Chapter XII: Theater, Opera, and Concert-Hall 215 (3)

At a church wedding all the women appear in hats or bonnets, according to the modern custom. The guests wear handsome reception dress, especially if they are going on to the house of the bride’s parents. Those who are asked only to the ceremony wear their best street costume with white gloves. Where the ceremony is performed at the house in the evening, all wear evening dress and go without hats. For a home wedding in the daytime the guests retain these, but the bride’s mother and other members of the receiving-party appear without them.

A bride may prefer to be married quietly in traveling-dress. If this is the costume in which she intends actually to travel, it should be of material and color suitable for that purpose. A pretty and becoming shade should be selected, but not an extremely delicate one. Cloth or other woolen material is suitable for the cold months, a silken or woolen stuff of light weight for summer. A pretty hat and white gloves complete the costume, or, if preferred, these may correspond in color with the dress. A bride may, if she pleases, be married in a walking-suit of a very light color, changing this for a quieter dress before she starts on the wedding journey. In spite of the wide advertisement of our friend Miss Phœbe Snow, it is not in good taste to wear white in a railway car, except in the height of summer, when wash-dresses may be considered permissible on account of the heat. A bride who wears white on her wedding journey stamps herself as provincial. A young woman who is married in traveling-dress does not have bridesmaids. If she wishes to have a friend stand up with her, the latter also should be in street dress, with hat or bonnet.

GIFTS AND HOW TO PRESENT THEM

When a young couple are about to begin life together and to establish a new home, they are confronted at once with the unpleasant question of expense. To furnish their abode, however simply, takes a considerable sum of money. Hence, somewhere in the dim past the custom of making wedding-presents arose, friends assisting the bridal pair in the creation of a home of their own. Sound political economy as well as pleasant sentiment, therefore, underlies this usage. The welfare and prosperity of the individual home promote those of the larger home—the State.

In sending gifts to a young couple it is well to bear this truth in mind, for, although perfectly self-evident, it is often forgotten. We should try to select presents that will be of use to their recipients. Their value need not be merely material; it may be spiritual or esthetic. Beautiful pictures, books of solid and lasting interest, are as important features of a dwelling as chairs and tables. Silverware is a standard gift because of its usefulness. It has now grown so much cheaper, the price being less than half what it was some years ago, that almost any one can afford to send an article made of this metal. Some brides have been fairly overloaded with silver, receiving far more than they, in their modest homes, were able to use. Hence it is well to consult a member of the bride’s family or a near friend as to what she would really like to receive.

The main outfit of silver—a tea-service, one or more dozens of the different sizes of forks, knives, and spoons—are given by the immediate families of the bride and groom, when their means permit. Near relations—aunts, uncles, and cousins—sometimes join in the gift or supplement it with other needed articles of silverware. Friends also send large or small pieces in accordance with their means and with the needs of the young couple. The fashion of using ornamental and useful appliances made of this metal for the toilette-table, the desk, etc., has been so run into the ground, cheap imitations have become so common, that some other material is now preferred—ivory or tortoise-shell, for instance.

Jewelry is so dear to the heart of woman and forms so important a feature of dress that most brides like to receive it, even though it cannot be classed as a necessary part of their outfit. While an elderly friend may send a jewel, the privilege is denied to young unmarried men, unless they are relatives. This is an old rule of Mrs. Grundy, who also forbids the bestowal of any article of clothing by young bachelor friends. Bric-à-brac has mercifully gone out of fashion. It is permissible, however, to give “objects of art” that deserve the name. Intimate friends sometimes send a dozen of sheets with embroidered initials, or a set of handsome towels. The pretty articles of decorative table linen now so much in vogue, lunch-cloths, centerpieces, and doilies, make very charming wedding-gifts. China and glassware for the table may be both pretty and useful. Relatives and old family friends may send checks, if they choose.

When an article is marked, the maiden initials of the bride are used. The old custom of marking silver with the initials of the given names of both the bride and groom, together with that of the last name so soon to belong to them both, has been revived to some extent. If the article given is one likely to be duplicated, it is better not to have it marked, because the bride may wish to exchange it. Indeed, some thoughtful persons say frankly: “If you want to change this, pray do not hesitate to do so.” While sentiment makes us desire to keep the gift chosen by a friend, it is undeniably inconvenient to possess one dozen pepper-pots and not a single salt-cellar! Owing doubtless to the “total depravity of inanimate things,” there is almost sure to be an overplus of some article and a deficit of another.

The question is sometimes asked, “When and how shall I present my gift to the bride?”

The answer to the first query is, upon receipt of the invitation to the wedding or as soon after as is convenient. It may happen that on account of absence, illness, or some other good and sufficient reason the gift is delayed. In this case one need not hesitate to send it, with a note of explanation, after the marriage has taken place. The last gift is sometimes received several months or even a year after the day of the nuptials. Manifestly, however, it is best to send promptly.

