surprize is, that she does not find her Girls improve in proportion to the Opinion she entertains of her own Abilities: now allowing, what cannot be generally true, that she has all that a Woman can be possessed of, if they are confined to the Company of her chiefly, their Knowledge of the World will be very scanty. To be acquainted with the World, we must see it; to know Mankind, we must know their Faces, and mark their Deportment; and from seeing a Variety of Manners, must come the Power of polishing our own.

I say not this as an Intimation to Parents, that they ought to throw their Children wild and untaught into the World, far from it; on the contrary, I am convinced how much they want to be fortified against it’s Snares; and how nicely they ought to be conducted: but with reference to the Matter in hand, I would fain make Parents sensible how irregular, nay how unjust their Partiality usually is; particularly in banishing Children from their Affections for not knowing what they have had no Opportunity to learn. If then Parents really intend the Good of their Children, they must with the utmost Resolution throw off all Partiality; if not, ’tis more than probable it may greatly injure, or even undo, a whole Family. The Darling is liable to be ruined thro’ Indulgence; the rest, thro’ Neglect and Ignorance. Children, by this unequal Treatment, conceive a Hatred to one another, and often to the Parents themselves, which perhaps lasts as long as their Lives. But besides that, this injurious Treatment debases their Minds, it is productive of many dreadful Evils; for hence proceed, not only inveterate Malice, but Confusion, Law-suits and Poverty; and hence too proceed rash, precipitate, and disgraceful Marriages; with many other Calamities, which it would require a Volume to enumerate.

Parents should by all Means consider, that every Child is equally the Object of their Love and Care; and, by the Right of Nature, equally demands their Protection. The Laws indeed, for the Support of Families and Dignity, have, in some Cases, made an Inequality in the Distribution of Fortune, which must be submitted to: still that does not take off from the Obligation of Parents, nor justify a blind or whimsical Partiality. There is no Topic I would more enforce than this, yet none more difficult to prescribe Rules for. It is certain, that rewarding the good, and punishing the bad, is both a Virtue, and a Duty; yet at the same time that I acknowledge how much the good Child deserves, I cannot resolve to abandon the bad: the Voice of Nature and Reason cry out loudly against it. I will for once suppose Parents entirely divested of Partiality, and that the Difference is really in the Children, and not in themselves. Are they sure there are no Faults in their Education? Are they conscious that they have not exposed them to be corrupted by others, tho’ they have not done it themselves? Are they convinced those Acts of Disobedience which their Children commit are the Effects of Malice prepense? or may they not be rather the Sallies of thoughtless, giddy Youth? All these things Parents must nicely weigh, before they carry their Resentment against a Child to Extremes. Let Parents reflect, that a Boy whom they cannot now controul, and whom perhaps they are going to expose to the capricious Fury of the Seas, and deliver up to an Academy of Vice and Profaneness in order to reform him, may be much sooner reclaimed by proper Pains and Remonstrances, than by throwing him into the Jaws of Licentiousness: for how often do we see a disorderly Youth, touched, by a Parent’s well-timed Clemency, with a Sense of his Mistakes; and when the native Fire of his Youth is abated, become truly wise and good; a Pattern of Virtue, and an Honour to the Age he lives in? Can Parents reflect on this, and not resolve to try every Expedient before that of disinheriting a Child, abandoning him to Misery and Want, or giving him up to that Nursery of Immorality, the Sea? My serious Advice in this Point is, that Parents be not hasty in driving things to Extremities. Let them with unwearied Patience try every gentle Means in their Power; and certainly by such Methods they will have the fairest Chance to succeed. For if Children see their Parents constantly aiming at their general Good; if they find them hold the Scale of Justice with an equal Hand; and experience their Affection and Tenderness to be void of Partiality, even after repeated Provocations; if, I say, they once become so happy as to reflect on these Circumstances in their true Light, (as sooner or later undoubtedly they will) I cannot but hope the most abandoned will be reclaimed, and the hardest Heart softened into Tenderness, Respect and Duty. But here lies our common Error; we grow impatient at a Child’s Disobedience and Untowardness, and without striking at the Root of his Vices, without levelling at, and removing the Cause, we dwell on the Effects; his Follies give us Pain, and we do not try so much to cure him, as to ease ourselves; and therefore rashly remove him from our Sight by sending him to Sea: in my Opinion, the last Place in the Universe to make a bad Boy a good one. I heard a Story some Years ago of a rich Citizen of _London_, which deserves to be remember’d with Honour. He had a Son, some Years past a Boy, addicted to every Extravagance, and who had almost worn out the Father’s Patience and Indulgence by repeated Abuses of them, and by continual Cravings. The Father at length consulted a Friend, in order, if possible, to devise a Remedy: when he had poured out his Soul in Grief, and shewn that his Kindness had been almost boundless; the Friend replied, I have, Sir, a Remedy to propose, that I think deserves the Experiment. The World calls you a hundred thousand Pound Man; but tho’ that may not be strictly true, yet from my own Knowledge you are very rich: throw at once ten thousand Pounds into your Son’s Hands; that Sum cannot ruin you, and it is possible it may save him. The good old Man, with Heart full of Desire to do whatever might convince his Son how much he wish’d his Happiness, very readily came into the Proposal: he sent for him accordingly, and thus addressed him. “You know, my Son, how dear I have always held you; you know how much I have desired your Happiness and Prosperity, by the Pains I have taken to promote them; but you do not consider how much you have abused my Indulgence: your boundless Love of expensive Pleasures has so far blinded you, that you neither see my Kindness, nor your own Folly. But here, take the utmost Proof of an afflicted Father’s Fondness; take this ten thousand Pound, and husband it as you please. If you use it well, it will not be the last Favour you may hope from my Tenderness: but if you persist in the Abuse of my Bounty, ’tis the sole Proof of it you must ever expect.” The Son, struck with Amazement at so much Goodness, and touched with a deep Sense of his former Ingratitude, from that Hour became all he ought to be, and all his Father’s Heart could wish. This genuine Relation may in great Measure serve as a Guide to Parents. It is true every one has not ten thousand pound to give; but there are ten thousand Parents who may, by exerting their several Capacities according to their Station, preserve their Children from the Ruin they are threaten’d with: and thus turn them from Objects of Vexation and Grief, into Instruments of Joy and Happiness.

