Chapter V: ――What Happens is Always the Unforeseen

There are dark periods in the history of nations. It is the same with individuals. It was so with Tom Harry. He was at the Park of Hyde――at one corner of it! It was a place to hide in――hence the name. Was _she_ hidden there? It was a natural thought. He would search it, and would find her! But how? He knew not the way! Here steps in Fate, which governs all things. It was a policeman! There were only two left of the reserves――one to guard the Tower, where the Queen resides; the other in charge of Constitution Hill, which is by the corner of Hyde Park. Under ordinary circumstances the police of London are not permitted to talk. They are only allowed to say, “Move on!” This is the Englishman’s watchword! The Americans have the same, in effect; they say, “Go ahead!” The policeman in charge of Constitution Hill was absolved from this rule by an Order in Council. It was an important office. The preservation of the Queen and Constitution (which is kept on the Hill named from it) is of the greatest national consequence. Therefore the policeman was a high official, and allowed to speak. Tom Harry addressed him, explaining his position and quest for Miss Lade. The policeman pointed to his collar and the figures on it, exclaimed――“I am number ‘31’! Miss Lade lodges with my wife!” The clue was right! She was found!

_Finis._

C. H. WARING.

_Fun._ August 14, 1878.

――――:o:――――

In Bret Harte’s _Sensation Novels Condensed_ there is an imitation of Victor Hugo, in ten chapters, entitled “Fantine.” The Prologue is as follows:――

“As long as there shall exist three paradoxes――a moral Frenchman,
a religious Atheist, and a believing sceptic――so long, in fact,
as booksellers shall wait――say twenty-five years for a new
gospel; so long as paper shall remain cheap and ink at three
_sous_ a bottle, I have no hesitation in saying that such books
as these are not utterly profitless!

_Victor Hugo._”

“_Grinplaine_, or the man who doesn’t laugh.” A serial burlesque of Victor Hugo’s “L’homme qui rit,” by Walter Parke, appeared in _Funny Folks_, 1875.

_The Bat_ of June 2, 1885, contained a parody of Victor Hugo, called _Quel bonheur Marie_ (What Cheer ’Ria?) somewhat coarse in tone, and not very amusing.

――――:o:――――

THE HOUSE THAT VICTOR BUILT.

On January 24, 1885, the following announcement appeared in _Punch_:――

It being reported that Victor Hugo has just purchased for
the sum of £13,000 a piece of land in the immediate vicinity
of his present abode, with a view of building on it an
entirely new house “of his own designing,” the following
extract from a preliminary letter of instructions to the
contractor who has undertaken the work will be read with
interest.

* * * * *

“You will ask me whether I am an Architect; and I reply to
you, ‘An Architect is one who constructs.’ Do I construct?
Yes. What? Never mind; let us proceed. To construct a house
you require a basement. This is the language of the
Contractor. But the Poet meets him with a rejoinder. A
basement is a prison, and Liberty can not breathe through a
grating. This was the case at the Bastille! What has been
done at the Bastille does not repeat itself. What then? You
will commence the house on the first floor.”

Does this stagger the Architect? Unquestionably! Yet to
commence a house on the first-floor is easy enough. To the
Contractor? No. To the Poet? Yes. How? By a flight. Two
flights will take anyone somewhere. Upstairs? Yes.
Downstairs? Certainly! In my lady’s chamber? Why not? This
is a phenomenon, and surprises you. Just now you were on the
stare. Now you are on the first-floor landing. Therefore,
you have taken a rise. Out of whom――the Architect? Possibly.
Let us resume.

And now for the drawing-room.

This will be colossal. Why? Because the furniture in it will
be stupendous. To talk of stupendous furniture is to suggest
the opening scene of a Pantomime. A big head! Whose? No
matter. But you will inquire as to this furniture. You will
probably say, ‘Will there be chairs?’ No. ‘Arm-chairs?’
Useless. ‘Sofas with six legs?’ A phantom! ‘What then?
Canopied thrones for four-and-twenty, with one of a superior
make and quality?’ Quite so. ‘Why?’ Because it is here that
Genius, after dinner, will meet the Kings and Emperors that
aspire to pay it homage. ‘Will there be windows?’
Rather――and there is this convenient thing
besides――eight-and-forty balconies. You will say at once,
‘Two a-piece?’ But you will quickly add――‘What of the
gardens beneath?’ To this there is only one answer
possible――‘Fireworks!’

Roman candles, rockets, and Bengal lights? No.――A set piece?
Yes. Representing what? Somebody! Now there is this
advantage about a set-piece that represents somebody――if
carefully prepared, regardless of expense, and covering an
area of 90 feet by 120. It may be permanent. Some one
whispers ‘Advertisement.’ To this I make a supreme reply,
‘Fame!’

And now let us pass to another room. Shall we put our foot
in it? Yes. Why? Because it is the kitchen.

――――:o:――――

THE SPOILER OF THE SEA.
_By Victor Hugo._