Chapter II (15)

The nurse carries the child into the church. Sponsors and parents group themselves around the font, which is often decorated with white flowers. The godmother has the privilege of holding the babe until it is time to lay him in the clergyman's arms, the cap having been removed. The parents make the responses; after the naming the godmother takes the little one again, holding him until the close of the service. She should not wipe away any of the water placed on the child's head. A good baby is expected not to cry during the ceremony, and one advantage of an early christening is that the little fellow is less liable to be alarmed at strange surroundings.

The same forms are observed at a home christening, the hour being usually in the afternoon.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 749]

A luncheon to which the clergyman and the christening party, and a few friends if desired, are invited, customarily follows the church ceremony--unless several children of other families are baptized at the same time--and always follows the home christening. It is not unusual to make some recognition of a clergyman's services at a church christening, and always is in order at the home rite, though it is not expected as a clergyman counts on his wedding fee.

If church or house is decorated for a christening, white flowers only are employed, in conjunction with palms and ferns to relieve them. White lilies are particularly beautiful. The table is adorned with white flowers; the cakes and bonbons are white. Any desired refreshments may be served, those for afternoon tea being suitable. That old-fashioned beverage known as caudle is never served at any other time. It is dispensed in bouillon cups.

MOURNING ETIQUETTE.

Conduct of Funerals--

So brief the span between our birth and death that the etiquette of burial may fittingly follow that of the christening ceremony. It might be supposed that the funeral, especially the private, could be conducted without formality. But informality often means disorder, and simplicity without order is confusion. There is no time where lack of order and system so grate on one's nerves as at a funeral. The less "fuss" on such an occasion the better, and for that reason, the routine of meals should go on as usual, though no one seems to have the heart to eat them. Still, it is in a way a comfort to most people to feel the chain of accustomed habit; it brings a trifling sense of relief.

Save in the case of a person who has been prominent in the public eye, there is no excuse, or reason, for any but a private funeral. Time was when not to hasten to the house of death was thought unkind; not to attend the funeral of an acquaintance a mark of disrespect. We have changed all that. We do not expect the uninvited to attend our weddings and receptions, why should they come at times of much more intimate and personal emotion--those times when we can hardly endure the words and presence of those we love best? What the sensitive have endured at the hands--or tongues--of well-meaning but clumsy sympathizers--not infrequently curious as well as sympathetic--only those who have suffered can relate. In addition to the natural grief experienced, the members of the family are usually worn out with nights of watching and days of anxiety; it is a fresh strain to be obliged to see people, relate sick-room details and listen to stereotyped condolences.

[750 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

The Undertaker.--Cases are rare where there is not some "next friend" who is competent to see the undertaker, and arrange details with him. In fact, the undertaker may well be put in charge. He should be competent and experienced. A clumsy, fussy undertaker is an affliction.

The undertaker will obtain the physician's certificate as to the cause of death, without which in many cities a burial permit cannot be issued. He will secure the necessary permit, see to the preparation of the grave, and the purchase of a lot if necessary, arrange the house for the funeral, furnish the bearers, and secure the requisite number of carriages; and, before the family returns from the cemetery, have the funeral paraphernalia out of the house, so that the maids or whoever is left in charge can restore the rooms to their wonted order. Everything possible is done to spare the grief-stricken.

The Duties of the Next Friend.--The actual duties devolving upon the person representing the family include ascertaining their wishes as regards the officiating clergyman and his notification of their desire and the hour of the funeral; for music, if any is desired; the selection of a casket, and determining the number of carriages to be ordered. A written list of relatives and friends who will go to the cemetery, arranged in order of their relationship, four in a carriage, is given the undertaker for his guidance in assigning those present to their places. The friend of the family will accompany the undertaker to the cemetery if a lot must be purchased, or he may go alone, the undertaker receiving his instructions from the cemetery authorities. If any special position is desired for the new grave, this will be definitely stated. With this knowledge, an undertaker will conduct a burial so quietly and decorously that as a bereaved wife once remarked, it was "a real comfort to have John buried." She did not quite mean what she implied, however.

Where means suffice, a black cloth-covered casket with silver mountings is chosen. If the interment is in a vault, a metallic casket is obligatory. The child's casket is white; that for a young person is white or pearl-gray.

It is no longer necessary to call on friends and neighbors to bear the dead to their last resting-place, though it may be done. Honorary pall-bearers are chosen among the associates of the dead in case he is a prominent personage; the active may be relatives, or undertaker's assistants. A child is sometimes borne by his or her little school friends, though it seems a pity to call on children for such offices.

The House Funeral.--At the house funeral the family remains upstairs, or is seated in the room with the casket, the former more customary. The clergyman stands at the head of the casket, or in the doorway, that his voice may be heard. At the conclusion of the service, those not going to the cemetery quietly disperse; the carriages drive up; the undertaker in a low voice assigns the relatives to them in proper order, and the cortege moves off. At the grave, the remainder of the solemn service is read, the casket lowered, and all is over.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 751]

That dreadful custom known as "viewing the remains," by which those present file past the casket for a last look at the dead, is obsolete. The bereaved take their farewell before any arrivals; those who desire to behold the face of the dead do so as they enter, then are seated in another room. Sometimes the casket is closed before the funeral.