At the same time that the Authority of Parents is to be maintain’d above every other Consideration, Children should be taught to love them to a superlative Degree. This Love in Children to their Parents, will naturally make them fly to them on every Emergence; and thus Obedience will become a Pleasure: whereas if they are kept at a Distance by an austere Behaviour, or are treated in a cold, lifeless, insipid Manner, they will be apt to doubt of their Parents Affection, and be induced to seek Comfort from others: and then no wonder if they fly to Aunts and Cousins, when even the Servants, from the Stable to the Kitchen, will have Power to engage their tender Hearts, and rob Parents of that superior Affection they ought so jealously to engross to themselves. Nothing requires more the Parents Attention, than the preserving that golden Rule, a Medium in their whole Conduct to their Children; therefore while they are careful not to spoil them by too much Indulgence, they should at the same time study to win their Hearts.

Parents should be particularly careful not to dispirit their Children; which undoubtedly will have a bad Influence on their whole future Conduct. There is a Degree of Courage to be maintained that is not only graceful, but absolutely necessary to carry us thro’ Life, which Parents therefore must not destroy. Some of my Readers may perhaps think, that while I am enforcing Obedience, I am myself undermining Courage; but let me ask them whether a Soldier loses his Courage by being under Discipline? by no Means. On the contrary, a Consciousness of the Regularity of his Exercise, and of his Skill in the Use of Arms, always animates him in time of Danger: thus Children kept in Decorum, and under a Habit of doing right, will have far less Fear than those who are acting as their Passions lead them: unless indeed they are quite abandoned.

Courage discovers itself by a Command of Countenance, a dauntless Air and Behaviour, join’d with such a Degree of Respect, Duty, and Self-knowledge, as shews it to be free from Impudence and Self-conceit: it is a Firmness of Spirit that enables us to encounter every Danger when necessary; and to demean ourselves in a proper Manner under Trouble, Pain, and Disappointment. But here Parents must be very careful to distinguish false Courage from true, imaginary Evils from real: let there be no trembling about Hobgoblins, or dark Holes; no Stories of Apparitions to raise Terror in the tender Minds of Children: Parents should never mention these things to them, nor, if possible, suffer any body else to do it; unless it be to laugh at, and expose the Folly of them.

