Chapter I: Part 1

HOW TO SOLVE CONUNDRUMS,

CONTAINING
ALL THE LEADING CONUNDRUMS
OF
THE DAY,
AMUSING RIDDLES, CURIOUS
CATCHES,
AND
WITTY SAYINGS.

A COMPLETE BOOK.

New York:
FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,
24 UNION SQUARE.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1900, by
FRANK TOUSEY,
in the Office of the Librarian of Congress at
Washington, D. C.

How to Solve Conundrums.

What games are most played by soldiers? Hazard and picket!

How do you spell "blind pig" in two letters? P G--pig without an I!

Why is Great Britain like Palestine? Because it's the Holy Land (whole island).

What is the difference between the earth and the sea? One is dirty, the other tidy.

Why was Blackstone like an Irish vegetable? Because he was a common tatur.

What part of your ear would be the most essential for a martial band? The drum.

High-toned--a church bell.

When is a soldier like a carpenter? When he is going to drill.

When does a farmer have the best opportunity of overlooking his pigs? When he has a sty in his eye!

Why is the letter K like a pig's tail? Because it's at the end of pork!

Why is a sporting clergyman like a soldier who runs from battle? Because he departs from his sphere of action.

If a Colt's pistol has six barrels, how many ought a horse pistol to have? Give it up.

If a bee could stand on its hind legs, what blessing would it invoke? A bee-attitude!

What prevents a running river running right away? Why, it's tied up!

What was the color of the wind and waves in a storm? The wind blue--the waves rose.

A modern spinning-wheel--the bicycle.

How can you, by changing the pronunciation of a word only, turn mirth into crime? By making man's laughter man-slaughter!

Why are convicts like old maids going to be married? Because they go off in transports!

State the difference between a grocer selling a pound of sugar, and an apothecary's boy with a pestle and mortar? One weighs a pound, the other pounds away.

Why is a rumseller's trade a profitable one to follow? Because, by conducting it with good spirits, he has more bargains than most others, and all his drafts (draughts) are paid.

Why are two young ladies kissing each other an emblem of Christianity? Because they are doing unto each other as they would men should do unto them!

What is the best day for making pan-cakes? Fri-day!

Why am I, when prudently laying by money, like myself when foolishly squandering it? Because in either case I am--ass!

What word is it which, by changing a single letter, becomes its own opposite? United; untied.

Why, if a man has a gallery of paintings, may you pick his pockets? Because he has picked-yours (pictures)!

Why is a pair of skates like an apple? Because they have both occasioned the fall of man.

Inform us concerning the difference which exists between a soldier fighting in battle and one who has had his legs shot off? One will discharge his musket, the other mus' get his discharge.

Who was Jonah's tutor? The whale that brought him up!

What evidence have we that Adam used sugar? Because he raised Cain.

What is that which is put on the table and cut, but never eaten? A pack of cards.

What is the difference between a horse who, being entered for a race, is withdrawn, and one who starts in a race and is beaten? One fails to start, and the other starts to fail.

What is that thing, and the name of a bird, which, if we had not, we should die? A swallow.

What other edifice does a man sometimes carry about with him besides a sty in his eye! A castle in the (h)air!

What word it is of only three syllables which combines in it twenty-six letters? Alphabet.

If I were to see you riding on a donkey, what fruit should I be reminded of? A pair!

What flowers are there between a lady's nose and chin? Two-lips!

O and P run a race; we bet upon O, but P wins; why are we then like the fragrant Latakiah which is given us when we ask for the homely bird's-eye? Because it was wrong tobacco (to back O).

Why is a woman's beauty like a ten-dollar greenback? Because when once changed it soon goes!

What part of Spain does our cat, sleeping by herself on the hearth-rug, resemble? Cat-alone here! (Catalonia).

Why is an egg like a colt? Because it isn't fit for use till it's broken.

Why is a fashionable woman like a successful gambler? Because she has such winning ways.

When does a lady think her husband a Hercules? When he can't get on without his "club!"

A member of the Travelers' wants to know what dish he must have ordered for dinner to be like one journeying to Tangier? We say he must be going to Africa see ('ave fricassee).

Why is a girl like an arrow? Because she is sure to be in a quiver till her beau comes, and can't go off without one.

What letter in the Dutch alphabet will name an English lady of title? A Dutch--S.

When is a secret like a paint-brush? When it's in violet (inviolate).

Why is green grass like a mouse? Because the cattle eat it (cat'll eat it).

Why is tea more generally drunk now than a year or two back? Because, having got rid of the garroters, we are less accustomed to choke-o'-late (chocolate).

When is a superb woman like bread? When given as a toast.

There's a word composed of three letters alone
Which reads backwards and forwards the same;
It expresses the sentiments warm from the heart,
And to beauty lays principal claim!

Eye.

Why is it impossible for a swell who lisps to believe in the existence of young ladies? Because he calls every Miss a Myth.

Why is the isthmus of Suez like the first _u_ in "cucumber?" Because it's between two seas.

What Christian name, besides Anna, reads the same both ways? Hannah.

When is a cigar like a shoulder of pork? When it is _smoked_.

A Fiddle D.D.--A doctor of divinity who plays the violin.

Why is a whisper like a forged $5 note? Because it's uttered--but not aloud (allowed).

What river is ever without a beginning and ending? S-ever-n.

Which is the coldest river? The Ice is (Isis).

When a boy falls into the water, what is the first thing he does? He gets wet!

When can an Irish servant answer two questions at the same time? When asked, "What o'clock, and where's the cold chicken?" if she replies, "Sure it's ate!"

Who was the first man condemned to hard labor for life? Adam.

