Chapter III: Part 3

What is the difference between a hen and an idle musician? One lays at pleasure; the other plays at leisure.

Why would a compliment from a chicken be an insult? Because it would be in fowl (foul) language!

What is the difference between a chicken who can't hold its head up and seven days? One is a weak one, and the other is one week.

Why are book-keepers like chickens? Because they have to scratch for a living.

Why is an aristocratic seminary for young ladies like a flower garden? Because it's a place of haughty culture (horticulture)!

Why are young ladies born deaf sure to be more exemplary than young ladies not so afflicted? Because they have never erred (heard) in their lives!

Why are deaf people like India shawls? Because you can't make them here (hear)!

Why is an undutiful son like one born deaf? Because your voice is lost upon him!

What is the difference between a spendthrift and a pillow? One is hard up, the other is soft down!

Which is the more valuable, a five-dollar note or five gold dollars? The note, because when you put it in your pocket you double it, and when you take it out again you see it increases.

It is often asked who introduced salt pork into the Navy. Noah, when he took Ham into the Ark.

Who was the first man? Chap. I.--mentioned in Genesis.

Who took in the first newspapers? Cain took A-Bell's Life, and Joshua countermanded the Sun.

Why was Noah obliged to stoop on entering the Ark? Because, although the Ark was high, Noah was a higher ark (hierarch).

In what place did the cock crow so loud that all the world heard him? In the Ark.

What animal took the most luggage in the Ark, and which the least? The elephant, who had his trunk, while the fox and the cock had only a brush and comb between them.

Some one mentioning that "columba" was the Latin for a "dove," it gave rise to the following: What is the difference between the Old World and the New? The former was discovered by Columba, who started from Noah; the latter by Columbus, who started from Ge-noa.

What became of Lot when his wife was turned into a pillar of salt? He took a fresh one.

What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and Columbus? One is a dish-cover, the other a dis(h)coverer.

What is the best way to hide a bear; it doesn't matter how big he is--bigger the better? Skin him.

I was before man, I am over his doom,
And I dwell on his mind like a terrible gloom.
In my garments the whole Creation I hold,
And these garments no being but God can unfold.
Look upward to heaven I baffle your view,
Look into the sea and your sight I undo.
Look back to the Past--I appear like a power,
That locks up the tale of each unnumbered hour.
Look forth to the Future, my finger will steal
Through the mists of the night, and affix its dread seal.
Ask the flower why it grows, ask the sun why it shines,
Ask the gems of the earth why they lie in its mines;
Ask the earth why it flies through the regions of space,
And the moon why it follows the earth in its race;
And each object my name to your query shall give,
And ask you again why you happened to live.
The world to disclose me pays terrible cost,
Yet, when I'm revealed, I'm instantly lost.

Mystery.

Why is a Jew in a fever like a diamond? Because he's a Jew-ill (jewel).

Why is a rakish Hebrew like this joke? Because he's a Jew de spree (jeu d'esprit).

What is the difference between Solomon and Rothschild? One was king of the Jews, the other Jew of the kings.

Why are lawyers like shears? Because they don't cut each other, but only what comes between them.

Why is the law like a flight of rockets? Because there is a great expense of powder, the cases are well got up, the reports are excellent, but the sticks are sure to come to the ground.

Which is the smallest bridge in the world? The bridge of your nose.

What is the most difficult river on which to get a boat? Arno, because they're Arno boats there.

What poem of Hood's resembles a tremendous Roman nose? The bridge of size (sighs).

Why is conscience like the check-string of a carriage? Because it's an inward check on the outward man.

I seldom speak, but in my sleep;
I never cry, but sometimes weep;
Chameleon-like, I live on air,
And dust to me is dainty fare?

The nose.

What snuff-taker is that whose box gets fuller the more pinches he takes? The snuffers.

Why are your nose and chin constantly at variance? Because words are continually passing between them.

Why is the nose on your face like the _v_ in "civility?" Because it's between two eyes.

Name that which with only one eye put out has but a nose left. Noise.

What is that which you can go nowhere without, and yet is of no use to you? Noise.

What is that which stands fast, yet sometimes runs fast? The nose.

When has a man four hands? When he doubles his fists.

The tea-things were gone, and round grandpapa's chair
The young people tumultuously came;
"Now give us a puzzle, dear grandpa," they cried;
"An enigma, or some pretty game."