Church Funerals.--The church funeral is more dignified, perhaps, but much less common than a few years ago. Good taste counsels that our leaving, like our arrival in this world, be a purely family affair. Those who attend a church funeral are in their seats when the cortege arrives. The organ is softly played as the casket is borne up the aisle, the clergyman preceding it; its rests before the chancel, the clergyman reads the burial service from the step, the mourners, who have followed the casket, being seated in the front pews. The procession retires in the same order, the congregation dispersing afterwards.

Flowers.--Flowers are usually ordered the day before the funeral, to arrive in the morning, that they may be fresh. Cards are removed before they are taken to the cemetery. Colored flowers, preferably those of pale tints, are admissible, though American Beauties are not infrequently sent. Wreaths of galax leaves are often ordered for the funeral of an elderly person; sometimes half of the wreath is of the leaves and the remainder of flowers. Wreaths and sprays are almost invariably sent by private individuals, the stereotyped "emblems" like "the broken wheel," "gates ajar," etc., being the offerings of clubs, or other organizations to which the deceased may have belonged. Where there is a great quantity of flowers, the loose sprays are often sent to the sick in hospitals, only enough to cover the grave being reserved. The visitor to a cemetery could find it in his heart to wish that when the beauty of these floral offerings has departed, the sodden remnants might be speedily removed. They speak so forcibly of forgetfulness.

MOURNING GARMENTS.

The custom of wearing mourning after a bereavement is almost universal. Even the poorest endeavor to show their grief by donning a few shreds of black, while among the well-to-do an entire new wardrobe is felt to be obligatory. However our religion bids us look forward to a more perfect existence in the beyond, however truly death may be a relief from pain and suffering, custom, that makes cowards of us all, must be followed. Often too, mourning garb is but the visible evidence of the gloom that oppresses us spiritually. In spite of our faith, our sense of loss and loneliness is best expressed in sad raiment and abstinence from pleasures. Often it would be kindness to the living to go our way as usual, but that is not in harmony with our hearts.

Mourning is in a manner a protection to a woman. Strangers respect her sorrow and refrain from the jocular. Behind her crepe she may defy intrusion. But it often becomes a hardship to the young.

[752 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

"I missed all my youth," complained a middle-aged woman. "We were a large family. A brother died when I was sixteen and we went into mourning and shut ourselves away from entertainments. Then my father died; next a sister, and another brother, so that, looking back, I can remember but one gown I had, between the age of sixteen and thirty-one, that was not black--and the one exception never had a chance to get worn out."

The Expense of Mourning.--Mourning, however, is sometimes a distraction. In deciding about trimmings and the width of crepe hems many a woman forgets her woe, for a time at least. Mourning wear is expensive, and to clothe a whole family in black totals no inconsiderable sum. Many families have been financially swamped through the expenses of an illness, a burial, and the conventional mourning. In this instance, as in the case of weddings, all these things should be regulated by common sense. A costly casket, a profusion of flowers and a long funeral procession merely gratify a foolish and ostentatious pride on the part of the survivors, and often entail a heavy burden on the father or husband.

It is quite customary to borrow the black garments worn at the funeral. These should be returned immediately after the funeral, with a message or note of thanks.

It is well to look over one's wardrobe to see what garments may be colored for use during the period of mourning. The art of the dyer has made such progress that very satisfactory results are obtained, and quite wealthy people do not hesitate to resort to this expedient.

Mourning Wear.--Crepe, ugly, expensive and easily ruined by dust and dampness, is no longer indispensable to a mourning outfit. If used at all, it is in the form of hems or narrow bands on face veils and as borders or facings, on gowns. Even widows, who wear the deepest mourning, no longer wear crepe veils.

All dress materials for mourning wear have a dull finish. Henrietta, imperial serges, tamese cloth and nun's veiling are the standard fabrics. A lusterless silk is sometimes employed, also crepe de chine.

Crepe is used as a trimming only during the first period of mourning. Hats have almost entirely replaced bonnets, except for elderly widows, who often adopt the close-fitting Marie Stuart bonnet, with the white ruche inside the brim. A long veil of fine silk nun's veiling is worn with this, with a tulle or net face veil with a narrow fold of crepe. Veils of crepe or nun's veiling are not worn over the face except at the funeral.

Hats with crepe folds and trimmings, with veils arranged to fall in folds in the back are usually selected; with them is worn a plain net face veil. Dotted veils are not mourning. Black furs, lynx, fox or Persian lamb are worn.

Many women wear narrow lawn turn-over collars and cuffs; they are hemstitched, with no other decoration. Black-bordered handkerchiefs are no longer carried; if, however, one's woeful trappings must extend to this detail, the narrower the edge the better.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 753]

Either black glace kid or suede gloves are worn. Shoes and slippers must be in a dull kid finish.

All white may be worn in summer during the later period of mourning, but combinations of black and white are not mourning; thus a white dress with black ribbons is not correct.

