Chapter III: Act I: Scene 1

=Nille= (alone)--I don't believe there is such a lazy rascal in the whole district as my husband. I can hardly wake him up when I pull him out of bed by the hair. To-day the rascal knows that it is market day, but still he lies and sleeps so long. Herr Paul said to me lately, "Nille, you are too hard on your husband. He is and ought to be master of the household." But I answered him, "No, my dear Herr Paul, if I should let him boss this house for a single year then neither the landlord would get his rent nor the rector his fee, since he would squander in drink all that I have in the house. Should I let such a man rule this household, who is ready to sell farm, wife, children--yes, even himself--for drink?" Whereupon Herr Paul became silent and thoughtfully stroked his chin. The overseer of the estate sides with me and says, "Little woman, don't you mind what the preacher says. Although the ritual says that you must honor and obey your husband, your lease, which is newer than the ritual, says that you must keep up your place and pay your rent, which it would be impossible for you to do if you did not drag your old man out of bed by the hair every morning and drive him to work." Just now I jerked him out of bed and went out to the barn to see how the work was getting on, and when I came back he was sitting with his trousers over one leg, and so the switch had to be taken off the peg and my good old Jeppe dressed down until he became quite awake again. The only thing he is afraid of is Master Erick, (that is what I call the switch.) Hey, Jeppe, aren't you up yet, you lazy bones? Would you like to speak with Master Erik once more? Hey, Jeppe, come out!

Scene 2.

=Jeppe=--I must have time to put on my clothes, mustn't I? You don't want me to come out like a pig without trousers and without coat.

=Nille=--Haven't you had time, you wretch, to put on ten pairs of trousers since I woke you up this morning?

=Jeppe= (cautiously)--Have you put Master Erik away, Nille?

=Nille=--Yes, I have, but I know where I can find him again, if you don't get around in a hurry. Come here! See how he crawls along! Come here! You've got to go to town to buy two pounds of soft soap; here is the money. But listen! If you are not back again inside of four hours Master Erik shall dance a polka on your back.

=Jeppe=--How can I walk four miles in four hours?

=Nille=--Who says you are to walk, you rascal? You shall run! I have told you what to do once, now do as you please.

Scene 3.

=Jeppe= (alone)--There that sow goes in to eat breakfast, and I, poor man, must walk four miles before I can get anything to eat; can anyone have such a damned woman as I have? I really believe she is a cousin to Lucifer. Folks around here say that Jeppe drinks, but they don't say why Jeppe drinks; why, I never got so many poundings in the ten years I was in the army as I get every day from that awful woman. She pounds me, the overseer drives me to work like a beast; and the sexton pays court to my wife. Mustn't I drink, mustn't I use all the means nature has given us to drive away sorrow? If I were a fool, such things wouldn't trouble me so much, and then I wouldn't drink; but it is certain that I am a clever man, and therefore I feel such things more than others, so I must drink. My neighbor, Mo'ns Christopherson, often tells me, as he is my friend: "Confound you, Jeppe, why don't you defend yourself, then the old woman will come to her senses." But I can't strike back for three reasons. First, because I haven't any courage; second, because of that damned Master Erik hanging behind the bed, which my back cannot think of without crying; third, because I am, if I do say it myself, a good sort of soul and a good Christian, who never seeks revenge. I am so kind-hearted that I have never even wished that the old woman would die. On the contrary, when she lay sick of jaundice last year, I wished that she would live; for, as hell is already full of bad women, Lucifer would probably send her back, and then she would be still worse than before. But if the sexton died, then I would be glad, for my own sake as well as for others; since he does me only harm and is of no use to the congregation. He is an ignorant devil, for he has no voice at all for singing, nor can he cast an honest wax candle. No, then his predecessor, Christopher, was a different sort of a person. He beat twelve sextons at singing in his day, such a voice had he. One time I got into a quarrel with the deacon, while Nille was listening, and when he scolded me for being run by my wife, I said: "The devil take you, Sexton Mads." But what happened? Master Erik was taken from the wall to settle the quarrel and my back got so sore that I had to beg the sexton's pardon and thank him, mind you, that he, a learned man, would honor my house by his visits. Since that time I have never thought of making any opposition. Oh, yes, yes, Mo'ns Christopherson! You and other peasants whose wives have no Master Erik hanging behind the bed, can talk like that. If I had a single wish in the world it would be either that my wife had no arms or I no back; since she may use her tongue as much as she likes. But I'll have to stop in at Jakob Skomager's on the way. He'll give me a penny's worth of brandy on credit all right; for I must have something to quench my thirst. Hey, Jakob Skomager! Are you up yet? Open the door, Jakob!