There is no formal presentation, however. Only intimate friends are privileged to place the gift in the bride’s hands. For all others custom demands that it shall be sent—express prepaid, of course—to the house of her parents. The family and friends of the bridegroom conform to this rule, even when they are not personally acquainted with his fiancée. The groom occasionally receives a few gifts for his personal use, which are sent directly to him. The easiest, simplest, and best way of forwarding a wedding-present is to have it despatched from the store where it is purchased. In a large city the jeweler’s, silverware, and chinaware shops keep small envelopes and blank cards for use, in case the purchaser has omitted to bring her own visiting-card. On this the giver writes her name with a brief message, such as: “With the best wishes of ——,” “With love and best wishes,” or “Wishing you all possible happiness.” Married people use their joint card, “Mr. and Mrs. Stephen Curtis,” for this purpose. The salesman should be instructed to remove the price and to do the gift up in the daintiest manner, white ribbon being often employed. It is also wise for the sender to give him her address and ask to be notified of the due arrival of the gift. Since a receipt is now demanded by silversmiths and others, it would be an easy matter to give the purchaser this information, thereby saving anxiety to her and trouble to the bride’s family. The latter are often called up on the telephone by friends who have not at the moment received any acknowledgment of their present.

It is the pleasant duty of the bride to write promptly, thanking her friends cordially for the substantial expression of their good will. A charming young woman who was about to be married said to me, “I write at once on receiving a present; in this way I am sure to express the delight I feel at the moment.” It is quite possible to do this when the gifts begin to arrive. But as the time for the wedding draws near, a bride with a large circle of friends is sometimes overwhelmed by the great number of packages received in a single day. Those who send their presents within three or four days of the ceremony cannot expect to have them acknowledged speedily. If unable to write before her marriage, the bride should do so as soon afterward as possible. A careful record of all the gifts, with the names and addresses of the senders, should be made by some member of the family, as fast as they arrive. Bride-books come especially for the purpose, and will be found very convenient by those possessing a large circle of friends and acquaintances.

In acknowledging a wedding-present it is always well either to name the gift or to allude to it in some definite way, as for instance:

Your beautiful gift will not only make us think of you, but will
mark the passage of the hours and so help us to cultivate
punctuality.

Some persons imagine that an invitation to a wedding carries with it the obligation to make a present, and that those not asked give nothing. This is a mistake. It should rather be said that any one who is invited is at liberty, but not under any obligation, to send a gift. Relatives and intimate friends would do so, whether invited or not. Circumstances may make it imperative to have the ceremony performed very quietly and to omit the usual reception. It is true that many of those invited to the bride’s house send a gift, though by no means all. A young woman who has a large wedding will receive more presents than one who simply sends out announcement cards after the ceremony.

The family clergyman and physician are not expected to make gifts, for obvious reasons. Friends who are in mourning do so, even if unable to attend the wedding. The expense of the present should be in a certain proportion to the means of the giver. Those who are tempted to give something more expensive than they can afford should remember that it would be painful to a bride possessed of delicacy of feeling to think that she had overtaxed the generosity of a friend. If one cannot afford to spend much money, one should atone for it by giving plenty of thought to the selection of the gift. For this purpose it is well to consult some member of the family, or an intimate friend, about the bride’s tastes and wishes. A present that is carefully chosen to meet the needs of the recipient often gives more pleasure than a very expensive article selected at random. Business associates or those who are under obligations to either of the two families send gifts if they receive invitations.

The custom of displaying the presents on the day of the wedding has gone out of fashion in large cities. It is thought better to show them only to intimate friends, who are asked to call in an informal way shortly before the wedding-day. In country places the gifts are sometimes exhibited at the reception on the day of the marriage. They are usually set out in an up-stairs room, the cards of the givers being removed in order to prevent invidious comparisons.

The guests invited to a wedding may be few or many, as the bride’s family find convenient. If the ceremony is to take place at a large church, invitations are often sent to all those on the visiting-lists of the parents of both young people, as well as to the friends of the latter. Some gracious and thoughtful brides do not forget to send to certain persons not on their visiting-lists—humble friends who sincerely appreciate such a remembrance. If a young woman prefers to have only her relatives and near friends present at her marriage, she will probably please her fiancé, for men usually dislike very much the parade and show of a large wedding. Where only a limited circle are invited to attend the ceremony, general invitations are sometimes sent out for the reception following it. This arrangement can be made for either a home or a church wedding. The bride’s mother must be careful, however, not to overcrowd her rooms. In summer a country house may be readily enlarged by closing in the piazzas, or a large tent may be placed on the lawn. When the whole circle of friends and acquaintances have been invited to the church, there will be no cause for complaint if only relatives and intimate friends are asked to the reception.

