Chapter II: Part 2

Why is a locomotive like a handsome and fascinating lady? Because it scatters the _sparks_ and _transports_ the mails (males).

Why is a man's mouth when very large like an annual lease? Because it extends from ear to ear (year to year).

Why were the cannon at Delhi like tailors? Because they made breaches (breeches).

Why is a sheet of postage stamps like distant relations? Because they are only slightly connected.

How can venison never be cheap? Because it is always deer (dear).

Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the keys.

Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours (ours).

Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night till morning.

Why is the root of the tongue like a dejected man? Because it's down in the mouth.

When is it a good thing to lose your temper? When it's a bad one.

On what day of the year do women talk least? On the shortest day.

What is the best way to keep a man's love? Not to return it.

Why is a wedding-ring like eternity? Because it has no beginning and no end.

What is that which ties two persons and only one touches? A wedding-ring.

Why should a man never marry a woman named Ellen? Because he rings his own (K)nell.

Why does a young lady prefer her mother's fortune to her father's? Because, though she likes patrimony, she still better likes matrimony.

Why is a deceptive woman like a seamstress? Because she is not what she seams (seems).

Why does a dressmaker never lose her hooks? Because she has an eye to each of them.

What goes most against a farmer's grain? His reaper.

What is the difference between the Emperor of Russia and a beggar? One issues manifestoes, the other manifests toes without 'is shoes.

Why is the Emperor of Russia like a greedy school-boy on Christmas-day? Because he's confounded Hung(a)ry, and longs for Turkey.

You name me once, and I am famed
For deeds of noble daring;
You name me twice, and I am found
In savage customs sharing?

Tar-tar.

What part of a bag of grain is like a Russian soldier? A coarse sack (cossack).

Why is it that you cannot starve in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is-there, to say nothing of the Pyramids of Ch(e)ops.

The wind howled, and the heaving sea
Touched the clouds, then backward rolled;
And the ship strove most wondrously,
With ten feet water in her hold.

The night is darkened, and my _first_
No sailor's eye could see.
And ere the day should dawn again,
Where might the sailor be?

Before the rising of the sun
The ship lay on the strand,
And silent was the minute-gun
That signaled to the land.

The crew my _second_ had secured,
And they all knelt down to pray,
And on their upturned faces fell
The early beam of day.

The howling of the wind had ceased,
And smooth the waters ran,
And beautiful appeared my _whole_
To cheer the heart of man.

Land-scape.

What is the wind like in a storm? Like to blow your hat off.

What is the difference between an honest and a dishonest laundress? One irons your linen and the other steals it.

Why are artists like washerwomen? Because they are not satisfied until their works are "hung on the line."

A poor woman carrying a basket of apples, was met by three boys, the first of whom bought half of what she had, and then gave her back ten; the second boy bought a third of what remained, and gave her back two; and the third bought half of what she had now left, and returned her one, after which she found that she had twelve apples remaining. What number had she at first? From the twelve remaining, deduct one, and eleven is the number she sold the last boy, which was half she had; her number at that time, therefore, was twenty-two. From twenty-two deduct two, and the remaining twenty was two-thirds of her prior stock, which was therefore thirty. From thirty deduct ten, and the remainder twenty is half her original stock; consequently she had at first forty apples.

Why did the young lady return the dumb water? Because it didn't answer.

There are twelve birds in a covey; Jones kills a brace, then how many remain? None; for--unless they are idiots--they fly away!

Why is a very amusing man like a very bad shot? Because he keeps the game alive!

What is the height of folly? Spending your last dollar on a purse!

What is a very good definition of nonsense? Bolting a door with a boiled carrot.

What soap is the hardest? Cast-steel (castile)!

I wander when the night is dark,
I tread forbidden ground;
I rouse the house-dog's sullen bark,
And o'er the world am found.
My victims fill the gloomy jail,
And to the gallows speed;
Though in the dark, with visage pale,
I do unlawful deed,
There is an eye o'erwatching me,
A law I disobey;
And what I gain I faster lose,
When Justice owns its sway.
Though sometimes I accumulate
A fortune soon, and vast--
A beggar at the good man's gate,
My pupil stands at last.

Dishonesty.

My first is irrational,
My second is rational,
My third mechanical,
My whole scientific?

Horse-man-ship.

Why is horse-racing a necessity? Because it is a matter of course.

What is most like a horse's foot? A mare's.

Why is a horse an anomaly in the hunting-field? Because the better-tempered he is the easier he takes a-fence (offence).

What most resembles a cat looking out of a garret window, amid a sheltering bower of jessamine and woodbine? A cat looking into a garret window under the same circumstances.

A word there is five syllables contains;
Take one away--not one of them remains!

Mo-no-syllable.

If a man attempts to jump a ditch, and falls, why is he likely to miss the beauties of Summer? Because the Fall follows right after the Spring, unless he makes a Summer-set between them.

What does an iron-clad vessel of war, with four inches of steel plating and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise? She weighs anchor.

When is an umbrella like suet? When it is dripping.

When is a woman not a woman? When she is a little cross.

Why is drunkenness like a ragged coat? Because it is a bad habit.

Why is a proud lady like a music book? Because she is full of airs.

Why is a pianist like the warder of a prison? Because he fingers the keys.

Why is an avaricious merchant like a Turk? Because he worships the profit.

When is a plant to be dreaded more than a mad dog? When it is madder.

