Chapter II (13)

On the other hand, there is the hostess who announces her intention of regarding her visitor as "one of the family," "making no fuss" on account of her being in the house. This sounds much better than it works out in actual practice. Unless we are prepared to modify our routine in accordance with our friend's pleasure and convenience, at least to some extent, we should not invite her. We do not ask people to our houses to make them more uncomfortable than they would be at home. A visit is in the nature of a holiday, or vacation, to the visitor; we are to see to it that she is deferred to and efforts made to please her.

The Visitor's Comfort.--It is hospitable to consult her tastes in the matter of food. It is uncomfortable for both hostess and guest if the principal dish at dinner is something the latter dislikes. Nor should we ask her to conform to the family breakfast hour if we know she is unaccustomed to early hours, or is very much fatigued. In that case it is best to say that the early breakfast is a family necessity and that she will not be expected to appear at it, but may have her coffee and toast in her own room or down stairs at the hour at which she wishes to rise. This, though it may necessitate the preparation of a tray to be sent up, is really a convenience to the hostess, who is then left free to attend to her domestic duties. As some one has said, "It is not hospitality to ask a guest to your rooftree and expect her to find sufficient delight in being there and doing as you do." Very often she would be far more comfortable at home, physically at least. Remember your object in inviting people is to make them happy. Unless you are willing to make some sacrifices to do this, do not invite them.

[714 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Preparing for Company.--An expected guest should always be met at the station by some member of the family. The guest room should be in readiness, closet and bureau drawers vacated for her use. The bed should be freshly made up, the bedding having been properly aired. It would seem that no one would offer a visitor a bed that has not been changed and aired after having been slept in, yet guests, exchanging experiences, acknowledge it has been done--let us hope through inadvertence, though it is really inexcusable.

There should be plenty of fresh towels and water; a fresh cake of soap, a candlestick and matches, and a waste paper basket. On the dressing-bureau there should be a spotless spread, a pincushion well stocked with pins, hand mirror, comb and brush. The guest will bring her own, but may need to use these before her luggage arrives. The brush and comb should have been washed after a previous using.

A lounge, preferably placed at the foot of the bed if there is room; a light quilt or blanket for use upon it; an easy chair, and a clock in good working order are desirable furnishings. Writing materials should be provided. Some careful and painstaking hostesses include a small writing desk, well stocked with paper, pens and ink, postage stamps, even picture postal cards already stamped and ready to be addressed. A new magazine and a few books, and a little basket containing thimble, needles, scissors and several spools of cotton complete the conveniences arranged for the guest. A potted plant, or a few flowers in a vase, give a personal touch that bespeaks the hostess's solicitude for the pleasure of her friend.

There is no more delicious flattery than that of having one's personal tastes remembered and recognized.

The Visitor's Entertainment.--The entertainment of a guest is, of course, dependent on the hostess's means, mode of life, social standing, the season of the year, and whether one lives in town or in the country.

She will ask some of her friends to call on her guest; she will give a little entertainment for her, at cards, or a tea, or a reception, according to circumstances. No doubt her friends will include her visitor in their invitations during her stay. She will take her friend to see the sights of her home city if she is a stranger; she may give a theatre party, or at least take her friend several times. She will pay her guest's carfare, unless the other anticipates her, and pay for the theatre tickets. It will be perfectly correct for the guest to "stand treat" by inviting her host and hostess to accompany her to concert or play, paying for the seats herself.

The Hostess's Invitations.--It often happens that a hostess has invitations not extended to her visitor. She may have accepted; before her guest's arrival, an invitation to dinner, card party or luncheon. In neither of these may she ask to have her guests included. They are formal functions for which arrangements are made long in advance. She may say to an intimate friend who is giving a musical or an "At home" or any informal affair, that she has a visitor staying with her, and the friend will no doubt extend an invitation to the latter. It is proper for host and hostess to accept invitations in which a guest is not included if they make some provision for her pleasure during their absence.

She may be asked to invite some friend to dine with her, or someone provided to take her to the theatre. Nor has she a right to feel affronted at being left at home.

One thing must be carefully avoided, the hostess must not let her guest feel, for one moment, that she is the cause of inconvenience or trouble. Even if she is, the fact must be sedulously concealed. Bear with the annoyance until the visit ceases; then do not invite her again. It is the hostess's privilege to invite; having invited she must not allow her equanimity to be disturbed.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 715]

THE OBLIGATIONS OF A GUEST.

If it is the duty of the hostess to be attentive to the comfort of her guest, there is quite as much obligation resting on the guest to show a disposition to be pleased and to make herself agreeable. Some women--young girls more particularly--seem to think too much cannot be done for their entertainment. They make themselves burdensome by their wish to have "something doing" all the time. The visitor who conveys the impression that she is neglected unless some festivity is in the immediate future easily becomes tiresome.