Scene 4.

Jakob Skomager (in his shirt). Jeppe.

=Jakob=--Who the devil comes here so early?

=Jeppe=--Good morning, Jakob Skomager.

=Jakob=--Thank you, Jeppe! You're around pretty early to-day.

=Jeppe=--Give me a penny worth of brandy, Jakob.

=Jakob=--Very well, hand me the penny.

=Jeppe=--You'll get that to-morrow when I come back.

=Jakob=--Jakob Skomager doesn't sell whiskey on credit; you have a penny or two, I know.

=Jeppe=--The devil I have, Jakob! Except a few shillings my wife gave me to buy soap for in town.

=Jakob=--I know you can beat down the price a couple of pence; what is your purchase, Jeppe?

=Jeppe=--I am to buy two pounds of soft soap.

=Jakob=--Why, can't you say that you gave a couple pence more per pound than you paid?

=Jeppe=--I'm so afraid that my wife will find it out, and then bad luck to me!

=Jakob=--Pshaw! How'll she find that out? Can't you swear that you spent all your money? You're a dunce.

=Jeppe=--True enough, Jakob, that's what I can do.

=Jakob=--Give me the penny then.

=Jeppe=--There! but you must give me back a ha'penny.

=Jakob= (comes with a glass and drinks Jeppe's health). Your health, Jeppe!

=Jeppe= (looks at glass)--You drank like a fish.

=Jakob=--Well! Don't you know it is customary for the host to drink to the health of the guests?

=Jeppe=--I know; but may the devil take the one who first started that custom! Your health, Jakob!

=Jakob=--Thanks, Jeppe! You will have to take something for the other ha'penny, too. You can't bring it back. Or perhaps you want to have a glass of whiskey to your credit when you come back from town. For, by my faith, I haven't a single ha'penny.

=Jeppe=--The devil I will; if I must spend it, I'll do it now, for then I can feel that I have something in my stomach; but if you drink of it, too, I won't pay.

=Jakob=--Your health, Jeppe!

=Jeppe=--God keep our friends and the devil take all our enemies! Ah, that felt good!

=Jakob=--Happy journey, Jeppe!

=Jeppe=--Thanks, Jakob Skomager!

Scene 5.

=Jeppe= (alone, becomes happy and begins to sing)--

"A white hen and a speckled hen
They started to fight the cock, etc."

Ah! If only I dared to drink another penny's worth! Ah! if I only dared to drink just one more penny's worth! I believe I'll do it. No, I will be sorry if I do. Could I only get away from the inn then there would be no trouble, but there seems to be some one that holds me back. I must go in again. But what are you doing, Jeppe? I seem to see Nille standing before me with Master Erik in her hand. I must turn back. Ah! if I only dared drink one more penny's worth! My stomach says, you shall; my back, you shall not; which shall I then obey? Is not my stomach more important than my back? I say yes. Shall I knock? Hey! Jakob Skomager, come out!--but that damned woman comes to my mind again! If only she would strike so my back didn't hurt so bad, I wouldn't mind it at all; but she hits me like--Ah! God held me, poor man, what shall I do? Restrain yourself, Jeppe! Isn't it a shame that you should make yourself miserable for the sake of a glass of rotten whiskey? No, it sha'n't happen this time,--I must away. Ah! if I only dared to drink one more penny's worth. It was my bad luck that I first got a taste for it; now I can't get away. Get there, legs! Blast you if you don't go! No, the rascals will not, they want to go back to the inn; my limbs make war upon each other. Will you go, you dogs! you beasts! you rap-scallions! No, the devil take them, they want to go back to the inn; I have more trouble with my legs, to make them go away from the inn than to get my piebald mare out of the stable. Ah! if I only dared to drink one single penny's worth more! Who knows if Jakob Skomager won't trust me for a penny or two if I ask him real nice. Hey, Jakob! Another whiskey for tuppence!