Jewelry (in gold), ostrich feathers, velvet, lace, satin, and jet trimmings, except in dull jet, are barred. One may wear a diamond or pearl ring or two, but no colored jewels set in rings. Some women have outer shells made in black enamel to enclose diamond ear-rings they are accustomed to wearing.

If one wears mourning, she should hold to the correct form. If, however, she elects to wear black, more license is permitted her. Whatever is done, should be consistent. Thus if she simply adopts black she may have a net or all-over lace yoke in a gown, may wear hats with wings and quills or fancy feathers in black, or black flowers--which are botanical monstrosities--whereas in correct mourning she could not.

The Period of Mourning.--The length of time during which mourning is to be worn has been considerably shortened of recent years. Widows formerly wore deep mourning-crepe, bombazine, etc., for two years, and "second mourning" for another year. Now, even among the most rigid sticklers for form, two years is the limit, and there is a tendency to diminish this period. Eighteen months of woe inconsolable; six months of grief assuaged. Nor are all recreations debarred the widow, as formerly; she may go to concerts, small entertainments, even to matinees, after some months have elapsed. This is as it should be. Many women have settled into gloom and despondency which have darkened their homes because there has been nothing to lift them out of their low frame of mind.

For a parent, a grown son or daughter, the conventional period is two years, one year of deep mourning. For a young child a mother wears black for a year. The same time suffices for a brother or sister. Six months answers for grandparents; three for an uncle or aunt. Often one does not wear mourning except for husband, child or parent.

Young girls need not wear mourning as long as an adult does, nor do they wear crepe, unless it be a hat with crepe trimmings, or one with ribbon bows and face veil with crepe border. It seems as unnecessary as it is unkind to put young children into black.

[754 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

French Mourning.--The French, with characteristic cheerfulness, greatly abridge the mourning attire, dividing it into three grades, deep, ordinary and half-mourning. For the first only woolen materials in black are employed; the second, silk and woolen; the third gray and violet. The wife laments her husband for a year and six weeks,--six months of deep mourning; six of ordinary, and six weeks of gray and violet melancholy. The bereaved husband, on the other hand, is let off with six months of sorrow, three in deep mourning, three in ordinary; he has not to pass through the gray-and-violet stage at all.

Six months is also the period for parents, evenly divided between deep and ordinary. One gets off with two months for brother, sister or grandparent, and three weeks suffices for a mere uncle or aunt. Good taste decrees mourning should be discarded gradually. From black one may go to quiet costumes in dark colors, gray being an approved hue.

Mourning for Men.--Custom sets more lightly upon men than upon women in the matter of mourning. Here, as elsewhere, the details of etiquette devolve upon women. A widow would incur censure if she married within two years after her husband's death; indeed, if her marriage followed soon after the expiration of that term, Mrs. Grundy would infer some surreptitious courting had been going on. A man, however, may marry again after a year has elapsed. A widower would abstain from society and the theater for six months. A parent is mourned for a year.

The correct attire for men is a black suit, black gloves and tie of grosgrain or taffeta silk, and a black band upon his hat. The tailor adjusts this hat band with scrupulous nicety to the depth of his affliction. It is deepest for a wife; it diminishes mathematically through the gamut of parents, children, brothers or sisters.

The widower is not expected to wear mourning for two years, unless he prefers to do so. If he goes into the niceties of the garb he will wear black enamel shirt studs and cuff buttons, and a plain black watch fob. After a year he may wear a gray suit, retaining the black accessories.

The custom, followed in some circles, of wearing a black band on the left coat sleeve, is to be emphatically condemned. The place for the band is on the hat. If not placed there, let it be nowhere. On a gray or tan coat the effect is startling. The custom of wearing such a band as emblem of mourning for a fellow member in a lodge, or any organization, whether worn by man or woman, is more honored in the breach than the observance. Better drape the departed member's seat in black, or hang crepe on the charter than follow this foolish fad.

The Duties of Friends.--Where there is sickness in a family, friends call to make inquiries or to proffer assistance. Kindness counsels that such calls should be brief; often duties press heavily upon the well, and the time spent in receiving visitors may be sadly needed for rest, or for other duties. To stay to a meal or to take children on such a visit is inconsiderate, to say the least. If help is needed, give it quietly, unobtrusively, and as efficiently as possible. A little service rendered by a thoughtful neighbor is always appreciated, whereas the person who goes "a-visiting" where there is sickness comes near being a nuisance.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 755]

In town, friends call at the door to make inquiries. Unless very intimate, they do not expect to see any member of the family. Cards are left, and it is correct to write "To inquire" on the card. If death follows, cards are properly left, either before the funeral or within a week after the event. Upon these may be written "with deepest sympathy." One does not ask to see one of the family. Cards of this character are often sent by mail, and are acknowledged within three weeks by sending one's visiting card with narrow black edge and envelope to match. Across the top of the card is written "With grateful appreciation of your sympathy," or "It is a comfort to feel that we have your sympathy in our loss." Cards are sometimes especially engraved for this purpose. Such cards have a mourning border and are enclosed in an envelope and mailed. One's visiting card, with narrow black edge and black-bordered envelope, is sent in acknowledgment of invitations to weddings, receptions, etc. If a note is necessary in reply to an invitation, it is written on note-paper having a narrow mourning border, and follows the customary formula, the border being an indication of the reason it is declined.

