Chapter I: Front Matter

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LETTERS OF MAJOR JACK DOWNING,

OF THE DOWNINGVILLE MILITIA.

"The Constitution is a Dimmycratic machine, and it's got to be run as a Dimmycratic machine, or it _won't run at all_!"

--MAJER JACK DOWNING TO LINCOLN.

THIRD EDITION.

NEW YORK: VAN EVRIE, HORTON & CO., No. 162 NASSAU STREET, PRINTING HOUSE SQUARE. 1866.

Entered according to Act of Congress, by BROMLEY & CO., in the year 1864, in the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the United States for the Southern District of New York

LOVEJOY & SON, ELECTROTYPERS & STEREOTYPERS, 15 Vandewater st., N.Y.

CONTENTS.

PAGE.

LETTER I.

The Major Announces that he "Still Lives"--The Reason why he has not Spoken before--Writes to "President Linkin," who at once Sends for him--How Lincoln Shakes Hands--His Troubles--The Major's Advice-- Lincoln to get an "Appintment on Gineral McClellan's Staff"--A Story About Old Rye, from Mr. Lincoln. 15

LETTER II.

Deacon Jenkins, of Downingville, Sent for to Cut and Make the President's Uniform--A Provoking Accident--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story--The Major as a "Commentater" on the Constitution--Mrs. Lincoln's Party--"Insine Stebbins, of the Downingville Insensibles, Writes a Paradox for the Occasion"--The Major gets Angry--Lincoln Tells a Story About Virginia Mud. 23

LETTER III.

The Major has an Attack of the Ague and Fever--Begins to get the Hang of Matters at Washington--Mr. Lincoln's Improvement in "Military Nollege"--Studying "Stratygims" for Gen. McClellan--The Major Suggests a Difficulty--Mr. Stanton Called on--The Negroes at Port Royal--"The Nigger-Teachin Fever"--Deacon Jenkins' Daughter goes to Port Royal to Teach the Negroes. 32

LETTER IV.

A Delegation Calls upon the President--The Major Indignant--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story--Curious Composition of the Republican Party--Difficulty of Keeping it Together--The President Hopes to do it by "Sloshin About"--Deacon Jenkins Again--He is a Temperance Man, but Takes a Glass of Old Rye. 40

LETTER V.

A Blue Time--The Major Wins a Hat of the President--The Richmond Expedition of Gen. McClellan--Mr. Lincoln's Trick on the Major--A Letter from Jerusha Matilda Jenkins--She gives her Experience in Negro-Teaching--Priscella Huggins and Elder Sniffles--Cloe, the Negro Girl who "Could not be Good unless she was Licked"--A Negro Meeting--Dancing and Singing--The Unpleasant Odor--Negroes Steal Miss Huggins' Clothes--They Purloin Jerusha's Petticoat--It is Thought that their Religion is not "Very Deep"--Mr. Lincoln Hears the Letter Read--He Declares that Port Royal is a "Cussed Hole" --Deacon Jenkins Shocked--He Proves it by the Scriptures. 48

LETTER VI.

The Question of the "Contrybands"--Lincoln and the Major Discuss it--The Major tells a Story--Shows Mr. Lincoln That the Government is out of Order--Says it's a "Dimmycratic Machine," and that Seward and Chase don't know How to Run it--They are Like Old Jim Dumbutter and the Thrashing Machine--The Major Tells Another Story--"The Kernel" Gets a Joke on Seward--Tells a Story about the "Giascutis." 59

LETTER VII.

War "Noose"--The President's Anxiety--Mr. Lincoln Determines to Apply "the Principle"--The Story of Zenas Homespun--The Major's Views on Negroes--Poetry--The Emancipation Ball--The Major going to "Cifer" on the Finances. 67

LETTER VIII.

Matters get Confused--The "Kernel and the Major" Compelled to go to Fortress Monroe to Straighten Things Out--Mr. Lincoln takes his Revolver--The Major Sticks to His Hickory--Arrival at Fort Monroe --They go on a "Tippergraphical Rekonnisanze"--A Night Alarm-- Secretary Stanton tries to get on the President's Pantaloons. 75

LETTER IX.

The Major Figures on the "Nashinal Debt"--Horse Contracts and "Abolishin Preechers"--Banks Defeated--The Major Suggests a New-Fashioned Shield, expressly for Retreats--A Wheelbarrow for every Soldier!--Excitement in Washington--The President not Scared "a Hooter." 82

LETTER X.

The Major Troubled with his Old Complaint, the "Rumatics"--He Examines the Finances--Mr. Chase Frightened--The Major Figures up the Accounts on His Slate--Returns and Shows the Result to Mr. Lincoln--He is Astounded--The "Kernel and the Major" take some Old Rye--The Major Proposes to Return to Downingville to Spend the Fourth of July. 88

LETTER XI.

The Major does not go to Downingville--Loses His Hickory--Gets a Bottle of Whiskey by Adams Express Co.--The Major declines to Sign the Receipt at First--Whiskey and the Constitution--"The Constitushinal Teliskope"--A Magical Change--Mr. Seward's Trick-- The Major discovers it--A Negro in It. 99

LETTER XII.

The Major Disappointed--Meets the President at West Point--Sees Gen. Scott--They Talk over Strategy--Returns to Philadelphia with the President--Makes a Speech at Jersey City--Mr. Lincoln also Speaks--Meets Seward at the Astor House--A Wheel within a Wheel-- Mr. Seward Caught. 108

LETTER XIII.