Why is a harmonium like the Bank of England? Because it issues notes.

Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it becomes.

Why can no man say his time is his own? Because it is made up of hours (ours).

Why is a hen walking like a base conspiracy? Because it is a foul (fowl) proceeding.

Why is a curtain lecture like darkness? Because it lasts from night till morning.

Why is a ship the politest thing in the world? Because she always advances with a bow.

Why is a good sermon like a kiss? Because it only requires two heads and an application.

Why should a thirsty man always carry a watch? Because there's a spring inside of it.

Why is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo (woe).

Why is a miser like a man with a short memory? Because he is always for getting (forgetting).

Why are clergymen like cabinet-makers when performing the marriage ceremony? Because they are joiners.

Why is it easy to break into an old man's house? Because his gait (gate) is broken and his locks are few.

Why should the world become blind if deprived of its philosophers? Because there would be no seers.

Why are blacksmiths the most discontented of tradesmen? Because they are always on the strike for wages.

Why would a great gourmand make a very clumsy dressmaker? Because the more he takes in, the more he tucks out.

Why is a baker the cheapest landlord but the dearest builder? He is the cheapest landlord when he can sell you a little cottage for twopence; when he is the dearest builder is when he charges you sixpence for a brick.

What is the difference between a man who has nothing to do and a laborer? The one gets a great deal of "otium cum dig.," the latter a great deal of dig without otium.

Why should not ladies and gentlemen take castor oil? Because it's only intended for working-people.

An ugly little fellow, that some might call a pet,
Was easily transmuted to a parson when he ate;
And when he set off running, an Irishman was he,
Then took to wildly raving, and hung upon a tree?

Cur, cur-ate, Cur-ran, currant!

Why is a gooseberry-tart, or even a plum-tart, like a bad dime? Because it's not currant.

You like to pay a good price and have the finest work, of course; but what is that of which the common sort is best? Sense.

When you go for ten cents' worth of very sharp, long tin-tacks, what do you want them for? For ten cents.

Where did Noah strike the first nail in the ark? On the head.

When was paper money first mentioned in the Bible? When the dove brought the green back to Noah.

What was the difference between Noah's ark and Joan of Arc? One was made of wood, the other was Maid of Orleans.

There is a word of three syllables, from which if you take away five letters a male will remain; if you take away four, a female will be conspicuous; if you take away three, a great man will appear; and the whole shows you what Joan of Arc was? He, her, hero, heroine!

Why was Leander voluntarily drowned? It was through his-whim (his swim) only!

What's that? what's that? Oh, I shall faint,
Call, call the priest to lay it!
Transpose it, and to king and saint,
And great and good you pay it?

Spectre; respect.

Complete I betoken the presence of death,
Devoid of all symptoms of life-giving breath;
But banish my tail, and, surpassingly strange,
Life, ardor, and courage, I get by the change?

Corpse; corps.

Ere Adam was, my early days began;
I ape each creature, and resemble man;
I gently creep o'er tops of tender grass,
Nor leave the least impression where I pass;
Touch me you may, but I can ne'er be felt,
Nor ever yet was tasted, heard, or smelt.
Yet seen each day; if not, be sure at night
You'll quickly find me out by candlelight?

Shadow.

Why is the inside of everything mysterious? Because we can't make it out.

Why should a man troubled with gout make his will? Because he will then have his leg at ease (legatees).

What is that which no one wishes to have, yet no one wishes to lose? A bald head.

What is the difference between a young maiden of sixteen and an old maid of sixty? One is happy and careless, the other cappy and hairless.

Why are very old people necessarily prolix and tedious? Because they die late (dilate).

A lady asked a gentleman how old he was? He answered, "My age is what you do in everything--excel" (XL).

My first I do, and my second--when I say you are my whole--I do not? Love-lie (lovely).

What is that a woman frequently gives her lovely countenance to, yet never takes kindly? The small-pox.

Who was the fastest runner in the world? Adam. How so? Because he was first in the human race.

Who was the first to swear in this world? Eve. How so? When Adam asked her if he might take a kiss, she said, I don't care A dam if you do.

When were walking-sticks first mentioned in the Bible? When Eve presented Adam with a little Cain (cane).

Why had Eve no fear of the measles? Because she'd Adam (had'em)!

What fur did Adam and Eve wear? Bear (bare) skin.

Why was Herodias' daughter the _fastest_ girl mentioned in the New Testament? Because she got _a-head_ of John the Baptist on a _charger_.

When is a lady deformed? When mending stockings, as then her hands are where her tootsicums, her feet ought to be!

What is that which a young girl looks for, but does not wish to find? A hole in her stocking!

Why is the proprietor of a balloon like a phantom? Because he's an airy-naught (aeronaut).

Why is a fool in a high station like a man in a balloon? Because everybody appears little to him, and he appears little to everybody!

Why is the flight of an eagle _also_ a most unpleasant sight to witness? Because it's an eye-sore ('igh soar)!

Why do little birds in their nest agree? For fear of falling out.

Which of the feathered tribe can lift the heaviest weights? The crane.

And if you saw a peach with a bird on it, and you wished to get the peach without disturbing the bird, what would you do? Do? why--wait till he flew off.

Why is a steam engine at a fire an anomaly? Because it works and plays at the same time.

Why is divinity the easiest of the three learned professions? Because it's easier to preach than to practice.