"You shall have an enigma--a puzzling one, too,"
Said the old man, with fun in his eye;
"You all know it well; it is found in this room;
Now, see who'll be first to reply:"

1. In a bright sunny clime was the place of my birth,
Where flourished and grew on my native earth;
2. And my parents' dear side ne'er left for an hour
Until gain-seeking man got me into his power--
3. When he bore me away o'er the wide ocean wave,
And now daily and hourly to serve him I slave.
4. I am used by the weakly to keep them from cold,
5. And the nervous and timid I tend to make bold;
6. To destruction sometimes I the heedless betray,
7. Or may shelter the head from the heat of the day.
8. I am placed in the mouth to make matters secure,
9. But that none wish to eat me I feel pretty sure.
10. The minds of the young I oft serve to amuse,
While the blood through their systems I freely diffuse;
11. And in me may the representation be seen
Of the old ruined castle, or church on the green.

What Egyptian official would a little boy mention if he were to call his mother to the window to see something wonderful? Mammy-look (Mameluke).

What's the difference between a Bedouin Arab and a milkman in a large way of business? One has high dromedaries, the other has hired roomy dairies (higher dromedaries).

Why was the whale that swallowed Jonah like a milkman who has retired on an independence? Because he took a great profit (prophet) out of the water.

What's the difference between Charles Kean and Jonah? One was brought up at Eton, the other was eaten and brought up.

I've led the powerful to deeds of ill,
And to the good have given determined will.
In battle-fields my flag has been outspread,
Amid grave senators my followers tread.
A thousand obstacles impede my upward way,
A thousand voices to my claim say, "Nay;"
For none by me have e'er been urged along,
But envy follow'd them and breath'd a tale of wrong.
Yet struggling upward, striving still to be
Worshiped by millions--by the bond and free;
I've fought my way, and on the hills of Fame,
The trumpet's blast pronounced the loud acclaim.
When by the judgment of the world I've been
Hurl'd from the heights my eyes have scarcely seen,
And I have found the garland o'er my head
Too frail to live--my home was with the dead.

Ambition.

Why was Oliver Cromwell like Charles Kean? Give it up, do; you don't know it; you can't guess it. Why?--because he was--Kean after Charles.

What is the difference between a soldier and a fisherman? One bayonets--the other nets a bay.

Ladies who wish the married state to gain,
May learn a lesson from this brief charade;
And proud are we to think our humble muse
May in such vital matters give them aid.

The Lady B---- (we must omit the name)
Was tall in stature and advanced in years,
And leading long a solitary life
Oft grieved her, even to the fall of tears.

At length a neighbor, bachelor, and old,
But not too old to match the Lady B----,
Feeling his life monotonous and cold,
Proposed to her that they should wedded be.

Proposed, and was accepted--need we say?
Even the wedding-day and dress were named;
And gossips' tongues had conn'd the matter o'er--
Some praised the union, others strongly blamed.

The Lady B----, whose features were my _first_,
Was well endowed with beauties that are rare,
Well read, well spoken--had, indeed, a mind
With which few of the sex called tender can compare.

But the old bachelor had all the ways
Of one grown fidgety in solitude;
And he at once in matters not his own
Began unseemly and untimely to intrude.

What is the difference between a cloud and a whipped child? One pours with rain, the other roars with pain!

When will water stop running down hill? Why, when it gets to the bottom.

Why are doctors always wicked men? Because the worse people are the more they are with them!

If a dirty sick man be ordered to wash to get well, why is it like four letters of the alphabet? Because it's soapy cure (it's o-p-q-r)!

What sort of a medical man is a horse that never tumbles down like? An 'ack who's sure (accoucheur)!

My father was a slippery lad, and died 'fore I was born,
My ancestors lived centuries before I gained my form.
I always lived by sucking, I ne'er ate any bread,
I wasn't good for anything till after I was dead.
They bang'd and they whang'd me, they turned me outside in,
They threw away my body, saved nothing but my skin.
When I grew old and crazy--was quite worn out and thin,
They tore me all to pieces, and made me up again.
And then I traveled up and down the country for a teacher,
To some of those who saw me, I was good as any preacher.

Flax.

Why is a jeweler like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces the ears for the sake of ornament!

What sort of music should a girl sing whose voice is cracked and broken? Pieces!

Why is an old man's head like a song "executed" (murdered) by an indifferent singer? Because it's often terribly bawled (bald)!

What is better than an indifferent singer in a drawing-room after dinner? A different one.

