Chapter VI: Letter IV

_A Delegation calls Upon the President--The Major Indignant--Mr. Lincoln Tells a Story--Curious Composition of the Republican Party --Difficulty of Keeping it Together--The President Hopes to do it by "Sloshin About"--Deacon Jenkins Again--He is a Temperance Man, but Takes a Glass of Old Rye._

WASHINGTON, March 18th, 1862.

_To the Editers of The Cawcashin:_

SURS:--We've all ben at sixes and sevens here since I writ you last. The rebils have knocked all our stratygims into a kocked hat. The fact was, we had the plan fixed to catch 'em jest as easy as you can kill a rabbit under a ded fall, but they wouldn't stay to be catched. Linkin ses "they are like to Paddy's flee, when you git where they are they ain't ther." It is ginerally believed here that some of the Somnure click who hate Ginneral McClellan so much, ralely informed the inemy of our movements, and that that give 'em time to pack up their trumpery and git out of the trap. You see Somnure, Gree_lie_ & Co. are afeerd that McClellen will be the next President, and they are doin all they kin to brake him down. The other day a hull boodle of these Abolishinists come in a boddy to the President to demand "justis to Freemount." I was standin jest back of Linkin up in the office room, when old Moril, of my State, and Luvjoy, and Somnure, and Hale, and Julian, and Ashley, and a hull lot more of the same stripe, cum in. They sed "they cum as a committy from a cawkis of the party to _demand_, as an act of justis, that Freemount should be appointed to sum kommand." Wen I heered 'em say that they demanded it, I felt my blud bileing away down to my bootes; in fac, it seemed as ef my bootes was full of bileing water. They sed they represented the Republican party, and that the party demanded it, that the peopul demanded it, and that the noosepapers demanded it, and that ef he didn't do it, they would consider that he intended to forsake his party, and go over to the Dimmycrats. All the wile I felt as ef I'd giv a thousan dollars for one hour of Old Hickery. How he would hev made the fur fly ef any body had undertuk to dictate to him in that way. But Linkin didn't say nothing until after they got all thro, then he rez up kinder limpsey, and ses he, "Gentlemen, I will considder this ere matter over, and see what I kin do. I reckon I kin kinder fix things out to suit you." Then they went off.

After they were gone Linkin turned to me and ses he, "Majer, what do you think of that?" "Wal," ses I. "Kernel, I tell you jest what I was thinkin while that insultin feller was talkin. I was wishin that Ginneral Jackson was alive and President for about twenty-four hours. Why, ef that feller had talked to him in that way, he would have seized his hickery and kaned him out of the room." Ses I, "Kernel, you are too good-natured. These pesky pollyticians will driv you to perdishin, and the country, too, ef you ain't kerful."

"Wal," ses Linkin, "what am I to do? There ain't no doubt that my party are all aunty-slavery, and a good menny of 'em out and out immediate Abolishinists. They are a pullin me like all possessed. They've got hold of my feet, my toes, my cote tale, my trowsers, and pullin away as ef they ment to rip every rag of clothin off me, and I don't feel sure but they'll pull my legs off my boddy. I am holdin on as hard as I kin, but I feel as ef my hold was slippin. Now, what on arth am I to do?"

"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, there's nothin like getten a fresh hold wen you feel that you are slippin. So jest spit on your hands, as the sailyers do, and take a new hold."

"Now, Majer," says Linkin, "that reminds me of a story. Some Irishmen were once diggin a well, and by sum means the rope on the windless broke, and the bucket went down to the bottom. How to get it was the questshin. After plannin and thinkin for some time, Paddy O'Brien, who was the boss, he ses to Teddy O'Flanagan, ses he, 'I will take hold of the windless with my hands, and Teddy, you take hold of my legs, and let Patrick take hold of Teddy's legs, and so on, until we can git down to the bucket and rache it up.' So they all went at it, but it warnt long before Paddy found that the heft was too grate for him, an he felt that his hold on the windless was slippin. So he sung out tu Teddy, who was below him, ses he, 'Teddy, me boy, hould fast there till I spit on me hands,' an as he let go tu spit on his hands, down the hull party went tu the bottom of the well. Now," ses Linkin, ses he, "that would be jest the way with me. Ef I let go to spit on me hands, down my hull party will go, and no one will ever see it agin."