The guest should accommodate herself to the ways of the family. Especially should she be punctual at meals and ready on time when going out with her friends. Her host may acquire a dislike to her if she keeps him waiting. She should always be neatly dressed, never appearing at the breakfast table in kimona or dressing-jacket if men will be present. She should respect the privileges of the host, not occupying his easy chair, appropriating the newspaper or the best position round the lamp. She should give as little trouble as possible and be especially careful about scattering her belongings about the house. This particularly applies to young girls, who are apt to be careless in this respect. It annoys a hostess to find Missy's rubbers kicked off in the hall, her hat on the piano, and a half eaten box of candy on the parlor sofa.

About Being Thoughtful.--She should be careful to avoid injury to any of her hostess' pretty things or her furnishings. The story is told of a girl who, conducted to her hostess's beautiful guest room, furnished with the utmost daintiness in white, threw her umbrella and dusty coat on the spotless counterpane, exclaiming: "What a lovely room!" It was not lovely when she left it. The wall was defaced by marks made by scratching matches; the bureau scarf was blackened by the curling-iron; there were ink spots on the hemstitched sheets where she had written letters in bed, and something that would not come out was spilled on the table cover. It does not show that you are accustomed to nice things to be so negligent and careless; it shows you are not accustomed to them and do not know how to treat them; and it makes you a visitor the hostess is glad to get rid of, and never invites again.

[716 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

The guest, young or old, should take herself out of the way part of the time; she shouldn't be always in evidence. Let her go to her own room and write letters, read, or take her work out of doors; in other words, show an ability to entertain herself which releases her hostess from that responsibility for the time being. This is much better than having one's friend in one's constant presence.

Outside Acquaintance.--If one is staying with a friend and has other acquaintances in the same place she will naturally expect them to call on her. If her callers are strangers to her hostess, they should ask for her. The hostess may see them or ask to be excused with equal propriety. The guest is at liberty to accept outside invitations which do not include her hostess, but should always consult her in reference to them. She has no right to invite any of her friends to a meal without first mentioning her wish to her hostess and securing a cordial acquiescence. She must not make a convenience of her friend's house, and if a girl or young woman, she must not receive there any man or woman of whom her parents disapprove. This is disloyal to them, and an imposition upon her hostess.

Other Points to Observe.--If a visitor can play, sing, recite, tell stories, or in any way contribute to the pleasure of her friends or other guests, she should comply cheerfully with requests that she do so. On the other hand, she should not monopolize the piano. She should enter readily into any plans proposed for her entertainment; even though they may not be especially agreeable, she should subscribe to the kindly intent.

The question as to how much assistance the visitor should volunteer in case her hostess keeps but one servant, or does her own work, is dependent upon circumstances. She certainly shouldn't follow her hostess all over the house with offers of help: "Can't I do this?" "Shan't I do that?" Let her quickly and unostentatiously render such small services as are helpful without being obtrusive. She may care for her own room; she may fill the vases with flowers; she may tell stories to the children or take them for a walk, but she must carefully respect the hostess's privacy and not intrude in the rear regions where the domestic rites are performed, without her hostess's permission. And whatever aid she renders she should give according to her hostess's method, not her own.

A visitor should carefully avoid any comment on the cook's failures, should such occur; she must not criticise the children's manners: nor reprove them; nor should she criticise the chance caller or visitor, who is a friend of her hostess, but not of her acquaintance. Above all she must avoid comparisons. If she has been visiting more wealthy people it is not good form to wax eloquent over the elegance of their establishment or their more expensive mode of entertaining.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 717]

Concerning Departure.--If there has been no time named as the length of her visit, she should take an early opportunity to mention now long she will remain "if perfectly convenient." And it is almost invariably a mistake to remain beyond the date named. Better go, and have your departure regretted, than linger to find the later days give a flat ending and you and your hostess alike relieved at parting.

It is customary, on leaving, to give a small fee to the maid who has cared for one's room, and to the waitress, if one is employed. Anyone who has rendered personal service is generally remembered. A dollar is usually given at the close of a week's visit: something depends upon the style of the household. Men generally tip the chauffeur.

After having been received as a guest in a family it is the height of incivility and bad manners to criticise their mode of living, discuss the peculiarities of any member, or make unkind remarks in reference to a slight, real or fancied, or any negligence or oversight. Having eaten your hostess's salt, there is an obligation of silence imposed, unless one can speak in terms of praise.

At Home Again.--Immediately after one's return home it is obligatory to write what is sometimes called "the bread-and-butter letter"--that in which one expresses her pleasure in the visit and her appreciation of the hospitality received. A serviceable form for this follows:

My Dear Mrs. Blank:
I wish to tell you at once how much I enjoyed my visit to your
charming home and how truly I appreciate all you did to make my stay so
pleasant. I shall always remember my good times with you, and
especially that most delightful picnic to Ferndale.

With kind remembrances to Mr. Blank and to Lois, who helped so much to
make me happy, believe me,
Yours most sincerely,
Mary Annesley.

This recognition of hospitality enjoyed must on no account be omitted.

VISITING ETIQUETTE FOR GIRLS.