Nothing can be a greater Weakness than the creating or cherishing these Fears in Children: nay how senseless a thing is it to make them afraid of a dark Room, a Chimney-sweeper, or whatever else can impress a groundless or an unjust Fear on them; for more or less they feel it their whole Lives, and by that Means are oftentimes made very miserable. Children, as soon as they can distinguish, should be taught to look, and move, and speak with Courage; and, as they grow up, they should be put frequently in the Way of exercising it, whereby many natural or acquired Weaknesses will be conquered: such as, a Fear of the Water, Riding, and innumerable other things, which Parents should by every Means endeavour to prevent or remove: taking along with them this Caution, not to treat those Children whose Spirits are naturally weak, with the same Freedom they do the more robust; nor ever rashly expose them to real or imminent Dangers.

There is another Species of Fear, so far removed from Virtue and good Sense, that Parents cannot do too much to banish it from their Children’s Minds; I mean that which is the Offspring of Superstition. What Pity is it that this heathenish Principle should ever find a Place in a Christian Breast: that People who are taught to rely on Providence alone, and who know that Happiness is the infallible Reward of a virtuous Life, should nevertheless desert that Providence, and turn their Backs on the Comforts and Advantages annexed to it, to run in Search of Misery. Fear is natural to the Soul of Man; but it is Reason only that can fix it’s just Bounds. If I have a Child in the _Indies_, and dream he is dead, am I to be miserable till a Letter from him convinces me of my Folly? If I am about engaging in an Affair, of itself not only innocent but laudable, am I to put it off because it is an unlucky Day? or because a senseless, withered Hag shakes her Head over a Dish of Coffee-grounds, am I to fear that Destruction is coming upon me? No, no; all these are Instruments of Misery, which nobody must meddle with who claims being a rational Creature. Superstition and Happiness are incompatible, as every Day’s Experience proves. Parents then, effectually to avoid these Evils, must teach their Children a just Abhorrence of Superstition; they must teach them too, that the only Fear consistent with a Reliance on Providence, and consistent with Virtue and good Sense, is the Fear of doing wrong; that is, of being vicious.

The general Indulgence of Parents to their Children in gratifying their unreasonable Humours, is no small Obstacle to their Happiness; but that is not all, it disturbs the Oeconomy of the Family, and every Day, perhaps every Hour, throws the House into Disorder; and thus turns that into Slavery and Vexation, which Providence designed as a Comfort and a Blessing. There is a well known pleasant Story which seems not unsuitable here: A Lady gave her Daughter, about three Years old, to the Care of a Nursery-maid, with positive Orders that Miss should never be suffered to cry; Whatever she wants, says the Lady, be sure let her have it; I will not have her cry. The Maid soon grew weary of her little Tyrant, and archly resolved on a Method to convince Mamma of her Mistake. Accordingly, one fine Evening, the Girl put Miss into a Window; See, my Dear, says she, see that pretty Moon; shall I give you that pretty Moon to play with? In a short time she work’d up the Child’s Fancy so strongly, that nothing would quiet her but the Moon. At length Mamma (upon hearing her Child cry) in great Rage entered the Room; How dare you, says she, let my Child cry? Madam, replied the Maid, Miss wants—Don’t tell me she wants; she shall want nothing she has a Mind to have. Madam, repeats the Maid, (as soon as she could be heard) Miss wants the Moon; and your Ladyship knows I can’t give it her. The Lady was struck dumb; Miss still cried vehemently, and nothing could quiet her, but a severe Whipping from Mamma’s own Hands.

There are but two Ways of subduing the Passions, _viz._ Force and Reason; but there are a thousand Ways, and those daily used, to inflame and strengthen them. When a Child is accustomed to have all it asks for, it soon becomes unreasonable in its Demands; and in the End expects Impossibilities. Now which is most eligible, to keep the Passions regulated, and prevent their making great Resistance; or to suffer them to rise to such a Height, that all our After-care will not be sufficient to check them? Parents then should by all Means accustom themselves to deny their Children some things, even such as are innocent and reasonable; not indeed to gratify a cruel Pleasure, for that they should abhor, but to familiarize them to Disappointments, that they may brook them the better. Besides, by this Method, every Grant from the Parents will be esteemed a Favour, and received with Gratitude and Alacrity; whereas the granting every thing they ask, destroys the very Life and Spirit of Compliance, and it ceases to be a Favour. A little Judgment and Experience will shew Parents how to vary these Grants and Denials, if they do but attend to them; and if Children are under any Degree of Regulation, nothing is more easy.