What, oh! what is a kiss? A receipt given you by a lady on paying your addresses.

What herb is most injurious to a lady's beauty? Thyme.

When does a man have to keep his word? When no one will take it.

When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_.

Why are hogs more intelligent than humans? Because they nose (knows) everything?

Why is the French cook at the Union Club like a man sitting on the top of a shot-tower? Because they are both in a high cool an' airy (culinary) situation!

Why does a puss purr? For an obvious pur-puss.

Talking about colts (pistols, revolvers, etc.), how is it that guns can kick when they have no legs? Why, they kick with their breeches, of course.

What plant is fatal to mice? Cat-nip!

Who were your grandfather's first cousin's sister's son's brother's forefathers? Why, his aunt's sisters, of course (ancestors).

What fashionable game do frogs play at--besides leap-frog? Croaky!

When are kisses sweetest? When sirup-titiously obtained.

Who was the first whistler, and what tune did he whistle? The wind--"Over the hills and far away!"

Why is a youth encouraging a mustache like a cow's tail? Because he grows down.

What contains more feet in winter than in summer? A skating-rink.

When may you be said to literally "drink in" music? When you have a piano for tea.

If you were invited to an assembly, what single word would call the musicians to their posts, and at the same time tell you the hour to begin dancing? At ten dance (attendance).

What word is there of eight letters which has five of them the same? Oroonoko.

What is the difference between homicide and pig-sticking? One is assault with intent to kill, the other a kill with intent to salt.

Why do rusty iron spikes on a wall remind you of ice? Because they are so often called a "shiver de freeze."

Why is a room full of married folks like a room empty? Because there is not a single person in it.

What is that which makes everything visible, but is itself unseen? Light.

My first's a dirty little brute,
My second's at the end on't;
My third, like many an honest man,
Is on a fool dependent.

Pig-tail.

Why does the lightning turn milk sour? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself.

Why was Eve made? For Adam's Express Company.

What are the most disagreeable articles for a man to keep on hand? Hand-cuffs.

Which one of the Seven Wonders of the World are locomotive engines like? The coal-horses of roads (Colossus of Rhodes).

Why is a judge's nose like the middle of the earth? Because it's the center of gravity.

Do you know what the _oldest_ piece of furniture in the world is? The multiplication-table!

An old maid's laugh--he! he! he!

Why is a pretty girl's pleased-merry-bright-laughing eye no better than an eye destroyed? Because it's an-eye-elated.

What is the first thing you do when you get into bed? You make an impression.

What's the difference between a professional piano-forte player and one that hears him? One plays for his pay, the other pays for his play.

What makes a pet dog wag his tail when he sees his master? Because he's got one to wag.

What stone should have been placed at the gate of Eden after the expulsion? Adam ain't in! (adamantine.)

My number, definite and known,
Is ten times ten, told ten times o'er;
Though half of me is one alone,
And half exceeds all count and score.

Thou-sand.

At what time was Adam married? Upon his wedding Eve.

Why are cats like unskillful surgeons? Because they mew-till-late and destroy patients.

What is the proper length for ladies' crinoline? A little above two feet.

What makes more noise than a pig in a sty? Two pigs!

Why is a hog in a parlor like a house on fire? Because they both want puttin' out.

Why is our meerschaum like a water-color artist? Because it draws and colors beautifully!

What three figures, multiplied by 4, will make precisely 5? 1 1-4, or 1.25.

Why is a dirty man like flannel? Because he shrinks from washing!

Why is a magnificent house like a book of anecdotes? It has generally some good stories in it.

Do you know the soldier's definition of a kiss? A report at head-quarters!

Why is flirting like plate-powder? Because it brightens the spoons!

The downward path--The one with a banana-skin on it.

Hair'em-scare'em--Bangs.

Always happy to meat friends--Butchers.

A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug.

A sky-light--the sun.

Companions in arms--Twins.

A thing that no family should be without--A marriage certificate.

A faux pas--Her father.

A Jersey waste--Newark flats.

Called bonds--Marriage ties.

Invisible blew--The wind.

Bachelors haul--An heiress.

Faithful to beauty's charms and grace,
The form of loveliness I trace;
But ev'ry blemish I detect,
And point out every defect.
Though long a fav'rite with the fair,
I sometimes fill them with despair.
But still I'm consulted ev'ry day
By the old and young--the sad, the gay;
All fly to me, so fam'd for truth,
Uninfluenced by age or youth;
For I neither flatter nor defame;
So now, I think, you'll guess my name.

A looking-glass.

Why is a man for whom nothing is good enough like a hyena galloping? Because he's a fast-hideous (fastidious) beast.

Why is riding fast up a steep ascent like a little dog's female puppy suffering from the rheumatism? Because it is a gal-pup-ill (gall(_o_)p up (_h_)ill.

What is a dogma--not a dog ma--a dogma? An opinion laid down with a snarl.

Why is a turnpike like a dead dog's tail? Because it stops a waggin.

Ah! but how did the sandwiches get there? Because Ham was sent there, and his followers mustard (mustered) and bre(a)d.

Why is the Hebrew persuasion the best of all persuasions? Because it is one that admits of no gammon.

What is the most ancient mention made of a banking transaction? When Pharaoh got a check on the Red Sea Bank, which was crossed by Moses.

Why are greenbacks like the Jews? Because they are the produce of Abraham.

What parts of what animals are like the spring and autumn gales? The equine hocks (equinox).

Two gamblers were sitting
Striving to cheat each other,
And, by a cunning trick, my _last_
Had raised a fearful bother.
The one who lost he looked my _first_,
But he who won assumed my _whole_,
Which little did the luckless one
Amid his bitter grief console.
Since both were rogues, we will not screen them--
There was not my _second_ to choose between them.