The best personal asset a girl can have is "nice manners;" they will contribute more to her lasting popularity than beauty or wealth. Girls sometimes wonder how it happens that a girl they have regarded as "too homely" to be accounted dangerous, still carries off the matrimonial prize of "her set." Ten chances to one it is because she has that charm of manner that makes a man overlook her physical deficiencies. Her manners, in such case, are the spontaneous expression of a kind and generous disposition, aided, of course, by a familiarity with the social code that prevents awkwardness. She has ease, and that puts others at their ease; she is companionable; and not being engrossed by her own good looks, she has had time to cultivate the intellectual graces.

[718 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Nothing is more becoming to a young girl than respect and deference to her elders. If for no other reason than that it gives observers an unfavorable opinion of her manners, she should avoid any disrespect or rudeness toward her parents or older sisters. The young girl is often negligent in this respect. Her own ego is exaggerated, owing to her youth and inexperience; she thinks

"What there is to know, I know it;
What I don't know isn't knowledge;"

and is much inclined to dub her own mother "old-fashioned." So she contradicts her, precedes her in entering a room, takes the easiest chair, monopolizes the conversation, and in other disrespectful ways endeavors to assert her own importance. Instead of crediting her with more social experience, bystanders consider her a very crude and untrained young person.

Deference to Age.--One reason why convent training is so highly esteemed in our best circles is because girls are taught such beautiful manners. No convent-bred girl would think of showing the slightest disrespect to an older person. They are taught all the little matters of etiquette that contribute to gentle and refined manners. A lady staying at a large summer hotel noted the charming manners of a young Southern girl, especially in regard to the unfailing deference paid to her mother and aunt. She rose when they addressed her and remained standing during the conversation. When the aunt came to the breakfast table the girl rose, standing until the elder lady was seated; if her mother entered one of the reception rooms she excused herself if conversing and advanced to meet her, finding a seat for her and perhaps asking permission to introduce an acquaintance. And it was all done so easily, so naturally, that it was plainly seen there was no affectation, but the unstudied courtesy due to good-breeding.

On the other hand, girls who undertake to show their respect for their seniors sometimes overdo the matter. No elderly person likes to be "fussed over." She doesn't want someone continually thrusting a cushion behind her shoulders or insisting on providing a foot-stool. The unwelcome service provokes a little resentment. One must have an intuitive sense of what to do and when to do it, and tact enough to perform a trifling service without the appearance of saying "See me! how polite I am!" As young men should rise when an elderly woman enters the room, so a young girl may pay the same pretty deference to her mother or an acquaintance. She should be careful not to take precedence of older women, not to interrupt them when speaking, and to render any small service unobtrusively.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 719]

THE YOUNG GIRL'S SOCIAL AFFAIRS.

There is no special code of etiquette for girls. Why should they be trained in one code, only to discard it for another when they enter society? Their etiquette is simply more informal. Until they are "out," they do not give formal invitations. Their functions are chiefly luncheons, invitations being given by telephone or personal notes, and the menu more simple. They may give theatre parties, but never without a chaperon. They do not invite young men to call on them; that is their mother's duty. They do not send written invitations to young men; these are in the mother's name. Thus:

My Dear Mr. Smith:
My mother wishes me to say that it will give her much
pleasure if you will spend Friday evening, March tenth, with us,
quite informally. We hope to see you at eight o' clock.
Yours sincerely,
Mary Gray.

Such an invitation presupposes the presence of other guests. If for cards, or music or games, mention may be made of the proposed entertainment.

A girl should not receive calls from young men without the presence of some member of the family, her mother by preference, at some time during the evening. A young man should not feel that the girl he calls upon is not properly looked after by her parents.

The Girl and the Chaperon.--Youth scorns the chaperon, regarding her as superfluous. "I can look out for myself," is the young girl's motto. Yet scandal has dimmed the fair name of many a girl through her disinclination to submit to proper chaperonage. The chaperon is much more of a social necessity in the East than she is in the South and West. If a girl proposes to "look ant for herself," there are some things she must carefully abstain from doing. She must not go to a restaurant with a young man alone; she must not travel about with him alone, even if she is engaged to him; she must not go "on excursions" unattended, nor go for a ride with a man and stop anywhere for refreshments; indeed, she should not accept such an invitation unless another couple or another girl are included in the party. This is not prudery; it is protection; and any young man's acquaintance is not desirable if he objects to such arrangements. He would not permit his sister to do what he asks some other man's sister to do. A young man loses in respect for a girl if she holds herself cheap.

If a girl receives invitations of the character just mentioned, it is far better to say frankly "My father (or mother) does not allow me to accept," than to make excuses or plead previous engagements time after time.

[720 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

The Girl and the Young Man.--Do not ask a young man to call on the occasion of your first meeting. Young people often meet and make each other's acquaintance when the girl's mother, whose place it is to give the invitation to call, is not present. After several meetings the girl, having ascertained the young man's antecedents, may say, if he seems desirous of the invitation, "'My mother will be glad to know you," or "Mother and I will be pleased to have you call some evening." The young man should acknowledge the compliment by calling at an early date, and should meet the girl's mother, The girl does not suggest when he shall call, though she may mention that she receives calls on a certain evening. She must not give him her card; if he is not sufficiently interested to remember her address he probably does not intend to call.