Yet this by no means implies that Children are not sometimes to have what they like; far from it: but the Regulation I have been speaking of makes their own Lives comfortable and easy; and at the same time furnishes Parents with frequent Opportunities of discovering their various Inclinations and Propensities, and puts it in their Power to confer many little Favours on them, that otherwise they would not be sensible of. For Example; there are two Sorts of Meat at Table equally innocent; in that Case Parents may sometimes, without Impropriety, give a Child its Choice; this Indulgence, when allowed without Clamour or Rudeness in the Child, looks graceful, gives it Spirit, and a pleasing Air: besides, it affords Parents an Opportunity of discovering, if a Child has any natural Antipathy, any unconquerable Aversion, to certain Kinds of Food; or any thing in its Constitution that has a Repugnancy to certain Meats, which, tho’ it may like, always make it sick; all which must be distinguished from Humour and Daintiness. But it will be impossible to arrive at this Knowledge, if my first Principle, Obedience, be neglected; for if a Child be suffered always to have it’s own Humour, what a fantastical Figure does it make at Table! I have seen a sensible well-bred Woman sweat with Confusion at the Behaviour of her Child, and able to eat no Dinner herself for attending to it’s Humours. One Minute it would have one Meat, the next another; this was too fat, and that was cut in the wrong Place; by and by it would have something else, and after all grow sullen, and not eat half it’s Dinner: but Obedience obviates this Confusion, and makes all calm and regular; Children take whatever is given them, and eat it without Reluctance or Reserve. Thus while they see they are not to be humoured, Parents will be at Leisure to attend to them, and may easily observe what Food should be generally given, and what avoided; and thus too Parents might have half a dozen Children at Dinner with Peace and Joy, while the opposite Behaviour makes one a Plague to the whole Table.

This Attention to Children will likewise discover what Companions they like, and often, why they like them; by which Means Parents will be able to judge if their Dispositions are good or bad; vulgar or polite; tending to Vice or Virtue; all which will furnish them with Hints for granting or denying certain Acquaintance.

The same Rule Parents should observe, thro’ the stated Actions of every Day; that is to say, at Rising, Breakfast, Dressing, School, Dinner, Supper, and Bed-time; all are to be under such Regulation, that no Opposition or Untowardness obstruct the Order of their Designs: these I call the stated Actions, because they are things that constantly and regularly return; and Parents should by all Means habituate their Children to consider them as Acts of Obedience and Duty that must be readily complied with. On this Head I earnestly recommend, that Parents introduce Order and Method among their Children; by laying out their Time, and allotting different Hours in the Day for different Exercises; by which Means all will go smoothly on, and render their various Employments extremely easy. Here I cannot help observing, how ready People are to give opprobrious Names to what they dislike or are Strangers to. A Man, because he does not love Order, or does not understand it, endeavours to brand it with the Epithet of Formality; whereas in reality, nothing considerable or truly important can be carried on without it. How comes it, that, besides the Artizans, and other Day-labouring Men, we so regularly see the Clerk in his Office, the Merchant upon Change, the Physician with his Patient, and the Judge on the Bench? but because the Nature of our various Employments in Life require it, and because Order is the Soul of Action. To be convinced of this, we need but view the first Elements of Learning, where we find Letters and Figures always ranged in the same exact Order. But we may go farther, by observing, that Logicians teach us the Arrangement even of our Ideas; so indispensably necessary is Order and Method for the conducting us through Life. But while I urge the Usefulness and Necessity of Order, I would not be understood to mean a rigorous and starch’d Preciseness in all we do; on the contrary, I have already recommended, that Parents endeavour to give their Children an easy and a graceful Air. I am very sensible, that as in the Productions of Nature there is often displayed a beautiful Irregularity, thus Order and stated Times may be dispensed with, in some of the greatest Actions the Soul of Man is capable of. And as in Wit the sudden Propriety of the Thought and Expression makes the Beauty of it; so in the Exigencies of Life, an unpremeditated Act of Benevolence, doubly proves the Goodness of the Heart from which it flows: still as Judgment is superior to Wit, so Order is superior to Irregularity.