In case the request "Kindly omit flowers" is made in the obituary notice, the wish of the family should be observed.

Letters of condolence should be written as soon as possible. Friends should not be afraid to intrude. If they feel a sincere sympathy it should be allowed expression, for such tributes, coming from the heart, are always grateful to the stricken. Answers to such letters should not be expected; it is customary to acknowledge them by a card, as above mentioned.

Friends who send flowers should be thanked, either by note, or word of mouth.

THE ETIQUETTE OF CORRESPONDENCE.

"Letters should be easy and natural, and convey to the persons to whom we send just what we would say if we were with them."--Chesterfield.

They say nobody has time to write letters these days, and yet the post office department handles millions of them each year. True, they are not the formal, lengthy, somewhat stilted epistles of a century ago, when a lad began his home letters "Honoured Parents," and your correspondent announced, "I take my pen in hand to inform you," etc. The letter of today, however, is not less the messenger of good-will and remembrance than it was in those days. It remains largely the bulletin of business and of family affairs.

The postman's bag! What may it not contain? News of birth or tidings of death, of lover's vows made or broken, of achievements or misfortunes. Every letter is like a new day; we cannot tell what its message may be.

It is no mean accomplishment to be able to write a good letter.

[756 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

The Essentials.--The first essential to letter-writing is to have something to say, and the ability to say it well. This is a talent that may be cultivated. The next requisite is good paper. Better curtail in some other item and allow yourself good, plain, heavy paper and envelopes. Avoid all fancy papers, whether in tint or design. Plain white or cream laid paper is always good form. Whatever the vagaries of the stationer, the plain white, fine quality paper is to be preferred. The intertwined initials of the writer are often placed at the top of the first page, either in the center or at the left-hand corner where the water-mark used to be. These are done in gold or silver, or some pale tint. Just now, the street address of the writer is often engraved across the flap of the envelope. The form of the latter, whether square or oblong, varies according to the passing fashion. Whichever is used, the letter sheet is folded once to fit it. Sealing-wax is little used at present; if at all, the "blob" of wax is small, only large enough to receive the impress of a single initial on the seal.

Use a good black ink. Violet and purple inks are as passe as colored stationery. There is a certain writing-fluid, bluish when first used, and turning black after a few hours' exposure, that is standard.

Write legibly. Handwriting may or may not be an index of character, but it certainly does indicate certain attributes. A cramped, slovenly, awkward handwriting is naturally associated with a careless and uneducated person; whereas a free, graceful and trained hand indicates culture and refinement in the writer. We say again, write legibly. Nothing is more exasperating than certain examples of modern fad-writing, where one might as well attempt to translate a page of Chinese script. Despite the typewriter, one should endeavor to be a good penman, because the typed letter or note is inadmissible in polite society, being reserved for the world of business. Avoid also the microscopic calligraphy with a fine pen; it is very trying to your correspondent's eyes, unless she happens to have a reading-glass conveniently near.

Take pains to make your signature easily decipherable. Remember that while a word may be puzzled out by the context, or by the analogy of its letters to others, the signature has no context, and is often so carelessly written that the letters composing it are indistinguishable. One should be particularly careful in this respect where writing business letters or letters to strangers.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 757]

Letter Forms--Ceremonious letters, and notes in the first person are addressed to My dear Mrs. Smith. If Mrs. Smith is a friend or an acquaintance, she is addressed as "Dear Mrs. Smith." This is the American custom, and is an exact reversal of the English. which is, by the way, being more generally adopted in our society. "My dear" certainly seems to the uninitiated, at least, more intimate and familiar than "Dear." A business communication to a stranger begins--

Mrs. Joseph Smith,
Dear Madam:--

There are shades of courtesy to be observed in signing letters. "Sincerely yours" is a little more formal than "Yours sincerely;" "Yours with much regard" is more familiar than "Yours sincerely." "Yours truly" is for the business letter; "Yours affectionately" for the family or those to whom we are much attached. The rule has been to capitalize all the words of the address, but only the first word of the conclusion, as "My Dear Friend Mary" and "Yours sincerely," but of late this rule seems to be broken in regard to the address, which is now often written "My dear Mrs. Smith."

Abbreviations.--Abbreviations are always incorrect. The month, day and date must be spelled out; the street number and the year are correctly indicated in numerals. The year is sometimes spelled out on formal invitations, but is regarded as an affectation in private correspondence. To indicate a date in numerals, as 3: 18: '12, is bad form. "Street" is not shortened to "St." and "Avenue" is to be spelled out. The city and state should be written in full. "Cal." and "Col." are often wrongly read by busy railway clerks, and your Colorado letter goes to California.

The character and (&) is never to be employed. "Hon.," "Dr." and "Rev." are permissible on an envelope; "Rev. Father" is incorrect; write "Rev." We do not use "Esq." in America as much as it is used in England, where it is always employed in addressing a letter to an equal, "Mr." being reserved for tradesmen. Here we use "Mr." almost entirely. Christian names are not abbreviated in an address; one should write "George" or "Charles" rather than "Geo." or "Chas."