Why are cripples, beggars, and such like, similar to shepherds and fishermen? Because they live by hook and by crook.

My _first_ doth affliction denote,
Which my _second_ is destined to feel,
But my _whole_ is the sure antidote
That affliction to soothe and to heal.

Wo-man.

What one word will name the common parent of both beast and man? A-dam.

Take away one letter from me and I murder; take away two and I probably shall die, if my whole does not save me? Kill--ill--skill.

What's the difference between a bee and a donkey? One gets all the honey, the other gets all the whacks!

Where did the Witch of Endor live--and end-her days? At Endor!

What is the difference between a middle-aged cooper and a trooper of the middle ages? The one is used to put a head on his cask, and the other used to put a cask (casque) on his head!

Did King Charles consent to be executed with a cold chop? We have every reason, my young friends, to believe so, for they most assuredly ax'd him whether he would or no!

My _first_ if 'tis lost, music's not worth a straw;
My _second's_ most graceful (?) in old age or law,
Not to mention divines; but my _whole_ cares for neither,
Eats fruits and scares ladies in fine summer weather.

Ear-wig!

Which of Pio Nino's cardinals wears the largest hat? Why, the one with the largest head, of course.

What composer's name can you give in three letters? R D T (Arditi).

Spell enemy in three letters! No, it's not N M E; you're wrong; try again; it's F O E!

Spell auburn locks in two letters! S and Y.

Spell brandy in three letters! B R and Y, and O D V.

Which are the two most disagreeable letters if you get too much of them? K N (cayenne).

When is a trunk like two letters of the alphabet? When it is M T (empty).

What word of one syllable, if you take two letters from it, remains a word of two syllables? Plague; ague.

Why is the letter E a gloomy and discontented vowel? Because, though never out of health and pocket, it never appears in spirits.

How can you tell a girl of the name of Ellen that she is everything that is delightful in eight letters? U-r-a-bu-t-l-n!

What is it that occurs twice in a moment, once in a minute, and not once in a thousand years? The letter M.

Three letters three rivers proclaim;
Three letters an ode give to fame;
Three letters an attribute name;
Three letters a compliment claim.

Ex Wye Dee, L E G (elegy), Energy, and You excel!

Which is the richest and which the poorest letter in the alphabet? S and T, because we always hear of La Rich_esse_ and La Pauvre_te_.

Why is A like twelve o'clock? You know, middle of day.

Why is a false friend like the letter P? Because, though always first in pity, he is always last in help.

Why is the letter P like a Roman Emperor? Because it's Nero (near O).

The beginning of eternity,
The end of time and space,
The beginning of every end,
The end of every race?

Letter E.

Why is the letter D like a squalling child? Because it makes ma mad.

Why is the letter T like an amphibious animal? Because it lives both in earth and water.

What letter of the Greek alphabet did the ex-King Otho probably last think of on leaving Athens? Oh!-my-crown (omicron).

If Old Nick were to lose his tail, where would he go to supply the deficiency? To a grog-shop, because there bad spirits are retailed.

Hold up your hand, and you will see what you never did see, never can see, and never will see. What is this? That the little finger is not so long as the middle finger.

Which were made first, elbows or knees? Knees--beasts were created before men.

What is the difference between an auction and sea-sickness? One is a sale of effects, the other the effects of a sail!

Why is credit not given at an auction? Because all goods brought to the hammer must be paid for--on the nail!

What's the difference between "living in marble halls" and aboard ship? In the former you have "vassals and serfs at your side," and in (what the Greeks call _thalatta_) the latter you have vessels and surfs at your side!

When are soldiers most admired by an infant? When they are abreast.

What sense pleases you most in an unpleasant acquaintance? Absence.

Why is a doleful face like the alternate parts taken by a choir? When it is anti-funny (antiphony).

If all the seas were dried up, what would Neptune say? I really haven't an ocean (a notion).

Why must a Yankee speculator be very subject to water on the brain? Because he has always an ocean (a notion) in his head.

The night was dark, the night was damp;
St. Bruno read by his lonely lamp:
The Fiend dropped in to make a call,
As he posted away to a fancy ball;
And "Can't I find," said the Father of Lies,
"Some present a saint may not despise?"

Wine he brought him, such as yet
Was ne'er on Pontiff's table set:
Weary and faint was the holy man,
But he crossed with a cross the tempter's can,
And saw, ere my _first_ to his parched lip came,
That it was red with liquid flame.

Jewels he showed him--many a gem
Fit for a Sultan's diadem:
Dazzled, I trow, was the anchorite;
But he told his beads with all his might;
And instead of my _second_ so rich and rare,
A pinch of worthless dust lay there.

A lady at last he handed in,
With a bright black eye and a fair white skin;
The stern ascetic flung, 'tis said,
A ponderous missal at her head;
She vanished away; and what a smell
Of my _whole_, she left in the hermit's cell!

Brim-stone.

Why is a man looking for the philosopher's stone like Neptune? Because he's a sea-king what never was!

Who do they speak of as the most delicately modest young man that ever lived? The young man who, when bathing at Long Branch, swam out to sea and drowned himself because he saw two ladies coming!

Why are seeds when sown like gate-posts? Because they propagate (prop a gate).

What is the characteristic of a watch? Modesty, as it keeps its hands before its face and runs down its own works!

When is a clock on the stairs dangerous? When it runs down!

What thing is that which is lengthened by being cut at both ends? A ditch.