The Major Returns to Washington--Things Get Mixed Up--Lincoln and the Panther--Splitting Rails and the Union--The Major and the President Visit Gen. McClellan's Army--Going up James River--Alarm of the Rebels--Exciting Scene on Board the Boat--Nobody hurt--The President Reviews the Troops at Harrison's Landing--The Return Trip--The President and Party Bathe in the Potomac--Almost a Catastrophe--The Major's Life-Preserver--The Moral of it--The President Proposes a Conundrum. 116

LETTER XIV.

The President has an Attack of Fever and Ague--The Major Prescribes Elder-Bark Tea--A Fearful Mistake--The Bark Scraped the Wrong Way--Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled--Stanton, Seward and the Major-- A Ludicrous Scene--The "Kernel" comes to and Begins to Joke--The Moral of taking the wrong Medicine--"The Irrepressible Conflict." 125

LETTER XV.

Gen. McClellan's Change of Base--A Bear Story--A Delegation of Clergymen--The Major's Opinion on Negroes and "Edecated Peepel"--How General Jackson Saw Through Them--How the War is to End--Mr. Lincoln tells Another Story. 133

LETTER XVI.

The Science of "Military Strutegy"--The Major's Opinion upon it--A Call from the Secretary of the American and Foreign Benevolent Society for Ameliorating the Condition of the Colored Race--His Speech--The President's Reply--A Curious Prayer--The Major's Opinion on Slavery--The Critical Condition of Affairs--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story. 141

LETTER XVII.

A Cabinet Meeting--The President Calls for the Opinion of Each Member--Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Blair, Welles, Smith and Bates--The Major Called on for an Opinion--The Peperage Log Story--The Major Proposes an Armistice--No Conclusion Arrived at. 150

LETTER XVIII.

The Major not Ill--The President has "the Gripes"--The Witch-Hazel Medicine--Going to the bottom of a Subject--The Democrats and the War--The Emancipation Proclamation--A Visit to Gen. McClellan's Army--The Soldiers Cool--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story--"Sloshing About." 159

LETTER XIX.

The President Nervous--The State Elections--Mr. Lincoln Astonished --He takes Cordial--Mr. Seward Turns Democrat--The Major tells a Story--Mr. Seward and the Major Take a Drink--How John Van Buren got Gen. Scott's Letter--Mr. Stanton on the Elections. 168

LETTER XX.

The New York Election--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story--Cannot do Justice to the Subject--Mr. Lincoln Feels Bad--The Major Amuses him by a Joke--How to get up a Message--Keeping a Party Together--The Excelsior Political Prepared Glue--The Different Stripes of Abolitionists--Boating on the Mississippi River--Poleing Along. 175

LETTER XXI.

The Message--A Cabinet Council--Speeches of Seward, Chase, Stanton, Welles, Blair and Bates--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story--The Major gives His Opinion--Mr. Chase Accuses Him of Disloyalty--The Major Demands a Retraction--It is Given. 182

LETTER XXII.

The Message Finished--Mr. Sumner says it is not Grammatical--The Major's Excuse--Mr. Sumner Finds Fault with the Major's Spelling --The Major Stumps Him--He Gives His Views on "Edication"--Mr. Lincoln Proposes a Conundrum--The Major tells a Story--Mr. Seward's Opinion on the War. 191

LETTER XXIII.

The Major Goes to See the Postmaster-General about Stopping Papers--Mr. Blair Promises to Release Them--The President Again in Trouble--A Change in the Cabinet Demanded--The Major Suggests a Remedy for "the Crysis." 199

LETTER XXIV.

The Emancipation Proclamation--The Way to Get to Richmond--Splitting the Union--The Major tells a Story about Splitting--The President Gets Indignant--Seizes the Boot-jack--The Major Pacifies Him--A Dream--The Major Returns to Downingville. 207

LETTER XXV.

The Major Feels Sorrowful over the Fate of His Country--The Story of the Black Heifer--The Man who Made a "Siss"--The Union--"Insine" Stebbins Again--His Reception at Downingville--"The Insensibles"--A Provoking Accident. 214

LETTER XXVI.

The Democratic Party Whipped--Things as bad as they can be--A Story in Point--Mr. Lincoln sends for the Major again--The Major writes him a Letter--The Return of "Kernel" Stebbins, formerly "Insine" --His Reception at Downingville--"Kernel" Doolittle's Speech-- "Kernel" Stebbins' Reply--Elder Sniffles' Preaches a Sermon. 221

LETTER XXVII.

The Major starts for Washington--Takes his Axe with Him--Mr. Lincoln Glad to see Him--The Cabinet in Session--The opinion of Seward, Chase, Stanton and others--The Major called on for an opinion--The Story of Old Sam Odum--Mr. Stanton gets Excited. 228

LETTER XXVIII.

The Major and the "Kernel" at work on the Message--The Major visits Mr. Chase again--Sees the Machines for Printing Greenbacks--A Machine for every General--The Accounts mixed Up--Mr. Lincoln gets Flighty over them--The Major Puts him to bed, and applies a mustard-plaster--He Revives, and proposes a Conundrum--The Major also proposes one. 235

LETTER XXIX.

The Trouble about the Message--Chase and Seward Find Fault with it--The Story of Old Deacon Grimes' Oven--Mr. Lincoln Overrun with Visitors--The Major Suggests a Way to Get Rid of Them--The Small Pox dodge--The Message Finished--Mr. Lincoln tells a Story. 242

LETTER XXX.

The Major visits Parson Blair--The Loyal Leaguers of the White House--A Wonderful Dream--The Grave of the Union--The President Don't Like It--About Leather--How the Capital Looks. 248