What Not to Do.--A woman is never to be addressed by her husband's title, either verbally or in writing. "Mrs. Dr. Smith" is "Mrs. Lewis Smith"; "Mrs. Judge Morris" is "Mrs. Henry Pond Morris." Of course she would not think of signing herself "Mrs. Dr. Smith." She should sign herself by her own name, "Marion Morris." If necessary to convey the information, she may, in a business note, place Mrs. in brackets, before her name, or after signing her own name, write below it, "Mrs. Henry Pond Morris." This is never done in a social note. Often, upon her marriage a woman includes her maiden name in her signature, thus, "Marion Ames Morris." A hyphen is not used. The four-storied name, as "Marion Helen Ames Morris," is too cumbersome for common use.

A woman uses her husband's full name on her cards. The man, in signing himself, writes his full name "Henry Pond Morris" or "R. P. Morris," rather than "Henry P. Morris."

The postscript has been laughed out of existence. If a few words must be added the "P. S." is omitted. Dodging about on the pages, from first to third, then to second and fourth, is to be avoided. Don't write across your written pages; a plaided letter is so difficult to decipher that one is justified in destroying it unread. One is supposed to have sufficient letter paper on hand. A half sheet should never be used as a means of eking out an epistle. Don't send a blotted, smeared letter.

[758 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Placing the Stamp.--Several years ago silly girls occasionally inquired through the newspapers as to "the significance" of the postage stamp when placed in certain positions on the envelope. One paper made reply that to place it anywhere but on the upper right hand corner of the envelope indicated that the sender was a first-class idiot. The answer was widely copied and the inquiries ceased. The stamp is placed there for convenience in canceling, that being done by a machine in all but the smaller offices.

The last item to be remembered is, spell correctly, though it is one of much importance. A mis-spelled word is a grievous error in a letter--worse than a blot. Keep a dictionary on the desk; when in doubt look up the word, and then take pains to fix it in mind so as to have no further trouble with it.

When to Write.--Notes of invitation should be promptly answered. So should business letters. As for friendly letters, were they answered at once, by both parties, the exchange would be so brisk that too much time would be thus occupied. One may let a reasonable time elapse before replying; this depending upon the intimacy. Friends whose time is much taken up with other cares, but who do not wish to lose touch with each other, not infrequently agree to exchange letters at certain dates or anniversaries. Both may write simultaneously, or one write and the other reply.

Make it a point to re-read the letter you are about to answer, and take pains to reply to any questions your correspondent may have asked. Nothing is more maddening than to make several important inquiries and find them wholly ignored while your friend tells you how busy she is, how many engagements she has in the future, how tired she is, and prefaces these uninteresting details with a long apology for her silence. Who was it said "An apology is a mistaken explanation"?

Postal cards are not considered in correspondence. They are to be used only for business, or where one is traveling and wishes to inform her friends of her whereabouts. The picture or souvenir postals are largely used for this purpose. But the postal card, in correspondence, is like a call when the lady is out and you do not leave your card--it doesn't count.

In regard to love-letters, bear in mind what Rousseau says:

"To write a good love-letter you ought to begin without knowing what you mean to say, and finish without knowing what you have written." Then, having unbosomed yourself, don't send it.

Care in Writing.--It is well to remember, that once you have dropped a letter into the box, it is no longer yours. It belongs to the person to whom it is addressed. If you have been indiscreet, the matter is out of your hands. Therefore, be careful what you write. You cannot tell what use your correspondent may make of it. Your friend may be trustworthy, but careless; some one may be dishonest enough to read it; it may be lost. It is a good plan to write nothing you would not be willing to have read before a roomful of people who know that you wrote it.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 759]

Avoid personalities. Don't commit your unflattering opinions of other people to paper. The letter is a witness whose veracity is unquestioned.

Don't read your letters to others, unless they are family letters in which all may rightly have a share. A letter is a private communication.

Keeping Letters.--It is a bad plan to keep old letters, especially if they are of a personal nature, or if they contain confidences or secrets. When the owner dies, there is no knowing to what use they may be put. One regrets the publication of the private letters of great men and women, showing, as they so often do, the foolish, silly, conceited side of a character we have admired. Private letters are often disillusioning, or betray the presence of the skeleton of the family, unhappiness or disgrace.

The safest way is to keep a letter till it is answered, then destroy it, This does away with a lot of useless lumber.

Letters of Congratulation and Condolence.--It is not possible to give forms for letters of this character. They are meaningless unless they come from the heart, and should be characterized by sincerity. Nevertheless, they should be written, and promptly, as also letters of acknowledgment of gifts, favors offered, and the "bread-and-butter letter"--the missive you write to your hostess after a few days' visit. Letters of condolence are especially difficult to write. One so fears to wound instead of comforting. If one can offer some quotation that has been a personal help in time of sorrow, it is often gratefully appreciated. But because we "don't know what to say" we must not omit writing. The letter is often a greater kindness than the call, which is a tax upon the strength of the mourner.