It is not correct for girls to suggest a walk, ride, hint a wish to dance or row, or tacitly invite a tete-a-tete. Let those who wish such favors ask for them. The girl who shows herself most anxious for young men's attentions generally receives fewest. Despite "the woman's movement," man still insists on his privilege of taking the initiative.

About Gifts.--It is not correct form for a girl to receive presents from young men, aside from flowers, candy and an occasional book or piece of music. In some circles, to offer a girl a piece of jewelry would be considered insulting. Not until he is engaged to her may a man offer expensive presents. This rule, it is lamentably true, is often violated by a certain order of young persons, who rather boast of the gifts of their gallants, and are thus the object of rather unkind criticism.

As a rule, a girl makes a mistake when she sends a gift to a young man. It is generally something that is as superfluous to him as a fifth wheel to a wagon, and it entails an irksome sense of obligation. It is presumed, if he has been very courteous and shown her many attentions, that it has been his pleasure to do so, and her gracious acceptance and pleasure in them is sufficient reward. A girl may give Christmas and birthday gifts to her fiance, but he should not give her any article of wearing apparel except gloves.

The Telephone.--A girl should be chary of calling up her young men acquaintances by telephone. If forced to do so, she should make her communication as brief as possible. It is annoying to a young man to be called from his business to answer social or "nonsense" calls--the latter when some idle, ennuied or "smitten" girl takes a notion she would like to chatter to somebody awhile. It exasperates an employer to have his men called from their duties to answer such calls, and fellow employees are likely to "guy" the man about his "mash." The "note habit" is just about as bad, though not quite as annoying, as the telephone habit, because a man can carry such missives in his pocket unopened.

A wise girl will not give her photograph to any young man until she is engaged to him. What nice girl would care to see her picture neighbored by ballet dancers and footlight favorites in a young man's rooms! She will be equally careful about corresponding with men, writing to but a few intimate and long-known friends, making her letters bright and gay, but carefully avoiding any warmer expressions of regard than those warranted by the friendship. Many a girl has bitterly regretted the affectionate missives sent to some young man who made "werry fierce love" to her for a time, and whose regard afterward cooled. When the man she truly loves comes along, she would give her most precious jewel to get those letters into her hands again. It is a great deal safer not to write them.

A young woman, receiving back her letters at the close of a mistaken engagement, once said:

"I sat down on the floor and read them over, and I tell you I was proud of myself. There wasn't one I wouldn't have been willing to have my father read--and you know what I think of my father!"

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 721]

THE DEBUTANTE.

A large number of young girls enter society without formal introductions. After leaving school, they assume their social responsibilities with no formality. It is seldom that a girl enters the social world under eighteen, or over twenty-two. The early appearance implies no college career; the later, that, she has spent several years at college or finishing school.

Increasingly, however, it is becoming the custom to introduce the young aspirant for social recognition at some function given in her honor. This may be a ball, a reception, a "coming-out party," a dinner, a tea, at which the debutante is introduced to the older members of the circle in which she will move. Whereas her associates heretofore have been young folk of her own age, she now meets the people of all ages who constitute what we call society. Her circle of acquaintances will be much enlarged, and her breeding will be judged by the manner in which she accepts her new obligations.

A Grave Mistake.--The greatest mistake the debutante can make is to treat with carelessness and lack of respect the matrons, young or old, to whom she is introduced. In the arrogance of her youth and ignorance she may think them "old frumps" and devote herself to her mates in age and inexperience. But the "old frumps" hold the trump cards; she will be dependent on them for invitations to many pleasant little functions, especially those exclusive affairs to which it is an honor to be invited, and if she is not personally agreeable, there will always be some one else to take the place that might have been hers, for a chaperon often influences a young man's invitations. Moreover, by her disrespect for age and position she advertises her lack of good breeding and social training.

Her Dress.--The debutante dresses in white at her "coming-out party," as a rule; white being supposed to typify her virginal attitude in the social realm. The mother receives her guests with her daughter standing at her side. It is not uncommon for two girls of about the same age who are close friends to be introduced at the same function. The celebrant's friends send flowers; sometimes the number of bouquets is so great that a screen is arranged behind her on which they are displayed. Girls pique themselves on the number of such tributes.

[722 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

If Not a Belle.--But suppose a girl is not pretty enough, nor rich enough, nor attractive enough to become a social success. She will suffer countless mortifications. In society, as in business, "Nothing succeeds like success." If she is popular, she will have a very happy time as debutante. If she is not "a success," her chaperon will despair of her. She will be partnerless when other girls have too many; she will have to retire to the dressing-room, deeply humiliated because unescorted to the supper-room. She will be a wall-flower while others dance. Young men are very selfish; unless a girl has some claim to consideration, personally, or they expect invitations through her parents, they often will selfishly neglect her.