I have already recommended that Parents study to win their Children’s Hearts; and it is on this Principle, that Love be made to take the deepest Root in them. Love and Fear are two great Springs of human Actions; both which must be maintained, both should by turns appear, but Love must be predominant. Would Parents make their Children good, let them daily instill into them that noble Motive, Love. Would they make their Children happy, let them prove they desire it, by shewing their Love to them. Would they make Duty a Pleasure, let them teach their Children to love it, by teaching them a chearful Obedience. In the whole Oeconomy of human Life nothing is so essential to Happiness as this Principle; for as all Actions are, or should be guided by some Principle or other, so those which have a generous well-directed Love for their Motive, bid fairest for attaining that genuine Happiness, which all aspire at, but so few find. Hence it is easy to see how necessary it is for Parents to cherish in their Children this great Principle of Virtue and Happiness; ’tis this keeps their Duty awake, and turns that into Ease and Joy, which otherwise would be a Burthen and a Pain; ’tis this that stems the Torrent of irregular Actions, and checks the rising Passions of our Children, by producing in them the opposite Effect, Fear; that is, a Fear of offending. Of all the important Steps necessary for forming the Minds of Children, and for conducting them thro’ Life with Happiness to themselves and others, nothing is more truly so, than the animating their Actions with well-tempered Affection; it makes them open, generous, and noble; and it takes off that Narrowness of Mind and Heart, so disadvantageous to themselves, and so detrimental to Society: for in proportion to the Affection they prove for their Parents, so much will they increase in what in their future Lives they bestow upon others. Children who love their Parents as they ought, will seldom fail to diffuse in social Life a general Affection around them; they will love their Husbands, their Wives, their Children, and their Friends: nay they will love the whole human Race, by promoting, in some Degree or other, the Good of every one within their Reach. Such are the Benefits arising from a Love founded on just Principles; such the Force of this Heaven-born Quality!

I have observed that Fear is another great Spring of human Actions; and were it only such a Fear as Love creates, it would be truly laudable. But Experience too sadly proves how much Mankind are actuated by a Fear of Pain, Disgrace, and Poverty; a Fear which, in it’s Nature, is servile, mean, and base; such as Parents should seriously endeavour to banish from their Children’s Breasts. It may be reasonably asked, whether this Baseness, this unworthy Fear, so visible in the Majority of Men, be natural or acquired? When we view indeed our Children in some Individuals, and see them forsake every generous Offer of being happy, and cling immoveably to sordid Meanness, we may, in these Instances, conclude it is Nature; but when we consider them in the Lump, and take a general Survey of the Principles which guide their Actions, we must surely own it is in great Measure acquired: that is, the Dignity of Man is debased, in an almost constant Succession from Father to Son, by the false Estimation we make of Happiness; by forsaking Reason’s purest Streams, to follow our corrupt Passions.

To evince this, let me here descend a little to Particulars. Parents desire their Children’s Happiness, (I say nothing of those Monsters who neither feel nor act the Parent’s Part) but how do they attempt to reach it? certainly in a Path the most remote from it. No sooner have Children a Place on the great Stage of the World, but their Will is irregularly cherished; before they know where they are, or know to what End they have a Being, their tender Minds are impressed with Principles as opposite to Happiness as Light to Darkness. Who first awakens in them a Spirit of Resentment and fierce Revenge, even before they can speak? Those who beat the Floor, the Chair, the Table, or whatever little Master has heedlessly run against, and hurt himself with. Who first inflames their Vanity, by kindling in them Self-admiration, and a Passion for Dress? Those who set out with teaching Miss to admire herself only because she is fine. Who is it raises in them a Thirst of Gain, an early, and a sordid Love of Money? Those who give a mean Reward the Preference to Virtue; or who, by direct or oblique Insinuations, persuade them that there is no Happiness but in Riches. Who, in a Word, exposes them to the Fury of every tempestuous Passion, by opening the Flood-gates of irregular Pleasures? Those who indulge them in every thing they ask; who never contradict their Humour, however irregular; or who neglect to curb their Passions, and subject them to Reason. From this View of the too general Conduct of Parents, we may with Reason infer that Fear, the Spring which actuates the Majority of Mankind, is more acquired than natural: for where inordinate Desires are cherished, a Fear of not obtaining what we wish, or of losing what we possess, produces many Actions unworthy ourselves: Actions not only unjustifiable, but which constitute certain Misery under the Mask of Happiness.