When is a newspaper like a delicate child? When it appears weekly.

Who are the two largest ladies in the United States? Miss Ouri and Mrs. Sippi (Missouri and Mississippi).

What part of a locomotive train ought to have the most careful attention? The tender part.

What is the difference between a premiere danseuse and a duck? One goes quick on her beautiful legs, the other goes quack on her beautiful eggs.

Watching which dancer reminds you of an ancient law? Seeing the Taglioni's legs reminds you forcibly of the legs Taglioni's (lex talionis).

When may funds be supposed to be unsteady? When money is "tight."

My _first_ is what mortals ought to do;
My _second_ is what mortals have done;
My _whole_ is the result of my first.

Love-err (lover).

Why is fashion like a blank cartridge? Because it's all powder and puff!

Why is a man with a great many servants like an oyster? Because he's eat out of house and home.

Why is the fourth of July like oysters? Because we can't enjoy them without crackers.

Why was General Washington childless? Because a nation might call him father.

Why is a very pretty, well-made, fashionable girl like a thrifty housekeeper? Because she makes a great bustle about a small waist.

Why are ladies' dresses about the waist like a political meeting? Because there is a gathering there, and always more bustle than necessary.

Why is a young lady's bustle like an historical tale? Because it's a fiction founded on fact.

What game does a lady's bustle resemble? Back-gammon.

Why does a girl lace herself so tight to go out to dinner? Because she hears much stress laid on "Grace before meat!"

Why are women's _corsets_ the greatest speculators in the bills of mortality? Because they contract--to kill.

A stranger comes from foreign shores,
Perchance to seek relief;
Curtail him, and you find his tail
Unworthy of belief;
Curtailed again, you recognize
An old Egyptian chief.

Alien--A lie--Ali.

From a number that's odd cut off the head, it then will even be; its tail, I pray, next take away, your mother then you'll see. Seven--even--Eve.

What piece of coin is double its value by deducting its half? Half-penny!

Make V. (five) less by adding to it. IV. (four).

What is the difference between a tight boot and an oak tree? One makes acorns, the other--makes corns ache.

Why does the east wind never blow straight? Because it blows oblique (blows so bleak).

What would be an appropriate exclamation for a man to make when cold, in a boat, out fishing? When, D. V., we get off this _eau_, we'll have some eau-d-v.

How would you increase the speed of a very slow boat? Make her fast.

What should put the idea of drowning into your head if it be freezing when you are on the briny deep? Because you would wish to "scuttle" the ship if the air was coal'd.

What sort of an anchor has a toper an anchoring after? An anker (just ten gallons) of brandy.

Why was Moses the wickedest man that ever lived? Because he broke all the ten commandments at once.

Why should a candle-maker never be pitied? Because all his works are wicked; and all his wicked works, when brought to light, are only made light of.

Why can a fish never be in the dark? Because of his parafins (pair o' fins).

When is a candle like an ill-conditioned, quarrelsome man? When it is put out before it has time to flare up and blaze away.

Why is love like a candle? Because the longer it burns the less it becomes.

Why is the blessed state of matrimony like an invested city? Because when out of it we wish to be in it, and when in it we wish to be out of it.

Why are sentries like day and night? Because when one comes the other goes.

When does the eagle turn carpenter? When he soars (saws) across the woods--and plains.

We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like? An ax with a dull edge, because it must be ground before it can be used.

When is a carpenter like a circumstance? When he alters cases.

How many young ladies does it take to reach from New York to Philadelphia? About one hundred, because a Miss is as good as a mile.

Tell us why it is vulgar to send a telegram? Because it is making use of flash language.

Why is a spider a good correspondent? Because he drops a line by every post.

What is the difference between a correspondent and a co-respondent? One is a man who does write, and the other a man who does wrong.

O tell us what kind of servants are best for hotels? The Inn-experienced.

Why is a waiter like a race-horse? Because he runs for cups, and plates, and steaks (stakes).

What sort of a day would be a good one to run for a cup? A muggy one.

Why are sugar-plums like race-horses? Because the more you lick them the faster they go.

What extraordinary kind of meat is to be bought in the Isle of Wight? Mutton from Cowes.

Why ought a greedy man to wear a plaid waistcoat? To keep a check on his stomach.

What wine is both food and drink? Port wine with a crust.

When a church is burning, what is the only part that runs no chance of being saved? The organ, because the engine can't play upon it.

When does a farmer double up a sheep without hurting it? When he folds it.

When are sheep stationery? When turned into pens, and into paper when fold-ed.

Why are circus-horses such slow goers? Because they are taught-'orses (tortoises).

I am forever, yet was never. Eternity.

Why is a railroad-car like a bed-bug? Because it runs on sleepers.

Why is it impossible for a man to boil his father thoroughly. Because he can only be par-boiled.

What soup would cannibals prefer? The broth of a boy.

Why is an old coat like iron? Because it is a specimen of hard-ware.

Place three sixes together, so as to make seven. 6 6-6.

Add one to nine and make it twenty. IX--cross the _I_, it makes XX.

My first of anything is half,
My second is complete;
And so remains until once more
My first and second meet.

Semi-circle.

Why is lip-salve like a duenna? Because it's meant to keep the chaps off!

Why are the bars of a convent like a blacksmith's apron? Because they keep the sparks off!

Apropos of convents, what man had no father? Joshua, the son of Nun!