Wedding invitations should be engraved on plain, heavy white paper of the best quality. The family crest in white is sometimes embossed on this. The envelopes match the paper and are without device or ornament. The following is a proper form:

_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
request the honor of your presence
at the marriage of their daughter
Louisa Alsop
to
Mr. James Otis Griswold
on the afternoon of Thursday,
the fourth of November,
at four o’clock
at the Church of the Disciples
Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street
New York_

Or a blank may be left and the name of the person invited be written in. If there are cards of admission to the church, they may read:

_Please present this card
at the Church of the Disciples
Amsterdam Avenue and Eightieth Street
on Thursday, the fourth of November_

If many guests are expected, a plan should be made of the church, showing how the numbers of the pews run. Relatives and friends are assigned to these in the order of their relationship or intimacy with the family, those nearest and dearest coming next to the altar. The number of the pew is written on the card of admission to the church. The ushers are provided with duplicate plans, giving the names of these special guests and the pews they are to occupy. Another method is to have cards engraved:

_Mr. and Mrs. . . .
will please present this card to an usher_

The latter can then look up the name on his list and see which pew has been assigned to that guest. The bride’s family and friends sit on the left of the middle aisle, those of the groom on the right.

The invitations to the reception are usually engraved on a large white card, according to the following formula:

_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
request the pleasure of your company_
[or of . . . .’_s company_]
_on Thursday, the fourth of November,
at half after four o’clock
at Seventeen Waverley Place_

The fashion of asking only a limited number of persons to the wedding and of sending out announcement cards afterward seems to be gaining in public favor. These cards are sent to the friends and acquaintances of the bride and groom and their parents. A proper form is:

_Mr. and Mrs. Amos Litchfield
have the honor of announcing
the marriage of their daughter
Margaret Louise
to
Mr. James Otis Griswold
on Thursday, the fourth of November,
One thousand nine hundred and fourteen
at Windymere
West Medford, Massachusetts_

The announcement is engraved on the same sort of paper as that used for wedding invitations. With it may be inclosed a card with the address of the newly married couple:

_Mr. and Mrs. James Otis Griswold
Will be at home Three hundred and four
after the twentieth West Fiftieth Street
of November New York_

Announcements are usually mailed immediately after the marriage. If the “At Home” cards are sent out with the invitations, they contain no name, but simply the statement:

_Will be at home
after the twentieth of November
at Forty-four East Fiftieth Street,
New York_

Or special reception days may be mentioned, as:

_Thursdays in December_.

The cards and all the other expenses of the wedding, with a few exceptions mentioned elsewhere, are paid for by the bride’s family.

A home wedding is of necessity a simpler affair than one celebrated at church. According to the good old custom, the clergyman came in first, a place being arranged for him at the head of the room facing the company. The bride and groom then entered arm-in-arm, taking up their position in front of the minister. At the conclusion of the ceremony the latter withdrew to one side and the newly married couple took his place, turning around to receive the congratulations of relatives and friends, those nearest and dearest greeting them first. It has been found convenient, however, to mark off with white ribbon an aisle down which the bride and groom pass. Young girls may hold the four ends, or these may be fastened. The cortège is sometimes a miniature copy of that seen in the church ceremonial. Thus the ushers may lead the procession, a bridesmaid or two entering next, the bride leaning on her father’s arm following them. With this arrangement the groom and best man enter a little beforehand, standing at the left of the clergyman. If the giving away of the bride is to be omitted, the procession may consist of the ushers, the best man, a bridesmaid, and the bride and groom, entering in the order named. There are often no bridesmaids at a house wedding.

The old marriage ceremony is so beautiful, so hallowed by tradition and sentiment, that we are inclined to cling to it, although some of its features are archaic remains of an older civilization. Now that so many women are independent citizens, earning their own living and, in many countries of Europe, as well as in ten States of our Union, voting and holding public office, it seems incongruous to have them “given away in marriage.” Even in conservative England the question of dropping the word “obey” from the service is now being agitated by no lesser personages than the bishops of the Established Church! We read that one of these dignitaries withdrew his motion to this effect because he saw that the ecclesiastical body was not yet ready to pass it.