Why is a school-mistress like the letter C? Because she forms lasses into classes.

If an egg were found on a music-stool, what poem of Sir Walter Scott's would it remind you of? The Lay of the Last Minstrel.

Why would an owl be offended at your calling him a pheasant? Because you would be making game of him!

John Smith, Esq., went out shooting, and took his interestingly sagacious pointer with him; this noble quadrupedal, and occasionally graminiverous specimen, went not before, went not behind, nor on one side of him; then where did the horrid brute go? Why, on the other side of him, of course.

My _first_, a messenger of gladness;
My _last_, an instrument of sadness;
My _whole_ looked down upon my last and smiled--
Upon a wretch disconsolate and wild.
But when my _whole_ looked down and smiled no more,
That wretch's frenzy and his pain were o'er.

Sun-beam.

Why is a bad hat like a fierce snarling pup dog? Because it snaps (its nap's) awful.

My _first_ is my _second_ and my _whole_. Pa-pa.

How is it the affections of young ladies, notwithstanding they may protest and vow constancy, are always doubtful? Because they are only miss givings.

Why is a hunted fox like a Puseyite? Because he's a tracked-hairy-un (tractarian).

Why did Du Chaillu get so angry when he was quizzed about the gorilla? Because his monkey was up!

What's the difference between the cook at an eating-house and Du Chaillu? One lives by the gridiron, the other by the g'riller.

Why is the last conundrum like a monkey? Because it is far fetched and full of nonsense.

My first, loud chattering, through the air,
Bounded 'mid tree-tops high,
Then saw his image mirror'd, where
My second murmured by.

Taking it for a friend, he strayed
T'wards where the stream did roll,
And was the sort of fool that's made
The first day of my whole.

Ape-ril (1).

What grows the less tired the more it works? A carriage-wheel.

Which would you rather, look a greater fool than you are, or be a greater fool than you look? Let a person choose, then say, "That's impossible."

What was Joan of Arc made of? She was--we have every reason to believe--Maid of Orleans!

Which would you rather, that a lion ate you or a tiger? Why, you would rather that the lion ate the tiger, of course!

When does a leopard change his spots? When he moves from one spot to another!

I paint without colors, I fly without wings,
I people the air with most fanciful things;
I hear sweetest music where no sound is heard,
And eloquence moves me, nor utters a word.
The past and the present together I bring,
The distant and near gather under my wing.
Far swifter than lightning my wonderful flight,
Through the sunshine of day, or the darkness of night;
And those who would find me, must find me, indeed,
As this picture they scan, and this poesy read.

Imagination.

A pudding-bag is a pudding-bag, and a pudding-bag has what everything else has; what is it? A name.

What vegetable does a lady's tongue resemble? The scarlet runner!

Why was it, as an old woman in a scarlet cloak was crossing a field in which a goat was browsing, that a most wonderful metamorphosis took place? Because the goat turned to butter (butt her), and the antique party to a scarlet runner!

What is the most wonderful animal in the farm-yard? A pig, because he is killed and then cured!

Why does a stingy German like mutton better than venison? Because he prefers "zat vich is sheep to zat vich is deer."

Which animal is the heaviest in all creation? A le(a)d horse.

'Twas winter, and some merry boys
To their comrades beckoned,
And forth they ran with laughing tongues,
And much enjoyed my _second_.

And as the sport was followed up,
There rose a gladsome burst,
When lucklessly amid their group
One fell upon my _first_.

There is with those of larger growth
A winter of the soul,
And when _they_ fall, too oft, alas!
They evidence my _whole_.

Back-slide.

Why has the beast that carries the Queen of Siam's palanquin nothing whatever to do with the subject? Because it's her elephant (irrelevant).

What did the seven wise men of Greece do when they met the sage of Hindoostan? Eight saw sages (ate sausages).

What small animal is turned into a large one by being beheaded? Fox--ox.

Why is an elephant's head different from any other head? Because if you cut his head off his body, you don't take it from the trunk.

Which has most legs, a cow or no cow? No cow has eight legs.

Why is a cent like a cow? Because it has a head and a tail and two sides.

When a hen is sitting across the top of a five-barred gate, why is she like a cent? Because she has a head one side and a tail the other.

Why do old maids wear mittens? To keep off the chaps.

Why does a miller wear a white hat? To keep his head warm.

What is the difference between a winter storm and a child with a cold? In the one it snows, it blows; the other it blows its nose.