"The path of sorrow, and that path alone, leads to the land where sorrow is unknown; no traveler ever reached that blessed abode who found not sorrows in his road."

"Wherever souls are being tried and ripened in whatever commonplace and homely way, there God is hewing out the pillars for His temple."

Do not think you must write a long letter. A few well chosen phrases, sincere expressions of feeling, are more grateful to one who grieves. One may say:

My dearest Friend:--
It is with sincerest sorrow I have just heard of your great
bereavement. I cannot hope to comfort you; God only can do that, but I
want to say how deeply and tenderly I feel for you in your sad
affliction.
Believe me, most faithfully yours,

[760 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

On the other hand, if we must congratulate, we may write:

I have just heard of your engagement to Mr. Blank, and wish to be among the first of your friends to express my sympathy with you in your happiness. I have known Mr. Blank for some time, and greatly admire his many good qualities. I am sure you are very happy with him, and will be more so as you grow together in marriage. Hoping good fortune and joy may always be your portion in life, and present bliss an earnest of more in store for you, I am, Most sincerely yours,

MANNERS FOR MEN.

"Politeness and good breeding are absolutely necessary to adorn any or all other good qualities or talents."--Chesterfield.

Though what we call society is largely vested in women, and women's customs regulate etiquette, men are by no means exempt from the necessity of knowing and practising what we call good manners. A man can have no greater charm than that easy, unstudied, unconscious compliance with social forms which marks what we call "a man of the world"--the man who knows what a good manner requires of him in any situation, and does it quietly and with the grace of habit.

There has been no time in the history of the world when good manners counted for more than at the present. This is true of both men and women. It is so true that in certain fields it is practically impossible to succeed without their aid. The value of a pleasing manner can hardly be overestimated. Such a manner is as far from the self-assurance and presumptuous familiarity which some men assume under the idea that these are impressive, as night is from day.

Value of Courtesy.--Courtesy has a commercial value, and exerts no little influence upon a man's success in business. Polite attention and readiness to oblige bring customers again and again, where their lack would send people to rival houses.

We can forgive, in the intellectually great, or in the man of affairs who has done things worth doing, a lack of social training that would not be endured in a man with no such claim. Yet this is not saying that the great man would not command more unqualified admiration were he to practise the social graces instead of ignoring them. The truth is, the fact that we have to overlook the absence of these graces induces a more critical attitude toward his achievements. Great though he be in spite of his lack of courtesy, we feel he would have been greater had he known and practised the art of gentle manners.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 761]

The Manners of the Gentleman.--These "gentle-manners," that make the "gentle man" are an indispensable requisite to success in society. They testify to a man's good breeding, to his social affiliations; they "place him." They often bring a man many things that wealth could not.

The rich boor is despised in spite of his money. The poor man may be popular because of his pleasing personality and his fine manner.

Men sometimes profess to despise those refinements that are associated with good manners, saying they detest affectations. But these things are not to be affectations. They should be the outward expression of inward kindness and good-will and unselfishness. The cultivation of good manners is a duty; somebody has said that "the true spirit of good manners is so nearly allied to that of good morals that they seem almost inseparable." John G. Holland says somewhere: "Young men would be thoroughly astonished if they could comprehend at a glance how greatly their personal happiness, popularity, prosperity, and usefulness depend on their manners." Emerson remarked that,--"Manners should bespeak the man, independent of fine clothes. The general does not need a fine coat."

A Matter of Training.--It may be that politeness is instinctive with some, but with most men (women also), it is a matter of training and habit, and careful discipline. In process of time courtesy becomes perfectly natural, so gracefully spontaneous it seems to be.

Here is where the mother's work in the early training of her sons comes in. Taught from childhood, by example and precept, the observances that make for good manners, the young man wears them as easily and as unconsciously as he does his clothes.

Politeness an Armor.--There is no better armor against rudeness and discourtesy than politeness. The individual is impervious to slights and snubs who can meet them with the courtesy which at once puts the common person in his proper place as the inferior.

A woman is shocked and repelled by disagreeable manners in a man, manifested in discourtesy toward her, by an awkward manner, coarse speech, incivility, neglect of the little attentions she expects of a man and which men of breeding render as a matter of course. A woman is more likely to fall in love with a homely man of pleasing address than with an Adonis so clad in self-complacency that he thinks politeness unnecessary, or one who does not know its forms.

THE ETIQUETTE OF THE HAT.

The first rule a man should observe in regard to his hat is never to wear it in the presence of women, save in the open. If mothers would take the trouble to train their small sons to rigid observance of the rule of removing their head covering the moment they enter the house there would, be fewer adults guilty of this particular discourtesy, which is at once the greatest and the most common. One occasionally sees a man wearing his hat and preceding a woman down the aisle of a theatre.

The expression, "tipping the hat," is a vulgarism. A man doesn't "tip" his hat, he raises it quite off his head.

[762 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

The Coachman's Salute.--The semi-military salute--raising the hand to the hat as if to lift it, but merely approaching the forefinger to the brim--is a discourtesy to a woman. Such a salute would bring a reproof in military circles; it is objectionable among men. Actually it is the manner in which a man-servant acknowledges an order from his master or mistress, and is not inaptly called "the coachman's salute."