Grim-ace.

Who was hung for not wearing a wig? Absalom.

Which eat most grass, black sheep or white? White, because there are more of them.

What is the difference between the manner of the death of a barber and a sculptor? One curls up and dies, and the other makes faces and busts.

What is the difference between a mother with a large family and a barber? One shaves with his razors, and the other raises her shavers.

My love for you will never know
My _first_, nor get my _second_:
'Tis like your wit and beauty, so
My _whole_ 'twill aye be reckoned.

End-less.

When does a gourmand find it impossible to bridle--we ought, perhaps, to say curb--his appetite? When he wants a bit in his mouth out of a saddle of mutton.

May my _first_ never be lost in my _second_,
To prevent me enjoying my _whole_.

Friend-ship.

Why do sailors working in brigs make bad servants? Because it is impossible for a man to serve two mast-ers well!

Why is a note of hand like a rosebud? Because it is matured by falling due (dew).

Why are plagiarists like Long Branch hotel-keepers with newly-married couples? Because they are accustomed to seaside dears (seize ideas), and to make the most out of them that is possible!

Cut off my head, and singular I am;
Cut off my tail, and plural I appear;
Cut off both head and tail, and, wondrous fact,
Although my middle's left, there's nothing there.
What is my head?--a sounding sea;
What is my tail?--a flowing river;
In ocean's greatest depths I fearless play,
Parent of sweetest sounds though mute forever.

Cod.

Why is a dog's tail a great novelty? Because no one ever saw it before.

Why does a nobleman's title sometimes become extinct? Because, though the Queen can make a man appear (a peer), she can't make him apparent (a parent).

Why is the Prince of Wales, musing on his mother's government, like a rainbow? Because it's the son's (sun's) reflection on a steady reign (rain)!

Why was Louis Phillippe like a very wet day? Because he rained (reigned) as long as he could, and then--mizzled!

When Louis Phillippe was deposed, why did he lose less than any of his subjects? Because, whilst he only lost a crown, they lost a sovereign.

Why is the final letter in Europe like a Parisian riot? Because it's an E-mute.

What was once the most fashionable cap in Paris? The mob--without a crown.

Without my _first_ no man nor beast could live.
It was my _second_ who my _first_ did give;
And now vain man assumes my _second's_ name,
And to my _first_ makes his resistless claim.
Oh, luckless they who feel the harsh control,
When cold and heartless proves my grasping _whole_.

Land-lord.

Why are ballet-women so wicked? Because they are never content until they execute their pas.

Give a good definition for cant? Spirits of whine!

In what respect do modern customs differ materially from ancient ones? Formerly they were hewers of wood and drawers of water; now we have drawers of wood and ewers of water!

Why does a man who has been all his life a hewer of wood, that is, a wood-cutter, never come home to dinner? Because he's not only bre(a)d there, but he's always a chop(p)in' the wood!

Why should the poet have expected the woodman to "spare that tree?" Because he thought he was a good feller!

What did Jack Frost say when he kissed the violet? Wilt thou? And it wilted.

What trees has fire no effect upon? Ashes, as, when burned, they're ashes still.

If a tree were to break a window, what would the window say? Tre-mend-us!

And when is a charade like a fir-tree? When you get a deal bored (board) from its length!

What did the rose say to the sun? Blow me!

Ah! but what did the sun say to the rose? You be blowed!

What musical instrument invites you to fish? Cast-a-nets!

Why is the Ohio river like a drunken man? Because it takes in too much Monongahela at Pittsburgh, runs past Wheeling, gets a Licking opposite Cincinnati, and falls below Louisville.

When is the Hudson river good for the eyes? When it's eye (high) water.

My _first_ she was a serving-maid--
She went to fetch some tea;
How much she brought my _second_ tells,
As plainly as can be.

Now when you have the answer found,
Name it to others too;
My _whole_ is just the very thing,
In telling them, you'll do.

Ann-ounce.

Which are the lightest men--Scotchmen, Irishmen, or Englishmen? In Ireland there are men of Cork; in Scotland men of Ayr; but in England, on the Thames, they have lighter-men.

What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly Society, a Sandwich, and Madeira.

Tell us the best way to make the hours go fast? Use the spur of the moment!

And, per contra, when does a man sit down to a melancholy--we had nearly said melon-cholic--dessert? When he sits down to whine and to pine.

Where is it that all women are equally beautiful? A sly friend promptly replies, "Why, in the dark, of course."

Why do girls like looking at the moon? Because there's a man in it.

Why are stars the best astronomers? Because they have studded (studied) the heavens since the creation.

Why are stars like an old barn? Because there are r, a, t, s, in both.

What is that which, supposing its greatest breadth to be four inches, length nine inches, and depth three inches, contains a solid foot? A shoe.

What pomatum do you imagine a woman with very pretty feet uses for her hair? Neet-foot-oil.

Why is wit like a Chinese lady's foot? Because brevity is the soul (sole) of it.

Why is the letter S like a pert repartee? Because it begins and ends in sauciness.

If a gentleman asked his lady-love to take one kind of wine, while he drank another, what two countries would he name? Port-you-gal, I'll have White (Portugal--Isle of Wight).

Why should a teetotaler not have a wife? Because he can't sup-porter.

What kind of a cravat would a hog be most likely to choose? A pig's-tye, of course.

Why do teetotalers run such a slight risk of drowning? Because they are so accustomed to keep their noses above water.

How can you make one pound of green tea go as far as five pounds of black? Buy the above quantities in New York, and send them up to Yonkers.