To obviate then these Evils, to prevent the Acquisition of a base, mean, unmanly Fear, and to lead Children into the Path to Happiness, let Parents, as I have before recommended, make Love take the deepest Root in them, but as Fear will naturally by turns prevail, let them with the warmest Zeal labour to make it a Fear dictated by Love, and guided by Reason.

But how shall this be effected unless Parents act on right Principles? The grand Obligations of Parents to their Children consist in teaching them a Knowledge of themselves, a Love of Duty, and a Love of Virtue. Whence it is evident, that the Attention of Parents to conduct their Children as they ought, is indispensably necessary, even to the third Stage of Life; but it is doubly so at the Beginning. It is a judicious Observation, that he who sets out wrong is half undone; and tho’ this holds good in the general Concerns of Life, yet it is no where more applicable than in the false Steps taken in the initiating our Children. For if Principles opposite to Self-knowledge, Duty and Virtue, are either created, inculcated, or cherished, where is the Wonder that Children prove the reverse of what was expected? or that while they seem to aim at Happiness they find themselves wretched?

Those who build with Judgment, are always careful to lay a solid Foundation. I will now hope that Parents are sensible that the general Practice in the Management of Children is erroneous; and the general Neglect of them unjustifiable. I will hope too, that I have here shewn, however imperfectly, that Virtue alone is the Basis on which their Happiness is to be raised. An early Obedience, a Love of Truth, a spotless Innocence, and a becoming Courage, tempered with Self-knowledge, make the Ground-work of my Design; of that genuine Manners I mean to recommend. The Edifice however is still to be rear’d; that is, other Virtues both general and particular are to be taught, and brought into Habit: the whole Frame of Mind and Heart must appear regular, orderly, and beautiful; not accidentally so, but resulting from Reflection; they must be eager to embrace Virtue, and watchful to shun Vice: in a Word, be always dispos’d to do what is right, and never, with Design, do what is wrong. Here perhaps I should throw aside my Pen: if I have been so happy as to convince Parents of their first Mistakes in this important Work; those once rectify’d, the rest may be supply’d by abler Guides: for I neither have, nor pretend to have, the Power requisite to display or enforce those Virtues, the Knowledge and Observance of which make up the Measure of our Duty.

But to awaken Parents still farther, I must observe, that teaching their Children all the moral Duties is not only their Province, but more or less their Obligation. A learned and ingenious _French_ Author says, that Parents are the best Instructors, if they themselves are well instructed. For, says he, “A Father who has but two or three accustom’d to respect him, finds no Difficulty in keeping them to their Duty. He has them constantly at home with him; he can take the Hours when they are most docible; he knows their Capacity, their Genius, and their Inclinations. He can instruct them at leisure, and allow the necessary Time for it.” And a little farther he adds; “What is here said of Fathers must in Proportion be understood of Mothers, principally in regard of their Daughters.” Here then I recommend to Parents that they do not content themselves with laying the Foundation, but labour on till the Superstructure is raised and the Design compleated. For as Men who justly aim at Reputation, and who desire to fill with Honour some Post or Profession, spare no Pains to qualify themselves for it; so those, who would fulfil the Design of Providence in making them Parents, must take care that they do not lead Children out upon the Stage of the World, and leave them to act their Part alone, till they have taught them those Duties that will best secure Happiness both to themselves and others.

It will still perhaps be expected that I should treat of the farther Means to effect this great End; but my Readers must remember, that besides my being unequal to the Task, besides my being confined to the Compass of a small Volume, these important Matters have already been handled by many abler Pens, to which I refer them. However, to answer in some measure a reasonable Expectation, and farther to prove the Sincerity of my Intentions, I will here touch on those Virtues which are universally allowed to be essentially necessary; and which all, who would be esteemed wise and good, must both know and practise.

We are now to suppose, that Children are considerably advanced; not only that their first Lessons were Obedience, but that their Minds have been tempered with Duty, and with such a Knowledge of Right and Wrong, as strongly to incline them to adhere to the one and avoid the other: we will suppose too, that their Reason, unblinded by Passion, has gained so much Strength as to be able to exert itself to advantage: that is, that those Perceptions and Distinctions, with many other things which natural Logic is capable of teaching, have so far improved their Understanding, and disposed their Will, that they are fitted to receive more important Lessons, and practise them when taught.