Why is confessing to a father confessor like killing bees. Because you unbuzz-em (unbosom)!

Why, when you are going out of town, does a railroad conductor cut a hole in your ticket? To let you pass through.

What is that which never asks questions, yet requires many answers? The door-knocker.

How many cows' tails would it take to reach from New York to Boston, upon the rule of eleven and five-eighth inches to the foot, and having all the ground leveled between the two places? One, if it was long enough.

What is the only form in this world which all nations, barbarous, civilized, and otherwise, are agreed upon following? The female form.

What is the greatest instance on record of the power of the magnet? A young lady, who drew a gentleman thirteen miles and a half every Sunday of his life.

When are handcuffs like knapsacks? When made for two-wrists (tourists).

What is that which, when you are going over the White Mountains, goes up-hill and down-hill, and all over everywhere, yet never moves? The road.

Why is a coach going down a steep hill like St. George? Because it's always drawn with the drag-on.

When are babies traveling abroad? When going to Brest.

Name the most unsociable things in the world? Milestones; for you never see two of them together.

What is the cheapest way of procuring a fiddle? Buy some castor-oil and you will get a vial in (violin).

What is that which every one wishes, and yet wants to get rid of as soon as it is obtained? A good appetite.

When is an old lady like a trout. When she takes a fly that brings her to the bank.

What is the differedce betweed ad orgadist ad the influedza? Wud dose the stops, the other stops the dose.

What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill? A draft.

What is a good sleeping-draught? Taking a doze.

Why is a man clearing a hedge at a single bound like one snoring? Because he does it in his leap (his sleep).

Why are ladies--whether sleeping on sofas or not--like hinges? Because they are things to a door (adore).

Why is a door that refuses to open or shut properly like a man unable to walk, his leg being broken? Because both cases are the result of a hinge-awry (injury)!

What relation is the door-mat to the door-step? A step-farther.

Why is a door always in the subjunctive mood? Because it's always wood (would)--or should be.

There was a carpenter who made a cupboard-door; it proved too big; he cut it, and unfortunately then he cut it too little; he thereupon cut it again and made it fit beautifully; how was this? He didn't cut it enough the first time.

Why is an actress like an angel? Because we never see one but what is painted.

Why are your eyes like post-horses? Because they are continually under the lashes.

My _first_ was one of high degree,--
So thought he.
He fell in love with the Lady Blank,
With her eyes so bright and form so lank.
She was quite the beauty to his mind,
And had two little pages tripping behind,

But Lady Blank was already wed;
And 'twas said
That her lord had made a jealous shock.
So he kept her in with his wonderful lock.
My _second_ hung dangling by his side,
With two little chains by which it was tied.

The lady unto her lover spoke:
(A capital joke),
"If you can pick that terrible lock,
Then at my chamber you may knock;
I'll open my door in good disguise,
And you shall behold my two little eyes."

Said the nobleman of high degree:
"Let--me--see!
I know none so clever at these little jobs,
As the Yankee mechanic, John Hobbs, John Hobbs;
I'll send for him, and he shall undo,
In two little minutes the door to you."

At night John Hobbs he went to work,
And with a jerk
Turn'd back the lock, and called to my _first_,
To see that my _second_ the ward had burst--
When my _first_, with delight he opened the door,
There came from within a satirical roar,
For my _first_ and my _whole_ stood face to face,
A queer-looking pair in a queer-looking place.

Don-key.

Why is a leaky barrel like a coward? Because it runs.

Why are good resolutions like fainting ladies? Because they want carrying out.

Take away my first letter, I remain unchanged; take away my second letter, there is no apparent alteration in me; take away all my letters and I still continue unchanged. The postman.

Why is love always represented as a child? Because he never reaches the age of discretion.

Why is love like a canal-boat? Because it's an internal transport.

Why is a new-born baby like a storm? Because it begins with a squall.

O'Donoghue came to the hermit's cell;
He climbed the ladder, he pulled the bell;
"I have ridden," said he, "with the saint to dine
On his richest meal and his reddest wine."

The hermit hastened my _first_ to fill
With water from the limpid rill;
And "drink," quoth he, of the "juice, brave knight,
Which breeds no fever, and prompts no fight."

The hermit hastened my _second_ to spread
With stalks of lettuce and crusts of bread;
And "taste," quoth he, "of the cates, fair guest,
Which bring no surfeit, and break no rest."

Hasty and hungry the chief explored
My _whole_ with the point of his ready sword,
And found, as yielded the latch and lock,
A pasty of game and a flagon of hock.

Cup-board.

When is a school-master like a man with one eye? When he has a vacancy for a pupil.

Why are dogs and cats like school-masters and their pupils? Because one is of the canine (canin'), the other of the feline (feelin') species.

Why will seeing a school-boy being thoroughly well switched bring to your lips the same exclamation as seeing a man lifting down half a pig, hanging from a hook? Because he's a pork-reacher (poor creature).

Apropos of pork hanging, what should a man about to be hung have for breakfast? A hearty-choke (artichoke) and a _h_oister (oyster).

Why is a wainscoted room like a reprieve? Because it saves hanging.

Why is the hangman's noose like a box with nothing in it? Because it's hemp-tie (empty).

Why is a man hung better than a vagabond? Because he has visible means of support.