Scene 6.

Jakob. Jeppe.

=Jakob=--Hello, Jeppe! Have you come back? I knew you didn't get enough. What does one glass amount to? That will hardly wet the throat.

=Jeppe=--Sure enough, Jakob! Gi' me another glass! (aside) When I once have drunk it, then I guess he will have to trust me, whether he wants to or not.

=Jakob=--Here's the drink, Jeppe, but the money first.

=Jeppe=--I s'pose you can trust me while I drink, as the old saying goes.

=Jakob=--We don't care for any old sayings here, Jeppe! If you won't pay in advance you'll not get a drop. We have sworn off trusting anybody, even the overseer himself.

=Jeppe= (weeping)--Can't you trust me, I am an honest man?

=Jakob=--No credit, Jeppe.

=Jeppe=--Take the money then, you rascal!. Now it is done, drink now, Jeppe! (drinks). Ah! that feels good.

=Jakob=--Yes, that's the kind of stuff to warm a fellow's inside!

=Jeppe=--The best thing about whiskey is that it gives a man such spirit. Now I think neither of my wife nor Master Erik, so changed have I become after the last glass. Do you know this song, Jakob? (Sings.)

Little Kirsten and Herr Peder they sat at the table, Peteheia,
A spoke so many a jesting word, Polemeia.
In the summer sing the merry starling, Peteheia,
May the devil take Nille, the wicked wench, Polemeia,
I took a walk in bright green wood, Peteheia,
The sexton, he is a rascally dog, Polemeia,
I seated myself on my dapple gray horse, Peteheia,
The sexton, he is a downright beast, Polemeia,
But, if you will know the name of my wife, ----!

I wrote that song myself, Jakob!

=Jakob=--The devil you did!

=Jeppe=--Jeppe is not so stupid as you think. I have also made a song about the shoemaker which runs thus:

The Shoemaker with his fiddle and his drum, Philebom, Philebom.

=Jakob=--Why, you fool, that's a song for fiddlers.

=Jeppe=--Yes, sure enough. Look here, Jakob. Give me another dram!

=Jakob=--Good, now I can see that you are a fine fellow and don't begrudge my house an honest penny.

=Jeppe=--Hey, Jakob! Just give me for tuppence.

=Jakob=--Very well!

=Jeppe= (sings again)--

The earth drinks up the water,
The sea drinks up the sun;
The sun drinks up the ocean,
Everything drinks in this world.
Why should I not then
Drink with all the rest?

=Jakob=--Your health, Jeppe!

=Jeppe=--Mir zu.

=Jakob=--Good luck with half of it!

=Jeppe=--Ich tank ju, Jakob! Drik man, datt dig di Dyvel haal, datt ist dig vel undt.

=Jakob=--I hear you can talk German, Jeppe.

=Jeppe=--Sure, that's nothing new, but I don't usually talk it except when I'm drunk.

=Jakob=--Then you surely talk at least once a day.

=Jeppe=--I have been in the army ten years and should I not know my own language?

=Jakob=--Why, that's right, Jeppe! We were in the same campaign for two years.

=Jeppe=--Sure enough, I remember now. You were hung, weren't you, when you deserted at Wismar?

=Jakob=--I was to have been hanged, but was pardoned. "There is many a slip between the cup and the lip."

=Jeppe=--It is too bad that you weren't hanged, Jakob; but weren't you along in that action which took place on the plain--well, you know where--

=Jakob=--Ah! where haven't I been along?

=Jeppe=--I'll never forget the first volley the Swedes fired. I believe there fell three thousand if not four thousand men at one time. (Hic.) Dasz ging fordyvelet zu, Jakob. Du kandst wohl das ihukommen; ich kann nich negten dat ik jo bange var in dat slag.

=Jakob=--Yes, yes, death is pretty hard to meet; a fellow is so pious when he meets the enemy.

=Jeppe=--Yes, quite true; I don't know how it was, but I lay and read the whole night before the action in David's "Psalter."

=Jakob=--I wonder that you who have been a soldier will let your wife tyrannize over you the way she does.

=Jeppe=--I! If I only had her here! Then you would see how I should pound her! One more glass, Jakob! I have eight pence left yet! (Aside) When I have drunk them up, I shall drink on credit. Give me a mug of beer on that.