Who are generally most sick of children? The people who "bring them up."

Who are children most sick of? The mothers that bore them.

What is one of the greatest, yet withal most melancholy wonders in life? The fact that it both begins and ends with--an earse (a nurse).

What is the difference between the cradle and the grave? The one is for the first born, the other for the last bourne!

Why is a wet-nurse like Vulcan? Because she is engaged to wean-us (Venus).

What great astronomer is like Venus's chariot? Her-shell (Herschell).

Why does a woman residing up two pairs of stairs remind you of a goddess? Because she's a second Floorer (Flora).

If a young lady were to wish her father to pull her on the river, what classical name might she mention? You-row-pa (Europa).

How do we know that Jupiter wore very pinching boots? Because we read of his struggles with the tight uns (Titans).

What hairy Centaur could not possibly be spared from the story of Hercules? The one that is--Nessus-hairy!

To be said to your _inamorata_, your lady love: What's the difference between Jupiter and your very humble servant? Jupiter liked nectar and ambrosia; I like to be next yer and embrace yer!

When was wit a father? When a pun became apparent (a parent).

Why was Pharaoh's daughter like a broker? Because she got a little prophet (profit) from the rushes on the bank.

Why is the treadmill like a true convert? Because its turning is the result of conviction.

What is the difference between a wealthy toper and a skillful miner? One turns his gold into quarts, the other turns his quartz into gold!

Why is a mad bull an animal of convivial disposition? Because he offers a horn to every one he meets.

How does a tipsy man generally look? Dizzy-pated!

Why is a drunkard hesitating to sign the pledge like a skeptical Hindoo? Because he is in doubt whether to give up his jug or not (Juggernaut).

What does a man who has had a glass too much call a chronometer? A watch-you-may-call-it!

What is the difference between a chess-player and an habitual toper? One watches the pawn, the other pawns the watch.

You eat it, you drink it, deny who can;
It is sometimes a woman and sometimes a man?

A toast.

When is it difficult to get one's watch out of one's pocket? When it's (s)ticking there.

What does a salmon breeder do to that fish's ova? He makes an egg-salmon-nation of them.

Why does a salmon die before it lives? Because its existence is ova (over) before it comes to life.

Why is a man who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler? Because he's no better.

My _first_ may be to a lady a comfort or a bore,
My _second_, where you are, you may for comfort shut the door.
My _whole_ will be a welcome guest
Where tea and tattle yield their zest.

Muff-in.

What's the difference between a fish dinner and a racing establishment? At the one a man finds his sauces for his table, and in the other he finds his stable for his horses.

Why can you never expect a fisherman to be generous? Because his business makes him sell-fish.

Through thy short and shadowy span
I am with thee, child of man;
With thee still from first to last,
In pain and pleasure, feast and fast,
At thy cradle and thy death,
Thine earliest wail and dying breath,
Seek thou not to shun or save,
On the earth or in the grave;
The worm and I, the worm and I,
In the grave together lie.

The letter A.

If you wish a very religious man to go to sleep, by what imperial name should you address him? Nap-holy-un.

Why is the Emperor Napoleon III. like a retired waiter? Because he remembers Ham, and when he cut it.

When was Napoleon I. most shabbily dressed? When out at Elba (elbow).

Why is the palace of the Louvre the cheapest ever erected? Because it was built for one sovereign--and finished for another.

Why is the Empress of the French always in bad company? Because she is ever surrounded by Paris-ites.

What sea would a man most like to be in on a wet day? Adriatic (a dry attic).

What young ladies won the battle of Salamis? The Miss Tocles (Themistocles).

Why is an expensive widow--pshaw!--pensive widow we mean--like the letter X? Because she is never in-consolable!

What kind of a cat may be found in every library? Cat-alogue.

Why is an orange like a church steeple? Because we have a peel from it.

Why is the tolling of a bell like the prayer of a hypocrite? Because it's a solemn sound from a thoughtless tongue.

'Twas Christmas-time, and my nice _first_
(Well suited to the season)
Had been well served, and well enjoyed--
Of course I mean in reason.

And then a game of merry sort
My _second_ made full many do;
One player, nimbler than the rest,
Caught sometimes one and sometimes two.

She was a merry, laughing wench,
And to the sport gave life and soul;
Though maiden dames, and older folk,
Declared her manners were my _whole_.

Flip-pant.

What moral sentence does a weathercock suggest? "It's a vane thing to aspire."

Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of the adjective solemn, with illustrations of the meaning of the word? Solemn, being married: solemner, not being able to get married; solemnest, wanting to be un-married when you are married.

Give the positive, comparative, and superlative degrees of getting on in the world? Get on; get honor; get honest.

Sir Kenneth rode forth from his castle gate,
On a prancing steed rode he;
He was my _first_ of large estate,
And he went the Lady Ellen to see.

The Lady Ellen had been wedded five years,
And a goodly wife proved she;
She'd a lovely boy, and a lovelier girl,
And they sported upon their mother's knee.

At what period of his sorrow does a widower recover the loss of his dear departed? When he re-wives!

What would be a good motto to put up at the entrance of a cemetery? "Here lie the dead, and here the living lie!"

Why, asks a disconsolate widow, is venison like my late and never sufficiently-to-be-lamented husband? Because--oh, dear! oh, dear!--it's the dear departed!

[THE END.]

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20 Jack Quick, the Boy Engineer by Jas. C. Merritt

21 Doublequick, the King Harpooner; or, The Wonder of the Whalers
by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson

22 Rattling Rube, the Jolly Scout and Spy. A Story of the Revolution
by General Jas. A. Gordon

23 In the Czar's Service; or Dick Sherman in Russia by Howard Austin

24 Ben o' the Bowl; or The Road to Ruin by Jno. B. Dowd

25 Kit Carson, the King of Scouts by an Old Scout

26 The School Boy Explorers; or Among the Ruins of Yucatan
by Howard Austin

27 The Wide Awakes; or, Burke Halliday, the Pride of the Volunteers
by Ex Fire Chief Warden

28 The Frozen Deep; or Two Years in the Ice by Capt. Thos. H. Wilson

29 The Swamp Rats; or, The Boys Who Fought for Washington
by Gen. Jas. A. Gordon

30 Around the World on Cheek by Howard Austin

31 Bushwhacker Ben; or, The Union Boys of Tennessee
by Col. Ralph Fent

For sale by all newsdealers, or sent to any address on receipt of price, 5 cents per copy--6 copies for 25 cents. Address

FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,
24 UNION SQUARE, NEW YORK.

OUR TEN CENT HAND BOOKS.

USEFUL, INSTRUCTIVE AND AMUSING.

Containing valuable information on almost every subject, such as =Writing=, =Speaking=, =Dancing=, =Cooking=; also =Rules of Etiquette=, =The Art of Ventriloquism=, =Gymnastic Exercises=, and =The Science of Self-Defense=, =etc.=, =etc.=