My _first_ is a thing, though not very bewitchin',
Is of infinite use when placed in the kitchen;
My _second's_ a song, which, though a strange thing,
No one person living could ever yet sing;
My _whole_ is a man, who's a place in the City,
But the last of his race you'd apply to for pity?

Jack Catch!

Mention the name of an object which has two heads, one tail, four legs on one side, and two on the other? A lady on horseback.

Why is a four-quart jug like a lady's side-saddle? Because it holds a gall-on.

How do angry women prove themselves strong-nerved? They exhibit their "presents of mind" by "giving you a bit of it!"

How is it you can never tell a lady's real hysterics from her sham ones? Because, in either case, it's a feint (faint).

When may ladies who are enjoying themselves be said to look wretched? When at the opera, as then they are in tiers (tears).

When is a man like a green gooseberry? When a woman makes a fool of him.

What kind of a book might a man wish his wife to resemble? An almanac; for then he could have a new one every year.

When is a bonnet not a bonnet? When it becomes a pretty woman.

What, as milliners say, is "the sweetest thing in bonnets?" A lady's two-lips.

There is a noun of plural number,
Foe to peace and tranquil slumber;
But add to it the letter s,
And--wond'rous metamorphosis--
Plural is plural now no more,
And sweet what bitter was before?

Cares--caress.

If you were kissing a young lady, who was very spooney (and a nice, ladel-like girl), what would be her opinion of newspapers during the operation? She wouldn't want any _Spectators_, nor _Observers_, but plenty of _Times_.

Look in the papers, I'm sure to appear;
Look in the oven, perhaps I am there;
Sometimes I assist in promoting a flame,
Sometimes I extinguish--now, reader, my name?

Puff.

If a bear were to go into a dry-goods store, what would he want? Muzzlin' (muslin).

When my first is broken, it stands in need of my second, and my whole is part of a lady's dress? Rib-band.

Let us inquire why a vine is like a soldier? Because it is 'listed, trained, has tendrils, and then shoots.

Why is a blacksmith the most likely person to make money by causing the alphabet to quarrel? Because he makes A poke-R and shove-L, and gets paid for so doing?

If the poker, shovel, and tongs cost $7.75, what would a ton of coals come to? To ashes.

What part of a lady's dress can a blacksmith make? No, no, not her crinoline; guess again; why, her-mits. [Nonsense, we don't mean hermits; we mean he can make an anchor right (anchorite).]

Why is a blacksmith the most dissatisfied of all mechanics? Because he is always on the strike for wages.

What is the difference between photography and the whooping-cough? One makes fac similes, the other sick families.

Why is a wide-awake hat so called? Because it never had a nap, and never wants any.

What is the difference between a young lady and a wide-awake hat? One has feeling, the other is felt.

One of the most "wide-awake" people we ever heard of was a "one-eyed beggar," who bet a friend he could see more with his one eye than the friend could see with two. How was this? Because he saw his friend's two eyes, whilst the other only saw his one.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing omnibuses.

Why is an umbrella like a pancake? Because it's seldom seen after Lent.

Why is a washerwoman like Saturday? Because she brings in the clothes (close) of the week.

Why is a washerwoman the most cruel person in the world? Because she daily wrings men's bosoms.

Why are laundresses no better than idiots? Because they try to catch soft water when it rains hard.

Who is the oldest lunatic on record? Time out of mind.

I am a good state, there can be no doubt of it;
But those who are in, entirely are out of it.

Sane--insane.

When is a man more than one man? When he's one beside himself.

What is better than presence of mind in a railroad accident? Absence of body.

What is the difference between the punctual arrival of a train and a collision? One is quite an accident, the other isn't!

Why are ladies who wear large crinolines ugly? Because they are not even passable.

How many people does a termagant of a wife make herself and worser half amount to? Ten: herself, 1; husband, 0--total, 10.

What is the superlative of temper? Tempest?

What author would eye-glasses and spectacles mention to the world if they could only speak? You see by us (Eusebius)!

Why is a wax candle like Mr. Dickens'--the immortal Dickens'--last book? Because it's a cereal (serial) work.

If you suddenly saw a house on fire, what three celebrated authors would you feel at once disposed to name? Dickens--Howitt--Burns.

When is a slug like a poem of Tennyson's? When it's in a garden ("Enoch Arden")!

What question of three words may be asked Tennyson concerning a brother poet, the said question consisting of the names of three poets only? Watt's Tupper's Wordsworth (what's Tupper's words worth)?

Name the difference between a field of oats and M. F. Tupper? One is cut down, the other cut up!

How do we know Lord Byron did not wear a wig? Because every one admired his coarse-hair (corsair) so much!

Why ought Shakespeare's dramatic works be considered unpopular? Because they contain Much Ado About Nothing.

Why was Dickens a greater man than Shakespeare? Because Shakespeare wrote well, but Dickens wrote Weller.

Why are apples like printers' types? Because they are often in _pi(e)_.

How do we know Lord Byron was good-tempered? Because he always kept his choler (collar) down!

How can you instantly convict one of error when stating who was the earliest poet? By mentioning one Prior.

What is the most melancholy fact in the history of Milton? That he could "recite" his poems, but not resight himself!

Why do we speak of poetic fire? Because, if the ancient Scandinavians had their "Scalds," we have also had our Burns!

If a tough beef-steak could speak, what English poet would it mention? Chaw-sir (Chaucer)!

Why has Hanlon, the gymnast, such a wonderful digestion? Because he lives on ropes and poles, and thrives.