The church selected for the wedding is usually the one which the bride and her family attend. If this is not large enough to hold the guests, another belonging to the same denomination is sometimes preferred. If the groom lives in the same town as the bride, he calls upon the clergyman and secures his services for the time when the ceremony is to be performed. If the fiancé lives at a distance, it may be more convenient to have the arrangement made by the bride’s family. In either event the groom pays the clergyman’s fee. This varies in amount with the former’s means and with the scale on which the whole affair is conducted. Since the question is left to his honor as a gentleman, he should surely reimburse the minister in a manner suited to his own dignity and to that of the occasion. It is in the worst possible taste to lavish money on decorating the sacred office in a resplendent manner and then repay its hospitality by handing its official head a small and wholly inadequate sum. For a large and handsome wedding the organist receives twenty-five dollars and the clergyman should be given fifty dollars. If the bridegroom is a rich man, he sometimes doubles this sum. For a small and quiet wedding, the fee would vary from ten to twenty-five dollars. Five dollars is said to be the minimum. The fee is inclosed in an envelope and handed to the best man. It may consist of gold, new bank-bills, or a check. The last-named has obvious advantages, for an absent-minded best man sometimes forgets to give the missive to the clergyman. Gold pieces are often preferred, however, since the old English custom prescribed that the groom should lay these and the wedding-ring on the open prayer-book held by the clergyman. The bridegroom also pays for the ring. If the wedding is to take place at church, he provides the conveyance which will take him and the best man there, bringing the latter to the bride’s house for the reception or breakfast. Should the weather be bad or the distance so great as to call for carriages for the ushers, he provides these also, as well as the carriage in which he and the bride start on their honeymoon trip. He has no other expenses connected with the wedding, except the bouquets, souvenirs, etc., spoken of elsewhere.

The sexton, organist, and florist should all be notified in good season. The former will, if it is requested, have an awning and carpet between the church door and the curb. For a large wedding he will need assistants to open the doors of the vehicles as they drive up, to receive the cards of admission, to keep the line moving so that the street will not be blocked, to call the carriages afterward, and to protect the entrance from too great pressure by the admiring onlookers. The Press has had some sad stories about the rude behavior, the pushing and crowding of the multitude, when certain much-advertised weddings took place. Such rudeness is greatly to be deplored. It occurs to the philosopher that a simple and easy way to avoid the presence of these ill-bred throngs would be to have the religious ceremony conducted in a quieter and simpler manner. Men and women, particularly the latter, are always anxious to behold a much-heralded spectacle. The organist should be told of the musical selections made by the bride. Sometimes he plays a subdued accompaniment during the marriage ceremony. According to a pleasant modern custom, the flowers are sent from the church to hospitals after the wedding. Some competent person is specially employed to attend to this distribution.

It is contrary both to good manners and to the laws of the land to have any rehearsal of the marriage ceremony. One of the procession often takes place a day or two in advance. The head usher sets the pace, which should be rather slow, but not funereal. A young girl who was given away in marriage by her grandfather not long ago was heard to whisper to the latter, as they went up the aisle, “Not so fast, grandpa! Not so fast!” If the bride dislikes the idea of taking part in the rehearsal, she may be replaced by a friend.

The head usher may be called the master of ceremonies at the church. He or one of his assistants should be there early to see that everything is properly arranged. All the ushers should be in their places three-quarters of an hour or more before the time named for the wedding. They stand at the entrance to the aisles and escort the guests to the seats assigned them. Formerly a barrier of white ribbon or flowers marked off the seats in the middle aisle reserved for the relatives and special friends. It is now thought better not to fence off the aisle in this way, but simply to indicate the division by means of a bow or a bunch of flowers.

If the guests have cards on which their names or the numbers of the pews they are to occupy are written, they do not give these up at the door, but retain them to show to the usher. Where there are no such cards for his guidance, he inquires the name and consults his list or his memory. If he is not sure on which side the guest belongs, he asks whether the latter is a friend of the bride or of the groom. The head usher, who is stationed in the middle aisle, usually has some acquaintance with most of the chief guests.

The groom and best man arrive in good season, remaining in the vestry or robing-room until after the clergyman has appeared upon the scene. They then emerge from their concealment and stand at the back of the chancel, waiting for the arrival of the bridal cortège. The bride’s mother does not form part of this, but is escorted to her place by an usher shortly before its appearance. In the mean time the bridesmaids repair in their carriages to the house of the bride, in order that all may start together for the church. She and her father should be ready at the hour agreed upon, their carriage bringing up the rear of the little procession. As it approaches the church, the ushers close in the pews of the middle aisle by carrying a white ribbon down either side of it. This should not be removed until the bridal party has driven away at the conclusion of the ceremony. As the carriages of the bridal party appear, the ushers see that all doors are closed from the vestibule into the church, as well as those leading into the street, excepting that by which the cortège is to enter. The head bridesmaid, or the maid of honor, spreads out the bride’s train, unless this is done by a special attendant.

The procession then forms, the doors of the central aisle are thrown open, and the organist plays the wedding march. The ushers come first, walking in pairs; the bridesmaids follow, then the maid of honor, and last of all the bride with her father. The bridegroom comes forward, takes the bride’s hand, and leads her before the clergyman. Half the bridesmaids and ushers now turn to the left and take up their places near the bridal couple, the other half do the same on the right, the girls standing on the inside, the men on the outside. If there is a maid of honor, she should be at the bride’s left; if there is none, then the first bridesmaid takes this position in order to help her friend pull off her left glove when the ring is to be put on, to remove the veil from her face at the close of the ceremony, and to see that her train is properly arranged as she starts to walk down the aisle.

