Chapter II: Lydia Grenfell (3)

I am now fully of opinion that, were I convinced of the
expediency of marriage, I ought not in conscience to propose it,
while the obstacle of S.J. remains. Whatever others have said, I
think that Lydia acts no more than consistently by persevering
in her present determination. I confess, therefore, that till
this obstacle is removed my path is perfectly clear, and,
blessed be God! I feel very, very happy in all that my God shall
order concerning me. Let me suffer privation, and sorrow and
death, if I may by these tribulations enter into the kingdom of
God. Since we have been lying here I have been enjoying a peace
almost uninterrupted. The Spirit of adoption has been drawing me
near to God, and giving me the full assurance of His love. My
prayer is continually that I may be more deeply and habitually
convinced of His unchanging, everlasting love, and that my whole
soul may be altogether in Christ. The Lord teaches me to desire
Christ for my all in all--to long to be encircled in His
everlasting arms, to be swallowed up in the fulness of His love.
Surely the soul is happy that thus bathes in a medium of love. I
wish no created good, but to be one with Him and to be living
for my Saviour and Lord. Oh, may it be my constant care to live
free from the spirit of bondage, and at all times have access to
the Father. This I now feel, my beloved cousin, should be our
state--perfect reconciliation with God, perfect appropriation of
Him in all His endearing attributes, according to all that He
has promised. This shall bear us safely through the storm. Oh,
how happy are we in being introduced to such high privileges!
You and my dear brother, and Lydia, I rejoice to think, are
often praying for me and interested about me. I have, of course,
much more time and leisure to intercede for you than you for
me--and you may be assured I do not fail to employ my superior
opportunities in your behalf. Especially is it my prayer that
the mind of my dear cousin, formed as it is by nature and by
grace for higher occupations, may not be rendered uneasy by the
employments and cares of this.

Hearing nothing accurately of the India fleet after its departure from Mount's Bay, Lydia Grenfell thus betrayed to herself and laid before God her loving anxiety:

_1805, September 24._--Have I not reason ever, and in all
things, to trust and bless God? O my soul, why dost thou yield
to despondency? why art thou disquieted? O my soul, put thy
trust in God, assured that thou shalt yet praise Him, who is the
help of thy countenance and thy God in Christ Jesus. My mind is
under considerable anxiety, arising from the uncertainty of my
dear friend's situation, and an apprehension of his being ill.
Oh, how soon is my soul filled with confusion! yet I find repose
for it in the love of Jesus--oh, let me then raise my eyes to
Him, and may His love be shed abroad in my heart; make me in all
things resigned to Thy will, to trust and hope and rejoice in
Thee.

_November 1._--My dear absent friend has too much occupied my
thoughts and affections, and broken my peace--but Jesus reigns
in providence and grace, and He does all things well. Yes, in my
best moments I can rejoice in believing this, but too often I
yield to unbelieving fears and discouragements. The thought that
we shall meet no more sinks at times my spirits, yet I would say
and feel submissive--Thy will be done. Choose for my motto, on
entering my thirty-first year, this Scripture: 'Our days on the
earth are as a shadow, and there is none abiding.'

_November 4._--I think of my friend, but blessed be God for not
suffering my regard to lead me from Himself.

_November 16._--I have been employed to-day in a painful manner,
writing[15] (perhaps for the last time) to too dear a friend. I
have to bless God for keeping me composed whilst doing so, and
for peace of mind since, arising from a conviction that I have
done right; and oh, that I may now be enabled to turn my thought
from all below to that better world where my soul hopes
eternally to dwell. Blessed Lord Jesus, be my strength and
shield. Oh, let not the enemy harass me, nor draw my affections
from Thee.

_November 17._--Felt great depression of spirits to-day, from
the improbability of ever seeing H.M. return. I feel it
necessary to fly to God, praying for submission to His will, and
to rest assured of the wisdom and love of this painful event. O
my soul, rise from these cares, look beyond the boundary of
time. Oh, cheering prospect, in that blest world where my
Redeemer lives I shall regain every friend I love--with
Christian love again. Be resigned then, my soul, Jesus is thine,
and He does all things well.

FOOTNOTES:

[10] Deposited by Henry Martyn Jeffery, Esq., in the Truro Museum of the Royal Institution, where the MS. may be consulted.

[11] Hitherto unpublished. We owe the copy of this significant letter to the courtesy of H.M. Jeffery, Esq., F.R.S., for whom Canon Moor, of St. Clement's, near Truro, procured it from the friend to whom Mrs. T.M. Hitchins had given it.

[12] _Essays in Ecclesiastical Biography._

[13] The _Observations on the State of Society among the Asiatic Subjects of Great Britain_, written in 1792.

[14] The parallel between Henry Martyn and David Brainerd, so close as to spiritual experience and missionary service, hereditary consumption and early death, is even more remarkable in their hopeless but purifying love. Brainerd was engaged to Jerusha, younger daughter of the great Jonathan Edwards. 'Dear Jerusha, are you willing to part with me?' said the dying missionary on October 4, 1747.... 'If I thought I should not see you and be happy with you in another world, I could not bear to part with you. But we shall spend a happy eternity together!' See J.M. Sherwood's edition (1885) of the _Memoirs of Rev. David Brainerd_, prefaced by Jonathan Edwards, D.D., p. 340.

[15] This letter never reached its destination, but was captured in the Bell Packet.