What shall she do in such a case? She will be happier and more contented to give up the losing fight, find some sphere that is congenial, and determine to adorn it. There are many kinds of belles; she may make herself a belle of the home, a belle in out-door sports, a queen of the chafing-dish. Far better these humbler triumphs than neglect and unhappiness in the social world.

A girl looks forward to her debut with many joyous anticipations, but often finds her second social season a happier one than her first. She is more sure of herself, less shy and reserved; little things--the small mistakes made through ignorance--do not worry her so much; she has gained ease and grace of manner, having shed her self-consciousness.

THE ETIQUETTE OF BALLS.

"Dinner dances" have largely taken the place of balls, the latter having seemingly passed into the hands of clubs and assemblies or being known as "subscription dances." One must have a very large house, with ball-room, to give a ball successfully, so it is customary to engage private apartments at some fashionable restaurant or hotel, where there are accommodations for such an affair.

Invitations are formal, and of course engraved. If a debutante is to be presented her card may or may not be, but usually is, enclosed with the invitation. The patronesses of a subscription dance are entitled to invitations which they send to their friends, enclosing their card. The word "ball" never appears on an invitation; its nature is indicated by "Cotillion," the fashionable name for what was called "the German." The hostess or hostesses stand near the entrance to the ball-room, and should see that the guests receive a fair amount of attention. The supper is provided by a caterer, of course. Two orchestras, playing alternately, provide music; they are screened behind palms and other plants. Balls generally begin about eleven o'clock, the hour named on the cards being half after ten, and everybody waiting in the hope that someone else may arrive earlier. General dancing is in order until supper is served; afterwards the cotillion is danced.

At the dinner dance, the cotillion is preceded by a dinner, given by the hostess at her own house, or by several hostesses at some restaurant, where each presides over a table. Dinner and subscription dances are much favored by the younger set, as the hostesses act in the capacity of chaperons, and the company is gayer.

To bid one's hostess good night--or good morning--and express one's pleasure in her entertainment is obligatory.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 723]

GARDEN PARTIES.

Jupiter Pluvius apparently has a grouch against garden-parties, so often does he shake his sieve with deliberate intent to spoil the affair, which is after all, merely afternoon tea out of doors. The hostess anxiously consults "the probabilities" as to weather, and if storm threatens must hastily convert her garden fete into an in-door function. If blessed with a bright day, a garden party is a pretty affair. The women wear beautiful light gowns, en train by preference, and their flower-laden hats and gay parasols contribute to the charm of the scene.

The garden-party is the special prerogative of the out-of-town hostess. She has the lawn and the trees without which a party of this character cannot be undertaken. Invitations may be formal, or the hostess may use her card with the hour and the date and "Garden Party" written in the lower left hand corner. If guests from a distance are expected to arrive by train or trolley they must be notified of the train or car which will be met by carriages or automobiles she provides.

The hostess receives on the lawn, and hats are retained. Games, like lawn tennis, archery, croquet, should be provided. Guests wander about and entertain each other, and seek the refreshment tables when so inclined. The supper may be served under a tent or in the house. Seats are provided, and rugs spread on the grass. No matter if the weather is unfavorable the guests are expected to present themselves, as the hostess will quickly transform her out-door fete into an in-door affair in case of rain.

Refreshments.--A hostess is not expected to use her best china and linen at a garden party. She should have an ample supply of napkins, plates, cups and silver, but the expense of hiring them from a caterer is offset by the danger of breakage and loss.

She may serve salads, sandwiches, cakes, ices and ice creams, fruit, and claret cup; or sandwiches, cakes, ice cream and lemonade and fruit punch. Hot tea should be provided for those who prefer it, especially if rain drives the guests in-doors. The young matrons are invited to pour it. The maids should remove soiled dishes and napkins promptly, and keep the tables looking fresh. Music is usually provided.

AT SMALL ENTERTAINMENTS.

Many small, informal entertainments are more enjoyable than those larger affairs given for the purpose of paying off social debts. Good will and jollity prevail, and people "go in for a good time."

[724 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Card Parties.--The most stringent rule of etiquette at a card-party is to be punctual, that the tables may be filled up in good season. The second rule is to keep good-natured, even if your partner fails to return your lead or trumps your ace. Some people make themselves very disagreeable over cards, and are avoided as partners. If unfortunate enough to be paired off with such a person, at least control your own annoyance.

Never descend to the meanness of telegraphing information, hinting at your preferences in the way of trumps, overlooking a neighbor's hand, or taking any unfair advantage. A prize thus won is no honor. Nor do such violations of good breeding pass unnoticed.