If the bride and groom are to kneel down, it is well to provide hassocks for the purpose. The bridesmaids and ushers remain standing, however. Something of a sensation was caused at a recent fashionable wedding in Boston when an emotional young man knelt down, to the consternation of his fellows. The other ushers were obliged to follow suit, the twelve going down upon their knees in a semicircle. The father of the bride remains standing a little behind the young couple, until the clergyman asks who gives her away. He then steps forward and places her right hand in that of the clergyman, who in turn puts it in the groom’s right hand. This is in accordance with the ritual of the Episcopal Church. Sometimes the father intimates his consent merely by bowing, but the first mentioned is the better way. His part in the ceremony now being at an end, he retires to the pew where his wife is sitting. If the bride’s father is not living, her oldest brother or nearest male relative gives her away. A widowed mother sometimes performs this office.

Guests should come to the church in good season, so that they may be settled quietly in their places before the arrival of the bridal party. To come at the last moment is not according to good form. At the conclusion of the ceremony they should remain in the pews until the wedding procession and the near relations have passed out. Those who have received invitations to the reception then go to the house of the bride’s parents. It is well not to hasten there too rapidly, however, as the bridal party will need a few moments to arrange themselves. As the bride’s mother is the hostess of the occasion, she and the father may stand near the door of the drawing-room so as to greet the guests as they enter. Strangers ask the ushers to present them. All then pass on to the end of the apartment, where the bride and groom stand together, the bridesmaids being on the right of the former; or they may be divided in the same way as at the church, half on either side of the young couple. The groom’s parents stand near by. The other guests should be presented to them.

The bride greets all cordially, shaking hands with them and presenting to her husband those with whom he is not acquainted. Only near relations and intimate friends are privileged to kiss the bride. At a large wedding reception there is not time to say much to the newly married couple, as the line passes on rapidly. Where there is only a friendly acquaintance, it suffices to say, “I wish you every possible happiness,” or something of the sort. If the presents are on exhibition, the guests go up-stairs to see them and then pass on into the dining-room. This method of having the company go forward in line should be adopted where many people are present. It is quicker than the old custom, in accordance with which the best man and ushers escorted the guests up to the bride and groom and the parents. These young men are always on hand, however, acting as masters of ceremony. They introduce strangers to the bride and groom and ask people to go into the dining-room. There they wait upon the ladies who are without escort. The collation is served from a large central table in the dining-room. Some caterers arrange a buffet at the side, thus taking up less space. For a large reception the bill of fare would comprise bouillon, salads, croquettes, oysters in their season, ices, little cakes, and coffee. Birds and other delicacies are sometimes added. If wine is served it is usually champagne. For a wedding in the country the menu may be much simpler, chicken salad, sandwiches, ice-cream, and coffee, for instance. Indeed, it is perfectly proper, where only a few friends are invited, to offer cake and wine alone.

The bride and groom remain in their places until all the guests have had an opportunity to greet them. This means that they will stay there during the greater part of the reception, if many persons are present. Where the wedding is not a large one they repair to the dining-room, or refreshments may be brought to them in the drawing-room. In the former case the best man or some near friend proposes their health, all honoring the toast by standing, glass in hand, and taking at least a sip of the wine. The bride remains during an hour or more of the reception, and then withdraws to assume her traveling-dress. A sister, the maid of honor, or one or more of the bridesmaids help her to do this, while the mother comes in before her daughter is ready to leave the room. The last good-by is, of course, for this dear parent. The maid of honor and the best man do what they can to facilitate the escape of the young couple from the friends who are waiting in the front hall to bombard them with rice, confetti, or flowers. This method of saluting the bride and groom is so well established that it seems best to accept it philosophically and good-naturedly. Some young men are not satisfied with rice or confetti throwing, but indulge in a rowdyism of behavior that cannot be too strongly condemned. The bride creates a diversion by dropping her bouquet from the elevator or the top of the stairs. Her young women friends scramble for it, the person who catches it being sure to marry within the year, according to the old superstition.