1 Napoleon's Oraculum and Dream Book.

2 How to Do Tricks.

3 How to Flirt.

4 How to Dance.

5 How to Make Love.

6 How to Become an Athlete.

7 How to Keep Birds.

8 How to Become a Scientist.

9 How to Become a Ventriloquist.

10 How to Box.

11 How to Write Love Letters.

12 How to Write Letters to Ladies.

13 How to Do It; or, Book of Etiquette.

14 How to Make Candy.

15 How to Become Rich.

16 How to Keep a Window Garden.

17 How to Dress.

18 How to Become Beautiful.

19 Frank Tousey's U. S. Distance Tables, Pocket Companion and Guide.

20 How to Entertain an Evening Party.

21 How to Hunt and Fish.

22 How to Do Second Sight.

23 How to Explain Dreams.

24 How to Write Letters to Gentlemen.

25 How to Become a Gymnast.

26 How to Row, Sail and Build a Boat.

27 How to Recite and Book of Recitations.

28 How to Tell Fortunes.

29 How to Become an Inventor.

30 How to Cook.

31 How to Become a Speaker.

32 How to Ride a Bicycle.

33 How to Behave.

34 How to Fence.

35 How to Play Games.

36 How to Solve Conundrums.

37 How to Keep House.

38 How to Become Your Own Doctor.

39 How to Raise Dogs, Poultry, Pigeons and Rabbits.

40 How to Make and Set Traps.

41 The Boys of New York End Men's Joke Book.

42 The Boys of New York Stump Speaker.

43 How to Become a Magician.

44 How to Write in an Album.

45 The Boys of New York Minstrel Guide and Joke Book.

46 How to Make and Use Electricity.

47 How to Break, Ride and Drive a Horse.

48 How to Build and Sail Canoes.

49 How to Debate.

50 How to Stuff Birds and Animals.

51 How to Do Tricks with Cards.

52 How to Play Cards.

53 How to Write Letters.

54 How to Keep and Manage Pets.

55 How to Collect Stamps and Coins.

56 How to Become an Engineer.

57 How to Make Musical Instruments.

58 How to Become a Detective.

59 How to Make a Maple Lantern.

60 How to Become a Photographer.

61 How to Become a Bowler.

62 How to Become a West Point Military Cadet.

63 How to Become a Naval Cadet.

64 How to Make Electrical Machines.

65 Muldoon's Jokes.

66 How to Do Puzzles.

67 How to Do Electrical Tricks.

68 How to Do Chemical Tricks.

69 How to Do Sleight of Hand.

70 How to Make Magic Toys.

71 How to Do Mechanical Tricks.

72 How to Do Sixty Tricks with Cards.

73 How to Do Tricks with Numbers.

74 How to Write Letters Correctly.

75 How to Become a Conjuror.

76 How to Tell Fortunes by the Hand.

77 How to Do Forty Tricks with Cards.

78 How to Do the Black Art.

79 How to Become an Actor.

80 Gus Williams' Joke Book.

All the above books are for sale by newsdealers throughout the United States and Canada, or they will be sent, post-paid, to your address, on receipt of 10c. each.

_Send Your Name and Address for Our Latest Illustrated Catalogue._

FRANK TOUSEY, Publisher,
24 UNION SQUARE, NEW YORK.

Transcriber's Note:

Every effort has been made to replicate this text as faithfully as
possible.

The format used for fractions in the original, where 1 1-4
represents 1¼, has been retained.

Many of the riddles are repeated, and some of the punch lines to the
rhymes are missing.

Italic text has been marked with _underscores_.
Bold text has been marked with =equals signs=.

The following is a list of changes made to the original.
The first line is the original line, the second the corrected one.

Page 3:

By making making man's laughter man-slaughter!
By making man's laughter man-slaughter!

Page 5:

Because it isn't fit for use till its broken.
Because it isn't fit for use till it's broken.

Page 6:

Because they nose (knows) everything?
Because they nose (knows) everything.

Page 8:

A sweet thing in bric-a-bric--An Egyptian molasses-jug.
A sweet thing in bric-a-brac--An Egyptian molasses-jug.

Page 11:

What Island would form a cheerful luncheon party?
What Islands would form a cheerful luncheon party?

Page 16:

Why is a palm-tree like chronology, because it furnishes dates.
Why is a palm-tree like chronology? Because it furnishes dates.

Page 19:

A thing to a adore (door)--The knob.
A thing to adore (a door)--The knob.

Short-sighted policy--wearing spectacles.
Short-sighted policy--Wearing spectacles.

Page 22:

Why is is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf?
Why is a fretful man like a hard-baked loaf?

Page 24:

Why are certain Member's speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?
Why are certain Members' speeches in the _Times_ like a brick wall?

Page 25:

offer his heart in payment to his landladyz Because it is rent.
offer his heart in payment to his landlady? Because it is rent.

Page 26:

Why is a boiled herring like a rotton potato?
Why is a boiled herring like a rotten potato?

Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course.
Why is my servant Betsy like a race-course?

Because there a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.
Because there's a stir-up (stirrup) on both sides.

Page 30:

and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruse?
and all its guns on board, weigh just before starting on a cruise?

Page 38:

One makes acorns, the other--make corns ache.
One makes acorns, the other--makes corns ache.

Because of his parafins (pair o' fins).
Because of his paraffins (pair o' fins).

We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tool is coffee-like?
We beg leave to ax you which of a carpenter's tools is coffee-like?

Page 40:

What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.
What is it gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill?

Page 41:

In two little minutes the door to you.
In two little minutes the door to you."

take away my second lettler, there is no apparent alteration
take away my second letter, there is no apparent alteration

Why is a new-born baby like storm?
Why is a new-born baby like a storm?

Page 48:

Do you re-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring
Do you rem-ember ever to have heard what the embers of the expiring

Page 52:

What's the difference between a speciman of plated goods and
What's the difference between a specimen of plated goods and

Page 53:

Now, see who'll be first to reply:
Now, see who'll be first to reply:"

Page 56:

when he was quizzed about the gorilla?" Because his monkey was up!
when he was quizzed about the gorilla? Because his monkey was up!

Page 58:

the other turns his quartz into gold?
the other turns his quartz into gold!

When it's (s) ticking there.
When it's (s)ticking there.