At the Party.--If one accepts an invitation to a card party she is supposed to have sufficient proficiency to play the game proposed with some degree of credit; otherwise she should promptly send regrets. Invitations may be formal or informal, or the hostess may send her card with "Bridge, at half after two o'clock," or "Euchre," or "Five Hundred," written upon it. Replies are to be sent at once. Many such invitations are given by telephone. The guests are assigned to tables by the hostess, the names being written at the top of the scorecards. Two packs of cards are on each table, and small pencils attached to the score-cards. Playing begins when all are present. Or the hostess may fill the tables as the guests arrive, begin playing at the stated time, and assign late comers to places as they come in. Hats are kept on at an afternoon card-party. The usual limit for playing is two hours. The "progressive" fashion requires the providing of two prizes, the first prize and a consolation prize for the person having the lowest score. If prizes are given at each table they should be duplicates. These prizes are wrapped up in tissue paper and tied with ribbons, and are to be opened at once, displayed, and the hostess cordially thanked. It is not good form to be ostentatiously generous in the matter of prizes, nor should guests show themselves too eager to win.

It is customary to engage card tables and chairs for such an entertainment. The refreshments are served on these tables. Punch is sometimes served while the game is in progress.

Very often the hostess invites some of her friends who do not play cards to come in for refreshments at half after four or five o'clock.

Refreshments should not be too elaborate for either afternoon or evening card-parties. Sandwiches, coffee, and small cakes, or ices and cake, for the afternoon; salad of some kind with coffee, olives, and some sweet or fancy wafer, for evening. Men enjoy an oyster stew served hot in the dining room.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 725]

YOUNG GIRLS' PARTIES.

Until a girl is formally launched in society, her parties are of the simplest and most informal kind. She will invite a few friends to tea, or to a card-party, giving informal invitations and confining them to her school friends and most intimate acquaintances. Games, music, and the like are the usual amusements. Properly chaperoned, she may give a small theater party.

Birthday Party.--The largest of her social functions will probably be her birthday party. For this, her birthday flower will be chosen for decorations. Her young friends may give her little presents. Once in a season she may be invited to a small dance given for some schoolmate. This she will attend, prettily and simply gowned, and properly chaperoned. On no account will she go alone in a carriage, or with a young man alone. If she is a well bred girl she will not pique herself in dancing every dance, nor "split the dances" into fragments to please those who wish to dance with her. She will be careful not to romp nor laugh too loud; nor to permit herself to be held too closely in dancing, nor be served too often with punch.

"STAG" DINNERS.

The woman who wishes to give her husband a birthday party or anniversary will not go amiss if she makes it a "stag dinner"--that is, a dinner for men only.

To this she invites as many of his men friends as she can accommodate, and provides a good, substantial meal, without any "frills." It need not be elaborate if everything is good of its kind, well cooked and served hot. The menu may include oysters, roast fowl, two vegetables, several relishes, and an entree, with some simple dessert and good coffee. She will also see to it that the cigars are of the proper excellence. It is optional whether she sits at the table till the coffee and cigars are served, or stays in the kitchen to superintend the serving. Red is the most appropriate color for decorations, since a man's ideas of color are usually rather crude. Men always enjoy a dinner of this kind. The evening may conclude with cards.

A stag card-party sometimes takes the place of a dinner; it is followed by a substantial supper.

THE MUSICAL AND INFORMAL TEA.

At a musical, guests are seated, the hostess remaining near the door to welcome late arrivals. If these arrive while a selection is in progress, they stand till it is finished, then find seats. Guests do not leave their seats during the intermission, but converse with those in the vicinity. Refreshments are always served. Hats are removed.

For a very informal tea the hostess sends her card with the date and hour written across the lower corner. If a friend is staying with her, she may write "to meet Mrs. A." at the top. She will offer a cup of tea and cakes or wafers to each comer, or may ask some friend to do so for her, leaving her free to mingle with her visitors. Simplicity and informality characterize this form of receiving friends.

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ETIQUETTE FOR CHILDREN.

"The future destiny of the child is always the work of the mother." --Bonaparte.

Children reflect the manners of their homes. As they learn to talk after the fashion of their parents' speech, so they learn to be polite by example, aided by training, and in both cases the habit of youth persists in greater or less degree all through life.

To train children properly requires patience and persistence, but to have polite children, and to feel that they know what to do and how to do it when they begin to go out, is certainly a great source of satisfaction to a mother, on whom the burden of training falls.

The secret of success is beginning early. Before the baby is three years old he should be in process of training. When he comes into the use of spoon, knife and fork, he should be taught how to hold these properly, and how to feed himself. He should never be permitted to play with his food; out of that baby habit comes the later playing with crumbs, holding the fork in the hand when not eating, drinking tea from a spoon, and other little gaucheries resorted to in embarrassment or preoccupation. It is not necessary to wait until a child is ten or twelve years old before teaching him not to interrupt a conversation, and to make his wants known quietly and without iteration, nor yet that your yea means yea, and your nay, nay.

First Lessons.--The mother's first lesson is usually in regard to taking off his hat or cap. Teach him to remove this as soon as he enters the house, as soon as he begins to go out of doors alone, and the habit will become life-long. It is very charming to see a child of either sex rise to open the door for a visitor, or stand while she talks to him. One often sees boys of seven, nine and eleven years of age occupying the seats in a car while the ladies stand. No mother should permit this.