Where the marriage takes place at noon, a wedding breakfast may be arranged for the bridal party alone, or for as many guests as the house will hold comfortably. In the warm season the veranda and lawns of a country house are also utilized. The breakfast may be served “en buffet” as at a reception, or the company may be seated at one or more tables, in accordance with the number present. The latter is the more elegant method, but requires more service. If many persons are invited, there is usually a large central table ornamented with white flowers for the bridal party, with smaller ones for the rest of the company. When the collation is ready the groom gives his arm to the bride and leads the way to the dining-room, followed by the bride’s father with the groom’s mother, the groom’s father with the bride’s mother, the best man with the maid of honor or first bridesmaid, and the other bridesmaids, each being escorted by an usher. Sometimes the clergyman who performs the marriage ceremony takes in the bride’s mother, allowing the others to precede them as a hostess would at a dinner. In this case the groom’s father takes in the bride’s aunt or some other member of her family. The newly married couple sit side by side at the head of the table, the bride’s mother sitting at the foot, between the groom’s father and the clergyman.

According to another arrangement, the bride’s father with the groom’s mother sits beside his daughter, the bride’s mother with the groom’s father coming next to the bridegroom. Half the bridesmaids and ushers sit on each side of the table. If the newly married couple sit in the middle of one side instead of at the head, the bridesmaids and ushers are placed opposite to them. Should the size of the table permit and the bride’s mother so desire, other relatives or friends may be placed there. Indeed, at a small breakfast all the guests are seated at one table. In this case it is well to have place-cards. At a large wedding the guests not belonging to the bridal party follow the latter into the dining-room, entering without formality. Sometimes the small tables are arranged in the adjoining rooms and in the hall. No place-cards are used for these.

The breakfast is served in courses, ending with after-dinner coffee; it is usually accompanied by champagne. It is according to old tradition to have the bride cut the cake; but she does nothing more than to insert the knife, the attendants dividing it into slices and handing these about. The most sensible way of distributing the cake is to have it packed in boxes beforehand by the caterer. These are arranged on a table in the front hall, a servant handing a box to each person as he leaves. At the close of the repast, the health of the bride and groom is proposed by the best man, by the father of the groom, or by an old family friend. The father of the bride or the bridegroom himself sometimes responds. If any speeches are to be made, the speakers should be notified beforehand. At the conclusion of these or of the toasts the bride retires to put on her traveling-dress.

Where the two families who are about to be united by marriage live at a distance from each other, the bride’s parents should invite the groom’s father and mother or other near relatives to stay with them. Should it not be convenient to exercise this personal hospitality, they should engage rooms at a hotel for these out-of-town guests. In the country or in a suburban town the bride’s aunts, cousins, and near friends throw open their houses and entertain as many of the wedding-party as they can. For the remainder, accommodations are secured at the local inn or at a boarding-house. All this should be definitely arranged beforehand. Each lady who has kindly consented to act as a hostess should write a personal note of invitation to the guests allotted to her, asking them to stay at her house or apartment. She should inquire at what time they will arrive, and should go to meet the ladies, or send some one to do so, on their arrival at the station. If she possesses an automobile or a carriage or can borrow one, she will go in that. It is courteous to send a conveyance to meet the gentlemen also; but it is not necessary, as men can usually take care of themselves. The bride’s parents thus exercise a vicarious hospitality, in addition to doing what they can personally to make the visitors welcome. They will, if possible, invite the friends from a distance to their house on the day preceding the marriage. The entertainment may take the form of a dinner, or the guests may be asked to come in the evening very informally. The bride’s family should greet them all with much cordiality. Simple refreshments such as lemonade, coffee, or ice-cream with cake may be served. The presents may be on view in a room up-stairs.

The bride’s parents do not pay the hotel bills of friends and relatives coming to the wedding from a distance, unless they have invited the latter to come as their guests. They may assume this expense if they please, but it is in no way obligatory for them to do so. When a wedding takes place in the neighborhood of a large city and many of the guests come by train, the bride’s family should make sure that there are conveyances at the station to bring to the house or church persons who cannot well walk. If the weather is good, and the street-cars pass conveniently near, only a few carriages may be needed. If the bride’s father is a man of means, he will engage vehicles of some sort to meet the train and transport all the guests at his expense. Special cars or special trains are sometimes provided for out-of-town weddings. In this case persons receiving invitations should respond promptly and definitely, in order that the host may know what railroad and other accommodations will be necessary.

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VII

PUBLIC DINNERS AND RECEPTIONS

Luncheons of Women’s Clubs—Duties of Dinner and Reception Committees—Arrangements in Suburban Towns—The Courteous and the Discourteous Guest—Evening Dress and Demi-toilette.

THERE are several definitions of the phrase “a public dinner.” We may hold that it means only those large general functions, usually of a political nature, which are virtually open to the public on payment of a certain sum at a stated time. Or we may give the term a much broader application and include under it all dinners that are not private, such as the banquets of clubs and societies, to which tickets are purchased by members of the organization and their friends. In this chapter the phrase is used in its broader and more general meaning.