Why is a short man struggling to kiss a tall woman like an Irishman going up to Vesuvius? Because, sure, he's trying to get at the mouth of the crater!

What is the greatest miracle ever worked in Ireland? Waking the dead!

Why is marriage with a deceased wife's sister like the wedding of two fish? Because it's a-finny-tie (affinity).

A man bought two fishes, but on taking them home found he had three; how was this? He had two--and one smelt!

Suppose we begin with my _second_ TRANSPOSED,
A comical way of beginning,
But many a horse that starts last in the race
Is first at the post for the winning.

Well, my _second_ transposed, is a terrible snare;
It has broken the hearts of a million or more,
Has put rags on the back, filled asylums and jails,
And driven my _whole_ from the door.

Now, if you would my _first_ (teetotalers say),
The victims of sorrow and wrong,
Set them an example, the curse throw away,
Your joy will be great, and your life will be long.

Bless-ing.

Who would travel fastest--a man with one sack of flour on his back, or a man with two sacks? The man with two sacks, if they were empty, when they would be lighter than a _sack of flour_.

Why should there be a marine law against whispering? Because it is privateering (private hearing), and consequently illegal.

My first is the cause of my second, and my whole ought never to be broken, though unless it be holy, and be kept so, you can't keep it at all? Sunday.

On what side of a church does a yew-tree grow? The outside!

Why is a field of grass like a person older than yourself? Because it's past-your-age (pasturage).

Why is a boy like a puppy? Because he's a younker (young cur).

What is that thing which we all eat and all drink, though it is often a man and often a woman? A toast!

What step must I take to remove A from the alphabet? B-head it!

As we are told that A was not always the first letter of the alphabet, please tell us when B was the first? In the days of No-a!

Why is A like a honeysuckle? Because a B follows it.

Why is it right B should come before C? Because we _must_ B before we can C.

Why is the letter W like scandal? Because it makes ill will.

Why are two T's like hops! Because they make beer better.

Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate.

Why is good gas like a true lover? Because it burns with a pure flame.

Which are the best kind of agricultural fairs? Farmers' daughters.

Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck.

Why is a good anecdote like a public bell? Because it is often tolled (told).

What sport does gossiping young ladies remind you of? Deer(s) talking.

What is that which is always in visible yet never out of sight? The letter I.

Why is a man in poverty like a seamstress? Because he is obliged to make shifts.

Why are all policemen well behaved and polite? Because they are civil officers.

Why is a rifle a very insignificant weapon? Because it is within a _t_ of being a trifle.

Why is the history of England like a wet season? Because it is full of reigns (rains).

Why should battle-fields be very gay places? Because balls and routs are common there.

When do we make a meal of a musical instrument? When we have a piano for-te(a).

Why is a rheumatic person like a glass window? Because he is full of pains (panes).

Why are the fixed stars like wicked old people? Because they scintillate (sin till late).

Why is the profession of a dentist always precarious? Because he lives from hand to mouth.

Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the understandings of his patrons.

Where does a similarity exist between malt and beer? In the taxing of the one and fining of the other.

Why may turnkeys be said to have extraordinary powers of digestion? Because they bolt doors.

When is a river not a river? When it is high (eye) water.

Why is a very plain, common-place female a wonderful woman? Because she is an extraordinary one.

Why is your eye like a schoolmaster using corporal punishment? Because it has a pupil under the lash.

Why is a beautiful woman bathing like a valuable submarine machine? Because she is a diving belle (bell).

Why is a cabman, whatever his rank, a very ambitious person? Because he is always looking for a hire (higher).

Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.

Why is a horse constantly ridden and never fed not likely to be starved? Because he has always a bit in his mouth.

Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English and French? Because they were all lies (allies).

Why is a tiger hunted in an Indian jungle, like a piece of presentation plate? Because it is chased and charged by the ounce.

Why is a man going to be married like a felon being conducted to the scaffold? Because he is being led to the altar (halter).

If there was a bird on a perch, and you wanted the perch, how would you get it without disturbing the bird? Wait till it flew away.

When two men exchange snuff-boxes, why is the transaction a profitable one? Because they are getting scent per scent (cent per cent).

Why are young ladies the fastest travelers in the world? Because the day before marriage they are at the Cape of Good Hope, and the next day afterwards they are in the United States.

Sometimes with a head, sometimes without a head; sometimes with a tail, sometimes without a tail; sometimes with both head and tail, and sometimes without either; and yet equally perfect in all situations? A wig.

A gardener, going to fetch some apples out of the orchard, saw four birds destroying some of his best fruit; he got his gun, and fired at them, but only killed one; how many remained on the tree? None; the rest flew away.

The man who was struck by a coincidence is in a fair way of recovery.

The fellow who rushed into business "run out" again in a short time.

How to get a good wife--Take a good girl and go to the parson.

How to strike a happy medium--Hit a drunken spiritualist.

The young lady whose sleep was broken has had it mended.

The movement that was "on foot" has taken a carriage.

Hearty laugh--One that gets down among the ribs.

Epitaph for a cannibal--"One who loved his fellow-men."

A squeeze in grain--Treading on a man's corn.

To get a cheap dancing lesson--Drop a flat-iron on your favorite corn.

Why is a candle with a "long nose" like a contented man? Because it _wants (s)nuffin_.

When does rain seem inclined to be studious? When it's _pouring_ over a book-stall.

A hand-to-hand affair--Marriage.

Bridal chambers--Harness room.

The only kind of cake children don't cry after--A cake of soap.

Housewife's motto--Whatever thou dost, dust it with all thy might.

Why is life the riddle of riddles? Because we must all give it up.