Whether a child should say "father" and "mother," or use the more babyish form of "papa" and "mama" is a matter of parental choice, but the preference in some circles is for the former. A blunt "yes" or "no" is not thought polite from a child; he should say "yes, father," "no, mama," "yes, Mrs. Smith." "Ma'am" as a form of address is quite obsolete.

Most parents make the mistake of believing their children as absorbingly interesting to other people as they are to them, and bring them forward so prominently that they become tiresome. A good rule is for the mother to allow children to greet the visitor and then send them away to their play. The spectacle of a little child primly seated on a chair and "taking in" the conversation with eyes and ears is not wholly edifying; while to allow a child to hang on a visitor or monopolize the attention makes the youngster a nuisance.

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CHILDREN'S PARTIES.

There is nothing children love better than a party. It takes so little to make them happy that the exertion is well repaid by their pleasure. A few games, a light supper, an inexpensive souvenir, and they have had "a perfectly splendid time."

For children from five to twelve, the best hours for a party are from three to half past five. This gives time for all to return home by six o'clock. Few mothers wish to have their children out evenings at that age. Where the children are old enough they should write their own invitations. They should receive their guests themselves, the mother standing in the background to see that they do it properly and to second their welcome. The little host or hostess should early learn the lesson that she must study the pleasure of her guests, not her own, and be taught the courtesies required of her.

Games.--The first thing is the games, which are suitable to the children's age. Little ones play romping games, like "Cat and Mouse," "London Bridge," etc.; those a little older enjoy a peanut hunt or a peanut race, or supplying the donkey with a caudal appendage. Many novel games are possible. Or the children may be asked to a doll's party, or an animal party. To the one they bring their favorite doll; to the other their teddy bears and cotton elephants.

Supper.--The supper should be simple. Sandwiches, cocoa, jellies, and fancy cookies not too rich. After the supper they may dance "Sir Roger de Coverley," or some simple form all know, and then little souvenirs may be distributed in a way that leads to a hunt. Notes are written and put in a bag; each child takes one; the note directs where to look. All rush pell mell to that spot. There they find directions to look somewhere else, and finally each gets a little card or a note directing a search at some particular place, say in a basket in the hall or in the dining room, where each finds and unwraps a little gift. Or a large paper sack filled with wrapped bonbons is hung between folding doors, each child blindfolded in turn, given a cane and instructed to hit the sack if he can. Presently the paper is broken and the youngsters scramble for the contents. Each little guest should thank the giver of the party and the mother for the pleasure enjoyed. The little host or hostess should stand where they can make their adieus, for it is no longer proper to "take French leave" on any occasion except "a crush."

Games for Older Children.--Older children enjoy a peanut hunt, or a spider party where they follow a twine through a labyrinth of loopings and find a small prize at the end, or a book party, where each guest represents the title of some book. Thus Ouida's "Under Two Flags" could be very easily represented. Young folks always enjoy "dressing up," and any hostess can either find directions for some form of fancy dress, or invent something new for herself. St. Valentine's Day, St. Patrick's Day, May Day, the Fourth of July, Hallowe'en, have their traditional decorations, and games, and suggest their own refreshments. Elaborate refreshments have rather gone out of style.

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CONCERNING ENGAGEMENTS.

A marriage engagement is one of the most serious contracts into which young people can enter, second only to actual marriage. It is not to be lightly entered upon. It is no credit to a girl to have been several times affianced; indeed, it almost invariably occasions unfavorable comment. There may be reasons for breaking one engagement, but when it comes to the second, Mrs. Grundy makes remarks, and is inclined to blame the girl, either for too great haste to wed, or for being fickle and capricious,

A girl should be very sure of herself before she gives her promise. She must respect the man, and have faith and confidence in him, and not permit herself to be carried away by considerations of wealth and position. If there is anything about him she dislikes, she may be sure dislike will become aversion after marriage, unless she has a genuine affection for him.

Parental Wishes.--She should not engage herself without consulting her parents. Where can she find better advice than from those who have cared for her so long and faithfully? Where there is parental disapproval, a girl should show her respect for her parents' opinion by avoiding a hasty decision. Men know men much better than women can ever know them; and the opposition of a father or older brother should have due consideration.

In these days and in this country, young women take their matrimonial affairs into their own hands. "In the good old times" the young man asked the consent of the girl's parents before he was sure of her sentiments toward him; he asked permission to woo, and if in his eagerness he forestalled the etiquette of the occasion she modestly referred him to her parents, first indicating her consent would accompany theirs. In the twentieth century the young people too often settle the matter between themselves, and announce their intentions to wed quite regardless of their parents' sentiments on the subject. So many youthful attachments are really youthful follies that the girl who submits her wishes to her parents' counsel often has reason to consider herself fortunate. Girls, however, almost invariably regard parental opposition as unreasonable; actually it is often founded on a better understanding of their temperaments and the character of the young men in the case than they imagine--or in many cases can be made to see.