"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, ef you do go down in that way you will be _on top_!" "That's a fact," ses Linkin. "I didn't think of that, but then, who would want tu be on the top of _such_ a party! You see, ef the party had any timber in it that you could use tu make another out of, there would be sum prospec ahed. But ye see thar aint. The stuff is cross-grained and knotty, and a good deal of it mity rotten. Ef I could split it about half in two, so as tu weld one piece on tu the Demmycratic party, I would do that. But you can't split it any more than you kin a pepperage log. I know sumthin about splittin, and ef any man could do it I could. No, Majer, ef my party goes tu pieces at all, it will brake up intu a thousand splinters, jest like a chesnut tree wen it is struck by lightnin."

"Wal," ses I, "Kernel, are you goin to give Freemount a kommand?" Wal, ses he, "I 'spose I'll hev tu do sumthin for him. I'll give him some place where he can't do any harm; ef I don't, these fellers will stop the wheels of government, an I can't run it any longer." Wal, ses I, "Kernal, ef they stop the _wheels_ of the government then I'de run it on the axletrees afore I'de giv in tu these pesky critters. You kinder giv in tu em on your emancipashin proclamashin, and ef yu keep on your gone, and the government is gone tu. You can't restore the Union in that way enny more than you can build a stone wall out of clam shells. Besides, you'll break off your Kentuckee frends.

"Wal, yes, that's so," ses Linkin, "but don't you see, Majer, I've got to break off with _sumbody_? Ef I do as the Kentuckians want me tu, then I shall break with my party, and ef I don't, then I shall have to break off with them. Now which shall it be? That's the question. Now, thar ain't Dimmycrats enuff in Congress tu be of enny sarvice to me, and the few that are thar are most of em like the last run of shad, very poor and very mean. Thar aint more than three or four that dare say their souls are their own, and I can't git along with such a party as that. I hope I'll git thru by sloshin first one way and then tother, without havin a rumpus with enny of em, but ef I don't, 'sufficient to the day is the evil of it,' as the Scriptur ses."

I aint had a letter from Jerushy Matilda, the darter of Deacon Jenkins, sense she went off to Port Royil with that solem feller. Her par, Deacon Jenkins, who made Linkin's sojer clothes, is still here. He is a very pious man, the Deacon is, and he thinks Jerusha is goin to do a heep of good to the niggers in turning mishinary. He thinks the niggers are all brought up as hethens, and never heerd the name of God. I telled him "I guessed ef they went around much whar the Maine sojers were, that they would here his name pretty often, for they kin outsware any set of men I ever heerd talk." Wen the Deacon heerd how that Mannassah was taken, he cum rite up to the White House and congratulated Linkin on his success. Linkin felt kinder tickled at first about it, but wen I telled him how it warent much of a victory to let a hull army slip thru our fingers, Linkin seemed to think so, too. But Deacon Jenkins, he sed he could prove it frum Scriptur, and so he got a big Bibil and red the 61st Sam, which is all about Manassah and Gil-ed and Mo-abe and washpots, and so on. I telled him I could'nt see no simurlarity in it, but he stuck to it that it tiperfied the retreat of the rebils. Linkin red it over two or three times, and sed it red for all the world like one of Seward's non-committal letters. First he thought it did, and then he thought it didn't, and finally he giv it up in dispare. I telled 'em them they might try to draw conserlashin from the Bibil, but I felt down about the matter, and didn't know as I could sleep. Linkin sed he felt bad, too, but the Deacon declared he felt first rate. I telled Linkin I must have sum Old Rye afore I could go to bed, and he sed his nerves were very oneasy too. So the feller in bad clothes fetched in the black bottle, and we tuk a good swig. I telled the Deacon that he needn't take enny, as he felt so good, but he would have sum. The Deacon pretends to be a grate temperance man wen he is hum, but I find he likes a glass of wisky now and then, espeshily if he thinks the Downingville folks won't heer of it. I hope I shall heer frum Jerusha by the time I rite to you agin.

Your frend,

MAJER JACK DOWNING.