If Hanlon fell off his trapeze, what would he fall against? Why, most certainly against his inclination.

What song would a little dog sing who was blown off a ship at sea? "My Bark is on the Sea."

What did the sky-terrier do when he came out of the ark? He went smelling about for ere-a-rat (Ararat) that was there to be found.

What did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dog's tail? "After you!"

What did the pistol-ball say to the wounded duelist? "I hope I give satisfaction."

What is the difference between an alarm bell put on a window at night and half an oyster? One is shutter-bell, the other but a shell.

I am borne on the gale in the stillness of night,
A sentinel's signal that all is not right.
I am not a swallow, yet skim o'er the wave;
I am not a doctor, yet patients I save;
When the sapling has grown to a flourishing tree,
It finds a protector henceforward in me?

Bark!

Why is a little dog's tail like the heart of a tree? Because it's farthest from the bark.

Why are the Germans like quinine and gentian? Because they are two tonics (Teutonics).

My first is a prop, my second's a prop, and my whole is a prop? A foot-stool.

My _first_ I hope you are,
My _second_ I see you are,
My _whole_ I know you are.

Wel-come.

My first is not, nor is my second, and there is no doubt that, until you have guessed this puzzle, you may reckon it my whole? Non-plus.

What is the difference between killed soldiers and repaired garments? The former are dead men, and the latter are mended (dead).

Why is a worn-out shoe like ancient Greece? Because it once had a Solon (sole on).

Why is swearing aloud like an old coat? Because it's a bad habit.

What's the difference between a man and his tailor, when the former is in prison at the latter's suit? He's let him in, and he won't let him out.

When does a man double his capital? When he makes one pound two every day.

You don't know what the exact antipodes to Ireland is? You mean to say you don't? Nonsense. Why, suppose we were to bore a hole exactly through the earth, starting from Dublin, and you went in at this end, where would you come out? Where would you come out? why, out of the hole, to be sure.

What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and a Baptist? One uses wax candles--the other dips!

What is the difference between a Roman Catholic priest and Signor Mario? One sings mass in white, and the other mass in yellow (Masaniello).

Why, when you paint a man's portrait, may you be described as stepping into his shoes? Because you make his feet-yours (features).

What is the very best and cheapest light, especially for painters? Daylight.

Why should painters never allow children to go into their studios? Because of them easels (the measles) which are there.

Why is it not extraordinary to find a painter's studio as hot as an oven? Because it is there he makes his bread.

Why may a beggar wear a very short coat? Because it will be long enough before he gets another.

Where should you feel for the poor? In your pocket, to be sure.

What is the best way of making a coat last? Make the trousers and waistcoat first.

Talking about waistcoats, why was Balaam like a Lifeguardsman? Because he went about with his queer ass (cuirass).

In what tongue did Balaam's donkey speak? Probably in he-bray-ic (Hebraic).

If you become surety at a police-court for the reappearance of prisoners, why are you like the most extraordinary ass that ever lived? Because you act the part of a donkey to bail 'em (Balaam).

Why is the Apollo Belvidere like a piece of new music? Because it's a new ditty in its tone (a nudity in stone).

I am white, and I'm brown; I am large, and I'm small;
Male and female I am, and yet that's not all--
I've a head without brains, and a mouth without wit;
I can stand without legs, but I never can sit.
Although I've no mind, I am false and I'm true,
Can be faithful and constant to time and to you;
I am praised and I'm blamed for faults not my own,
But I feel both as little as if I were stone.

A bust.

When does a sculptor explode in strong convulsions? When he makes faces and--and--busts!

Why was "Uncle Tom's Cabin" not written by a female hand? Because it was written by Mrs. Beecher's toe (Stowe).

Why is intoxication like a slop bowl? 'Cos it am de-basin' (debasing)!

When my first is my last, like a Protean elf,
Will black become white, and a part of yourself?

Ebon--bone.

Why is a short negro like a lady's light-blue organdy muslin dress, when it is trimmed with poppies and corn-flowers, and she wears it at a Monday hop? Because he's not at-all black!

Why is a black man necessarily a conjurer? Because he's a negro-man-sir (necromancer).

Apropos of blacks, why is a shoe-black like an editor? Because he polishes the understandings of his patrons.

What is that which is black, white, and red all over, which shows some people to be green, and makes others look black and blue? A newspaper.

[Some wag said that when he wanted to see if any of his friends were married, he looked in the "news of the weak!"]

When is a newspaper the sharpest? When it is filed.

Why is a newspaper like an army? Because it has leaders, columns, and reviews.

Why are little boys that loaf about the docks like hardware merchants? Because they sell iron and steel (steal) for a living.

ECHOES.

What must be done to conduct a newspaper right? Write.

What is necessary to a farmer to assist him? System.

What would give a blind man the greatest delight. Light.

What is the best advice to give a justice of the peace? Peace.

Who commits the greatest abominations? Nations.

Who is the greatest terrifier? Fire.

Why is Joseph Gillott a very bad man? Because he wishes to accustom the public to steel (steal) pens, and then tries to persuade them that they do (right) write.

Ever eating, ever cloying,
Never finding full repast,
All devouring, all destroying,
Till it eats the world at last?

Fire.

What is that which, though black itself, enlightens the world? Ink.

When is a sailor not a sailor? When he's a-board.

If you drive a nail in a board and clinch it on the other side, why is it like a sick man? Because it is in firm.