A manly man will approach the father of the girl he wishes to make his wife, state his prospects, and ask the father's consent. If withheld, he will not urge the girl into a hasty marriage, but will wait until the opposition has diminished. In case this does not happen, the girl has at least had an opportunity to learn her own mind. Many who have married against their parents' wishes have lived happily; it must be admitted that others have not. Delay, at least, gives time for reason to outweigh romance.

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It is especially awkward for the girl if the parents of her fiance do not approve his choice. In such case she should give ample time for their disapproval to have whatever effect it may on the young man's feelings towards her. Some girls refuse to enter a man's family unless made welcome.

No girl should engage herself to a man she has known but a short time; certainly not without searching inquiry into his reputation in his former place of residence. No man can reasonably object to such inquiries; indeed, he should welcome them; invite them by furnishing credentials. No matter how violently in love a girl may be, she should not throw prudence and discretion to the winds.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF ENGAGEMENTS.

An engagement may be announced soon after it is entered upon, or not until several weeks before the marriage. Usually the engagement is known to the two families some time in advance of the later formal announcement. This is to save the girl embarrassment in case it is broken off. Should this happen, the young man takes the blame upon himself, declaring the young lady discarded him. Only an out-and-out cad would intimate to anyone that he "threw her over."

The announcement of the engagement comes through the girl's family; the man waits until it is their pleasure to make it known. The usual way is for the girl and her mother to write notes to relatives and close friends. The man, of course, will know when this is done, and may send notes to his relatives and friends, or acquaint them by word of mouth, at the same date. No special form is employed for such notes; they are always informal and familiar.

How Disclosed.--Sometimes a girl announces her engagement to her most intimate girl friends at a small tea or luncheon her mother or some relative gives for her. In this case the decorations are suggestive. Heart-shaped place cards, decorated with the entwined initials of the two parties; pink flowers, banked in heart-shape and pierced with silver arrows, for a centerpiece, and sandwiches and cakes in heart shape, the latter decorated in pink, are often used. At each plate may be a small cluster of pink carnations, tied with narrow ribbons, one end connecting with an arrow in the centerpiece. When these are drawn out some appropriate sentiment is found attached, which is read aloud by the guest.

Any novel form may be employed in communicating the joyous intelligence. Midway the repast some friend previously selected for the honor may propose a health to the two who are betrothed; someone may ask a moment's indulgence while she reads an interesting paragraph from a letter, or a mock telegram may be delivered. Congratulations are in order; sometimes the fiance has been held in reserve, and is brought in to share with his fiancee the good wishes of her friends.

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All who receive notes are expected to call in person or send letters of congratulation. Flowers are often sent, and dinners, theater parties, and other entertainments given for the young couple. Engagement gifts are often given; china being a favorite choice, though any gift is in order.

After the Announcement.--Immediately upon the announcement of the engagement the parents of the young man call upon his fiancee and her mother, whether previously acquainted or not. His family takes the initiative in the exchange of hospitality which follows. Calls are to be returned within a week. In case the man's family live at a distance, the members should at once write cordial, kindly letters to the girl, to which she must reply within a few days. She should not "gush" but should show her desire to know them, and a cordial and friendly feeling. The prospective mother-in-law may invite the girl to visit her. She should remember that no matter how welcome the alliance she is under inspection, as it were, and do her best, through courtesy and tact and friendliness to create a favorable impression.

The Girl's Behavior.--The engagement ring is not worn until the engagement is announced. If the young man's means permit, it is usually as handsome a diamond solitaire as he can afford. No womanly girl would wish her fiance to go in debt to purchase her ring. Should it be less handsome than she had hoped or expected, she should not give the slightest evidence of disappointment. That would seem mercenary and grasping. Nevertheless, a girl does doubtless get much more joy out of her engagement ring than she does out of her wedding ring.

Though a girl may receive from her affianced gifts of jewelry, silver, etc., as well as the bonbons, books and flowers she was privileged to accept before her engagement, it is not in good taste for him to offer any article of wearing apparel to her. He is not to buy clothes for her until after their marriage. Nothing that cannot be returned to him uninjured in case the engagement is broken is really correct for her to receive.

She will naturally receive many notes, letters, etc., from her fiance, especially if he is called out of town often, or resides in another city. The inexperienced, very-much-in-love girl is quite likely to write very ardent and affectionate letters. Leave that to the man. If she knows her Thackeray she will remember the rose-colored billet-doux poor Amelia used to write to her George, and which lay unopened day after day, and will model her missives upon the style of Lucy Snowe's to the Professor--"a morsel of ice, flavored with ever so slight a zest of sweetness." Let her make them bright, chatty, kindly, but not too tender.

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Length of Engagement.--As for the length of an engagement, it is often argued that if one has made a mistake, it is much better to find it out before marriage than after. A prolonged engagement, however, is not advisable. It embarrasses a girl to be asked "When is it going to be?" and be obliged to make evasive answers. Thc old saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder" often proves untrue. The long engagement is a strain, undoubtedly. A year is quite long enough for the two to demonstrate their fidelity and for all necessary preparations.