It is said that the pen is mightier than the sword, but that depends on the holders.

In making wills, some are left out and others are left "tin."

The society lady never sheds a tear. She knows enough to keep her powder dry.

Something that carries conviction with it--A police-van.

How to make a slow horse fast--Don't feed him.

Why is a bee-hive like a bad potato? Because a bee-hive is a bee-holder; and a beholder is a spectator, and a speck-tater is a bad potato.

The original wire-pullers--Irish harpers.

A place for everything--Baby's mouth.

A stuck-up thing--A show-bill.

Cheap country-seat--A stump.

Sheer cruelty--Clipping sheep.

Song of the mouse--"Hear me gnaw, ma."

To get along well--dig it deep.

A growing industry--Farming.

Why is "T" like an amphibious animal? Because it is found both in earth and water.

A two-foot rule--Making "rights" and "lefts."

Much as he loves roast beef, John Bull is continually getting into an Irish stew.

Why is the nine-year-old boy like the sick glutton? Because he's over eight.

A dangerous character--A man who "takes life" cheerfully.

Which of the reptiles is a mathematician? The adder.

Why cannot a woman become a successful lawyer? Because she is too fond of giving her opinion without being paid for it.

An unvarnished tail--A monkey's.

No head nor tail to it--A circle.

Why is a rosebud like a promissory note? Because it matures by falling dew.

How do lawyers often prove their love to their neighbors? By attachment.

Two things that go off in a hurry--An arrow dismissed by a beau, and a beau dismissed by a belle.

A dangerous collision--Running into debt.

An ex-plainer--A retired carpenter.

A great singer--The tea-kettle.

Blood relations--War stories.

How can a rare piece of acting be well done?

A felt hat--One that gives you the headache.

The egotist always has an I for the main chance.

When are thieves like leopards? When they are "spotted."

To be let--Some young swells' faces--they are generally _vacant_.

A winning hand--The shapely one which is incased in a No. 6 perfect-fitting kid glove.

A willing man--A testator.

Celestial timber--Sunbeams.

Hope is the hanker of the soul.

The oldest revolver--The earth.

Hereditary traits--Family portraits.

Good size for man or woman--Exercise.

A water-spout--A temperance oration.

Sweetness and light--The burning of a sugar refinery.

Home-rule--Your wife's opinion.

A "sheet" anchor--A clothes pin.

Always open to conviction--A thief.

The nobbiest thing in boots is a bunion.

A thing that kicks without legs--a gun.

A motto for young lovers--So-fa and no-father.

The key to the convict's troubles is the turn-key.

Wanted--An artist to paint the very picture of health.

When is an estate like a watch? When it is wound up.

When is a house not a house? When it is a-fire.

Why is a box on the ears like a hat? Because it is felt.

Why is a melancholy young lady the pleasantest companion? Because she is always a-musing.

Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates.

What plaything may be deemed above every other. A top.

Why is an infant like a diamond? Because it is a dear little thing.

Why is anything that is unsuitable like a dumb person. Because it won't answer.

Why is the letter _l_ in the word military like the nose? Because it stands between two _i_'s.

What is that which the dead and the living do at the same time? They go round with the world.

The motto of the giraffe--Neck or nothing.

A paying business--The cashier's.

Always under the lash--The eye.

Romantic youth, rheumatic age.

A striking affair--A prize-fight.

Where did the gas-man meter.

All barbers can't razor beard.

Ex-spurts--Retired firemen.

Missing men--Bad marksmen.

The popular diet for gymnasts--Turn-overs.

A plain-dealing man--One who sells them.

Perpetual motion--Scandal.

Always in haste--The letter h.

Preventives of consumption--High prices.

Handy book-markers--Dirty fingers.

A two-foot rule--Don't stumble.

When can a lamp be said to be in a bad temper? When it is put out.

Railways are aristocratic. They teach every man to know his own station and to stop there.

Why is a spendthrift's purse like a thunder-cloud? Because it is continually _lightning_.

Why is a boy almost always more noisy than a girl? Because he is more son-orous.

An aggravating girl--Miss Deal.

A water-course--A series of temperance lectures.

Attachment notice--The announcement of a marriage engagement.

A shocking disaster--An earthquake.

What is more chilling to an ardent lover than the beautiful's no?

A serious movement on foot--The coming corn or bunion.

Where do ghosts come from?--From gnome man's land.

High-toned men--The tenor singers.

To make a Venetian blind--Put out his eyes.

The retired list--A hotel register at mid-night.

Which is the debtor's favorite tree?--The willow (will owe).

It isn't the girl that is loaded with powder who goes off the easiest.

What does an aeronaut do after inflating his balloon? He highs himself away on his trip.

Something of a wag--The tip of a dog's tail.

A wedding invitation--Asking a girl to marry you.

Good name for a bull-dog--Agrippa.

Flying rumors are necessarily groundless.

Why ought Lent to pass very rapidly? Because there are so many fast days in it.

It is no sign because a man makes a stir in the community that he is a spoon.

What is that which must play before it can work? A fire-engine.

A man ever ready to scrape an acquaintance--The barber.

Hush money--The money paid the baby's nurse.

When may you suppose an umbrella to be one mass of grease? When it's dripping.

Bootblacks are friendly little fellows. They "take a shine" to anybody.

A dress for the concert-room--_Organ-di_ muslin with _fluted_ flounces.

Difficult punctuation--Putting a stop to a gossip's tongue.

A hard case--The oyster's.

What are the dimensions of a little elbow room?

What is taken from you before you get it? Your portrait.

What can a man have in his pocket when it is empty? A big hole.

An old off-ender--The ship's rudder.