Why is the steeple of St. Paul's church like Ireland? Because there is a bell fast (Belfast) in it.

Why is a pretty young lady like a wagon-wheel? Because she is surrounded by felloes (fellows).

What mechanic never turns to the left? A wheelwright.

Why is opening a letter like taking a very queer method of getting into a room? Because it is breaking through the sealing (ceiling).

Why are persons with short memories like office-holders? Because they are always for-getting everything.

Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring year are called? Nov-ember and Dec-ember.

What word is it which expresses two things we men all wish to get, one bringing the other, but which if we do get them the one bringing the other, we are unhappy? Miss-fortune!

Why is it dangerous to take a nap in a train? Because the cars invariably run over sleepers.

Why are suicides invariably successful people in the world? Because they always manage to accomplish their own ends.

Why are the "blue devils" like muffins? Because they are both fancy bred (bread).

What would be a good epitaph on a duckling just dead? Peas (peace) to its remains!

Why should the "evil one" make a good husband? Because the deuce can never be-tray!

Why is money often moist? Because it's frequently dew (due) in the morning, and mist (missed) at night.

What part of a lady's face in January is like a celebrated fur? Chin-chilly!

What's the difference between a calf and a lady who lets her dress draggle in the mud? One sucks milk, the other--unfortunately for our boots--mucks silk.

What is the best word of command to give a lady who is crossing a muddy road? Dress up in front, close (clothes) up behind.

What is that from which you may take away the whole, and yet have some left? The word whole-some.

Complete, you'll own, I commonly am seen
On garments new, and old, the rich, the mean;
On ribbons gay I court your admiration,
But yet I'm oft a cause for much vexation
To those on whom I make a strong impression;
The meed, full oft, of folly or transgression;
Curtail me, I become a slender shred,
And 'tis what I do before I go to bed,
But an excursion am without my head;
Again complete me, next take off my head,
Then will be seen a savory dish instead;
Again behead me, and, without dissection,
I'm what your fruit is when in full perfection;
Curtailed--the verb to tear appears quite plain;
Take head and tail off,--I alone remain.

Stripe; strip; trip; tripe; ripe; rip; I.

Why is an artist stronger than a horse? Because he can draw the capitol at Washington all by himself, and take it clean away in his pocket if necessary.

Apropos of money, etc., why are lawyers such uneasy sleepers? Because they lie first on one side, and then on the other, and remain wide awake all the time.

And what do they do when they die? Lie still.

When is a lawyer like a donkey? When drawing a conveyance.

What proverb must a lawyer not act up to? He must not take the will for the deed.

Those who have me do not wish for me;
Those who have me do not wish to lose me;
Those who gain me have me no longer;

Law-suit.

If an attorney sent his clerk to a client with a bill and the client tells him to "go to the d----l," where does the clerk go? Straight back to the lawyer.

Un filou peut-il prendre pour devise, Honneur à Dieu? Non, car il faut qu'il dise, Adieu honneur.

Why will scooping out a turnip be a noisy process? Because it makes it hollow.

What is the difference between a choir-master and ladies' dresses, A. D. 1869? The one trains a choir, the others acquire trains.

When is sugar like a pig's tooth? When in a hog's head.

If you met a pig in tears, what animal's name might you mention to it? Pork you pine.

The proverb says, "One swallow does not make Spring;" when is the proverb wrong? When the swallow is one gulp at a big boiling hot cup of tea in a railway station, as, if that one swallow does not make one spring, we should be glad to hear what does.

How many Spanish noblemen does it take to make one American run? Ten-dons!

What is that which we all swallow before we speak? Pap!

Enigma guessers, tell me what I am.
I've been a drake, a fox, a hare, a lamb--
You all possess me, and in every street
In varied shape and form with me you'll meet;
With Christians I am never single known,
Am green, or scarlet, brown, white, gray, or stone.
I dwelt in Paradise with Mother Eve,
And went with her, when she, alas! did leave.
To Britain with Caractacus I came,
And made Augustus Cæsar known to fame.
The lover gives me on his wedding-day,
The poet writes me in his natal lay;
The father always gives me to each son,
It matters not if he has twelve or one;
But has he daughters?--then 'tis plainly shown
That I to them am seldom but a loan.

Name.

What is that which belongs to yourself, yet is used by every one more than yourself? Your name.

What tongue is it that frequently hurts and grieves you, and yet does not speak a word? The tongue of your shoe.

What's the difference between the fire coming out of a steamship's chimney and the steam coming out of a flannel shirt airing? One is the flames from the funnel, the other the fumes from the flannel.

Why is a Joint Company not like a watch? Because it does _not_ go on after it is wound up!

When may a man be said to be personally involved? When he is wrapped up in himself.

Why ought golden sherry to suit tipplers? Because it's topers' (topaz) color.

What was it gave the Indian eight and ten-legged gods their name of Manitous? Why, their many toes, of course!

What should a man's wife be like? A lamb; young, playful, tender, nicely dressed, and with--"mint" sauce!

Why should we pity the young Exquimaux? Because each one of them is born to blubber!

What kind of a hen lays the longest? A dead hen.

Why _does_ a man permit himself to be henpecked? Because he's chicken-hearted!

What wind should a hungry sailor wish for? One that blows fowl and chops about.

Why is your considering yourself handsome like a chicken? Because it's a matter of a-pinion (opinion)!