A public dinner is usually a subscription affair, all paying for their tickets except the specially invited guests. These are of two classes—namely, the persons invited by the association or club as a whole, and those who are asked by the individual members. An invitation to subscribe is sent to all who are likely to be interested in the object of the occasion, or to a small and select circle, as the case may demand. If this is to contain full information, a double sheet of white note-paper should be used. It may be ornamented with a suitable device, such as the national flag or a likeness of the hero of the day. The matter may be engraved, or printed, if the work is done in thoroughly good style. Plain black type of two or three sizes, but all in the same style, has a very good effect.

The formula for the first page may be as follows:

_You are invited to attend
The Second Annual
WASHINGTON’S BIRTHDAY DINNER
of the
REPUBLICAN PARTY_

_to be held at the
WALDORF-ASTORIA

Fifth Avenue and Thirty-third Street
New York City
Monday evening, February twenty-third
Nineteen hundred and fifteen
at seven o’clock_

_Ladies are invited_

The second page may contain the list of speakers and their subjects. On the third page additional information may be inserted, as, for instance:

_NOTICE_

_The dinner will be served at 7:15
P.M. sharp, and will end at 11:15
P.M. sharp. As it will be run on
schedule time, you may depend on
both hours._

_Tickets will be $5.00 each; the
tables seat ten._

_Please reply on the inclosed
blank. Checks should be made
payable to John Doe, Treasurer,
and sent to him at 32 Amsterdam
Avenue, New York City, Telephone
3789 Spring._

_Those sending in their remittances
at once will receive a preference
in the seating._

The names of the members of the Dinner Committee follow. Where it is unnecessary to set forth the attractions of the affair in order to procure subscribers, the list of the speakers and committeemen may be omitted. A printed subscription-blank and envelope addressed to the treasurer are inclosed. The plan of sending tickets without first obtaining permission to do so is strongly objected to by most people, and with good reason.

The general committee may be divided into two or three smaller ones—namely, the committees of arrangements, of invitations, and of the floor. All act as a reception committee on the evening of the dinner, and all wear badges. They thus show their authority and enable guests to appeal to them for information. It is important that efficient persons shall be chosen as chairmen and vice-chairmen. The latter, like the vice-president of the United States, may be called upon to fulfil the duties of the higher office. Where there are several committees it is well for their heads to meet together from time to time, in order to make sure that the sphere of each is well defined, that all the ground is covered, and that there is no duplication of work.

The main responsibility, however, rests with the chairman of the general or dinner committee, who often does the greater part of the work. He it is who must consult with the _maître d’hôtel_. Together they select a day and decide upon the menu. The Waldorf-Astoria is the favorite place for men’s public dinners. It is so much in demand for this purpose that the date of a function is decided months or even a year in advance. About twenty-five per cent, in addition to the price of the dinner must be allowed for music, fee to head waiter, and other incidentals. Thus, if the entertainment is to cost four dollars, the price of the tickets should be five dollars; if the dinner costs two dollars, two dollars and a half should be charged.

When the affair takes place at a first-class hotel there is little cause for anxiety, as the management furnish the articles of the bill of fare and the service, and are responsible for both. When the dinner is held at a hall, the chairman of the dinner committee should employ a caterer of established reputation who can be trusted to supply food of the proper quality and quantity, as well as a sufficient number of trained waiters under the control of a competent head man. This functionary should be present at the dinner and direct his subordinates as occasion may require.

While modern standards of taste do not demand such a number of courses as were formerly provided, it is essential that the dishes should be good of their kind, and that the supply should be large enough to meet all reasonable requirements. It is certainly desirable to have the service rapid, but guests should have a little patience, for all cannot be served at once. To bribe the waiters at an occasion of this sort is “bad form,” since it is unfair to the other guests and may result in utter demoralization of the service. Some people eat their dinner before they leave home, attending the public function only for its social side and for the pleasure of hearing the speeches. With regard to feeing the waiters at a public dinner, it should be said that at a first-class hotel the management allows no intimations or hints to be made on this subject. Each guest does as he sees fit in the matter—the feeing is optional and personal, not collective. The placing of a plate on the table and thus holding up the diners is sometimes seen in out-of-town places, but is contrary to good form. It may be said that at large public dinners in New York about half the men fee the waiters. Wine is not included in the menu on these occasions. Those who order it do so at their own expense, and usually give a tip. Twenty-five cents is expected for a bottle of champagne, ten or fifteen cents for white wine or claret.

In order to insure good results, the committee of arrangements should, after consultation with their caterer, fix a certain day or hour after which they will refuse to receive subscriptions. The temptation to admit additional guests at the last moment should be firmly resisted. In New York City, hotels usually refuse to arrange for the seating of additional guests after three o’clock of the day of the banquet. In country places it is necessary to give much longer notice. At the luncheons of the State Federations of Women’s Clubs great discomfort ensues when the delegates do not conform to the rules, but arrive in large numbers without giving the required notice to the entertainment committee. If the place of meeting is in some quiet country town, the latter find it difficult or impossible to procure additional supplies of food, yet they dislike very much to send the visitors away hungry. The result is often delay, confusion, and dissatisfaction. If a public dinner is held in a place of this sort, where no good caterer is available, some local organization of women—those belonging to a certain church or league—may be asked to furnish the entertainment. If they are capable persons and have had some experience in work of this sort, the result will be satisfactory. A simpler bill of fare would, in this instance, replace the more elaborate provisions of the professional caterer.