Men who "stick" at their work--printers.

Men who do light work--lamplighters.

Men who work with a will--lawyers.

If you would make a good deal of money at card-playing, you should make a good deal.

Joy is the feeling that you are better off than your neighbor.

A matchless story--one in which there are no weddings.

The only tree known to have teeth. Dentistry.

Dropping the "h" is an ex-aspirating habit.

If you would not be pitted, get vaccinated.

Has great heeling properties. The mule.

Barren mountains are not worth ascent.

An ancient warrior poet--Shakespeare.

A thing to adore (a door)--The knob.

Why is a widower like a house in a state of dilapidation? Because he ought to be _re-paired_.

Why are fowls gluttonous creatures? Because they take a peck at every mouthful.

A big mis-take--Marrying a fat girl.

The most valuable prize--Enterprise.

Cannibalism--Feeding a baby with its pap.

Back-yards--The trains of ladies' dresses.

Coquettes are the quacks of love.

Something to lie about--A bed.

A dangerous man--One who takes life cheerfully.

A slow match--A couple that marries after twenty years' courtship.

Why is a widow like a gardener? Because she tries to get rid of her weeds.

Who was it that first introduced salt provisions? Noah, for he took Ham into the ark.

Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles.

A lightning-rod is attractive, in its way.

"This cheese is about right," said John; and Jane replied that it was, if mite makes right.

What is an artist to do when he is out of canvas? He should draw on his imagination.

A professor of petrifaction has appeared in Paris. He has an 'art of stone.

"Ah!" said she to her diamonds, "you _dear_ little things!"

After all, a doctor's diploma is but an M. D. honor.

The desire to go somewhere in hot weather is only equaled by the desire to get back again.

Lay up something for a rainy day, if it is nothing more than the rheumatism.

The man who waxes strong every day--The shoemaker.

To change dark hair to sandy--Go into the surf after a storm.

A melancholy reflection--The top of a bald head in a looking-glass.

In what age was gum-arabic introduced? In the mucilage.

Always cut off in its prime--An interest coupon.

The farmer's favorite vest--The harvest.

A hallo mockery--The echo.

Rifle clubs--Gangs of pickpockets.

The Turkish position--Cross-legged.

High time--That kept by a town clock.

A home-spun dress--The skin.

Appropriate name for a cold beauty--Al-ice.

Toned paper--Sheet of music.

Food for fighters--Pitch-in pie.

Something always on hand--Your thumb.

When a man attains the age of ninety years, he may be termed XC-dingly old.

When iron has been exposed to fogs, it is apt to be mist-rusted.

A "head gardener"--A maker of artificial flowers for ladies' hair.

A weather prophet says: "Perspiration never rains. It simply pores."

The spots on the sun do not begin to create such a disturbance as do the freckles on the daughter.

Why is fashionable society like a warming-pan? Because it is highly polished, but very hollow.

A capital thing--Cash.

Stakeholders--Butchers.

A great composer--Sleep.

A senses taker--Whisky.

All play--Musician's work.

How to "serve" a dinner--Eat it.

A "light" employment--Candle making.

Another new reading--Man proposes, woman accepts.

"Necessity knows no law." Well, necessity is like a great many lawyers.

The civil service--Opening the door for anybody.

Touching incident--A physician feeling a patient's pulse.

Maxim for the lazy--No man can plow a field by turning it over in his mind.

Nature saw the bicycle in the dim future when she created a bow-legged man.

A black tie--A colored wife.

An unpalatable dish--Cold shoulder.

First 'bus in America--Columbus.

A kid-napping case--A cradle.

Disagreeable and impertinent--Ruin staring one in the face.

This language of ours! A widow only resolves on a second marriage when she re-link-wishes it.

Why is a woman who has four sons, all sailors, like a year?--Because she has four sea-sons.

He sighed for the wings of a dove, but had no idea that the legs were much better eating.

What kind of a loan is surest to "raise the wind?"--A cyclone.

The great composer--Chloroform.

Foot notes--Shoemakers' bills.

A narrow escape--The chimney flue.

Best climate for a toper--The temperate zone.

An attached couple--A pair of oyster-shells.

What is the best thing out yet for real comfort?--An aching tooth.

Two souls with but a single thought--Two boys climbing over an orchard fence, with a bull-dog in pursuit.

Kindred evils--Poor relations.

A matter of course--A horse race.

Only a question of time--Asking the hour.

"Stirring" times--Morning hours.

Free of charge--An empty gun.

Passage of arms--Sleeves.

A good name for a bill-collector--Dunham.

A drop of the crater--Lava.

Does it take more miles to make a land league than it does a water league?

All the year round--The earth.

A trained animal--The "iron horse."

Stands to reason--A debator who won't sit down.

The best remedy for a man who is spell-bound--A dictionary.

The rations on which a poet's brain is fed--Inspirations.

A good thing to be fast--a button.

Hardware--The friction on a schoolboy's knees.

What was the most honest bet ever made? The alpha-bet.

A bad habit--A seedy coat.

Sweet home--A bee-hive.

Pressed for time--Mummies.

Land agitation--An earthquake.

Held for further hearing--The ear-trumpet.

What is the difference between a fixed star and a meteor? One is a son, the other is a darter.

When trains are telescoped, the poor passengers see stars.

How to keep yourself dry? Eat freely of red herrings and salt beef, and don't drink.

Why is it dangerous to take a walk in the woods in spring? Because then the trees are shooting.

Why is a man on horseback like difficulties overcome? Because he is Sir-mounted (surmounted).

Why is a vocalist singing incorrectly like a forger of bad notes? Because he is uttering false notes.