A man wears his hat on the street, on the deck of the steamboat, in a picture-gallery or promenade concert-room. He removes it in a theatre, the opera-house, and the parlors of a hotel.

When to Raise the Hat.--Men raise their hats to each other on the street. They extend the same courtesy to all members of their family, of both sexes. A well-bred man raises his hat to his little daughter, as he would to his wife.

On the street, a man must wait for a lady to recognize him, but should be ready to remove his hat simultaneously with her greeting, raising and replacing it quickly. The fashion of removing the hat after meeting a lady is absurd. How does she know the courtesy has been extended?

When a man is with a lady who recognizes an acquaintance, he must raise his hat, whether he knows the individual or not. He should, however, keep his eyes straight ahead, not looking at the person.

If he meets a man walking with a lady whom he does not know, he waits the man's recognition.

A man removes his hat in an elevator if women enter or are already inside. This rule is often ignored in large public buildings.

If a woman bows to a man in any place where it is his privilege to wear his hat, he removes his hat and does not replace it while she is talking with him. This rule applies everywhere except on the street. "A gentleman of the old school" will stand bareheaded on the street if exchanging a word or two with a lady; in such case she may request him to replace his hat.

A man when driving or motoring cannot remove his hat. He bends forward slightly and touches his hat brim with his whip, held upright, in the first case, and raises his hand to the visor of his cap in the latter.

At Other Times.--When he is able to render some slight service to a woman whom he does not know, she will thank him with a slight inclination of the head and a smile, and he should raise his hat. When he relinquishes his seat in the street car, he should give the lady a chance to acknowledge his courtesy, and then raise his hat.

Men raise their hats and stand uncovered as a funeral cortege passes into the church or from a house, and at the grave.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 763]

They also stand uncovered when the United States flag is borne past, or the national hymn--the "Star Spangled Banner"--is played in public, at a military review, etc.

When a man passes a lady in the corridor of a hotel, or on the stairway, he should raise his hat.

When he takes leave of a lady, the same act of deference is expected.

Hat and Coat When Calling.--When calling, the man looks after his own hat, overcoat and stick. His hostess does not offer to relieve him of them, nor suggest the removal of his coat. He deposits his hat and stick on table or seat in the hall before entering the drawing-room, and takes off his overcoat if his call is to be prolonged. Or, he may take them all with him into the drawing room if his call is to be brief. In any event, it is his business to dispose of them according to his own pleasure.

RULES FOR PRECEDENCE.

A man precedes a woman in going down-stairs and follows her in going up. This is that he may be in readiness to catch her should she fall.

He allows a woman to precede him on entering or leaving a room, and should open the door for her.

On entering a hotel dining-room the man may precede the lady to the table assigned them, on the occasion of their first meal, standing until she is seated. Afterwards, he may follow her as the head-waiter leads the way. Sometimes he permits her to precede him in the first case.

The question is sometimes asked who should follow the usher on entering church or theatre. The rule above stated obtains. The woman follows the usher; the man follows her.

The man allows the lady to enter the carriage first, but descends before her that he may assist her to alight. The same rule prevails in regard to entering and leaving a street car, etc.

ABOUT SMOKING.

The old rule of good manners: "A gentleman does not smoke in the presence of ladies," is many times violated in these modern times. There is a story of an elderly woman who, being asked if smoke was offensive to her, replied: "I do not know. No gentleman has ever smoked in my presence." The woman of today is more likely to answer "Oh, dear no! I love the odor of a good cigar." The truth is the cigar has become such a constant and apparently necessary adjunct to a man that to banish it is in effect to banish the man. And women prefer to endure the smoke rather than have the man absent himself. There are very few cafes and restaurants where men do not conclude their repast with a good cigar, even when entertaining ladies.

[764 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

Where Not to Smoke.--Nevertheless, there are times and places when and where a man should not smoke. When he is about to meet a lady he knows he removes his cigar before removing his hat and bowing. If he wishes to join the lady, walking a short distance with her, he throws away his cigar before doing so. He does not smoke, when driving with a lady, unless possibly in the country. He should not smoke when walking with her--but he often does, with her full consent and permission. In fact, women, as has been said, are responsible for men's lapses in the way of smoking.

A guest does not smoke in his host's house unless especially invited to do so, by his host, not some younger member of the family or another visitor.

At a dinner party at which ladies are present, men do not smoke until the ladies have left the dining-room.

It is a bad form to smoke when anyone is singing, unless in those free-and-easy places of amusement where "everything goes."

About Expectoration.--No man should smoke, anywhere or at any time, who cannot smoke without using a cuspidor. It is a practice so much worse than smoking, so thoroughly abominable in itself, that no man with any claim to good breeding or good manners permits himself to indulge in it.

In most homes, nowadays, men are permitted to smoke "all over the house." It is better, wherever possible, to let the man have a "den" where he may smoke with his friends. The practice of smoking in bedrooms is reprehensible; the air one will breathe through the night should not be vitiated.

BACHELOR HOSPITALITY.