Small tables seating from six to ten guests are now preferred to the long ones formerly in vogue. Eight is the number usually selected. The table for the speakers and guests of honor is placed on a platform in the middle of one end of the room. It is handsomely decorated and has seats on three sides only, the fourth being left vacant, so that the speakers can see and be seen. The president or chairman sits in the middle, the most distinguished guest on his right, the person of next consideration on his left. If both men and women are at the table, their seats should, so far as possible, alternate. A name-card is set at each place, together with the bill of fare, engraved or nicely printed. When the guests are assigned to small numbered tables, place-cards are not used, but each guest is furnished with a menu.

The committee of arrangements should provide one or more cloak-rooms, with attendants to check the various articles of clothing. If ladies are invited, there should be a special dressing and cloak room for their use, also an awning and carpet at the entrance if the weather is bad. A man will be needed to help the ladies from their carriages and to call these at the close of the entertainment.

Members of the floor or reception committee, wearing their badges, should be on hand to direct the guests and to prevent as far as possible congestion in the hallways; or employees of the hotel may be stationed in the corridors for this purpose. The dinner is usually preceded by an informal reception of half or three-quarters of an hour, in order to give all an opportunity to meet the chief guests or chief speaker. It is held in one of the parlors of the establishment, the president of the organization, the chairman of the dinner committee, or the toastmaster standing with the chief guest at the head of the room. It is the duty of the members of the reception committee to see that all are presented to this distinguished couple. They move about the rooms, capturing and bringing up those guests who have not yet spoken to the hosts of the evening. They inquire the names of men with whom they are not personally acquainted and introduce them to the president, who shakes hands and in turn presents them to the guest of honor.

At the receptions of women’s clubs there is often a receiving-line consisting of the officers of the body, and sometimes one or more distinguished guests. The club members and their friends go up and shake hands with the president, who introduces them to the guest of honor. It is not necessary to speak to all in the receiving-party, unless one is personally acquainted with them. Where many persons are present they usually go up in line. A member of the floor committee may introduce them to the hostess of the evening. If there is no one to perform this office for her, a guest should pronounce her own name. It is the custom in some clubs to receive merely with a gracious bow or courtesy, the president shaking hands only with her personal friends. In this case a guest who does not know any of the ladies makes a low bow to include them all, and passes on.

When there is no regular reception, the company gather in the drawing-rooms and chat together until the doors are opened into the dining-room. The president and chief guest go first, the other guests of honor follow, each escorted by a member of the reception committee. The remainder of the company do not form in line, but enter as they find convenient. At certain clubs—the National Arts of New York, for instance—the gentlemen give their arms to the ladies, as they would at a dinner in a private house. Members of the society should inform their guests beforehand of this custom. If a gentleman has two ladies under his care, and is unable to find an escort for either of them, he should offer his arm to the elder, the younger walking beside her. Occasionally it is arranged at a public dinner to have all go directly from the dressing-rooms to the dining-hall. This saves the rent of parlors; but it is much better to have a reception of some sort precede the banquet.

There are several ways of letting people know where their places are. Sometimes the number of the table is printed on the ticket, and on entering the dining-room it is only necessary to hunt up the corresponding numerals. These are painted conspicuously on large cards standing on the various tables. It is a better, though more expensive, plan to print on large sheets of paper the list of guests, arranged alphabetically, and the number of the table at which each person is to sit. These are distributed to everybody. Unfortunately, at the conventions of some associations the members do not decide to attend the dinner until such a late hour of the day that the unlucky committee of arrangements are obliged to spend the afternoon planning where all are to sit. A few lists hastily printed are fastened up in the assembly-room, and around these the men gather in flocks to try to ascertain where their seats are. If these are in a remote part of the hall, the guest should make no comment, but should accept the arrangements made for him without complaint. The courteous man does so, while the discourteous one grumbles and perhaps tries to have his seat changed. I am sorry to say that some persons who ought to know better think that it is “smart” to rush in ahead of others, and to seize a place that belongs of right to some one else. The man who thus trespasses on the laws of good-breeding shows that he is not smart, but only imperfectly civilized. If every one followed his example there would be an end to law and order, and we should return to barbarism. Since it is usual for all to leave their tables and draw near to the speakers at the conclusion of the banquet, a distant seat is not necessarily a serious drawback to one’s enjoyment.