Why is your night-cap when on your head like a giblet pie? Because it contains a goose's head.

Why are two laughing girls like the wings of a chicken? Because they have a merry thought between them.

When are a very short and a very tall judge both the same height? When they are judges of assize (a size).

Why is a thoughtful man like a mirror? Because he reflects.

Why is a pig with a twisted tail like the ghost in Hamlet? Because it can a tail (tale) unfold.

Why is a Turk like a violin belonging to an inn? Because he is an infidel (inn fiddle).

Why am I the most peculiar person in the company? Because I am the querist (queerest).

Why is a blundering writer like an arbiter in a dispute? Because he writes (rights) wrong.

Why is hot bread like a caterpillar? Because it is the grub that makes the butterfly.

A good side-show--A pretty cheek.

If a pair of spectacles could speak, what ancient historian would they name?--Eusebius (you see by us).

Why is a very angry man like the clock at fifty-nine minutes past twelve?--Because he is just ready to strike one.

Why is a shoe-maker like a true lover?--Because he is faithful to the last.

Why are there three objections to taking a glass of brandy?--Because there are three scruples to a dram.

In what respect were the governments of Algiers and Malta as different as light from darkness?--The one was governed by deys (days), the other by knights (nights).

When is a fowl's neck like a bell?--When it is wrung (rung).

When is a man thinner than a lath?--When he is a-shaving.

When is a soldier like a baby?--When he is in arms.

Why is a small musk-melon like a horse?--Because it makes a mango (man go).

Why is a man with wooden legs like one who makes an even bargain?--Because he has nothing to boot.

Why do bishops become wags when promoted to the highest office in the church? Because they become arch-bishops.

Why is a fop like a haunch of venison? Because he is a bit of a buck.

Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes.

Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo (woe).

Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for getting (forgetting).

Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf? Because he is crusty.

Where did the executioner of Charles I. dine, and what did he take? He took a chop at the King's Head.

Why is Kossuth like an Irishman's quarrel? Because he is a patriot (Pat riot).

Why is Ireland like a sealed bottle of champagne? Because there is a Cork in it.

Why is an uncut leg of bacon like Hamlet in his soliloquy? Because it is ham let alone (Hamlet alone).

Why should taking the proper quantity of medicine make you sleepy? Because you take a dose.

Why is a pack of cards containing only fifty-one, sent home, as perfect as a pack of fifty-two sent home? Because they are in complete (in-complete).

Why is a good constitution like a money-box? Because its full value becomes known when it is broken.

Why is a flatterer like a microscope? Because he magnifies small things.

Why is a key like a prison? Because it is full of wards.

Why is a talkative young man like a young pig? Because he is likely to become a bore (boar).

Why is a city being destroyed like another being built? Because it is being razed (raised).

Why is a fit of coughing like the falls of Niagara? Because it is a catarrh-act (cataract).

If Tom owes Bob money and gives him a blow in the eye, why is that a satisfactory settlement? Because he gives his mark in black and white, a note of hand, and paid at sight.

Why are your lips always at variance? Because words are frequently passing between them.

Why is a butcher's cart like his boots? Because he carries his calves there.

Why is a thief in a garret like an honest man? Because he is above doing a bad action.

Why are bachelors like natives of Ceylon? Because they are single he's (Cingalese).

When is a window like a star? When it is a skylight.

What constellation most resembles an empty fire-place? The Great Bear (grate bare).

Why is a sick Jew like a diamond ring? Because he is a Jew ill (jewel).

Why are Irishmen like the Pope? Because they make bulls.

Why is a toll-collector at a bridge like a Jew? Because he keeps the pass-over (Passover).

What class of people bears a name meaning "I can't improve?" Mendicants (Mend I can't).

Why is the Commander-in-chief like a broker? Because he is a Commission-agent.

Why is an irritable man like an unskillful doctor? Because he is apt to lose his patience (patients).

When is a wall like a fish? When it is _scaled_.

Why is a village cobbler like a parson? Because he attends to the soles (souls) of the people.

When may a country gentleman's property be said to consist of feathers? When his estates are all entails (hen tails).

Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall? Because nobody can get through them.

Why is a man searching for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because he is a-seeking (a sea king) what never existed.

Why is the Premier like an alchemist? Because he turns one of his friends into a gold-stick.

Why is a theological student like a merchant? Because he studies the prophets (profits).

Why does a dog's tail resemble happiness? Because, run after it as he will, he cannot catch it.

Why is an insolent fishmonger likely to get more business than a civil one? Because, when he sells fish, he gives _sauce_.

Why are coopers like musical composers? Because they make use of _staves_.

Why is Mrs. Caudle like a locomotive engine? Because she is always on the _rail_.

Why is a partner in a joint-stock concern like a plowman? Because he is a _share_-holder.

Why should a speculator use a high stiffener for his cravat? Because he would be sure of a _rise_ in his _stock_.

Why is a gypsy's tent like a beacon on the coast? Because it is a _light_-house.

Why were the English victories in the Punjaub nothing to boast of? Because they were over Sikh (sick) armies.

Why are Cashmere shawls like persons totally deaf? Because you cannot _make_ them here (hear).

Why is a ship just arrived in port like a lady eagerly desiring to go to America? Because she is _hankering_ after a voyage.

Why may the Commissioners for Metropolitan Improvements never be expected to speak the truth? Because with them mend-a-city (mendacity) is a duty.

When is a ball not a ball? When it is snowball (no ball).

Why is chloroform like Mendelssohn or Rossini? Because it is one of the greatest composers of modern times.

Why is a sword that is too brittle like an ill-natured and passionate man? Because it is snappish and ill-tempered.