"A bachelor's life is a splendid breakfast; a tolerably flat dinner; and a most miserable supper."

Being a bachelor does not excuse a man from certain forms of hospitality. Many "society men" live in apartments, at the present time, and may entertain the ladies who have favored them with invitations; in fact, it is expected that a man who has often been entertained will reciprocate in some fashion.

If a bachelor's quarters are too restricted for any other form of entertaining, he may give a theatre party, followed by a supper at some cafe. Or he may do this without the theatre party. Of course, such an entertainment is expensive, but he must remember that the ladies who have entertained him have spent a good deal of money on their fetes.

[MANNERS AND SOCIAL CUSTOMS 765]

The Bachelor and the Chaperon.--The first thing the bachelor must do is to secure a chaperon. She must be a married woman of unimpeachable reputation. Having done this, he invites the other members of the party, first submitting his list to her approval. The usual number is six, three men and three women, or two men and four ladies. Two men may join forces to entertain a quartet of ladies, or more, and thus halve the expense. The carriage or taxicab is sent first to the residence of the chaperon; the host accompanies it or may meet it there. The other ladies are called for, the other men generally meet the carriages at the theatre. The host sits next the chaperon at the theatre and at the supper, placing her on his right.

If a supper is to follow, and it almost always does, the host has reserved a table at the hotel or cafe and has perhaps ordered flowers and a special menu in advance. He has also settled the account, so that he has only to cross the waiter's palm with silver at the conclusion of the repast, in acknowledgment of faultless service.

Cheaper Ways of Entertaining.--In summer there are cheaper ways in which a bachelor may payoff his social obligations. Most bachelors belong to clubs, where they may give luncheons or suppers. There are roof-gardens and outdoor vaudeville, open-air concerts, etc., that may be made pleasurable occasions. He may charter a yacht, in company with several friends, and entertain a dozen or half score ladies with a sailing party. At all these, however, he must provide a chaperon.

A very pleasant and informal way for a bachelor to entertain is to invite some of his more intimate women acquaintances to afternoon tea at his apartments. For this he writes personal notes or gives verbal invitations. He asks some married, lady to assist him, placing it in the light of a favor to himself. She must arrive early, and remain until the last guest has left. The host pays the chaperon special deference, asking her to pour the tea, and either escorting her home or ordering a carriage for her.

Elaborate refreshments are not necessary at such an affair. Sandwiches, cakes, tea, served in the American fashion or a la' Russe, are sufficient. The chaperon presides at the refreshment table. All things needed for the refreshment of the guests may be ordered from a caterer. If the affair is in the evening, chocolate and coffee may be served instead of tea, or cakes, coffee and ices.

The Bachelor's Chafing Dish.--If the circumstances of the bachelor permit, he may give a chafing-dish supper, presiding over the manufacture of a Welsh rarebit or lobster a la Newburg, making the coffee himself in a machine. This might take the place of the supper at a restaurant after the play. After such a supper, or a dinner in his rooms, the host escorts the ladies to their carriages, and accompanies the chaperon to her home.

If none of these methods of entertaining chance to be within the man's means--for many poor men of pleasing address are social favorites--he may fall back on the pretty compliment implied in sending flowers or bonbons, remembering that matrons as well as "buds" appreciate such attentions.

[766 MOTHERS' REMEDIES]

In Village Society.--In small towns and in the country, the young man would ridicule the idea of having a chaperon along. He seldom considers the question of repaying social invitations, or paying calls after an entertainment. He should be careful to show courtesy to the host and hostess, to dance with the latter and her daughter at a dancing party, and may escort mother and daughter or the mother and some one of her friends, to a lecture or concert. Generally he ignores all claims of this character. But he should not.

Should He Offer His Arm?--A man seldom offers a woman his arm nowadays, unless she is so elderly or infirm that she needs the support. For a couple to walk arm in arm in daylight is decidedly provincial. For a man to take a woman's arm is a liberty not permissible unless she is a member of his family. He should offer his arm if holding an umbrella over her at night, on a poorly lighted street or a country road at night. A woman, unless very infirm or ill, should not walk arm-in-arm with a man in daylight.

The Outside of the Walk.--A man usually walks on a woman's right, in order to protect her if necessary, It looks absurd, however, for him to be dodging around her to keep on the outside of the walk unless some danger is to be encountered.

Minor Matters of Men's Etiquette.--A man should not carry a girl's parasol; he should however assume any parcel she may be carrying.

When a man escorts a woman to her home it is not correct for him to linger at the door. He should accompany her up the steps, ring the bell and wait until she is admitted. If the hour is at all late he should not enter, even though invited.

It is extremely bad form for a man to speak of a woman by her Christian name while talking to casual acquaintances. Though long acquaintance may sanction the familiarity at home, or among intimate friends, to all outsiders she should be Miss.

The custom of leaving the theatre between acts is inexcusable. If a man is escorting a lady, he is guilty of great rudeness if he leaves her,

Cards and Calls.--If calling on a lady who is visiting a person who is a stranger to him, he must ask for her hostess, sending up a card for her as well as for his friend. If calling with a lady, he should wait for her to give the signal for departure.