In Leipsig was a man,
In Leipsig was a man,
In Leipsig was a good for nix,
In Leipsig was a good for nix,
The man he took himself a wife, etc.,
In Leipsig was a man.

=Jakob=--Your health, Jeppe!

=Jeppe=--Hey! He--y! He--Here's to you and to me and to all good friends! He--Hey!

=Jakob=--Don't you want to drink the overseer's health?

=Jeppe=--Very well; give me another penny's worth. The overseer is a decent sort of fellow. When we put a dollar in his hand he will swear by his soul before his master that we cannot pay our land rent. I'll be hanged, if I have any money left--you will give me a few drinks more on credit, won't you?

=Jakob=--No, Jeppe, you can't stand any more now. I'm not the fellow who will allow his guests to overdo things in his house and let them drink more than is good for them. I would rather lose my living, for it is a sin.

=Jeppe=--Hey, one more drink.

=Jakob=--No, Jeppe, now I won't give you any more; remember that you have a long way to go.

=Jeppe=--Dog! Scoundrel! Beast! Rascal! Hey! He--y!

=Jakob=--Goodbye, Jeppe! happy journey!

Scene 7.

=Jeppe= (alone)--Ah, Jeppe, you are as full as a tick! My legs will hardly carry me. Will you stand, you rascals, or won't you? Hey, there, what time is it! Hey, Jakob, villain, scoundrel. Hey! Just one more drink! Will you stand, you dogs? No, the devil take me if they will stand. Thanks, Jakob Skomager. Let's have another! Listen, comrade! Where's the road to the town? Stand, I tell you! Look, the beast is drunk. You drank like a toper, Jakob. Do you call that a drink of whiskey--you measure like a Turk.

(While he is speaking he falls and remains lying.)

Scene 8.

Baron Nilus. His Secretary. A Valet. Two Lackeys.

=Baron=--The prospects for a good crop are very promising. Just see how nice the barley stands.

=Secretary=--Yes, that is quite true, your Grace; but that means that a bushel of barley will not bring a higher price than five marks.

=Baron=--That makes no difference. The peasants always do better when the times are good.

=Secretary=--I don't know how it is, my lord, the peasants always complain and ask for seed grain whether the season is good or bad. When they have anything they drink all the more. Here is an innkeeper in the neighborhood by the name of Jakob Skomager who does much to make the peasants poor. They say that he puts salt in the beer so that the more they drink, the more they shall thirst.

=Baron=--We must get that fellow out of the way. But what is that lying there in the road? Why, that's a dead man. One hears of nothing but accidents. Run over there, one of you, and see what it is.

=A lackey=--That is Jeppe on the Hill, who has the shrewish wife. Wake up, Jeppe. No, he wouldn't wake up if we pounded him and pulled him around by the hair.

=Baron=--Just let him be, I would like to play a little trick on him. You used to be quite inventive fellows, can you devise something now to amuse me?

=Secretary=--It seems to me it would be clever if we tied a paper collar around his neck or clipped his hair.

=The valet=--It seems to me that it would be even more clever if we daubed his face with ink and stationed someone to see how his wife would receive him when he came home in such a predicament.

=Baron=--That's all very well, but what will you wager that Erik can devise something more clever than that? Give us your opinion, Erik!

=Erik, lackey=--It is my opinion that his clothes should all be taken off and that he should be laid in my lord's best bed, and in the morning when he awakes we should all act as though he were the lord of the manor, so that he should not know who or where he was. And when we have made him believe that he is the baron, we should make him as drunk again as he now is and lay him, in his old clothes, on the same dung heap. If this plan is carefully executed, it would have a strange effect and he would make himself believe either that he had dreamed about such glories or that he had really been in Paradise.

=Baron=--Erik, you are a great man and therefore you have only great ideas. But now if he should wake up in the meantime?

=Erik=--I am very sure that he will not, my lord. Since the same Jeppe on the Hill is one of the soundest sleepers in the whole district. Why, they tried the other year to fasten a rocket to the back of his neck, but even when the rocket was fired off he didn't wake up from his sleep.

=Baron=--Let us then proceed. Take him away immediately, clothe him in a fine shirt and lay him in my best bed.

(Curtain.)