Why are steamboat explosions like short-hand writers leaving the House of Commons? Because they go off with reports.

Why is the profession of a barrister not only legal, but religious? Because it involves a knowledge of law, and a love of the profits (prophets).

Why ought a superstitious person to be necessarily temperate? Because he is afraid of spirits.

Why are the Commissioners of Stamps and Taxes like sailors at sea? Because they are a-board.

How is a successful gambler always an agreeable fellow? Because he has such winning ways.

Why should the ghost in Hamlet have been liable to the window-tax? Because he had glazed eyes.

Why does a donkey prefer thistles to corn? Because he is an ass.

Why is a whirlpool like a donkey? Because it is an eddy (a neddy).

When would a bed make the best hunting ground?--When it is made anew for rest (a new forest).

Why are the labors of a translator likely to excite disgust? Because they produce a version (aversion).

Why is steam power in a locomotive like the goods lading a ship? Because it makes the car go (cargo).

Why was Grimaldi like a glass of good brandy and water? Because he was a tumbler of first-rate spirit.

Why is a man in jail and wishing to be out like a leaky boat? Because he requires bailing (baling) out.

Why is a congreve box without the matches superior to any other box? Because it is matchless.

Why was Phidias, the celebrated sculptor, laughed at by the Greeks? Because they said he cut a pretty figure.

Why are hot-house plants like drunkards? Because they have so many glasses over and above.

Why may a professor without students be said to be the most attentive of all teachers? Because he has only two pupils and they are always in his eye.

When is a maiden most chaste (chased). When she is most run after.

Why should a broken-hearted single young man lodger offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.

Why were the Russian accounts of the Crimean battles like the English and French? Because they were all lies (allies).

Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for the plate.

Why is boots at an hotel like an editor? Because he polishes the understanding of his patrons.

Why is a very commonplace female a wonderful woman? Because she is an extra-ordinary one.

Why is a man not prepared to pay his acceptance when due like a pigeon without food? Because he has not provided for his bill.

Why is a plum-pudding like a logical sermon? Because it is full of raisins (reasons).

Why are young children like castles in the air? Because their existence is only infancy (in fancy).

Why is a ticket-porter like a thief? Because he takes other people's property.

When a horse speaks, why does he do so always in the negative? Because he neighs (nays).

Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato? Because it is deceased (diseased).

Why is a cat like a tattling person? Because it is a tail-bearer (tale-bearer).

Why is it impossible that there should be one best horse on a race-course? Because you will always find a better (bettor) there.

Why is my place of business like a baker's oven? Because I make my bread there.

When is a thief like a reporter? When he takes notes.

When is a book like a prisoner in the States of Barbary? When it is bound in Morocco.

Why is a retired carpenter like a lecturer on natural philosophy? Because he is an ex-plainer.

Why are those who quiz ladies' bustles very slanderous persons? Because they talk of them behind their backs.

Why is a gardener better paid than any other tradesman? Because he has most celery (salary).

Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course? Because she is a Bet in place (betting-place).

Why is a most persevering admirer of a coquette like an article she carries in her pocket? Because he is her hanker-chief (handkerchief).

Why is a torch like the ring of a chain? Because it is a link.

Why is a handsome and fascinating lady like a slice of bread? Because she is often toasted.

Why does a Quaker resemble a fresh and sprightly horse? Because he is full of nays (neighs).

Why are men who lose by the failure of a bank like Macbeth? Because each has his bank-woe (Banquo).

Why is a row between Orangemen and Ribbonmen like a saddle? Because there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.

Why is a prosy story-teller like the Thames Tunnel? Because he is a great bore.

Why should well-fed M. P.s object to triennial parliaments? Because it puts them on short commons.

Why are ladies so fond of officers? Because every lady likes a good offer, sir (officer).

When is the music at a party most like a ship in distress? When it sets the pumps agoing.

Why is your first-born child like a legal deed? Because it is all-engrossing.

Why is a hackney coachman like a conscientious man? Because he has an inward check on his outward action.

Why is a milkwoman who never sells whey the most independent person in the world? Because she never gives whey (way) to any one.

Why is a man digging a canoe like a boy whipped for making a noise? Because he hollows.

When are soldiers stronger than elephants? When they carry a fortress.

Why has a clock a bashful appearance? Because it always keeps its hands before its face.

Why is an adjective like a drunken man? Because it can't stand alone.

Why did Marcus Curtius leap into the gulf at Rome? Because he thought it was a good opening for a young man.

Why is wine spoilt by being converted into negus? Because you make a mull of it.

Why is a baker like a judge in Chancery? Because he is Master of the Rolls.

Why is a bad epigram like a blunt pencil? Because it has no point.

Why is a humorous jest like a fowl? Because it contains a merry-thought.

Why is a schoolboy beginning to read like knowledge itself? Because he is learning.

Why is an egg underdone like an egg overdone? Because it is hardly done.

Why is an Irishman turning over in the snow like a watchman? Because he is a Pat rolling (patrolling).

Why is the office of Prime Minister like a May-pole? Because it is a high post.

Why does the conductor at a concert resemble the electric telegraph? Because he beats time.

Why are the pages of this book like the days of this year? Because they are all numbered.

Why does a smoker resemble a person in a furious passion? Because he fumes.

Why is a burglar using false keys like a lady curling her hair? Because he is turning locks.

Why are tears like potatoes? Because they spring from the eyes.

Why is this book like an evergreen? Because it is always full of leaves.

Why should travelers not be likely to starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is (sandwiches) there.

How did the sandwiches come into the desert? Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred (mustard and bread).

Why is a red-haired female like a regiment of infantry. Because she carries fire-locks.